Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Count the Seconds, Count the Steps ❯ Chapter One ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

"Count the Seconds, Count the Steps"
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine but the idea, in case you weren't aware.

Prerequisite yaoi warning: Guys with guys. No like, no read. No flame, either, or my stuffed Gomamon Xellos will have to eat your kidneys.

Author's Notes: This is an odd little fic. I love it, but it's odd. This is what happens when you get reeeally bored and start writing fanfiction.

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Have you ever been so bored could take apart your entire room piece by piece and then put it back together again just because there's nothing else to do? That's what I feel like right now. I'm so bored. Minomon's asleep and my parents are asleep, because that's generally what people do when it's two minutes to midnight on a Wednesday.
I wonder if Daisuke's asleep. Probably. All the other Digidestined are probably fast asleep in their beds, snuggling into their warm mattresses and dreaming the innocent dreams of small children and animals.
I used to dream innocent dreams. I used to close my eyes and lose myself in a world of sugar and light. But I'm not that innocent anymore. Innocence is a myth anyway. We're all waiting to be corrupted, it's just that some of us have a shorter wait than others.
The glowing red numbers of the clock tell me that it's finally midnight. A normal boy wouldn't be staring at them like this. A normal boy would ask why he's still awake when he has nothing to do but sit and be bored. Luckily, I've never been a normal boy.
There must be something to do. Anything. God, if the silence were any more oppressive, I'd slit my throat. Daisuke once joked that I probably stay up late counting my sins and alphabetizing them. Hmm. There's something.
Let's see....A. Arrogance, I suppose. Does that count as a sin? I'm not sure, but I think I'll count it anyway because I don't want to search for any other words beginning with A. Next letter. B. Hmm....that's a hard one. B...what sins start with B? Bastard, that's a good one. Being a bastard. C's next, and that's the easy one. Cruelty. D.... death. For the Digimon who died because of me. E....evil, obviously. F....I can't think of one for that. This is stupid. I'm utterly pathetic; what sort of freak alphabetizes his sins?
A bored, former evil genius freak, that's what kind.
That's it. I'm leaving. I can't sit here any longer, staring at those glaring red numbers and counting the seconds in my head.
5.2. That's how many seconds it took me to stand and get to the door. I calculate probably about 31.7 more to get into the hall. Wait, I didn't adjust time for sneaky quotient. I can't let my parents catch me leaving, or they might think I'm running away again. I'm not, of course. I just need some air.
The streets are nearly empty, and it occurs to me what an idiot I am for walking out here alone. I'll probably get robbed or kidnapped or murdered. I'd care, but I really don't think I need to. If I get dragged into an alleyway and beaten to death, I figure it will be a fittingly pathetic end to a pathetic life.
Look at me. I'm nearly whining again. I hate myself. Weak, soft, kind....I let everyone walk all over me because I can't stand to hurt them. The Kaiser in me wants to puke with every word I say. He never leaves me alone about it. Weakling boy, he says. You could have had the world, and now look at you.
I have to ignore him. He's always there, though, and the more I ignore him the angrier he gets.
Listen to me! he screams. You can't just forget I'm here, you know! I'm here
forever, whether you like it or not.
I think I'm crazy. I have to be, really. I have a little version of myself running about my cranium in a cape and sunglasses, brandishing a whip. Sometimes he's a caricature, with big red cartoon eyes and enormous fangs, giggling insanely while he chases my good side off with that whip. Other times he's large and menacing, and I bow before him, broken at his feet. Then he's just a bug, and I stare at him and smirk, because I have power over him. Until I realize that he's just been playing with me all along and I'm more like him than ever before....
God, I really am a mental case.
Stupid insomnia. Stupid Kaiser. Stupid guilt, stupid sins, stupid Ken.... Ha! Take that, you rock. That'll teach you to get in the way of Ken Ichijouji. I'll kick you halfway down the street. That goes for the rest of you, too. I'm talking to you, you half empty soft drink can.
I am so insane it's not even funny. I say I want to be left alone, and it's not just by everyone else. Is this the consequence of having a big brain? It gets too large and suddenly starts to rebel, turning against you and tearing you apart from the inside out? Am I just rambling again, or have I finally found an answer?
Hmm. It's cold. I didn't notice it before. I suppose I should have changed out of my school uniform before I came out here into something more suited for the climate, Like, I don't know, maybe a bloody coat?
Serves you right if you freeze to death, the Kaiser whispers, and I swear I just want to smack him sometimes. Some genius.
"Shut up!" The few people on the street look at me funny, and I can't say I blame them. I wonder if they recognize me. If they do, they're probably wondering what the hell Ken Ichijouji is doing, talking to himself at midnight, walking around the streets of Odaiba without even a scarf....
Odaiba? Shit, when did I get here? I didn't even realize I walked this far. Heh. Just another thing for the Kaiser to yell at me about. He's like....like....whatever the opposite of the conscience is. I knew the word once, but it eludes me now. How many seconds did it take me to walk this far?
It took only about 1.34 seconds for me to kick another rock. I'm obsessed with the time. I'm obsessed with a lot of things, really. One is small and green and sleeps in my bed, and the other is a little dim and wearing goggles and unfortunately not sleeping in my bed. Did I just think that? Probably. My brain moves ahead of me these days.
Count the seconds, count the steps.....one, two, three, it takes so much energy just to walk. My mind's not quite here, my body's not quite down to earth. The stars are above me, then I'm above them; I'm not quite here and maybe I never was. Where am I now?
I'm somewhere I recognize. I recognize it all too well, and I must say, it figures. Not only do I walk straight to Daisuke's apartment without realizing it, I stop right below what I believe is his window.
Daisuke. I love the way that name sounds in my head. Like sweetness and sugar and cinnamon, hinted with spice and twisted with fire. Daisuke. Dai suki, Daisuke. I love you. I love the way your face lights up whenever I see you, the way the light glints off your goggles, the way you can seem so stupid and yet so wise at the same time. Is it any wonder I walked straight to you?
Let's make him beg again, the Kaiser suggests. You know you liked that....having power over him.
No, I reply. You've got it wrong. You liked that. We're separate entities, remember?
Since when? is his response. I can't answer, because I don't know what to say.
Damn him. He's like Daisuke in that way....always asking me questions I can't answer.
Besides, that dark part of me whispers, you can't say that you didn't like it when he rode you down the hill.
I think I blushed at that. Oh, yes, I remember that. Daisuke jumped at me and pushed me down the hill. And the Kaiser....I.....smiled. I smiled the whole way down, even though the ground was cutting up my back and reopening the cut on my leg. Is it wrong that I liked having him on top of me?
Not at all, purrs the Kaiser. Let's do it again. The Digital World is still ours for the taking, and we could have Daisuke all to ourselves....
No! I don't want to be that again! I won't let that happen. Not again. 6 breaths, calm yourself, Ichijouji. Turn around and go home, Minomon can comfort you and tell you that it's all better.
But I don't go. For reasons even I don't understand, I reach down, pick up a rock, and throw it at Daisuke's window. It hits with a small clinking noise. I wait, but no one comes to the window.
He's not here to protect you, you soft-willed brat, the Kaiser taunts.
Shut up and go away! I reach down and throw a slightly bigger rock. This time I don't even wait for an answer. I throw another one, this one bigger than the last. I bet I can break that window...
Damn it, I missed. The rock smashes against the hard side of the building and breaks into at least 10 different pieces. Maybe 11.3, I'm not sure. I always focus on numbers when I'm confused. Numbers are nice and straightforward, and carry none of the ambiguity of feelings. Back when I was playing Kaiser, I would always focus on numbers to keep from letting myself feel how much my soul was bleeding.
"What the hell....Ken? What are you doing down there?" What do you know. Daisuke finally woke up. He leans out the window, as if he thinks he's seeing things. I shrug and smile.
"Throwing rocks," I tell him.
"O.....kay." There is a long pause. I wonder if he can see how odd my eyes must look from there. I wonder if he can see how strange I am. What a freak I am. "Aren't you cold, out there without a coat?"
"I want to freeze," I say without really meaning to.
"Wait there, Ken. Something's going on here and I'm not letting you run off without telling me what it is." He disappears from the window and I wait for him to come get me, counting the seconds again. 1...2...3....Hurry, Daisuke. I miss you when you're gone.
"Geez, Ken, it's freezing out here!" There you are, Daisuke! Don't look so cold, it's wonderful out. Nice and warm, like the inside of a candle flame. "Ken?"
"What?" I feel a laugh coming to my lips. I think I've finally snapped, and then he
puts a hand on my forehead.
"You feel a little warm." He grabs my arm and practically drags me into the empty lobby of the apartment. "What were you doing out there? I thought you were a genius." He looks annoyed, and it's cute. I giggle, and my voice sounds strange, but it doesn't worry me and I think it probably should.
"You're so sweet."
"Huh?" There's that clueless look I love so much. "Ken, are you....okay?"
"No," I admit. There's no point in lying. "I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk." I shrug. "I don't know why I ended up here."
"Wh--Ken! Do you have any idea how worried your parents are gonna be when they wake up and you're not there?"
"I'll be back before the sun comes up." Why is he so worried? I'm not.
"No you won't." He drags me down the hall towards his apartment. "You've got a fever, stupid! There's no way I'm sending you back out there." Daisuke pulls me inside his apartment, then takes me to his room.
I adore his room. So messy and cluttered, so utterly Daisuke... I giggle again, and I think the fever's finally gotten to me. Everything's getting a little fuzzy....
"Whoa!" Daisuke catches me as I collapse and lowers me into his bed, carefully pushing Chibimon aside. The little Digimon blinks sleepily at us, and I wonder if Minomon's noticed I'm gone yet. What time is it?
1:35. Have I been gone that long? It doesn't feel like it.
"Ken...." Daisuke sighs and sits on the edge of the bed, staring at me with those beautiful chocolate eyes of his. "What's wrong with you? I mean, this walking around at midnight thing isn't a habit of yours, is it?"
"I was bored." I don't really have a better response.
Kiss him. Go on! We'd both be happy if you took him, the Kaiser wheedles.
"Leave me alone!" I snap at him, forgetting for a moment that I have company.
"Hey! No need to get mad!" Daisuke holds up his hands defensively. "I'm just trying to help."
"I wasn't talking to you," I reply truthfully. "I was talking to the Kaiser."
"Come again?" His expression is a mix between confusion, fear, and worry.
"The Kaiser. He's in my head." I tap the side of my skull with one finger. "Right in here. He's always talking to me, telling me to do things I don't want to do....he never leaves me alone. I don't mind, though. It's comforting to know that there's someone who won't leave me, no matter what." I know just how crazy that sounded, and I laugh....but why does that laugh sound like a sob? Why is my face so wet all of a sudden?
"Ken?" Daisuke sounds so worried that I try to laugh again, but only another sob moves past my lips. Hesitantly, he reaches out and brushes some hair away from my face. "What do you mean, someone who won't leave you? Do you think that I--that any of us Digidestined--would leave you alone?"
"You will," I hear myself say, and I hate myself for being so weak. "Everyone that I love leaves me. Why should they stay? I'm so worthless....weak....I'm so messed up, why would you want to stay with me?"
"Trust me, Ken," Daisuke says in a firm voice, wrapping his arms around me. "I will never leave you."
"Everyone leaves," I sob. "Loving me only leads to pain and suffering. I'm cursed,
I always have been. Cursed to lose everything I ever loved.....and that includes you."
Oh my God....did I just say that? I told him. No! That wasn't what was supposed to happen! Daisuke can't know!
I struggle, trying to free myself from his arms, but I'm trapped. Like a wild animal in a cage.
"Ken....do you love me?" His voice is soft, hesitant....scared, perhaps?
"Yes. I love you more than anything." There's no point in lying. He has me cornered, mesmerized like a bird staring into the glittering eyes of a snake.
"Then you should believe in me." He lifts my chin so that I have to look at him. "I love you, Ken. I won't leave you."
"No!" I finally manage to push him away. "You shouldn't say that, Daisuke! Now you'll die, just like Osamu!"
There it is. My feelings laid out, and too late to take the words back. Daisuke is watching me in open-mouthed surprise. Then he reaches out to touch me. I can't help it. I collapse at his touch, leaning against his shoulder and sobbing.
"That wasn't your fault," Daisuke tells me. I feel his hot breath touching me, it warms me inside. "You can't be afraid of love forever, Ken. I'm not going to let you do that to yourself."
I look up at him, and in his eyes, I see the unspoken promise. That deep wave of chocolate washes over me, and drowns out any of the Kaiser's protests.
"Ai shiteru, Daisuke," I whisper.
"Ai shiteru zutto, Ken." Daisuke lowers his head and kisses me. In that kiss, all my worries and fears are forgotten, covered up by a feeling of pure bliss.
I kiss him back. Then our lips part, then they meet again, like two dancers sweeping across a ballroom floor. He kisses me, and with each kiss I am purified and reborn anew.
He kisses me, and I stop counting the seconds.
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End notes: (1) 'Ai shiteru' means 'I love you.' 'Zutto' means forever. Just in case you didn't know. (2) Yes, I know Ken was alphabetizing in English when he's Japanese. I don't know the Japanese alphabet. Get over it. (3) There isn't really a 3, I just felt like putting it in J