Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Secrets ❯ Chapter 5

Chapter 5

If one to three of every ten students is either gay, lesbian, bisexual or has an immediate family member who is, then there should not be a four to five times more likelihood of homosexuals becoming depressed…?*

The sound of typing suddenly stopped as Ken stared at his monitor, his eyes narrowing as he tired to decipher what he found wrong about the sentence-besides the obvious. He leaned back, rubbing his eyes and trying to decide if he should reword the statement and if he did, just exactly how? Something that usually wasn't a problem with Ichijouji Ken, whose forte was writing.

Why can't I get this right!

He stared at the screen again, trying to will the sentence to change with his mind but finding that he lacked the concentration to do so.

Ha! So we find the root of the problem at last!

Concentration. He could not concentrate no matter how hard he tried. Which was very strange for him, since he never had concentration problems, something that Ken was very proud of. But for some reason he could not keep his mind on the work in front of him. And the subject wasn't even the reason, it was the same with all the other subjects. Nothing could hold his attention for long.

A person's mind will wander off every half a minute.

Ken blinked. "Who cares?" He asked himself, leaning back in his chair. "That was such a useless piece of information." Long slender fingers rose to rub his eyes. "Why can't I concentrate?"

Before Ken could begin to search for the answer there was a knock at the door. He stood and walked towards the door, buttoning up his shirt as he did so. Why was it so hot in his apartment anyway? He reached the door, finished straightening out his shirt, leaving the first two buttons undone and opened the door to find Takeru standing there smiling very cutely.

"Ojamashimasu!" the blond cried out as he took off his shoes and entered the apartment. Ken shook his head and sighed-at least Takeru was polite when he barged in-closing the door behind him and followed his friend back into the living room.

"Konichiwa Souma-kun!" Takeru called in the direction of one of the bedrooms.

"Junta left this morning." Ken informed dropping himself back in the chair in front of his computer. "He said he won't back for the week."

Takeru pouted. "Oh…I was hoping he'd take me out again."

"And here I thought you came to see me. I'm hurt." Ken grinned.

"Hn. Whose fault was it for getting the hot roommate!" Takeru shot back. Ken glared at him but the smile on his face negated any effect it would have had on the blond.

There was a bit of a silence after that. Something that was normal between the two friends. The two never liked to speak when they had nothing to say, and so there would be long comfortable silences between them, silences that could stretch on for hours even. But this was not going to happen this time, Takeru had something on his mind, Ken could tell. Takeru had not just come in search of his roommate; there was something else. Something that Ken could tell was troubling Takeru.

"What's wrong?" Ken asked, saving his work and turning off the computer. Takeru looked at him, they're blue eyes meeting, and sighed a bit. Leaning back into the couch, blue eyes stared up at the ceiling.

"I'm just kinda worried, is all." Takeru said. Ken arched one delicate eyebrow.

"About?" Takeru turned his head, blond wisps falling over pools of blue.

"Classes, my parents, Yamato, Hikari, you…Daisuke." Ken nodded, looking away for a moment then back at him. He nodded to his friend again, this time indicating that he was ready to listen to whatever Takeru had to say.

Takeru began, but not with the subject that was truly bothering him-that of Daisuke and Ken's relationship. He was too uncomfortable bring that up, it had taken a lot to get himself to bring it up with Daisuke, and he had not liked the answer he had received-

"What I feel doesn't matter."

-so he was somewhat afraid of the answer that he would get from Ken. That was why he began with the subject of his parents and his brother, hoping to build up towards his friends' shaky relationship. Though he had told Ken that he was worried about them, to make sure that if he didn't Ken would at least ask. Takeru knew he had to talk to Ken about it. No matter what, he had too.

Ken listened silently to his friend as he spoke, Takeru spoke of the same thing he had spoken about before. The same family problems that Ken could never truly understand but could only sympathize with. He was never sure if the advice he gave the blond was any good, he never felt he had enough experience for giving advice on that type of subject. But he tired, just as Takeru tried for him. It made him feel good knowing that his friends could count on him as he could count on them.

Another silence reigned when Takeru was done talking about his other problems, there was only one more to go and Takeru wasn't quite sure how to broach the subject. Turning his head he looked at the clock that hung on the far wall.

Six. He had been there for almost five hours and had not been aware of it. He looked over at Ken who had stood and was heading over to kitchen. Takeru knew, with out being told, that he was staying for dinner and he wondered vaguely what it was that Ken was making and if it would be good. Ken was never much of a cook, he could only make two dishes well-okonomiyaki and yakiniku-everything else was pretty much a health hazard.

Takeru stood up and followed his friend, rolling up his sleeves to try and alleviate some of the heat he felt. Why was Ken's apartment so hot? He leaned against the frame of the doorway and watched as Ken searched through the kitchen cabinets, small curses escaping him every once in a while. It seemed Junta had not done the grocery shopping like he was suppose to, Takeru chuckled at that. Ken turned and looked at him, smiling wearily.

"I think I'm going to have to order out." He said sounding apologetic; Takeru didn't even try to persuade him not to buy anything. Ken wouldn't listen, he liked playing host too much. "Well, unless you want to have Junta's Monpuchi."

"No, that's okay, I'm not all that fond of cat food." Takeru declined making a face. Ken nodded.

"Me neither." He said wandering over to the phone. Takeru smiled and took a seat on the couch. He watched silently as Ken made a phone call, knowing that when the indigo haired man was done, he would have to talk to him about what Takeru had come to talk to him about.

"What I feel doesn't matter."

Takeru sighed, Daisuke couldn't have really meant that, could he? He didn't know, but it had upset him greatly to hear those words come out of the other man's mouth. It was all too reminiscent of Daisuke and Hikari's relationship, it was all to one sided and Daisuke was going to be as distant with Ken as he had been with Hikari. Which meant that Ken's heart was going to break when he finally broke up with Daisuke (because Daisuke never broke it off, it was always the other). Takeru knew that the indigo haired boy was going to hurt even more then Hikari had.

"I love Daisuke…he's everything to me."

"What I feel doesn't matter."

Takeru bit his lip, remembering those words uttered so softly long ago and then what Daisuke had said only days before. He didn't know what to make of it, what he could do to help the situation. He wanted to help, make it so his to friends could live happily ever after. No fights, no arguments, no break ups. Just happy together forever…

"Na Ken, chotto." Ken looked at him for a second, placing the phone down and walking over to his blond friend, he could sense something was wrong just by the way that Takeru's voice trembled. Placing a hand on the blond shoulder, he gave Takeru a look that told the blond that he held Ken's complete and total attention.

"About you and Daisuke." Takeru began, a little unsure of how to begin. "How do you think you two are doing, y'know as a couple?"

Ken was a bit taken back by the question; he had been expecting something a little more serious. Something that would be more painful, not that question.

"Fine-"

"Think about it carefully, Ken. Onegaishimasu."

Ken stared at Takeru for a moment, a bemused expression settling on his face. But he did as he was told. He began to examine his relationship with Daisuke over the past month. All they had done, all that had happened between them, every little expressions that came to Daisuke's face every once in a while, the ones that made him wonder what Daisuke was feeling at the time. If he had done something to upset the man. And everything that he felt. How happy did Ken feel? Was he happy? He felt happy.

"Okay I guess, we're not perfect but what relationship is perfect?" Ken replied. "Why?"

Takeru sighed, he was hoping that Ken had at least noticed something. But it seemed that he hadn't and how he had hoped that Ken had because Takeru didn't really want to be the one to break it to him. He also didn't want to tell Ken about what Daisuke had said. It made him feel like he was betraying Daisuke's trust. But he knew he had to, it was important. He didn't want to see them hurt. He'd just let Daisuke beat the crap out of him, that would make them even…he hoped

"Ken, I-I don't think that it's going okay. Yours and Daisuke's relationship, I mean." He began, looking away from Ken. "It's going the same way it did when Hikari and Daisuke were dating."

Ken's eyes widened at the information, his eyes shimmering slightly with hurt, fear and confusion before hardening.

"I love Daisuke…he's everything to me."

"How do you know? Takeru, how can you just say that?"

Takeru still didn't look at Ken; he had been expecting this. He knew this was how Ken would react. It was only natural that he would react this way, but it was Takeru's fault that Ken was so upset and that made him feel worse then before.

I've gotta do this! Takeru told himself taking a deep breath and looking back at Ken, whom was looking back at him expectantly. Staring straight into his best friend's eyes, trying to convey as much support and caring as possible. He told the indigo haired man all that he had been suspecting. He told him about how he had been paying attention to the way Daisuke and Ken had been acting, told him how he had asked the other Chosen Children what they thought about the two men's relationship. And finally he told Ken about his conversation with Daisuke, his hands raising to roll up his sleeves some more, the heat was really starting to get to Takeru.

He told the man before him everything watching as the expressions on Ken's face change. Disbelief, horror, hurt, pain, fear-he could see them all clearly and it hurt Takeru immensely.

Ken closed his eyes, one hand raising up to rub his eyes, his head shaking slightly. He moved towards the couch and sat down, Takeru following quietly behind him, giving him time to process what he had just heard. The silence was no where near as comfortable as all the others were, it was so uncomfortable that Takeru couldn't help but fidget a little. Trying to find something to take his mind off the waiting.

"I don't understand…did I do something wrong?"

***

They sat quietly in the dark room, arms wrapped around each other. His head resting comfortably on the man's shoulder, slightly callused fingers running through indigo tresses. He sighed snuggling deeper into the warmth and he heard a small chuckle above him making him smile too. It was serene, so serene, and so peaceful; just the way he wanted it, just the way he always thought it would be. These small private moments between himself and Daisuke, nothing but a serene warmth, nothing but the feeling of being complete, of being where he belonged. He was happy-so happy. He never wanted to move. He just wanted to sink deeper into the form above him, be surrounded completely by Daisuke's warmth and forget that he even existed.

Light kisses pressed in his hair, strong arms tightening around his slender waist, he shifted a little trying to accommodate for the differences in their height-Daisuke had always been shorter then him. It wasn't important though, the warm feelings negated almost anything that wasn't part of the complete tranquillity that he was experiencing.

Daisuke began to hum softly, not breaking the serenity only adding to it. And Ken began to listen to the soft humming, a part of his mind wondering what he was humming and then it came to him and he smiled, his lips parting without him even realizing it.

"Ikutsumo no tane wo ano oka e ukabete

Kirei na hana wo shikitsumete ageru

Hayaku mitsukete mitsukete

Koko ni iru kara

Okosareru no wo matteru no ni

Itsu demo kimi no egao ni yurete"*

Daisuke grinned and continued to hum while Ken sang along. His mind barely going over each lyric of the song. The soft words sung so passionately, he remembered each word perfectly now as he sang along to Daisuke's humming.

So many seeds have I sent to that hill

To fill it with beautiful flowers

Hurry and find me, find me, I will be here

Waiting to be awoken

Always I sway with your smile

As they continued to go through the song, Ken raised his eyes and looked at Daisuke through his bangs. He noticed, with a frown, the melancholy look on his face. And he found himself wondering what Daisuke was thinking. Why had he chosen to sing that song? Such a melancholy song, not something that Daisuke usually listened to. And why singing it then, when they were holding each other so tenderly? Why that song? Why not another? One that went a long better with the moment?
It was all very strange to him, but then he told himself that he was seeing too much into nothing. The song could have just been stuck in Daisuke's head, or he could have just begun to think of something that had lead to him humming the song. It wasn't like they had been having any sort of conversation, their minds being free to wander as they held each other. Not to mention that the song was melancholy enough to make Daisuke look sad, Ken was just seeing way too much into nothing-being overly critical, overly analytical.

"Na Ken, are you comfortable?" Daisuke suddenly asked, looking down at Ken who was caught slight off guard by the question. He hadn't been expecting it, but smiled at Daisuke for caring.

"Hai Daisuke, I'm fine." Ken replied, sitting up a little so that he could look at Daisuke. "But I think that I should be asking you that. I could have made your arm fall sleep, me lying on it like that."

Daisuke shook his head. "It wouldn't matter if it did anyway."

Ken blushed at that, feeling way too special and getting slightly annoyed with Daisuke for making him feel that way because it always made him blush and feel embarrassed.

Daisuke smiled at him and leaned in to brush his lips across his.

"Do you know how cute you are when you blush?"

Ken felt his face become hotter and he turned away, hiding his face with his hair. He frowned a little, angry with himself for acting like a girl form a shojou manga. He looked back at Daisuke, still frowning and Daisuke looked back at him. That lazy smile of his disappearing to be replaced with a different one, a curious one-his brown eyes seeming to swirl, they looked worried, upset and a bit frightened. But Ken didn't think much of it at the moment at the time, attributing it to the fact that he knew he was frowning at Daisuke.

"You mind not being so sappy, it's too weird." Ken said. Daisuke nodded almost instantly, not cracking a joke, or even thinking about it. Just instantly agreeing, as if given an order that he had no right to comment on or question.

"Sorry for making you uncomfortable." Brown eyes lowered, avoiding Ken's eyes. And Ken bit his lip, becoming upset with himself for hurting Daisuke's feelings. He should have been more sensitive, should have taken into consideration that those words were a manifestation of Daisuke's feelings towards him.

"No, it's okay." He shifted closer to the shorter man, cupping Daisuke's cheek with his hand. His other hand reaching behind Daisuke's head, long fingers playing with short red strands of hair, then taking hold of the back of his head, pulling his head forward.

Ken smiled at him; their lips meeting-an I'm sorry kiss, Ken thought smiling. Daisuke kissed back immediately, opening his mouth for Ken to enter without hesitation. Ken's tongue moved in, not letting the opportunity to explore Daisuke's mouth go to waste, and met with Daisuke's tongue, they rubbed sensually making them moan. Hands roaming all over the others body, never breaking the kiss, Daisuke moved forward pushing Ken down, straddling him.

Lips parted and opened for breath, Daisuke's head moving down, descending as he left a trail of kisses down Ken's cheek, chin, neck. Ken gasped, his hands running up and down Daisuke's back.

"Daisuke…"

"You want me to stop? Wanna change places?" Brown eyes peered into blue, waiting patiently for an order of some kind. Ken smiled up at him, eyes half lidded.

"Daisuke, make love to me."

Daisuke looked at him for a moment, eyes flashing with something unreadable, then they darkened with lust, Ken guessed. He leaned down, his lips brushing over Ken's as he spoke.

"As you wish…"

They kissed.

***

"Ken, I don't know, I really don't know." Takeru said, watching his friend from his place on the couch. Ken looked at him, blue eyes melting with the heat of his pain. Long pale fingers ran through his indigo hair, his head turning to look out the window.

"Couldn't you just be seeing too much into it?" Ken asked hopefully. Takeru shook his head, grimacing at the crest fallen expression on his friend's face. "But…I haven't noticed anything…none of the signs. It's all going well."

Takeru shook his head again, scooting over and wrapping an arm around his friend. Ken sighed and rested his head on Takeru's shoulder.

"I don't think you would've noticed even if it was right in your face, Ken." Takeru said, looking away towards nothing in particular. "You're kinda blinded by love." He smiled a little. "Now we know why they created that expression."

There was another silence in the room, just as uncomfortable as the last and Takeru tried to think of something to say, something that would help-anything would do.

"He really said that? About his feelings not mattering?" Takeru nodded, "How could he say that? Maybe he was just trying to be really nice, like-"

"Iya" Takeru interrupted. "You know exactly what it meant, because you know Daisuke. You know Daisuke as well as I do. You've watched relationship after relationship fall apart because of his apathy."

"Then why'd he say yes!" Ken sat up staring straight into Takeru's eyes. "Why'd he say yes to going out with me if he didn't care-if he didn't like me like that. If he didn't want to like me like that. He would've said no, I'm not just some random fuck and he knows better then to treat me like that. I'm more important then that, I've gotta be."

"Hikari wasn't just some random fuck either, Ken." Takeru said. "Hikari asked him out, Hikari broke up with him. Hikari wasn't just some random fuck; they started as friends, just like you and Daisuke. They're relationship lasted three months, didn't it? How long do you think yours will? Maybe a six months, maybe a year but that's because you love him, you'll want to hold on. Will he? How do you know he's not just waiting, waiting for you say it's over-cause you know he's not gonna say it.

"Ken, your relationship with him isn't going anywhere, and will continue to go no where if you don't stop walking down the same path he and Hikari did!"

Takeru stop talking, not wanting to continue, tried of seeing that pained expression, tried of being the one putting that pained expression on Ken's face. Was he really helping by breaking the blissful bubble Ken was in? He didn't know; all he knew was that talking to Daisuke didn't help. The red head continued to be stubborn, to act like nothing was wrong, to act as if it wasn't important. But would hurting Ken like this help, would getting Ken to realize how dysfunctional their relationship really was help change it?

Ken looked at him; blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears, when was the last time Ken had cried? Takeru remembered exactly when it was, all those years ago, when they were still young and stupid. It wasn't for the same reason that he was about to cry now. This was a different reason, Ken was hurting more then he did before. And it was all his fault, his fault and Daisuke's for having a problem he refused to deal with. For agreeing to date Ken knowing full well what it would lead to. They had both hurt Ken, something they had promised never to do.

Takeru moved forward some more, wrapping his other arm around the blue haired man and holding him tightly. Ken shuddered in his arms, he wasn't the weakest of the three but was the one that had the least trouble showing his emotion, something that Takeru envied Ken for and was happy for at the moment. The last thing the blue haired man needed to do was try and keep some stupid macho façade.

Takeru's arms tightened around his friend's slender waist, pulling him closer, aware of how much hotter it had become since before. The emotions in the room making it much hotter then the heater could ever make it. Ken sobbed his desperation out on to Takeru's shoulder.

"What am I suppose to do, Takeru?" Ken whispered. "I'm no good at stuff like this. I don't know if I can just go over there and confront Daisuke."

"It's okay, you don't gotta do it immediately." Takeru said. "Just think about it for a while, it'll come to you. You won't lose Daisuke. I'll help if you want. Anything for a friend, na?"

"Domo…" Ken whispered and Takeru smiled, Ken wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Sorry, I lost control." He sniffled again, trying to control himself but he wasn't quite sure he could. Takeru smiled at him.

"It's all right." Pale fingers raised to run through blue hair. "You can always break down in front or on me. I don't care, I won't move 'til you want me to."

"Arigato" He pressed his face deeper into Takeru's shoulder and continued to cry, vaguely aware of the fact that he was staining his friend's shirt with his tears. His mind more focused on his problem, on his stupidity, and how naïve he had been for thinking that he could have a smooth problem-free relationship with Daisuke. For believing that he was different then the others, that it wouldn't happen to him.

He should have known this would happen, he should have seen it coming. He had seen it so many times before. Had watched relationship after relationship deteriorate, as Daisuke did nothing to stop. He saw as each meaningless relationship went by and more come to take its place. He should have seen it coming. He should have prepared. And maybe he should have never started it in the first place. Should have just stayed admiring and loving Daisuke from afar. But did it really hurt less now then it did before? At least now he had a chance. Would he really give that up to go back to the way it had once been?

He didn't want to, he couldn't give it up. He had been so close; he had been held and had held Daisuke. Had felt the other man's lips on his, had sat around for hours doing absolutely nothing but holding each other. He didn't want to lose that-he wanted more. He wanted Daisuke to feel what he felt; he wanted to know what it was that kept Daisuke from feeling it. He wanted to be the first to show him how it felt to love, just like Daisuke had shown him so many things.

Ken sat there, his head resting comfortably in Takeru's arms and Takeru's arms wrapped tightly around his waist, as he thought and processed everything that went through his head that concerned Motomiya Daisuke. And Takeru had kept his word, never once moving while Ken thought. Being the pillar of support he need at the moment.

TBC

* The last time I checked, which was about three to four months ago, those statistics were true. I don't know what they are now since I haven't had a reason to check. If anyone cares to know the new ones email me and I'll try and see if I can find the place I got the info from and let you know. Either that or lead you in the right direction.

* Flower by L'Arc~en~Ciel, so you know I ain't write it myself. And everyone should go get that song now because it's wonderful! Hyde has such a beautiful voice.

* For anyone who doesn't know that's the translation to the romaji(sp?) above it. I didn't translate the words, got it from some webpage a while back when I was trying to learn the words to the song and stuff. Can't remember where though.