Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Empty Fears ❯ Empty Fears ( One-Shot )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: StarryNight 
Daisuke is depressed and looking for something to fix him. References to suicide and self mutilation. Kensuke.
Anime/Manga: Digimon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama / Psychological / Romance | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.16.2002 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.3K | Visits: 1.0K | Status: Completed
Daisuke is depressed and looking for something to fix him. References to suicide and self mutilation. Kensuke.
Anime/Manga: Digimon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama / Psychological / Romance | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.16.2002 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.3K | Visits: 1.0K | Status: Completed
Empty Fears
By: Liz
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am using them for fun, not profit. If you desire money, then don't sue me-I'm a college student :-p
Rating: R (attempted suicide, references to self-mutilation)
Author's Notes: Well, someone (they didn't give me a name) asked me to do a suicidal Daisuke fic, since they liked the way I make the cheerful characters depressed and suicidal (i.e. Taichi, Satoshi, Duo). *blinks* That's an interesting thing to like, but I'll give this a shot. They also requested a Kensuke pairing, or at least a Kensuke leaning, so I'll try that, too :) And this will be odd, but I'm using the Japanese names for the kids, but the sub names for the Digimon, mainly because I don't know the Japanese names for them. So yes, I am aware of this. If the person who requested this is on this list, let me know, please?
Archiving: Anywhere, just keep my name and disclaimers attached, and just drop me a note to let me know where it's going.
Feedback is always appreciated. Flames will be passed to my friends for amusement value and then saved for my next camping trip so we have something to start the fire with.
**********
I don't think anyone really sees me. They choose to see what they want-the obnoxious joker whose only purpose in life is to be mocked. If only they really looked at me, however...what would they see?
Would they see what I see every day? A boy who's living on the brink, a person who knows that his real friends are practically nonexistent, that has seen how cruel the world really is.
If they looked into my eyes-just once-would they see all this? But they don't. They never do.
Actually...that's not *completely* true. I think...I think Ken sees, sometimes, what is in my heart. But...does he really, or is that just wishful thinking on my part? Do I think that because I love him?
Yes, love. I know that I supposedly loved Hikari, but I know the truth behind that. She was the first person in such a long time to be *nice* to me that I thought it meant something. When Takeru showed up, though, I knew the truth instantly. I saw it in her eyes, and I knew who she really loved. Then why did I keep trying? Because I didn't want to lose the one friend I thought I had. If I had known that my mask would just drive her away...drive them *all* away.
I am a digidestined. You would think that would mean I had ready-made friends-Miyako and Iori were accepted into the fold quickly enough. But...not really. Before Ken, the closest thing I had to a *real* friend in the Digidestined was Taichi, but that was more of a hero-worship thing. I respected him, and I think he liked having someone look up to him. But everyone else....
I don't associate much with the old group, anyway. The only ones I see much are Koushiro, Mimi, and Yamato. Koushiro...well, I know he wonders how someone as stupid as me became 'destined in the first place. Mimi's sweet, but she seems to like everyone, and she lives in America to boot. And Yamato...I'm not sure if he dislikes me for *me* or if it's because I don't get along with his brother. Either way, now that he's dating Taichi and they're always together, I'm losing Taichi, too.
This generation...they're worse than the older ones. Hikari treats me with scorn, though I've toned down my 'affections.' Takeru still thinks I'm after Hikari, and he hates me for that. He also thinks I'm a self-centered jerk who cares for no one but myself. Sadly, that opinion is echoed by Miyako and Iori...can't they see it's not true? I put on that façade, but in reality...every single one of them is more important than me. It's why I worked so hard to befriend Ken, to bring him into the group. Even if he was the Digimon Kaizer, he's still better than me.
I suppose that's what it all comes down to. I *know* I'm worth nothing...but there's still a part of me that wants to be convinced that I *am* worth something. Before Ken, all I got was ridicule and scorn, everyone thinking they had to take me down a few pegs, deflate my ego. Even Taichi. What they couldn't see was that I was *already* down, that my ego and self-confidence was only a mask...a mask that comes closer to shattering every day.
But Ken...he was nice to me. Not out of obligation, which is what I think Hikari's original friendship was, but because he *wanted* to be. He truly couldn't see what I saw in him-a kind, loving, gentle person that just happened to be trapped within a shell. And I swore to break that shell.
I just didn't realize that in freeing Ken, I was imprisoning myself.
I really began to see him, to see what he's like inside...and I fell in love. Not with the image, like Hikari, but with the real thing.
You know, it's funny. I, the friendless jerk, not only *got* the Digiegg of Friendship, but managed to turn someone that everyone else thought of as unsalvageable into a real friend. And...you want to know what's more amusing? That everyone else was against this...but once Ken started to come out of his shell and make overtures, everyone accepted him. And they credited themselves. And shut me out even more.
I think-no matter how much I love Ken-that I might've left the group if it weren't for the Jogress thing. Paildramon and Imperialdramon were important...and I'm not really selfish. I wasn't going to let the world-the *worlds*--be destroyed. Besides, other than Ken, Veemon was my only real friend, and I couldn't hurt him, not for anything.
But...it's over now. The Digimon are back in the Digital World, so there's nothing holding us together anymore. My truest friend is gone. I'm being ignored at school again. Ken and I still hang out, but since he goes to a different school and lives on the other side of the city, it's sometimes hard to get together. And whenever the group gets together...I'm either an afterthought or not invited at all. Ken would try to include me...but I get tired of being where I'm not wanted, you know?
And now...we haven't been spending much time together anymore, and I've heard that he's beginning to return Miyako's constant flirting. I have to admit, that crushed me more than anything else. Before, at least I had a dream of a chance-he shared more with me than anyone else-but...I can't compete with Miyako. And I'm not sure I want to. Ken deserves better than me. And that would be anyone.
Truth is, everyone deserves better than me. Veemon deserved a better partner. The group deserved a better 'destined. My parents deserve a better son, Jun deserves a better brother. I'd been fighting it for so long now, but...I am worthless. I'm a horrible person-stupid, loud, obnoxious. Even if that is just my mask. But my real self is worse. Depressed, lonely...empty. That's the core of it-I'm empty inside. And nature abhors a vacuum.
Is that why I'm sitting here alone in the park on a beautiful day writing this? Upon reading this over, it seems very disjointed, but we all know I'm not bright. In any case, it describes me better than thirteen years of life have. Empty. Is that why I never cared about dying in the Digital World, why I still wish to die? Empty space should be filled with something useful...and that is not me. Never has been, never will be.
Everyone I know deserves more than who I am.
**********
I sigh as I again read over what I've written. In a few pages, I've summed up my entire life...which I suppose would be sad if I had the capacity to feel sadness anymore. But I don't-I'm numb.
I run my hand over my left arm, feeling the scars and cuts through the sleeve. Lately, pain is all I can feel, be it physical or emotional, but mainly physical. The cutting...helps, reminds me that at least some part of me is human.
Absently rolling up my sleeve, I trace the veins in my wrist with my pen. They're easy to see, seeing as I've basically stopped eating. No one noticed that either. But the black ink seems to be to be a road map...and I know what I want to do...need to do. I pick up my pen and begin writing again.
**********
I guess I know the obvious conclusion to all of this-and it doesn't scare me. I *want* to die. But...I can't, not without saying some things, first. I had intended for no one to ever see this, but...I need to say this...and even if you do not think of me as a friend, I think of all of you as friends...and friends deserve explanations.
Sora and Jyou, I did not know you very well, but you're Digidestined. No matter what, you're destined to succeed.
Mimi...you *are* the essence of Purity. Your sincere heart and nature means that you never try to hurt anyone on purpose. And you never really did that to me...no more than some. But maybe that is worse. You're never intentionally cruel, but sometimes thoughtless cruelty is much worse. I'm sorry for saying that, but it's true.
Koushiro, you're a very intelligent guy-and I think that's where our difficulty was. You're too smart for someone as stupid as me and you knew it, too. That doesn't mean I appreciate being talked down to...we're all people, after all. And it hurt every time you automatically assumed I wouldn't get something. I got more than I let on-including your dislike for me. And I know you still communicate with the Digital World. Tell Veemon for me...that I'm sorry. That I do love him.
Taichi, Yamato...I address you as one person. Taichi liked me and Yamato hated me. You've tempered each other, to the point where you both are now cool and tolerate me. Yamato, I never figured out just *why* you hated me. Was it because of Jun, or Takeru? Was it because all you saw was a punk kid who wanted to be more like Taichi? Well, that's true. I *did* want to be like Taichi-have his confidence, his ability to make friends. But I have none of it, nothing. I can't even hang onto the friends I thought I had. But be happy together. I should be wishing you the worst, but I can't. It's not in me.
Hikari...I can't say anything to you. I wanted to be your friend...wanted to love you. But all you saw was the 'stupid dork that fawned over Taichi.' Yes, that was a quote. I could quote so many thing that you never knew I overheard...but I won't say them. All I know is that you hate me...but I can't hate you. I've tried, but I can't.
Takeru, did you *ever* get past seeing me as your rival? Did you ever try? Did you ever care that you were helping to destroy me, that the child of Hope was taking away the hope that someone had? I wanted to be friends with you, Takeru. I tried. But I guess I failed. Like everything else, I failed.
Miyako, like Taichi, you were everything I wanted to be. Funny, popular, a bit of a smartass...but what worked for you and drew in people was a repellent for me. You claim to be able to see the good in everyone, that you want to give everyone a chance...but you never gave me one. You made a snap judgment and never changed it. I don't know if you even tried. You even gave Ken a second chance. Ken...take care of Ken, Miyako. You have something precious there.
Iori, what can I say? Even if you rarely directly insulted me and excluded me, you *did* go along with everyone else. You snubbed me and made me feel worthless...more worthless than I am.
Ken...I love you. That's all I can say. I love you, and as much as I want to be with you, I refuse to burden you. Any of you.
And that's it, other than...goodbye.
**********
My hand is cramping. I'm glad I finished when I did-I don't know if I could've kept that up for much longer.
The sun is starting to set. I'll go home, put this in an envelope or something-do I want to mail it or leave it?-and tonight...I die. It's not like I have any reason to live for tomorrow.
I flip back to the beginning of my little monologue, and think if there's anything else that I need to say. As I'm thinking, a shadow falls over me. "What are you doing, Daisuke?"
I slam the notebook shut and whirl around. Great...I really needed to see Ken *now*. I didn't want to see anyone. "Writing," I answer, trying to sound vague.
"Really?" He sounds shocked, and I feel my shoulders sag in sadness. Bet he thought I was next to illiterate, too. "Can I read it?"
"Ummm...." A thought occurs to me-yes, I *do* think. I hand Ken the notebook. "Sure...just do me one favor?"
"Of course, Dai."
I have to keep myself from melting. Just because he calls me by a nickname is *not* a declaration of undying love. "Don't read it until I leave. I'm...kinda shy about my writing, and I don't think I could be around when you read it without dying of embarrassment." Oh, smooth choice of words, Daisuke.
"All right." He smiles at me, and I feel an urge to prolong this encounter, but...I have something to do now. "Actually, I've got to go home."
"You don't want to hang out?"
"I *want* to, but I can't. Parents, you know?" I'm lying through my teeth, but he's making this so *hard*, almost as if he senses this is his last chance.
He laughs. "I sure do. See you later, Dai."
I decide to give in one time. Think of it as my last request for myself. I lean over and hug him. "Goodbye, Ken."
Before I can do more than register his look of surprise, I'm off and running.
This is *my* destiny.
**********
I look after Daisuke as he runs. I can still feel his arms around me and I wonder what brought that on. Sure he's hugged me before, but that was when I was upset, and I'm fine now.
And...why did his farewell seem so...final?
I look at the notebook laying on the bench next to me. I never thought of Daisuke as a writer before, but I've always thought that he had deep thoughts running in him, deeper than anyone suspected. I ought to take this home and read it properly.
But...something deep within me is calling urgency, and he only said to wait until he is gone, so I open the book and begin to read. 'I don't think anyone really sees me....' As I continue, I realize how right I was. This is urgent...I never thought Daisuke saw himself this way....
I read it slowly, trying to get every bit of meaning possible. When my name is mentioned, I blush. He...loves me? Apparently so. His narrative ends...and it begins again. And what I read....
I gasp and shoot to my feet as realization sets in. No wonder he sounded so final when he said goodbye-it *was* goodbye-eternally! And knowing this...what do I do now? I could call the others...but judging from what he says to them, I doubt they would be helpful. Fine. I'll do this myself. Though I wish Wormmon were here....
I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life. Even during soccer...but that's just a game and this is *life*. I arrive at his apartment and just manage to stop myself from banging on the door, knocking politely instead. Jun answers. "Is Daisuke around?" I ask.
"Yeah, he's in his room." The she looks more closely at me. "Is something wrong?"
I push past her. "Maybe."
Without knocking, I practically barge into his room. "What is it, Jun?" he asks without turning. He sounds so...dull. Dead...don't think that, Ken!
"It's not Jun." I close the door, seeing his flinch as he recognizes my voice. As I walk over to where he is sitting at his desk, I see the razor blades sitting there. I throw the notebook onto the surface, knocking the blades away. "I read it."
"You weren't supposed to, yet. You were supposed to read it *after* I was gone."
"You had left...." Understanding dawns on me. "You mean, gone from *life*."
"Five more minutes, and it would've been done," he says, ignoring me. "Five minutes...and it wouldn't have mattered. It still doesn't."
It's now I see what I have missed-the blade already in his hand, the blade he is lowering to his wrist. "No!" I shout as I dive for him. I'm so afraid...but there's no blood....
"Ken...why?" Where is the spark I'm used to seeing in his eyes?
"Because you can't die."
"What do you care? No one does."
I slap him. "Don't say that! Don't you *dare* say that! I care! What would you say if I told you right now that I love you?"
"I'd say that you're doing it out of pity because you don't want me to kill myself."
"Well, you're right on one count-I *don't* want you to kill yourself. But pity? No...I do love you, Dai."
He blinks and I see tears form in his eyes. "But...why did you...what about Miyako?"
"Why did I what? Stop hanging out with you so much? I couldn't-it hurt. And Miyako...she's a friend, nothing more-and she knows it."
"Ken...." He begins to cry in earnest, and I wrap my arms around him. "I want to die, I want to live...I hurt and I'm scared and alone, so lonely...."
I cradle him close to my heart, treating him like the fragile porcelain he is. "Not alone now...and we'll get you though this."
"How?"
I sigh. "We'll start by talking...you and I, and with *everyone*. They need to know all this...from *you*, not from your death. And then...we'll take it one day at a time. It's all we can do."
He clings to me. "I'm scared, Ken...I love you...don't leave me alone."
I kiss the top of his head. "I love you too, Dai. And I'll be here for you. You're not alone anymore."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the sun setting. This day is over...I know it will be many more until my Daisuke recovers, but we all have to start somewhere. We *all* have a day one.
**********
The End
**********
Like I always say at the end of these things-suicide, self-mutilation...that's not the way to go. Talk to someone...you're never as alone as you think. Believe me.
By: Liz
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am using them for fun, not profit. If you desire money, then don't sue me-I'm a college student :-p
Rating: R (attempted suicide, references to self-mutilation)
Author's Notes: Well, someone (they didn't give me a name) asked me to do a suicidal Daisuke fic, since they liked the way I make the cheerful characters depressed and suicidal (i.e. Taichi, Satoshi, Duo). *blinks* That's an interesting thing to like, but I'll give this a shot. They also requested a Kensuke pairing, or at least a Kensuke leaning, so I'll try that, too :) And this will be odd, but I'm using the Japanese names for the kids, but the sub names for the Digimon, mainly because I don't know the Japanese names for them. So yes, I am aware of this. If the person who requested this is on this list, let me know, please?
Archiving: Anywhere, just keep my name and disclaimers attached, and just drop me a note to let me know where it's going.
Feedback is always appreciated. Flames will be passed to my friends for amusement value and then saved for my next camping trip so we have something to start the fire with.
**********
I don't think anyone really sees me. They choose to see what they want-the obnoxious joker whose only purpose in life is to be mocked. If only they really looked at me, however...what would they see?
Would they see what I see every day? A boy who's living on the brink, a person who knows that his real friends are practically nonexistent, that has seen how cruel the world really is.
If they looked into my eyes-just once-would they see all this? But they don't. They never do.
Actually...that's not *completely* true. I think...I think Ken sees, sometimes, what is in my heart. But...does he really, or is that just wishful thinking on my part? Do I think that because I love him?
Yes, love. I know that I supposedly loved Hikari, but I know the truth behind that. She was the first person in such a long time to be *nice* to me that I thought it meant something. When Takeru showed up, though, I knew the truth instantly. I saw it in her eyes, and I knew who she really loved. Then why did I keep trying? Because I didn't want to lose the one friend I thought I had. If I had known that my mask would just drive her away...drive them *all* away.
I am a digidestined. You would think that would mean I had ready-made friends-Miyako and Iori were accepted into the fold quickly enough. But...not really. Before Ken, the closest thing I had to a *real* friend in the Digidestined was Taichi, but that was more of a hero-worship thing. I respected him, and I think he liked having someone look up to him. But everyone else....
I don't associate much with the old group, anyway. The only ones I see much are Koushiro, Mimi, and Yamato. Koushiro...well, I know he wonders how someone as stupid as me became 'destined in the first place. Mimi's sweet, but she seems to like everyone, and she lives in America to boot. And Yamato...I'm not sure if he dislikes me for *me* or if it's because I don't get along with his brother. Either way, now that he's dating Taichi and they're always together, I'm losing Taichi, too.
This generation...they're worse than the older ones. Hikari treats me with scorn, though I've toned down my 'affections.' Takeru still thinks I'm after Hikari, and he hates me for that. He also thinks I'm a self-centered jerk who cares for no one but myself. Sadly, that opinion is echoed by Miyako and Iori...can't they see it's not true? I put on that façade, but in reality...every single one of them is more important than me. It's why I worked so hard to befriend Ken, to bring him into the group. Even if he was the Digimon Kaizer, he's still better than me.
I suppose that's what it all comes down to. I *know* I'm worth nothing...but there's still a part of me that wants to be convinced that I *am* worth something. Before Ken, all I got was ridicule and scorn, everyone thinking they had to take me down a few pegs, deflate my ego. Even Taichi. What they couldn't see was that I was *already* down, that my ego and self-confidence was only a mask...a mask that comes closer to shattering every day.
But Ken...he was nice to me. Not out of obligation, which is what I think Hikari's original friendship was, but because he *wanted* to be. He truly couldn't see what I saw in him-a kind, loving, gentle person that just happened to be trapped within a shell. And I swore to break that shell.
I just didn't realize that in freeing Ken, I was imprisoning myself.
I really began to see him, to see what he's like inside...and I fell in love. Not with the image, like Hikari, but with the real thing.
You know, it's funny. I, the friendless jerk, not only *got* the Digiegg of Friendship, but managed to turn someone that everyone else thought of as unsalvageable into a real friend. And...you want to know what's more amusing? That everyone else was against this...but once Ken started to come out of his shell and make overtures, everyone accepted him. And they credited themselves. And shut me out even more.
I think-no matter how much I love Ken-that I might've left the group if it weren't for the Jogress thing. Paildramon and Imperialdramon were important...and I'm not really selfish. I wasn't going to let the world-the *worlds*--be destroyed. Besides, other than Ken, Veemon was my only real friend, and I couldn't hurt him, not for anything.
But...it's over now. The Digimon are back in the Digital World, so there's nothing holding us together anymore. My truest friend is gone. I'm being ignored at school again. Ken and I still hang out, but since he goes to a different school and lives on the other side of the city, it's sometimes hard to get together. And whenever the group gets together...I'm either an afterthought or not invited at all. Ken would try to include me...but I get tired of being where I'm not wanted, you know?
And now...we haven't been spending much time together anymore, and I've heard that he's beginning to return Miyako's constant flirting. I have to admit, that crushed me more than anything else. Before, at least I had a dream of a chance-he shared more with me than anyone else-but...I can't compete with Miyako. And I'm not sure I want to. Ken deserves better than me. And that would be anyone.
Truth is, everyone deserves better than me. Veemon deserved a better partner. The group deserved a better 'destined. My parents deserve a better son, Jun deserves a better brother. I'd been fighting it for so long now, but...I am worthless. I'm a horrible person-stupid, loud, obnoxious. Even if that is just my mask. But my real self is worse. Depressed, lonely...empty. That's the core of it-I'm empty inside. And nature abhors a vacuum.
Is that why I'm sitting here alone in the park on a beautiful day writing this? Upon reading this over, it seems very disjointed, but we all know I'm not bright. In any case, it describes me better than thirteen years of life have. Empty. Is that why I never cared about dying in the Digital World, why I still wish to die? Empty space should be filled with something useful...and that is not me. Never has been, never will be.
Everyone I know deserves more than who I am.
**********
I sigh as I again read over what I've written. In a few pages, I've summed up my entire life...which I suppose would be sad if I had the capacity to feel sadness anymore. But I don't-I'm numb.
I run my hand over my left arm, feeling the scars and cuts through the sleeve. Lately, pain is all I can feel, be it physical or emotional, but mainly physical. The cutting...helps, reminds me that at least some part of me is human.
Absently rolling up my sleeve, I trace the veins in my wrist with my pen. They're easy to see, seeing as I've basically stopped eating. No one noticed that either. But the black ink seems to be to be a road map...and I know what I want to do...need to do. I pick up my pen and begin writing again.
**********
I guess I know the obvious conclusion to all of this-and it doesn't scare me. I *want* to die. But...I can't, not without saying some things, first. I had intended for no one to ever see this, but...I need to say this...and even if you do not think of me as a friend, I think of all of you as friends...and friends deserve explanations.
Sora and Jyou, I did not know you very well, but you're Digidestined. No matter what, you're destined to succeed.
Mimi...you *are* the essence of Purity. Your sincere heart and nature means that you never try to hurt anyone on purpose. And you never really did that to me...no more than some. But maybe that is worse. You're never intentionally cruel, but sometimes thoughtless cruelty is much worse. I'm sorry for saying that, but it's true.
Koushiro, you're a very intelligent guy-and I think that's where our difficulty was. You're too smart for someone as stupid as me and you knew it, too. That doesn't mean I appreciate being talked down to...we're all people, after all. And it hurt every time you automatically assumed I wouldn't get something. I got more than I let on-including your dislike for me. And I know you still communicate with the Digital World. Tell Veemon for me...that I'm sorry. That I do love him.
Taichi, Yamato...I address you as one person. Taichi liked me and Yamato hated me. You've tempered each other, to the point where you both are now cool and tolerate me. Yamato, I never figured out just *why* you hated me. Was it because of Jun, or Takeru? Was it because all you saw was a punk kid who wanted to be more like Taichi? Well, that's true. I *did* want to be like Taichi-have his confidence, his ability to make friends. But I have none of it, nothing. I can't even hang onto the friends I thought I had. But be happy together. I should be wishing you the worst, but I can't. It's not in me.
Hikari...I can't say anything to you. I wanted to be your friend...wanted to love you. But all you saw was the 'stupid dork that fawned over Taichi.' Yes, that was a quote. I could quote so many thing that you never knew I overheard...but I won't say them. All I know is that you hate me...but I can't hate you. I've tried, but I can't.
Takeru, did you *ever* get past seeing me as your rival? Did you ever try? Did you ever care that you were helping to destroy me, that the child of Hope was taking away the hope that someone had? I wanted to be friends with you, Takeru. I tried. But I guess I failed. Like everything else, I failed.
Miyako, like Taichi, you were everything I wanted to be. Funny, popular, a bit of a smartass...but what worked for you and drew in people was a repellent for me. You claim to be able to see the good in everyone, that you want to give everyone a chance...but you never gave me one. You made a snap judgment and never changed it. I don't know if you even tried. You even gave Ken a second chance. Ken...take care of Ken, Miyako. You have something precious there.
Iori, what can I say? Even if you rarely directly insulted me and excluded me, you *did* go along with everyone else. You snubbed me and made me feel worthless...more worthless than I am.
Ken...I love you. That's all I can say. I love you, and as much as I want to be with you, I refuse to burden you. Any of you.
And that's it, other than...goodbye.
**********
My hand is cramping. I'm glad I finished when I did-I don't know if I could've kept that up for much longer.
The sun is starting to set. I'll go home, put this in an envelope or something-do I want to mail it or leave it?-and tonight...I die. It's not like I have any reason to live for tomorrow.
I flip back to the beginning of my little monologue, and think if there's anything else that I need to say. As I'm thinking, a shadow falls over me. "What are you doing, Daisuke?"
I slam the notebook shut and whirl around. Great...I really needed to see Ken *now*. I didn't want to see anyone. "Writing," I answer, trying to sound vague.
"Really?" He sounds shocked, and I feel my shoulders sag in sadness. Bet he thought I was next to illiterate, too. "Can I read it?"
"Ummm...." A thought occurs to me-yes, I *do* think. I hand Ken the notebook. "Sure...just do me one favor?"
"Of course, Dai."
I have to keep myself from melting. Just because he calls me by a nickname is *not* a declaration of undying love. "Don't read it until I leave. I'm...kinda shy about my writing, and I don't think I could be around when you read it without dying of embarrassment." Oh, smooth choice of words, Daisuke.
"All right." He smiles at me, and I feel an urge to prolong this encounter, but...I have something to do now. "Actually, I've got to go home."
"You don't want to hang out?"
"I *want* to, but I can't. Parents, you know?" I'm lying through my teeth, but he's making this so *hard*, almost as if he senses this is his last chance.
He laughs. "I sure do. See you later, Dai."
I decide to give in one time. Think of it as my last request for myself. I lean over and hug him. "Goodbye, Ken."
Before I can do more than register his look of surprise, I'm off and running.
This is *my* destiny.
**********
I look after Daisuke as he runs. I can still feel his arms around me and I wonder what brought that on. Sure he's hugged me before, but that was when I was upset, and I'm fine now.
And...why did his farewell seem so...final?
I look at the notebook laying on the bench next to me. I never thought of Daisuke as a writer before, but I've always thought that he had deep thoughts running in him, deeper than anyone suspected. I ought to take this home and read it properly.
But...something deep within me is calling urgency, and he only said to wait until he is gone, so I open the book and begin to read. 'I don't think anyone really sees me....' As I continue, I realize how right I was. This is urgent...I never thought Daisuke saw himself this way....
I read it slowly, trying to get every bit of meaning possible. When my name is mentioned, I blush. He...loves me? Apparently so. His narrative ends...and it begins again. And what I read....
I gasp and shoot to my feet as realization sets in. No wonder he sounded so final when he said goodbye-it *was* goodbye-eternally! And knowing this...what do I do now? I could call the others...but judging from what he says to them, I doubt they would be helpful. Fine. I'll do this myself. Though I wish Wormmon were here....
I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life. Even during soccer...but that's just a game and this is *life*. I arrive at his apartment and just manage to stop myself from banging on the door, knocking politely instead. Jun answers. "Is Daisuke around?" I ask.
"Yeah, he's in his room." The she looks more closely at me. "Is something wrong?"
I push past her. "Maybe."
Without knocking, I practically barge into his room. "What is it, Jun?" he asks without turning. He sounds so...dull. Dead...don't think that, Ken!
"It's not Jun." I close the door, seeing his flinch as he recognizes my voice. As I walk over to where he is sitting at his desk, I see the razor blades sitting there. I throw the notebook onto the surface, knocking the blades away. "I read it."
"You weren't supposed to, yet. You were supposed to read it *after* I was gone."
"You had left...." Understanding dawns on me. "You mean, gone from *life*."
"Five more minutes, and it would've been done," he says, ignoring me. "Five minutes...and it wouldn't have mattered. It still doesn't."
It's now I see what I have missed-the blade already in his hand, the blade he is lowering to his wrist. "No!" I shout as I dive for him. I'm so afraid...but there's no blood....
"Ken...why?" Where is the spark I'm used to seeing in his eyes?
"Because you can't die."
"What do you care? No one does."
I slap him. "Don't say that! Don't you *dare* say that! I care! What would you say if I told you right now that I love you?"
"I'd say that you're doing it out of pity because you don't want me to kill myself."
"Well, you're right on one count-I *don't* want you to kill yourself. But pity? No...I do love you, Dai."
He blinks and I see tears form in his eyes. "But...why did you...what about Miyako?"
"Why did I what? Stop hanging out with you so much? I couldn't-it hurt. And Miyako...she's a friend, nothing more-and she knows it."
"Ken...." He begins to cry in earnest, and I wrap my arms around him. "I want to die, I want to live...I hurt and I'm scared and alone, so lonely...."
I cradle him close to my heart, treating him like the fragile porcelain he is. "Not alone now...and we'll get you though this."
"How?"
I sigh. "We'll start by talking...you and I, and with *everyone*. They need to know all this...from *you*, not from your death. And then...we'll take it one day at a time. It's all we can do."
He clings to me. "I'm scared, Ken...I love you...don't leave me alone."
I kiss the top of his head. "I love you too, Dai. And I'll be here for you. You're not alone anymore."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the sun setting. This day is over...I know it will be many more until my Daisuke recovers, but we all have to start somewhere. We *all* have a day one.
**********
The End
**********
Like I always say at the end of these things-suicide, self-mutilation...that's not the way to go. Talk to someone...you're never as alone as you think. Believe me.