Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Secrets ❯ Chapter 13 ( Chapter 13 )

Chapter 13

Get rid of you notions

Haven't you realized yet? (Do it)

Get feel of your passion

Haven't you realized yet? (Go for it)

Perceive through the soul

Dream is still a dream that never changes

Dream is still a dream that never changes

Destroying the illusion with your hands

Destroying the illusion with your hands

Get rid of you notions

L'Arc~en~Ciel -"Get out from the shell-Asian version-"

Jun held her skirt close to her legs as she knelt down in front of the familiar gravestone. She smiled and raised her hand to touch the cool stone affectionately. It was a familiar sight to any of the grave attendants; Jun was usually at the grave of Ichijouji Osamu.

"Konichiwa Osamu-kun," she said quietly, moving her hand over the stone. "It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been taking care of things, running errands, and finishing exams so I haven't been able to come and see you."

She shifted, taking the flowers she had laid on the ground next to her and arranging them in front of the gravestone as she continued to speak. She smiled as she placed the bluebells, making sure the light hit them at just the right angle to bring out their magnificence.

"I've missed talking to you though," she said. "Life seems very hectic, Daisuke is going to America for a while to visit Wallace-kun and have an art show. I've told you about him before. He's the boy that comes to visit Daisuke every few years. I'm worried about Daisuke though, Osamu-kun. I feel that this little trip means more then Daisuke likes to let on. It has to do with Ken-kun and their break up but I don't understand how this has affected his relationship with Takeru-kun so badly that they haven't seen each other."

She paused for a moment, tucking hair behind her ear that the wind blew in her face.

"I know, I don't live with Daisuke anymore and it could also be totally unrelated, but I can't help but feel like it is," a soft tired sigh escaped her full lips. "He asked papa to drive him to the airport and when I asked him why not have Takeru-kun drive him, he started acting odd. He fidgeted and shook his head violently then locked himself in his old room for a while. I really think something is up."

Reaching out she touched the soft petals of the bluebells and closed her brown eyes as she felt the warm wind blow past her, caressing the flesh of her face gently.

"I tried to get him to tell me everything. He's being stubborn though," Jun sighed, "He won't get into full detail with me. I tried getting a hold of Takeru-kun but I haven't been able to. Yeah, I know what you're going to say. It's probably just some fight they got into. Takeru-kun and Daisuke tend to fight a lot. But it's a bit too coincidental that it happened around the same time that Ken-kun and him broke up and I think it may have something to do with it. Or maybe I am just thinking too much…either way I'd like to find out. Daisuke needs his friends right now.

"I wonder how it's going to end up with Ken-kun. The break up was bad from what I could get. I'm thinking about talking to Ken-kun. I'd like to hear his side of the story. I may be able to piece everything together that way. Ah but what would I do with the information I wonder. I was secretly cheering on their relationship, y'know. Thought it would work; Daisuke really cares a lot about him and they're so close and all, I was hoping that could make something good happen. But the break up maybe was proof that I was wrong. I don't know. I want to see what I can do to help either way, so that at least I did something! I really want to help him. His smile is really cute; I want to see it again, like how your brother brought it out. So I'll help out, but I need to get the full story before I can figure out what exactly is the right way of going about things."

Jun nodded pleased with herself for her little decision. Nothing else was said for a long time, Jun was content with cleaning up the grave even if it really didn't need cleaning. She lit some incense and took out some food-Osamu's favorites. Then she closed her eyes and began a little prayer as she clasped the brown bead necklace in her hand. All the while the breeze blew around her and caressed her gently. She started to speak again after a while, filling him in on the on-goings of her life.

Soon the time to leave came and Jun sighed, saying her goodbyes to Osamu before standing up. She winced as her leg muscles stretched; it was never good to stay in one position for too long. Smiling softly once more, she turned and headed towards the exit of the graveyard, her thoughts faraway and melancholy.

The woman walked swiftly down the path, not paying too much attention to anything that was going around her. She always seemed to move on automatic after visiting Osamu. She had so many things on her mind when visiting one of the most important people in her life. He had greatly influenced her and even in death he was with her, urging her on and giving her support. She knew this with all her being and for that she would forever be grateful to the young boy who brought her blue bells-everlasting love-and called her pretty and wonderful after all the other boys had thrown mud at her and called her an ugly boy.

Jun smiled. She had been such a tomboy as a child, actually she still was one but not like before. And she had been so mean too. It was amazing he even put with her! How many times did Osamu have to keep her from slugging someone? It was a countless amount of times. She laughed softly to herself as she thought back to all those times together, sweet memories they were.

There was a tall archway that framed two large wooden doors at the entrance of the cemetery. These doors were left open during the day for visitors. Past the doors there were huge stone steps that led to the streets. On those steps was where Ken encountered Jun that day.

Ken's eyes widened in surprise at seeing her there; he had not been expecting to find Jun at Osamu's grave that day and he felt a sense of dread at seeing her there. He did not want to speak with Jun, Daisuke's sister, at all. He was afraid that things he did not want to talk about would be brought up. It was too late to turn and walk away though; she had already seen him.

"Ah Ken-kun! How good to see you," Jun greeted with a smile and took the last to steps to him. "How are you?"

"Good," Ken replied in his usual polite manner, but something was off with Ken, Jun could tell. She had always been good at observing and reading people. So it took her no time to realize that Ken looked anything but "good". Pushing some hair from her eyes she regarded Ken silently for a moment, deciding this was as good a time as any.

"Ken-kun, I'd like to have a talk with you," Jun said.

"I don't know, Jun-san. I was going to go see Osamu…." Ken said. He really didn't want to go with her but he could already see that Jun wasn't going to let him go.

"Osamu-kun's not going anywhere," she replied then looked at her watch. "It's early too, so it's not like the cemetery is going to close on you or anything. We'll be close too, just a few blocks to that park. C'mon, it's important so it's not like I'm wasting your time."

She tugged lightly on his sleeve and started down the rest of the steps. Ken sighed and followed, seeing no way out of this. They walked swiftly down the streets. Jun was weighing different ways of going about this conversation; this wasn't Daisuke after all…. It was Ken and what worked for her little brother wouldn't work for him. She glanced at Ken who seemed a bit nervous and guessed he already knew what they were going to talk to about. There was little else that she would want to talk to him about and she wished that this wasn't something she needed to do.

It didn't take them long to reach to park…much to Ken's dismay since that meant they would have to start this dreaded conversation. He was starting to wish he had stayed home, but he had wanted to see Osamu and talk to him about what had been going on. Taking a seat on one of the large elevated slabs of smooth stone, minding the pigeons in the trees, he waited for Jun to start. He wasn't going to start it of course. No matter how much he wanted this over and done with, he still didn't want to be the one to start. She was going to think he was so silly…

"So what exactly happened?" Jun asked. The cinnamon haired woman rested her chin on her hand and looked at him with a warm and comforting little smile, she was hoping to ease Ken's nervousness. Her actions were very reminiscent of Daisuke's though. It showed who was a great influence in the younger redhead's life. The reminder of Daisuke made Ken's insides twist with a pain he wished to forget forever.

"Daisuke and I have broken up," Ken replied and Jun noted quite of a few emotions cross the younger man's face, the two most prominent ones being anger and sadness.

"Yes, I'm aware of that," Jun replied, "Daisuke told me. Though, I received very little details no matter how I pried. He's really upset about the how the relationship ended and he's very upset over hurting you. I'm getting the feeling that he broke it off with you and that caused a serious rift between Daisuke and you and Takeru-kun. What did happen between you two?"

"I thought you said you knew," Ken said. "You spoke to Daisuke."

"Yes, but now I want it from your point of view," Jun replied, turning so she was seated with her legs tucked under her and facing Ken. She wanted to be able to look at him while they talked. "And it still doesn't explain why Takeru-kun and Daisuke's relationship has to suffer because of it. Y'see, no matter how hard I pry some things I can't get out of him. Especially with him preparing to head off to New York and all. He's completely ignoring me on the pretense of preparing for the trip. So I can't get anything out of him and anyway, one can't look at everything through one point of view only."

Ken blinked. So Daisuke was leaving for New York. That was unexpected. Still, it had nothing to do with him anymore. No matter how much that thought hurt him inside, it was the truth and he needed to learn to bear with it.

"We broke up, Jun-san," Ken answered. "There's nothing much to it. I told him how I felt and he did not like it. It's over now. Takeru's just mad at Daisuke because of that."

"What did you tell Daisuke?" Jun asked, a bit more forcibly then she thought she should, but she wasn't willing to let Ken skirt around or avoid this question. This would make everything make sense.

Ken bit his lip and gripped his pants tightly. It was still such a painful topic and he really didn't want to talk about it…with Jun especially.

"I told him I loved him," Ken finally said after some long and painful minutes of silence. "I said it to him and he broke it off. It was so painful to hear that right after I bared myself to the person I love most."

Jun nodded sadly and placed her hand over his, rubbing her thumb over the flesh of his hand in a comforting manner. Ken released the hold of on his pant leg and took a few deep breaths, trying so very hard to keep himself calm. No more breakdowns.

"Do you regret what you said to him?" The woman asked, and felt as well as noticed Ken tense. "Do you regret telling him you love him?"

Ken blinked in surprise. He had not been expecting that question and to be completely honest, he had never really thought about it. Did he really regret letting Daisuke know how he felt? If he hadn't, they would have still been together and Ken would still be reveling in the completeness that came with being with Daisuke. He would still be happy. He would still be living a lie. Was that better? Was the pain of reality better then the happiness of fantasy?

"No," Ken finally spoke. It was impossible to try and hide this fact from Jun. Why even try? She was too good at prying and Ken was too miserable to fight. "No, now I know what I mean to Daisuke."

"Oh? And what do you mean to Daisuke?" Jun asked, her brown eyes regarding Ken seriously. It felt a bit strange asking these things of Ken. He wasn't her brother after all, but something about the way he acted reminded her so much of Daisuke. It made doing this a little easier for her, just a bit.

Ken opened his mouth to speak and found himself not knowing what to say. He closed it again and thought about the question for a moment. This question was too important for a quick answer.

"Daisuke never loved me…" The raven-haired man found it unbelievably hard to say those words. it was like he was finally resigning himself to something, but hadn't he already? "He could never love me because…because of what happened to him before." Ken let out a long sigh. He felt exhausted all of a sudden and he found himself no longer harboring any rancor. It was all now replaced with an immense sadness.
"I see…" Jun said quietly as she took in what the she was being told. Everything seemed to make sense now except for one thing. "What happened to him before?" Jun asked carefully. It sounded as if Ken knew but never had Daisuke told her that he had burden Ken with his past.

Ken turned his head to look at Jun quizzically. She should know what he was talking about and by the look in her eyes it seemed she did. But she needed confirmation and Ken gave it to her, watching as her eyes widened for a moment. Jun nodded then, he knew.

"How did you find out?" How many people knew about Daisuke's past? How many people were willing to talk about it to Ken? She couldn't believe that Daisuke had told Ken. He wasn't ready yet. She knew he couldn't even if he had wanted to. And he never wanted to.

"Jing Long-Yin," Ken said simply and Jun nodded again though she found it strange that Long-Yin had done so. What would Long-Yin gain from telling Ken, a complete stranger, about Daisuke's past? It was so strange to the cinnamon haired woman since her impression of Long-Yin was not of someone who involved herself in Daisuke's affairs. She was as aloof and cold as Daisuke could sometimes be, but she seemed to lack his warmth and emotion. However, Long-Yin was extremely close with Daisuke. That would sway her to her do something for him. Could it have been that she saw what Jun herself saw in Ken? It was the only explanation Jun could form.

"I see…" Jun said once more.

Ken laughed softly but it lacked any mirth. It was a laugh of a despondent and tired man; Jun felt empathy so much for him. He was hurting more now. She could tell that the knowledge did nothing to alleviate the pain of being rejected. "I always knew something was in the way, always knew it. But I ignored it and forgot about it. I was so completely selfish…I am so completely selfish."

"Ken…" How could she respond to that? Maybe he had been selfish, she had always thought him to be too clinging and needy. But she never did understand all the details between his and Daisuke's relationship. It just seemed that taking care of Ken and his feelings had always been the prerogative for Daisuke. Takeru too, now that she thought about it. It was always about Ken, it seemed to her. And maybe Ken was selfish for leaving it like that, even when he knew something was truly wrong with Daisuke. It was wrong to forget Daisuke's troubles so that Ken could be happy. Still, she did not know all the details. Even so, she did not think Ken was fully to blame, as she believed Daisuke made sure that Ken stayed in that mind set. The mindset of only worrying about himself. Daisuke had a talent for such things; he was good at making people forget he was a living, breathing person with feelings. If you did not know the details of his past, he could easily manipulate you.

"Ken, it's not completely you're fault," Jun said softly. "You're not totally out of blame but there's still time to make amends." Yes, that was what she wanted. She wanted Ken to make amends with Daisuke and maybe that would be the first step to helping Daisuke truly let go of his past. Ken may be able to do it. She didn't know why he would succeed where they had all failed. Maybe the last wounds had to be healed by someone Daisuke had reached out to and not someone whom had reached out to him.

"Ken's so nice, I like him a lot. I wish to be his friend, 'neechan," She remembered staring down in surprise at her brother. She had just smiled back at him and Jun could tell he was being so sincere. It had nothing to do with pleasing anyone, helping keep up a front. It was a true and sincere desire. Jun remembered smiling back at him, thinking that it was a sign that he was finally putting his past behind him.

"Amends…?" Ken asked, turning his head to her and she had the urge to scoop him up into her arms and soothe away all his problems. He wasn't Daisuke though and her doing that would accomplish nothing. She knew this. "For telling him I love him?"

"Of course not!" Jun snapped, all of a sudden feeling immensely frustrated. "No, there's no reason for that. There's nothing wrong about loving him."
"He seems to think so," Ken replied softly and ran a hand through his black hair; it was getting long. He would have to cut it soon. Maybe cutting it was a good idea. But Daisuke liked it long. He always left it long because of that one reason. Daisuke liked it long. He liked to run his fingers through it and Ken liked the feeling of his fingers through his hair, playing with it.

"Can't cut my hair." He took a few strands between his fingers and moved his hand so he could stare at those few raven strands. He never cut it, trimmed it yes, but never cut it. Not even when Takeru had asked him to had he done so. The blond had always thought he would look nice with a different hair cut, but he had denied it for Daisuke. "For Daisuke."

Yet Daisuke was gone now. Wasn't he leaving him? And he might never touch his hair again. He was with Takeru anyway. Yes, and he was suppose to please Takeru especially since the blond was trying to help him forget his feelings for Daisuke.

"More selfishness," Ken muttered and released his hair. He leaned back on to his elbows and stared up at the sky that could be seen through patches between the green leaves.

"You've lost me Ken," Jun said. She had been listening and watching him carefully for those few moments, aware that he was in his own little miserable world then. She could tell he was trying to work things out. She did not want to bother him, but she also did not want him straying off to some other stupid thought that may deter him from the correct path-the path she thought was correct. Maybe she was wrong; maybe she shouldn't have interfered. Jun sighed, knowing that leaving those two to their own devices would lead to nothing being accomplished.

Ken turned his head to look at her. "I can't cut my hair for him."

"For who?"

"Takeru."

Takeru. He was the other part of the strange little puzzle. She had almost forgotten about him. So he was also linked to Daisuke and Ken's relationship problems. It made sense; they were all so close. Did he know about Daisuke's past too?

"Takeru knows about…" Jun stared watching Ken carefully and he shook his head.

"That Daisuke broke up with me because I bared my feelings to him," Ken replied and Jun did not know whether to be relieved or not.

"So he's angry with Daisuke for breaking up with you," It was more of a statement then a question but Ken nodded anyway.

"Maybe not anymore," He said, once more taking a few strands of raven hair and looking at it, almost quizzically. Jun blinked at him, confused.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm with him now."

"What!" Jun's cry startled Ken and he looked at her with large confused blue eyes. "What happened to Daisuke?"
"He left," Ken simply replied and Jun felt like smacking him upside the head. She took a breath to calm herself; she was really more violent then she should be. Ken had his reasons, and though flawed, they made some sense.

"So you're giving up?" Jun asked, she waved her hand in a dismissive gesture to emphasize her point.

"He rejected me!" Ken cried out. "Do you expect me to make a fool out of myself and hound him?" He glared into her eyes. There was strange spark of something in his eyes that she could not distinguish.

"I never said that!" Jun yelled back. "But damnit Ken, you understand now. It's not because he feels nothing for you, it's because he's afraid and confused! Intimacy has bad connotations to him. Love is intimate, so very intimate and special and something he's completely and totally unfamiliar with. And unfortunately he ended up hurting your feelings. I doubt he wanted to do that. He hates hurting you."

"Yes, I know he does but…" Ken sighed softly, feeling so very weak and tired. He just wanted to curl up somewhere and forget. "I'm not sure I want to open myself to that kind of pain again."

And there it was. Anything else he could have used as an excuse was gone now. Not anger, or loyalty to Takeru or anything. It was fear. He was afraid and unwilling to hurt again. He didn't want the pain. Ken never dealt well with pain and he didn't think he could take that kind of pain again, especially from someone he cared so much for. Ken looked away from Jun then, no longer wanting to look at her.

Jun was silent for sometime. Her mind working things out. Everything seemed so hopeless. She wanted to scream out her frustration. Ken was being a coward. She hated cowardice.

"Coward." Jun finally spoke. She had made sure to calm herself somewhat before speaking, but still she could not keep that word to herself. "Yeah fine, so you'll spare your feelings." She paused for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. Yelling at him was not going to work. "Ken…"

"You're going to tell me that some things are worth fighting for, aren't you?" Ken interrupted, still not looking at her. His eyes were trained on the few pigeons cooing and pecking at the cement and graveled floor. "To endure the pain for the chance of love; the result would be that of a fairy tale's."

"Is that so bad?" Jun asked quietly. "Is it not worth it?"

"Love can be found elsewhere," Ken replied softly.

Jun shook her head," You don't love Takeru-kun like you do Daisuke."

Ken nodded. Jun was right, he didn't. And he was aware that he was using the blond. But was it so bad? Cloud he not learn to love Takeru? You could learn to love…

Will I stay forever with Takeru, even if I don't learn to love him? Ken asked himself, running a hand though his hair again. If I never forget Daisuke, would that not be wronging Takeru? It would…but I can forget my feelings for Daisuke. I could forget…I could! He raised his hand and felt a few strands of hair still clinging to his fingers. He looked at his hair, hair he could not even cut.

"And you may lose out on finding out whether Daisuke feels the same for you," Jun said and watched with great satisfaction as Ken turned his head to stare at her with an expression of clear surprise. "You never thought about that, didn't you? That he could love you back."

"But…"
"But what? It's a possibility. Daisuke fears it whether it's coming from someone else or from himself. And if you consider how much he likes pleasing people-it's kind of strange that he did not accept your feelings just to please you-it's not such a stretch of the imagination."

Ken was quiet and she watched the emotions pass by his face as he thought. He was struggling with the possibility. He was struggling with the hope that it brought it. Ken was extraordinarily stubborn but Jun was just as stubborn and she cheered inwardly because she knew his resolve had weakened.

"What if he doesn't?" Ken asked looking at her. She could see the fear clearly in his blue eyes but she could also see the hope slowly emerging. Did he dare hope for it to be true?

"What if he does…." Jun replied, giving him an encouraging smile. "Love you."

Daisuke loving him had always been all he ever wanted. Asking him out and being together had been bliss. His dream was slowly coming true. Then he told Daisuke he loved him and was rejected. His worst nightmare coming true. Anger at himself and at Daisuke prevailed for so long, only rivaled by the immense sadness. Hopelessness came after. It had been hopeless to dream. Daisuke never loved him, Daisuke only used him, Daisuke could never love him and the hopelessness came stronger. He was incapable of loving him…but now that fact was in question. Daisuke was not incapable of loving him but he rejected the idea. He was afraid to love like Ken was afraid to try and make him love. If he could put his fear aside and confront Daisuke; if he could show him that there was nothing to fear. If Daisuke truly did love him…then he-Ken-would be what truly stood in the way of them being together.

He would be the villain in this fractured fairy tale.

Did he dare hope?

Did he dare try?

"Jun-san…" Ken's voice was soft, his eyes though were very clear.

"Yes, Ken-kun," She kept her voice neutral and her breath held.

"Could you tell me when Daisuke is leaving for New York? Is it soon?"

She smiled at him. "Of course, and, no, not for some time. His visa hasn't come in yet."

He smiled back at her. "Ah, good."

TBC

My gods I've updated. It is an unbelievable thing it is. With the end of the semester comes a new chapter and hopefully the end of the this story. Blessed is summer vacation. ^_^

Here I thank Ice'is Blue for putting up with me and beta reading my story. She is so very awesome. All of you go read her story Dark Masquerade!

Finally I am apologizing for the blant lack of intelligence in htm. -_-