Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Deep As You Go ❯ Bury My Lovely ( Chapter 8 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: What's mine? Just the story.

Author's notes: New chapterage! Nothing much to say about this chapter. Think of it as filler before the next helping of angst. Enjoy ^_^

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"So....Motomiya Daisuke," Dr. Masanori said, leaning back a bit in her chair and holding her pen in between her fingers as if it were a cigarette, "how are you?"

"Uh....okay." Daisuke squirmed impatiently on the couch. After his previous meeting with Ken, he wasn't in the mood to sit still and answer questions.

"Good, good. Are you adjusting well to being back in Japan?"

"Um, yeah, I guess." Daisuke fidgeted and looked at the walls.

"That's nice to hear. How are classes?"

"Fine," Daisuke replied vaguely.

"Good. And your friends? How are they?"

"Uh, same as always, I guess." Daisuke shrugged. "Hikari's still sweet, Takeru's still annoying, Iori's still serious, Miyako's still weird, Ken's still...." He dragged off.

"Still....?" Dr. Masanori prompted.

"He's-he's, um...." Daisuke wasn't sure what to say.

"Is your friend having trouble, Daisuke?" Dr. Masanori asked kindly. Daisuke, his eyes fixed on his feet, didn't notice the sudden intent gleam in her eyes.

"Uh.....no," Daisuke lied, though his tone made the lie obvious

"What is it, Daisuke? You see troubled." Dr. Masanori put on her best caring face. "I may be able to help you. Are you having a fight with your friend, perhaps?"

"Kinda," Daisuke admitted. "I mean, I thought everything would be okay when I got back, you know? I thought everything would be just the way I left it. But...it wasn't. It changed."

"What changed, exactly?"

"Ken." The word was half a longing sigh. "I don't know what happened to him, but he's-he's really mad at me. When Dr. Tsuwari assigned us to work on a project together, he got up and stomped out of class, he was so pissed. He's not acting like himself. He's acting like the K--" Daisuke cut off abruptly.

"Like the what?" Dr. Masanori leaned in closer. "I didn't catch that."

"Uh, nothing," Daisuke said quickly. "And anyway, you don't care about this Ken stuff, right? Don't you wanna ask about my sanity or whatever some more? 'Cause I'm fine, really."

"No, no, I'm very interested in hearing about your friend," Dr. Masanori assured him. "Tell me more. How did you feel when you came back to find your friend different from when you had left him? Did anything spring to mind as to what could be the cause?"

"Not really," Daisuke admitted. "I didn't know he'd be so different. I mean, he used to write me letters and we talked on the phone and he was.....kinda okay..."

"Letters? What sort of letters?"

"Just short stuff," Daisuke said. "He only wrote me ten letters though, all in the first month." He gave a hollow laugh. "Guess I shoulda figured out something was wrong from that, huh?" Yeah, I should've. Stupid, stupid Daisuke.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Dr. Masanori advised. "You couldn't have known things were going wrong. Out of curiosity, do you still have those letters?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, I do. They're in my backpack." Daisuke pointed to his backpack, lying against the wall.

"Really? May I see them?"

"I don't know why I didn't figure out that something was wrong," Daisuke continued, apparently not having heard her. "I should've. Ken's my best friend; I shoulda known there was something up. The letters were really long at first. He told me everything. He told me about his classes and his teachers and even what the weather was like. It was like he didn't want me to forget everything. And I talked with him on the phone, too. And I-I guess it never occurred to me that he wasn't doing any of the talking."

"I see," Dr. Masanori said, writing something down on her notepad, though her eyes kept drifting towards Daisuke's backpack.

"I shoulda seen it," Daisuke repeated to himself. "Why couldn't I tell? He seemed okay when I left. He didn't get mad or look upset or ask me to stay or anything. I-I woulda stayed, if he wanted me to. I know he doesn't like it when anyone goes away, 'cause of the whole thing with Osamu and everything. If he had said something, I woulda stayed. But he didn't. And I-I guess I kinda forgot about him, somehow. It was really exciting, that first month in America. Wallace showed me all this cool stuff, and when I got back to his house all I wanted to do was call Ken and tell him about it. But it never occurred to me until I hung up the phone to ask him about what was going on in his life, in his world. I even wondered if he missed me sometimes. But he never said anything to me. He was just.....quiet." Daisuke suddenly felt a lump in his throat. So what if Ken was quiet? Ken's always been quiet. I could just read him before. I knew what was wrong before he opened his mouth. I just knew. I was the only one who could read him like that. I was so happy about it, 'cause if he was sad and no one noticed, I could cheer him up. I-I like protecting him. I remember when we defeated him when he was the Kaiser and he broke down in the middle if the Digital World and I felt bad. I never wanted to see him like that again, 'cause he was my best friend and I wanted to see him smile. So how'd I miss the problem this time? Is-is this really all my fault? Because I didn't see what was wrong, and I should've? I always knew. But sometime last year I lost him. I lost him and I.... Daisuke swallowed hard, feeling tears well up inside him and willing them down. And I don't know how to get him back.

"Daisuke? Are you all right?" Dr. Masanori's voice snapped him out of his reverie.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine," Daisuke said quickly. "I was just...thinking and stuff."

"I see. Now, about your friend Ken...can you pinpoint when his behavior took a turn? Perhaps by using his letters?"

"Not really." Daisuke shrugged. "Kinda. They got shorter and shorter, and then they just stopped. I wrote him myself a few times after that, but he never replied. I-I didn't really even notice the first time around how short his letters were getting. I just...." He trailed off.

"Hmm. Do you think I could see those letters?"

"Why would you want to...." Understanding hit Daisuke like a cement truck as Ken's words came back to him.

"I know what that damn woman wants with you. It's just like with the others. And you'll tell her all she wants to know, more even. I can tell by those damn honest eyes of yours."

"You just wanted to ask me about him!" Daisuke jumped to his feet. "That's why I'm here! It's because of Ken!"

Dr. Masanori seemed surprised at his sudden outburst, but she recovered quickly.

"Well, yes, I do admit that I had an ulterior motive in bringing you here," she admitted. "But you must understand, it was all with the best of intentions." She gave Daisuke a serious look. "Your friend is very ill, Daisuke. I'm certain of it. However, there's nothing I can do for him until I figure out exactly what's wrong. He's very quiet, very recalcitrant. I can't get any answers out of him, and half the time I doubt he's even listening to me when I talk to him. So I turned to you and your friends for that."

"Why?" Daisuke asked. "I mean, you had to know Ken would get even madder if you called us in."

"It was the only way," Dr. Masanori said dismissively. "Would you rather I give up on him altogether? Because I'm about two steps away from doing that. I've been working with him for months, trying to coax even the barest bit of information from him to no avail. The more I push, the more he resists. Your friend is a very unique person, Daisuke. Even his face betrays no emotion. Every time I feel like I'm getting close to a breakthrough, he pulls away again. Can you blame me, then, for trying to garner my information another way?'

"But-but you should've told me that in the first place!" Daisuke argued. "I-I would've-"

"Told me everything?" Dr. Masanori stared intently at him. "Will you tell me everything, Daisuke? His reaction when I spoke your name was the most emotion I've seen from him in a long time. I'm certain that you hold the key to what is troubling him. Will you tell me all I need to know?"

"I.....I...." Daisuke trailed off. I should help her. I could show her how the letters change, and tell her about his weird behavior lately. Then maybe she could help Ken and I could-what? Let her do it all and leave until Ken was better? I can't do that! I want to help him. I want him to tell me what's wrong. And-and- Ken's words suddenly echoed through his head.

"You'll betray me again, the way the others did. It's nothing less than I expected."

"No," Daisuke said, barely aware that he was speaking aloud. "I won't."

"You won't?" Dr. Masanori couldn't hide her obvious surprise. "Daisuke, I don't think you understand. Your friend needs help."

"Then I'll help him." Daisuke stood and grabbed his backpack as he headed towards the door.

"Motomiya-san." He paused in the doorway as the therapist's stern voice called after him. "You understand that it's too much for you to handle, don't you? That by helping you will likely make things worse?"

Daisuke didn't answer for a moment, his eyes fixed on the ground.

"I can help him. You have to know that."

"I-I'm sorry," Daisuke said, very quietly.

"What was that?" Dr. Masanori leaned forward.

"I'm sorry," Daisuke repeated. "But I-I just can't betray him like that. I can't. And-and I know it's stupid but....I just can't. I'm sorry." With that, he quickly ducked his head and left the room, his final words echoing behind him.

"I'm sorry."

~~~

When Ken got back to his room, Wormmon was gone. The fact both soothed him and troubled him. If the Digimon was gone, then he wasn't there to torture Ken with the words of a conscience. But his absence also served to enhance Ken's belief that his hallucinations had become solid.

"Precious illusions, eh, my dear?" The Kaiser was lying on Ken's bed, smoking a cigarette. "Hold on to them while you can. Little slut."

"Leave me alone," Ken muttered, leaning on his desk. "It has to be a dream. It has to be. I couldn't have kissed him."

"Don't sound so upset," the Kaiser admonished. "The little brat isn't a half bad kisser. And of course, you'll attach yourself to anything that's willing."

"Shut up!" Ken slammed his hands down on the desk. "I couldn't have kissed him. I couldn't have been that drunk, to-to let myself go like that."

"Accept it, darling. You're nothing but a whore."

"I said, shut up!" Ken's voice was ragged. "I need to think. I-I need to figure this out logically. There's no way I could've--" He lowered his head into his hands. "I couldn't have kissed him. If I kissed him, then-then he has to know that I--that I once--" Ken shook his head. "How could I be so stupid?"

"Do you want the short answer or the long?" The Kaiser grinned wickedly and blew smoke in Ken's face. "Don't look so upset. Your dear Daisuke is nothing but an idiot. A boy with all the brains of a roasted tadpole. He won't figure out anything that you haven't told him yourself." The Kaiser rose from the bed and draped a hand around Ken's shoulders. "You know what he's doing now, don't you? Betraying you. Will you love a traitor?"

"I don't love him!" Ken snapped.

"Don't you?" The Kaiser laughed. "Then you're as stupid as he is. I know where your feelings lie." He touched Ken's chin and forced the other boy took at him. "That's why I have to break you, love. Because until I cut that length of red thread that holds you two together, you can't be wholly mine. That's what I want, you see. Nothing less than you yourself, even if I must blacken your heart beyond the telling to do it." He leaned in and kissed Ken hungrily. "And I will have you. You'll hate him with all that's left of your soul when I'm done."

"Go away!" Ken turned and aimed a blind punch at the Kaiser, who caught his fist easily.

"Not anymore, pet. You don't have the strength to banish me anymore. I am the master now."

"Just--just be quiet," Ken said. "I don't want to hear this."

"Of course you do. If you truly didn't want me, I wouldn't be here. This is all your doing. All your fault."

"All my fault," Ken repeated. He laughed bitterly. "Of course it is. It's always all my fault. All of this....it's all because of me."

"And the kiss....that was your fault too. Little fool that you are, you thought you could control yourself. If you weren't such fun to toy with, I would've killed you for that alone."

"I know.....I know it was my fault..." Ken lowered his eyes and caught sight of the bottom drawer.

I told him about the knife too, didn't I? I almost remember. I wonder if it's still there. If he cares so much, has he left me my one last chance at escape?

Carefully, Ken reached down and opened the drawer. The Kaiser eyed him over his shoulder, but made no move to stop him as Ken took stock of the contents.

The crest of kindness was what first caught his eye, almost mocking him.

Kindness...what a joke. An utter lie. There's no such thing as kindness, or at least if there is, it doesn't exist inside me. There's nothing inside me. I don't know why I even kept it. Why keep something that's meaningless? I should have thrown it away long ago.

"Be certain to keep that," the Kaiser purred suddenly. Ken started in surprise, then realized that the Kaiser meant the whip.

The only other object in the drawer was the letter. Ken tentatively reached for it, carefully examining the seal. It was unbroken. Ken breathed a sigh of relief.

He didn't touch it. At least there's that. But the knife is gone. Ken's eyes narrowed. I don't know where I'll find another one. But I suppose that's why I took a room on the second floor. There's always the window, if ever I really need it.

"What about that?" The Kaiser pointed to the letter, his nose wrinkled in disgust. "You don't want that filthy thing, pet. It's a relic and a lie. You don't need it."

"But I--"

"What use could you have for an unsent letter and the lie it contains? I have forbidden you those feelings, precious. Get rid of it and you sever the connection further."

"I--I don't want to," Ken admitted, holding the letter close to his chest. "Why should I? It's mine, too, like all the rest." He didn't quite know why he was so adamant about keeping the letter. He just knew that his chest tightened up at the thought of tossing it away.

"Don't be an idiot. If it wasn't for your foolish letter and your foolish attraction, you wouldn't be here. And besides, what if your precious Daisuke gets a hold of it, hmm? A letter is easily resealed. Perhaps he already read it. Wouldn't that be a pretty thing to tell that damn woman about? Perhaps he's doing it now, describing his perverse little friend and his sick illusions."

"He--he wouldn't." Ken smiled slightly. "He's not me. He's too pure to read something like this, something private. He wouldn't read something not meant for him."

"Ah, but it was meant for him," the Kaiser reminded him. "Your faith is sickening, my dear. Perhaps I should leave you to him. I'll have fun watching him snap your soul in two when he's sick of you."

Ken was silent, staring at the letter. Finally, he spoke.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Burn it. Tonight. Leave nothing but ashes."

"And then...."

"Then forget." The Kaiser smirked and captured Ken's lips in a kiss. "Forget all of it and surrender wholly to me. Let my spirit be your own and leave nothing but his ashes in your memory."

Ken nodded slowly, his eyes downcast.

"Tonight, then."

~~~

The sun had been down for about an hour when Ken exited his dorm. He had the letter folded up inside his coat pocket, hidden from sight. Checking to be sure that no one was about, Ken slipped around the building to the back, leaning against a trash can as he lit a cigarette.

"Go on," the Kaiser urged, suddenly appearing beside him. "Don't you want to watch it burn?"

"Give me a moment," Ken said. "I don't want anyone to catch me."

"Why not?" The Kaiser shrugged. "Burn it, darling. Then you can let him go at last."

"R-right." Ken nodded. Bringing the cigarette to his lips, he took a puff then placed the burning end next to a dirty notebook lying in the trash. The paper immediately caught fire.

"You'll need more than that," the Kaiser stated. Ken nodded.

"I know." He put out the cigarette and pulled out his lighter, starting a small flame. Then he dropped the lighter into the trash can and stood back as flames began to shoot up from inside.

"That's it," the Kaiser urged. "The flames are warm, aren't they, love? Perhaps we should just let it burn forever. We might be able to burn the entire building down. That could prove interesting."

"I'm not trying to set the entire place on fire!" Ken argued. "It's just one small letter."

"It's a lot of fire for one letter," the Kaiser remarked. "You'd like to, wouldn't you? To watch it all burn. Look at the ground, littered with old papers and cardboard boxes. If you tipped over the garbage can, perhaps you could start a nice fire back here. Then we could lie back and watch everything be consumed in smoke. You'd like it."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Of course you would. I would, and so you have to. Destruction is always sweet, my dear, be it fire or ice." He leaned forward, whispering in Kens' ear. "I've always expected the world to end in fire. I'm quite fond of sweeping away the ashes."

"You don't want me to burn the dorm down," Ken said dryly. "Then we wouldn't have a bed. And your stupid whip would be destroyed with everything else."

"I can always get a new whip," the Kaiser said dismissively. "And who says we even need a bed?"

Ken decided to ignore him and pulled the letter out of his coat. He glanced down at it, then at the fire.

"Go on," the Kaiser urged. You don't need it. An unsent letter is only useful as ashes."

"Right." Steeling himself, Ken held the letter over the fire. The corner began to burn.

"Hey! Who's there?" A voice cut across the darkness.

"Run, you fool!" the Kaiser ordered seconds before he disappeared. Ken didn't even need to hear him. He darted around the opposite side of the building just as a member of campus security appeared.

"You, stop!" Ken heard the guard's voice, but he didn't stop. He ran around to the front of the hall and dashed inside.

"He won't follow you," the Kaiser remarked, reappearing by the stairwell. "He's got to deal with that fire."

"So? I think he might have seen me." Ken glared at the Kaiser. "All I need is to be arrested for an arson attempt. And I can just imagine what that damn woman would have to say about my sudden pyromaniac tendencies."

"Don't be such a worrier, darling," the Kaiser said. "We can always burn it tomorrow."

Ken didn't bother to reply as he headed up the stairs to his room. Through the open window he could hear the sounds of a growing crowd outside. He walked over to the window and peered out.

There was a group of students crowded near the side of the building, being shooed away by security. By the large amounts of smoke Ken could guess that the fire hadn't been put out yet.

"Damn nuisance," the Kaiser growled behind him. Ken looked at him curiously, and the apparition pointed into the crowd. "There."

Ken's eyes followed where the Kaiser pointed. Standing on the outskirts of the crowd were Takeru and Daisuke.

"Daisuke...." Ken breathed. Just at that moment, Daisuke's head snapped up and their eyes met. Ken held the gaze steadily.

Don't look away....he'll know how weak you are if you look away...

A minute passed and Ken broke the gaze, stepping away from the window and lowering the blinds.

Why did he show up here? Ken thought. He's drawn to me still. And--and somehow I can't get away from him. No matter how hard I try to avoid him, he won't leave me alone. No matter how much I try to hate him...

Almost unconsciously he removed the letter from its envelope. One side was slightly burned away from where he had burned the corner of the envelope, but it was still intact. Ken felt his eyes sting as he read the first few words.

Impulsively, he crumpled the letter and threw it in a corner.

"No," Ken said deliberately, his voice frozen. "It's a lie. You are nothing to me now.

Nothing at all."

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Another chapter down. The next one's coming eventually.