Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Deep As You Go ❯ Now I Lay Me Down ( Chapter 9 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I own no one. Don't bother suing me, all you'll get is an unopened bag of M & M's and a possessed stuffed Gomamom.

Author's Notes: New chapter, and fairly quickly too. Go me! I'm glad everyone liked the last chapter, I wasn't too sure about it. So thank you everyone for the reviews, because this thing would never get finished without them (I'm a feedback whore. Reviews, e-mails, anything. Fear me.) A slight warning, near the end of this chapter things get slightly disturbing (I mean, moreso than usual.) Just FYI in case you want to skim that part. Otherwise, enjoy :)

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"Ken, stop looking at the door. I'm not letting you leave early again." Dr. Masanori sighed, looking rather put-upon. Hours after the disastrous session with Daisuke, she had gotten a call about the trashcan fire near Akai Hall. The security guard had apparently seen someone who looked similar to Ken fleeing the scene, and she had agreed to have a session with him to see if he had anything to do with it.

It would have been easier to get answers out of a lump of coal.

"This is pointless," Ken said crossly. "I told you, I had nothing to do with that fire. I didn't even know there was one until those damn security guards knocked on my door accusing me. They don't even have any proof. It's just easiest to blame things on the mentally disturbed kid." Ken smiled bitterly. "Isn't that right, doctor?"

"You're not being used as a scapegoat, Ken." Dr. Masanori gave him a stern look. "The guard on duty saw someone thin wearing a coat like the one you always wear. If it was you--"

"It wasn't," Ken said succinctly. "There are plenty of people who wear coats like this. You just wanted an excuse to dig around in my head some more."

"That's the way, pet. Tell that damn woman to go to hell and we can get back to more important things." Ken's muscles tensed slightly at the sound of the Kaiser's voice. The Kaiser had never before accompanied him into a therapy session, but, try as he might, Ken couldn't get rid of him. It made things much more difficult, as the Kaiser was lying beside him on the couch, half draped over Ken's body and whispering in his ear.

"Ken..." Dr. Masanori sighed. "I don't know how you expect me to leave you alone when everything you say tells me you need my help more than ever. I'd be much more open to believing your innocence if you weren't so evasive."

"I'm not being evasive," Ken said. "I'm just telling you all that's important. I didn't start any fire. Why do you insist on hearing all the details of what I was doing at the time? I thought you were a therapist, not a police officer."

"What were you doing?" Dr. Masanori asked. "I can't just take your word for it, Ken. You know that."

"You know nothing," Ken spat. "I was in my room. Alone. Do you really need anything more than that?"

"What were you doing in your room?"

"Getting mindfucked," the Kaiser whispered, laughing. Ken ignored him.

"Homework." He shrugged. "Do you need to see that as well, doctor? I'm sure you could read all manner of psychoses just by observing my quadratic equations."

"You don't need to be so sarcastic." Dr. Masanori shook her head, then tried another tactic. "All right. Since you had nothing to do with the fire, do you know who did?"

"Don't be stupid," Ken said. "Why would I know anything? I didn't know about the fire until I saw the crowd gathering outside."

:"I thought you said the police told you," Dr. Masanori said, jumping on his mistake.

"Nosy bitch," the Kaiser grumbled, kissing Ken's neck. "Hurry it up, love. Once this is done we can go somewhere more private."

"I didn't know the specifics until the police showed up," Ken lied glibly. "I saw a crowd gathering and I saw smoke, but I didn't know that it was a trashcan fire until they told me."

"I see." Dr. Masanori chewed on her pen and was silent for a few moments, observing Ken. He stared coldly back at her. "You know this game of yours is pointless, Ken. You're not doing a very good job of hiding what you feel."

"Don't try to bluff me, doctor," Ken retorted. "I'd say I'm hiding things quite well, wouldn't you?"

"So you are hiding something." Dr. Masanori smiled, feeling as if she had at least scored a minor victory.

"Oh yes, enjoy your cleverness," Ken scoffed. "You already knew I haven't been telling you everything."

"And damned if you ever do," the Kaiser added.

"And damned if I ever do," Ken finished.

"You can't keep this up Ken. Something's going to give before too long." Dr. Masanori's manner changed swiftly from kindly and calm to stern. "I can help you. You know that, you're just too damn stubborn to listen to me."

"Tut, tut, such language," the Kaiser admonished.

"Should you be using such language in front of your patient?" Ken asked, smiling slightly.

"If it would get you to listen, I'd swear like a sailor," Dr. Masanori said. "You always have to be difficult, don't you?"

"Yes, I'm sure it would be much easier if I just spilled everything like the rest of the weak-willed sops you have coming in here," Ken and the Kaiser said together.

"It would be better for you if you were," the therapist stated.

"Ooh, she's threatening us." The Kaiser laughed. "Worthless woman."

"Are you threatening us, doctor?" Ken asked mildly.

"Us?" Dr. Masanori raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Ken looked suddenly like a rabbit in the middle of a busy highway.

"You just said, 'threatening us." Dr. Masanori looked at him intently.

"Slip of the tongue," Ken said. "A simple mistake."

"Really?" Dr. Masanori regarded him intently. "Has this slip happened before?"

"Why do you care?" Ken would've rolled over so as not to look at her, but the Kaiser's presence made it impossible. He was currently nibbling on Ken's ear.

"Ken...." Dr. Masanori sighed, rubbing her temples. "I don't understand why you won't listen to me. You're a smart enough kid. Can't you see that you can't fight whatever it is you're fighting alone?"

"How do you know?" Ken challenged. "You're not me. You can't understand me. No one understands me, no matter how much they like to act as if they do." Like Daisuke, for instance. "I can handle things myself."

"If you can handle things yourself, then why does it seem like you're self-destructing in front of me?" Dr. Masanori countered. "You may not say anything, Ken, but I've been having sessions with you since last year. I can see you've gotten thinner."

"So? What has that to do with anything?" Ken smiled darkly. "Looking to add anorexia to that growing list of problems you attribute to me? I know you've got one. In your desk, perhaps? A little list entitled 'The Million Psychoses of Ichijouji Ken.'"

"Yes, very funny." Dr. Masanori glared at him. "That little mask of yours is going to crack someday."

"If it does, I assure you that you won't be there to see it," Ken replied.

"Is that a threat?"

"Do you want it to be?" Ken gazed at her out of vacant eyes.

There was a long silence. Finally Dr. Masanori shook her head.

"This isn't healthy, Ken. If you'd let me help I could--"

"You could what? Fix me? Make it all better?" Ken's lip curled. "I think you're the one who doesn't understand, doctor. You don't have the skill to help me, even if I would let you."

"How can you know that?" Dr. Masanori challenged.

"Because she's an idiot," the Kaiser sneered.

"Because you're an idiot," Ken stated.

"Being rude isn't going to get you out of here any faster, Ken," Dr. Masanori said, undaunted.

"Why do you persist in continuing this session anyway?" Ken challenged. "I told you, I had nothing to do with the fire. Besides," Ken added, his eyes narrowing, "didn't you get all the answers you need out of Daisuke?"

There was another long silence as Ken's question sunk in.

"So. You know about that." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes, doctor, I know about that. You've been dipping into my affairs again." Ken repositioned himself slightly to allow the Kaiser better access to his neck, which was currently being kissed. "I'm sure he told you all sorts of wonderful things."

"Actually, I think you'll be interested to know that he told me nothing at all."

Ken started in visible surprise. The Kaiser ran his tongue down the side of Ken's neck and brought him back to his senses.

"She's lying."

"You're lying," Ken scoffed. "That idiot probably told you everything you needed and more. He had to have betrayed me, just like the rest of them."

"I assure you, I'm being perfectly truthful." Dr. Masanori shook her head. "I tried my best to get him to talk, I admit. But he refused to say anything."

Ken stared at her, suddenly unsure. He hadn't been prepared to hear that.

Then--then he didn't betray me? He didn't tell her anything...why? I thought--the way he was acting, I thought he would've wanted to tell her everything. Why? Why didn't he betray me? Doesn't he understand? Doesn't he know how much harder this makes things?

How much harder it makes it for me to hate him?

"I see that gets a reaction," Dr. Masanori observed. "Is it really such a surprise, Ken? Is there a reason you were so certain that he would, as you put it, 'betray' you?"

"My reasons are my own," Ken growled and turned away, only to find himself face to face with the Kaiser.

"Don't listen to her," the Kaiser purred. "Since when has she ever told you the truth? It's all a part of her scheme to get you to talk. Your dear Daisuke probably told her all of your secrets, and then told her to formulate a lie because he knew how it would affect you. Don't fall so easily into her trap."

"But--but--" Ken said, too softly for Dr. Masanori to hear. "But he--"

"Don't be so weak. Can you really believe anything that damn woman says? She'd do anything to get inside your precious little head. Do you think a lie is beneath her? You put too much faith in her word. Or is it, perhaps, that you put too much faith in your darling Daisuke?"

Ken closed his eyes and shook his head desperately.

"Don't listen to her, pet. There's nothing she can do to you. She knows nothing of the truth. But we do, don't we, love?" The Kaiser took Ken's head in his hands and kissed him lovingly. "Yes, we know the truth. She's a lying little rodent, and Daisuke is no more than a pathetic traitor. They're all against you. You understand that, don't you? I'm the only one who cares for you. You haven't forgotten that, have you?"

"Ken? Are you all right?" Dr. Masanori leaned in closer, and Ken abruptly stood.

"I'm leaving."

"This session isn't done yet, Ken," Dr. Masanori reminded him sternly.

"Then try and stop me." Ken gave her a challenging stare. The Kaiser walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around Ken's waist.

"Mmm...that's the way. You know how I hate it when you act weak. You don't have to listen to a word she says. What can she do to you?"

"Ken--" Dr. Masanori started, but Ken had already pulled open the door.

"I won't be coming back," he said harshly. "I don't need to listen to you. You can't do anything for me, not now. I'm too far in."

With that, Ken left, the Kaiser walking along beside him.

~~~

"Daisuke, stop that. Being miserable isn't going to do Ken any good." Takeru turned around in his chair to glance at Daisuke, who had been lying on his stomach atop his bed for the past hour, staring at the walls.

"It's not like there's anything else that I can do," Daisuke grumbled. "Every time I talk to him, it just makes things worse."

"You just need to keep trying. I'm sure you'll get through to him eventually."

"How do you know?" Daisuke muttered. "Right now it just looks like I'm ruining things all over again." And he kissed me. What am I supposed to do about that? I can't just forget it. He kissed me! And...and it almost felt nice.

"You just need to stay optimistic," Takeru said comfortingly. "It's not going to help Ken if you start getting depressed too. What happened, anyway? You've been acting upset since we got back from the party a few days ago?"

"It's nothing." Daisuke sighed and rolled onto his back. "I just had a talk with that therapist lady. She wanted to talk to me about Ken."

"She did?" Takeru raised an eyebrow, then shrugged. "I guess I should've figured that's what she'd try to do. She called all of us in last year."

"What?" Daisuke leaned over the bed. "Did you tell her anything?"

"Well....yeah." Takeru suddenly looked vaguely guilty. "We thought it would help. I mean, you weren't there, and he wouldn't listen to any of us. I hoped that the therapist would be able to do something. She's a professional, after all."

"Hmmph. I didn't like her very much," Daisuke said. "She tried to trick me into telling her about Ken."

"You didn't tell her anything?" Takeru looked surprised. "Daisuke..."

"I know, I know! It was stupid of me. But I just....I just couldn't do that to him." Daisuke turned his miserable gaze back on the walls. Takeru stared at him for a second, then sighed, a slight smile forming.

"Don't be so upset. I understand, sort of." Takeru turned back to the computer. "You wanted to help him yourself, that's all. And for what it's worth, I think you have a better chance of doing so than that therapist does."

There was silence behind him. Then Daisuke spoke, his voice subdued.

"You think?"

"Sure." Takeru glanced back at him. "He always trusted you, Daisuke. You were the one who was closest to him. If he's going to listen to anyone, it'll be you."

There was another silence before Daisuke nodded.

"Yeah...maybe you're right. Thanks, Takeru."

"Don't mention it."

There was a scuffling noise beneath the bed and Wormmon suddenly emerged, looking tired and strained.

"Wormmon! Where've you been?" Daisuke jumped off the bed onto the floor. "I was looking for you yesterday morning."

"I....I went to see Ken-chan," Wormmon admitted.

"Alone?" Takeru asked, and Wormmon nodded.

"What is it, Wormmon?" Daisuke questioned nervously. He didn't like the look on Wormmon's face.

"He--he--" Wormmon burst into tears. "He's hurt, Daisuke! I could see it. He didn't even seem to know me. He--he thought that he was imagining me. And then he got mad and--and he kicked me. And then he ran away. I think I scared him away." He sniffled. "I don't understand what's happened to him. It's--it's like he's broken. He's gotten worse since the last time he visited me."

"Broken..." Daisuke nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Wormmon. I should've warned you."

"We have to help him, Daisuke," Wormmon said. "I don't want to see him like that again. I want him to be happy."

"So do I." Daisuke nodded. "But I don't know what to do! You guys keep expecting me to perform some miracle and make things better! And--and I don't know how! What am I supposed to do when he won't even talk to me?"

"You can't give up," Takeru said.

"I know." Daisuke put a hand to his head. "I know that, but I'm not sure what else I can do. Every time I try to talk to him, things get worse. I think I'm getting through to him and then I slip up and say something wrong and everything's messed up again."

"Calm down," Takeru said. "It won't help him if you get worked up like this, Daisuke."

"Yeah, I know, but..." Daisuke trailed off, then shook his head. "I-I'm gonna go for a walk, okay? I need to think." Without waiting for any sort of answer, Daisuke grabbed his coat and left.

~~~

Ken wandered the campus, his eyes lowered. The sun was setting, and he hadn't been back in his room since before the session with Dr. Masanori. Part of him simply didn't want to go back into the small, lonely room, and the other part of him was worried that the therapist might have gone so far as to call security to take him from his room by force.

"Do you think she'd do that?" Ken whispered to his constant companion. "Do you think she'd really have me tied up and taken to a mental institute or a hospital, all because I walked out?"

"She probably would," the Kaiser stated. "That damn woman is too nosy for her own good. She needs to be taught a lesson."

"I don't want to do anything to her," Ken said. "I'll just try to avoid her. They can't force me to go to see her, can they? I have rights. They can't tie me down and drag me away against my will, can they?"

"Let them try," the Kaiser purred. "We'll tear them apart if they do. You know that I can. I saved you against those boys that attacked you last year, didn't I? You were ready to let them pound you into nothing until I took control and showed you what to do."

"I know...." Ken lowered his head. "I know. You'll protect me, right? If anything bad happens, you promised you'd protect me."

"Of course, darling," the Kaiser said, stroking Ken's hair. "You leave everything to me. I'll make things better. I'll crush them all for you. Won't that be nice? To watch everything be destroyed. Certainly much better than me being forced to watch you slink about in your bedroom, crying like a baby bereft of his favorite toy. I can give you the strength that you so obviously lack. Because I love you. Remember that, precious. I love you. I, and I alone."

Ken nodded morosely, his eyes fixed on his feet.

"Maybe it would be better if she did send me to a mental institute. Strap me to a bed and pump drugs into my body. Then everything might be quiet....and I wouldn't have to feel. I'm so tired of feeling."

"Don't be like that, love," the Kaiser admonished. "Feeling is wonderful thing. Feeling hate, for example, can invigorate you. That's all you need. Someone to hate. Then you could let that hate burn every atom of your being, firing you up so that you could be so much more to me than what you are now..."

Ken opened his mouth to reply when the Kaiser suddenly pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him. "Shh. Look there."

Ken peered cautiously around the corner of the building he stood next to. Walking along a few feet away, oblivious to Ken's presence, was Daisuke. Ken stifled a gasp.

"Isn't this a lucky opportunity? Let me take things over for now, pet. I assure you, when I'm done, you'll feel the hatred boil beneath your skin like magma."

Daisuke was lost in thought. He wanted to help Ken, and he knew that everyone expected him to. But he didn't know what to do. It seemed like nothing he ever did or said was the right thing.

But I can't give up, he thought. I can't let myself do that. I can't let Ken down. He reached under his coat and touched the knife strapped inside. He needed to dispose of it, but he wasn't sure how or where. His first impulse had been to throw it away, but he was worried that if he did, someone might find it and start asking questions. If he just left it somewhere, someone might see him leave it. Worse yet, if he simply left it somewhere or threw it away, Ken might find it again. And there was no way Daisuke was going to let Ken get his hands on it again.

"Daisuke." He glanced up as someone called his name.

"Yeah? Who's there?" Daisuke looked around.

"Over here, idiot." Daisuke whirled around to see Ken leaning against a building. Daisuke thought there was something strange about his eyes.

"Ken? What are you doing out here?"

"Taking in the night air." Ken smiled. "Come here."

"Why?" Even as he voiced the question, Daisuke took a step towards Ken.

"I want to....talk to you. You wanted me to talk, didn't you?"

"Well....yeah, but I didn't think you wanted to." Daisuke inched towards Ken, who was already turning as if to walk away.

"If you don't want me to talk anymore I won't." He turned his head to look at Daisuke, a strange glint in his eyes. "I'd be mute for you if you wished it."

"I don't get it," Daisuke said. "I thought you didn't like me anymore. You were always telling me to go away."

"I changed my mind." Ken inched further into the shadows, and Daisuke followed him. When Daisuke was only a few steps away from him, Ken whirled suddenly and grabbed him by the collar of his coat, pulling him into a kiss.

Daisuke felt his brain whirl in confusion as Ken's lips met his. The other boy held him caught for a long moment before breaking away.

"K-Ken, I...." Daisuke couldn't find the words. His mind was still filled with the memory of Ken's lips on his.

"Didn't you want that?" Ken asked mildly, leaning against the side of the building. He licked his lips. "You certainly seemed to like it."

"I--I--" Daisuke stuttered. What do I say? This isn't like Ken at all. He's so....different from before. What does he want me to say to that?

"Mmm...you're a good kisser," Ken said, smirking. "Even if you are...a fool." He reached forward and touched Daisuke's chin. "Yes, you liked it, didn't you? Just like before. Didn't you enjoy it?"

"I--Maybe--I mean, I guess." Daisuke looked down, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "It--it was kinda nice. I--I mean--that is--" His voice trailed off.

"Don't deny it, my 'darling.'" Ken's tone was almost mocking. "You want me, don't you? I can see it in those lovely little eyes of yours." He moved forward, and Daisuke suddenly found himself pressed up against the wall.

"K-Ken--" Daisuke gulped. "Ken, you're starting to scare me a little..."

"Yes...I like that..." Ken leaned forward to whisper in Daisuke's ear, one of his hands moving underneath Daisuke's jacket. "Seeing you squirm is so delicious..."

Daisuke barely had time to gasp before Ken snatched the knife out of his jacket and, in one swift movement, whirled Daisuke around and pinned him so that his face was to the wall and Ken's knife was at his throat.

"Little thief," Ken hissed, his body pressing Daisuke's closer against the wall. "Thought you could take this from me, didn't you?"

"Ken--Ken, what are you doing?" Daisuke could almost hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. What's wrong? This--this isn't Ken. This can't be Ken.

"I don't know," Ken murmured. His free hand snaked forward, unzipping Daisuke's jeans. Daisuke froze. "Don't move, dear. I wouldn't want to cut you on accident."

"I--Ken, this isn't you!" Daisuke gulped. "I know it's not you."

"You know nothing." Ken's tone was biting. His hand slipped under Daisuke's boxers, stroking his cock. Daisuke shuddered at the touch, and Ken smiled. "Do you fear me, Daisuke?"

"Ken--Ken, stop this!" Daisuke swallowed again, his throat dry. Ken's hand encircled his cock, squeezing slightly. Daisuke bit back a whimper of pain.

No no this isn't right this isn't Ken this can't be Ken!

"Ken, you're not yourself," Daisuke said, trying desperately to keep calm. "I know this can't be you. You would never do something like this."

"You're a fool to think that," Ken scoffed. "I could kill you right now, you know that. I could do worse. You're at my mercy now." Ken squeezed Daisuke's cock and the other boy cried out in pain. "Yes, scream. I love to hear that. Scream and beg me not to touch you. Not to get inside you. Hate me with all the fire you have."

"I--I won't," Daisuke said. "I don't care what you do to me, Ken. I won't hate you."

"You lie," Ken growled, laying the sharp edge of the knife right next to Daisuke's throat. "You'll hate me when I'm done. I'll make you do whatever I want and then I'll kill you, you understand? And you'll die hating me."

"I won't," Daisuke shot back. He was trembling slightly. "I-I'm sorry, Ken. I can't hate you. I know you're not yourself. The Ken I know wouldn't do this. And I'm not going to give up now or else I'll never get that Ken back."

There was a soft gasp from behind him and the knife moved forward ever so slightly. Ken's grip on Daisuke's cock loosened, and Daisuke couldn't repress a slight whimper at the feel of Ken's hand.

"I won't give up on you," Daisuke repeated. "And I won't hate you, Ken. Don't you get it? You're the one person that I can't hate."

There was a long, tense moment, and then Ken's hand removed itself from Daisuke's pants. The knife fell silently to the ground. Hesitantly, Daisuke turned.

"Ken..."

But Ken was already gone, running blindly away from the alley into the darkness.

"Ken!" Daisuke took a step to follow him, then stopped as the enormity of what had just happened hit him and he realized that he was shaking like a leaf. As Daisuke dropped to his knees, he began to sob quietly, alone in the dark.

~~~

"I'm leaving!" Ken kicked open the door to his room and grabbed a duffel bag, tossing it on the bed. He pulled open the closet door and began throwing clothes into the duffel bag.

"Something wrong, dear?" the Kaiser asked, leaning on the doorframe.

"Do you know what you've done?" Ken accused, blinking rapidly to dispel the rising tears. "Do you know what you almost made me do?"

"So?" The Kaiser shrugged and lit a cigarette. "If that doesn't keep him away from us, nothing will."

"I won't be seeing him again," Ken said flatly. "I can't stay here, not anymore. I'm leaving." He opened the bottom drawer of his desk and absently tossed the crest of kindness into his duffel bag.

"Poor dear. Running away again, as usual."

"How can you expect me to stay?" Ken demanded, stuffing one last shirt into his duffel bag along with a pack of cigarettes and zipping it closed. "After what you did, I--I can't face him again. Not after that. I have to get out of here before I hurt someone else."

"And where will you go, hmm? The Digital World again? They'll find you."

"They won't." Ken very deliberately unhooked his black D-3 from his belt and set it on the desk. "I'll go....somewhere. I don't know where. I'll just keep walking until everyone's forgotten about me. No one will care. No one cares about me...not now."

"Why so sad?" the Kaiser asked. "This place was getting dull anyway."

"Shut up!" Ken snapped, hoisting his duffel bag over his shoulder. He walked past the Kaiser into the hall, then stopped and spoke, his back to the Kaiser. "It didn't work."

"What didn't?"

"Your plan. I don't hate Daisuke." Ken turned to look at him. "I hate myself."

The Kaiser laughed.

"Silly boy." He walked over and wrapped his arms around Ken's neck, kissing him. "What makes you think that wasn't my plan all along?"

----

And you guys thought the last cliffhanger was bad. More to come...