Chasing God

By: Vain 3.22.2002 ~ 4.20.2002

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

This story is for Nemesi-san's KaiSuke / KenSuke contest and is a replacement fic for "Metanoia."

I do not own Daisuke, Ken, Stingmon, Flamedramon, or Digimon. The Walt Disney Corporation-the Dark God of Animation-now holds claim to them. Moreover, I am not making a profit on this.

The poem, Eros Turannos (Tyrannical Love), was written by the great Edwin Arlington Robinson. In reference to the poem, Daisuke would be the "she" while Ken is the "he."

The plot, per usual, is wholly mine.

This story is a DaiKaiser (no, that isn't a typo *steals the term "DaiSer" from Jekka*) and contains naughty language, violence, SHOUNEN-AI, SEX, and a tiny bit of extremely mild BD. There're also some light Sting/Flame overtones. This is a love story, peeps-nothing more and nothing less. Get over it or leave now.

While I like this fic a great deal (*smirks* It's my first Kaiser ficcie. ^___^V), this is a one-shot. THERE WILL NOT BE A SEQUEL TO THIS.

Flamers are morons, but if you really think that it's validating for your self-concept, then flame away, jackasses. Let it never be said that I don't have my humanitarian moments.

As for the real readers, I'm terribly sorry if I disappointed you in discontinuing "Metanoia" (*hides from the Raptor and Meimi* thank those two for making me feel bad enough to crank this out ridiculously fast ^^;;), but this should more than make up for it. ^_^

Special thanks go to the transcendently impressive Jekka-chan for being kind enough to beta for me. *turns into puppy-Tsuzuki-like-Vain and glomps Jekka* Sankyuuu!!!!

~ Please review and enjoy the fic. ~

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

- = = = = O = = = = -

"We tell you, tapping on our brow,

The story as it should be,-

As if the story of a house

Were told, or ever could be;

We'll have no kindly veil between

Her visions and those we have seen,-

As if we guessed what hers had been

Or what they are or would be."

= = = = = = = = =

Movement Five

~ The Stairway to the Sea ~

- = = = = O = = = = -

It was surprisingly easy for them to find the base and none of the ringed digimon they passed attempted to stop them. Flamedramon growled under his breath. "I don't like this."

Daisuke shrugged. "He said that they wouldn't attack us when we were alone."

"I was talking about the base," the digimon grumbled. "Why would he just leave it for us to find? It showed up on your D-3 and it's never done that before. I don't get it."

The boy shrugged again. "Maybe he's expecting us? Or-"

A sudden buzzing made both of them stop in their tracks as a black shadow fell over them. They both looked up and Flamedramon growled softly in warning.

Stingmon settled on the ground. "It's my fault. He doesn't know."

"Why?" Flamedramon demanded, unable to keep the betrayal he felt from leaking into his voice.

"Because I think that Ken needs to talk to Daisuke." The Champion stared directly at Flamedramon. "And I needed to talk to you."

Flamedramon narrowed his eyes, but Daisuke stepped forward before he could speak. "Can you take me to him?"

Stingmon nodded and lifted off the ground.

"What would you have done if we had brought the others?" Flamedramon demanded suddenly. "I'm sure your Kaiser would have had a fit."

Stingmon didn't turn around. "It was a necessary risk."

They didn't talk the rest of the way to the base. Although the walk was only fifteen minutes it seemed like an eternity for Daisuke. It was necessary? Stingmon didn't blow things out of proportion much, so if he said it was necessary, then it was necessary. Did that mean that Ken was upset? Or maybe he was sick? Daisuke's heart clenched at the thought. He was sick! That was the only explanation! He was sick and Stingmon didn't know what to do and he was dying in there and he needed Daisuke and-Maybe he was being an idiot and jumping to conclusions.

Stingmon's gravelly voice pulled him out of his daydream and he blinked at a huge black hill that seemed to have sprung out of the earth in front of him. "Here." There was a large door in the hill and two bakemon were floating about aimlessly in front of the place.

"What is this?" Flamedramon demanded tersely.

Stingmon settled on the ground and walked calmly past the bakemon and tapped on something near the door. "Home," he rumbled coolly.

The door slid open and Daisuke was reminded of an enormous mouth. Stingmon ducked inside without hesitation and after sharing a glance with his partner, Daisuke followed. Ken was here. He was sure of it.

He blinked rapidly as the door slid shut and they were plunged into a dim lighting that seemed to be barely two steps removed from darkness after the brightness of the dusty sunlight outside.

"Where's Ken?" he asked a dark shadow he assumed to be Stingmon.

The shadow began to move ahead of them. "The control room. He hasn't left since yesterday."

Flamedramon snorted and muttered something rude under his breath. He didn't like this place. The shadows moved too quickly and came too close to them for his liking.

"It's right around the bend up here," Stingmon said as they rounded a corner.

Daisuke nodded despite the fact that Stingmon's back was to him. "Is he okay?"

"He's in pain," the Champion replied simply. "And I can't help him."

The three of them stopped in front of a pair of unremarkable steel doors and Stingmon touched something that Daisuke could quite see. The doors slid open smoothly.

Daisuke peered in quickly before turning back to Stingmon. The virus looked down at him and he seemed to be a bit sad. "Go on. He needs you."

"But-"

"Flamedramon and I will be right out here the entire time your in there. Don't worry." Long, heavily protected fingers gently grabbed his shoulder and ushered him into the room. After casting Flamedramon a pleading glance, the boy sighed and entered the room without a word. The door closed behind him and the last thing he could see was the reddish glow of Flamedramon's eyes.

The control room was brighter than the hallways were, but not by much. The main source of illumination seemed to come from an unseen light source that shone directly down on the throne and dais that occupied the center of the large room. Dozens of monitors seemed to be suspended in the room, many of their screens displaying only static while others were broken, their screens shattered in a fit of rage. There was glass on the floor.

The brunet walked over to the dais and throne warily. He could see a single slender arm tossed carelessly over the side and a bit of blue hair from where someone was slumped in the throne in a position that could not have possibly been comfortable.

There was a soft, light noise that it took Daisuke a moment to recognize as breathing. Carefully, the boy walked toward the center of the room where the chair was. He winced internally when he got closer to the busted monitor screens and frowned. What had Ken done?

He knelt next to the arm of the Kaiser's throne and studied the strange boy who had somehow become such a fixed image in his life. Jagged looking lines of bitterness and stress marred the pale despot's face in a way Daisuke had never noticed before and his breathing was light and shallow. His hair had once again fallen out of its carefully chaotic spikes and framed his face in gentle waves, making him look younger and more innocent than he really was. Daisuke felt like a criminal looking at Ken like this; he knew this was something that few people saw.

But I've seen it, some tiny part of his mind sang. I've seen it and no one else has!

Daisuke had seen a depth in Ken that none of the Digidestined suspect and he himself would not have believed possible two months ago. It was something that he treasured, one of the tiny thoughtless things that Ken did that told Daisuke he was loved and special.

Ken's love was not in-your-face, nor was it gentle and passive. It was an experience that pulled you into completely. You just couldn't love Ken without loving him entirely-the good and the evil alike. He expected without demanding and rarely gave in return. Ken's love was selfish, hungry love that could only be fed by someone equally selfless who could give and understand that what was not given was just as precious as what was. A smile was a kiss. A kiss was love. And love itself was like the instant before dying when everything is clearer and more real and more touchable than ever before.

Daisuke didn't understand Ken's love, but he knew that he needed it. And somehow Ken needed him. That probably scared Ken, but Daisuke was more than willing to be brave enough for them both. Motomiya Daisuke didn't understand things in the way that most people did; he saw them with a child's innocence and selflessness-two things that were lost in Ken's world a long, long time ago.

A pair of blue eyes opened behind purple lenses and a shiver went through the boy kneeling on the floor.

"Ken . . .?"

The Kaiser's thin peach colored lips parted and he stared at Daisuke. "Wh . . ."

With a shake of his head, Daisuke leaned against the Emperor's knee. He understood this. He understood this all terribly well, but he couldn't find the words for any of it. "It's . . . okay . . ."

Because it really was okay. Or it would be some day at least.

Ken stood up abruptly, showing more animation than he had in nearly twenty-four hours almost knocking Daisuke off the dais. His movements were stiff and unnatural, their usual grace absent. "Get out," he hissed as he strode over to a broken monitor. Glass crunched under his boots.

"I'm not going to leave you here like this, Ken."

A snarl tore free from the Kaiser's dainty lips and the pale boy whirled around, his gloved fists clenched and his back stiff. The force of his gaze bordered on a personal attack and Daisuke stood up. Something inside him rebelled at the idea of kneeling when Ken was so angry.

"Are you stupid? You know what I'm capable of. I could kill you in a breath. Get out, Motomiya!"

Daisuke shifted slightly, but held his ground. He refused to break down in front of Ken-not when Ken himself was so obviously close to losing it. "No." He thanked every god he could think of that his voice wasn't shaking. "I want to help you, Ken."

"Help?" The Kaiser's voice dropped to a cold, flat whisper. "You want to help me?"

Daisuke jerked back as the other boy advanced on him suddenly, but still refused to move. He breathed in Ken's scent when the other boy stopped, their faces mere inches apart. If Dai had leaned forward just a little bit more, he could have tasted him.

"Let's get one thing straight, Chosen," he spat the word out as though it were foul in his mouth, "I do not need you whining, sniveling, pathetic help. I am the Kaiser here."

Daisuke swallowed hard. "No you're not."

Ken jerked back and lifted his hand, casting a long dark shadow over Daisuke's face. Daisuke's eyes fluttered shut in expectation of a blow that never fell.

After a moment of stillness, the Child of Courage opened his eyes to see Ken staring at him with a look of intense pain on his face. The upraised hand slowly lowered and Daisuke reached up and gently slipped the child Emperor's glasses off his face. He had learned a long time ago that he could see the boy genius's entire being reflected in their flickering surfaces and right now those eyes were red and swollen from crying.

With infinite tenderness that few would have believed possible, Daisuke gently reached up and brushed a few strands of hair from Ken's face.

"You're just a scared kid who has no idea what the hell he's doing. Just like rest of us."

Ken shrank back from his touch as though it burned and then Daisuke's voice really did tremble. "What are you running from, Ken?"

Ken pulled away and wrapped his arms around himself. He suddenly looked small and outlandish in his Kaiser garb and the shadows didn't cling to him the way they had before. He looked like he didn't belong there. For a moment he didn't reply, but when he did finally speak his voice was a strained shriek that cut through the air and make Daisuke's heart contract.

"Running from? I'm running away from you!"

And then the Digimon Kaiser began to sob silently.

= = = = = = = = =

Flamedramon glared at the taller digimon as Stingmon leaned against the wall outside the control room. After a moment of silence the blue digimon shrugged uncomfortably and began to study the swirling lines of code that marked the walls. He distantly wondered how Ken and Wormmon had managed to do all this. "Talk."

Stingmon looked at the ground. "It's very hard for me to maintain this form."

Flamedramon looked over at him sharply in confusion.

"It's difficult without having your human help you sustain it," Stingmon continued. He looked back up. "I'm not even sure on how I did it back at the lake that night. It pleases Ken, I think. He prefers this form to my old one. But holding onto it all day and all night for weeks on end . . . It's extremely painful. Do you know why I've done it?"

Flamedramon's eyes narrowed behind his helmet and he barely bit back a scathing reply. "No."

Stingmon rested his head against the wall. "Because it makes Ken-chan happy." He cocked his head slightly to the side. "And because it makes you notice me."

Flamedramon frowned and opened his mouth to protest but Stingmon interrupted him with a sharp, bitter bark of laughter. "Don't lie. I know what I am, Flamedramon. Wormmon are not really cared for by much of anyone in the Digital World. Viruses don't like us because we're weak and cowardly. Vaccines don't like us because we're clingy and stupid. Data types don't like us because we're useless. It's not a good thing to be born as-a Wormmon, I mean."

Flamedramon looked away. "That's not true."

Stingmon snorted. "Then why won't you look at me when you say that? I know the truth about what I am. It's okay. But be honest: did you even ever so much as spare me a glance in my rookie form save for when you were knocking me out of your way?"

Flamedramon stared at the ground and felt his cheeks heat beneath his mask.

"Hmph. I thought not." Stingmon looked at the ground again and there was silence.

Flamedramon swallowed and felt slightly nauseous. "Did you notice me?"

"Everyday."

The Armor type looked up at his companion and felt suddenly angry. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I'm going to revert tomorrow I think. Or maybe the day after."

"What?" Flamedramon's brow contorted and he spun to face the other digimon. "What are you talking about? Why?"

The Champion heaved a sigh that seemed to come from the very floor. "Because Ken-chan is dying. The part of him that makes it so that I can stay like this is dying inside him." He met Flamedramon's eyes and his antennae seemed to droop a bit. "I thought that Daisuke was going to be able to help him, but I was wrong. He just made it worse. Daisuke just kind of drug it all out and made it hurt more. I don't know what Ken will do now, but they can't keep this up. He knows it and Daisuke knows it. I think that it's all over now."

"He might get rid of you for dedigivolving," Flamedramon whispered.

Stingmon shrugged. "He won't. He may not know it, but he needs me. He really does love Daisuke, though."

Flamedramon sighed and settled back next to Stingmon on the wall. "I know. Somehow I think we all knew."

They were both quiet end listened to the faint sounds of their humans' voices. Something crashed, but neither digimon moved. They could both sense their boys' distress, but neither of them was in any particular danger. And they both knew that they all needed the time apart.

The dragon-like digimon cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I'm sorry I never noticed you before," he murmured.

Stingmon nodded and made a noncommittal sound in his throat.

Flamedramon stared at the gauntlets on his wrists. They were covered with the same flame pattern that decorated Daisuke's bomber jacket-the Fires of Courage, Daisuke had once said. That was what he called himself too: Flamedramon, the Fire of Courage. He felt like he had been anything but courageous lately. "If it means anything to you . . ." he whispered softly to the other digimon, "I notice you now."

Stingmon turned his head to the side and looked down at the Armor type. "You know that my first duty is to my Master, don't you?"

Flamedramon seemed to wilt for a moment, but then he looked up at the slightly taller digimon and nodded. "I understand."

Stingmon shifted uncomfortably. "He's really not so bad you know . . . Ken-chan, I mean. He's just confused right now. He'll get better. He just needs some time . . ."

He'll get better. Like he was sick or something.

The Armor digimon shook his head and said nothing, choosing instead to listen to the silence that now pervaded the air. Their humans' distress had faded into a kind of sweet melancholy. Stingmon was right, Flamedramon realized; it really was over. They were both quiet for a moment, then: "You really believe in him, don't you?"

"Ken-chan is everything to me," Stingmon replied. "He found me alone and wounded in the desert-if he and Ryo hadn't come I would have died. He took me in, healed me; he taught me to digivolve the first time even though Ryo didn't want him to. He taught me everything. Without him . . ." He trailed off, unwilling to speculate on a life without Ken. There simply could not be a life without Ken.

The other digimon nodded absently. Suddenly he shifted back until he was leaning against the large green insect. "Well, there's always tonight. And, in spite of everything, . . . this was . . . nice."

A deep chuckle shook Stingmon. "Yes. Yes. This was nice."

"Perhaps," Flamedramon began tentatively, "perhaps, one day-"

Stingmon silenced him by wrapping his arms around the smaller digimon's shoulder. "Perhaps," he said.

His voice held little hope, but his embrace was surprisingly warm and comforting and Flamedramon was happy to settle for that much. They both knew that, for the moment at least, that was all that was possible.

= = = = = = = = =

Ken looked at Daisuke, not the Kaiser, but Ken. Ken whom Daisuke loved; Ken whom Daisuke needed enough to forgive the Kaiser. Ken . . . Ken who was everything. And Ken was crying. Large, sparkling crystal tears slid silently down his face and hit his uniform, turning the blue parts black and the white parts gray and his eyes looked larger somehow, wider and clearer than ever before.

Daisuke shifted awkwardly and suddenly wished that he was smart enough to know what to say or do. He wished he knew how to fix this. To see Ken cry . . . It was unbearable.

"I hate you," the pale boy hissed meaningfully through his tears.

Daisuke flinched.

"I hate you. I hate you so much that it burns inside. I hate you for being here. I hate you for doing this to me. I hate you . . . I hate you . . ." The boy choked off and turned away.

Daisuke's hands clenched into fists and he could feel tears stream down his own cheeks now as well. "I love you, Ken."

"Shut up!!" The child Emperor grabbed the closest thing to him, his whip, and hurled it blindly at the other boy. Vision distorted by his tears, he threw wide and the whip hit the wall over Daisuke's shoulder. Ken let out a wounded shriek and dropped to his knees. He covered his ears with his hands and hunched down into a ball. "Shut up, shut up shut up! You don't! You can't!"

Daisuke crossed the room and, oblivious to the other's resistance, wrapped his arms around the small boy sobbing on the floor and began to rock him back and forth and whisper to him just as he had that night by the lake. "It's okay, Ken. It's okay. You'll be okay. I promise. I'm here and it's okay, Ken. Please don't cry. Please?"

Ken stopped fighting and collapsed helplessly in his arms, shaking his head at nothing. "I hate you, 'Suke. I hate you."

"Ken-chan . . . Ken-chan . . ."

The two boys sat like that on the cold metal floor until their tears had stopped and their voices were cracked and worn and they felt stiff.

"Ken?"

"What, Suke?"

"Do you love me? Really, really love me?"

The slender boy's body shook as he sighed. He closed his eyes and leaned in closer to Daisuke. "Yes, 'Suke. I really love you." His shoulder's trembled and he buried his face in Daisuke's shirt. "I love you."

Daisuke smiled happily and it looked like winter clouds clearing after a long storm. "That's all I wanted to hear, Ken."

Ken nodded helplessly and Daisuke gave him a gentle squeeze and freed a hand to gently stroke his lover's long indigo locks. "Then we can't do this anymore, can we?"

Ken shook his head and his shoulders started to shake harder and Dai could feel his shirt getting damp.

The Child of Courage and Friendship continued to smile and stroke the other boy's hair though and he even laughed to himself. "It's okay," he decided.

Ken pulled back and sat up, his pale face red and streaked with tears. "What?"

Daisuke leaned forward and gently kissed his lips. When he pulled back he was still smiling. "I said it's okay. I won't keep doing this and watch it hurt you." He wrapped his arms around Ken and pulled him close, tucking the other boy's head under his chin. "And we always have today and right now. Besides . . . I can wait. When you stop this, I'll be there."

The Kaiser shivered in his arms. "And what makes you think I'll ever 'stop this?' "

"I believe in you. Besides, we're gonna win, Kaiser."

Ken tried to laugh but it came out like a sob and he wrapped his arms around the other boy. "You're so stupid, Daisuke."

The goggle boy grinned. "It's part of my charm."

Ken closed his eyes and relaxed. "So I guess you should get home then."

Daisuke yawned and rested his chin on Ken's head. "Mmmm . . . I guess," he mumbled.

Ken's eyes fluttered sleepily. "Then I'll see you again in battle-" he stifled a yawn, "my worthy adversary . . ."

"Uh-huh." Daisuke lay down on the floor and pulled Ken close to him. "Bye, Ken."

Ken wrapped his arms around his partner and allowed his eyes to slide shut. "Bye, 'Suke."

In the dim light the monitors hummed and beeped occasionally as another seemingly uneventful day in the Digital World rolled quietly into a seemingly uneventful night. The two boys lay peacefully in each other's arms, unaware of the passing of time or the fading of one day into the next. As they slept their hearts beat in time.

- = = = = O = = = = -

"Meanwhile we do no harm; for they

That with a god have striven,

Not hearing much of what we say,

Take what the god has given;

Though like waves breaking it may be,

Or like a changed familiar tree,

Or like a stairway to the sea

Where down the blind are driven."

Eros Turannos

~ Edwin Arlington Robinson

- = = = = O = = = = -

~ Fin