Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Digital Fiction Theatre 3000 ❯ Gimme a break ( Chapter 6 )

I don't own the story, I don't own the characters.

Impmon: You don't own shit.

Exactly.

(Somewhere in the Digiworld, Emperor TK's base)

Henry: So, you're a member of the permanent group now?

Suzie: Yep ^_^

Henry: That's not a good thing. It means you'll have to read every lemon, badfic, bashing, or bad, bashing lemon we recieve up here.

Suzie: Your point is? Henry, think of my life.

Henry: (thinking) Good point. What would actually affect someone who lost 'it' to her brother's Digimon at the age of six?

(Terriermon tries to sneak through the room without Henry noticing him)

Henry: Nice try.

(Henry grabs the Dogbunny by his ears)

Terriermon: Damn.

Henry: Remember my promises after the last fic?

Terriermon: I don't remember anything! What was the last one about again?

Henry: YOU LIVED IT!

Terriermon: Right, that one.

(Henry pulls a Rusty Butterknife (tm) out of Thin Air (tm))

Terriermon: Henry, can't we talk about this?

Henry: DIE!

Terriermon: Momentai. For the love of god, Henry, momentai,

Henry: Momentai? YOU TOOK MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY AT AGE SIX! MOMENTAI THIS!

(TK and Yolei walk into the room)

TK: Okay, the next fic is coming through as we speak. I think we'll be sitting in on this one.

(TK sees Henry's RB)

TK: I wouldn't advise that. While you're here, any pain he feels, you will feel.

Davis: Wait, why would you sit in on a fic?

TK: Call it a break. After the last two fics, I decided to put off TamerMJB's "Innocence Denied" for one session. After all, the longer you remain sane, the more I can torture you.

Davis: It's that bad?

TK: No, but I figure you deserve a good one once in a while. Of course, you still need to comment, regardless of how difficult.

Yolei: Although it's long enough that reading the entire thing might get to you anyways.

Veemon: So, what do we have lined up?

Yolei: A censored version of "Se La Vee" by Jodan from Digiartist's Domain.

Davis: Censored?

Yolei: Yes, due to the fact that it has the warning of "Mega-Lemon", which means every second of the action is described in equal detail.

Kari: So, it's just an "R" rating at this point?

TK: I wouldn't go that far. Let's call it "Extremely Mild NC-17"

Kari: Couples?

Yolei: Veegato, Gomapal, PataBiyo. No human couples.

Kari: Who's in the theatre?

TK: Myself, Yolei, the Usual Group, Veemon, Patamon, Gatomon, and, just for season fairness...

(the Fourth Wall collapses in the background. No one comes through)

TK: We've fixed that little glitch. As I was saying, the last member will be Impmon. Now let's go.

(In the theatre, the captives are huddled together discussing something)

TK: Let's roll fic.

(TK presses a button on a remote control)

Please, for the love of all that is holy, read this non-warning introduction!

Davis: What, we have a choice?

Jodan: Five months! Five months in the making!! That's how long this took!

Impmon: Imp-ressive.

(everyone looks at Impmon)

Impmon: What, I'm not allowed cheap puns?

TK: Frankly, you strike me more as the "filthy pervert" type.

But really! This is great! I'd like to thank Felixman for the idea and support, Sonimon for his constant faith in me, Redrover

Kari: We call TK over.

for being patient with this thing which has taken five fuckin' months to complete. I'd like to thank Ebass, my main reveiwer for giving it a ludicristly high score,

Yolei: The bribe's in the mail.

my 8 beta readers,

Davis: (author) It was originally -that- badly done

all of which I cannot name, but you know who you are! Sid for supporting my work, Trillermon for restoring my belief that veegato isn't dead, just coming out of a coma,

Veemon: Who ever said it was dead?

OmegaDragon, my lemon desciple for being so loyal, My Gazimon for always being there for me, I'd like to thank my parents who don't know I write these,

Patamon: (Jodan) I hope…

I'd like to thank Hitler,

Suzie: Trouble coming.

and I'd like to thank God, whom I don't believe in.

(Everybody's silent)

What's wrong with everybody? What's going on??

Gazimon: You thanked Hitler!

Jodan: I never!

Gazimon: You did! You thanked Hitler!

Jodan: Why would I thank Hitler?

Gazimon: Hmmm, I DON'T KNOW!!

Jodan: Can't believe I thanked Hitler...

Impmon: What was `da point of `dat?

(All shrug)

Oh well. This story is intended for anyone who can get an errection.

Gatomon: Well, I can tell when I'm not wanted.

Kari: Gatomon, sit down.

Which means if you're premature, or George W. Bush, Get yer candy ass outta hnyah! And, need I remind you... I OWN DIGIMON! IT BELONGS TO ME!!! No, Toai didn't create them, I did! That's right! All mine! Me Me Me! (Looks at Gazimon) And him.

Gazimon: Damn straight!

Jodan: While I'm at it, I also own Kevin Smith,

Davis: (Jay) Snoochie boochies.

Gilbert and Sullivan, Afroman, The Rolling Stones and Queen, all of who's work appears in breif, entertaining musical numbers. (Rolls in credit). I won't distain you any longer... ENJOY!!!!

Suzie: That was just the introduction. This is gonna be a long night…

Veemon: I might just be an optimist, but I think we might actually enjoy this one.

TK: This is where the kick ass title picture usually goes, but unfortunately we only have the words.

Se La Veemon

By Jodan

(Neptune200@aol.com)

"OUTTA MY WAY!" Gatomon practically shrieked, shoving agumon to the side, sending him flying into the bathroom he just came out of.

Veemon: Ah, a cheerful start.

"I'M COMING THROUGH! DON'T GET IN MY WAY!" he snapped at tai who immediately jumped from her path back into his room, fearing the same fate which befell the small orange dinosaur.

Tai watched her walk past, hiding behind the doorframe, as he shakily glanced at his digital clock. "11:00…" he murmured to himself softly. "She's up early today…."

Davis: That's early?

Kari: You know how cats are, you know how Digimon are, now combine the two.

Davis: Touché.

Usually tai would have time to get dressed and out of the house before the sleeping beast that Gatomon had become withen the last month awoke.

Holding his breath as she stormed by, Tai quickly dashed into the bathroom to retrieve his buddy. "agumon, are you alright?!?"

"ow…"

"man… Gatomon's been acting weird…"

"pain….."

"do you think it's something she ate? Or more specifically, something she still eats?"

"can't feel my face…."

"that does it, I'm talking to Kari about this! Gotta be a man! ….as soon as Gatomon goes out…."

Yolei: Gee, such a brave man.

(A beeping sound is heard)

Veemon: What the…

(TK picks up a device labeled "S.D 2.0 by K.I.")

TK: Well, looks like Izzy made this one right.

Davis: Is that a sarcasm detector?

TK: Apparently it was planted last week.

"internal bleeding…."

Gatomon lept up onto the chair at the table, startling Kari as she poured her milk.

"jeez, don't do that." she muttered, continuing to pour, before covering her mouth, realizing her fatal mistake.

Davis: You have to pull the pin and throw the GRENADE?

"DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE MY PARTNER DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN BITCH ME AROUND!!! AND FURTHER MORE-"

Veemon: Geez, someone's been into the bitch-pills.

Kari sighed. It would be a while before Gatomon would stop, or even let her leave for that matter.

Tai sighed, watching Kari being relentlessly bitched at from around the corner, as agumon wrapped some bandage around his muzzle. Tai slumped to the ground, leaning against the wall, and spoke without even removing his eyes from the white feline.

"Agumon… do digimon have… I mean do digimon girls have…y'know, that… time of the month?"

"mmf-mm mmfffmmph." Agumon replied, making tai turn his head, as agumon had wrapped his jaws shut. Tai rolled his eyes and started unwrapping his as agumon began to speak again. "what do you mean tai?" he asked, still caressing his sore face.

"y'know! That time of the month!"

Suzie: That's right, just repeat it. That'll explain it.

(A loud beeping comes from the device still in TK's hand)

agumon returned a blank stare. Tai clenched his teeth in aggravation at agumon's communication failure. "do digimon have periods??" he asked flatly, getting the hard information out.

"ohhhhhh……." Agumon seemed to comprehend. The small dinosaur stood on his toes to look over the sitting tai, to see Gatomon ranting at a very annoyed Kari, as the small cat stabbed the milk carton with a butter knife to emphasize her point.

"nothing like that I can assure you…" agumon finally said, replying to tai's question.

"well…YOU'RE a digimon…what on earth is up her ass?!?"

agumon grinned devilishly. "if you hold her down I can check…"

tai responded by cuffing agumon in the jaw.

"GAH!!!! PAIN!!!!"

Davis: Whoops.

he shouted, clenching it as tai jumped at the unexpected outburst, whispering a string of "sorrys" with clenched teeth.

Davis: Space, the final frontier

"his eyes are so pretty it's spooky- who is this?"

"that's my exboyfreind"

"did you think ms. Cleo wouldn't see that?"

"no, I knew you would."

"you go girl!"

Kari moaned slightly, feeling quite beat from the day, mentally exhausted. After Gatomon had calmed down from what had appeared to be the terrible enraging trauma which is waking up,

Impmon: Jeez, when she's not being a bitch she's being a pathetic pussy!

the two went out for some Tasty delight, and Gatomon apologized as she did every day after her first tantrum. Not as if another wouldn't follow later. It didn't take much to set her off, and Kari had been doing nothing but trying to figure out

"what could possibly be wrong with her?!?… she didn't USED to try and kill Hawkmon when her called her `m'lady'…

Gatomon: He's a bird, I'm a cat, do the math.

although I admit it was hilarious watching her chase him up a lamppost."

Davis: What is with insanely funny stories and lampposts?

TK: You just gave me an idea for the next "break" fic.

"do you have a problem?" the tv asked in it's middle aged female Jamaican accent.

"yes…" Kari moaned.

Kari: There's annoying frauds on my TV.

"call ms. Cleo! And get a free reading! Call right now!"

Kari's eyes wandered down to the portable telephone resting on her belly, as she stretched across the sofa. "I shouldn't even be UP at this hour…" she mumbled, her eyes moving again to the small round clock conveniently placed in the middle of the living room wall, indicating the time was 2:00 in the morning. Kari's fingers moved through the rubber buttons of the phone, caressing the sides, as the TV repeated "CALL NOW! FREE READING! MS.CLEO KNOWS ALL!"

"aw, what the hell do I have to lose…"

Davis: money

TK: brain cells

Suzie: Credit card number

Yolei: So, not much.

Kari muttered as her hand wrapped around the back of the phone and she dialed the 1-800 number given, as ms. Cleo nodded, grinning, as if she could see Kari practically sending her the money.

A few rings. "ms. Cleo here." A slightly gruff half Jamaican-half Brooklyn accent replied, with the obvious sound of gum chewing echoing throught the connection.

"……ms. Cleo?" Kari asked, a little surprised.

"yea, whadya want?"

Kari gulped slightly, moving her hand to her forehead in regret. Appearently there was more than one ms. Cleo working at ms. Cleo's 24-hour-7-day-a-week-including-holdays hotline.

"is this REALLY ms. Cleo?"

"look, kid, y'want a reading or not??"

"fine, fine. Alright, see I have this friend-"

"and this friend has…………….a problem!" the person on the other end "brilliantly" deducted, pausing for dramatic purposes as if she was slowly forseeing it.

"yeah, and I-"

"ms. Cleo sees all! It's in the cards!"

Kari rolled her eyes. "well, anyways, it's been more than a month, and she's been nothing but a-"

"it's been……………thirty days……….and your friend……..has been troubling you….."

Kari's eyes narrowed. "brilliant."

(repeated loud beeping from SD 2.0)

TK: Impressive construction. Even sarcasm in the fic registers.

She said in a very flat tone of voice. Kari MUST have been desperate to have called here…

Davis: No kidding.

"well, I want to know-" Kari continued.

"and you want to know…

All: (Treble Charger) And I wanna know, have I gone too far, have I sunk to a brand new low...

….what's troubling her? how to stop it? I have right here the 3 of clubs…which is telling me that-"

"aren't you guys supposed to use taro cards?"

Davis: Good thing Izzy's not here, this spelling would drive him into conniptions.

Kari: Davis, from the fact that you just said "conniptions", and used it in the right context, I'd say he's here in spirit.

"budget cuts."

"oh."

Patamon: (`Ms Cleo') Yeah, being exposed as a fraud kinda does that.

"anyway, it is telling me……" she stopped. Silence. For about 40 seconds.

"so what's the 3 of clubs telling you `ms. Cleo'?"

"hold on, I'm thinking… I mean concentrating! Concentrating…"

"yuh huh… listen, I'm just going to hang up now…"

"no! wait! I- …." Kari heard a surrendering sigh from the other side of the line. "listen kid…"

Kari slowly moved her thumb away from the off button. "I have dis' philosophy, that if anyones actin'….y'know, like a freakin' jerk, they need one of two things; they need to get their ass kicked, or they need to get laid. One of `dose, always does the trick, as far as I can see…"

Impmon: I like `dis guy.

a silent moment stood between the two.

All: All your base are belong to us!

"wow…. That makes a lot of sense! Thank you, ms cleo!"

"the name's tony, and yer welcome." The gruff voice said as they both hung up.

Kari smiled. "finally, I have some sense of- …… Tony??" she asked herself, confused, stopping in mid sentence.

All: (singing) Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun. Momma always said you'd be the chosen one…

TK's eyes wandered the menu over the various flavors of Tasty delights as he heard the bell on the top of the door give off a ring, indicating the entrance of an individual. TK looked up and smiled as Kari entered and sat down across from him, looking a little concerned, but focused.

"hey Kari!"

"hi TK…"

TK's smile faded as he noticed Kari's solumn appearance. "what's wrong?"

"Well… y'know."

"Gatomon?"

"Yeah! This morning was the worst yet…"

"really? Worse than when she kicked miko across the room??"

Kari: Considering that Miko was dead by the time the second generation showed up, I don't think that's possible.

"much."

"wow, what happened?"

"well… Gatomon decided to take a bath… but didn't tell us… and she forgot to lock the door… and poor agumon, of course, just wanted to use the bathroom!"

"oh jesus…. How is he?"

Davis: (Kari) A little internal bleeding, a few cracked ribs, a ruptured spleen, and no testicles. Not much damage all things considered.

"suffering."

"wow…"

"yeah…."

"so…um… what's this idea of yours?"

"well I talked to a …..friend…. last night and she...he… gave me a suggestion."

"well, go ahead." TK said, regaining his smile, ever optimistic.

"I was talking to….. um, a friend last night… and he- I mean she! She gave me some good advice. Sort of… words of wisdom."

"yeah?"

"yeah… anyone who's unnecessarily being a bitch… either needs to get their ass ki-…beaten up, or get laid."

TK: Maybe that would help me. Kari, are you willing to help an old friend?

Kari: Sure. Just let me get my cleats and maybe a baseball bat…

TK: I meant the second one.

Kari: I didn't.

TK drooped slightly in a face faulting fashion. "you call those words of wisdom?" he muttered, loud enough for her to hear.

Kari nodded. "I know it sounds odd, but think about it!"

TK moaned in disbelief. "I can't believe you-… hey wait a tick… that actually makes a lot of sense!"

"Yeah, it does! That's what I was saying!"

"So… how do we use this to our advantage?" TK asked, putting his menu down flat onto the table and looking Kari in the eye curiously.

"duh! Haven't you been listening?"

"um… well… I think you'll have trouble with that…"

"trouble?"

"she got her tail ring back didn't she? She'd pound any rookie that even tried to pull something! Maybe if you get a group of rookies though…"

"TK…"

"Veemon's the strongest rookie I know, but doesn't he have a thing for her? I remember Davis telling me something like that, and I know Patamon does too…"

"TK!"

"maybe if we…..like…blindfolded them… and gave them bats…." TK's eyes lit up with idea as he snapped his fingers. "We could tell them she's a piñata!"

All: Ole!

"TK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

All went silent as the entire tasty delights parlor turned there heads to her, while she slowly regained her posture, blushing. "Gatomon……..Gatomon doesn't need to be beaten up."

"well, Kari, I don't think we really have any other optio- …wait a second."

"yes."

"but how will we-"

"didn't you say something a little while ago?"

Yolei: Yeah, about three seconds ago.

"wait, what about?"

"about Veemon and Patamon having a thing?"

"a thing?"

"a thing for Gatomon?"

"yeah, but what does that have to- ….oooohhhhhh…wait! no!"

"why not?? TK, I cannot live with Gatomon like this for the rest of my life!"

"listen, whatever you do to Veemon is Davis's business, but Patamon! I mean, he's practically, like, a little kid! He can't…. I mean… I don't want him to-"

"you can't baby him, TK. Digimon mature much faster than we do."

"but…….but…."

"look, why don't you let HIM decide what he wants? I mean, this should be HIS decision after all…"

TK put his face in his hands, leaning on the table with his elbows. "I don't know… it just… it doesn't feel right."

"I'll call Davis and tell him to meet us at your house with Veemon."

"Veemon? What, they can't BOTH…well…Y'know…"

Kari pondered this for a moment. "I guess not… well… we'll figure out what to do from there. It would be very unfair to leave Veemon out of this, he's tried so hard to get her attention…"

TK scratched the back of his head, looking at the smooth marble table in thought.

"yeah, I guess it wouldn't be fair…"

"it would be like if I never gave Davis a chance…"

"umm…Kari, you never DID give Davis a chance."

Kari: Damn fic authors.

"what? Of course I did!"

TK laughed. "not to my knowledge. Who knows, maybe he wouldv'e swept you off your feet."

Kari giggled. "yeah right! He probably couldn't sweep a cockroach off it's feet if he had a broom!"

"ha! See? You never DID give him a chance!"

Davis: Damn fic authors.

Kari shook her head in aggravation. "not now, TK, we have a bigger problem on our hands."

"ok, ok… I'll meet you back at my house."

"and I'll go call Davis."

"but how are we gonna figure out which one of them….y'know…gets to…"

"oh don't worry…" Kari smirked. "I have a plan."

TK's eyes widened slightly at her grin. "uh oh…"

"Aren't you gonna answer that?" Veemon asked, looking up from the sonic the hedgehog comic he was reading. "answer what?" Davis ask lazily, looking up from his gameboy color.

"the phone, dude. The phone's ringing."

"hmm? Oh yeah." Davis murmured, reaching for the cordless phone which rested on the pair of over used underwear which was just one piece of the carpet of used clothing that was the cause of the fact that Veemon had never seen the floor of Davis's room.

"lo'?" Davis asked lazily, not moving much in the past few days, laying in his room with Veemon and reading comics or playing his seemingly endless supply of gameboy games.

"KARI?!?" Davis yelped excitedly, dropping his game boy to the side as he sat up, swinging his legs around so they hung off the side of the bed. "what? Your house? Why? ….well ok…I guess…" Davis grinned like a fox he hung up the phone. "DUDE!" he shouted to Veemon, as he began tugging his pants on, grinning wildly.

"what?" Veemon questioned calmly, only moving his eyes away from Sonic the hedgehog as he banged Amy for a split second.

Davis: What? You know there are real Sonic comics, not just hentai dojinshi.

"Kari invited me over!!!"

"I'm happy fer ya." Veemon mumbled, turning the page, not feeling too cheery lately, because of a particular incident involving peanut butter.

Gatomon: (to Veemon) Who's got your dick in the peanut butter?

Veemon: Apparently it somehow involves Davis.

"she said she wanted to talk to you!"

Veemon looked up. "what? Me? What on earth for??"

"I don't know," Davis responded, before zipping his pants up and turning a smug grin to the small blue dragon. "but she said it had to do with Gatomon."

"GATOMON?!?" Veemon asked excitedly, throwing the possibly illegal comic to the side as he forgot all about the peanut butter incident.

"yuh huh!" Davis replied as he struggled to pull on his other shoe, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face.

"DUDE!"

"DUDE!"

"DUUUUUUUDE!"

"DUDEDUDEDUDE!" they both seemed to recite to one another as they proceeded with their official victory dialog.

Yolei: What an intellectually stimulating conversation. I can't imagine how much worse my life would have been without it.

(A loud repeated beeping is heard, followed by an explosion. We see TK with a blackened face collapsing in his seat)

TK tapped his foot, standing erect, facing the door in anticipation of the arrival of Kari.

Davis: Re-read that, taking into account that people are LOOKING for perversion when they read a lemon.

Kari: Yeah, that does seem wrong, huh?

Patamon sat quietly on the red leather couch behind TK, which the angelic pig digimon was coincidently banned from, by the matriarch Ishida (TK's mom), because she said his fur got the leather messy and made it look like they kept a dog in the house. Patamon was slightly offended, but ignored her… at least when she wasn't around. Farbeit was Patamon from going against the rules of the one known simply as "Mother".

"TK… what does Kari want to talk to me about?" the small golden digimon asked artlessly.

TK sighed at the situation. "you'll see… I think you'll like it."

"oh, ok." Patamon smiled. TK looked to him, thinking.

"he looks so…….innocent….. but Kari's right. He's a mature digimon, and I can't keep him babied like a pet… he's an individual who has a right to make his own choices, with or without my consent." TK thought to himself as Patamon hummed the Bohemian Rhapsody to himself.

Davis: All together now…

All: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

TK: Don't bother, there will be plenty of that later.

"oh man…" TK continued in his mind. "at this point he'll be singing soon…"

He jumped, startled out of his thoughts by the door buzzing, as he sighed in an attempt to relax, holding the button down to let Kari in. somewhat anxious of the events that were to follow the arrival of the holder of light, he quickly opened the door, as her hand hovered in a fist, as she was about to knock, looking somewhat stupefied. "are you feeling alright TK?" she asked, her fist still in the air.

"well…I yeah… tobecertain no…" he babbled out, putting one hand through his hair. Patamon eyed him suspiciously.

Kari sighed and put her hand down. "TK, if you really don't want to do this I understan-"

"nonono, it's… not my choice…"

Kari giggled. "the way your acting, one would think that it's you who's being tested…"

"tested?" he asked as she walked in and plopped down next to Patamon. "we're testing them?" he asked again.

Patamon just stared into space, having some oblivious knowledge that they were referring to him, like a cat at a vet.

Patamon: (cat) I bet "neutered" means that they're giving me all the mice I could ever want.

Gatomon: Ha ha ha, very funny.

"well, I can't think of a better way to-"

"what are we testing them on?? I mean, what COULD we test them on??"

"well, I want to see which one of them would…" she stopped to think, being carful in the presence of one of her testee's… (did I just say Kari had testes?)

Kari: Okay, when we get out of here, Jodan sings Soprano.

Gatomon: No, calm down. Someone you do a test of would be a testee.

Kari: Right.

"be better… fit… for the job."

Davis: Once again, this isn't something where only weirdoes with no lives will be looking for double meanings.

TK gave her a questioning look. "I don't follow."

"well…" she sighed, standing up, grabbing TK by the collar and leading him into the next room. "I want to know which one of them would better… `satisfy' Gatomon, because that's REALLY what she needs. For all I know, one of them could pop in 5 seconds!"

"pop?" he asked confused, before she gave him a blank stare for a few moments before he blushed. "oh."

"my point exactly."

"so you just want to know which would be better at sex?"

"yes. It couldn't be put simpler."

"I guess that makes sense…"

both their heads turned to the buzz of the doorbell. They turned their faces quickly back to eachother, then back to the apartment portal as they walked up to it, TK opening the door while Kari sat down in her previous spot.

"HEY TK!" Davis happily gloated, giving him a `friendly' slap on the back which sent him into the wall. "oop, sorry `bout that…" he then snickered, walking in, sitting on the chair opposite Kari while Veemon quietly padded in, walking up to Patamon. "do you have any idea what's going on?" he asked, smiling slightly, remembering it had something to do with his "beloved". Patamon just shook his head no, as Kari began silently explaining the situation to Davis, while TK watched. Moments later, Davis's face went from slightly more confused than usual to ecstatic. "REALLY?!? That's great!" Kari looked slightly stunned.

"really? You don't mind?"

"of course not! Veemon's a fully grown mon, not some lil' kid! He's my best friend and I'd do anything to make him happy… wait, why did you think I'd mind?"

TK sighed, annoyed as Kari looked at him. "because of me… I don't… well, I won't stand in his way, but frankly, I don't like the idea of Patamon being involved in this."

Davis's expression went back to confused, but then to more understanding, and strangely enough, somewhat wise.

"TK, Patamon's as adult as he's ever gonna be. You can't ba-"

Davis: -the him in the sink anymore.

"-by him forever, I know, I know… I've heard this speech from Kari." Davis nodded.

"so where's Gatomon now?" he continued, making sure he fully understood the situation. Kari grinned slightly.

"she felt so bad for what she did to agumon, I assured her that only a well practiced song and dance routine would make him feel better… I only hope she finishes and performs it before her next tantrum…" Kari added, picturing Gatomon going on in a rant to poor bandaged agumon about how dare he watch her entertain him and pummel him further. "poor guy must feel so emasculated right now though…" she continued, somewhat in a babblish form, while Patamon and Veemon began a chorus of the bohemian rhapsody.

TK: Told you.

"oh no…" TK muttered, seeing this coming.

"is this the real life???" Patamon started.

"is this just fantasy???" Veemon continued.

"caught in a laaaaaaand slide…"

"no escape from reality!"

Davis grinned and lept toward them, joining the two as they all sang in unison. "open your eyes… look up to the sky and seeeeeee… I'm just a poor boy (poor boy) I need no sympathy…"

TK slapped his own forehead. "concentrate man!" he shouted to the holder of courage and friendship, snapping him out of it.

Davis eyed them both nervously, before putting one hand on his partner's shoulder. "Veemon, we have to talk."

"hmm? `bout what?"

Davis looked up to TK who nodded at him, as they both picked up their digimon and brought them into the other room, while Kari waited patiently.

"YE GODS!!!!!" two unanimous shouts came from the next room making Kari fall off her chair in surprise.

Davis: My thoughts exactly. I wouldn't think that a Gatomon in a bad mood would want to know that, on the advice of someone named "Tony" posing as Ms Cleo, two Digimon with major crushes on her are taking a test to see who's the best one to screw her six ways from Sunday.

TK: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree, Davis.

"guess they know now…" she mumbled to herself from the floor.

1 hour later

"so you both understand the rules?" Kari asked, sitting in front of Patamon and Veemon, in a leather chair in the bedroom, while the two digimon sat on stools, Davis and TK in the next room. Kari clutched a clipboard, as they both nodded diligently, more eager than anything to begin, as they occasionally looked to the other in a competitive manner.

"recite them." Kari said flatly, wanting to make sure they weren't just horny as hell.

Veemon: A little from column "a", a little form column "b".

"we'll be asked some questions, and whoever does best wins." Veemon bluntly stated.

"….alright, yea, that's about it." Kari said, thinking about it for a moment. "any questions?"

"do we get lifelines?" Veemon questioned, thinking of Davis and his disturbingly extensive knowledge of female anatomy. Kari giggled. "sorry, you'll just have to go off what you know. All set?"

the two nodded diligently, now, more than ever, rivals. "alright…" she agreed, remembering her first planned question. "Time for phase one of `Operation Get Gato Laid'…" she thought to herself smirking. "I'll start with some basics. First question: where do you stick it?" she asked, trying not to giggle from the situation at hand, while the two formidable rookies blushed.

Veemon smiled. "that's easy! If it's one thing I learned from all those so-called `educational' books Davis and jun have, it's the phrase they repeat over and over. `the penis goes into the vagina, the penis goes into the vagina.' It's like a broken record." He said shrugging, and blushing slightly himself.

Davis: I object to that accusation.

TK: That you're being characterized as a filthy pervert?

Davis: No, that I would share those `educational' books with my sister. I mean, that's about two steps away from incest!

"very good, Veemon." Kari replied nodding to him.

"well actually…" Patamon started drawing both their attention. "there are a few places you can put it, being gentle so your partner has the ultimate passionate experience."

Kari's face turned to one of slight shock, but then to a victorious smile. "that's great Patamon! Question one goes to you." She justified, checking off a small line next to his name on her clipboard, as Veemon growled slightly under his breath, making sure neither of the two heard; he didn't want to come off as a sore loser… at least not yet.

"alrighty, next question." Kari stated, putting her chain-attached pen down, snuggling slightly more into the leather chair she sat in, enjoying the aura this competition gave off; both of these mon wanted nothing more in the world than what this little quiz was giving as a prize. The love of their lives, and not to mention the hottest champion in the digiworld, all to themselves for a good, solid amount of time.

"this one is less of a question, and more of a survey thing… really, it wouldv'e been more appropiate to ask this in the beginning. Could you both give me your…" she coughed slightly, blushing terribly. "…size?"

Davis: 10 inches.

TK: No one asked you.

Davis: I know, I'm just bragging.

Kari: Confirmed.

Veemon and Patamon joined in the blush-O-rama that this entire session was turning into as they turned their heads to face eachother, before turning back to Kari.

"I though TK said women don't care about size…" Patamon reminded himself aloud.

"that's a statement of insecurity." Veemon informed the smaller, winged digimon. "it means he has a small dick." He finished, feeling very informative.

(All prisoners, and even Yolei start snickering at TK)

"no it doesn't!!" Patamon yelped back, feeling more offended than anything.

"actually it does, Patamon." Kari informed him, not really paying attention. "wait, TK SAID THAT??"

Patamon nodded.

"but he-….and I-… and I wanted to…and we were going to… OH DANG!"

Davis/Kari: Damn fic authors!

Kari snapped in dissapointment, throwing her clip board to the ground and crossing her arms. Both the rookies stared at her like cows starring into the headlights of a truck, before Kari realized she declared her want for TK's now inadequate pink thing

(Everyone snickers at TK again)

outloud. Blushing profusely, and frowning slightly as if nothing had happened, she quickly picked up her clip board, while the two digimon gaped at her cluelessly. "well? I need to know!" she informed them, bringing them back to earth, as they remembered their given questions.

"um… about 11 inches." Veemon informed her, as Patamon added on.

"and I'm around 14." He blushed as he spoke.

"alrighty…" Kari muttered to herself, jotting it down. "lemme see…translating from masculine fantasy to reality, that's about… 6 inches for Veemon… and 4 for Patamon."

Suzie: Hey, that's not bad considering they're about two feet tall.

Davis: Remind me, what did you measure Terriermon at?

Suzie: Six inches.

Davis: …statement withdrawn.

Both digimon sat in silence.

"she's good." Veemon spoke, breaking the eerie pause.

"too good…" was all Patamon could add in a downtrodden fashion, stunned at her accuracy.

"question two." She stated like a government official as she clicked her pen a few times to ink it up… or for effect, nobody knew. "what do you SAY during the sex?" she asked, leaning over slightly, curious of their answers.

Impmon: Next time, you wear the handcuffs.

Veemon scratched his head bashfully. "umm…harder?" was all he could think of while Patamon seemed to ponder the question.

"I would whisper sweet coo's of nothingness and love into her ear…" he spoke softly, looking up in a somewhat dreamy glassy-eyed state.

Kari nodded happily. "that's another one for Patamon." She said, putting another small check next to Patamon's name, while Veemon sulked softly, so as no one noticed.

"question the third." She stated, trying to put somewhat of a corny thespian spin on her pre-notion. "true or false: the female orgasm." She asked, not blushing so much now, but getting into the disturbing mood this room held.

TK: False.

Davis: Maybe for you, pal. But for those of us who prefer it consensual, it's damn real.

"oooooooooh yeah. It's real." Veemon stated flatly, rubbing the back of his head with one hand.

"it's not a myth like some people say…" Patamon started. "but there are different kinds. There is the multiple, the long, the short `n sweet… it actually helps to know you partner in this sense, so you can adjust to help her feel more comfortable." Veemon glared at him. "show off…" the blue dragon muttered as Kari put another check next to Patamon's name, realizing the odds for him at this point. 3 to nil, not counting the survey question.

Veemon: Which was really what was important.

TK: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.

"alright, this is the last question I can think of…" Kari said stretching, winking at Patamon as he giggled in delight, making Veemon want to retch. "I suppose there's always Palmon…" Veemon thought to himself sadly. "wait, what the hell am I thinking?!? Palmon?!? Well… lillymon maybe…" he continued in his mind, sulking slightly at his missed opportunity to bang the girl of his dreams.

"what is the clitoris?" Kari asked, looking to both of them for an answer. Veemon opened his mouth, before closing it. "what's the point?" he figured. "I'm sure the sex master sitting next to me will have-"

"no idea?? Not the slightest?" Kari asked, more shocked than anything as Patamon shook his head no.

"is it another word for your belly button?"

All females: Very wrong answer, pal.

Patamon asked, somewhat confused as Veemon looked on in wonder.

"the clitoris is a small sensitive hooded nub right above the labia that makes a girl scream when touched or rubbed but especially licked as it is the primary cause of the female orgasm!!!!!!!" Veemon bawled out faster than anything he's ever said before, making both the eyes of the small golden digimon and Kari turn to him as he stood on his stool, finger towards the sky in a triumphant `eureka' fashion, panting for breath. Without moving his finger, he looked to both of them who were starring at him like an insane mon, before he put his hand down and slowly decended back into his stool.

Davis: Dude, you can almost see the light of knowledge glowing around him there.

"Patamon…" Kari started, turning to him. "you obviously know how to be romantic…"

"yup!" he confirmed, grinning.

"and your very respectful…"

Patamon nodded to this. "you have to make them know they're loved."

"but….you have no idea what the clitoris is?"

Yolei: You are the weakest link, goodbye.

Suzie: A bit late for those ones.

Yolei: The classics never go out of style.

Patamon's smile faded. "well….. Veemon just….. gave me….some idea…but, not really, no."

Kari bowed her head in thought for a few seconds, before raising it again.

"Veemon wins."

Both the digimons' eyes bulged, Veemon lifting his head from the silent shadowy sulk, and Patamon's smile cracking into a slightly hanging agent jaw. Kari closed her eyes and nodded, expecting this reaction.

"……uh?" was all Patamon could seem to squeak out, without even moving his jaw.

"……geh?" Veemon unanimously muttered.

"Patamon, you obviously care for Gatomon very much, but this isn't really….well….about love."

"but….it's…….SEX!!!" Patamon mumbled pitifully, before yelping out the last part, obviously confused.

TK: The two aren't eternally interlocked.

Davis: You would know.

"yes, Patamon, it's sex. But that's ALL it is! I don't want any kind of relationship to start because of this…"

"HEY! Hold on just a second!" Veemon interrupted. "I may not know as much about romance as Patamon… but I love Gatomon! May no doubt be in your mind, Kari!" he spoke very truthfully, putting his hand on his chest while speaking of himself, and moving it in a motion to her for the second sentence. Kari nodded, while Patamon watched on, waiting to argue his point once more.

"I know you do Veemon… I didn't choose you because I thought you didn't."

"well then why DID you chose him??" Patamon asked, somewhat harshly, but curious.

"well….like I said….. I would rather have a mon who really can…..satisfy her."

"you SAID whoever answers the most questions right!" Patamon snapped.

"well….yes, but what I meant was-"

Kari: Who ever answers the most important question right.

"What you meant?? WHAT YOU MEANT?!?" Patamon shouted interrupting her. "YOU MEANT NOTHING BUT TO SEE ME SUFFER YOU HEARTLESS WHENCH!!!" Veemon cringed slightly, feeling the awkwardness of his presence at the given moment.

"Patamon, please-" Kari started, fearing something like this might happen.

"NO!" was all he could think of answering. "no Kari." He spoke softly, leaving Kari looking sadly at the ground, almost feeling the emotions of the small angel, before he silently left the room, obviously tortured inside.

Veemon couldn't help but feel sorry for his rival, the amounts of disappointment distributed as he discovered Kari's choice. But he raised his head, smiling. He had won. Due to somewhat of a fluke perhaps, but none the less! He had the privilege! The opportunity! The right! The trust, just, must and lust! He was gonna nail Gatomon! O glory of glories! O prize of prizes! O lay of lays!!! But…

Impmon: You're focussin' on da butt? Man, she chose da wrong guy!

"hey wait a second!" Veemon spoke in a complaining tone. "how are we gonna pull it off??"

"her gloves y'mean? She should do that by herself."

"nonono, how are WE going to pull off this entire….thing??"

"oh. Well. You leave that to me, alright?" she said smirking, tapping his nose.

"why? Y'got a plan?" Veemon asked curiously looking up to her as she grinned.

Kari: Nope, I'm just hoping everything will work out.

"Do y'really think this will work?" Gatomon asked tai, as she adjusted her cowboy's hat. "I'm not that great a singer…"

tai smiled, giving her a once-over. "of course it will! Agumon saw `Annie Get Your Gun' in theaters with me a few months back and he's been humming the tunes to himself ever since! This'll definatly make up for chipping his tooth… and breaking his arm." Tai smirked, backing up, putting his two hand together to that only the forefinger touched the thumb of the other hand and vice versa, as if to make a little example photo. "pretty as a picture!"

"Really?" Gatomon asked hopefully, thankfully in her one of her better moods.

"If I were Jessie James I'd be on ya like white on a republican!"

Davis: Okay, we're talking about a guy. It was Jesse James. Spelt without an "I".

Kari: Pet peeve?

Davis: How'd you guess?

She grinned cheesily at this comment, blushing slightly and rubbing the back of her head. "Well… cue the music!"

Tai grinned wider as he tapped a button on his rather loud stereo CD player, causing the disk within, `Annie Get Your Gun', to start spinning wildly, playing track #7. Gatomon sighed, taking a deep breath of confidence before bouncing into the living room of the Kamiya apartment to the beat. Agumon, sitting on the sofa as Tai told him to, jumped in surprise, a little scared to see her.

Gatomon tried not to giggle at his uncharacteristic nervousness, as she tipped her hat, before beginning.

"anything you can do I can do better,

Suzie: No good can come of using this song.

I can do anything better than you!" she sang, pointing at him with an evil grin on her face, as of the singer. Agumon, delighted decided to play along, as she started again.

"anywhere you can run I can run faster, I can do anything better than you!" she continued, before he joined in.

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

what poor agumon DIDN'T realize was that she was no longer singing……her mood swing kicked in.

Suzie: Surprise, surprise.

"YES I CAN!!!!"

"NO YOU CAN'T!!" he shouted back, a little surprised at how good she was at this, even if she was repeating this part for longer than she was supposed to…

Gatomon, infuriated, swiftly lept to agumons chest, pinning him against the sofa as she started punching him, swinging his head to either side by the force of the blows she gave per word.

"YES! I! CAN! DON'T! QUESTION! ME! YOU! STUPID! UGLY! DINOSAUR!!!!!!"

Davis: STRONG! EMPHASIS! ON! EVERY! WORD! SAID!

she continued to scream before tai ran in grabbing her by the arms as she kicked and screamed. "GET OFF ME!! HE'S TRYING TO CENSOR ME!!! THAT MASCULINE ASSHEAD THINK'S HE'S BETTER THAN ME JUST BECAUSE HE'S MALE!!!!!!"

agumon, meanwhile, curled up on the floor, which he fell to in a fetal position, shaking, eyes clenched shut. as tai tried his best to hold the kicking, screaming, squirming feline down, as luck would have it, Kari arrived home, clasping one hand to her mouth as she saw the heap of agumon, as she rushed to tai, to help hold her down.

TK: This is where there's an amusing picture of Gatomon beating the crap out of Agumon while Tai looks on stunned. It's also a good cut-off point.

Davis: We'll be back to this later?

TK: Yes, after five more bad ones. Try to remember the plot details.

(Davis writes something on a sheet of paper)

TK: Care to tell us what that says?

Davis: (Reading) Gatomon = bitch, Agumon = victim, Veemon = lucky bastard, Patamon = jealous, TF = tiny.

Yolei: (snickering) That just about sums it up.

TK: Yeah, that sounds about… wait a minute…

THE END

TK: No, it's not, I demand a chance to defend myself against the accusations made in this story!

Hey, no one came out of that story looking good. In case you didn't notice, Patamon was a jealous pig, Davis and Veemon were a pair of perverted morons, Kari was completely gullible, and Gatomon was a total bitch. They didn't see any need to defend themselves, why do you need to?

TK: …

That's what I thought. THE END