Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ Psych ❯ Reasonable Methods ( Chapter 8 )

Psych Death Note AU (L/Light or Light/L)

Summary: Sometimes the strangest of happenings, by that merit alone, are the most memorable. Lawliet, a professional who makes his living by understanding the workings of the human mind, finds that a chance meeting throws him a real curve. Yaoi. (As always, it will be of the L and Light variety)

A/N: You might want to re-read chapter 7 first. This is a direct continuation from the end of that chapter, so otherwise it might feel confusing.

(PS. I am reeeeeeeeally really sorry it took so long to get this posted. I had the damn thing pretty much written back in January or so. Possibly of last year. Oi. Everything has been… complicated.)

Disclaimer: Please see Chapter 1 for full disclaimer.

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Chapter 8: Reasonable Methods

Light broke the kiss, leaving the barest margin of air between their lips. “If you stay here tonight, instead of taking a cab, it’ll be easier than coming back for your car later.”

Sounds... reasonable...

L’s body was thrumming and his mind was awash in a sea of liquor. He supposed that anything might sound logical to him at this point - thus “sounding reasonable” wasn’t really a valid marker for gauging the situation. There was also an insistent niggling at the back of his mind, some reason that he should not even entertain the idea of...

of going with......

The brunet’s lips had tipped towards his, gently brushing, his mouth gently tasting. Each small, infinite movement obliterated the coalescence of thought, until memory of L’s agitation was no more than a ghost without a voice. Even more so when he lost himself at last, clenching his hands upon Light’s coat and pulling him in for a much less tentative mating of mouths.

Had he been of sound mind, he would not have been caught dead making out with someone like this in public, against his car, no less! But he was not of sound mind. And the untying of the sash of his coat did not instill alarm, or anything of the sort. Instead, his stomach tightened in anticipation and he welcomed the feel of Light’s well-shaped hands alighting upon him. They were heated, even through the barrier of his dress shirt, and moved in ways that promised they could undo him without ever touching bare skin.

“How do you do this to me?” the brunet murmured against his lips; their shared breath was warm in the cold air.

Desire clenched in L’s belly before he dredged up a response. “Do what now?” The brunet’s words had hardly made sense to his addled brain, but the feel of them had communicated more than enough for his body to react to.

His eyes fluttered closed as Light started kissing down his neck. “You make me utterly indecent,” Light said heatedly. “I’d have you against this car, right now, if I thought I could get away with it.”

What’s stopping you?

The brunet’s mouth slid against his once more, devastatingly, but there had been a moment of calm in which L’s mind finally caught up with the thoughts that his lust was puppeting. Oh wait, because that would be a monumentally stupid thing to do.

“Light-” L said, breaking away the slightest bit. It was a monumental effort to resist the gravitational pull of him.

“I know,” the brunet said, a trace of petulance in his desire-roughened voice. “It’s just as I said, I can’t seem to help myself.” He put a hand between them, upon L’s chest, then raised his eyes so their gazes met. They were impossibly rich and lustrous, like honey, and just as toxically sweet. “Lawliet,” he spoke in a tone matching his eyes, hand trailing down his chest in appeal.

“What?” L murmured, quite transfixed.

“God, I want you...” He drew in a deep breath, as if reaching for composure. His face slowly reflected some of that affected calm. “I’ve never wanted someone this badly before.”

The words rang true for L as well.... he’d never wanted someone this badly before either. Never wanted someone so consistently... nearly every time he was with Light, the thought was swimming in the back of his mind, lurking and waiting to strike. It undermined everything he told himself about the futility of taking things too far, moving too fast, becoming too involved.

A hand cupped his face, bringing him startlingly back to the present. “You feel this too, don’t you?” Amber eyes were intent, demanding, and solicitous.

A rush of something like panic sped his pulse. “I-I should go. I don’t want to be late tomorrow....” he looked away, unable to meet that gaze. Light was right. He felt it. He felt too much, and he just couldn’t risk getting more involved. The pain of the let down would be nearly unbearable.

Your deviant ways... your patients which you allow such liberties.... your lack of concern over the Finnegans.... I should just let you falter.... I shouldn’t get involved, shouldn’t worry, shouldn’t... care....

It’s all too messy.

I need to not get involved.

Oh, how he wished that logic alone was enough to control behavior. Because even as he thought all of this, Light had started kissing him again - melting his sense of self-preservation. The soft heat of lips gently cupping his, the fingers winding tentatively in his hair, and the restrained tension he could feel in the brunet’s body as it pressed against his.... it was dismantling his resistance.

Desire was like a blade, sharpening in his gut, in his chest...

“Come with me,” Light implored, breathing the words against his skin.

Resistance resurrected, even as the last of his defenses were dropping. This was it. His feelings were too involved. If he went with Light now, there would be no going back. If he gave in, he would be sacrificing the ability to walk away, and giving Light the ability to utterly break him if things fell to ruin.

Panic welled up again. I can’t.

“Light...I-”

Light interrupted by peeling him off the side of the car which he’d been leaning against, and saying, “It’s too busy out here. People are coming.”

L tried to protest, but he did hear voices. Drunken, happy couples? He found that he did not want to stick around to watch them pass - nor anyone else who happened by. Their carefree attitudes conflicted with him right now. It only served to show him even more clearly what a state of turmoil he was in.

When the brunet took his wrist in a determined grip and urged him forward, he didn’t put up much of a fight.

Light pulled him along, down the street and through the bustle and lights of the nightlife. His own footsteps dragged upon the concrete sidewalk - about as articulate as his words would have been through the lingering haze of too much alcohol. Light, on the other hand seemed much more collected, self assured, and.... out of my league.

Where the hell did that thought come from?

Did he really feel that insecure? That unsettled? He shook his head to clear the thoughts. His emotions were warping everything. His careful structures of logic were now swaying on creaky foundations, the emotions festering and undermining him at the most critical part.

He felt naked, compromised. People brushed past him, oblivious for the most part.

The feel of Light’s hand on his wrist burned his flesh. The contact reminded him of everything that had passed between them, every look, every scandalous touch of skin on skin, every gasp, every surge of emotion, every feeling of trepidation...

I’m not in control.

Every once in a while, strangers’ eyes seemed to catch upon them, to pick and ponder and dig. His face flushed with more than the alcohol, and he tried to hide both his shame and his scowl behind the collar of his coat. He felt judged. Though he knew he was projecting the bulk of that upon the faceless humanity of the crowds....

He attempted to pull back, to reclaim his arm, even as his feet kept moving damnably forward.

Light’s hand tightened like a vice and the brunet looked back over his shoulder. His face was nearly unreadable but his eyes were a strange mix of warning and intensity. The playfulness that was usually present was completely absent. Dread and nerve-wracked anticipation cowed L, and he continued to be led.

Eventually they reached the destination Light had in mind…

L thought Light might release him as they entered the small ground floor lobby of the hotel, but he did no such thing. The glare of the lights on the marble floor was nearly blinding after the darkness of night and the dim, colored lights which shone in the deep gloom outside. In fact, Light went right up to the reception desk, himself in tow, acting like there was nothing odd about them in the least. He tried to keep his eyes from drifting down to the tight grip Light’s hand held upon his wrist. It was slightly mortifying, even though the man at the desk acted like nothing was amiss, calmly conducting the transaction and giving the keycard to the brunet.

The next many minutes were a blur. One foot in front of the other, swarming thoughts, one foot in front of the other. Before he knew it, they were in the room, the door softly clicking shut with finality, locking behind them.

Tension rose up like a vengeful spirit, amplifying the quiet in the tastefully spartan room which housed only one bed. Light was regarding him with eyes that were exceedingly hard to read. He stared back, not sure what to expect. All he knew is that nothing would be as simple as Light’s proposal of sleeping here to wait for the alcohol to wear off.

If nothing else, it just wasn’t so simple for him. He was on a precipice. One he desperately wanted to be off of.

“I’ll ask you again,” the brunet said, “what are you afraid of?”

Anxiety rushed up from L’s stomach, into his chest before he was able to disband it. He shrugged and turned to walk into the room, acting nonchalant - as was his habit - but feeling exposed. “Nothing,” he replied calmly. “I’m not sure why you keep harping on that.” He didn’t feel calm. He felt anything but calm. How safe were his feelings with this person? How disastrous would something like love be, if that was where these feelings were truly headed? Could Light be trusted to not toy with him? Despite the evidence that he was quite comfortable playing games with people..?

“Since we met, you’ve done nothing but run away from me.” Light’s tone was bordering on sharpness, aggravation.

L turned to face him, incredulous. “What exactly is it you expect from someone you just met? Was I to prostrate myself? Propose??”

“It isn’t what I’m expecting from someone, it’s what I’m expecting from you.” He sounded vastly irritated. “Why won’t you let me in?”

L scoffed, though that didn’t express how he was actually feeling. It was almost like he was taking a backseat to this whole thing, watching the situation unfold before him. Uninvolved. An observer. “I think I did plenty more than just let you in.” He knew what he was doing here... In taking the offensive... he was pushing Light away. He was afraid of becoming any closer.

The snide tone of his did not sit right with the brunet and dark clouds consumed his features. “Oh yes,” he bit back. “You did let me fuck you, after all.”

The harsh words startled L just a bit.

Light began to pace, a little like a caged animal, throwing choice glares his way. “I suppose I should have been satisfied with just that?”

“Well, isn’t that what you wanted-?”

The brunet ignored him. “Who knew your ego was so great?” he said expansively. ”To think that the epitome of satisfaction could be had simply by getting you to spread your legs.”

L flushed with anger, and with mortification at Light’s words. He didn’t have any sort of ego like that. And he was pretty sure Light knew it. Was the brunet just winding him up? Trying to get a reaction? “What do you want, then?” he said coldly. “For as long as I’ve known you, fucking seems to be a pretty large preoccupation of yours.”

Intense anger flashed over the brunet’s face, and was gone just as fast. “You’ve never seen me when I am ‘just fucking’.” He smiled then, and there was a cruelty to it. “Would you like to see what you have been missing?”

“No,” L said, feeling unsettled. Was Light implying that it had always been about more than just sex between them? Had it been?? Had he misjudged things that far? “I think I should go after all.” He had to gain his bearings, he had to think…. Most of all, he needed to regain control.

“Like hell you will,” Light growled, stalking towards him. L had a brief flash of panic before being pushed onto the bed. A rough hand tangled in his hair and tilted his head up for an even harsher kiss. L felt a pang in his chest that was like being speared with a hot knife. There was no warmth in this. No intimacy. Even the hand that was unbuttoning his shirt, and then his pants, was mechanically precise. When skin touched skin, his body still reacted, but he felt wretchedly hollow.

The artificial light in the room was glaring. It was not romantic, calming, or anything positive. It was stark and grotesque upon the room and the design choice of it made about as much sense as the situation he was now in. His heart hurt as the brunet ravaged his mouth.

Why am I doing this? I should just put a stop to it.

Some small part of him was probably welcoming this - a way to avoid getting any closer, by letting Light do this... And part of him was zoning out to the whole of it. Detaching. Feelings were getting farther away.

He knew better than to let this happen. He, of all people, knew better. And Light would know this also, how futile and damaging something like this would be. Their very professions instilled them with this sort of knowledge, and yet - here they were.

Or maybe Light wasn’t concerned with causing damage?

That was a wrenching thought: It didn’t matter to him.

So why do I care?

I shouldn’t...

I won’t.

Sharp pain brought him back, a burning, vice-like pressure at the crook of his neck and shoulder, painful enough that he cried out. Light was biting him. HARD.

He pushed back, lodging his forearm between them and trying to leverage some distance. He became aware that he was breathing heavy, a fine sheen of sweat upon his body and also upon the brunet’s sculpted torso which he was pushing back against. He could feel Light’s breath through those clenched teeth, feel the rise and fall of the brunet’s chest, and the way his skin was hot and taunt and distracting. L realized belatedly, as he came back to himself, that they were now in the most compromising of situations - naked, hip to hip, and Light lying between his slightly parted thighs. It made his head spin suddenly and his body throb.

“G-Get off,” he said, doused in the very thing he had been trying to prevent. The desire, the wanting, the feelings... it was all too much. He couldn’t handle them all together. And somehow the pain of Light’s perfect teeth digging into his flesh was grounding him to the here and now, refusing to let him escape. He pushed at the other man’s body, futilely, trying once more to escape. He was rewarded with a tightening in that jaw. Inconceivably, he again felt his body throb, and a low sound struggled from the back of his throat.

Somehow he was having a different reaction to all of this than he could have anticipated. The pain was only serving to sharpen pleasure and his awareness of everything between them. Light had to have noticed by now... how his confused body was drowning him in this state of arousal? Just as he noticed that it was Light’s hard arousal that he felt against his inner thigh. And not only his thigh… suddenly that silken heat was nearly close enough to brush the sensitive skin of his backside. (Was Light reacting to his reaction?) The brunet hadn’t bodily moved, so that only meant he had to have become bigger in the last few moments...

It was kind of shocking, noticing something like that, specifically. It made him flush. The smallest shifting could easily lead to penetration, something he sought to avoid, yet something his body was rapidly gaining unhealthy interest in.  

Being as distracted as he was, it took him a moment to realize that Light’s mouth was ghosting up the column of his neck, as gentle now as it had been cruel before. He shuddered under the caress of lips, and the feeling of being trapped intensified. He felt too much. The heady desire and the mournful burning in his chest were caging him.

“I don’t want to do this with you,” he fought to get out. His breathing was becoming more ragged and Light’s hand was now trailing over his hip, making him reflexively cant his hips upward. He felt a tortured expression take up residence upon his face.

“Name one good reason,” the brunet murmured intimately against the hollow of his neck.

L’s whole mind drew a blank. It was almost as disturbing as everything else. Out of desperation, he grabbed the first, most obvious thing he could. “You bit me.”

Suddenly Light was staring down at him, and the full force of his baleful glare was something to be reckoned with. His face was fierce and intense, and his eyes were shot through with lust.

“...it hurt...” L added inadequately, feeling pressured to say something further.

“You’re such an idiot.” The brunet was shaking his head, looking incredulous. “And why should I care about that if all we’re doing is fucking?”

L frowned, the words stinging and disorienting him. “Common decency?”

“You assume an awful lot for someone in our line of work.” Light’s tone was flat and colored with disdain.

It was alarming to consider that Light would really feel that way. Did he? Or was he just being difficult? Either way, the tension L had felt earlier was starting to seep through the wall of lust that had surrounded him - he did not know what to expect. Even now, Light’s eyes had become inscrutable once more. For a moment, things had felt... almost like normal... like the other times they had slept together - a whirlwind of lust and heat and intensity... and a sort of rightness...

It was all gone, like a soap bubble that had been pricked.

Trepidation leaked back in.

“Yes,” Light said, sitting up slowly. Something about it seemed menacing. “You certainly do assume a lot.”

L sat up in turn, scrambling out from under the imperious brunet, gaining a few feet’s distance. There was a look in his eye that definitely made him wary. Light’s articulate hand alighted upon L’s button-down shirt which lay in a rumpled pile on the bed where it had been discarded earlier. He took it in hand and gave it a considering look, then glanced back at L from under lidded eyes.

For some reason, L suddenly felt very sure that his shirt was about to be put to a use it was never intended for. His body tensed, and he got ready to make a break for it. He needed to abandon this whole situation entirely. There was no salvaging it. Perhaps, later, a real discussion might be had--

“I forgot myself earlier,” Light said in a low voice, pinning him with a look much like a snake gives a mouse before it strikes. He started twisting the shirt until it more resembled rope. “You had wanted a demonstration. Allow me to oblige you.”

L’s stomach did a flip flop. Was it possible he’s really angry?

Just before L could scramble off of the bed, Light caught him in a blur of motion - knocking him face first into the bed and restraining his arms. “What are you doing?” he blurted out, muffled by the comforter. It felt like the shirt was being knotted about his wrists. “Light--!”

“Get up.”

There wasn’t really any way. It was too awkward. And where the hell did he get off acting like--?

The next thing L knew, he was being pulled up by his bound arms. He managed to get his feet under him in a kneeling position. Light pulled his head back, exposing the long line of his neck. It was not comfortable and forced him to bend his back to keep his balance. Light laid sharp nips along it, each one making L jump. They weren’t as drastic as the bite on the other side of his neck, but they still hurt. “Why’re you--?”

Light interrupted him with a devastating, soulless kiss. L felt his lips bruising under the near clash of teeth, and the resulting prickling of tears in his eyes.

Before he could recover, Light pulled him back against his body and his long arm draped over his hip, his hand wrapping around L’s confused, semi-erect flesh. He stroked it with little care towards being gentle, communicating his agitation and aggression, even as he reclaimed L’s mouth possessively.

Can’t move... Can’t speak....

Stop it, stop it!

His body didn’t seem to care. It reacted all the same, and Light was playing him like a song.

How can this be so different? He’s still the same person, and yet...

Frustration and confusion poured out of him, manifesting in the wetness now trailing his cheeks. He felt humiliated and piteous, kneeling with splayed legs, being brought to completion against his will. Couldn’t he have control of his own body, at least?

Just as his body began to shudder, Light gave him his mouth, so he could humiliate himself further with the noises that spilled out. And just before he came, Light removed his hand as well. The lack of stimulation, so suddenly and during climax was so disorienting, it was like being thrown into a cartwheel. His breath heaved in his chest as he tried to avoid his body’s reaction, to avoid the embarrassment of coming while he was no longer being touched. His body sputtered, ached, and burned as he tried to hold himself together. He felt ill.

“Who told you to hold it in?” said the silky, cruel voice in his ear. “I want to see it. See you lose it even like this...”

L bit his lip with a vengeance, his body throbbing in reaction to that voice. It was a weakness he’d always had with Light. His voice was like porn.

“Don’t tell me you need me to touch you,” the brunet trailed, lips weaving distracting patterns on his neck. The taunting tone wasn’t lost upon him. Even so, he had to bite back a whimper. His body was in overdrive and he couldn’t.... “Or perhaps,” Light said, clenching a fist in his hair, pulling his head back again, and leaning in close to his mouth to whisper, ”you wanted me to wrap my lips around it and suck you?”

The image of it was too much. He tried to fight it, he really did. But he found himself biting back a cry as he lost the war with himself, and the brunet’s soft laughter feathered his ear.

His body was still trembling as Light pushed him down on his stomach, and his breathing was harsh in his own ears. Light’s hand smoothed down his back, stroking the ill-begotten desire that lurked within his heart and mind and giving it new life; even more so when his limp legs were nudged apart and he felt Light’s body press against him.

He bit the sheets as he was entered, not mollified by the soft voice in his ear that assured him that a simple fuck didn’t require all the extra niceties. He choked as the brunet hit his capacity, his whole body shaking around where Light was spearing him. Tears dripped down his cheeks. He closed his eyes against the incongruity of the situation and the soothing caresses the brunet lay upon his back and sides.

His arms burned, still bound behind his back. He could feel Light’s stomach brush against his captive hands and his fingers as the brunet moved forward and back, rocking into him with unrelenting rhythm. He could almost see the smooth tawniness of his flat belly in his mind, and he tried to beat down the feeling of wanting to touch, of wishing to be a part of this, and not just being acted upon. It was all so different and miserable like this.

Did Light hate him now? Or had this been what lurked within the other man the entire time, and he was only just seeing it for the first time?

Why am I even thinking about that? I should hate him after all of this!

I should hate the sound of his harsh breaths, and the feel of them upon my neck. I should hate the way his body feels in and against mine, hate my sore lips and my bruised ego. I shouldn’t be starting to feel this... to want this...

No, it wasn’t this that he wanted... it was what he thought they’d had before... the way they had gotten along, even if they bickered. It was the comfort of being with someone who could follow him intellectually, and the passion that flowed between them as easy as water. His fists clenched and his body curled in on itself. He tasted blood upon his lip. The loss of what he’d thought lay between them was even more devastating than he’d imagined.

Why had he let himself get involved?

Why....?

Shame burned through him, almost more than he could bear. He supposed he deserved this situation... a reward for being so stupid and careless.

Movements stilled and his dark hair was being brushed out of his eyes. He tried to hide his face but to no avail.

“What are you thinking right now?” the brunet said in a voice that was much more like the one L was accustomed to.

L felt like his ribcage had just been stepped on. Burning and jagged and sharp. “What am I supposed to think?” he rasped out. He sounded more distraught than he’d anticipated. He’d meant to sound nonchalant. How could Light even ask him that, when even now he could feel the hard flesh sheathed in his own body? He burned, he ached, he felt sick, and he also felt despair. His body was flushed, half excited over the intrusion. Mentally, he felt an absolute mess and he just wanted to lock himself in a room and shove a pillow over his head until maybe he suffocated or passed out.

Gentle fingers traced his hip, making desire and despair stab his heart more insistently.

“This isn’t about me...” Light murmured, laying several kisses upon his back and utterly confusing him. “Answer the question,”

“I... I don’t know,” he cried out in frustration, muffled in the comforter. “I don’t know what to think!”

“The rest of you seems to have an opinion,” he said, palming L in his hand for the first time since laying him down.

“Don’t touch me!” he choked out. For some reason, the pleasure of being touched just increased his anguish.

Light ignored him, gently working his flesh with an expert touch. “It feels good, doesn’t it?” L choked on his indignation and lust, face burning hotly. Light leaned in to lay a tender kiss on his cheek. “Even in this situation, it still feels good. Doesn’t that say something to you?”

That I must be depraved? He shook his head violently, refusing to play this new game.

“You like the feel of me, want me, even when you hate it.” Light started to move within him again, this time, smooth and gentle. L couldn’t take the whispering in his ear, not when he was being touched like this. “I can feel how your body takes me in,” he continued softly. ”I can feel you shudder against me as I touch you.”

It was true. He hated it, but it was true.

“How can you be so very stupid, L?” Light mused before capturing his bite-marked lips in a tender, violating kiss.

L reeled. He couldn’t get his bearings. Even his anger at being called stupid was fading in the force of this onslaught.

Light’s hand upon his arousal grew more insistent, and he couldn’t hold back the noises that sounded deep in his throat. Especially not after Light relinquished his mouth to him again. The sounds threatened to burst out now every time the brunet drove into him.

“So... unbelievably... stupid...” Light panted against his shoulder, kissing and biting it in turn, every moment making him seem closer to losing it. “Oblivious. And yet..... I think I lov--”

His words were cut off abruptly as L cried out, body shuddering and choking him. Light sucked in a breath, gasping as orgasm lashed through him, obliterating everything but the intensity of pleasure and release.

---

Morning light filtered through the curtains, slowly transforming from a cool, pale white to a more strident gold.

L blearily brought a hand up to cover his eyes. It was a weird sort of way to wake up, he thought hazily. Usually the insomnia roused him long before the sun had a chance to. In fact, it was often what made him get to work so early...

Work... His brow furrowed. He chewed on the concept for a full minute before bolting upright. His eyes cast about the room, seeing nothing familiar. Where in the hell am I?

Suddenly, memories of last night crashed into his sleep addled brain, eliciting a multitude of reactions all at the same time. They froze him in place, his wide eyes lost in a mess of tumbled black hair. There were too many images and words to even process at the moment. He looked down at himself, still very much naked, and with just the corner of the comforter flipped over his lap. He kicked it off and searched for his pants and other articles of clothing, cursing under his breath. Other than the disarray he himself presented, the room was spotless. Pristine. EMPTY.

And he knew, even without looking at the clock, that he should have been at work some time ago.

Then what the hell was all of that last night? he fumed.

Emotionally he felt like a used dishrag. There was so much that had gone on last night, so much to sort through, and so many contradictions. First of all, was seeing an obvious display of jealousy on Light’s part, then his flippant treatment of the Finnegan issue and his intolerable attitude... then there was the thing at the car, where the brunet had him pretty much convinced that it was all just a misunderstanding.... and to wrap it up, there was the double header of near rape and what had started to sound like a love confession.

What. The. Fuck?

And if the brunet had really been spouting off feelings of love (and meant them) how could he explain this sorry state of affairs where he’d been totally abandoned in this hotel he only vaguely remembered getting to? Was Light just fucking with him? For real?

He knows how seriously I take my work. So to leave without even waking me up is just....

L grabbed his hideously rumpled shirt off of the floor and shook it out. It didn’t do much to change its appearance. It still obviously looked like it had been used for ill intent.

That’s it. I’m DONE.

He scowled darkly as he threw on the shirt, his slacks, and donned his coat.

You hear me, asshole? I’m over this.

I’m done playing your games and letting you in.

L jammed his phone into his coat pocket and stalked towards the door. He very nearly slammed it closed, but restrained himself at the last minute. He was pissed. He still had a bit of a walk to get to his car, IF he even remembered how to get back to it.

During this unplanned morning constitutional, he got to decide whether or not he would go home and change, or save time and just show up to work like this.

---

Sophie greeted him when he arrived at the office. “I would say good morning,” she said, primly, filing her nails, “but as it is nearly time for lunch, that hardly seems like an appropriate greeting.” She blew on her nails and added, “Even if it is the first one of the day.”

L growled, and once more restrained himself from slamming a door as he brushed past her and into his office without a word.

The morning he’d had did not bear repeating, EVER in this lifetime. He’d gotten turned around and it had taken him nearly 45 minutes to find his car. And once he did, he’d discovered that he had a flat tire. His spare was also flat. So he called a service company. They had promised him they could be out within 30 minutes and that they could give him a full-sized tire to replace the flat one. It was the only reason he didn’t try to flag a taxi.

So they brought him a tire... but it took them two and a half hours and a second trip, since they’d assumed they had a stock tire on the truck. It was a fiasco.

He was hungry, vexed, and exceedingly less tolerant of the rumpled shirt than he had been when he’d first contemplated putting it on. Too much time had passed for him to return home, however, so he went straight in to work. He knew he’d basically have to work all day with his jacket on, buttoned up to the top in order to look even mildly presentable.

Sophie knocked and opened his door. Her expression was somewhat unreadable. It did, however, communicate a pretty firm belief that her boss must have lost his mind and that she was not too keen on dealing with it. “In your estimation,” she said blandly, “are you in any state to seriously counsel others on managing their lives? Or should I be canceling your afternoon appointments?”

He glared at her, still very much not in the mood for her lip. “I’m a professional,” he stated through gritted teeth. “I’ll handle it.”

“Humph!” she laughed sarcastically with a roll of her eyes. “Coulda fooled me,” she said over her shoulder, as she let the door swing closed behind her.

He chewed nails and somehow kept back the retort that was on the tip of his tongue. “Hey, why don’t you bring me some coffee while you’re at it?” he called after her in a tone matching the sarcasm of her eye roll. “Since you won’t be busy canceling my patients.”

“We’re out of sugar,” she called back haughtily.

Lies! he growled internally, getting up out of his seat and going to the door. “Sophie,” he said in a mildly cordial voice, controlling himself, though the will to fight was surging. Out of sugar? Of all things?

“What?” she said with petulant anger.

“You know that I prize professional honesty. Why would you lie about something like that?”

“Pfft. Wouldn’t be a lie if I pitched it out the window. Besides, professional honesty? Are you serious right now? Because I don’t see you doing much of either professional or honesty lately and, frankly, it is appalling.”

Something about her expression made him take a mental step back. Even though her attitude irked him.

L took a calming breath and told himself that she had a point, even if her delivery was somewhat grating. “I’m sorry about this morning, I had an issue with the car.”

Her eyes were veeery close to rolling, but she contained herself. “I know, you told me on the phone earlier. But that doesn’t explain all the other times, or why there were other times in the first place. And it’s only been in the last few weeks!”

“I’m sorry--”

She threw up her hands. She’d finally had it. “What’s happened to you? I never even know what to expect anymore. Things can’t go on like this, L! This is a small practice, and every client is too important to bear these cancellations of yours. They’ll go somewhere else and then what? Should I be looking for another job??”

L fought the urge to slide down the wall he was leaning against and sit in a heap on the floor. If there was a quintessential time to be professional, now was it. Sophie had been with him for years and she was an excellent employee. That she was doubting him to this extent was the biggest red flag of all. He had to get a grip on everything.

“No, please do not look for another job,” he said, a certain sullenness touching his voice. “I need you here. Really, I could not run the place without you.”

She looked slightly mollified at the praise, and certainly more attentive.

“Things will go back to normal soon, I promise. I’m sorry I made you worry.”

She searched his face, looking more like her old self. “You are the psychiatrist and all, but... is there anything you need to talk about?” She sounded a little concerned.

He probably did need to talk about this thing with Light, but he really couldn’t. Especially not with her. He smiled sheepishly, dredging up the expression from the depths of his being. He hoped it looked passably authentic. “No, but thank you for the offer.”

She nodded, regarding him dubiously. “Is there anything else you need?”

“The sugar didn’t really go out the window, did it?”

“No, but it was close. It’s on the ledge, so you’ll have to talk it down.”

“What??” He made for the window in mock seriousness, but she started to laugh before he got there.

“I’m joking. Go back to work and I’ll make some and bring it to you.”

“...Thanks.”

“Um... do you want me to bring you back anything when I go to lunch? I’m due to leave in about 15, and something tells me you weren’t planning to go out yourself.”

“That would be great. Anything is fine.” He heaved a sigh. “Is there anyone you cancelled this morning that would like to come in the twelve o’clock hour?”

“You sure you’re up to it?”

“I need to be. You’re right, I can’t keep canceling appointments, no matter what the reason is.”

---

By the end of the day, L had ignored 3 text messages, 2 phone calls and a voicemail, all from Light.

His feet dragged on the way up to his apartment. He felt utterly worn out today, despite having actually slept for a good deal of time through the night. It was probably due in part to his decision to stop entertaining the brunet and try to get his life back in order.

He didn’t want to hear excuses, or “I’m sorry”. There was no point anymore. He could practically hear Light’s nonchalant tone after causing him so much trouble.

And really, that line about him being an insomniac so Light hadn’t felt he could possibly need woken up when he left....?

It sounded like a load of BS, as well as a big old laugh at his expense.

I’m done. I’m not going to let him keep toying with me. That would just be stupid. Even more stupid than letting it go on this long.

He trudged up to his door and stuck the key in the lock, intense aggravation coming over him like a hot wind as he noticed a familiar presence.

“So you’re ignoring me even in person then?”

L cast a dark look at the speaker, who was lounging against the wall near his door. Light looked unflappable and his face held a bland expression. He debated whether the brunet would be more irked by him admitting to ignoring him, or by simply shutting the door in his face.

In the end, he deigned not to answer, and simply went inside. See how nonchalant you can act without an audience, he thought with irritation and a touch of smugness. Before he could get the door closed, however, a perfectly manicured hand shot through the opening and held it ajar.

“Ow,” the brunet said, the door having closed on his hand somewhat before he’d pried it open a bit more.

“Are you oka-” L caught himself in the midst of apologizing. “--seriously going to be this juvenile?”  

“Are you??” the brunet shot back.

Anger burbled up and L flung the door open, startling Light. “If deciding to be done with you after what you did is juvenile, then yes.”

“And what is it that I did to you?” His tone was half sarcastic, half probing.

“Are you freaking serious right now?” L raged. “What didn’t you do?!”

“I apologized for not waking you. I got an emergency call for work. I really didn’t think there was any possible danger of you oversleeping. You’re an insomniac, after all--”

“That isn’t even the half of it,” he hissed, “and as you know, I can’t even discuss the other part out here in the hall!”

“So let me in, and we’ll talk,” Light persisted calmly, though he also looked aggravated.

L’s glare sharpened, and he gave the impression of a storm which was about to set loose. “Hell, no. What part of ‘I’m done with this’ are you not registering in that amply endowed brain of yours?”

Light’s jaw locked and a muscle twitched in his cheek. “The part where I find it unacceptable that you are blaming me for everything and being willfully oblivious to your part.”

“Well, I couldn’t very well rape myself, now could I?!” he shout-whispered.

Light’s expression became a complex mixture of self-suffering, anger, and frustration, with a teeeeny little dash of guilt. “Well, if you weren’t so freaking obtuse, I wouldn’t have to spell things out for you like that!”

“So it’s MY fault, then?!!” It was getting harder and harder for L to remember that this conversation was occurring on his doorstep. He was also pretty sure he was going to punch the brunet, probably the next time he spoke.

Light’s eyes looked somewhat cagey for a moment as if he sensed L’s increasing thirst for violence hinged rather precariously upon what he said next. “We shouldn’t talk out here,” he said again, stalling. “Your neighbors...”

L almost said, ‘Fuck them’ out of the intense agitation that was ruling him at the moment, but thought better of it. He then happened to notice that his one neighbor, sweet old Dottie May, was actually on her way in and was tossing a concerned and curious look at the two of them.  

Wordlessly, L swung the door open, glaring daggers. Light crossed the threshold in a subdued fashion. When the door swung shut, it was like the closing of a prison cell. The tension in the air spiked immediately.

“Mrow?”

“Not now, Blackie,” L said darkly, wanting to get back to where they’d left off. “Go on, I do believe you were about to tell me how I could fuck myself.”

“Mrow?” The kitten, as always, did her own thing. She brushed against Light’s leg and looked up adoringly.

To L’s consternation, the brunet picked her up, smoothing a hand over her tiny head. He wasn’t sure if it was to use her as a shield, or if he was going to threaten her safety. Either way, it dulled L’s anger a bit and made him more cautious. Light’s own eyes were catlike, and a bit alien. “Your paranoia has caused a lot of problems,” Light stated coldly. “You could never bring yourself to trust my intent, and so you fabricate all these reasons to make me unsafe. I could have handled it better, I suppose, but last night you were so far gone I was sure that you’d be lost entirely if I didn’t do something drastic.”

“What you did was unacceptable,” L ground out, “No matter what the reasons behind it were.”

“And you’re going to stand there and say you felt nothing?”

“Oh, I felt something alright,” he growled. “Now put my cat down.”

Light glared at him imperiously. “But she’s such a lovely shield.” He stroked her head again and L was doubly aggravated to hear her purr. “And the moment I put her down, you are going to do something unreasonable. Aren’t you?” It wasn’t a question. He knew the answer to that already. “You feel something for me,” Light persisted, “and you are too paranoid to even give this a chance.”

“You lost your chance!” L shouted. “Who in the hell would forgive something like that??”

“You are totally missing the point here!” Light finally lost his temper, scaring the cat out of his arms. “Every time I’ve tried to get close to you, you pulled away. You balked at the idea of going on a date, of being in a relationship, and even accused me of wanting nothing but sex. That pisses me off so badly I could hit you!” He took a few menacing steps towards L, as if daring to strike him now. “And then last night, despite the way I went about it, it was like I finally got through to you. I showed you how different ‘just sex’ was and that it was never like that with you.”

Something about that clicked. Even though L was still very angry. Hadn’t it been something along those lines that he had thought just last night?

“So ‘just sex’ for you involves bondage and rape?” he remarked in a barbed tone. He was being obtuse on purpose, too angry to let this go so easily.

Light put a hand over his face and counted to ten. L could actually hear him muttering under his breath.  

When his hand came down, he looked even more pissed off than before. “You would have forgiven me for that if this morning hadn’t set your paranoia into full swing. You had forgiven me. But you are so damn obstinate! And infuriating! One little doubt sends the whole house of cards into collapse. And after I had even gone so far as to confess I had feelings for you--” Light broke off here and actually looked like he might be embarrassed over the admission. Which, on him, translated to a narrowing of the eyes, crossed arms and an abrupt cessation of his rant.

“I had no way to know if you meant that or if you were just playing me,” he argued.

“GRAH!” Light exclaimed and actually walked away from him, twisting his graceful fingers into his hair in such a way that it looked like it probably hurt. “You know better than anyone that there are no guarantees!”

“And you should know, better than anyone,” he shot back, “that charismatic people like you aren’t all that trustworthy!”

Light spun on his heel. “Are you saying you think I’m a sociopath??”

(Or a Narcissist, L added silently, noting Light did not mention that possibility at all.) He frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. “I can hardly make an assessment from the short time I’ve known you.”

“Yes, you can,” Light snapped. “I have a proven understanding for emotions and emotional motivations, and I have also allowed you to inconvenience me time and time again with no ill effect upon you. I also do not stand to gain anything from a relationship with you such as prestige, power, or wealth, et cetera. The only thing I stand to gain is your reciprocation of my feelings - if you would just get your head out of your ass long enough to acknowledge them.”

“Mrow!” Blackie added from underneath the couch.

“See?” Light said without missing a beat, “Even the damn cat agrees!”

Light’s words hit him like a flash bomb. L sank down onto the floor, losing the capacity for remaining upright as Light’s words started to sink in and shake his certainty. His brain sped over everything in high gear, searching, assessing, reanalyzing. He flipped through past events, past conversations... he also grudgingly admitted that while Light showed what could be attributed to sociopathic tendencies, he was correct in the reasons why he could be ruled out as one in general. His logic was sound. Not that that absolved him from his behavior in the least...

He heard Light cross the floor to stand in front of him. The brunet dropped down to look him in the eye. For a startled moment, L thought he was going to properly confess his feelings again or something. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Confess,” Light said squarely.

“E-Excuse me?!”

“Confess to me right now - every sordid little piece of emotion that you have hidden away where the light of day would never touch it. Everything that I felt from you last night, which you would deny under penalty of death. Everything. Right now. Spill.”

L mouth-flapped, unable to form a coherent word, much less a sentence.

Light loomed over him, making him backpedal and fall slowly backward on his arms, until he was caged upon the floor by the relentless brunet. “You can start with how obvious it was to you, after my demonstration,” Light said as he straddled him, “that we never had meaningless sex.”

“Uh...” L felt his face start to color, partly because he was remembering flashes of last night in HD detail.

Light’s face hovered over his, at least a foot away, but the intensity of his gaze was still too impressive to bear. It had turned somewhat sly as well, as if honing in upon his moment of indecisiveness and the abating of righteous anger.

“And then,” the brunet said suggestively, now with bedroom eyes which were sharp as they pinned him, “you can tell me exactly how it feels to make love to someone you are absolutely mad for.” That heated amber gaze roved his face and licked at his soul. “Like how it feels when you shudder in my hand and moan in my ear, begging me to--”

L’s whole face turned red. “I-I can’t say something like that!”

“No?” a playful lilt undermined the innocence in his query, as he dipped his head to nuzzle L’s neck.

“Absolutely, no!”

“Ok…” Lips brushed the hollow of his throat, distracting. “So instead,” he said with dark playfulness, “can’t you just admit that you love me?”

“N-No! Not that either!”

Light resurfaced, looked mildly exasperated. “This relationship is never going to work if you can’t learn to compromise.”

Relationship? They’d never had one, and here Light had the gall to act like they were in one now, so soon after he had decided to end things entirely? Light certainly didn’t lack fortitude when it came to making ballsy maneuvers if he thought it might turn things to his liking. The knowledge both irritated and sort of impressed him. “I’ll.... I’ll admit that I like you…” he relented, feeling startled and put on the spot. Then added, “...maybe.”

Light sighed, a bland expression on his face. “Really, Lawliet? Is that the best you can do?”

“Shut up. Your so-called confession was preceded by ‘I think’.”

Light smiled. “Ah, so you were paying attention when I said that. And did you happen to notice that I barely got the words out before you cam--”

“Shut up!” L said, quickly throwing a hand up over Light’s mouth.

“You are fighting a losing battle, mon trésor en sucre.” The brunet laid lascivious kisses upon L’s fingers and palm, then met his eyes with an intense gaze. “J'veux etre avec toi.”  ((I want to be with you))

L felt the words ripple through him, stirring more than a blush. His hand tingled from the soft touches of full, sensual lips. He tried to regain possession of it, in the hopes that he could stop this downward slide. “Stop trying to win me over with le Français...” L protested, as though it didn’t have a profound affect on him. There really was something about the way syllables rolled off of the brunet’s tongue that was compelling and nearly inescapable.

“Idiot,” Light admonished, holding firm even as he teased him, “French is the language of seduction, not of winning.”

L frowned. He was really going to have to find a way to keep Light from calling him an idiot. It was annoying at best--

L’s internal dialog was cut short by the press of lips against his. His heart thumped with surprise as Light demonstrated one of the other languages the French are known for. Reaction tingled through his body against his will as Light kissed him slow, possessively and passionately.

Light broke the kiss to say softly in his ear, “Dans tes bras c'est mon destin.” ((My destiny is in your arms))

L turned bright red, pushing him back. “You can’t be serious!” What a line! If he hadn’t been sure Light was teasing him before, he was definitely sure now.

Light was biting his lip slightly, looking amused as hell. “What, can’t I be serious about that?”  

“Obviously you’re not!” He was slightly miffed by the fact that that cheesy line had actually gotten to him for a fraction of a second.

Light’s eyes brimmed with mirth, “That actually got to you, didn’t it?” he taunted slyly. “I can’t believe it.”

“No, it didn’t.” L tried to stonewall him, even as his face grew hotter. How mortifying, truly!

Light cupped L’s hands in his own then, gazed into his eyes and said very earnestly, “Je veux passer la reste de ma vie avec vous.” ((I want to spend the rest of my life with you.))


L blushed to the tips of his ears. “Will you stop that?!”

“Veux-tu m'epouser?” ((Will youmarry me?)) He countered, barely keeping the mirth from his tone as he tossed that one back, enjoying his teasing of L entirely too much. He laughed deeply as he ducked the resulting swing L took at him, noting that the object of his affection was having trouble looking him in the eye.

---

fin
A/N: I’m not sure if there will be a future epilogue or anything. The possibility is there, I just didn’t want to leave this update hanging in the breeze until I figured that out. Cheers, ya’ll!