Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ "Where is my mind?" ❯ One-Shot

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've read quite a few fanfics on Yamato Ishida, but I haven't come across one that deals with the relationship between him and his mother. Well, this is the one, so I hope you guys can make sense of it. Technically, Matt's mom moved to Odaiba with Takeru a couple of weeks before Series 02 kicked in (I think), but I'm kind of speeding up that event.

DISCLAIMER TRASH: I don't own Digimon, but if I did, I would go and use it without permission.

"Where Is My Mind?"

(Original song title belonging to The Pixies)

Don't ask me how I did it, because I'm not quite sure myself, but somehow I disappeared. I was just walking home after practising with my band when I suddenly felt a strangeness come over me. It passed a second later, but everything seemed different, as if I wasn't a part of it anymore, like I was simply standing on the outside and gazing in.

I shivered, despite the warm summer air, and hurried back to the apartment that my dad and I had shared since the divorce. He wouldn't be home right now. He'd still be working at the TV station on his reports.

I unlocked the door and flopped onto the sofa, discarding my guitar on the floor wearily. It wasn't even nine o' clock and I was feeling exhausted!

I closed my eyes and ran a hand through my hair; something my dad and I often did out of habit. In many ways, I was like him. We weren't particularly organised, and the apartment was substantial evidence of that. Also, we didn't talk much. Not about the divorce. Not about mom. Not about anything. I only spoke a lot to Takeru and he usually visited us once in a blue moon, but I wouldn't blame him though, seeing the present state of the kitchen!

I laughed and remembered how things used to be when we lived with mom. She was always keeping us in line and I think that it was the only time that I actually cleaned my room when she was around...

She lives in Odaiba now, anyway. I could visit her if I wanted to, but between mom and I, things were awkward. She tries her best to make me still feel like her son, and she even hugged me after the Real World was saved from Apocalymon. I let her, of course, she was my mom; but I couldn't suppress this underlying negativity that had plagued me so strongly back in the Digital World. Sure I put it aside for the team, but that was all I did.

I just put it aside.

And now it was still here. I felt incomplete. I felt as if a part of me had been left behind in that mysterious cave, drowning in that suffocating black mist...

Then that strangeness came over me again. I had to stand up. I had to get out of the apartment. I had to walk someplace and never stop walking.

I had to make sure that I was still alive.

I reached into the right pocket of my pants and pulled out the most familiar possession of my childhood.

My harmonica.

I looked at my hands and saw the brown gloves, my bare arms and the dark green shirt... I was wearing what I had worn in the Digital World! I touched my face tentatively, slowly running a hand through the wild, spiky hair that had made me stand out from the rest of the other kids...

I was three years younger!

Frightened by this discovery, I glanced at my surroundings and found that I was in a different apartment. I was surprised to see my parents - both of them - seated next to each other on the couch, staring silently at the news flickering on the television screen.

I couldn't understand why the heck I was here, three years younger and seeing my parents the closest they've ever been in three times that much. Could it be a dream? It just didn't make any sense...

"It's our fault," mom said, her voice sounding as if she'd been shouting all day.

Dad placed a hand on her shoulder. "Don't cry, Nancy," he said. "He'll come home when he's ready, I'm sure of it."

"But what if he doesn't?" she wept. "I knew all along that he was still upset about the divorce and how things ended up!"

"Everything will be alright..."

I frowned. What were they talking about? Who had run away? Was it T.K.? But he couldn't have! He just wouldn't do that! He wouldn't run away no matter how upset he was! He would be worrying too many people and that stopped him...

But I haven't run away either, I thought to myself. I was here... Right next to them! How could they not see me?

I stepped forward to tell them where I was, but the image of my parents materialised and transformed. I was no longer in an apartment with them, but with two of my most trusted friends, Tai and Izzy.

I noticed immediately that they weren't three years younger and was very troubled by this. They were lounging in Tai's room drinking what looked like one of Mrs Kamiya's experimental shakes. They were too depressed to reject them and were sat there in the same silence as my parents.

After a while, Tai spoke. "I just don't get it, Izzy."

"You just don't get what, Tai?"

"I just don't get why he's suddenly disappeared. I mean, I thought that things were going great for him, what with his mom moving to Odaiba and everything..."

"Maybe he needed some more space," Izzy suggested, finishing his shake.

"But he's had three years!" Tai exclaimed, humourlessly. "Where do you suppose he went?"

"I don't know, Tai! Don't take it out on me!"

Tai sighed and handed his friend his untouched shake. "I'm sorry, Izzy. It's just that I'm worried about him. The last time he did a disappearing act was back in the Digital World, but at least then we knew where he was! But here, he could be anywhere..."

"That's true," agreed Izzy.

"He really worries me, you know?" Tai continued. "Each time I thought I had him figured out, he simply turns around and says, 'Nope, guess again!' So something like this is just like another one of those, and I'm all out of guesses..."

Tears had gradually filled my eyes as Tai revealed who had truly run away. He had revealed that it was me. I was the one who had run away. I was the one who was worrying everybody. I clutched my harmonica and looked down at it. I hadn't played it since defeating Apocalymon. I had no use for such a depression instrument. I thought that I didn't need it anymore...

Hesitantly, I raised it to my lips and blew on it softly. The metallic notes were in discord, clashing without my sense of direction, clashing without my personal guidance. When I stopped, I found myself on a beach. It was the very beach that where we had set up camp the night Gabumon digivolved into Garurumon. Then I heard a faint calling.

I stood quickly, searching the dim foliage and dark, lapping water of the lake. The calling was growing louder and I could pick out only one word: Matt. My name. Gabumon... He was calling it!

"Gabumon!" I shouted, but he continued calling me. "Gabumon! I'm here! It's Matt! I'm here!"

"Matt!" Gabumon called, appearing on the beach from the darkness beyond. I almost rushed up to him if it weren't for the fact that he was still calling me. "Matt!" Gabumon called one more time, his voice cracking into a harsh cough. He had obviously been calling my name for quite a while. He looked so worried and so distressed, and what really got to me was how much he had been crying. Tears were streaming constantly down his furry cheeks and soaking his huge paws as he wiped at them. He attempted to call my name again, but he coughed violently and sat on the beach wearily. He couldn't see me. Just like mom and dad. They couldn't see me either. I walked up to him and knelt beside him and I wept.

I wept so hard and I didn't care. I hated to cry, but to see Gabumon, my wise and faithful Digimon, hurting so badly was too much. He was hurting because of me and he was searching for me even though I was kneeling right next to him. I touched his shoulder and my fingers went straight through him. I was invisible. Like some ghost. I couldn't contact anybody. I couldn't speak to them or touch them. Perhaps I was dead. When I ran away. I must have died. That could only be the most possible explanation for all of this...

"Gabumon, I am so sorry," I sobbed, failing to fight the new onset of tears. "When human beings die, they aren't reborn like Digimon... They don't have a Primary Village to go to... I am so sorry, old friend..."

"What is wrong, Matt?" Gabumon said sadly to himself. "I'm always here for you. You can talk to me and you know I won't tell a soul. Not anyone. I promised."

I banged my fist into the sand. "I know!" I cried. "Gabumon, I know! But I broke that promise! I promised you that I'd tell you how I was feeling, even if it was really bad! But I'm such a failure! I can't remain true to any promise! Not even one that I made with my very best friend!"

"I wish you were here, Matt..."

"But I am here," I said, hoarsely, glancing up at Gabumon suddenly. "Gabumon! I'm right here! Why can't you see that?" Then Gabumon was surprised, his left paw reaching across the sand towards me. I honestly thought that he was going to take my hand and hold it, but instead, he grasped my harmonica.

"Matt's harmonica," Gabumon acknowledged, gently. He gazed on it lovingly for a moment, rising to his feet and checking the beach with freah hope. "Matt!" he yelled. "Matt! Can you hear me? Matt!"

"No, Gabumon!" I said, panic entering my voice as I watched him walk away from me and back along the beach. I tried to grab his arm, but I missed and he walked on. "Gabumon! Come back! I'm right here! I'm right here!" I cried, filled with intense grief and pain. I couldn't follow him. I couldn't stop him from leaving me behind. What kind of partner was I?

"Gabumon, please don't leave me," I whispered before breaking down completely. Was I cursed to remain transparent to the ones I cared about? Would I be non-existent forever and lead my parents, friends and Gabumon to believe that I had died? It couldn't be... There was no way that this was happening to me... I couldn't figure it out... Why... I didn't understand...

*Everyone needs their space...*

I stopped. "What?"

*I won't let him break up this team!*

"Tai?" I said in confusion and fear. I was hearing his voice...

*Is it me or has anyone else noticed that Matt has been acting a little weird lately?*

*I'm fine! I've told you before, I can look after myself!*

*Look after each other!*

*In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been much of a friend*

*Perhaps he was kidnapped*

*No, it was nothing like that*

I was hearing the voices of my friends. They were speaking the same exact words they had three years ago. And so was I.

*In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been much of a friend*

I was living in the past. That's why I so young and incapable of contacting anybody. I was trapped in my younger self, and became a 'missing' item in the present because my mind was somewhere else before it. I felt dizzy with the abrupt knowledge. I couldn't believe it. I thought that I had died in some way...

And I had dubbed myself a failure. Back then, I felt certain that I was. I was a failure as a friend, team member and older brother. I began treating everybody with disrespect and even turned against Tai, the very person I relied on for a purpose in the team. Then there was my ultimate reliance on Takeru... I had relied on him for a purpose as a person. As an older brother - even when he didn't need me anymore. I still relied on him now to keep the connection between mom and I alive. To remind her that she and I were mother and son. I feared her forgetting. She was so busy with her work that there was little evidence of her remembering...

But what about me?

I remembered that I was her older son... Yet I was too bothered remembering this that I overlooked the most important detail in our connection as relatives: that she was my mother and that I was not just her older son...

"Matt, I thought that you'd be happy," said Takeru, his voice tinted with disappointment. "I know deep down that you've always wanted us to live closer to you so that we could see each other, but now that's happening you act as if it was never on your mind! Don't you know what this means? We can see each other practically all the time! Once I get into high school, that is..."

"That's just not the point to all of this, Takeru!" I snapped, startling my younger brother and regretting it as I added, "It's nice and everything, but there's something else..."

Takeru frowned. "What? What is it that I don't understand, Matt?"

I looked away. "Oh, nothing. It doesn't matter."

"No Matt, tell me," Takeru persisted. "Is it about mom? It is, isn't it?"

"No, it isn't."

"Don't lie to me Matt! You think it was all my idea to move to Odaiba in the first place, and that mom was just going along with it just to make me happy?"

"No..."

Takeru shook his head. "Well you've got it all wrong. Mom and I decided to move to Odaiba together. We decided to move so that we could see you and dad."

I swallowed hard. "Oh."

"Really we did," said Takeru, hugging me without warning.

I hugged him back and tried to smile. I wasn't convinced. It felt like they were just moving to Odaiba more out of convenience than anything else; but Takeru sounded so sincere, I just couldn't disbelieve him, could I?

"Thanks, Takeru."

"No problem, big bro," he smiled. "Mom and I both love you - don't forget that."

"No, I won't..."

I blinked.

Where was I now?

I was standing in front of someone's apartment door.

I squinted at the number in the darkness and read it as '125'. I knew nobody who lived here. My head throbbed, I was strangely tired and my eyes were having trouble focusing. I touched my cheek and my fingers came away wet. I was still crying.

*Get a hold of yourself, Matt!*

I blinked again. Then smiled. Tai. He was so strong. I knocked on the door softly more or less out of automatic impulse and only had wait a couple of seconds before it was answered.

"M-Matt...?"

I stared at the younger boy with slow recognition. It was my brother Takeru. The apartment number was his. That meant that...

"Matt!" he spoke, hugging me tightly with tears in his eyes. "Where did you go to? We were all so worried and..."

I simply stood there, a little dumbfounded. I must have been daydreaming or something... I didn't even know my own brother's apartment number! Let alone my...

I met Takeru's brimming gaze. "What?"

"Have you been crying, Matt?" he asked.

I smiled minutely and was about to respond when a female voice interrupted me.

"TK? Who's at the door?"

"Mom! Dad! It's Matt!"

"Matt!"

I heard somebody stumbling to the door and saw my parents behind Takeru in the shadowy hallway, dad standing beside mom, whose face was streaked with new tears.

I looked at her silently, and then I said, "I'm sorry." She immediately embraced me and wept.

"I'm so glad that you're home, son," she choked amongst her sobs. "I'm so glad that you're home..."

AUTHOR'S FINAL NOTE: Well you guys, what do you make of it? Does it make any sense? ^_^; I'm up for opinions, so mail me: lost_valkyrie@hotmail.com! If you want, that is...