Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ My Last Breath ❯ Chapter 1

Emerald: This is a one-shot Tai angst fic. I came up with it because Tai does have a very sad past and a lot of issues I haven't seen anyone pick up on yet. There are also issues I've added myself, cause I like to feel sorry for Tai. Then I can hug him to death and go `AWWW! YOU POOR LITTLE ABUSED THING YOU. -snuggle-'

 

Tai: Yeah, yeah… You and your love of angst… And what about the rest…?

 

Emerald: Fine. I suppose I should warn you all that this is a very emotional level of angst that deals with deep inner problems and fears and longings for death, etc. I also have to say I do not own Digimon. If I did you'd damn well know about it cause Tai and Matt would be having lots of hot bunny-loving in every episode.

 

Tai: -rolls eyes- Enough of your yaoi fantasies, on with the fic!!!

 

 

My Last Breath

 

Emerald Princess of Vernea

 

Tai was alone in his room again that night. His curtains were drawn tightly together so that not even a speck of moonlight from outside could shine in, casting dark and lonely shadows around the emptiness of his bedroom. He had even gone so far as to lock his door, just to make sure that no one could just walk in and see the state that he was in.

 

He was lying in a heap on the bed, his legs brought right up to his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around them. His head was tucked in against the pillow, the shadows of his room hiding the many tears that were streaming down his face.

 

 

Hold on to me, love

You know I can't stay long

 

 

It wasn't the first time Tai had felt like this. He was like this most nights, but with the door locked and his outer demeanour of confidence, no one ever noticed. To most people Tai was a confident, brave, and somewhat arrogant person. In truth, that image was just a charade - an outer shell he had built up over the years to hide the deep emptiness that was his inner self.

 

Tai cringed as the thought of that inner self came to him. He felt the hot sting of another tear burning in the corner of his eye, and then slip out and roll down the side of his already hot and tear-stained face. It slid down the still wet skin, merging with the remnants of other tears until it finally reached his pillow, which was already damp.

 

 

All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid

 

 

 

Even though his tears were hot, his pillow was ice cold after all the hours he'd been crying. Crying for help… crying in anger… and crying in the secret longing for death…

 

Not that he could tell anyone. No… It was a feeling he had to keep away from everyone he knew and loved. Away from his parents, away from his friends… and most importantly from his sister, Kari. She looked up to him so much, what would she think if she knew that he spent most of his nights alone in his room with only a pillow for comfort, waiting for death?

 

 

Can you hear me?

Can you feel me in your arms?

 

 

Another sobbing choke escaped Tai's throat, and he quickly put a hand to his mouth to blot out the sound of the cough. His shirt sleeve was also soaking wet, even though he had long since given up wiping the tears away, preferring to let them burn against his face.

 

As the choking subsided, Tai let go of his legs long enough to pull down the edge of the shirt sleeve and looked at his wrists. A number of bright red slash marks still marked his skin, although none were deep enough to bleed. There were still a few specks of blood however, and Tai gently licked them, tasting the hot, sweet taste of his own blood.

 

As the warm liquid touched his song, Tai choked again, a fresh wave of despair and self-hatred sweeping over him. He pulled his wrist away and gripped at the loose bedsheets around him, pulling them close to hide his face as more tears began to pour down his face.

 

 

Holding my last breath

Safe inside myself

Are all my thoughts of you

Sweet raptured light

It ends here tonight

 

 

He felt totally and completely pathetic, reduced to attempting to slash his own wrists just for the sake of feeling pain and tasting his own blood. Yet he couldn't even manage that. Each time he held the scissors to his wrists all he could manage was a quick scrape that left only a scratch, fear overtaking him and forcing him to throw the scissors onto the floor and endure another night of tears and despair.

 

Why? Why did he have to feel this way? Here he was, in a house where his parents loved him and his sister adored him, and he had friends who cared about him…

 

 

I'll miss the winter

A world of fragile things

 

 

Yet, even with all that, he still spent many of his nights crying out his sorrows into an empty pillow, with a locked door separating him from the love he so desperately needed. He shut them all out, hiding behind a façade of confidence and arrogance, in the hope of shielding them all from the lonely sorrow that was so slowly destroying him. Driving him into the very depths of despair and loneliness that made him long for an end to his life.

 

It was such a horrible feeling, this loneliness. It burned inside his chest and made him feel small and tight, choking and smothering him till he could do nothing but cry…

 

Why? Why did he continue to shut them out?

 

 

Look for me in the white forest

Hiding in a hollow tree

(Come and find me)

 

 

Of course he knew why he shut them out. He always did know, although no one else could ever know why.

 

Ever since that one time when Kari almost died… almost died because of his stupid mistake, he had always felt like an outcast. Of course his mom and dad said they forgave him, and Kari never blamed him, but Tai never felt like their words were sincere.

 

No matter how much his mom held him, or told him she loved him, Tai always knew that her words weren't sincere. She was just going through the motions, saying what she thought a mother was supposed to say to her child… but the memory of the harsh and angry slap she gave him that day continued to haunt him.

 

And that was what made Tai feel so lonely.

 

 

I know you hear me

I can taste it in your tears

 

 

Tai let out a choking scream as his mother's words rang through his mind. Words the damaged him psychologically, emotionally, and even physically. As he rolled over to the end of the bed he placed a quivering hand to his cheek, sure he could still feel the marks of her slap. The slap that made it clear once and for all that her love for him was damaged forever, and Tai was truly an outcast.

 

With another roll Tai fell onto the floor with a loud thud - a thud that surely would have woken up the other sleeping members in the household.

 

He could not stop the tears from coming now. They flowed freely down his face and neck, his sobs coming out more loudly as his desperation grew. Even though he was so near the door and the key that would release it he could not move - his hands were entwined tightly in the knot of bed sheets that fell with him. All he could do was cry, as well as rock slowly back and forth on the cold floor.

 

 

Holding my last breath

Safe inside myself

Are all my thoughts of you

Sweet raptured light

It ends here tonight

 

 

Tai sobbed unceasingly on his bedroom floor, his mouth choking out his mother's name without him even realising it. He longed to feel her love, but he just couldn't feel it anymore…

 

As he sobbed on the floor, a faint light switched on from outside, followed closely by a gentle knock on his bedroom door. Then his mother's voice - her sweet, loving voice, filled with concern that Tai couldn't hear - echoed in.

 

Tai looked up in a panic as the door handle jiggled, afraid for a moment that maybe his mother would somehow be able to get in. Thankfully she didn't, and just called out to him again. The boy felt his heart run cold as the panic took over him, stalling his tears as his breath became short and panicked, looking around desperately for something to stop what was happening. She couldn't see him like this - she just couldn't.

 

 

Closing your eyes to disappear

You pray your dreams will leave you here

 

 

With his hands still trembling from the overwhelming panic that had taken over him, Tai somehow managed to shake them free of the blankets and quickly searched the floor, looking for the pair of scissors that he had thrown aside earlier on. Finding them was the only thing on his mind, although he wasn't sure what he was going to do with them. His father was at the door as well now, banging on it loudly as he tried to force the lock open.

 

Tai finally found the scissors - lying open just underneath his desk. He grabbed them and gasped as he felt the coldness of one of the blades prick his finger, and a thin trail of blood ran down the palm of his hand. Another loud bang on the door showed the lock beginning to give way, and Tai knew it was now or never.

 

 

But still you wake and know the truth

No one's there

 

 

Once he was done Tai dropped the scissors, crying out loudly as the red hot liquid poured across his right wrist. His first instinct was to cover it and try to stop the bleeding, but all he could do was stare as the blood washed across his arm and dripped onto his sheets, staining the white with deep red.

 

He was so busy staring he didn't notice the lock on his door finally give way, or the scream that came from his mother as she saw her son kneeling on the floor with blood pouring around him. He didn't notice as she ran to his side and flung her arms around him, calling his name, or his father's hand close around his wrist as he tried to stop the bleeding. He didn't notice anything… the cold feeling of dizziness already beginning to take over him, washing away the pain.

 

In fact he only noticed her as she took his face and raised his gaze so he had to look at her. His mother with her gentle brown eyes filled with tears… more tears that he had caused her… Already her image was blurred and going dark, her voice faint and quiet inside his head. Behind her he could see the faint, blurry image of his little sister, Kari, staring with wide eyes as she saw her brother beginning to die right in front of her.

 

 

Say goodnight

Don't be afraid

Calling me, calling me as you fade to black

 

 

Eventually Tai closed his eyes and felt himself fall forward, landing in his mother's arms. He never heard her scream his name - everything was gone now. All he could see was black, and eventually the feeling of his mother's arms around him also faded away. Yet, with his last breath, he muttered one single word…

 

“Sorry…”

 

 

Holding my last breath

Safe inside myself

Are all my thoughts of you

Sweet raptured light

It ends here tonight.

 

 

Emerald: MWEH!!!!! What the heck was I on to write something this angsty? TAI!!!!! -glomps him-

 

Tai: -glomped- Hey!

 

Emerald: -crying- I can't help it!!!!!!! I have to hug you!

 

Tai: Ugh… Well, let us know what you think. Now get off me.

 

Emerald: No.