Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Secrets ❯ Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The silence was unbearable and it made Takeru fidget. But that wasn't the only thing that bothered the blond, the emotions were worse. He could have dealt with the silence if it weren't for the emotions, thick enough to cut off the air supply. It was hard to breathe and it was especially hard to think.

Sadness, betrayal, heartache and anger-just to name a few. There were so many emotions in varying degrees of intensity but all together they were enough to suffocate him. His own anger was enough to suffocate him, it left him lightheaded and he could barely keep himself from breaking something in a fit of rage.

He had to remain calm. He knew that. And so Takeru took a deep breath and tightened his grip around the lean body in his arms. He briefly wondered why his friends always seemed to come to him when they got dumped-these kinds of things always took a serious emotional toll on him and he was always left feeling drained. But to help them-especially Ken-he'd pay that price.

Takeru didn't speak much throughout the whole time they were together-only a word or two when Ken had first arrived. There was no need to, he neither knew what to say nor did he think Ken wanted to hear any comforting words. If there were any comforting words out there for him. Takeru also felt that any attempts at comforting words would just end with him cursing Daisuke to high heaven.

He was so angry with the redhead that he felt as if he were going to explode; the only thing keeping him from doing so was Ken, whom needed Takeru right there then cross-town kicking the crap out of Daisuke. Though when he had the chance the blond knew he would be paying a visit to his other idiotic friend. He just didn't think he would ever feel better without hitting the redhead at least once.

Yeah then we'll have a very long talk. Takeru told himself, making sure that he didn't hurt Ken by accident by gripping him too tightly. Damnit Daisuke I told you. I thought we went through this already. Why don't you ever listen to me when I tell you things!

Takeru took a deep breath; there was no use getting worked up now. Or so he kept telling himself. Any calming technique he had ever learned in his life just seemed not to want to work, leaving him a jumble of nerves. He felt so tense and weary, his emotions were getting to him and he didn't know what to do with them.

Ken was crying in his arms, had been crying since two minutes after he had arrived at Takeru's, and the minute the blond could get Ken to speak coherently he had begun to feel as if he were going to explode. His emotions telling him different things, demanding different reactions form him and he didn't know which to comply to. All he knew was that he had to be there for Ken and worry about himself at a later time, that just making it worse. Pushing down his feelings was never his strong point-his childhood had been perfect proof of that, all he had learned was how to control himself just a little better. Though he was not sure if that really was the best course of actions, controlling usually ended up as suppression, which would always get him in the end.

Takeru sighed and told himself to concentrate on Ken. Sapphire eyes shifting to stare at the trembling form in his arms, long fingers moving up and down Ken's spine. He wished that he could find the perfect words to say, that he could just say one thing and Ken wouldn't have to cry anymore. But there wasn't a thing he could say that was anywhere near as comforting as Daisuke's embrace would have been.

Takeru wanted to say, "I'm here for you". But knew that meant nothing to Ken. He just wasn't who Ken wanted to be there for him and it made Takeru angry. His feelings of inadequacy frustrating him and angering him. What could he do? What could he say? He could offer Ken nothing but a shoulder to cry on and soft touches with the intentions to calm and reassure. Though he didn't even know if that was helpful.

Takeru just wanted to help the man in his arms in anyway possible. He had hoped that sometime during this encounter it would come to him, but nothing did. So he sat quietly as he had been sitting for what felt like hours and let Ken vent out his pain.

At times Ken would just sob and other times-like when he had first arrived-he would try to speak through the lump in his throat. Trying to control the sobs that wracked his body, but Ken would only achieve incoherent babble that almost sounded like a whole new language. The only way for Takeru to get anything out of Ken would be to give him water and force him breath after every word. It had been a trying experience.

But at least Takeru understood now what had happened. Daisuke had broken up with him, that news had left Takeru feeling like a truck had hit him.

Daisuke had broken up with Ken? That couldn't have happened, was the first thing that Takeru had thought. He must have heard wrong. But Ken had confirmed it and it left Takeru feeling like he had been run over by another truck. How could Daisuke have broken up with Ken? Daisuke broke up with nobody; they all broke up with him! That little piece of information had made Takeru feel dizzy and disorganized and his chest had constricted from a sharp pain almost like it had been him who Daisuke had dumped.

Takeru had taken Ken in his arms immediately after the shock had worn off, running his fingers through raven tresses. He ached for Ken, knew just how worthless the man was feeling to be the first person that had ever been dumped by Daisuke. Daisuke who never broke it off even when he was miserable. But he had broken it off with Ken, he knew that knowledge must have felt like to sword through the heart for Ken and Takeru had no way of mending that wound. He didn't believe that there was away to heal that wound, even if Daisuke and Ken could somehow mend their broken relationship.

"Why'd you have to fall in love with Daisuke?" Takeru looked down at Ken whom had finally fallen asleep, little pearl-like tears still trailing round flushed cheeks. "I know that he's beautiful, sweet, helpful, caring, and you two have history that connects you in ways that I'll never understand but really! You've known as long as I have that he's trouble when it comes to relationships. A heart ache waiting to happen. Couldn't you have just fought it off, it's really not as hard as it seems to fight off and squash those kinds of feelings, I'm speaking from experiences too."

Takeru sighed and shifted Ken so that he could carry the man, then rose himself, Ken in his arms, the man's head resting on Takeru's chest as he walked towards the bedroom. He took careful and slow steps, not wanting to wake the man in his arms.

"I wish you had just focused yourself on forgetting your feelings for him." Takeru smiled wistfully. "Maybe found someone else to love, but I know why you didn't try. You thought you could do it, didn't you? You wanted to be the one to show Daisuke true and pure love. You were dreaming of a fairy tale, I can't blame you. It's an attractive thought, to know that Daisuke was experiencing the joys of love because of you." The blond let out a long sigh, that wistful smile still on his face. "I knew better though, and I had hoped you had as well. But I was wrong, you didn't know better, I gave up to easily on so many things, and Daisuke didn't try at all. We all screwed up royally, didn't we? It makes us fools…we make stupid promises, and then we break them because of our emotions and the stupid ways we act on them.

"I wish I had been the one who acted, then you wouldn't be the one in pain. Then I'd be the one hurting, but I've felt these kinds of pains before and learned to deal with them differently then you. I become scared when you're emotionally hurt, Ken, I fear that you won't find a healthy way of coping with it. And now I'm worried, scared, and angry not to mention in complete and utter anguish. Thought I had buried all these feelings, I'm confused on which one of you makes me hurt more. Over the years I've felt so much for the both of you, I don't know which one of you I love more…and I just don't want either of you to be in pain and I just don't know how to fix this!"

Takeru took a deep, shuddering, breathe and gently placed Ken on the bed making sure to make the man as comfortable as possible. He sighed and leaned down placing a soft kiss on Ken's temple and wishing him sweet dreams. He knew Ken would be a sleep for the rest of the day, the man had exhausted himself. First the incident with Daisuke, then running all the way cross-town to Takeru's apartment, and finally crying himself into slumber. Though Takeru still left a note saying that he would be out for a few hours, that Ken could help himself to anything in the apartment, and that his cell phone would be on at all times so Ken could call for any reason no matter how trivial it seemed.

***

Si me falta tu presencia

Yo me pierdo buscandote

***

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to have a fit and hit me?" Takeru stared at his friend in shock, not expecting Daisuke to be so blunt about it. Even though that was exactly what Takeru had intended to do.

Daisuke sighed. "Look Takeru I know you're mad. I know Ken ran over to your place and probably cried himself to sleep…" Daisuke stopped for a moment, guilt settling itself in his eyes. There was no mocking in his voice; it was carefully neutral, yet his eyes betrayed him. Daisuke wasn't covering the emotion in his eyes or wasn't aware that they were being expressed. "I know and I can guess what you're feeling at the moment so do it…just get it over with."

Takeru stared somewhat stunned and somewhat in contemplation at what had just been said. He blinked and shook his head, walking towards Daisuke and raising his arm, his fingers curling to make a fist. He was going to hit him, he had swore to himself that he would hit Daisuke for Ken and for himself. Daisuke stare at him straight in the eyes, never once looking like he would move.

Takeru moved his arm, bring his fist closer to Daisuke's face, but then stopped. He couldn't hit him, his hand fell uselessly then raised again, with the other again, to grab hold of Daisuke's collar and shake him.

"Fuck Daisuke!" He growled. "What the hell were you thinking! I told you damnit!" He continued to shake the man roughly as he yelled and Daisuke took it silently. "How could you do something like this! What the hell was going through that head of yours?"

The blond continued to yell angrily, though after a bit he stopped shaking Daisuke but continued to hold on tightly to the man's collar as if afraid he'd run away. Takeru screamed and yelled and he was sure that after a while all his words had become meaningless jumbled sounds. He wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore, all he knew was that he was angry, confused, hurt, and so worried and he had no other idea on how to help the situation become better. He felt so helpless, so inadequate.

Blue eyes met brown, searching them for anything that could make him understand what was wrong with Daisuke or at least help Daisuke. Anything to help Ken…anything to help Daisuke. He just wanted them to be happy, wanted to see them smile.

"Daisuke, God, please help me understand why you did it?" Takeru pleaded. "Why did you let him get serious-"

"He was serious from the beginning." Daisuke said somewhat tonelessly and it hurt Takeru to hear it. It made Daisuke seem heartless and that scared him.

Takeru took a deep breath trying to calm his emotions before continuing. He had to think clearly.

"But you weren't." Daisuke didn't answer. "If you weren't serious and you knew he was, why did you continue!" Another silence and Takeru found himself sighing. "We talked about this before, Daisuke, you knew what you were getting into. What the hell was going through your head…"

Takeru trailed off, realizing he had asked that question before and that it got him no where. He gripped the shirt tighter, locking eyes with Daisuke, hoping that maybe this way he would be able to get some kind of answer out of him.

They stayed that way for a long time, a long awkward, tense, and uncomfortable silence strengthening between them. But there was nothing else Takeru could think of to do. He just couldn't organize his thoughts well enough to get a good question out.

"He asked me out." Daisuke said softly, turning his head.

"You didn't have to agree, not when you knew that you didn't want to get serious like that."

Daisuke looked at Takeru again. "But you didn't see it, that look in his eyes. He was so hopeful and he had looked so sad that day. I wanted nothing more then to him cheer up, I didn't want to do it, but I thought what could it hurt? I didn't realize how serious he was, thought that it was just an attraction, that it would go away and we'd go back to normal. Like before."

Takeru sighed again, releasing Daisuke's collar and running one trembling hand though his blond hair. He looked down for a moment then back at the redhead. He wished that this wasn't happening, that everything would have just stayed the same way they had been before. He wished that they could have just stayed friends that nothing would've happened to change the peace they were in.

"I told you…"

"But it was too late, Takeru!"

"And what? Were you just hoping that he'd get tired! Waiting for him to break it off with you! Or were you just going to pretend and keep on pretending like nothing was wrong? But of course you knew he'd notice it. You're always so distant, so aloof. You never let yourself get close. You knew he'd realize it, were you hoping that you could end it that way again, Daisuke! Just like with Hikari!"

Daisuke flinched at the mention of Hikari's name, his fist tightening at his sides, Takeru noted that his hands were trembling.

"Takeru, I know I fucked up!" Daisuke all but yelled, "I did something stupid and unforgivable, I broke our promise and broke his heart…I'm so stupid, I know that! You don't have to come here and tell me that damnit! I know how stupid I am, I know…"

Takeru took a step back, surprised by the outburst of emotion and now stood torn between the need to vent his anger and between the urge to take his friend his arms. The pain was so obvious, in his voice, in his eyes; it was surprising to see Daisuke lose control of his emotions like that. Takeru just wanted to take hold of him and hold him, just like he held Ken. To protect them both…he loved them so much.

"I just don't understand…I don't know what say, Daisuke." Takeru said, his whole body trembling with emotion. "I want to help you, I want to help Ken. I want to some how make this right. I hate this, Daisuke! Why couldn't you have said no? Why did Ken have to fall so deeply in love with you? Why can't I distance myself from this problem!"

"Takeru, I don't know…I think fates against us." Daisuke spoke softly, so much pain in his voice. "I didn't want this to happen. But he said he loved me…I couldn't…he couldn't love me. It's just not right-"

Takeru looked up at Daisuke, blinking in confusion and in an effort to keep the tears from falling. "Why isn't it right for him to love you?"

"It just isn't. He doesn't realize it, neither do you, but it just isn't right. The worse thing for him to do is love me, that's why I broke up with him. Because we can't be the way Ken wants us to be, he can't love-" a fictitious character "-me and I can't love him back. It's not in my programming to love like that."

Takeru stared at him, shaking his head and Daisuke could see how painful this was for. Takeru always hurt when they hurt, it was always strange to Daisuke how close the blond could get to their pain even when it had nothing to do with him. He was always so protective and caring with them, he hated to see them hurt and Daisuke knew how inadequate the blond felt when he couldn't help out. But he just couldn't understand why Takeru cared so much, in such a way, for them, almost to the point of loving them.

"That's not true, you could love him. You already do, just not the way he does you. But you could learn-you could try. It isn't hard Daisuke to learn to love someone like that. He can show you, I know it's terrifying but you could learn! Won't you try for him!"

He had come intending to yell and avenge and now found himself begging on his friends' behaves-he begged for both their happiness.

Daisuke sighed and looked into Takeru's eyes, so full of hope and pain. He hated to see Takeru like that, but he couldn't do anything for him. Daisuke took a step closer to Takeru and then another until they were only about an inch or two apart.

"I just want to see you both happy." Takeru spoke, blinking harder but finding it useless, his voice cracked as he spoke. His emotions were getting the better of him, all of them; there was no other way to release them that didn't involve causing bodily harm to either of them. "And I just don't know what else do to for you two. I don't see a happy ending Daisuke. Can't you see that maybe the only way to save you both? Try for him-for yourself-and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But at least you'd know you've tried and he would too. So maybe it'll end differently…so that you won't cry inside anymore.

"'Cause I know you're crying inside, Daisuke, and I don't know why. But whatever it is it's what's keeping you from trying and I don't know how to change it-God, it hurts, this uselessness. But can you try. Please? For the sanity of us all? Can't you try to learn to love Ken the way he loves you? For that happy ending?"

By the time Takeru had finished, the tears had began to fall without anyway of stopping them and Daisuke had his arms around him, holding him tightly. It didn't make Takeru feel any better to know that it was him being comforted instead of Daisuke, but it wasn't like he could do anything. He had asked, he had pleaded and begged and was now crying. That was all he could do, that and hope.

Daisuke's silence wasn't helping the situation, but Daisuke was to busy berating himself to speak. He continued to do stupid things-now they both were in pain. There was nothing he could do about it though; he was such a good for nothing.

"I'm sorry Takeru, but I don't see a happy ending." Daisuke whispered, feeling Takeru tense then begin to tremble again. "I can't, trying is useless, I think that if things had been different then maybe I would've been able to try and maybe succeed, but things aren't. It was ripped from me and I can't get it back, there is no happy ending, there never was. I'm just sorry that you and Ken had to be pulled into this misery…"

He pulled away from Takeru and looked into the man's blue eyes. Leaning up he pressed a kiss to each of the blond's eyes as if it would stop his tears then turned and began to leave his own apartment. At the door he turned and looked at Takeru, who still stood frozen staring at him.

"Lock up for me, I don't think I'll be back tonight and don't stay long, Ken needs you to be close by."

The door opened and slammed shut in only a matter of moments, leaving Takeru standing quietly in the middle of the living surround by Daisuke's paints, canvases, and scattered dirty clothing. The smell of red wood floating in the air, the memory of all that was said and all that happened fresh in his memory. He had failed, he had done nothing to help.

Takeru fell to his knees, tears cascading down his eyes…he had so wanted a happy ending. Why was it that the people he loved the most were always the most miserable?

TBC

Wow, it didn't take me three months to post another chapter! ^^; Though I'm slightly surprised by this chapter, it wasn't in the planning. But as I began to type it just sounded like a good idea to show how Takeru is dealing with it all, being friends with a couple like that. Anyway, I think it was also a little insightful, I remember the old reviews about Takeru's relationship with the other two, now you know!

The lyrics in between the two parts are from Ricky Martin's album Vuelve, (I so like his music better in Spanish, wish he had stayed singing in only Spanish) the song is called "Perdido sin ti" which translates to "I'm lost without you" or just "Lost without you" it doesn't matter. And the lyrics I used translates to: If I miss your presence, I lose myself searching for you". The words sound so much better in Spanish.