Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Mallrats: My Digimon Version ❯ Misery Loves Company ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon and Mallrats or any of the registered characters therein.

This is basically a parody of the movie Mallrats. But, I will cut the swearing down and just change a few things here and there.

Mallrats: My Digimon Version

By Wyld Stallyns

~ Chapter 1 - Misery Loves Company ~

Stallyns: C'mon everyone get into your places. Calumon, get away from the snack table.

Calumon: But, I'm starving here.

Stallyns: Fine, just don't eat everything. Terriermon, what are you doing with that bucket of water?

Terriermon: [Hides the bucket of water behind] What bucket?

Stallyns: I'm warning you Terriermon. What the? Veemon, that's my Green Bay Packer's Cheesehead!

Veemon: Hey Davish, check this out.

Davis: Whoa, that's a big piece of cheese.

Stallyns: [Grabs his Cheesehead] Give me that! [Imitating Medabee] You can look, but do not touch.

Veemon: But, I'm hungry.

Stallyns: Then go to the snack table with Calumon. Just make sure to save some food for the rest of us.

Veemon: Okay. C'mon Davish.

Stallyns: [Sighs] And I thought Guilmon was bad. [Sees a very special Rukato moment] What the hell? Rika, Takato, don't do that in here! There are children present.

Rika: [Getting off of Takato's lap] FINE!

Stallyns: Hey, Henry, Jeri, hurry up and get ready.

Henry: [Is still making out with Jeri]

Stallyns: Aw, man. Can't someone break those two apart already?

Terriermon: I'll do it. [Pours the bucket of water over both Henry and Jeri's heads]

Henry: What the? Terriermon!

Terriermon: Hey, it was the only way to get your attention. Besides, we're about to roll soon.

Jeri: Rolling what?

Jeri's "Annoying Like Hell" Sock Puppet: Ruff. Yeah, what's rolling?

Stallyns: [Groans] Someone shoot me. [Sees Beelzemon readying his Double Impact] Hey, hey, I was just kidding. We're doing a parody of the movie, Mallrats. GOT IT?

Henry & Jeri: Got it!

Jeri's "Annoying Like Hell" Sock Puppet: Ruff. Got it.

Stallyns: That's it. [Grabs the sock puppet] Give me that!

Jeri: Hey! Give that back!

Stallyns: This is for your own good. Hey Guilmon, you know what to do. [Throws the sock puppet in the air]

Guilmon: Pyro-Sphere, hah! *Incinerates the puppet*

Everybody: [Cheering]

Stallyns: Hip-Hip--

Everybody: Hooray.

Stallyns: Hip-Hip--

Everybody: Hooray.

Stallyns: Finally that suck puppet, I mean sock puppet is gone.

Jeri: That's what you think. [Grabs another sock puppet from her pockets]

Jeri's "Annoying Like Hell" Sock Puppet #2: Woof. You can't get rid of me that easily.

Stallyns: [Banging his against the wall] When Lord? When will you end my torment?

Lucemon: Hey, don't forget about your date with Mimi after this is all over.

Stallyns: Oh, right, thanks for reminding me. Okay, lets get this over with as fast as we can. ROLL IT!

*************************

<Takato/N: One time my cousin Kai got this cat stuck up his ass. True Story. He bought it at the mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Kai! What are you doing? You know your just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Takato, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.>

*****

It's spring break, and Henry is just arriving at his girlfriend's house in his station wagon. He and Jeri are planning to go to Florida for the week, and Henry has something very special planned for her. Too bad a certain someone has thrown a monkey wrench into his plans. Jeri is outside sitting on her porch waiting to tell Henry some very bad news.

"Jeri Katou, come on down. I'm taking your ass to Florida.", he said while getting out of the car and hugging Jeri.

"Let's go, let's go. Where's your luggage? C'mon, the plane leaves in a hour.", Henry said as he put her down and opened the back of his trunk.

Sighing, "Henry, did you see Ayaka Itou last night?", Jeri asked.

Groaning, "Yeah, yeah, I saw her at the video store. She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show. Oh God, he's not here, is he?", said Henry.

"Yeah, he's inside. Henry, did you tell her every time you're on TV you look ten pounds heavier?"

"Uh, well, yeah,. I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes make you look a lot fatter than you are, in real like.", Henry said chuckling uneasily.

"Why, what she do? Call up and cancel?" he said nervously.

"No, not exactly. Henry, you know Ayaka had a weight problem in school. She had the fattest ass. And when you said that to her, she went straight up to the Y.M.C.A. and started doing laps...because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight...and...well...in the middle of her 700th lap...this embolism popped in her brain...and she dropped dead, right in mid-backstroke."

"She's fucking dead?", shouted Henry.

"Then her sister told her parents why she was doing all the laps...and it got back to my father, and, and. Shit, Henry, he's really pissed at you. I mean, it's awful about Ayaka's death, and...now he doesn't even have a female contestant for his show."

"Can't you calm him down or something?", he said worriedly.

"Well, I've done that."

"Thank God! How?"

"Well, I told him I'd do the show.", she said uneasily.

"Good. What? Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no. W-W-We're leaving for Florida."

"Henry, I can't go. I've gotta stay here."

"No, no, no, no. I've got something planned for Florida. No, we gotta go.", said Henry as he was starting to get worried.

"Henry, I'm doing this to get you out of trouble with my father. Help him out of a bind. Which, you know, you kind of--well at least a little responsible for."

"I bet he's happy as a pig in shit that you're not going away with me.", he said getting a little angry.

"Are you kidding? He's absolutely devastated about Ayaka."

"I can't believe you! Jeri, the guy hates me! You know what? I bet he sees this tragedy as an excellent opportunity to keep you from going away.", retorted Henry.

"Would you calm down? I mean you're being a complete ass.", she said.

"Sometimes I almost forget that you're such a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.", he said with disgust.

"Oh. Well, you know what I think's sick? This relationship.", she shot back walking to her front door.

"Jeri, come on. I thought we weren't going through this makeup/breakup shit anymore."

"Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up. You know, you are exactly like my father. It's always about what you need, what you've got planned. 'Screw everybody else. My shit is more important.' You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed as he is. In fact, the two of you have so much in common, I think you should date each other!", she yelled at him while opening her front door.

"Jeri--Jeri, wait!", Henry said while pleading.

Jeri slams the door while leaving a heart-broken Henry.

*****

Both Takato and Rika have been dating since high school. Right now they're both in Takato's room trying to sleep, well Takato is trying to sleep. Rika is busy trying to get him up by knocking on his head.

"Sweet fucking Christ! Would you knock it off!", he shouted while getting up.

"God.", said Rika while hitting him.

"What?", asked Takato while Rika sighed.

"What time is it", Takato asked.

"9:30"

"Man, go back to sleep." Takato said a bit pissed. But then, he gets back up so he can search for his PlayStation controller.

Takato turned his PlayStation on and starts playing Digimon World 3.

"What the hell are you doing?", Rika asked.

"Finishing my game"

"No, no, no. You promised me breakfast.", Rika said while trying to get the controller out of Takato's hands.

"Breakfast? Breakfast, shmrekfest. Look at my stats for God's sake. I'm only in the middle of the game and I have most of my Digimon at level 65. Breakfasts come and go, Rika. Now, getting Guilmon to Digivolve to Mega that quick happens only once, maybe twice in a lifetime.", Takato said.

"Ya hit the bathroom already?", Takato asked while Rika was getting her clothes on.

"Don't worry, I didn't let your mother see me."

"Who's worried?"

"Are you kidding me? I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as much as you do."

"I do not."

"So, that's why I have to sneak in here after every one's asleep at night and sneak out undetected in the morning?"

"You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night?"

"What? That you play video games and I fall asleep unfulfilled? Go ahead. It beats this sneaking-around shit."

"What can I say? She doesn't like you."

"You've never even introduced me to her."

"Yeah, 'cause you're always in the goddamn bathroom alright. What the hell do you do in there all the time?"

"You really wanna know?"

"I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.", Takato retorted.

"I cry."

"You cry?"

"I cry."

"Any particular reason?"

"I think about people that make decisions that affect our lives. The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases. The engineer that designs skyscrapers. The guy that maps out a plane's flight path."

"The navigator", Takato interrupted.

"I think about how those people are out there every day...making a difference, leading big lives...and how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of failure they face; and how they only concern themselves with peers and company that apply to their goals...and noble causes.", Rika said as she was getting ready to leave out the window.

"Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what I think about when I'm in the bathroom."

"I think about all that, and I cry. Because I have nothing better to do than fuck you.", she said while leaving, but not before she tosses him a letter.

Takato reads the letter and doesn't look at all pleased.

"You're dumping me? Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother?", he shouted trying to get Rika's attention.

*****

After having his heart broken, Henry goes to see his friend Takato to seek some advice. Henry arrives at Takato's house and proceeds to knock on Takato's front door.

"You're a fickle broad, man.", came a voice from the other side of the door. Takato looks out the window and notices Henry at the front door.

"Ah!", Takato said when he sees Henry.

"Holy shit. If it isn't mon frere.", Takato said while opening the door and greeting his friend.

"The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.", Takato said as he lead Henry to his room.

"You're still an anal retentive bastard."

"Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle Digimon cards in the sixth grade, but oh, no...you wanted to play Little League instead."

"What's that?", Henry asked when noticing that Takato has just framed something new in his room.

"Like it? I framed it before you got here."

Henry takes a look at the object that is newly framed and notices a list; a list of complaints that is.

"Oh, my God! Rika dumped you.", Henry said when noticing what the list was all about.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for Digimon."

"Wow, look at this laundry list of complaints. You have no direction; no college ambition; no job prospect."

"It also says I have no dick, but you'll notice that follows the financial question...proving once more what women really look for."

"She calls you callow in here."

" You say that like it's bad."

"Well, it means "frightened and weak-willed."

"Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.", Takato said looking stupid.

"Ah, well, you're lucky. Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter filled with obscure adjectives.", said Henry.

"What are you telling me here?"

"I, too, now am in the framing business."

"Holy shit. Jeri dumped you?"

"Yeah."

" Wait a second. Aren't you two supposed to go to Florida?"

"We should've left this morning. Oh, it gets worse. I was gonna propose to her."

"Where?"

"On the Universal tour."

"You're kidding! What part?"

"When Jaws pops out of the water."

"That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.", Takato said with stars in his eyes.

"Well, too bad I'm not trying to marry you."

"Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her?", Takato asked.

"Why do you ask?", Henry said while laughing.

"I never farted in front of Rika, not once. Alright, then last week, I let one slip. Today, she dumps me.", Takato said as the both of them joined in laughter.

"You think that that's why Rika dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type, Takato."

"She was going down on me at the time.", Takato said.

"Shut up!", Henry said surprised.

"What? What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed. When I'm relaxed...I squirt.", Takato said while laughing.

"Ohh!", Henry said a bit disgusted. "If all she did was dump you, you got off light."

"Man, I can't believe this shit. Why are we trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?", says Takato.

"We just nailed it, in your case."

"No, no, there is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss."

"Ritual suicide?"

"No, you idiot! The fucking mall!"

"I prefer ritual suicide.", Henry said while groaning.

"Oh, come on man, it'll be great. They got these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try them, they're awesome."

"All right, fine, let's go."

"You won't regret it my friend. It might even help you forget about Jeri.", Takato said as the two of them started getting ready to go to the mall.

To be continued.....

Okay, do whatever you want. Flame me or praise me, just as long as you have some constructive criticism for me. Any comments should be helpful. Depends on your choice of words.

*NOTE: If you haven't seen the movie before, go to http://www.viewaskew.com/mallrats/index.html to learn about it.*