Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Deep As You Go ❯ If I Could ( Chapter 10 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I haven't owned anything for the past nine chapters, why should that change now?

Author's Notes: New chapterage! I wanted to get this out earlier, but school stuff got in the way. I had the chapter done, but no time to html it (Damn you, finals week! I shall dominate you!) Ahem. Anyway, read and remember, always review! Feedback-whore authors like many reviews and feel inspired by them! (Am I shameless? You bet I am!)

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"Daisuke. Daisuke, what is it? What happened?" Takeru shook his head. Daisuke had returned to the room the night before highly upset about something. He had crawled into bed without a word, and hadn't spoken since, no matter how hard Takeru tried to get him to talk. "Daisuke, come on. What's wrong? Does this have something to do with Ken?"

"Mmmph," was the muffled reply.

"Daisuke--" Takeru started to say something more, but cut off when Daisuke turned to look at him. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he looked absolutely miserable.

"Takeru, could you just, you know, leave me alone for a while?" Daisuke's voice was uncharacteristically subdued. "I'm not feeling too well."

"Sure," Takeru replied, looking surprised. "I'm going to go meet the girls and Iori for breakfast, okay? We'll be in Miyako and Hikari's room later if you're feeling better."

"Thanks." Daisuke managed half a smile.

"I'll take Wormmon with me," Takeru added, nodding to the little Digimon asleep under his desk chair. "He could probably use some fresh air."

" 'Kay." Daisuke watched in silence as Takeru gathered up Wormmon and deposited the still-sleeping Digimon into his backpack, then, with one last worried look in Daisuke's direction, left the room.

Daisuke sighed heavily and rolled over so he could look out the window. It had just begun to rain outside.

Ken.... Daisuke felt a shiver run through him. Why? I don't understand. The Ken I know wouldn't try to do something like that. It's like there are two of him, and one's trying hard not to feel a thing, while the other really doesn't feel a thing.

I wonder why he wanted me to hate him. Daisuke ran his finger along the glass of the window, tracing the path of a stray drop of water. Doesn't he understand that I can't? And--and I think I almost want to. I mean, I should hate him, after what he almost did last night. I shouldn't want anything to do with him. But even after what happened, all I can think about is what he's feeling right now. Is he hurting still? Is he okay? He didn't take the knife back with him, but what if he has another? What if he hurts himself?

The thought filled Daisuke with panic. He suddenly jumped down from his bed and grabbed the phone, preparing to dial Ken's number before realizing that he didn't know it.

I could look it up online. Daisuke made a dash for the computer. He started to type Ken's name into the campus directory, then stopped.

"This is stupid," he said out loud. "Even if he was there, he wouldn't talk to me. He--he hates me." Daisuke glanced back at the computer screen, then down at the keyboard. Ken.... He typed Ken's name into the directory and found his number.

"I just want to make sure," he said. "I won't even say anything to him. I just want to be sure that--that he didn't do anything. That's all. It's not stupid. I'm just worried. I want to hear his voice, just so I know..."

Steeling himself, Daisuke dialed the number. The phone on the other end rang and rang, and with each unanswered ring Daisuke felt his nervousness increase. After ten rings he finally gave up and hung up the phone.

Where is he? Almost unconsciously Daisuke began to pace the room. What if he really did do something to himself? What if he really did have another knife and he slit his wrists or something? He could be bleeding to death right now! Or maybe he tried to hang himself or something! Or maybe--

Or maybe he's just at breakfast and you're getting all worked up for nothing. Daisuke sunk down in the desk chair, resting his head in his hands. What's wrong with me? Why am I so worried about him? I was the one who was attacked, not him. Why I am worrying about the guy who held at a knife at my throat and threatened to kill me?

"But still..." Daisuke said softly, his eyes downcast, "I just couldn't live with myself if something happened to him."

~~~

"Are things really that bad?" Miyako leaned half off her bed, staring down at Takeru and Hikari, who were sitting on the floor with Wormmon between them. Wormmon and Takeru had just finished relating Daisuke's current condition. "With Ken, I mean?"

"I don't understand what's happened to him," Wormmon said miserably, and Hikari reached forward and cuddled him.

"It's all right, Wormmon," she soothed him. "I'm sure we'll figure out some way to fix things."

"I don't know," Takeru said darkly. "I thought that if Daisuke came back, he'd be able to make things right with Ken. But something happened last night, and I'm almost certain that it has to do with Ken."

"But if Daisuke can't reach Ken, what hope do we have?" Miyako said. "He was Ken's best friend after all. You'd think he'd be able to fix things." She smiled sadly. "I know he misses Ken, too. He wouldn't give up on him."

"I'm starting to think he might have," Takeru replied. "You should have seen him. He looked awful this morning."

"What do you think happened?" Hikari wondered. "You don't think Ken could've...done something to him, do you?"

"No!" Wormmon burst out. "My Ken-chan would never hurt Daisuke. Not on purpose. He....he couldn't." Wormmon looked downcast. "I know he couldn't."

"Then what--" Miyako was cut off by a knock on the door. "Come in!"

The door opened to reveal Iori. He looked even more serious than usual.

"What is it?" Takeru asked, getting to his feet.

"Ken's gone," Iori reported gravely.

"What?" In a flash everyone was one their feet and crowding around Iori.

"He's run away again," Iori reported. "After what Takeru mentioned in his e-mail about the way Daisuke was acting, I decided to stop by Ken's room to see if he was acting strange as well. The door to his room was wide open and the police were there. They wouldn't let me in, but from what they told me, the boy in the dorm next door woke up this morning to find Ken's door open and the room empty, with the drawers open and clothes strewn about. He knew that Ken doesn't normally leave his room, so he called campus security. Security's been looking for Ken all over, but no one's seen him since early last night."

"So he's gone?" Hikari asked. In her arms, Wormmon made a whimpering noise.

"He can't be gone," the little Digimon said helplessly. "He's all alone! He wouldn't run away again, he doesn't--he wouldn't--" Wormmon blinked away a tear. "Not again..."

"So....who wants to tell Daisuke?" Miyako said after a moment.

"We won't tell him," Takeru said. "Not yet." He turned to Iori. "You said they wouldn't let you inside Ken's room?"

"They won't let anyone inside," Iori said. "If he doesn't reappear by tonight his parents are going to be called; from what I was told no one wants to worry them unnecessarily if he just stepped out and forgot to close the door, unlikely as that is. If he hasn't been found in two days, they can call the police and start an investigation."

"We need to get inside that room," Takeru decided. "There may be something in there that the police would overlook." He glanced over at Ken's Digimon. "Wormmon... you were able to get in through the window once before, right?"

"Yes," Wormmon said, nodding.

"All right, then, let's head over to Akai Hall and see if you can find anything that might tell us where exactly Ken went."

~~~

"Hold still. How do you expect me to get any pleasure out of this if you never stop to enjoy it?" the Kaiser complained as he walked side-by-side with Ken along the side of the road. The Kaiser was trying to get Ken to take a break, but Ken continued walking, despite being soaked to the bone by the rain. He hadn't stopped moving since he left the campus.

"I can't stop," Ken replied in a dead voice, waving a hand at the Kaiser as if shooing away a troublesome gnat. "Don't you get it? The farther away I go, the better. If anyone notices I'm gone, they may follow."

"Hmmph. You overestimate them," The Kaiser sniffed. "So what if they notice? Do you really think anyone will care? They'll cheer, probably. Especially that little brat, Daisuke."

"Don't mention his name!" Ken whirled to glare at the Kaiser. "J-just stop talking, will you? Whenever you talk it's like the world's spinning on its head and I can't think."

"Poor baby." The Kaiser walked up behind Ken and wrapped his arms around Ken's neck, running a finger down his chest. "Don't you want to hear the name of the one you love? Perhaps you're just angry because you ran away like the coward you are before I could....have my fun with him."

"I didn't want you to do that," Ken said, his eyes fixed on the grass beneath his feet. "I--I didn't want any of this. I just wanted to be happy." He laughed bitterly. "What a fool. Stupid Ichijouji, thinking he could ever be happy. I know better now. I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve anything--"

"You have me," the Kaiser chuckled. "And I'm all you deserve. Why does it matter who you are or what you've done? Why does it matter what you feel? You're nothing more than a shell these days anyway. Let me take over for a while. I'll enjoy playing in that dry husk you call a body. At least if I'm in control we can have some fun." The Kaiser moved so that he was face to face with Ken. "Let me into you. There's no use for your old personality now. What are you anyway? Barely alive. All your feelings are sharp and painful, so cast them away and let me dance in your skin. Then you can forget, as I promised you that you would, and we can live together as one. I can be the master and you the dog." He kissed Ken on the lips. "And isn't that what you've always been? Nothing more than my dog. You were always better off when I was the one in charge. Remember back when I took over the Digital World?" The Kaiser touched a hand to Ken's cheek, stroking it lovingly. "That was all for you, pet. We didn't feel anything then. Until you with your usual stupidity took things over and cried, as you always do. And for what? That stupid worm. It was a waste of a conquest. But now...now you have a chance to make things right again. Let me in. Become me again, and you'll know peace."

"I don't want to." Ken shook his head. "It--it would be so easy to let you in, but...."

"But what? Do you truly like to suffer, my dear?"

"At least that makes me a little more alive," Ken said softly. "You said it yourself. I'm nothing more than a shell. And--and when the pain is gone I'm afraid that I'll find that that's all I've ever been. Hollow. Empty. There's nothing in me that isn't twisted up in knots." Ken closed his eyes.

"Don't be sad, my love. I'm here for you now. I'll always be here." The Kaiser smirked and Ken looked up darkly at him.

"I hate you," he whispered.

"I know," the Kaiser replied. "But you only hate me because I'm you. And you love me too, because I am all you can be. I am your past and I will be your future."

"No." Ken shook his head and began walking again. "You've got it wrong. I have no future."

"Is that so?" The Kaiser laughed. "Then maybe I'll leave. I hear there's a keg party back on campus tonight..."

"No!" Ken was surprised at the plaintive note in his own voice. "You--you said you wouldn't leave me."

"I lied." The Kaiser laughed and began to disappear.

"D-don't!" Ken started to run after him, but found himself falling to his knees in the grass, his arms wrapped around himself as if cold. "You said you wouldn't leave me. I--I don't want to be alone. It's cold when I'm alone. It's numb."

"So now you need me?" The Kaiser walked over and embraced Ken, who had begun to shake. He kissed Ken on the forehead. "Now, now, don't fret, my love. That was simply another reminder. You can't banish me anymore because you need me. Without me you're worthless. Isn't that right?"

"That's right," Ken replied, the words half sobs.

"You have nothing without me," the Kaiser continued, his tones deceptively soothing. "No home...no friends...no one cares for you but me..."

"No one," Ken repeated brokenly.

"I am your only love. I am your only hate. Everything you are begins and ends with me. You are my puppet, my plaything. You do what I tell you." The Kaiser stood and stared down at Ken, still crouched in the grass. "Do you understand now, pet? Will you remember the rules?"

"I will," Ken replied softly, never looking up. "I'm weak. I'm a coward. I'm clingy and pathetic and nobody wants me around. Nobody cares for me. I'm not worth caring about."

"Good boy." The Kaiser offered him a hand up. "Now come along. Let's find somewhere private where we'll be alone."

Stiffly, Ken stood. Without a word he followed the Kaiser away from the road, his eyes still downcast.

So in the end, this is all I am, a lapdog of my own delusions. Why do I keep doing this?

Why can't I just die?

~~~

Takeru, Hikari, Miyako and Iori stood by the side wall of Ken's building, Hikari holding Wormmon in her arms and Iori and Miyako holding umbrellas.

"So that's Ken's window up there?" Takeru turned to Wormmon, who nodded.

"I think so. It was dark the last time I was here, but I think that's it up there."

"It's open," Miyako said.

"Lucky for us," Iori added, nodding. "We should move closer." He looked around warily. "Fortunately there aren't that many people around because of the rain. No one should see us."

Carefully the group moved so that they stood right next to the wall. Wormmon hopped out of Hikari's arms and began to climb up the side of the building while the others stood around and tried to look nonchalant.

Wormmon clambered up the wall to the second floor and peered inside the open window. The room was empty and the door closed. Clothes and other belongings were strewn everywhere, so much so that for a moment Wormmon thought he was looking into the wrong room. That was when he noticed Ken's black D-3 lying untouched on the desk.

"Oh no..." Wormmon pulled himself through the window and jumped to the floor. He walked over to the desk, staring miserably upwards. "Ken-chan....you really left, didn't you? But--but you left your D-3 behind...and you left me behind..." Wormmon lowered his eyes. That hurt almost as much as the thought of Ken leaving.

"You've never left me behind," Wormmon said softly. "Even when you were the Kaiser you had me with you. But now you're all alone somewhere."

Wormmon sat there in silence for a few moments, heaped in misery at the thought of Ken, lost and alone in some unknown place. Finally he moved forward and climbed up on the desk, picking up the black D-3.

"I'll take this to Takeru and the others," he decided. "Maybe it can help us find Ken-chan." That decided, he hopped off the desk and was returning to the window when he noticed a piece of paper lying crumpled in the corner. Curiously he moved closer, and was able to make out the words 'Dear Daisuke' written on at the top of the paper. The rest was too crumpled to read without smoothing out the paper first.

"A note?" Wormmon picked the letter up as well, holding it along with the D-3. "Maybe--maybe Ken-chan left a note to tell Daisuke where he went. That has to be it. Otherwise...." Otherwise, we might never find him. I might never see him again!

Wormmon felt tears rising up again and quickly climbed back towards the window. He hurried down the side of the building as fast as he could go while holding the letter and D-3 in his two front pods.

"What did you find?" Takeru asked as Wormmon hopped onto the ground. The little Digimon held out the black D-3, which Takeru took from him.

"He left his D-3 behind?" Miyako said in surprise.

"That's bad," Takeru murmured. "It means we can't trace him. And it definitely means he was serious about running away, if he didn't want us to follow."

"And that means he's not in the Digital World, either," Iori added. His face was grave. "I was worried that he might have gone back there again."

"I almost wish he had," Hikaru said. "Then at least we'd know where he's gone."

"Wormmon, what's that paper you've got?" Miyako reached for the letter, and Wormmon turned slightly to move it out of her reach.

"It's addressed to Daisuke," he said seriously. "Ken-chan wouldn't have wanted anyone else to read it."

"All right then," Takeru replied, nodding. "Let's go see Daisuke."

~~~

Ken leaned against a brick wall, a lit cigarette in his hand. Though the rain had stopped, Ken was still soaked, his hair tousled and his clothes crumpled and muddy. He was staring blankly ahead, lost in his own world.

"So what now, my darling?" the Kaiser asked from beside him. "Poor thing, you're so pale. I think I've worn you down to the bone. Let's find somewhere to get something to eat, shall we? I'm in the mood for black coffee."

"I don't have much money," Ken said between puffs on his cigarette. "I don't know if I can afford anything to eat. And I still need a place to stay tonight, unless I decide to sleep outside."

"You'd be safe," the Kaiser said. "Let someone try to attack us while you sleep. I'll cut him to ribbons in seconds, and enjoy it all the while."

"If you want." Ken shrugged. "I don't care. Who'd want to rob me anyhow? We've got less than twenty dollars. I'll probably die out here anyway."

"Don't be so pessimistic," the Kaiser said. "You forget who I am. Now that the rain's done, people will be out on the streets again. Let me take over and I'll get us some money."

"No," Ken said quickly. "Not again. Not after what you almost did last time. I--I don't want to hurt anybody. I just want to fade away quietly and be forgotten."

"I won't harm anyone," the Kaiser said in wheedling tones. "Just pick a pocket or two. If you must disappear, then let's do it somewhere comfortable. A cheap hotel, perhaps. A robbery or two, and we'd have enough for a room. We can get something to eat as well. After all, dear, you need to eat. Or would you rather collapse in the street and be taken to a hospital? Ten minutes of searching and they'd know who you are. They'd send you back to your parents, and they'd send you back to therapy. Do you want that again? If you're caught this time, you won't be able to escape. They'll all be watching you like a hawk, suspicious of your barest movement. Twitch an eyelid at the wrong time and you'll be locked in your room for months. Cough the wrong way and you'll be packed off to a mental hospital to get your brain picked by every psychologist in Japan. Maybe you'll even make headlines. 'Former Child Genius Goes Insane.' They'd pick around inside your head, force you to tell all your deepest secrets." He smirked. "Maybe they'd even find out who you love. Wouldn't that be a treat for them to know?"

"I don't care about that," Ken replied, but his voice trembled.

"Of course you do. You can't fool me, pet. I know every part of you, every thought in your head, every inch of alabaster skin. I know the way you breathe, I know the way you love. And most importantly of all, I know what you fear. You fear that if anyone else found out who your heart feels for, everything would collapse." The Kaiser reached over and plucked the cigarette out of Ken's fingers, taking a puff on it himself. "Aren't I right? Could you stand that so stoically? At least what I did to your Daisuke has earned his hate, despite all he says. But what if he knew how you felt?" The Kaiser laughed. "On second thought, perhaps that would be interesting. It would be deliciously ironic, would it not, if what earned his ire at last was not your hate but your love? There was, after all, a reason your letter was always unsent."

"He would hate me if he knew," Ken said softly. "You think I don't know that? There's no way Daisuke could ever love me. I should never have presumed to think that he might. I forgot my place. I was foolish enough to think that after all was done, he would return my feelings and we would be happy. But he left, and then I knew. I should be punished for even thinking that he might care for me. I'm not a person you care for. I should never have dared to dream, because of what I am. I'm a person who could never be loved, not by anyone. If Daisuke knew, he'd hate me more than ever. So he can't know."

"So do you see my point now?" the Kaiser asked. "If you have decided that we must disappear and never return, then you have to make sure that there is no way we'll ever be caught. You don't want to go back now, do you my darling? The closer you remain to your precious Daisuke, the closer he will come to discovering that little secret you're hiding in your heart. That's why you need me, because I have no heart. That's why I can care for you. And that's why no one else ever will."

"Stop talking," Ken replied, closing his eyes. "Please, just stop talking. I don't want to hear this right now."

"You don't want to hear the truth?" the Kaiser questioned. "That's all it is. You know I only speak what you know in your heart is true. There is nothing left for you but me, my love. Now listen to my counsel and do as I say. Let me in control this once, so I can help us survive for just a little longer. I can get you something nice to eat, and a warm bed for us to sleep in. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Ken was silent for a long moment, his eyes averted. Finally, he sighed heavily.

"Just--just don't hurt anyone," he said. "All we need is the money. I don't want anyone else to be hurt."

"All right, if you're going to be such a coward about it." The Kaiser grinned wolfishly. "I won't do anything you wouldn't do." At Ken's sudden, horrified look, the Kaiser laughed. "Just kidding, my darling. After all, we know there isn't very much that you wouldn't do. Don't worry. I won't hurt anyone, since you're so set against it. Not this time, anyway."

"Whatever," Ken said dismissively. "Just do whatever you want. I don't care anymore. It all ends the same anyway."

With that, Ken turned away and closed his eyes, until all feeling inside had been swept away like sand by the tide.

~~~

Daisuke lay on his back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had tried calling Ken twice already, and he was starting to get worried.

Why? Why am I so concerned about him? He attacked me. I'm supposed to hate him, but--but I just can't. I meant what I said last night. I care about him, and I can't stop caring. He's my best friend. I have to help him, to bring him back from wherever he is. I told that therapist lady that I would help him, and I really want to. I want to help him go back to the way he was. The Ken that I met last night...that was a stranger. It wasn't Ken. I know Ken and I know that he wouldn't hurt me.

Daisuke sighed and rolled over. But if that wasn't Ken, then who was it? I felt like I was trapped by the Kaiser for a moment there, and then he turned back into Ken. Is that the problem? Did Ken just lose control or something and the Kaiser took over?

"And--and it's all my fault, isn't it?" Daisuke buried his face in his pillow, muffling his words. "All because I left. Because I didn't see it coming. How could I miss it? Why do I have to be such an idiot that I couldn't see how much Ken needed me to stay? If it wasn't for me none of this would have happened."

Daisuke sat up suddenly as the door opened and Takeru and the others trooped in, their faces grave.

"Huh? Guys, what's wrong?" Daisuke jumped down from the bed. "Did something happen?"

"We've got bad news, Daisuke," Takeru said seriously.

"What? What hap--" Daisuke cut off as he caught sight of the black D-3 in Takeru's hand. He felt his heart drop. "It's Ken, isn't it? What happened to Ken?"

"He's run away again," Iori told him. "We don't know where. He's just gone."

"Gone?" Daisuke stared at them. He left? He--he was so upset that he ran away? But--but he can't! I can't help him if I can't find him!

Maybe it's for the best, a small voice in his head whispered. He can't hurt anyone now. If you can't see him, maybe you won't have to think about him. You can be happy.

But I can't, Daisuke realized. I can't be happy without him here, without knowing where he's gone.

"We have to find him," Daisuke said immediately. "I have to figure out where he went and bring him back."

"It's not that easy, Daisuke," Miyako said. "He left his D-3 behind. I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't think he wants you to find him."

"I don't care!" Daisuke argued. "I have to find him. What if he's hurt or something? I mean--I just can't let him go like this."

"He left you a note," Wormmon spoke up. He held the letter out to Daisuke. "I didn't let them read it. Ken-chan meant it just for you."

"A note?" Daisuke took the letter from him and stepped back a bit to read. He noticed that part of the paper was burned.

So he did start that fire? Daisuke stared at the burnt part for a moment. Then he wrote this before last night. Was he planning on leaving all along, then? But why would he burn it? Daisuke briefly recalled the sealed letter he had found in Ken's desk drawer. Could this be that letter? How long ago did he write this, anyway?

"Well? Read it already!" Miyako said impatiently.

"All right, all right!" Daisuke said in annoyance. "Geez. I'm reading. Ahem. 'Dear Daisuke, I l--" Daisuke's voice broke off.

"Daisuke?" Takeru noticed that Daisuke's face had suddenly gone pale. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"I--I gotta go." Daisuke pushed past them and hurried out the door.

"Daisuke, wait!" Miyako called after him. There was no reply.

"What do you think happened?" Hikari asked.

"It must have been the letter," Iori said.

"I wonder what it said," Miyako said thoughtfully.

"I know what it said," Wormmon said, too quietly to be heard. He looked towards the open door, recalling Daisuke's face as the boy ran out of the room. That was it, wasn't it Daisuke? The thing I promised Ken-chan I wouldn't tell. He told you himself, didn't he?

Ken-chan told you himself...he told you that he loves you.

---

Another chapter, another cliffhanger. Same old same old.