Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ I Wish I knew ❯ How tis ends ( Chapter 10 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

I wish I knew




I'm not even sure why I'm doing this, keeping a journal sounds like an awful girly thing to do, but Izzy did suggested and Takeru insist that if anybody knows how to deal it was Izzy. He won't tell me why, but he assures me that it's true.

I actually went to see Izzy today, to ask him to go to the mall with me. Takeru and Matt went to spend an afternoon with their dad, against their collective will I might add, and Ken does have to go home sometime so he chose to do when Matt was gone as well.

Izzy smokes, I saw him. I must have looked pretty surprised because he laughed. He says its something he picked up a little bit after deciding to move in with Tai. I wasn't sure what to say to that. Then he asked me how things were on my end of things, meaning Takeru's apartment.

Matt broke up with Joe, and seems quite okay with it. He was seeing Ken after all, so he couldn't be too broken up over it. No one had really spoken to Joe.

Izzy snorted, then decided to share a bit of information with me.

The only reason and ended up together was the result of a one-night thing after Joe and Matt announced they were together. He hadn't even liked Tai at first, and had even hated his boyfriend for a while.

I asked if he was going to go after Joe and he laughed again.

No, he had ended up falling in love with Tai, which had come as a giant shock to him when he realized it.

I told him I thought that was a good thing and he shrugged, and then asked me about Takeru and more importantly how I felt about him. Much blushing and stammering on my part, before I could form an intelligent answer.

I think I'm in love with him. Yeah, I know I'm fifteen, sixteen in October, and maybe I'm just mistaking love for dependency and I guess I wouldn't know what love was, but…

Izzy asked me where I got all of those ideas. When I said Takeru he nodded and put out his cigarette.

Takeru, according to Izzy, was an overprotective asshole, that meant well and probably loved me as much as I loved him and all of that fluffy crap, but until Takeru was sure that he wasn't going to break me and that I wasn't going to break myself, he was going to try to hold me close and keep me at a distance.

It suddenly occurred to me that Izzy was really good at this, like he had done it all before.

And today was the day for secrets because the one Izzy old me had me running into the lamppost.

He said when Tai's parents got divorced, and when they both wanted custody of him and Kari, and it didn't look like he was getting into collage, on top of the fact he was stuck in a hate filled relationship, Tai understandably, of lost it for a while.

That wasn't the surprise, everyone knew about that. There had been a period of almost seven months when no one heard a word from him. I'm not too sure what happened next since I was in a nice little hospital room in Kyoto, thus far away from anyone who knew me, but when I got back Tai was fine, though he seemed a little nervous around Izzy, like he both anted to touch him, but was afraid to do so.

This is where I got up close and personal with the post, because it all fell into place and made perfect sense and I suddenly realized why everyone felt so guilty about not seeing what was going on with my parents and me.

When I think back, I wasn't hiding it that well and everyone agrees with me then wanders off to beat themselves up over it. It was the same thing with Izzy.

Looking back I had seen the way he had flinched when Tai touched him, and the fact he had bruises that hadn't been there the night before five out of seven days, and that he was always asleep or too sore to move when we hung out at his and Tai's place.

'Are we a horrible group of friends?' I asked, looking up. Izzy shook his head.

'We just don't like believing that one of our own is in some kind of trouble we can't them out of, and that for all the saving the world we did that people are still like this. And in my case who would want to believe that it was Tai?'

'But still, I should have…it's not like I don't know how it feels and how it makes you act.' And I didn't see it, and if anyone should have.

Izzy shrugged again and pulled me to my feet. He started talking and lighting another cigarette at the same time.

Tai had problems, or had had problems, and that had been a pretty unhappy time for Izzy, but if he had really wanted someone to know he would have run away from Tai the first time and told somebody, not waited for seven-months, over a hundred stitches, five different doctors asking if there was anything he wanted to talk about, a concussion, and a few broken bones to get through to Tai.

It was strange because the worst Tai got, the more stupid Izzy felt for not telling, but instead of telling he just got deeper into what was going on until stopping it would have been worse then just going with it.

Then it just came to a point where Tai took it a little to far and Izzy wound up with a serious concussion, a nasty cut on his back and a broken arm. (I had wondered what the cast was about) So Tai did the only thing he knew to do.

He came clean with our friends and Izzy's doctors.

Izzy arched an eyebrow when I asked then what.

'This.' he made a motion with his hand. 'Tai and I, in therapy for the rest of our lives, and against everyone and our own better judgment still together. My dad waiting with a gun if it ever happens again, Matt prepared to have me locked up if it happens again and I handle like I did last time, and once again me, the wise old smoking guy.'

And then Tai, who we had been waiting for. We had walked from their apartment to the collage and waited for Tai to finish his last class and give us a ride to the mall. The first thing he did was knock the cigarette from Izzy's hand followed by a very through kiss. When Izzy had to pull away breathless and a little giddy he smiled at me then said we had to hurry up, there was computer software he wanted to tinker with.

'Yes dear.' Tai laughed and draped an arm over Izzy's shoulder. I followed a little behind them and wondered if, aside from a lifetime in therapy, they had a happy ending.

And more selfishly, would I get a happy ending?


So the mall. Ask anyone; the mall is just not my thing. It isn't like I couldn't go to the store around the corner from the apartment and get a notebook and a set of pens, but as much as I might love my boyfriend, I do not want to share clothes with him for the rest of my life.

So I had to go shopping, but I did make it relatively quick. I know what size I wear and I know that my wardrobe has consisted of black, blue, and red for two years now. I just grabbed stuff that looked good and would fit and was one of the above colors, forced Tai and Izzy to hold it all for me, then paid for it. I was waiting for the semi-pretty girl behind the counter to total it up when this book caught my eye.

It had a totally black cover, which looks like velvet, and a painting of a white rose set against the black. The pages are also black, but I bought a seat of milky pens to go with it. I'm not sure why exactly I go this book, or why this cover caught my eye then screamed by me, but it did and I did.

It says wish book on the inside. Girly I know, but I like it.

I've been thinking about Takeru since I got home. And I know there are more important things going on in my life, I don't believe it though, and I want to know that Takeru will always be there.

I trust my friends, all of them, but I might love him and I know I trust him more then I trust myself and I know it's clingy and kind of pathetic, but I need him.

And I want him.

In a true testament to my intelligence and selfishness I never once thought about him in terms of sex until a little while ago when I woke up before him and he…had an erection, it's my book I can write that if I want to!

It never occurred to me to wonder if maybe sleeping with me every night and the games we used to play weren't exactly fair. Since sex just wasn't something I was thinking about, I just assumed it wasn't on his mind either and that it was fine to tease.

I guess I never thought he'd find me that attractive or like me that much or...

We don't play anymore. When we got back from the hospital, Takeru decided to go back to kisses and holding me at night, which I greatly appreciate, since my nightmares have come back full force.

I don't know. I need him and lately there have been times when I wonder if I would be ready, or if I would be disappointing or if it's even what I want, and I wonder what it would be like.

So I want him.

But

I don't know.

I would like to sound wise, or at least like I know something, but I think I had better end this with a few things that have been running through me head, in terms of wishes.

I wish I knew what I was doing next

I wish I knew that Takeru would always be there

I wish I knew why late at night it still hurts to be alive

I wish I knew why anyone would want me

I wish I knew why my life is so fucked up

I wish I knew what was going to happen

I wish I knew when Takeru would be satisfied and accept that I love him. (I don't think anymore, I know it)

I wish I knew when to stop trying so much

I wish I knew how everything is going to end

I wish I knew I'd be happy.

I wish…that this were the end.


I think I'll let Takeru read this later on, when he gets home. It would be easier to tell him in writing then to tell him in words.



Takeru

Dai, I wasn't planning on asking to read this and when I saw it on the dresser and saw that you were asleep I was going to shut it, put the cap on your pens and crawl in with you. But then there was the note you left in the front cover.

Daisuke and Takeru's Wish Book? I don't think it's girly.

So I read it, all of it and I think maybe you should spend more time with Izzy. I told you he knows. I wouldn't say they've had a happy ending, but they have a beginning they can work with, and I have to say the same for us.

I'll let you know the moment we have a happy ending though.

And I don't think you're stupid, or selfish, and I know your beautiful and you have always been that attractive and I do like you much. I didn't mind the teasing, but for now I think it's best if we left things as they are.

And when you say everything you put in here to me out loud then I'll be satisfied and maybe then you'll be ready.


THE END

If you wanna know what happens next look for the sequel 'I can Dream' or something along the lines of that.

Wishing I've already done Dreaming is what I'm doing now, what's left but to Hope?