Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Angel Notes ❯ Angel Notes ( One-Shot )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Summary: One Digidestined writes a letter to another - revealing hidden secrets nobody knew. Too bad this person will never receive it...Tear-jerker.
Rating: PG
Genre: Drama/Angst
E-Mail: kaeera@yahoo.de
Notes: Yep, I wrote another Digimon story. It's an one-shot, and it's kind of sad...I won't tell you why, just let me say one thing: character death.

---

Gosh, I can't believe I am doing this. Sitting here
and writing this letter to you as if...as if...no, I
don't want to go there. Somebody once told me that it
helps to talk about things instead of bottling them
inside. That's what I am doing right now, talking.
Talking via written words because I find it hard to
Talk about what I'm feeling out loud.
I've never been very fond of writing letters, you
know. I mean, there was never a need to write letters! If I
wanted to talk to you, I could, and there was always someone
nearby as well. I've exchanged some e-mails with Mimi, but most
of the time, we've talked over the phone.
I cannot do that anymore. At least not with you.

In the past, there was never any reason for me to sit down
in my stuffy room while the sun was shining
to write a letter. I would just call you
and everybody else when I needed to talk to any of you!
But now, I have to since it's the only way I can
tell you this.
Sounds like a mushy love letter, doesn't it? But it's not.
No, I won't confess my love for you -
you are my friend, one of the best friends I've
ever had, but I couldn't love you.
Maybe I would have been able to if...if you had decided to
stay, but not now. I don't want
to love you, it hurts too much, can you
understand that? It would destroy me.

Duh, I'm getting off the subject here. I wanted to write this letter
because I...don't know, I just need
to tell you all the things I was never able to tell you in person.
You left us far too soon, you left
us before any of us could tell you how
important you were to us all.
You had the ability to make us laugh, even when the
situation was desperate. Do you know how
much I envied you for that gift? No, you probably never knew.
You went through life believing that
we're all perfect while you were just a small, dumb
clown. Let me tell you one thing, you never were.
In fact, you were my precious friend, although you
never realized it. You were there for us when
we needed you, you never let us down. In all the years
I knew you, you always
managed to bring a smile to my face.

How?

By just being you, of course. Yeah, it sounds weird, I know. But
you were always so carefree and cheerful and full
of energy...so very unlike me.
I've often been told that I think too
much. And it's true, I think too much about the world
and the terrible things that are happening and I worry
about the future. Then I get depressed
because I don't want anything bad happen to my
friends. And you, you lived your life without ever thinking
about tomorrow or what would happen to us after graduation,
you just never seemed to care!

While the rest of us always thought of the future, you were a constant
reminder that we live in the present. More than once
you cheered me up simply by telling me silly
stories or doing crazy things. Spur-of-the-moment
actions were your trade mark.

I miss that, you know? I miss you being around to cheer me
up. The days are getting dark and grey without
you around to brighten them up.

The weird thing was that you never seemed to know what
a special person you were. I mean, of course, you
always gloated and bragged about how good you
were and how you could beat everyone, but I could always
see the scared boy beneath the facade. You actually told me
once that you felt as if you could never reach us.
When I asked you why, you just shrugged, mumbling
something about 'better marks' and 'more intelligent'.

Oh, how very wrong you were. It may be true that you
had your problems at school - I like you far too much
to ever lie to you, even when you can't hear me anymore -
but that never meant we looked down on
you just because your grades weren't as good as ours.
I'll admit, sometimes we made fun of it, but...well, times
like that just came over me without warning and I'm
quite ashamed of my behaviour now.
Luckily, the teasing dwindled down over the years, because I
always knew that it made you uncomfortable.

You weren't as good in school as the rest
of us, but it never meant you were less of a
person.

Look at Ken - he's a genius and he was your best friend.
Not because you were as smart as him, but because you
had different qualities. A kind heart, a cheerful attitude,
never ending hope, forgiveness, compassion,
determination, and strength. But most of all, you were a
wonderful friend.

I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as
I write this. It's horrible to have to use the past tense all
the
time. It reminds me so much of the fact that you
aren't here any longer. That you left us and we'll
never be able to laugh with you again. See, my face is
wet with tears but I just can't stop crying.

Oh, why did you have to die?

It's a stupid question. I know very well how and why
you died,
after all, I witnessed your death. And believe me,
it's not something I think of often.
Fact is that since your death everything has changed.
We aren't the same anymore. Ken barely leaves his
room, he's always hiding and piling himself with work.
Iori has become more solemn than ever.
Miyako...well, she has lost a lot of her spirit.
I believe she feels guilty - you two always used to
fight quite a bit, and I know she feels bad about it
now. She isn't as energetic as she used
to be, and it makes me sad to see her like that.

Takeru has lost his smile. A scary thought, huh? He's
such a gentle boy, and now he's always scowling.
He doesn't want to admit it, but he misses you deeply.
After all, you two were best friends even though you
argued constantly.

And me? Pathetic, little Hikari?

I spend most of my time crying. A lot.

Yeah, I know. You wouldn't want me to cry. You always
hated it when I'd cry! But I can't change it. It hurts
too much, and everything seems to remind me of you...

Why did you do it? Why did you protect us? Why did you
jump in front of us?

I didn't want to act you like a hero. I'd rather have
died myself than face a world without you.

But maybe you had the same thoughts. Maybe that's why
you protected us with your life. And now, now you are
a hero, and you don't even know it.

Because you're dead.

You saved us and you saved both worlds by sacrificing
your own life. You achieved the thing you always
wanted most - becoming a superhero! Everybody
knows who you are these days and they speak your
name with awe. There are pictures of you in all the papers
and quite a few politicians have even devoted their
speeches to you. In our school, there's a big banner
with your name on it.

Hell, they even made you a statue! After all, you are
the sole reason that our two worlds still exist!

But why does that matter any more? You are dead and can't
even enjoy your newfound hero status. You can't enjoy being a
celebrity. You can't show off to Takeru. You can't
even fight with him anymore, and though I'd never have
expected this - I miss your bickering!

I guess there's never been a more horrible moment in
my life before. I remember it so clearly, the fight,
the attack aimed at me and Miyako, and I closed
my eyes, fully expecting things to end - but the
end never came. When I finally opened my eyes again, I
saw your body tumble to the ground - and
Veemon, slowly dissolving into bits of Digital Data. The
cheerful blue guy just disappeared from our lives, just
like you!

You died right before my eyes, at the age of eighteen.
Bloody eighteen years! Yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to
swear, but I can't help it.
Just a few more weeks and we would have graduated and
gone to the university. How ironic.
You never received your final results. You
never learned that you had the best sports mark in our class,
nor did you learn that your results were
better than anyone expected, especially in English...
You will never know, and I guess that's what gets me
so down. The finality behind those words. Never again.

Never.

Maybe you can see me, wherever you are now. Maybe you
are shaking your head because I'm sitting in my room,
crying over this letter. Who knows, maybe you are an
angel - you'd certainly qualify for it. I can just
imagine you with white wings, and that mischievous smile on
your face, telling me that everything is okay...
But it isn't.

I wanted to tell you how much I miss you. How much
everybody misses you. The danger has passed and life
has returned to normal, but it's a normal that doesn't
include you anymore, and I don't *want* that!

But those were not the only things I wanted to tell
you. I thought we had all the time of the world,
so I didn't hurry to solve some of the misunderstandings
between us - partly because I forgot about them, partly
because I was afraid.

Misunderstanding Number One: I never hated you.

Despite what others said, despite how mean I behaved towards
you at times, I never, ever hated you. I thought that you
were annoying, yes, that I must admit is true, and
there were times when I just wanted to be left alone
with you. But hatred? No. I always saw you as a friend,
from the first day we met. A weird, eccentric friend
maybe, but a friend nonetheless. And over the years
you matured, although you somehow managed to keep
your youthful spirit.

Misunderstanding Number Two: I never looked down on
you.

Although you could get on my nerves with your sometimes
Stupid questions, or your failed exams, or your
miserable homework, I never thought lesser of you.
You had different qualities. We're all different for a reason.
While Ken is a genius when it comes to knowledge, he's hopelessly
lost when it comes to friendship. And you, you never
got the hang of studying, but you were one of the best
friends anyone could have ever had. So, you and Ken
complemented each other perfectly.
Sometimes I even looked up to you! Yes, there were
times when I admired you!

...I'm starting to sound pathetic, aren't I? Sorry. That's
not good. You'd laugh at me. Especially because we
both would know that what I wrote above is not the truth.
No. That's the truth how I would have wanted it, now
that you are gone, but unfortunately, I'm not as nice
as everyone believes.

Okay, I will start again, and this time I will be
honest. No more
Little-Angel-Kari-doesn't-hate-anyone-speeches.
Honestly.

< br> Believe me, there were times when I hated you. With
all my soul and passion. There were times
when I was so jealous of your cheerful attitude
that I wanted to storm out of the room and never come
back. There were times when I wanted to slap you
because you said something so incredibly stupid that
it turned my stomach. There were times when I felt
superior to you because you failed yet another easy
exam, while I got a high score. And there
were times when I felt inferior to you because
depression and sadness couldn't stop you from
continuing to live life to the fullest.

That's the harsh truth. Surprised? I'm only human,
you know. I'm not perfect, despite what everyone seems to
think.

There were also times when I enjoyed being with you
because you made me laugh. There were times when
I admired you for your strength. There were times
when I wanted you beside me just because I felt
so secure whenever you were around. There were times
I wanted to hug you for being so incredibly
cute and charming.

It's strange, isn't it? But I guess that's how it is.
It is impossible to remain perfect all the time.

I don't hate you now. It's often like that with
things you take for granted. You only realize
how precious they are once you've lost them. That's the
way of life, I suppose. I know what a wonderful
friend you were. And I know that I will - we all will -
miss you terribly. I already am.

You have a gravestone now, do you know that? I wonder
what you would say if you knew about it. It's
nothing big, just a small stone with a silver plate on
it. I visit it quite often. Once, I met
your sister there. She was crying. I believe it was
the first time I ever saw her do that. She was crying
because you are gone. And for the first time in my
life, I was able to hold a civil conversation
with Jun. You know, I always thought she was kind of
shallow, but now I realize that there is more to
her than she lets show - just like you.
And she misses you so deeply that it hurts.

The fact that you are dead still doesn't register yet.
Up until now, we'd always managed to get out of all possible
dangerous situations without so much as a minor
injury. We fought and we won, and I guess we got used to it.
Well, we won again, but the price we had to pay
for the victory was far too high. How naive were we, thinking
that it would be easy! How foolishly we acted!

When the situation grew dire, our digimon were
losing and we could do nothing to help them -
you gave your life.
I wonder what you were thinking in those last few minutes.
Were you sad? Did you regret it? Or was your death so
quick that you didn't even notice your heart stop beating?

Sometimes I wonder if I could have been brave
enough to do the same. Would I have given my life
to rescue my friends, just as you did in the blink
of an eye? You didn't even hesitate, and that's what
fascinates me the most.
You acted on instinct. Protecting Us. Protecting Me.
I...would hesitate. I know that I would. I would
ponder the consequences, and I would have been afraid. Of the
pain. Of being dead. Of losing everything that was
important to me.

My hand is trembling. Funny, huh? I haven't stopped
crying since I started writing this letter. Yes, I
know, I shouldn't cry. I should go on with my life and
laugh and be happy - you'd want me to do that.

I promise I will make an effort. But right now...right
now things need to be said. For once, I'm
letting my emotions run their course. I need it. And
you deserve it, whether you believe it or not.

Your funeral was horrible. Everybody was there. All
the digidestined, even those from Mexico, and Mimi
came from New York. Your soccer team was there,
dressed in uniform to honour you. Some
school mates, some teachers, and of course, your family
were there too. The graveyard was pretty crowded, and
everybody was so solemn.

Miyako was sobbing desperately, while Iori looked so
grave. It must be difficult for him - he's
already lost his dad and now he's lost another important
person.

Takeru was crying, too, babbling nonsense about how he
didn't want to fight with you all the time and that
he's sorry.

Ken was the worst, though. He didn't cry. He just stared.
Stared at your coffin. Stared at it with a blank look
in his eyes, Wormmon in his arms. For him, losing you
must be terrible. He lost Osamu and was surrounded by darkness.
Then someone pulled him out of it and forgave him -
that someone was you. You showed him how to live again, and you
became his friend, the person he trusted the most on
this whole damn planet.

And now you're gone, leaving him to suffer.
We have to pay close attention to Ken so he won't
withdraw. He needs to know that he still has
friends left. Even though we can't replace you.

I promise you that I will take care of him. I know how
important your friendship was to you. He's a kind guy.
He deserves better than that.

And me? Well...I didn't cry at your funeral, either.
I just couldn't. I pretended to listen to all the people
Giving their eulogies, but I was actually remembering all
our times together. The fights in the
Digital World. Eating ice-cream together. Meeting at
the park with all the others.
Soccer games, of course. School. The amusement park. So
many memories...

I got lost in them at your funeral. They
were far more pleasant than the reality at that
point in time. However, I was forced down to planet
earth when the final farewell came. The moment
when we would see your still and lifeless body inside
the coffin. Only if we wanted to, of course, but nobody refused.
We all saw you, said a final goodbye, even Mimi, who's
normally afraid of such things.

I went up to your coffin expecting the worst, but the
sight that greeted me was strangely...peaceful.
There even was a small smile on your lips, as if you
were laughing at us for being so sad and depressed.

You just looked so like...you, that I nearly choked
with tears. The same, unruly dark-red hair,
the tanned skin, just a tad paler than usual, your
favourite blue T-Shirt with flames on it, and of
course, the goggles...

For a short, wonderful second I almost believed that
It wasn't real. I almost believed you were alive and
would jump up any minute, laughing and shouting what a
great joke it had been.

But you didn't. You remained still, and that was what
finally convinced me that you were indeed dead.
Because
you never could sit still. It just wasn't in your
nature. You were always full of energy, always fiddling
with something, running around or babbling silly stories...

Alive.

That's when it hit me. When all my walls crumbled and I
started sobbing and fell to my knees.

I would never see you again. Never laugh with you.
Never see your smile. I couldn't bear it. I
just...couldn't bear it and I hid my face in my hands
and cried as if the world had come to an end.

The others fared no better. I've never seen so many
people crying before in my life. I wonder what you
would have to say about that if you knew. Probably make
some rude comment and then laugh, telling us that crying
doesn't solve your problems...

We all put something in your coffin. Sort of like
a present for you, a plea to not to forget us wherever
you might be.

Miyako placed with trembling fingers, a
small box with sweets beside your body - your
favourite kind, you ate them all the time.

Iori had treasured your Digivice after the fight and
was now placing it on your chest, as a last
token of your role as the Digidestined of
Friendship and Courage. It was battered and dirty,
a sign of the final battle. And when he placed it there, I
had the impression that that was the only
place it ever belonged.

Takeru...he held a small book, you know, one of those
you can use to scribble notes on, and he
silently placed it besides the sweets. I don't know
what exactly, but I believe he did write
something inside it. No one will ever know.

And me? I gave you my whistle. It may seem weird to
the others, but I know exactly why I chose it - and I
know that you would have approved.

When I first encountered Digimon, I had that whistle.
Tai gave it to me, so that I could call him
whenever danger was near. That whistle was very
precious to me; a link to my brother, a measure
of safety, and finally, a cherished memory of my first
trip to the Digital World. It has been with me throughout
all my adventures. Over the last few years, I've
kept it in my desk, looking at it occasionally
with a smile as I remembered the past.

Now the whistle is with you. I hope that - wherever
you are - it will help you when you are in danger,
and that it will remind you of us, your loyal friends
who miss you terribly.

Are you watching me right now? I've never believed in
Angels, but now I want to. If you are an Angel,
then I hope you're reading this. Maybe you're hovering
over my should right now...if you are, then I'm glad.
Because that way, you will know how I feel. And
that alone is enough to make my heart a little bit
lighter.
I owe my life to you, and that is something I will
never forget.

I miss you. I miss your radiant smile that brightened
my days. I miss your laughter, your jokes, your silly
stories and your crazy ideas. I miss your
stubborn attitude, your obsession with soccer,
your gloating, your bad manners, your mischievous
grin...

I miss you so much that I can't put it into words. So I
can do nothing else but thank you.
Thank you for being there for me when I needed you.

Thank you for saving mine and Miyako's life.

Thank you for cheering me up when I was depressed.

Thank you for your goofy smiles and uncouth comments,

like screaming 'Marmelade tastes better than Nutella'

in the middle of Math class.

Thank you for the silly pink rose you gave to me on
Valentine's Day. I never told you, but I kept it in my
room. It made me smile whenever I looked at it.

And finally, thank you for being my friend. I can't
thank you enough for that, because you've been a
wonderful friend. One of the best.

I miss you.

Hikari.

---

A/N: I know that my interpretation of the characters might be a little...unusal. However, I simply cannot believe that Daisuke has been the happy-go-lucky guy for all his life. Such a thing doesn't exist. Everybody feels depressed now and then, and the other Digidestined were kind of mean to him at times. In my little universe, Daisuke has always been hiding his real self, because he was too afraid to get hurt. It might be OOC, it might be illogical, but this impression is stuck firmly in my head and that's my Daisuke I like to write stories about.

Another thing: I know nothing about Japanese funerals. Or at least not enough to write safely about it. That's why I'm using western funeral traditions. I hope you can understand my reasoning when I mentioned Daisuke's funeral.

I'm thinking about writing a sequel to this story. My beta Netty pleaded me to bring Daisuke back to life, because she thought that his death was so sad, but I'm kind of against it. If a person is dead, well, then there's no miraculous waking up. It's just like reality. Dead people stay dead, and their friends continue to grieve. What are your ideas?

Kaeera