Digimon Fan Fiction / Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ Ultimatum 2: The Argetlahm Adventures ❯ Cody and Squall's F**ked Up Adventure ( Chapter 6 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Ultimanium 
Anime/Manga: Digimon Fan Fiction / Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Adventure / Action | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 09.15.2002 | Pages: 6 | Words: 3.6K | Visits: 294 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Digimon Fan Fiction / Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Adventure / Action | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 09.15.2002 | Pages: 6 | Words: 3.6K | Visits: 294 | Status: Completed
*Camera pans around a room, lined with bookcases, as classical music plays in the background. The camera finally stops on a person in a recliner, next to a table with a lit candle.*
Keyvan : Hello. You probably don't know me, but if you do, YOU NEED A LIFE!!! *ahem* anyways, I speak to you now from the tomes of knowledge I use regularly for writing purposes. My name is Keyvan Chandonnet, penname Ultimanium, and author of this fic.
Keyvan : Humor. Humor can be defined and expressed in many different ways. Some people prefer kiddie humor, vulgar humor, anything that comes their way. Upon surveying mainstream fanfiction sites, I have realized that two major devlierances of humor. First, and foremost, you have conventional humor, which the author of the speaking fanfic has planned out to use situations in the normal program which the fic is based on to humorous effect. And, then, you have random humor - people who just type in random, useless, and totally STRANGE situations for their character. Proficient examples of random humor include (yes, you can type these in the Title Search box and get an answer) The Worst DBZ Story Ever, Origami Pants among others. (A/N - Random, stupid, and FUNNY AS HELL! If you're into that kind of thing, of course.)
Keyvan : (Folds his hands) Anyways, that brings us to our most recent chapter in the Argetlahm Adventures. Seeing that a dimensional rupture is heading toward the Argetlahm, and no one has any damn clue as to what that's supposed to mean, I will use this chapter to try out my... RANDOM HUMOR!!... okay, then. I, Keyvan Chandonnet, is proud to present to you...
Cody and Squall's F**ked Up Adventure!!
*The bookcase behind Keyvan swings around and Cloud leaps out in front of Keyvan from where it once stood*
Cloud : It's F**ked Up!!
Keyvan : That was my line.
Cloud : F**ked up forever!!
Keyvan : If we want this to stay PG-13 any longer, you would have to stop swearing.
Cloud : F**k! That wouldn't be good!
Keyvan : (glares at Cloud) oooookay then. Let's see what we can f**k up here.
Argetlahm Mess Hall
Day 6, 6:13 AM
Ultimanium sighed. "So you never DID get the J2000, did you?"
Goku sulked. "...no.."
Vegeta sprung from his cereal. "We would've, if it weren't for those damn androids!"
Ultimanium swept Goku and Vegeta away. "Sorry, guys, but I'm going to have to ban both of you from the rec room for a while."
Goku's jaw dropped. Vegeta sat and snickered to himself.
"Or the training room."
Vegeta scowled to himself and stormed out of the mess hall.
Ultimanium climbed up onto a table. "Everybody! Can I have your attention!"
Everybody looked at Ultimanium.
"Alright. The 6 people assigned for last mission DID NOT get the J2000 out of reach of Ultramagnus, and he has activated it. However, the probe did not make it all the way through the dimensional gate to our dimension before being compressed."
Gatomon leaned back in her chair. "And that affects us how?"
Ultimanium bowed his head. "I don't know. I just heard that any compression occuring IN a gate can cause a minor dimensional rupture. Eventually, it will heal itself, but it will be heading toward the Argetlahm shortly, and we do not have time to warm the engines. I need you all to remain in your bunks for the next several hours until the disruption heals. I will use the J3 to set up a second-layer anti-dimensional field around your bunks, and I will tell you when the anolomy has subsided."
Everybody groaned and began to make their way out of the mess hall, headed straight to their bunks for what would be a long nap. But we know better than that.
********
Magnus turned his chair around. "The second antidimensional field has been activated. Now we just have to wait and see."
Ultimanium turned back out towards the glass dome of the bridge. It was almost like space-time rippled in front of them, beckoning them into the storm. "Okay, then. Set up another field around the bridge, so we can survey the anolomy."
Magnus reached over and tapped another button. "Gotcha."
As Ultimanium left to watch space from the other side of the bridge, Lord Raul leaned over Magnus' control panel. "Is the power throttle supposed to be all the way up for the J3 to set up antidimensional fields? I thought it was all the way down. Is that the right field polarity?"
Magnus shrugged. "Hey, I checked. Everything'll be all right."
Ultimanium whipped around. "We're entering the anolomy in seconds. Send out a message to the Chosen."
********
Squall threw his fist against the door. "Who's in there?!"
"Give me a damn minute!" TK yelled. The door slowly slid open and he stepped out. Squall rushed in. TK looked back at the iron door. "I bet the girls don't have to go through this."
Conker sat leaning against a wall. "4 girls for a bathroom, 20 guys for the other. We need to talk to Ulty about getting another one installed. I hope the rest of you can get to the bathroom and do your business in about... um.... 2 minutes. The bunks are going to be locking down into Code Red."
Izzy sat, poised on the floor. "So these Gundams... they supposedly enhance your reflexes?"
Duo shrugged. "That's all I've been able to make of it."
(A/N - If you're wondering about this, Izzy and the Gundam guys got here at the end of chapter 4 on Ultimanium's dropship. Read the damn story, people!)
Izzy rubbed his chin. "I've heard of technology like that being used somewhere... I forget where, though... could you possibly show me the main module of the Gundams?"
Heero shook his head. "Classified information."
Before Izzy could retort, the hall was dumped into a deep red light. The loudspeaker crackled again.
"The Argetlahm is entering Code Red. All Argetlahm personnel report to their bunks, lock up and await further instructions. Thank you, and have a nice day."
Cloud started towards the turbolift. "That's our cue."
"Who's left in the bathroom?" Serge asked.
Conker quickly counted those present. "Squall and Cody." He quickly strided over to the bathroom door and rapped hard on it. "Squall! Cody! Hurry up in there! We're entering Code Red!" He turned back to the group. "C'mon, guys, let's get down to our bunks before anything nasty happens."
********
Cody tossed open the stall door and walked over to the sink, and began washing his hands. He turned to face Squall, standing at a urinal.
"Hey, Squall. Did you hear something out there about Code Red?"
Squall zipped himself up, and began washing his hands as well. "They must be getting into their bunks now. We have to hurry."
Both Cody and Squall shut off their taps and hopped in the turbolift, taking it down to the male bunks. As they stepped out into the hall, they noticed every single door was clamped shut.
Cody gulped. "Are we too late?"
Squall turned his head up in time to catch the transmission fizzling over the intercom.
"Anolomy incoming. T-minus 30 seconds."
********
Ultimanium glanced hastily around the bridge. "Everybody, brace yourselves."
Magnus looked up from his computer console. "Hey, Ultimanium. Come and look at this for a second. I analyzed the field's strength, and I got a weird number out of it..."
Ultimanium leaned over Magnus' shoulder and peered down on the screen in front of him. "..uh.. you're not supposed to have a negative number... " he shot back up. "DAMN IT!! IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!!"
Raul shot up. "Why?"
"The polarity on the barriers is reversed!" Ultimanium yelled. "The anolomy is going to affect everything OUTSIDE of the bunks, and screw up everything INSIDE!!"
Magnus sweatdropped. "..uh oh.."
"T-minus 15 seconds!" Raul shouted.
Magnus flinched. "Is there anything we can do about them?"
Ultimanium sulked. "I suppose we have to wait... and let the anolomy take its course..."
"T-minus 5 seconds! 4! 3! 2! 1!...."
********
Tai rested on his side. "I tell you, it's a thief sword."
"Yeah, I say swallow."
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
"No, I say swallow." Tai said.
"No it isn't, it's a thief sword." Serge explained.
Tai sat still for a minute. "...swallow?"
Serge blinked. "Thief sword?"
********
Davis looked up. "Hey, Conker."
"Yeah?"
"You know who's really hot?"
"No, who?"
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
"Izzy!"
Conker, feeling some sort of sickness, hopped of his bed, faced down, and socked Davis in the face.
"How about Gatomon? Would you recommend her?"
Conker backed off. "What is going on here...."
********
Karsh and Vegeta sat in their room, facing each other, bitching each other out over the normal things total rivals bitch each other out about.
"Silence already," Vegeta growled. "Your power level compares nothing to mine."
"Who the hell was asking you?! What in hell is a power level, and even if I knew, looking at me wouldn't determine it any! Damn it!"
"You're worse than Kakarot!"
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
Karsh blinked. "Y-you mean it?"
Vegeta opened his eyes. "Sorry, did I offend you?
"No problem," Karsh sighed. "I get it a lot. I forgive you."
********
Rodent stood in the center of the room, facing towards the bunks. Gohan leaned off of the top bunk. "Eh, some militaristic casual dress you have there."
Rodent stood tall. "Reminds me of my career."
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
Gohan looked at Rodent strangely. "...a protestor?"
Rodent looked down at himself, dressed entirely in plaid, with a flower tattoo on his arm. For some inexplicable reason, he had a beard that touched the ground. He let out a shrill scream.
********
Armadillomon hid underneath a pillow, attempting to escape Goku's neferious snoring.
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
The snoring stopped. Armadillomon climbed up the ladder to Goku's bunk... and found he wasn't there.
********
Veemon sat in bed, attempting to sleep. Off in the background, Agumon and Patamon carried on a conversation in private.
"So Vee's really going for Gato, huh," Agumon sighed. "About time someone took some action around here."
Patamon shook his head. "I need help here, Agumon. It's almost like Gato likes that freak... and after that incident with the Change Now... well... images of TK, let's just keep it at that."
Agumon shook his head. "I'm not taking sides. Besides, with all due respect, I wouldn't go out with a..."
Patamon closed his eyes. "No. No. No. I refuse to admit it."
"..batpig?"
Patamon dove at Agumon and wrestled him to the ground. "Damn you! Damn yooooou!!"
"Yeah, just try!" Agumon laughed. "If you're so desperate, why don't you take the next person who comes into this room, huh?!"
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
An underwear-clad Goku dropped out from thin air and landed besides Agumon and Patamon, still in a snoring fit. Both sweatdropped.
Agumon laughed uneasily to himself. "Er.."
********
Ultimanium slammed his hands down on the control panel. "Give me a status report!"
Lord Raul's swivel chair threw itself around. "No hull or systems damage, as we predicted. We're still picking up the Chosen, though. You might want to check this out... the floorplans show that everybody is locked in their bunk except for two people..."
"Who?!"
"Squall and Cody."
********
"Squall! Cody!" boomed over the intercom.
Cody looked over his shoulder. "Now we're in for it."
"No, you're not in trouble! I have something very important to ask you! I need you to head down to the engine room where I keep the J3 and recalibrate its dimensional field!"
Squall looked up. "But we don't know how."
"There are some people on the ship not affected. Head to Conker's bunk and get him to give you a hand."
Cody walked over and and tapped a button on the door, making it slide open. Inside, Conker was holding Davis away from him.
"Er.. Davis?" Cody asked. "Could I ask what you're doing?"
Davis turned to Cody with an extremely stupid grin on his face. "What do you think? I love him."
Conker threw another fist into the back of Davis' head, knocking him out. "Poor guy. If we had Kari right now I would feel a little less inclined to sack him, but.."
"We don't have time," Squall stated. "We have to get down to the J3 and recalibrate its dimensional field... or something..."
Conker nodded. "I can do that. ... wait, is this space-dimension-anolomy thing causing all this?"
The loudspeaker continued. "Yes. Now, go back into Davis' bunk and get his D3. Veemon is unaffected as well."
Conker held up the D3. "You mean this pager-thingy?"
"Yes. You'll need all the help you can get... outside of the dimensional defense barrier, some pretty weird things can happen... I gave Veemon a shot before I left that nullified his digivolution restraints, so anyone now can use the D3 to digivolve him. It was genes from another digimon... hmm... what was it... forget it, get down there to the J3 now! We don't have time!... oh.. great.."
********
Another anvil fell to Ultimanium's feet. "...the dimensional barrier around the bridge is failing. There's no telling what could get through here if it fully collapsed."
Magnus stepped to his side, barely dodging the computer desk that crashed into the ground where he once stood. "What's with all the crap falling on us? If it would stay as one thing, I wouldn't mind.. but, geez..."
Raul dove out of the way of a wooden cabinet, which splintered into shards of material upon impact with the bridge floor. "It only gets worse from here, guys. Just dodge what you can!"
********
(A/N - Just try to follow along the best you can.)
Squall, Cody, Conker and Veemon all charged down the neverending hallway. They stopped at a large pit in the floor, grabbed onto conveiniently placed ropes, and swung across the chasm. When they all disembarked from the ropes, they all took off their recently aquired Indiana Jones fedoras and tossed them to the wayside and resumed their mad charge. All of a sudden, the bulkhead corrupted and crumpled, eventually collapsing, and everybody was sucked into space. Well, they normally would've died there and then, but Keyvan, being the nice author he is, let them all take a shortcut running along the hull of the Argetlahm. Still, though no one had to worry about air, it was a long run, and soon the heroes got tired. Several heavily armed jazz singers cornered the Chosen against the obscenely large rudder of the ship. They all held butterknives as they beared down on the group.
Conker tossed Cody the D3. "Use this!!"
As Cody attempted to figure out Davis' stupidly customized D3, Veemon lept into action. "Vee Headbutt!!" He dove at the fat African-American and drove a foot into its gut, sending it flying off into space.
"No!" Conker yelled. "You were supposed to use your head!!"
"I was trying!" Veemon wailed. He spun around and delivered a backhand into the face of another singer, making him explode for no reason other than to make it look like Veemon was actually kicking ass, when in fact he wasn't. A singer leaped off the hull of the ship and brought down a 12-foot long harmonica on Veemon's head, making him stumble off.
Conker whipped up his Magnum and started firing, covering the frustrated Cody. A slug pierced through another jazz singer, making him turn inside out. Conker shot another round into him, imploding him.
"NOW I get it!" Cody shouted. "Davis tried to install Windows CE on this thing but got only halfway through it! Veemon! Are you ready?" Veemon nodded.
Cody punched the key on the D3, showing a somewhat... different... digiegg.
Veemon... armor digivolve to....
GINSUMON!! The pain of curiosity!!
Ginsumon looked exactly like Veemon, except he was holding a 40-foot long butcher knife. As the remaining jazz singers charged at him, he just stood there.
"Ginsumon!" Squall yelled. "Do something!!"
Ginsumon just stood there. When the singers got close to him, they stopped and peered at the obscenely large blade he carried. "Hey, sweet ass knife, man," One said. "Can we see it?"
Ginsumon grinned. "Why, sure." He handed the large knife away to the jazzman. As the singer ran his finger along the blade of the knife, Ginsumon yelled "REGRETFUL CURIOSITY!!", making the jazz artist drop the knife in surprise, chopping off the feet of each singer present.
"Nooooo!!" One screamed. "Ginsumon! Don't think you've won this time!! You'll never get away with this... noooooooooooooo..." The jazz singers slowly began evaporating, and returned to whichever planet they came from, one by the name of Reggaeolis.. but that's another story for another day. Ginsumon dedigivolved back to Veemon and tossed the huge knife into space.
Tai and Agumon poked their heads out of one of the many holes in the ship generated in the fight. "Hey, guys!"
Squall turned. "Tai? Agumon? What are you doing here?"
Tai rolled his eyes. "Well, given how screwed up this chapter is so far, we thought we'd join in and provide our OWN stupidity, just for the hell of it."
Agumon.. warp digivolve to...
WARCASULTYGREYMON!!
Tai looked up at the once mighty Wargreymon, its gleaming armor torn into shreds.
Warcasultygreymon looked down at himself. "YYYAAAAHHHH!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?"
"We're almost there, Agumon," Cody said. "Don't worry about it."
So the entire group dashed along the surface of the Argetlahm, trouncing anything and everything in their path. A Kimeramon, the ugly bitch Ultimecia (who is not related to Ultimanium in any way), the crazed ghost of Frieza, another Kimeramon, Akuma from Street Figher, several indians, the Edmonton Oilers, ANOTHER Kimeramon, the Russian Mafia, Ken (in a berserker rage because he never showed up in this fic), Venus Williams, Keyvan Chandonnet's evil neighbor, YET ANOTHER Kimeramon, a rabid husky, a swarm of bees, a locked door, which everybody walked around, Albert Einstein, the Isreli Armed Forces, three control spires, a crate of dark rings, the Empire State Building, and 5 million dollars were defeated by the group as they fought on.
Conker fired off a round at Rose O'Donnell as she let loose a deep roar and lunged at the group. Conker dove and swept the money away and stuffed some in his pockets. "Are we there yet? I'm running out of ammo!"
Tai tossed Conker a sack of potatoes. "Use these!"
Using superhuman agility only granted in desperate situations like these, Conker, in a millisecond, gnawed away half of a potato to form a needle point on the end. He stuck the point into the gun barrel and shot it at Rosie O'Donnell, making her explode with an accompanying shockwave. Everybody fell down, but bounced off the hard steel coating of the Argetlahm and landed on their feet.
As George Bush dove at the group, Squall leaped into the air and punched him in the face 8,924 times then kicked him in the groin. After a long hard hour of fighting, Squall landed back on his feet as the politician landed flat on his spine.
Cody was managing to beat off various PETA protestors with his Kendo stick, but he was beginning to tire. "Veemon! Again!"
Veemon... digivolve to...
Exveemon!!
Conker looked around. "...Exveemon? Exveemon! Where are you?"
Demiveemon tugged at Cody's pants. "This isn't funny!"
"Hmm... Exveemon...." Cody held out the D3 and turned Demiveemon back into his Rookie form.
(A/N - Ex? Get it? .... screw you.)
Cody fended off several more blows from a lanky old man wearing a tye-dye t-shirt. "We'll try something else! Digi-super-duper-ultra-mega-neat & tidy-multi-nitro-armor hyper-power-energize!!"
Veemon... armor digivolve to...
Magnamon!
Cody dusted his hands. "That worked."
Magnamon threw his arms back harshly. "Magna Explosion!!"
A nova erupted on the surface of the ship, completely obliterating all the enemies around them.
"Don't do it, man!!" The old man gasped. "Don't be a tool to the machine!!" The light engulfed him and left an empty skeleton in its wake.
Tai looked up. "The J3 is right underneath our position. We can blast through the hull down to its position. Wargreymon!"
Warcasultygreymon rose into the sky and began charging a ball of energy above his head. "Force Terra!!" The energy exploded in his hands, incinerating him.
Tai stepped up. "Damn it! Do it again!!"
Warcasultygreymon coughed. "Sorry. Always get those two mixed up. Terra Force!!"
A bright ball of energy impacted against the hull of the Argetlahm, shattering it. Inside lied the engine room. For some reason, nothing was floating out.
"C'mon, guys," Cody beckoned. "Let's finish this."
Ultimanium stood on the stage in the center of the war room. "Thank you all for putting up with the staying in the bunks. Special thanks to the people who refitted the J3."
Conker rubbed his eyes. "Damn it... if anything like this happens again..."
Raul shook his head. "We understand how you all feel. We were spending our time on the bridge dodging falling furniture. Magnus got nailed by a flying hot dog stand so he's down in the sickbay right now. For our apology, we are instating another 2 day holiday."
Everybody cheered. Duo leaped up. "Yeeeah!!"
Gatomon turned in her seat. "Veemon? Game of Starcraft?"
Veemon blinked. Davis nudged him. "Uh... yeah, sure." Veemon stammered.
"Great. Be in the rec room in a minute."
So everything was fine in the Argetlahm again. The effects of the anolomy began to subside - Goku ran about the halls of the Argetlahm in his underwear and eventually found his clothes, which relieved everybody. Davis no longer had a fetish for digimon. Rodent shaved off his beard and went back to his militia ways. Karsh and Vegeta got into a fistfight shortly after the meeting in the war room. Tai and Serge began arguing again over the true term for the battlestaff.
"Damn narrarator!!" Tai screamed. "Who's side are you on, anyways? Thief sword!!"
"Swallow!!" Serge yelled.
... yeah. Anyways, all was fair on the Argetlahm. And this time, peace was going to last....
...but we know how THAT always turns out...
Keyvan : Hello. You probably don't know me, but if you do, YOU NEED A LIFE!!! *ahem* anyways, I speak to you now from the tomes of knowledge I use regularly for writing purposes. My name is Keyvan Chandonnet, penname Ultimanium, and author of this fic.
Keyvan : Humor. Humor can be defined and expressed in many different ways. Some people prefer kiddie humor, vulgar humor, anything that comes their way. Upon surveying mainstream fanfiction sites, I have realized that two major devlierances of humor. First, and foremost, you have conventional humor, which the author of the speaking fanfic has planned out to use situations in the normal program which the fic is based on to humorous effect. And, then, you have random humor - people who just type in random, useless, and totally STRANGE situations for their character. Proficient examples of random humor include (yes, you can type these in the Title Search box and get an answer) The Worst DBZ Story Ever, Origami Pants among others. (A/N - Random, stupid, and FUNNY AS HELL! If you're into that kind of thing, of course.)
Keyvan : (Folds his hands) Anyways, that brings us to our most recent chapter in the Argetlahm Adventures. Seeing that a dimensional rupture is heading toward the Argetlahm, and no one has any damn clue as to what that's supposed to mean, I will use this chapter to try out my... RANDOM HUMOR!!... okay, then. I, Keyvan Chandonnet, is proud to present to you...
Cody and Squall's F**ked Up Adventure!!
*The bookcase behind Keyvan swings around and Cloud leaps out in front of Keyvan from where it once stood*
Cloud : It's F**ked Up!!
Keyvan : That was my line.
Cloud : F**ked up forever!!
Keyvan : If we want this to stay PG-13 any longer, you would have to stop swearing.
Cloud : F**k! That wouldn't be good!
Keyvan : (glares at Cloud) oooookay then. Let's see what we can f**k up here.
Argetlahm Mess Hall
Day 6, 6:13 AM
Ultimanium sighed. "So you never DID get the J2000, did you?"
Goku sulked. "...no.."
Vegeta sprung from his cereal. "We would've, if it weren't for those damn androids!"
Ultimanium swept Goku and Vegeta away. "Sorry, guys, but I'm going to have to ban both of you from the rec room for a while."
Goku's jaw dropped. Vegeta sat and snickered to himself.
"Or the training room."
Vegeta scowled to himself and stormed out of the mess hall.
Ultimanium climbed up onto a table. "Everybody! Can I have your attention!"
Everybody looked at Ultimanium.
"Alright. The 6 people assigned for last mission DID NOT get the J2000 out of reach of Ultramagnus, and he has activated it. However, the probe did not make it all the way through the dimensional gate to our dimension before being compressed."
Gatomon leaned back in her chair. "And that affects us how?"
Ultimanium bowed his head. "I don't know. I just heard that any compression occuring IN a gate can cause a minor dimensional rupture. Eventually, it will heal itself, but it will be heading toward the Argetlahm shortly, and we do not have time to warm the engines. I need you all to remain in your bunks for the next several hours until the disruption heals. I will use the J3 to set up a second-layer anti-dimensional field around your bunks, and I will tell you when the anolomy has subsided."
Everybody groaned and began to make their way out of the mess hall, headed straight to their bunks for what would be a long nap. But we know better than that.
********
Magnus turned his chair around. "The second antidimensional field has been activated. Now we just have to wait and see."
Ultimanium turned back out towards the glass dome of the bridge. It was almost like space-time rippled in front of them, beckoning them into the storm. "Okay, then. Set up another field around the bridge, so we can survey the anolomy."
Magnus reached over and tapped another button. "Gotcha."
As Ultimanium left to watch space from the other side of the bridge, Lord Raul leaned over Magnus' control panel. "Is the power throttle supposed to be all the way up for the J3 to set up antidimensional fields? I thought it was all the way down. Is that the right field polarity?"
Magnus shrugged. "Hey, I checked. Everything'll be all right."
Ultimanium whipped around. "We're entering the anolomy in seconds. Send out a message to the Chosen."
********
Squall threw his fist against the door. "Who's in there?!"
"Give me a damn minute!" TK yelled. The door slowly slid open and he stepped out. Squall rushed in. TK looked back at the iron door. "I bet the girls don't have to go through this."
Conker sat leaning against a wall. "4 girls for a bathroom, 20 guys for the other. We need to talk to Ulty about getting another one installed. I hope the rest of you can get to the bathroom and do your business in about... um.... 2 minutes. The bunks are going to be locking down into Code Red."
Izzy sat, poised on the floor. "So these Gundams... they supposedly enhance your reflexes?"
Duo shrugged. "That's all I've been able to make of it."
(A/N - If you're wondering about this, Izzy and the Gundam guys got here at the end of chapter 4 on Ultimanium's dropship. Read the damn story, people!)
Izzy rubbed his chin. "I've heard of technology like that being used somewhere... I forget where, though... could you possibly show me the main module of the Gundams?"
Heero shook his head. "Classified information."
Before Izzy could retort, the hall was dumped into a deep red light. The loudspeaker crackled again.
"The Argetlahm is entering Code Red. All Argetlahm personnel report to their bunks, lock up and await further instructions. Thank you, and have a nice day."
Cloud started towards the turbolift. "That's our cue."
"Who's left in the bathroom?" Serge asked.
Conker quickly counted those present. "Squall and Cody." He quickly strided over to the bathroom door and rapped hard on it. "Squall! Cody! Hurry up in there! We're entering Code Red!" He turned back to the group. "C'mon, guys, let's get down to our bunks before anything nasty happens."
********
Cody tossed open the stall door and walked over to the sink, and began washing his hands. He turned to face Squall, standing at a urinal.
"Hey, Squall. Did you hear something out there about Code Red?"
Squall zipped himself up, and began washing his hands as well. "They must be getting into their bunks now. We have to hurry."
Both Cody and Squall shut off their taps and hopped in the turbolift, taking it down to the male bunks. As they stepped out into the hall, they noticed every single door was clamped shut.
Cody gulped. "Are we too late?"
Squall turned his head up in time to catch the transmission fizzling over the intercom.
"Anolomy incoming. T-minus 30 seconds."
********
Ultimanium glanced hastily around the bridge. "Everybody, brace yourselves."
Magnus looked up from his computer console. "Hey, Ultimanium. Come and look at this for a second. I analyzed the field's strength, and I got a weird number out of it..."
Ultimanium leaned over Magnus' shoulder and peered down on the screen in front of him. "..uh.. you're not supposed to have a negative number... " he shot back up. "DAMN IT!! IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!!"
Raul shot up. "Why?"
"The polarity on the barriers is reversed!" Ultimanium yelled. "The anolomy is going to affect everything OUTSIDE of the bunks, and screw up everything INSIDE!!"
Magnus sweatdropped. "..uh oh.."
"T-minus 15 seconds!" Raul shouted.
Magnus flinched. "Is there anything we can do about them?"
Ultimanium sulked. "I suppose we have to wait... and let the anolomy take its course..."
"T-minus 5 seconds! 4! 3! 2! 1!...."
********
Tai rested on his side. "I tell you, it's a thief sword."
"Yeah, I say swallow."
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
"No, I say swallow." Tai said.
"No it isn't, it's a thief sword." Serge explained.
Tai sat still for a minute. "...swallow?"
Serge blinked. "Thief sword?"
********
Davis looked up. "Hey, Conker."
"Yeah?"
"You know who's really hot?"
"No, who?"
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
"Izzy!"
Conker, feeling some sort of sickness, hopped of his bed, faced down, and socked Davis in the face.
"How about Gatomon? Would you recommend her?"
Conker backed off. "What is going on here...."
********
Karsh and Vegeta sat in their room, facing each other, bitching each other out over the normal things total rivals bitch each other out about.
"Silence already," Vegeta growled. "Your power level compares nothing to mine."
"Who the hell was asking you?! What in hell is a power level, and even if I knew, looking at me wouldn't determine it any! Damn it!"
"You're worse than Kakarot!"
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
Karsh blinked. "Y-you mean it?"
Vegeta opened his eyes. "Sorry, did I offend you?
"No problem," Karsh sighed. "I get it a lot. I forgive you."
********
Rodent stood in the center of the room, facing towards the bunks. Gohan leaned off of the top bunk. "Eh, some militaristic casual dress you have there."
Rodent stood tall. "Reminds me of my career."
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
Gohan looked at Rodent strangely. "...a protestor?"
Rodent looked down at himself, dressed entirely in plaid, with a flower tattoo on his arm. For some inexplicable reason, he had a beard that touched the ground. He let out a shrill scream.
********
Armadillomon hid underneath a pillow, attempting to escape Goku's neferious snoring.
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
The snoring stopped. Armadillomon climbed up the ladder to Goku's bunk... and found he wasn't there.
********
Veemon sat in bed, attempting to sleep. Off in the background, Agumon and Patamon carried on a conversation in private.
"So Vee's really going for Gato, huh," Agumon sighed. "About time someone took some action around here."
Patamon shook his head. "I need help here, Agumon. It's almost like Gato likes that freak... and after that incident with the Change Now... well... images of TK, let's just keep it at that."
Agumon shook his head. "I'm not taking sides. Besides, with all due respect, I wouldn't go out with a..."
Patamon closed his eyes. "No. No. No. I refuse to admit it."
"..batpig?"
Patamon dove at Agumon and wrestled him to the ground. "Damn you! Damn yooooou!!"
"Yeah, just try!" Agumon laughed. "If you're so desperate, why don't you take the next person who comes into this room, huh?!"
FWWWAAAAAASSSSHHHHH
An underwear-clad Goku dropped out from thin air and landed besides Agumon and Patamon, still in a snoring fit. Both sweatdropped.
Agumon laughed uneasily to himself. "Er.."
********
Ultimanium slammed his hands down on the control panel. "Give me a status report!"
Lord Raul's swivel chair threw itself around. "No hull or systems damage, as we predicted. We're still picking up the Chosen, though. You might want to check this out... the floorplans show that everybody is locked in their bunk except for two people..."
"Who?!"
"Squall and Cody."
********
"Squall! Cody!" boomed over the intercom.
Cody looked over his shoulder. "Now we're in for it."
"No, you're not in trouble! I have something very important to ask you! I need you to head down to the engine room where I keep the J3 and recalibrate its dimensional field!"
Squall looked up. "But we don't know how."
"There are some people on the ship not affected. Head to Conker's bunk and get him to give you a hand."
Cody walked over and and tapped a button on the door, making it slide open. Inside, Conker was holding Davis away from him.
"Er.. Davis?" Cody asked. "Could I ask what you're doing?"
Davis turned to Cody with an extremely stupid grin on his face. "What do you think? I love him."
Conker threw another fist into the back of Davis' head, knocking him out. "Poor guy. If we had Kari right now I would feel a little less inclined to sack him, but.."
"We don't have time," Squall stated. "We have to get down to the J3 and recalibrate its dimensional field... or something..."
Conker nodded. "I can do that. ... wait, is this space-dimension-anolomy thing causing all this?"
The loudspeaker continued. "Yes. Now, go back into Davis' bunk and get his D3. Veemon is unaffected as well."
Conker held up the D3. "You mean this pager-thingy?"
"Yes. You'll need all the help you can get... outside of the dimensional defense barrier, some pretty weird things can happen... I gave Veemon a shot before I left that nullified his digivolution restraints, so anyone now can use the D3 to digivolve him. It was genes from another digimon... hmm... what was it... forget it, get down there to the J3 now! We don't have time!... oh.. great.."
********
Another anvil fell to Ultimanium's feet. "...the dimensional barrier around the bridge is failing. There's no telling what could get through here if it fully collapsed."
Magnus stepped to his side, barely dodging the computer desk that crashed into the ground where he once stood. "What's with all the crap falling on us? If it would stay as one thing, I wouldn't mind.. but, geez..."
Raul dove out of the way of a wooden cabinet, which splintered into shards of material upon impact with the bridge floor. "It only gets worse from here, guys. Just dodge what you can!"
********
(A/N - Just try to follow along the best you can.)
Squall, Cody, Conker and Veemon all charged down the neverending hallway. They stopped at a large pit in the floor, grabbed onto conveiniently placed ropes, and swung across the chasm. When they all disembarked from the ropes, they all took off their recently aquired Indiana Jones fedoras and tossed them to the wayside and resumed their mad charge. All of a sudden, the bulkhead corrupted and crumpled, eventually collapsing, and everybody was sucked into space. Well, they normally would've died there and then, but Keyvan, being the nice author he is, let them all take a shortcut running along the hull of the Argetlahm. Still, though no one had to worry about air, it was a long run, and soon the heroes got tired. Several heavily armed jazz singers cornered the Chosen against the obscenely large rudder of the ship. They all held butterknives as they beared down on the group.
Conker tossed Cody the D3. "Use this!!"
As Cody attempted to figure out Davis' stupidly customized D3, Veemon lept into action. "Vee Headbutt!!" He dove at the fat African-American and drove a foot into its gut, sending it flying off into space.
"No!" Conker yelled. "You were supposed to use your head!!"
"I was trying!" Veemon wailed. He spun around and delivered a backhand into the face of another singer, making him explode for no reason other than to make it look like Veemon was actually kicking ass, when in fact he wasn't. A singer leaped off the hull of the ship and brought down a 12-foot long harmonica on Veemon's head, making him stumble off.
Conker whipped up his Magnum and started firing, covering the frustrated Cody. A slug pierced through another jazz singer, making him turn inside out. Conker shot another round into him, imploding him.
"NOW I get it!" Cody shouted. "Davis tried to install Windows CE on this thing but got only halfway through it! Veemon! Are you ready?" Veemon nodded.
Cody punched the key on the D3, showing a somewhat... different... digiegg.
Veemon... armor digivolve to....
GINSUMON!! The pain of curiosity!!
Ginsumon looked exactly like Veemon, except he was holding a 40-foot long butcher knife. As the remaining jazz singers charged at him, he just stood there.
"Ginsumon!" Squall yelled. "Do something!!"
Ginsumon just stood there. When the singers got close to him, they stopped and peered at the obscenely large blade he carried. "Hey, sweet ass knife, man," One said. "Can we see it?"
Ginsumon grinned. "Why, sure." He handed the large knife away to the jazzman. As the singer ran his finger along the blade of the knife, Ginsumon yelled "REGRETFUL CURIOSITY!!", making the jazz artist drop the knife in surprise, chopping off the feet of each singer present.
"Nooooo!!" One screamed. "Ginsumon! Don't think you've won this time!! You'll never get away with this... noooooooooooooo..." The jazz singers slowly began evaporating, and returned to whichever planet they came from, one by the name of Reggaeolis.. but that's another story for another day. Ginsumon dedigivolved back to Veemon and tossed the huge knife into space.
Tai and Agumon poked their heads out of one of the many holes in the ship generated in the fight. "Hey, guys!"
Squall turned. "Tai? Agumon? What are you doing here?"
Tai rolled his eyes. "Well, given how screwed up this chapter is so far, we thought we'd join in and provide our OWN stupidity, just for the hell of it."
Agumon.. warp digivolve to...
WARCASULTYGREYMON!!
Tai looked up at the once mighty Wargreymon, its gleaming armor torn into shreds.
Warcasultygreymon looked down at himself. "YYYAAAAHHHH!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?"
"We're almost there, Agumon," Cody said. "Don't worry about it."
So the entire group dashed along the surface of the Argetlahm, trouncing anything and everything in their path. A Kimeramon, the ugly bitch Ultimecia (who is not related to Ultimanium in any way), the crazed ghost of Frieza, another Kimeramon, Akuma from Street Figher, several indians, the Edmonton Oilers, ANOTHER Kimeramon, the Russian Mafia, Ken (in a berserker rage because he never showed up in this fic), Venus Williams, Keyvan Chandonnet's evil neighbor, YET ANOTHER Kimeramon, a rabid husky, a swarm of bees, a locked door, which everybody walked around, Albert Einstein, the Isreli Armed Forces, three control spires, a crate of dark rings, the Empire State Building, and 5 million dollars were defeated by the group as they fought on.
Conker fired off a round at Rose O'Donnell as she let loose a deep roar and lunged at the group. Conker dove and swept the money away and stuffed some in his pockets. "Are we there yet? I'm running out of ammo!"
Tai tossed Conker a sack of potatoes. "Use these!"
Using superhuman agility only granted in desperate situations like these, Conker, in a millisecond, gnawed away half of a potato to form a needle point on the end. He stuck the point into the gun barrel and shot it at Rosie O'Donnell, making her explode with an accompanying shockwave. Everybody fell down, but bounced off the hard steel coating of the Argetlahm and landed on their feet.
As George Bush dove at the group, Squall leaped into the air and punched him in the face 8,924 times then kicked him in the groin. After a long hard hour of fighting, Squall landed back on his feet as the politician landed flat on his spine.
Cody was managing to beat off various PETA protestors with his Kendo stick, but he was beginning to tire. "Veemon! Again!"
Veemon... digivolve to...
Exveemon!!
Conker looked around. "...Exveemon? Exveemon! Where are you?"
Demiveemon tugged at Cody's pants. "This isn't funny!"
"Hmm... Exveemon...." Cody held out the D3 and turned Demiveemon back into his Rookie form.
(A/N - Ex? Get it? .... screw you.)
Cody fended off several more blows from a lanky old man wearing a tye-dye t-shirt. "We'll try something else! Digi-super-duper-ultra-mega-neat & tidy-multi-nitro-armor hyper-power-energize!!"
Veemon... armor digivolve to...
Magnamon!
Cody dusted his hands. "That worked."
Magnamon threw his arms back harshly. "Magna Explosion!!"
A nova erupted on the surface of the ship, completely obliterating all the enemies around them.
"Don't do it, man!!" The old man gasped. "Don't be a tool to the machine!!" The light engulfed him and left an empty skeleton in its wake.
Tai looked up. "The J3 is right underneath our position. We can blast through the hull down to its position. Wargreymon!"
Warcasultygreymon rose into the sky and began charging a ball of energy above his head. "Force Terra!!" The energy exploded in his hands, incinerating him.
Tai stepped up. "Damn it! Do it again!!"
Warcasultygreymon coughed. "Sorry. Always get those two mixed up. Terra Force!!"
A bright ball of energy impacted against the hull of the Argetlahm, shattering it. Inside lied the engine room. For some reason, nothing was floating out.
"C'mon, guys," Cody beckoned. "Let's finish this."
Ultimanium stood on the stage in the center of the war room. "Thank you all for putting up with the staying in the bunks. Special thanks to the people who refitted the J3."
Conker rubbed his eyes. "Damn it... if anything like this happens again..."
Raul shook his head. "We understand how you all feel. We were spending our time on the bridge dodging falling furniture. Magnus got nailed by a flying hot dog stand so he's down in the sickbay right now. For our apology, we are instating another 2 day holiday."
Everybody cheered. Duo leaped up. "Yeeeah!!"
Gatomon turned in her seat. "Veemon? Game of Starcraft?"
Veemon blinked. Davis nudged him. "Uh... yeah, sure." Veemon stammered.
"Great. Be in the rec room in a minute."
So everything was fine in the Argetlahm again. The effects of the anolomy began to subside - Goku ran about the halls of the Argetlahm in his underwear and eventually found his clothes, which relieved everybody. Davis no longer had a fetish for digimon. Rodent shaved off his beard and went back to his militia ways. Karsh and Vegeta got into a fistfight shortly after the meeting in the war room. Tai and Serge began arguing again over the true term for the battlestaff.
"Damn narrarator!!" Tai screamed. "Who's side are you on, anyways? Thief sword!!"
"Swallow!!" Serge yelled.
... yeah. Anyways, all was fair on the Argetlahm. And this time, peace was going to last....
...but we know how THAT always turns out...