Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Deep As You Go ❯ Funeral in His Heart ( Chapter 13 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: Don't try this at home. Beware rabid donuts. Own nothing except the nebulous entity known as "stuff that isn't Digimon or it's characters."

Author's Notes: Ta da, new chapter! I think I was a little late, though, but oh well, not my fault Fanfiction.net was screwy for a while (and then I got lazy because I figured if the site wasn't working I could slack off on my fic writing. Plus I'm working on a Hikaru no Go fic and had to be careful not to get my yaoi confused. Must always remember, Hikago = happy fluffy yaoi, Digimon = twisted angsty yaoi.) Anyway, new chapterage, read and review and enjoy and all that rot. (Note to Empress of the Eclipse : No, of course the bug isn't in the Spike poster! ::Note to self: Find new hiding spot for bug.:: Also, by Spike do you mean Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Because if you do that's kinda cool, since I have a Spike poster in my room too! If you mean a different Spike, forget you ever read that, mmm 'kay?)

"K--Ken, I--I--" Daisuke stammered, not sure how to react to the sight before him. His eyes darted to the side of Ken and peered into the room. He was surprised to see that it was empty.

Ken stood perfectly still in the doorway. He stared at Daisuke in wide-eyed surprise, obviously not expecting him to have shown up out of nowhere. He began to shake slightly, torn between slamming the door in Daisuke's face and running out past him.

"W-what are you doing here?" Ken just managed an acid tone.

"I--I came looking for you," Daisuke said lamely.

"What are you doing?" the Kaiser growled, climbing off the bed and stalking over to Ken. "Close the door and lock him out! You don't need to talk to him!"

"I don't want to talk to you," Ken said, turning away but not shutting the door. He began to walk back towards the bed and Daisuke hesitantly followed, shutting the door behind him. "Go away."

"You know I'm not gonna do that," Daisuke said stubbornly.

"How'd you find me?" Ken asked, sitting down on the bed and crushing his cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand. Daisuke noticed without meaning to that Ken's clothes were strewn about the room and there was a knife on the table by the bed.

"I....I used your D-3." Daisuke shifted nervously, not quite sure what to say or how to react to Ken's lack of dress.

"I didn't know that could be used to track me," Ken said flatly. He shook his head. "I should have thought of that. I'm such an idiot. If I had any sort of brains I would've thrown the damn thing away when I left."

"You shouldn't have left," Daisuke said firmly. "Ken...why won't you just let me help you?"

"I've told you before," Ken said, moving so that he was lying on his back, one arm resting across his forehead. "I don't want your damn help. I'm fine on my own."

"Then why'd you run away again?" Daisuke demanded. Ken shrugged, not looking at him.

"I....I got sick of that place, that's all," Ken said. "I felt like I wanted to get away from everything. Especially after I walked out of my last therapy session; I thought that damn woman might try to drag me to a doctor or something stupid like that. And...." His voice trailed off for a moment.

"And?" Daisuke prompted.

"And I wanted to get away from you," Ken said coldly. "If it took running away to get you to leave me alone, then so be it!" He turned his head and glared darkly at Daisuke. "And then you followed me even here. Why can't you just leave me be?"

"I'm not gonna leave you alone until you let me help you," Daisuke replied. "Ken I--I know you feel really bad right now. I know you think that I left because of you, and you have to understand that that's just not true! I didn't leave because I was annoyed by you or anything. I'd never leave you like that. If--if you had just asked me to stay--"

"Then you never would've left, is that it?" Ken growled, sitting up again. "Don't lie to me, Daisuke. You would have gone whether I wanted you to or not. If you had ever really cared you wouldn't have gone in the first place. Or at least you wouldn't have abandoned me the way you did. You wrote me what, twice, in that first month? I kept writing to you like the fool I am, thinking you'd reciprocate. You never did. And when you called....you never asked about me, did you? You just babbled on about what a wonderful time you were having and what wonderful things you were doing...all away from me, without me. You were happy because I wasn't there, weren't you? You never wanted me there. And every night I wished that you'd come back and that you'd think of me again and that you'd realize how damn lonely life was for me without you....and you never did. Never noticed, never cared. I don't know why I ever thought you would. And then you come back for me now, now when I'm too far gone to ever accept your help? Now, when I'm so tainted I'm not fit to touch you? Now, of all times, when I'm battered and broken and fallen in ruins, when I just want to be left to self-destruct in peace? Now you come and offer your help? Well, it's too late for that. I don't want your damn stupid, pathetic, whining help. I want you to go away and leave me alone, and you won't even do that!" Ken had gotten to his feet by now, and he was trembling violently. "Go away, Daisuke. Just go away and forget about me." Ken's lip curled in a bitter sneer. "You've done it before. I'm sure it shouldn't be so hard to do again."

"K--Ken I--I didn't know--" Daisuke swallowed. "I'm sorry, okay? I--I didn't realize what my leaving would do to you. I thought that even if I left, you'd still be there when I came back."

"So did I," Ken spat bitterly. "You weren't the only fool. But you have no idea how long a year is, Daisuke. No idea. At the end of the year you think that time just flew by and you can't even remember all you've done. It's just an abstract length of time to you, a few memories here and there which mark its passing. You never think of how long it lasts, of how many days, how many hours, how many minutes. You never really live those minutes, you just remember them vaguely once they've passed. But it was different for me. I remember every hour, every minute that I sat alone in my room, waiting and wishing. I remember every tear I shed, every curse, every word of every letter. I remember every conversation, and I remember every yawning moment of silence and emptiness when I stared at the wall and realized that I was all alone again. Did you really think, after all those endless days had passed, that you could even hope to come back to the same Ichijouji Ken you left behind? It's ridiculous to think that. Time changes everything, my dear Daisuke. And a year alone is a length of time such as you can't even imagine."

"Then help me imagine it," Daisuke pleaded. "Ken, how could I know all this stuff was going on when you never told me? If you had asked me, I would've come home for you. I would've--I would've done something to make sure you weren't alone. You could've come with me, even. If you had just told me how you felt--"

"Don't lie to me, dammit!" Ken nearly slapped Daisuke, then stopped himself just in time. He stared fixedly at his palm, then laughed. "You see what's happening? Already he's seeping inside me, and this time I didn't even try to let him in." Ken glanced up at Daisuke again. "You left me alone, Daisuke. Don't try to act like you didn't know. You knew when you left that I would be waiting in the shadows behind you, watching you walk away from me. And now you think words will erase actions?" He shook his head. "No. Never."

"I'm not lying!" Daisuke said desperately. "Ken.....I don't know what you want me to say. I've apologized all I can. I--I never meant to leave you. I really thought things would be okay. I don't know what's left that I can say to convince you that I really feel bad about leaving you, and that I care for you and want to help you. I don't care what you say, you can't be happy like this. I know you too well to believe that."

"You don't know anything," Ken said acidly.

"I know that you're really hurting right now," Daisuke said. "And I know that you want me to help you, you just can't admit it. Ken, I know things were hard for you when I was gone, but I didn't think that you needed me like that. The others--"

"The others?" Ken shook his head. "Who were they to me? I was never quite sure if they were really my friends, or if they were just yours, and only pretending to like me just to humor you."

"You're wrong," Daisuke argued. "They're your friends too, they've always been. They're just as worried about you as I am."

"No. They never cared, not any more than you did." Ken turned his back, walking back towards the bed. "They forgot about me too, left me behind even while I was standing there beside them. I used to eat with them at first, and every time it was like I was eating alone. They'd all talk to each other, trying to be cheerful, and all the talk would go over me, around me, never touching my skin. There was that party, too... Takeru dragged me there; I can't fathom why. I wanted to have fun, but how could I? A roomful of people surrounding me and I was completely alone, so how could I enjoy myself? The others didn't care. They say they care for me, but in the end they abandoned me just as surely as you did. So I left, and I was followed. And then I was cornered, alone, frightened and bleeding like an injured stag caught by a pack of wolves, and I called for you to help me. But you never heard it. You were gone, across the sea, busy freeing yourself from my pathetic dependencies. And then I heard the Kaiser's voice whispering in my ear again, that sweet siren call that I'd nearly forgotten. I was all alone, Daisuke, and in my loneliness I called for you....I called for you and only the Kaiser answered me. So I let him in. I embraced the only being who has ever offered me solace and comfort, even if it means a lifetime of pain and self-hatred. At least then I could pretend that someone cared, even if that someone was only in my head." Ken half-collapsed onto the bed, as if all the talking had worn him out. His skin was so pale it was almost white, and the pallor worried Daisuke almost as much as Ken's words had.

"Ken I--I'm sorry," Daisuke said hesitantly. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I couldn't hear you, that I wasn't there. But--but I'm here now. I can hear you. Let me help."

"It's too late, don't you get that?" Ken said irritably. "Only he can help me now."

"He?" Daisuke wondered.

"The Kaiser." Ken smiled bitterly. "Don't you get it yet? He's here with me, inside me. He talks to me...and touches me....and for a while, everything is very quiet. For a while I can forget, when he's touching me. And he talks to me, tells me he loves me." Ken gave a hollow laugh. "You see how pathetic I am? The only creature who loves me resides only in my mind. I'm disgusting. I don't know how he puts up with me." Ken wrapped his arms around himself protectively. "You couldn't. Put up with me, I mean. No one can, except for the Kaiser. Everyone would be better off if I just ran away and never came back. I'm a wretched, disgusting, whining creature; no wonder the Kaiser is the only one who cares for me. I'm stained, ruined. I'm not worth being around."

"Ken, that's not true!" Daisuke said desperately. "I care for you. I really do. And--and I think you're wrong. You're not disgusting or pathetic or anything like that! You're--you're hurt inside or something, and you need help. If you'd just listen--"

"Listen to what? Your excuses?" Ken shook his head. "I don't want to listen to you anymore. I'm caught between hating you for abandoning me and agreeing with you for it. But I know one thing, and I know you hate me. There's no other explanation. Why shouldn't you hate me? I'm an awful person."

"You're not!" Daisuke chewed anxiously on his lower lip. "Don't you get it? Do you really think I'd come all the way here if I hated you? You're my best friend, Ken. Even now, you're my best friend. I care about you and I--I don't want to lose you. I just want you to be happy again."

"N--no," Ken said hesitantly. The Kaiser sat behind him, rubbing Ken's shoulders and whispering in his ear. "You're lying. You've always been lying. You talk and talk and say that you care, that you want to help me, but it's all just a lie. You--you want me to come with you so you can take me to some damn mental institution and be rid of me once and for all. You don't care. No one cares. If you really cared, you never would have left. If you really cared, you never would've abandoned me! You don't care about me at all. Only the Kaiser cares for me. No one else."

"That isn't true and you know it," Daisuke said. "You have to know it. I know I left you alone last time Ken and I'm sorry, but--but I came back for you this time.

"I won't abandon you again, I promise. Just come with me and I'll--"

"You'll what?" Ken's lip curled in a sneer. "How do you plan to help me, Daisuke? You've barely got the brains to form a coherent thought. How stupid are you, that you think you can help me all alone? You'll just take me back to that damn woman and any other shrink that wants to poke around inside my head. I left because I'm sick of that. Now I just want to be left alone to destroy myself. It isn't too much to ask, really. I'll even sweep my own ashes under the rug when I'm done, and no will ever know, or care. So just leave me alone. I'm not going to let you try and help me, so just give it up and let me burn myself out while I can still pretend to care."

"Ken...." Daisuke shook his head. "I told you already, Ken. I care about you, and I'm not leaving here without you. I--" Daisuke stopped, then swallowed hard, gathered his courage, and continued. "I know how you feel about me, Ken."

"You do?" Ken's bark of laughter was as harsh as the cry of a carrion crow in winter. "Liar. Idiot. You don't know the first thing about how I feel. If you did, then we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"I do know," Daisuke objected. "Ken, I--I found your letter. The one you never sent. I read it and..." Daisuke took a deep breath. "I read it and I know how you feel. I know that you--that you're in love with me."

There was a very long moment of silence. Ken sat perched on the bed, perfectly still, skin so white he looked like an alabaster statue. His mouth opened as if he were about to speak, but nothing came out. Daisuke saw Ken's white fingers clench and unclench sporadically around the bed sheet at his waist. When he finally found his voice it was thin and hoarse, a shadow of what it had been only moments ago.

"So. You read it." Ken's eyes burned. "You weren't supposed to read it. It wasn't meant for you."

"It was addressed to me," Daisuke reminded him gently.

"You weren't supposed to read it!" Ken snapped. "You weren't meant to know any of what was in that letter. You had no right to read it!"

"No right?" Daisuke gaped. "Ken, you disappeared! You didn't leave us any clue to where you'd gone. You left behind almost all your stuff, even your D-3! What were we supposed to think, when one of the things left in your room was a letter addressed to me? We--I thought that maybe you left a note saying where you'd gone or why you left. That maybe--"

"Why would I do that?" Ken interrupted angrily. "How stupid are you, Daisuke? Say where I went or why I left? That's ridiculous! I left my D-3 because I didn't want to be followed, so why would I leave you a note to tell you where I'd gone? And as for why I left...you know why I left." Ken couldn't meet Daisuke's eyes. "You know what I almost did to you in that alley. I couldn't stay, not after that. There was no reason for me to leave a note."

"That doesn't mean that I couldn't hope!" Daisuke shot back. "Don't you understand how worried I was when the others told me you were gone, and when I couldn't get you on the phone? I--I was afraid that you might be dead or--"

"So what?" Ken cut him off. "That just shows what a fool you are. I'm not worth worrying about. You'd rejoice if I was dead."

"I wouldn't!" Daisuke looked profoundly shocked. "Can't you see that? I came after you because I care about you! Don't you get it, Ken? I know how you feel about me and it doesn't matter to me. I care about you even--"

"Even if I'm in love with you? Is that it?" Ken half-growled. "Liar. I'm a freak and you know it. You can't handle me being in love with you. If you truly understood how I feel then you'd hate me!"

"I wouldn't! I don't!" Daisuke argued. "I can't hate you, Ken, I told you that! If everything you've done hasn't made me hate you, then why would this? How could I hate you just for loving me?"

"You don't get it!" Ken said darkly. "You don't understand at all! You're still so stupid. You think it's so easy, just saying that you don't care how I feel? That it doesn't change how you feel about me? You're wrong. It always changes everything. Look at me. I'd be happy if I hadn't loved you. That's why it cut so deep when you left. Because I loved you, and you couldn't even handle me just being your friend without having to get away from me. If you couldn't stand me just being your friend, how could you ever stand me if you knew I loved you?"

"I told you, I didn't leave because of you! I left because--because--because I just felt like traveling! I never wanted to get away from you!" Daisuke told him. "I understand how you feel Ken, I really do. I read your letter--"

"I never should've written it," Ken spat. "I should've burned it. Hell, I should've listened to the Kaiser and burned the whole damn place down, and burned myself to ashes along with it."

"Ken--" Daisuke was cut off before he could even start to argue as Ken stood again.

"You think you really understand how I feel? How could you? You don't even think about the emotion behind your words. I love you. Do you know what that means? It means something dirty and foul, that's what it means. Like that kiss. That kiss was wrong and you know it. You think you can handle that? Let's see." Ken reached down and in one swift, practiced motion, tore off the bed sheet that had been his only concession to modesty. As Daisuke stood still and gaped, Ken walked over to him and kissed him hard on the mouth, pressing his naked body up against Daisuke's chest. When Ken finally released his lips, Daisuke suddenly found himself barely able to form a coherent thought.

"K-Ken--" Daisuke's voice was nothing more than a thin croak, and he looked away, blushing. Ken ran a hand along the side of his face down to his chin, turning the other boy's head and forcing Daisuke to look at him.

"What's wrong?" he asked in a low, derisive tone. "Can't bear to look at me? Of course you can't. I'm a disgusting, contemptible thing, naturally you can't bear to have me touching you."

"T-t-that's not it," Daisuke stammered, still very aware of Ken's body draped against his. "It's just--"

"If you're not disgusted, then why do you keep trying not to look at me?" Ken questioned darkly. He stepped back and turned around in a very slow circle, showing himself off. "Is it modesty? Are you embarrassed? Or are you just revolted by the sight of me, by the feel of my lips on yours? Of course you are. You'd have to be."

"But I'm not," Daisuke choked out. "That's not it at all, Ken! Why do you keep thinking that? I'm not at all--"

"Lies all," Ken said, waving a hand as if sweeping Daisuke's words away even as they came out of his mouth. "If you weren't offended by the very sight of me, you'd stop trying to look away. Not that I blame you for it. I'm always better off when I shut my eyes and pretend I don't exist."

"I'm not lying," Daisuke argued. "I--I just looked away at first because I was surprised, that's all. You can't let yourself keep feeling this way, Ken. If you'd just listen to what I'm saying--"

"It's all words," Ken spat, walking back towards Daisuke. "Words are flimsy things. You can twist them so they mean whatever you want them too. You say you don't feel sickened by me? Let's see, then."

Ken reached over and grabbed Daisuke's wrist in an unshakeable grip, and Daisuke tensed, the memory of the knife at his throat still fresh in his mind. He immediately regretted his reaction when Ken's face twisted into a scowl. The other boy didn't speak, however, he simply placed Daisuke's hand on his chest and moved forward, once more draping himself against Daisuke. Daisuke shuddered.

"There, you see?" Ken's voice was hollow. "You're disgusted by the feel of my flesh under your fingers."

"That's not why I shuddered," Daisuke said in a low voice. He glanced up and looked Ken straight in the eyes. "I can feel your ribs, Ken. I shuddered because you're so thin I can feel your ribs under my fingers, and it's making me worry even more. Don't you get it, I'm not revolted or sickened or anything. I'm worried as hell, and I'm not leaving until you get that through your head and let me help you!"

Ken stared at him out of hollow eyes for a long moment before laughing bitterly.

"Still lying?" He shook his head. "You're trying to trick me, that's all. You think if you keep speaking those empty words, I'll believe and come with you, and then you'll betray me. It won't work. I won't let it work. You don't care about me, you never did. Even the Kaiser is revolted by me, and he loves me." Ken detached himself from Daisuke and strode back towards the center of the room. "Get out of here."

"I'm not leaving," Daisuke said stubbornly, remaining where he was. Ken half-glanced back at him, then shrugged.

"Suit yourself." He leaned over the bed and grabbed the knife off the bedside table. He held it out towards Daisuke, but he didn't move from his spot on the bed, and his hand was shaking. "Now, leave or I'll make you leave. This conversation is over."

"Ken--"

"Stop saying that!" Ken yelled angrily. "Stop saying my name like you care. You don't care. Nobody cares."

"I care," Daisuke said firmly. "And that's why I can't leave you like this."

"Just go away," Ken said flatly, as if he hadn't even heard Daisuke speak. "Go away before I do something we'll both regret."

"I'm not leaving," Daisuke said, still unmoving. "I left you alone once, Ken. I'm not gonna do it again, not now. I'm staying here until you stop acting like this and finally get it through your head that I care for you and want to help you."

"Just go, dammit!" Ken growled, but there was a slight pleading note to his voice. The Kaiser hovered unseen behind him, hands running along Ken's chest and legs. "If you don't go I might actually kill you this time. So go, and live, and forget you ever knew me. You'll be better for it."

"I told you, I'm not--"

"Shut up!" Ken snapped, his voice cracking slightly as he stood up on trembling legs. He took a step towards Daisuke, shaking so violently that it seemed as if he were about to collapse. "Stop talking and leave. I don't want you here, can't you see that? You shouldn't be here." Ken smiled bitterly. "This is my own personal hell, Daisuke. You, of all people, don't belong here."

Daisuke hesitated, staring for one very long moment at Ken's pale, trembling body and hollow eyes. Finally, he nodded.

"All right, Ken. All right. I'll leave." He moved towards the door, then turned back to look at Ken. "But I'm not giving up Ken. I said I wouldn't go without you this time, and I mean it. I'm not leaving this hotel unless you're with me, and if you leave, I'll follow you. I'm not gonna give up on you, no matter what you say or how much you try to threaten me. I'm going to help you, whether you want me to or not."

With that, Daisuke turned and left, closing the door behind him. Ken didn't move from the middle of the room, staring at the closed door with a strange, detached air.

"That's better," the Kaiser purred, kissing Ken softly on the lips. "The nasty boy interrupted us before I was finished having fun. You should've closed the door on him when I told you to, darling."

"I should've..." Ken repeated softly, switching his gaze to the knife in his hand.

"I'll have to punish you very severely for that," the Kaiser added happily, biting at Ken's neck. "Don't worry, my love. You'll like this punishment, the way you always do. You've always been a slave to a soft caress and a well-placed kiss."

"Yes..." Ken didn't respond, still looking at the knife. "You would've killed him?"

"Maybe I would've," the Kaiser said airily. "If it seemed like fun. But don't you worry about it. I'll make sure you don't have to worry about anything at all."

"I don't want you to touch me again," Ken said in a quiet, defeated voice.

"But you'll let me anyway."

"Yes." Ken nodded, closing his eyes. "I will. I always do. But I don't want you to."

"What do I care what you want?" the Kaiser murmured. "I'm giving you what you need. A soft touch that let's you pretend just a little longer that there's something left in you to care about."

"I could slice my wrists open now if I wanted to," Ken said. "It would be bloody and painful, but I could do it. I know the correct way to cut. If I wanted to."

"Not this again," the Kaiser muttered irritably. "Why die, love? Why bother? There's so much in this world we haven't tried, so much we haven't tasted. We can take whatever we want, and no one can stop us. You know I'll protect you no matter what happens, even if it means cutting a bloody swath through everything in sight. So why bother dying now? Wait a while and I'll overshadow you again, and then you can rest in peace while I enjoy the fruits this life has to offer."

"Make me hurt," Ken said in a soft, dead voice.

"What was that, darling? Speak up."

"Make me hurt," Ken repeated. "I want it to hurt." He slowly ran the knife across his palm, drawing blood. Raising his injured hand, he stared fixedly at the blood dripping down. "Just make me feel."

The Kaiser laughed and leaned forward, licking the blood off Ken's wrist.

"As you wish, my dear. As you wish."

Isn't that a happy thing to end with? I know not much happened in that chapter (or a lot happened, depending on your view point--I didn't spend eight pages on one scene for nothing, after all) but what did you expect? Dialouge is fun. Anyway, next chapter coming soon and all that.