Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Equilibrium ❯ Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Digimon, characters and all, doesn't belong to me.

AN: A random Kensuke I just felt an urge to write. Much thanks to Jessica for the beta (and for controlling my out of control sentencing) as Moe (and I) drown in the tiredness of the second semester.

He didn't want many things. It was just that all the things he wanted were difficult to hold onto, and much harder to obtain. And could you really 'obtain' someone? Ken thought, amused despite himself. One thing Ken had learnt after his so-called adventure as the Digimon Emperor was that holding onto someone who had long since been gone is impossible to do. It just couldn't be done. For so long, Ken had held onto Sam, thinking that if only he could just be him, be the perfect child, his parents, and the whole world, would give him their attention and finally acknowledge him as someone other than the poor child who was always found lacking. But it wasn't to be. Ken had fame, had respect, but his parents only saw him through Sam-tinted glasses. So much like Sam, they would say, and ignore the fact that even though Ken tried to be like Sam, be better than Sam, he always made sure to distinguish himself.

The world didn't care though. They liked Ken, admired him, and forgot about his brother, as no doubt they would have done with him if he hadn't made certain otherwise. Ken was a genius, but they admired him for that alone and unless he kept it up, they wouldn't have cared a bit. So, Ken made sure he was just as good at sports; they were even happier and made Ken even bigger news than he was. After that, it was simple to keep the media's attention on him. If his parents couldn't see him, then certainly the world could. Ken had that at least.

Then, it become obvious the world wasn't enough. Their attention wasn't enough. Ken soon found himself resentful of the role had to play, even if he had put himself there in the first place, and wanted an outlet. He wanted something new, something challenging, and at the same time, something that could withstand all the anger he could unleash. He wanted control.

The Digital World had been the perfect set-up. It was untamed and wild, and perfect for the taking. His Digivice, he had thought fiercely as his hand tightened into a vice-strong grip. His. Even Sam couldn't use it, despite his numerous tries. Day after day, he would pick it up whenever he had spare time, only to find that he couldn't do anything. This infuriated him, the boy genius who should have had all the answers, but didn't. It was Ken's, and Ken's only, and possibly the only tangible thing Ken could have, when his brother owned all else unattainable. Nothing beyond that mattered.

The control was incredible. The power he held over the Digimon, the power he had - no words could describe. At last, he had found a role that satisfied him. A role that didn't need nor want validation from any third parties other than himself, because he was the Emperor and everyone else were below him. Inferior. He knew, since he was so superior, so intelligent, that he didn't anyone or anything else. He didn't need their third rate attention anymore, didn't need their so-called affection. He didn't need them at all, and he would have been only too delighted to leave his own world and live in the Digital World permanently.

He did, in fact, and had his illusions shattered.

This makeshift world he called his own, where he had absolute control, and nothing happened without his knowledge or input, was destroyed and rebuilt into something that was not his, and had never been his to begin with. His heart, battered and beaten down as it were, tried to restore itself to its former glory, but first he had to accept Wormon's sacrifice, Daisuke's friendship, and the kindness that had once thrived in his own soul. Forgiveness was another thing entirely. He didn't want their forgiveness because he didn't deserve it.

Daisuke, stubbornly enough, refused to let him drown in his own guilt, and with the help of Wormon, sought to help Ken find his way. Ken couldn't help but smile when Daisuke lectured him in that duh-of-course-it's-simple­ tone that said Ken made everything too complicated, and in the end, Daisuke had his way. Only, maybe he got more than he had originally bargained for. Ken lost his smile, and the warmth faded away from violet eyes.

There were many things Ken wanted, and Daisuke was one of them.

Ken used to be confident and cocky, arrogant underneath his smooth, poster child demeanour. He wasn't now, though. He became all the things he hadn't wanted to be on his goal to be like Sam: shy, modest, normal. It was the last that really concerned Ken. Normal seemed good, natural in a way Ken never was, but normal had its own disadvantages. Who would notice normal? He doubted the media or his parents would have, and he knew they hadn't in the Sam-days.

Would Daisuke have if he hadn't been the soccer player he was?

Would he have if Daisuke hadn't blocked that one goal?

He wasn't sure of the answer, and might never be, but there were questions that had more import.

Did he want Daisuke?

Yes.

Was he going to get Daisuke?

Maybe.

Did he plan to try and get Daisuke?

Perhaps. Maybe. Yes?

Ken felt uncertain, and more than a little apprehensive. It was one thing to reach for friendship, but it was an entirely different thing to ask for love. Daisuke could easily thrust it aside, breaking apart Ken's carefully crafted hopes, and leave Ken in a state of cold despair. Not something Ken wanted to ever feel again if he wanted to heal.

So that left Ken with two options he would rather not have to choose between. His preference lay within the safer, less risky of the two of course. Hiding his affection and ignoring it as much as possible seemed like the best bet to nurture their friendship, and as Daisuke once noted and Ken couldn't accept, he held the Crest of Kindness. Not Courage like brave, brash Daisuke. Simple, stubborn Daisuke who wouldn't give up no matter what, and stood by Ken's side as Ken tried to sort out his messed-up life and tortured mind.

And this was why even though he wanted to ignore and to hide this unneeded complication, he would never succeed because a part of him would always want more. Need more. A living hell, an outright prison for one such as him. Perhaps this would be punishment, Ken often thought in cocooning darkness, only to remember better and brighter things when a certain smiling face appeared in his mind's eye. And that part of him, that confident, cocksure part of him that never faded though it deep inside, told Ken that he could have Daisuke if he wanted to. If he just put his mind to it, he could conquer him just as he conquered the Digital World; break him just as he broke the Digimon.

Ken shivered.

Daisuke grinned at him, cheeks slightly flushed and a hint of shyness in his eyes, and Ken fell for him all over again. He hesitated though, because he still wasn't sure he could trust himself not to hurt the only person who had faith in him from the start, and because he wasn't sure he wouldn't be hurt sometime in the future by that same person in return. Life wasn't filled with happiness and warmth, Ken had learned; it was filled with stark pain and absolute numbness, and when one fell into the dark, it took more than will power to get back into the light.

He couldn't stand losing Daisuke. He didn't think he could go through that one more time.

The hesitation hurt, the pain like a knife through the heart. Ken could almost picture that: the knife in his hand, the blood spilling forth and Daisuke's hurt eyes looking at him and wondering why. And Ken couldn't answer; what he could come up with Daisuke would never understand and would seek to eliminate, piece by piece until there wasn't any Ken at all and all that was left was KenDaisuke and neither would survive when the time came for them to part ways. And it would happen. Ken knew it would happen; he was as sure of this as he was of Newton's three laws.

"I guess that's your answer, huh?" Daisuke wasn't looking at him anymore; he looked everywhere but. "What was I thinking," he muttered, shaking his head a little. "Someone like you wouldn't be interested in me."

Ken fought the wild impulse to grab Daisuke and kiss his self-deprecating attitude away. This wasn't the confident boy who pulled him kicking and screaming from his tightly held guilt and brought him back to life. This wasn't the boy who fought the Digimon Emperor and won, in a test of will and strength. This wasn't the boy who comforted Ken on days when he felt like running away because he didn't deserve the forgiveness of anyone. No, this was the boy Ken had turned Daisuke into.

"I - " Ken stuttered, losing. "I - "

He looked at Daisuke, feeling scared and nervous and lonely, and he just wanted Daisuke. Why did things have to so complicated? He almost laughed at the thought that was so Daisuke-like, but settled for a slow, wobbling smile.

"I - like you. A lot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

They smiled at each other like shy, tongue-tied kids on the very first day of school; Ken decided to rectify that and leaned into until their noses bumped, their breathes mingled, and their lips brushed together in a chaste, clumsy kiss. Arms suddenly wrapped themselves around Ken's neck, and Ken's breath caught, the touch of warm skin making him shiver. He awkwardly pressed his hands against Daisuike's lower back; his eyes were still open, even though Daisuke closed his, because he wanted to see and memorise everything that was happening here and because he knew he would need them.

He pulled a little away, and they stood still in their embrace while their breathing returned to normal. Ken swept a finger tenderly across Daisuke's eyelids, down his cheek, and onto his lips, rubbing at them absently. Daisuke kissed his finger and then nuzzled his hand, and because he wasn't looking, he couldn't see the dark gaze Ken had trained on him.

Ken cupped his hand around Daisuke's cheek, stroking smooth flesh and slowly losing himself into a nest of emotions he didn't want, didn't need, but was helpless to assuage.

"You shouldn't forgive me," Ken said quietly, nails digging into the palm of his hands purposely.

"Why not? It was a mistake; it won't happen again," Daisuke said calmly, with a certain faith Ken didn't have and didn't deserve.

Ken didn't look at Daisuke; he didn't need to when his hand reached for Daisuke's bruised cheek, and faltered in mid way. Ken took in a harsh breath and rasped out, "I don't deserve your forgiveness."

"I think you do," Daisuke said softly and hugged Ken, head against the crook of his neck and shoulder like nothing had ever happened, and Ken wasn't the Emperor, and Ken leaned in, like he always had, because he was too weak to resist and he couldn't not resist.

"I hope you're right," he murmured into red spikes, too quiet for Daisuke to hear, but loud enough for Ken's soul to take note. He curled into Daisuke, forgetting the bruises, forgetting the fear, and just took comfort in the fact that Daisuke wasn't going to leave, though he should have. By all rights, he should have.