Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Darkness and Light ❯ Darkness and Light ( One-Shot )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: StarryNight 
Taito warning.
Anime/Manga: Digimon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Psychological / Drama / Angst | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.16.2002 | Pages: 5 | Words: 5.8K | Visits: 944 | Status: Completed
Taito warning.
Anime/Manga: Digimon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Psychological / Drama / Angst | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.16.2002 | Pages: 5 | Words: 5.8K | Visits: 944 | Status: Completed
Darkness and Light
By: Elizabeth Dunn
Disclaimers: They don't belong to me. Enough said. If yaoi (boys loving other boys) bothers you, then, well, why are you still here?
Rating: PG-13/R
Author's notes: This is my first Digimon fic, so be gentle :) Between the show and some of the wonderful stories I've read (Taito forever!), I decided to try my hand at a story of my own. I'm well aware this isn't the best, but bear with me. I've upped the ages somewhat to fit the piece. Matt and Tai are about 16, TK and Kari are 12, and I'm not sure what the ages of the others are in relation to each other, but these ages should give you some sort of clue. Fair warning, this deals with some dark subjects, and, as such, is filled with angst. I've been dealing with personal illness and depression on the part of my best friend, so I'm just not capable of fluff at the moment. Also, yes, my use of medicine is screwed up-I know that. While some of it is real, some of it I made up to advance the plot. You have been warned!
Archiving: Anywhere, just keep my name and disclaimers with it.
Feedback is greatly appreciated and will be gratefully accepted. Flames will be ignored and used to amuse friends.
**********
Tai sat on a rock overlooking a large lake and sighed. The Digidestined had decided to stop and rest for a few days, and, honestly, Tai relished the chance to be still and alone for awhile. He stilled remembered the looks of shock on the faces of the others when he suggested the rest break, considering how their Digimon had wandered off, but he had insisted that wearing themselves out wouldn't help one bit. The memory was almost enough to make him smile, but then he caught sight of his reflection in the water.
Tai studied his image in the water critically. By all outward appearances, this was a boy who had it all going for him. Leader of a group out to save the world...two worlds, actually. He leaned over the water further and frowned as his crest swung into view. The Crest of Courage. He laughed at the irony there. Sure, he was brave, when it came to fighting, to dealing with what had to be done. But when it came to himself, his thoughts and feelings...he was a coward, plain and simple. Tai frowned at his reflection. Others may see a leader, but all he saw was the emptiness inside him, the hole that ached to be filled.
He began to speak to his reflection, as if it could respond and give him all the answers. "Why do I feel this way?" he asked. "I'm empty, I feel so empty. Everyone looks to me for guidance, they trust me. Why? I don't even trust myself. I spend so many days following an empty dream, so many nights crying...and I don't even know why I cry anymore." He stared at his image in the water, watching as it seemed to take on new features. Blonde hair, eyes blue as the ocean.... Tai blinked, and was left staring at his own image again. "Why do I love him so much?" he asked himself, moving his eyes from his reflection to the reflection of the moon on the water. "Why do I feel drawn to him, when all he does is push me away?" Tai pulled off his gloves and stared at his hands, watching as he clenched his fists. And, once again, as he'd been doing for so many nights, he began to cry.
**********
Matt was worried, and for once it wasn't about his brother. For the past few weeks, Tai had been becoming increasingly more quiet and introspective. He began disappearing every night, and when he came back, he always looked so solemn and alone. Everyone tried to pull him out of it, even Izzy, but Tai was brushing them all off. The only one who he even talked to anymore was Kari, and Matt suspected that was more because Kari wouldn't be brushed off than Tai's desire to talk to her. Well, he wasn't going to be brushed off anymore, either.
Matt stood from his place beside the campfire. Joe looked at him. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"I'm going to find Tai. Something has been bothering him, and it's hurting him. We need to know."
Kari looked at Matt, eyes shining. "He won't talk to you," she said. "He won't talk to anyone about it, not even me." She closed her eyes as a tear slipped down her face. Kari bit her lip, as if she was debating telling him something else, but she shook her head and turned away. 'I won't betray his secret, no matter how worried I get,' she thought.
"Someone's got to draw him out-it may as well be me." Matt stalked towards the lake muttering, "as if it wasn't bad enough that our Digimon are missing, now Tai has to go and have problems."
**********
Tai had lost track of the time he had been sitting by the water. It could've been minutes or hours-and he didn't care, either. He looked down at his reflection, studying his eyes reddened from crying. "I'm a failure," he whispered to the night. "I can't even be true to myself, how can I possibly be true to everyone else. Izzy, Joe, Mimi, TK, Sora, Kari, Matt. I can't trust myself, how can they trust me? Kari looks up to me, doesn't she see how worthless I really am? And Matt...." Tai swallowed. "Why did I have to fall in love with the one person who truly can't seem to stand me?" He glared at his reflection, as if angered by its lack of response. "Why do I have to love him?" he shouted. His image mocked him. Tai smashed his fist into the water, disrupting his reflection. He turned his back on the water, pulling his knees to his chest and began to sob anew.
**********
Matt walked along the lakeshore, looking for Tai. As he was beginning to wonder if Tai was even there, he heard the faint sound of crying. Concerned, he followed the sound around a bend, where he saw Tai. He was sitting on a rock, rocking back and forth and sobbing as if his heart was breaking. Matt rushed forward, feeling his own heart break at the sounds. That wasn't ordinary crying-it was the sob of someone who was alone and scared. He should know-he'd cried like that himself.
Tai looked up as he felt someone join him on the rock. Shit. Matt was there, staring at him, eyes filled with worry. "Hey, Tai, what's wrong?"
Tai ignored the question as he stared at the moon and stars. "Isn't it funny," he said, his words sounding distant, "how cold and lonely the stars seem? They're the most beautiful things I've ever seen, but they just hang there, alone. It seems so sad."
"Tai?" Tai looked at Matt, his voice sounded so concerned. "Tai, what's the matter? You're hurting, we all see it. Kari cries because she doesn't know how to help her brother."
"Kari'd be better off without me. You all would."
Matt stared at Tai in shock. "You can't mean that! You're our leader." He leaned over and took Tai's crest in his hand. "You bear the Crest of Courage."
Tai jerked away. He yanked the crest from around his neck and stared at it. "Courage. That seems so wrong." He made as if he was going to throw it away, but he stuffed it into his pocket instead.
"Wrong? You're the bravest person I know."
Tai scoffed. "Sure. When it comes to fighting, no one's braver. But when it comes to feelings, what's in *here*," he touched his chest, "I'm a coward." He turned to look Matt in the eye. "I'm empty, Matt. I'm here in body, but my spirit is trapped. I'm so busy trying to be perfect for everyone else, that I've forgotten who *I* am. And let me tell you, that's a terrifying feeling, to feel so lost. Usually, the only thing a person can be sure of is themselves. I don't even have that."
Matt gazed into Tai's eyes and saw the real fear there. "Look inside you, Tai. The answer's in there somewhere, in your soul."
"Don't you see?" Tai asked, sounding slightly hysterical. "I don't even have my soul anymore. Not all of it. Someone else has it! I had to go and fall in love...." He trailed off, remembering just who he was talking to.
Matt swallowed, suppressing a sudden surge of hope. "In love? That's usually a good thing."
"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" Tai had turned so he was staring out at the water again.
Matt forced his voice to take on a lighthearted tone. "So, who's the lucky person. Sora?" He placed his right hand on Tai's shoulder and crossed the fingers of his left one.
"Sora? God, no. She's a good friend, but she's not for me, not like that."
"Mimi, then? Or maybe some girl back home?"
Tai laughed bitterly. "What makes you think it's a girl?" he asked, then blanched as he realize just what he had said.
Matt blinked. "A guy, hmmm?" His voice was teasing.
Tai jumped up and glared at Matt. "Listen, I don't need you making fun of me on top of everything else! I thought I could trust you-that's why I told you anything! Why did I have to fall in love with you?"
Matt gaped. Tai was so agitated that he hadn't even noticed his slip. "You...*love* me?" he gasped out.
Tai's head whipped around, and his mouth fell open in shock. "Shit! I said that? Oh, no, no...." He turned and ran into the woods, stumbling blindly.
Mat stood and, without even thinking, ran after Tai. "Tai, stop!" he shouted, but Tai kept running. Making a desperate lunge, he tackled Tai to the ground. "Stop running and listen to me!"
"What's there to say?" Tai asked, crying. "I'm an idiot, on top of being a worthless loser. I don't need you to beat me up-I'm doing a fine job of that myself."
"Well, maybe if you'd stand still long enough to listen to me, you'd know why I'm chasing you." He flipped Tai over and straddled his waist.
"Go ahead. Yell at me, hit me, I don't care anymore." He looked up at Matt through eyes that were calm and resigned.
Matt raised his hand and Tai flinched. But, instead of the slap he was expecting, Matt gently caressed Tai's face. "You can be so stupid sometimes," he murmured. "It's a wonder that I love you as much as I do."
"You-you're in love with me?" Tai's reflected the shock he was feeling. "I didn't think you could love me...."
"Yeah, well, I didn't think *you* could love *me*. I mean, I've treated you badly at times."
"Oh, Matt, I think we were both to blame." Tai's eyes closed and his head rolled to the side. "But I don't deserve you. You should go now."
"Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere." He stretched out full-length along Tai, effectively pinning him to the ground. "And neither are you."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because I love you! Because I want to know why you're so convinced you're worthless. Who did this to you?"
Tai looked into Matt's cerulean depths. All he could see there was a desire to help, and a love so deep it took his breath away. "I-I don't know. It's like, I've been feeling like this for a long time now. Sometimes I wonder why we're even here. I know, saving the world and all that, but it just seems so pointless at times. I know I'm not the best person to be leading anyone-I'm too impulsive and not always the most considerate soul-yet, everyone has such faith in me. It just seems so misplaced. And then, when I realized I was falling for you...." Tai broke off and focused his gaze on some point over Matt's shoulder. Matt could see the vacant look in Tai's eyes, and shook his shoulders gently.
"Tai, talk to me. Don't distance yourself-I've been watching you do this for weeks now. Don't shut yourself away."
"Why?" Tai's words were barely a whisper. Matt had to lean in closer to hear him at all. "Why do I bother anymore? It's always the same."
"What's always the same?" Matt was truly worried now. Tai had completely shut himself away, no longer responding. Matt rose and picked Tai up, surprised at how light he'd become-he must've been eating less than anyone thought, carrying him back to camp. Kari looked up at the sound of Matt's approach, and gasped when she saw Tai in Matt's arms.
"Tai!" she cried, running to where Matt had placed him gently down. "Matt, what happened to him?"
"I-I don't know. We were talking-he was telling me what was bothering him, and he just got real distant." Matt was close to crying, something he swore he'd never do in front of anyone.
Kari looked at him, a quick, searching glance, before kneeling next to her brother. "What was he talking about?" she asked, taking Tai's hand in her own and rubbing gently while murmuring comfortingly. Matt stared-it looked like Kari knew what she was doing!
"He was telling me how worthless he felt, and that he was no good for anybody.... Kari, what's wrong with him?"
She looked at him, compassion and pity in her eyes. Instead of answering him she called, "Joe, bring the first aid bag over here." As Joe, who had been on watch, came over, she muttered, "I hope he still has it, I hope he didn't run out."
"Run out of what?" Matt asked as Joe placed the bag next to Kari and knelt down next to her. Businesslike, he began to rummage through the bag, obviously looking for something. "What's going on?" he asked, visibly frustrated. Did everyone know what was wrong with Tai except him?
Joe glanced over his shoulder at Matt. "You didn't know? He's clinically depressed."
Matt gaped. "No, I-I didn't know that."
"Nobody really did," spoke up Kari. She glanced up to make sure that it was only the three of them before continuing. "I knew, because, well, we're family, and Tai told Joe because he carries all the medical supplies. Tai didn't want to be responsible for his medications himself-he was afraid that everyone would hate him if they found out he was on medication for depression." Joe triumphantly pulled out a syringe and a vial, as Kari pulled out a pill bottle. She shook it, frowned, and poured the contents in her hand, counting the pills. "Has he asked you for his medication lately?" she asked Joe.
"Not in about a month or so." Joe shrugged as he filled the syringe. "I asked him about it, but he said he was taking care of it himself. I assumed that meant he was taking it without my knowing. I never thought to check."
Kari pushed up Tai's sleeve, and gasped again, a sound filled with anguish. "I should've known when he started wearing long sleeves," she said with a sigh.
Matt came over to look at what had gotten Kari so upset, and had to gasp himself. Tai's arm was covered in long, shallow slashes. He went to Tai's other side and rolled up that sleeve as well. The same thing. "I can't believe it," he murmured.
Kari's eyes were hard as she took the syringe from Joe. "Believe it," she said curtly, as she plunged the needle into Tai's arm.
The medication had an almost immediate effect. Tai blinked, and his eyes focused on Kari. "Let me guess," he said, voice filled with a heavy sarcasm directed at himself.
"Tai, why weren't you taking your medication?" He opened his moth, but Kari placed a finger over his lips. "And don't tell me that you were rationing it. I know that. But honestly, Tai, don't you know dangerous it is to go a month without medication?"
Tai sat up. "Make that three months."
Kari reeled in shock. So did Joe. "W-what?" asked Joe. "But I had been giving you the pills."
"And I had been replacing them in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep." He shrugged. "I was handling it."
Matt couldn't keep silent. "How?" he spat, grabbing Tai's wrist. "By *cutting* yourself?"
Tai blanched. He had been so focused on Kari that he hadn't even noticed Matt on his other side. "You-you know?" he asked quietly.
"I know. I can't believe you've been hiding it for so long. Why didn't you tell any of us? Didn't you trust us?"
"I trusted you, but face it, depression is one of those things that's not really taken too seriously, especially among people our age. You know, 'its just hormones' and all that. I didn't want to risk losing anyone's respect, especially yours." He lowered his eyes and blushed
Kari looked from Matt to Tai, and understood. "Tai, I think you have to tell everyone now. They deserve an explanation. Besides, if you're not going to look out for yourself, someone has to."
"Fine." Tai sighed. He looked at everyone still sleeping. How had they managed to stay asleep through all this? "I'll tell them in the morning. You should all go to sleep."
Kari and Joe nodded. Joe went back to watch and Kari to bed, but not before Kari made Tai take one of his pills. Matt didn't move. "Aren't you going to go to sleep?" he asked.
"Nope. I don't know if you know this, but what Kari gave me is a strong anti-depressant and stimulant combination. It's supposed to jolt me out of myself, you know, like that trance I was in. The whole point is to wake me up. I can never sleep after one of those things."
"Then I'll stay up with you." Matt laid back and pulled Tai down with him.
"Matt, you should go to sleep. I know I'm not going to be up to leading tomorrow, so someone should be alert."
"We're staying here tomorrow, remember?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Why did you suggest this rest, anyway? That's not like you."
"I knew what was happening to me, Matt. I just didn't care enough to stop it." He looked away from Matt, and, suddenly, Matt *knew*.
"You were planning to kill yourself, weren't you?" Matt asked in a horrified whisper. He turned Tai's face so they were gazing in each other's eyes and saw the truth written there. "I think maybe it's better that I stay awake."
"You might be right there."
"W-what?"
Tai sighed. "Look, the stuff Kari gave me is enough to snap me out of the deepest part of my depression, but it's not a cure. I've been unmedicated for three months now, give or take a couple weeks. I'm not really sure. There are no reserves in my system. I'm not going to be 'fine' for a long time. I'm going to tell you the truth, Matt." Tai's eyes dropped to the ground, then back to Matt's face. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of self-destructive thought. If I were taking my medication like normal, it wouldn't be a problem. But, in case you haven't noticed, there aren't any pharmacies lurking around the Digi-world. I'm on a rationing system as it is, enough to keep me functioning as close to normal as possible."
"Then why did you *stop*?"
"I'm not even sure anymore. My original thought was to try and stretch it out longer, that way I'd use less medication-I mean, who knows how long we'll be stuck here." Tai rolled onto his back and stared at the sky. "After awhile, though, I stopped caring. My darker side was free, and while I hated it, it just seemed like too much effort to stop, to care again."
Matt pulled Tai closer to him. "Please care," he whispered. "Care...I care. I love you, Tai."
Tai smiled. "I think that's one of the few things that could make me care."
"Please, Tai, just promise me one thing. Well, two things, actually."
"Anything I can."
"Be here when I wake up, and try to never give in again."
Tai ran a hand through Matt's blonde hair. "I promise you I'll be here in the morning. And I won't give in as long as I know you love me and I love you."
"Forever," Matt whispered as he gave in to exhaustion and fell asleep. Tai stared at the stars, losing himself in the beauty of the night.
**********
The second the sun rose, Kari was up and hovering over Tai. Tai smiled. Whispering, so as not to disturb Matt, he said, "No need to be so overprotective, Kari."
"Oh, I think there's a need," retorted Kari quietly. "You can't fool me, I know you too well. Why do you do this, Tai? Why did you let yourself go so deep? Usually you catch yourself, but this time...." She trailed off and shook her head.
"I don't know, Kari. I stopped caring somewhere along the way."
"Do you-do you care now?"
Tai sat up and wrapped Kari in a hug. "I'm trying," he said softly, knowing it would be useless to lie to her. "Between you and Matt, I just may have a reason to keep trying."
Kari smiled and wiped away her tears. "So I was right. The way Matt was acting last night, I thought that he loved you. And I know you've been in love with him for awhile now-" She gasped as a thought occurred to her. "That was it, wasn't it? You thought Matt could never love you. That's why you stopped caring!"
"I always know when someone's talking about me." Tai and Kari both jumped at the unexpected intrusion of Matt's voice. His sleepy eyes regarded Tai. "How are you this morning, love?"
"Alive," Tai chuckled. Matt looked taken aback, but Kari giggled.
"Kari? How could you think that was funny?"
"Because, when Tai begins to joke, I know he'll make it. You might not believe this, but dark humor is one of Tai's most effective ways to deal with his depression."
"Hey!" Tai waved his hand in front of Kari's face. "I'm still here, you know."
"I know. Are you still going to tell them?"
Tai sighed, his good humor vanishing. "I suppose so. I just hope they'll forgive me."
"Forgive what?" Sora asked as she sat up and stared at the group. "What's going on? Where did you disappear to last night, Tai?"
"I'll tell you later. When everyone's awake. I don't want to have to do this more than once."
"I'm awake," Izzy grumbled.
"Yeah, who could sleep with everyone chattering," Mimi said as she sat up and stretched. Joe sat up and blinked his agreement.
TK sat up and looked for Matt. He crawled over to his brother and asked, "Why do you look so serious? Is something wrong?"
"Good question," said Mimi. "I'd like to know, too."
Tai sighed. "Fine. Everyone grab some fruit. It's a long story, you might as well eat while I'm talking."
Everyone settled around the fruit that had been left over from the night before. Tai looked at everyone and said, "First, I'd like to apologize for the way I've been acting lately. There was a reason for it, a reason I've been hiding from almost all of you. Only Kari and Joe knew before last night and I had sworn them to secrecy."
Sora placed a hand on Tai's arm. "It's all right. What's the matter?"
Tai sighed and looked at the ground. "I'm clinically depressed. I've been taking medication for it since before we first came to the Digi-world. The whole reason I went to camp was because my parents thought it would cheer me up. Although I almost didn't go-they weren't sure if the should send me without Kari, but they decided it would still be best for me. I've always felt lucky that I had my medications on me when we got transported here-if not, I'd probably be dead by now. One of the first things I did was talk to Joe. I knew that I'd have to be careful about taking the pills or I'd be in a bad way sooner or later. I made him promise that he wouldn't tell *anyone* about me. So I survived our first trip. While we were searching for Kari, I want back to my psychiatrist and convinced him that my pills had gotten lost, so he gave me a new prescription. Thanks to some ingenuity on mine and Kari's part, we managed to doctor the prescription so I got more than was originally prescribed. When we came back, I also made sure that I had some other things as well, which, for the most part, I entrusted in Joe's care, and I also filled him in on the fact that Kari knew as well. Through rationing, I had managed to maintain a balance...until recently."
"What happened?" asked Izzy. Tai looked up in surprise. He hadn't even noticed that Izzy wasn't at his laptop for once.
"I got stupid." Matt muttered something under his breath, and Tai glared at him. "I began to wonder just how long we'd be here and I began to panic about how long my medication would last. I decided to see how far I could stretch the rationing. I began pretending to take my pills-I'd put them back as soon as everyone was asleep. By the time I realized that something was wrong, it was too late. I just didn't care anymore."
Tai rolled up his sleeves. Everyone, with the exceptions of Matt, Kari, and Joe gasped in shock at the slashes on his arms. Matt placed a gentle hand on the marks and smiled at Tai, giving him strength.
Sora grabbed Tai's other wrist and inspected the cuts. "Tai, I can't believe you were doing this to yourself," she whispered sadly. Mimi and Izzy nodded.
"It was the only thing I could think of to do," Tai said, gently extricating himself from Sora's grip. "I had done it before-it was this that tipped off my parents. This time, though, I just hid it better. All that practice."
"But why do you do it?" asked Mimi.
"Well, most people do it when they think they can't feel anything. I, on the other hand, do it to block out feelings. As long as I feel the physical pain, I don't hurt emotionally. To my mind, it seemed logical. I'd been...confused, and I was feeling things that I thought I shouldn't." Tai glanced at Matt and blushed. "Unfortunately, I reached a point where the cutting wasn't helping anymore." Tai looked at everyone, a long, level glance. "I won't lie to any of you-I had been planning on killing myself last night."
Sora cried out in shock. "Oh, Tai..." she whispered, tears falling down her face. "Why?"
"I was feeling worthless and empty. In my mind there was no point in living. Lucky for me, Matt decided that he'd had enough of my isolationist attitude and decided to go find me. He forced me to talk to him, and, well, a whole lot more was revealed that I had planned. So, apparently-I don't really remember this, only waking up-I disconnected from myself in order to stop feeling. Matt carried me back to camp, where Joe and Kari brought me back to myself." Tai began to cry. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry I've been such a rotten leader lately, I-I'm sorry I'm even alive!"
Matt pulled Tai into an embrace. "Don't say that," he hissed. "You said you'd try not to give in. You *promised* me!"
"I-I know, Matt, but it's so hard...." He began to sob on Matt's shoulder.
Kari moved so she was beside them. "Tai, calm down."
"I can't-I want to die, Kari! I let everyone down."
"Tai...." Matt trailed off and looked at Kari helplessly.
"No, you didn't!" Everyone stared in shock at Izzy. He rarely took such a strong stand. "You didn't let *me* down, Tai. You couldn't help it-everyone has their problems. I just wish you'd told us about this sooner."
"So do I." Sora pulled Tai from Matt's arms and into her own. Matt growled softly in sudden jealously-he knew how Sora felt about Tai-hell, everyone except Tai knew. "Why couldn't you trust us?" Sora was genuinely confused.
"I-I was afraid, Sora. I still am. There's not much that's keeping me going right now."
"It's all right," Sora whispered comfortingly. "I'm here for you. Will it help if I tell you how much I love you?"
Matt winced. So did Kari-she knew that this wasn't going to go well at all, and she was afraid that Tai would be the casualty.
Tai drew back from Sora. "Sora, that's...flattering, but, no, it wouldn't help. I'm in love with someone else. I love you as a sister, but not like that."
Sora gasped and looked as if she'd been shot. "Someone...else?" Anger began to appear on her face.
Matt moved hastily to stand between Tai and Sora. Hell hath no fury and all that.... "Sora, calm down," he said, but she was having none of it.
"I can't believe you Tai!" she shouted. Everyone stared at her in shock. First Tai's revelation, and now this? "You mean you've just been leading me on all this time?"
"Sora, you've got to believe me, I never meant to lead you on-I had no idea how you felt!" Tai wiped at the fresh tears that were falling down his cheeks. Absently, he wondered if he'd ever stop crying. "I barely have any idea how *I* feel sometimes."
"Oh, sure, but you have enough of an idea of how you feel to fall in love with someone else!" Sora began to cry as well. Mimi put her arms around Sora, but Sora pushed her away. "Don't touch me, Mimi. *You're* probably the one he's in love with!"
"No, it's me!" Everyone, including Tai, stared at Matt in shock. Matt was pretty surprised himself. All he knew was that he couldn't stand to see Tai be hurt any longer. "Tai loves me, and I love him too, with all my heart." He turned and smiled at TK. "Sorry you had to find out this way, TK. I had meant to sit you down and talk to you."
TK smiled. "It's all right, brother. As long as you're happy."
Sora choked down a sob. "Then, I guess I never had a chance in the first place, not if you love another guy." She gave a tiny smile. "It actually doesn't hurt as bad as it would've if you had loved another girl."
Izzy couldn't help breathing a sigh of relief. "So, does that mean that there'll be no murders today?"
Sora laughed. "Nope, no murders."
Matt looked at Tai, who had kind of been forgotten in the middle of the Sora drama. He was edging away from everyone. "Tai, where are you going?"
Tai stopped. "I-I thought I needed to be alone. I guess I won't be allowed to be alone for awhile."
Kari smirked. "Sure you can be alone." She pushed Matt forward. "As long as someone's with you."
Tai laughed. "That sort of defeats the meaning of 'alone.'"
Matt wrapped his arms around Tai. "Hey, don't knock it. I, for one, don't mind being alone with you." He leaned down and kissed Tai gently. When he pulled back, Tai was blushing-along with the rest of their varied audience.
"Matt," he said, laughing. "Our first kiss, and you had to choose to do it *here*?"
Matt looked up and noticed everyone watching them for the first time. Kari and TK jolted themselves out of their stupor and began hustling everyone else along their business while Matt grabbed Tai's wrist and pulled him towards a secluded section of the woods. Once they were alone, he caressed Tai's face and whispered, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you."
Tai smiled. "You didn't, not really. Actually, I kind of liked you claiming me in front of everyone."
"And now that we're alone?"
"Claim me some more."
Matt grinned. "I like the way you think," he purred as he leaned in to kiss Tai again. His mouth caressed Tai's as his tongue traced the lips under his own. Tai moaned and parted his lips, allowing Matt in. They stood that way, tongues entwined, until Tai ran out of breath. He pulled away from Matt and collapsed, shaky legs refusing to support him.
Matt quickly knelt beside him, the image of concern. "You all right?" he asked, stroking Tai's back.
"Y-yeah." Tai took in a deep breath. "Maybe I'm *too* good." He looked at Matt seriously. "I-Matt, don't take this as an insult, but...I think we need to go slowly."
Matt gently cupped Tai's face in his hands. "I'd never dream of rushing you into anything," he said. "That's the honest truth."
"Good." Tai collapsed against Matt. "Because I don't know if I can handle how good you make me feel-not now, anyway. I still don't think I deserve it-or you."
"Tai...."
"No, listen to me, Matt. I know it makes no sense, but I'm seriously messed up right now. I've been living in darkness-the light is going to blind me unless I adjust to it slowly."
"And I'm the light."
Tai smiled. "The brightest. You're the light that saved me."
Matt sighed and kissed Tai once again. "Well, then, as your light, I decree that you won't be in the dark anymore-not while I'm around."
"Yours forever, Matt. I'm yours forever." Tai clung to Matt, allowing his fears to be soothed by the presence of the one he loved. He wasn't as afraid of himself anymore. He knew that it would be a long time before he'd be completely right again, but here, now, in Matt's arms, Tai realized that he could heal, as long as he had Matt's love.
Matt seemed to hear his thoughts, bending his head to kiss them away. "Always," he whispered.
Safe in each other's arms, the boys rose to begin a new day.
**********
The End
By: Elizabeth Dunn
Disclaimers: They don't belong to me. Enough said. If yaoi (boys loving other boys) bothers you, then, well, why are you still here?
Rating: PG-13/R
Author's notes: This is my first Digimon fic, so be gentle :) Between the show and some of the wonderful stories I've read (Taito forever!), I decided to try my hand at a story of my own. I'm well aware this isn't the best, but bear with me. I've upped the ages somewhat to fit the piece. Matt and Tai are about 16, TK and Kari are 12, and I'm not sure what the ages of the others are in relation to each other, but these ages should give you some sort of clue. Fair warning, this deals with some dark subjects, and, as such, is filled with angst. I've been dealing with personal illness and depression on the part of my best friend, so I'm just not capable of fluff at the moment. Also, yes, my use of medicine is screwed up-I know that. While some of it is real, some of it I made up to advance the plot. You have been warned!
Archiving: Anywhere, just keep my name and disclaimers with it.
Feedback is greatly appreciated and will be gratefully accepted. Flames will be ignored and used to amuse friends.
**********
Tai sat on a rock overlooking a large lake and sighed. The Digidestined had decided to stop and rest for a few days, and, honestly, Tai relished the chance to be still and alone for awhile. He stilled remembered the looks of shock on the faces of the others when he suggested the rest break, considering how their Digimon had wandered off, but he had insisted that wearing themselves out wouldn't help one bit. The memory was almost enough to make him smile, but then he caught sight of his reflection in the water.
Tai studied his image in the water critically. By all outward appearances, this was a boy who had it all going for him. Leader of a group out to save the world...two worlds, actually. He leaned over the water further and frowned as his crest swung into view. The Crest of Courage. He laughed at the irony there. Sure, he was brave, when it came to fighting, to dealing with what had to be done. But when it came to himself, his thoughts and feelings...he was a coward, plain and simple. Tai frowned at his reflection. Others may see a leader, but all he saw was the emptiness inside him, the hole that ached to be filled.
He began to speak to his reflection, as if it could respond and give him all the answers. "Why do I feel this way?" he asked. "I'm empty, I feel so empty. Everyone looks to me for guidance, they trust me. Why? I don't even trust myself. I spend so many days following an empty dream, so many nights crying...and I don't even know why I cry anymore." He stared at his image in the water, watching as it seemed to take on new features. Blonde hair, eyes blue as the ocean.... Tai blinked, and was left staring at his own image again. "Why do I love him so much?" he asked himself, moving his eyes from his reflection to the reflection of the moon on the water. "Why do I feel drawn to him, when all he does is push me away?" Tai pulled off his gloves and stared at his hands, watching as he clenched his fists. And, once again, as he'd been doing for so many nights, he began to cry.
**********
Matt was worried, and for once it wasn't about his brother. For the past few weeks, Tai had been becoming increasingly more quiet and introspective. He began disappearing every night, and when he came back, he always looked so solemn and alone. Everyone tried to pull him out of it, even Izzy, but Tai was brushing them all off. The only one who he even talked to anymore was Kari, and Matt suspected that was more because Kari wouldn't be brushed off than Tai's desire to talk to her. Well, he wasn't going to be brushed off anymore, either.
Matt stood from his place beside the campfire. Joe looked at him. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"I'm going to find Tai. Something has been bothering him, and it's hurting him. We need to know."
Kari looked at Matt, eyes shining. "He won't talk to you," she said. "He won't talk to anyone about it, not even me." She closed her eyes as a tear slipped down her face. Kari bit her lip, as if she was debating telling him something else, but she shook her head and turned away. 'I won't betray his secret, no matter how worried I get,' she thought.
"Someone's got to draw him out-it may as well be me." Matt stalked towards the lake muttering, "as if it wasn't bad enough that our Digimon are missing, now Tai has to go and have problems."
**********
Tai had lost track of the time he had been sitting by the water. It could've been minutes or hours-and he didn't care, either. He looked down at his reflection, studying his eyes reddened from crying. "I'm a failure," he whispered to the night. "I can't even be true to myself, how can I possibly be true to everyone else. Izzy, Joe, Mimi, TK, Sora, Kari, Matt. I can't trust myself, how can they trust me? Kari looks up to me, doesn't she see how worthless I really am? And Matt...." Tai swallowed. "Why did I have to fall in love with the one person who truly can't seem to stand me?" He glared at his reflection, as if angered by its lack of response. "Why do I have to love him?" he shouted. His image mocked him. Tai smashed his fist into the water, disrupting his reflection. He turned his back on the water, pulling his knees to his chest and began to sob anew.
**********
Matt walked along the lakeshore, looking for Tai. As he was beginning to wonder if Tai was even there, he heard the faint sound of crying. Concerned, he followed the sound around a bend, where he saw Tai. He was sitting on a rock, rocking back and forth and sobbing as if his heart was breaking. Matt rushed forward, feeling his own heart break at the sounds. That wasn't ordinary crying-it was the sob of someone who was alone and scared. He should know-he'd cried like that himself.
Tai looked up as he felt someone join him on the rock. Shit. Matt was there, staring at him, eyes filled with worry. "Hey, Tai, what's wrong?"
Tai ignored the question as he stared at the moon and stars. "Isn't it funny," he said, his words sounding distant, "how cold and lonely the stars seem? They're the most beautiful things I've ever seen, but they just hang there, alone. It seems so sad."
"Tai?" Tai looked at Matt, his voice sounded so concerned. "Tai, what's the matter? You're hurting, we all see it. Kari cries because she doesn't know how to help her brother."
"Kari'd be better off without me. You all would."
Matt stared at Tai in shock. "You can't mean that! You're our leader." He leaned over and took Tai's crest in his hand. "You bear the Crest of Courage."
Tai jerked away. He yanked the crest from around his neck and stared at it. "Courage. That seems so wrong." He made as if he was going to throw it away, but he stuffed it into his pocket instead.
"Wrong? You're the bravest person I know."
Tai scoffed. "Sure. When it comes to fighting, no one's braver. But when it comes to feelings, what's in *here*," he touched his chest, "I'm a coward." He turned to look Matt in the eye. "I'm empty, Matt. I'm here in body, but my spirit is trapped. I'm so busy trying to be perfect for everyone else, that I've forgotten who *I* am. And let me tell you, that's a terrifying feeling, to feel so lost. Usually, the only thing a person can be sure of is themselves. I don't even have that."
Matt gazed into Tai's eyes and saw the real fear there. "Look inside you, Tai. The answer's in there somewhere, in your soul."
"Don't you see?" Tai asked, sounding slightly hysterical. "I don't even have my soul anymore. Not all of it. Someone else has it! I had to go and fall in love...." He trailed off, remembering just who he was talking to.
Matt swallowed, suppressing a sudden surge of hope. "In love? That's usually a good thing."
"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" Tai had turned so he was staring out at the water again.
Matt forced his voice to take on a lighthearted tone. "So, who's the lucky person. Sora?" He placed his right hand on Tai's shoulder and crossed the fingers of his left one.
"Sora? God, no. She's a good friend, but she's not for me, not like that."
"Mimi, then? Or maybe some girl back home?"
Tai laughed bitterly. "What makes you think it's a girl?" he asked, then blanched as he realize just what he had said.
Matt blinked. "A guy, hmmm?" His voice was teasing.
Tai jumped up and glared at Matt. "Listen, I don't need you making fun of me on top of everything else! I thought I could trust you-that's why I told you anything! Why did I have to fall in love with you?"
Matt gaped. Tai was so agitated that he hadn't even noticed his slip. "You...*love* me?" he gasped out.
Tai's head whipped around, and his mouth fell open in shock. "Shit! I said that? Oh, no, no...." He turned and ran into the woods, stumbling blindly.
Mat stood and, without even thinking, ran after Tai. "Tai, stop!" he shouted, but Tai kept running. Making a desperate lunge, he tackled Tai to the ground. "Stop running and listen to me!"
"What's there to say?" Tai asked, crying. "I'm an idiot, on top of being a worthless loser. I don't need you to beat me up-I'm doing a fine job of that myself."
"Well, maybe if you'd stand still long enough to listen to me, you'd know why I'm chasing you." He flipped Tai over and straddled his waist.
"Go ahead. Yell at me, hit me, I don't care anymore." He looked up at Matt through eyes that were calm and resigned.
Matt raised his hand and Tai flinched. But, instead of the slap he was expecting, Matt gently caressed Tai's face. "You can be so stupid sometimes," he murmured. "It's a wonder that I love you as much as I do."
"You-you're in love with me?" Tai's reflected the shock he was feeling. "I didn't think you could love me...."
"Yeah, well, I didn't think *you* could love *me*. I mean, I've treated you badly at times."
"Oh, Matt, I think we were both to blame." Tai's eyes closed and his head rolled to the side. "But I don't deserve you. You should go now."
"Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere." He stretched out full-length along Tai, effectively pinning him to the ground. "And neither are you."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because I love you! Because I want to know why you're so convinced you're worthless. Who did this to you?"
Tai looked into Matt's cerulean depths. All he could see there was a desire to help, and a love so deep it took his breath away. "I-I don't know. It's like, I've been feeling like this for a long time now. Sometimes I wonder why we're even here. I know, saving the world and all that, but it just seems so pointless at times. I know I'm not the best person to be leading anyone-I'm too impulsive and not always the most considerate soul-yet, everyone has such faith in me. It just seems so misplaced. And then, when I realized I was falling for you...." Tai broke off and focused his gaze on some point over Matt's shoulder. Matt could see the vacant look in Tai's eyes, and shook his shoulders gently.
"Tai, talk to me. Don't distance yourself-I've been watching you do this for weeks now. Don't shut yourself away."
"Why?" Tai's words were barely a whisper. Matt had to lean in closer to hear him at all. "Why do I bother anymore? It's always the same."
"What's always the same?" Matt was truly worried now. Tai had completely shut himself away, no longer responding. Matt rose and picked Tai up, surprised at how light he'd become-he must've been eating less than anyone thought, carrying him back to camp. Kari looked up at the sound of Matt's approach, and gasped when she saw Tai in Matt's arms.
"Tai!" she cried, running to where Matt had placed him gently down. "Matt, what happened to him?"
"I-I don't know. We were talking-he was telling me what was bothering him, and he just got real distant." Matt was close to crying, something he swore he'd never do in front of anyone.
Kari looked at him, a quick, searching glance, before kneeling next to her brother. "What was he talking about?" she asked, taking Tai's hand in her own and rubbing gently while murmuring comfortingly. Matt stared-it looked like Kari knew what she was doing!
"He was telling me how worthless he felt, and that he was no good for anybody.... Kari, what's wrong with him?"
She looked at him, compassion and pity in her eyes. Instead of answering him she called, "Joe, bring the first aid bag over here." As Joe, who had been on watch, came over, she muttered, "I hope he still has it, I hope he didn't run out."
"Run out of what?" Matt asked as Joe placed the bag next to Kari and knelt down next to her. Businesslike, he began to rummage through the bag, obviously looking for something. "What's going on?" he asked, visibly frustrated. Did everyone know what was wrong with Tai except him?
Joe glanced over his shoulder at Matt. "You didn't know? He's clinically depressed."
Matt gaped. "No, I-I didn't know that."
"Nobody really did," spoke up Kari. She glanced up to make sure that it was only the three of them before continuing. "I knew, because, well, we're family, and Tai told Joe because he carries all the medical supplies. Tai didn't want to be responsible for his medications himself-he was afraid that everyone would hate him if they found out he was on medication for depression." Joe triumphantly pulled out a syringe and a vial, as Kari pulled out a pill bottle. She shook it, frowned, and poured the contents in her hand, counting the pills. "Has he asked you for his medication lately?" she asked Joe.
"Not in about a month or so." Joe shrugged as he filled the syringe. "I asked him about it, but he said he was taking care of it himself. I assumed that meant he was taking it without my knowing. I never thought to check."
Kari pushed up Tai's sleeve, and gasped again, a sound filled with anguish. "I should've known when he started wearing long sleeves," she said with a sigh.
Matt came over to look at what had gotten Kari so upset, and had to gasp himself. Tai's arm was covered in long, shallow slashes. He went to Tai's other side and rolled up that sleeve as well. The same thing. "I can't believe it," he murmured.
Kari's eyes were hard as she took the syringe from Joe. "Believe it," she said curtly, as she plunged the needle into Tai's arm.
The medication had an almost immediate effect. Tai blinked, and his eyes focused on Kari. "Let me guess," he said, voice filled with a heavy sarcasm directed at himself.
"Tai, why weren't you taking your medication?" He opened his moth, but Kari placed a finger over his lips. "And don't tell me that you were rationing it. I know that. But honestly, Tai, don't you know dangerous it is to go a month without medication?"
Tai sat up. "Make that three months."
Kari reeled in shock. So did Joe. "W-what?" asked Joe. "But I had been giving you the pills."
"And I had been replacing them in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep." He shrugged. "I was handling it."
Matt couldn't keep silent. "How?" he spat, grabbing Tai's wrist. "By *cutting* yourself?"
Tai blanched. He had been so focused on Kari that he hadn't even noticed Matt on his other side. "You-you know?" he asked quietly.
"I know. I can't believe you've been hiding it for so long. Why didn't you tell any of us? Didn't you trust us?"
"I trusted you, but face it, depression is one of those things that's not really taken too seriously, especially among people our age. You know, 'its just hormones' and all that. I didn't want to risk losing anyone's respect, especially yours." He lowered his eyes and blushed
Kari looked from Matt to Tai, and understood. "Tai, I think you have to tell everyone now. They deserve an explanation. Besides, if you're not going to look out for yourself, someone has to."
"Fine." Tai sighed. He looked at everyone still sleeping. How had they managed to stay asleep through all this? "I'll tell them in the morning. You should all go to sleep."
Kari and Joe nodded. Joe went back to watch and Kari to bed, but not before Kari made Tai take one of his pills. Matt didn't move. "Aren't you going to go to sleep?" he asked.
"Nope. I don't know if you know this, but what Kari gave me is a strong anti-depressant and stimulant combination. It's supposed to jolt me out of myself, you know, like that trance I was in. The whole point is to wake me up. I can never sleep after one of those things."
"Then I'll stay up with you." Matt laid back and pulled Tai down with him.
"Matt, you should go to sleep. I know I'm not going to be up to leading tomorrow, so someone should be alert."
"We're staying here tomorrow, remember?"
"Oh, yeah."
"Why did you suggest this rest, anyway? That's not like you."
"I knew what was happening to me, Matt. I just didn't care enough to stop it." He looked away from Matt, and, suddenly, Matt *knew*.
"You were planning to kill yourself, weren't you?" Matt asked in a horrified whisper. He turned Tai's face so they were gazing in each other's eyes and saw the truth written there. "I think maybe it's better that I stay awake."
"You might be right there."
"W-what?"
Tai sighed. "Look, the stuff Kari gave me is enough to snap me out of the deepest part of my depression, but it's not a cure. I've been unmedicated for three months now, give or take a couple weeks. I'm not really sure. There are no reserves in my system. I'm not going to be 'fine' for a long time. I'm going to tell you the truth, Matt." Tai's eyes dropped to the ground, then back to Matt's face. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of self-destructive thought. If I were taking my medication like normal, it wouldn't be a problem. But, in case you haven't noticed, there aren't any pharmacies lurking around the Digi-world. I'm on a rationing system as it is, enough to keep me functioning as close to normal as possible."
"Then why did you *stop*?"
"I'm not even sure anymore. My original thought was to try and stretch it out longer, that way I'd use less medication-I mean, who knows how long we'll be stuck here." Tai rolled onto his back and stared at the sky. "After awhile, though, I stopped caring. My darker side was free, and while I hated it, it just seemed like too much effort to stop, to care again."
Matt pulled Tai closer to him. "Please care," he whispered. "Care...I care. I love you, Tai."
Tai smiled. "I think that's one of the few things that could make me care."
"Please, Tai, just promise me one thing. Well, two things, actually."
"Anything I can."
"Be here when I wake up, and try to never give in again."
Tai ran a hand through Matt's blonde hair. "I promise you I'll be here in the morning. And I won't give in as long as I know you love me and I love you."
"Forever," Matt whispered as he gave in to exhaustion and fell asleep. Tai stared at the stars, losing himself in the beauty of the night.
**********
The second the sun rose, Kari was up and hovering over Tai. Tai smiled. Whispering, so as not to disturb Matt, he said, "No need to be so overprotective, Kari."
"Oh, I think there's a need," retorted Kari quietly. "You can't fool me, I know you too well. Why do you do this, Tai? Why did you let yourself go so deep? Usually you catch yourself, but this time...." She trailed off and shook her head.
"I don't know, Kari. I stopped caring somewhere along the way."
"Do you-do you care now?"
Tai sat up and wrapped Kari in a hug. "I'm trying," he said softly, knowing it would be useless to lie to her. "Between you and Matt, I just may have a reason to keep trying."
Kari smiled and wiped away her tears. "So I was right. The way Matt was acting last night, I thought that he loved you. And I know you've been in love with him for awhile now-" She gasped as a thought occurred to her. "That was it, wasn't it? You thought Matt could never love you. That's why you stopped caring!"
"I always know when someone's talking about me." Tai and Kari both jumped at the unexpected intrusion of Matt's voice. His sleepy eyes regarded Tai. "How are you this morning, love?"
"Alive," Tai chuckled. Matt looked taken aback, but Kari giggled.
"Kari? How could you think that was funny?"
"Because, when Tai begins to joke, I know he'll make it. You might not believe this, but dark humor is one of Tai's most effective ways to deal with his depression."
"Hey!" Tai waved his hand in front of Kari's face. "I'm still here, you know."
"I know. Are you still going to tell them?"
Tai sighed, his good humor vanishing. "I suppose so. I just hope they'll forgive me."
"Forgive what?" Sora asked as she sat up and stared at the group. "What's going on? Where did you disappear to last night, Tai?"
"I'll tell you later. When everyone's awake. I don't want to have to do this more than once."
"I'm awake," Izzy grumbled.
"Yeah, who could sleep with everyone chattering," Mimi said as she sat up and stretched. Joe sat up and blinked his agreement.
TK sat up and looked for Matt. He crawled over to his brother and asked, "Why do you look so serious? Is something wrong?"
"Good question," said Mimi. "I'd like to know, too."
Tai sighed. "Fine. Everyone grab some fruit. It's a long story, you might as well eat while I'm talking."
Everyone settled around the fruit that had been left over from the night before. Tai looked at everyone and said, "First, I'd like to apologize for the way I've been acting lately. There was a reason for it, a reason I've been hiding from almost all of you. Only Kari and Joe knew before last night and I had sworn them to secrecy."
Sora placed a hand on Tai's arm. "It's all right. What's the matter?"
Tai sighed and looked at the ground. "I'm clinically depressed. I've been taking medication for it since before we first came to the Digi-world. The whole reason I went to camp was because my parents thought it would cheer me up. Although I almost didn't go-they weren't sure if the should send me without Kari, but they decided it would still be best for me. I've always felt lucky that I had my medications on me when we got transported here-if not, I'd probably be dead by now. One of the first things I did was talk to Joe. I knew that I'd have to be careful about taking the pills or I'd be in a bad way sooner or later. I made him promise that he wouldn't tell *anyone* about me. So I survived our first trip. While we were searching for Kari, I want back to my psychiatrist and convinced him that my pills had gotten lost, so he gave me a new prescription. Thanks to some ingenuity on mine and Kari's part, we managed to doctor the prescription so I got more than was originally prescribed. When we came back, I also made sure that I had some other things as well, which, for the most part, I entrusted in Joe's care, and I also filled him in on the fact that Kari knew as well. Through rationing, I had managed to maintain a balance...until recently."
"What happened?" asked Izzy. Tai looked up in surprise. He hadn't even noticed that Izzy wasn't at his laptop for once.
"I got stupid." Matt muttered something under his breath, and Tai glared at him. "I began to wonder just how long we'd be here and I began to panic about how long my medication would last. I decided to see how far I could stretch the rationing. I began pretending to take my pills-I'd put them back as soon as everyone was asleep. By the time I realized that something was wrong, it was too late. I just didn't care anymore."
Tai rolled up his sleeves. Everyone, with the exceptions of Matt, Kari, and Joe gasped in shock at the slashes on his arms. Matt placed a gentle hand on the marks and smiled at Tai, giving him strength.
Sora grabbed Tai's other wrist and inspected the cuts. "Tai, I can't believe you were doing this to yourself," she whispered sadly. Mimi and Izzy nodded.
"It was the only thing I could think of to do," Tai said, gently extricating himself from Sora's grip. "I had done it before-it was this that tipped off my parents. This time, though, I just hid it better. All that practice."
"But why do you do it?" asked Mimi.
"Well, most people do it when they think they can't feel anything. I, on the other hand, do it to block out feelings. As long as I feel the physical pain, I don't hurt emotionally. To my mind, it seemed logical. I'd been...confused, and I was feeling things that I thought I shouldn't." Tai glanced at Matt and blushed. "Unfortunately, I reached a point where the cutting wasn't helping anymore." Tai looked at everyone, a long, level glance. "I won't lie to any of you-I had been planning on killing myself last night."
Sora cried out in shock. "Oh, Tai..." she whispered, tears falling down her face. "Why?"
"I was feeling worthless and empty. In my mind there was no point in living. Lucky for me, Matt decided that he'd had enough of my isolationist attitude and decided to go find me. He forced me to talk to him, and, well, a whole lot more was revealed that I had planned. So, apparently-I don't really remember this, only waking up-I disconnected from myself in order to stop feeling. Matt carried me back to camp, where Joe and Kari brought me back to myself." Tai began to cry. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry I've been such a rotten leader lately, I-I'm sorry I'm even alive!"
Matt pulled Tai into an embrace. "Don't say that," he hissed. "You said you'd try not to give in. You *promised* me!"
"I-I know, Matt, but it's so hard...." He began to sob on Matt's shoulder.
Kari moved so she was beside them. "Tai, calm down."
"I can't-I want to die, Kari! I let everyone down."
"Tai...." Matt trailed off and looked at Kari helplessly.
"No, you didn't!" Everyone stared in shock at Izzy. He rarely took such a strong stand. "You didn't let *me* down, Tai. You couldn't help it-everyone has their problems. I just wish you'd told us about this sooner."
"So do I." Sora pulled Tai from Matt's arms and into her own. Matt growled softly in sudden jealously-he knew how Sora felt about Tai-hell, everyone except Tai knew. "Why couldn't you trust us?" Sora was genuinely confused.
"I-I was afraid, Sora. I still am. There's not much that's keeping me going right now."
"It's all right," Sora whispered comfortingly. "I'm here for you. Will it help if I tell you how much I love you?"
Matt winced. So did Kari-she knew that this wasn't going to go well at all, and she was afraid that Tai would be the casualty.
Tai drew back from Sora. "Sora, that's...flattering, but, no, it wouldn't help. I'm in love with someone else. I love you as a sister, but not like that."
Sora gasped and looked as if she'd been shot. "Someone...else?" Anger began to appear on her face.
Matt moved hastily to stand between Tai and Sora. Hell hath no fury and all that.... "Sora, calm down," he said, but she was having none of it.
"I can't believe you Tai!" she shouted. Everyone stared at her in shock. First Tai's revelation, and now this? "You mean you've just been leading me on all this time?"
"Sora, you've got to believe me, I never meant to lead you on-I had no idea how you felt!" Tai wiped at the fresh tears that were falling down his cheeks. Absently, he wondered if he'd ever stop crying. "I barely have any idea how *I* feel sometimes."
"Oh, sure, but you have enough of an idea of how you feel to fall in love with someone else!" Sora began to cry as well. Mimi put her arms around Sora, but Sora pushed her away. "Don't touch me, Mimi. *You're* probably the one he's in love with!"
"No, it's me!" Everyone, including Tai, stared at Matt in shock. Matt was pretty surprised himself. All he knew was that he couldn't stand to see Tai be hurt any longer. "Tai loves me, and I love him too, with all my heart." He turned and smiled at TK. "Sorry you had to find out this way, TK. I had meant to sit you down and talk to you."
TK smiled. "It's all right, brother. As long as you're happy."
Sora choked down a sob. "Then, I guess I never had a chance in the first place, not if you love another guy." She gave a tiny smile. "It actually doesn't hurt as bad as it would've if you had loved another girl."
Izzy couldn't help breathing a sigh of relief. "So, does that mean that there'll be no murders today?"
Sora laughed. "Nope, no murders."
Matt looked at Tai, who had kind of been forgotten in the middle of the Sora drama. He was edging away from everyone. "Tai, where are you going?"
Tai stopped. "I-I thought I needed to be alone. I guess I won't be allowed to be alone for awhile."
Kari smirked. "Sure you can be alone." She pushed Matt forward. "As long as someone's with you."
Tai laughed. "That sort of defeats the meaning of 'alone.'"
Matt wrapped his arms around Tai. "Hey, don't knock it. I, for one, don't mind being alone with you." He leaned down and kissed Tai gently. When he pulled back, Tai was blushing-along with the rest of their varied audience.
"Matt," he said, laughing. "Our first kiss, and you had to choose to do it *here*?"
Matt looked up and noticed everyone watching them for the first time. Kari and TK jolted themselves out of their stupor and began hustling everyone else along their business while Matt grabbed Tai's wrist and pulled him towards a secluded section of the woods. Once they were alone, he caressed Tai's face and whispered, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you."
Tai smiled. "You didn't, not really. Actually, I kind of liked you claiming me in front of everyone."
"And now that we're alone?"
"Claim me some more."
Matt grinned. "I like the way you think," he purred as he leaned in to kiss Tai again. His mouth caressed Tai's as his tongue traced the lips under his own. Tai moaned and parted his lips, allowing Matt in. They stood that way, tongues entwined, until Tai ran out of breath. He pulled away from Matt and collapsed, shaky legs refusing to support him.
Matt quickly knelt beside him, the image of concern. "You all right?" he asked, stroking Tai's back.
"Y-yeah." Tai took in a deep breath. "Maybe I'm *too* good." He looked at Matt seriously. "I-Matt, don't take this as an insult, but...I think we need to go slowly."
Matt gently cupped Tai's face in his hands. "I'd never dream of rushing you into anything," he said. "That's the honest truth."
"Good." Tai collapsed against Matt. "Because I don't know if I can handle how good you make me feel-not now, anyway. I still don't think I deserve it-or you."
"Tai...."
"No, listen to me, Matt. I know it makes no sense, but I'm seriously messed up right now. I've been living in darkness-the light is going to blind me unless I adjust to it slowly."
"And I'm the light."
Tai smiled. "The brightest. You're the light that saved me."
Matt sighed and kissed Tai once again. "Well, then, as your light, I decree that you won't be in the dark anymore-not while I'm around."
"Yours forever, Matt. I'm yours forever." Tai clung to Matt, allowing his fears to be soothed by the presence of the one he loved. He wasn't as afraid of himself anymore. He knew that it would be a long time before he'd be completely right again, but here, now, in Matt's arms, Tai realized that he could heal, as long as he had Matt's love.
Matt seemed to hear his thoughts, bending his head to kiss them away. "Always," he whispered.
Safe in each other's arms, the boys rose to begin a new day.
**********
The End