Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction / Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction / Magic Knight Rayearth Fan Fiction ❯ Anime Jackass ❯ Anime Jackass ( Chapter 1 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Grey Fox 
No summary.
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction / Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction / Magic Knight Rayearth Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 07.22.2004 | Pages: 4 | Words: 3.2K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Completed
No summary.
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction / Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction / Magic Knight Rayearth Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 07.22.2004 | Pages: 4 | Words: 3.2K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Completed
Anime Jackass
yet another sad attempt at humor
7-22-2004
by Grey
Disclaimer: All these characters belong to whoever the hell owns them, blah blah blah....
First, I pissed off J. K. Rowling to no end. Next, Yuji Naka was screaming for my head. Now, I incur the wrath of some of anime's most beloved auteurs. Here are the people whom are going to participate in this pointless venture:
From Dragon Ball Z, we have Vegeta and Android #18!
From Magic Knight Rayearth, we have Hikaru Shidou and Nova!
From Escaflowne, we have Hitomi Kanzaki and Dilandau Albatou!
From Yu-Gi-Oh, we have Yugi Mutuo and Seto Kaiba!
God help us all.
***********************
Our idiotic story opens up in the middle of a steel works factory. Android #18 is all chained up and is being lowered into a big empty vat. Everyone else is standing around the vat, while Nova is operating the controls.
Hitomi: Sure she can handle this?
Hikaru: She's a Dragon Ball Z character. She can handle anything.
#18: OK, I'm in. Pour the steel.
Nova: Uh, you really sure you want to do this?
#18: Listen, as one sadistic anime bitch to another.... POUR THE GODDAMN STEEL!!
Nova pushes a button, and the entire vat is filled up with molten metal.
Nova: OK, she's supposed to stay in there for one hour, and then come busting out.
Vegeta: And what the hell do we do while we're waiting?
Yugi: They have a bunch of Xboxes and Halo set up in the back.
Kaiba: You're on!
~~~~~~~
And so, after several deathmatch and CTF Halo tournaments (all of which Yugi won, of course) ....
Everyone else comes back into the main room with the vat of steel.
Hitomi: (looking at watch) OK, it'll be an hour right about.... NOW!
Nothing happens. Nothing comes out of the steel vat. Crickets can be heard chirping in the background somewhere.
Nova: Aw great, she must be stuck in there.
Yugi: And the steel's cooled and solid by now. How do we get her out?
Vegeta: Simple, like this! (goes SSJ)
Kaiba: Ah shit, hit the deck! (ducks for cover, and everyone else follows suit)
Vegeta: SUPER VEGETA BIG BANG ATTACK! (shoots huge-ass energy blast at vat, blowing it to pieces)
everyone else: (get up and stare incredulously at Vegeta)
Vegeta: (shrugs shoulders) What?
Android #18 walks out of the smoking pile of rubble. Her hair is charred and standing on end, and her clothes are half-burned-off.
Vegeta: What the hell went wrong in there?
#18: Oh that. Well, I guess I went into sleep mode.
everyone else: (sweatdrop and facefault)
***********************
The setting changes to a scenic mountainside. Yugi walks into view, wearing a duel disk.
Yugi: OK, for our next skit, we have a daredevil stunt by our one and only... SUPERNOVA!
Nova: (walks out wearing a cape and motorcycle helmet - all-in-all, she looks pretty cheesy - and also carrying an empty oil drum)
Yugi: First, I'll need to summon the Catapult Turtle! (slaps card down onto duel disk, causing the hologram to materialize)
Nova: (climbs onto the monster, situating the oil drum on the catapult and then seals herself inside it)
Yugi: Next, I'll need the Labyrinth Wall! (slaps another card onto duel disk, causing the Labyrith Wall to materialize nearby) Now the Catapult Turtle will fire the oil drum, causing it to crash throught all the walls of the Labyrinth Wall! Are you ready?!
Nova: (from inside the oil drum) Just fire me already.
Yugi: OK then... Catapult Turtle... FIRE!!!
The monster shoots the oil drum into the walls, but instead of it going through all the walls, it just gets embedded in the first wall it hits.
Yugi: Um, oops.
Nova: Umm, a little help here? I seem to be stuck.
***********************
The scene now changes to a public park. There in the park, someone set up an inflatable swimming pool filled with chocolate pudding. Out walk Yugi, who's leading Hikaru by the hand, and she's only wearing a skimpy, red two-piece swimsuit. Yugi stops right by the pool.
Hikaru: OK, what am I supposed to do?
Yugi: Just stand right here for now. I'll be right back. (runs off)
Hikaru stands by the pool and waits a few moments. Then, from out of nowhere, comes Nova, wearing only a skimpy, pink two-piece swinsuit. She tackles Hikaru, knocking them both into the pool and getting both of them covered in chocolate pudding. A long wrestling match ensues.
Yugi: (is sitting on a nearby park bench holding a camcorder, taping the entire spectacle)
Kaiba: (walks up) What the hell are you doing?
Yugi: Taping this for me and Jounouchi. This'll be a perfect addition for Jou's 'stash'.
Kaiba: You sick little freak.... (turns and looks at Hikaru and Nova wrestling in chocolate pudding) Send me a copy too.
***********************
The setting changes to a railroad track running through the mountains. Vegta is carrying Android Android #18 and walking toward the track. Vegeta is wearing a tuxedo and a cheesy-looking pohny moustache, and Android #18's wearing a frilly pink dress. Vegeta ties Android #18 to the railroad track, then runs off.
Meanwhile, the sound of a train can be heard approaching. Tied to the very front of the train is Dilandau.
Dilandau: YEEEEE-HAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
When the train hits #18, it pretty much explodes on impact, and the part Dilandau was tied to goes flying off into the distance.
Dilandau: WAAHH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!!!!
Nearby, Hikaru and Nova, still in swimsuits and covered in chocolate pudding, look onward.
Nova: Damn, that guy is screwed up.
Hikaru: And you aren't?
***********************
The scene now changes to Hitomi, Hikaru, and Yugi rolling what looks like a huge plastic ball up a mountain. In the center of that big ball, Kaiba can be seen. Eventually, they reach their destination: the very top of the mountain.
Yugi: Hello. This time, Kaiba's going to partake in what is called 'zoobing', a sort of thrillseeking stunt. Basically, we stick him in this big plastic ball and then roll him down the mountainside.
Vegeta: Pathetic. You humans consider that a dangerous stunt?!
Yugi, Hikaru and Hitomi: (look up to see Vegeta hovering nearby)
Hitomi: Uh, well, yeah.
Vegeta: Feh. Tell you what, why don't I make this a little more.... interesting?
Kaiba: (from inside plastic ball) Uh, what d'you mean by....
Vegeta: (picks up ball and then throws it down the mountain)
Kaiba: (can be heard in the distant background, screaming)
Yugi, Hikaru and Hitomi: (stare incredulously at Vegeta)
Vegeta: (shrugs shoulders) What?
Meanwhile, Kaiba's 'zoob' is rolling down the mountainside at breakneck speed....
As the base of the mountain, a sort of rural carnival has been set up. Of course, it's soon ruined by Kaiba rolling through it in his 'zoob', demolishing everything in his path. Kiosks get smashed to splinters, and people are running away in confusion. Utter chaos is everywhere.
Eventually though, the 'zoob' stops. Kaiba crawls out, but he's all wobbly. He stumbles forward, then he vomits profusely, some of it getting on the camera lens.
***********************
The setup is now like the 'magic circle' from That 70's Show. First off, we see Vegeta....
Vegeta: It disgusts me how people always say Kaiba is the Yu-Gi-Oh equivalent of me. I mean, a little rolling in that big ball and he falls to pieces and pukes on the camera! Pathetic!!
(camera rotates to the left)
Hikaru: Well, just like him, you talk big all the time, only to get your ass handed to you later.
(camera rotates to the right)
Vegeta: Watch your tongue with me, or you'll.... (gets smacked in the face with edge of Hikaru's escudo sword) Agghh, my eye! (covers face with hands and doubles over)
(camera rotates to the right)
Hitomi: (holding a wine bottle, clearly drunk) This stuff is gooood! (takes a big swig from the bottle)
(camera rotates to the right)
Yugi: (in 'Yami' mode, staring disapprovingly at Hitomi) Hitomi, does the word 'underage' mean anything to you?
(camera rotates to the left)
Hitomi: (gives Yugi the finger)
(camera rotates to the right)
Yugi: Guess that answers my question.
(camera rotates to the right)
Hikaru: Ah, one of the lesser-known anime cliches: characters that can't hold their liquor.
(camera rotates to the right)
Vegeta: There's something I've always wondered.... how come we never see Yugi get in a fight? Jounouchi and Honda get into fights all the time, but he never does. Must mean he's a wuss.
(camera rotates to the left)
Hikaru: Yugi doesn't need to fight. He used his brains to come up with ways to trap and outfox his enemies.
(camera rotates to the right)
Vegeta: Doesn't make him any less of a wuss. I mean, I bet even Hitomi here could deck him!
(camera rotates to the right)
Hitomi: Yeah. Yeah I could, couldn't I?
(camera rotates to the right)
Yugi: But you're not gonna try, right? I mean.... (Hitomi fist comes lashing out from the left, hitting Yugi in the face and knocking him down)
***********************
It's the middle of the day, and high in the sky, a World War II-style bomber plane is soaring throught the air. In the cockpit is Nova, wearing some trendy goggles and a scarf.
Nova: Attention! We are approaching the target! Repeat, the target is coming up!!
Vegeta: (from the back of the plane) Excellent! Finally, I shall have my revenge!!
Nova: We all will, my friend, we all will. OK, coming up to drop-off point.... NOW!! (presses a button)
Underneath the plane, a trap door opens. Out comes a huge-ass bomb. And sitting on top of that bomb is Vegeta wearing a cowboy outfit.
(camera angle above Vegeta and the bomb, with the ground rapidly getting closer)
Vegeta: YEEEEEE-HAAAWWWWWW!!!!!! AT LAST, IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!!
The view switches to a building down below. It's the headquarters of FUNimation Productions. A few seconds later, Vegeta's bomb lands on the building, blowing it to smithereens.
~~~~~~
It's now the evening news with Kent Brockman from The Simpsons.
Brockman: Earlier today, at the headquarters of the entertainment company FUNimation productions, some sick twisted individual dropped a bomb from a plane, completely destroying it, and....
Kaiba: (comes out of nowhere and shoves Brockman aside) Anime fans rejoice! We have annihilated one of the companies that butchered a great series. And this was only the beginning! THAT'S RIGHT 4KIDS, YOU'RE NEXT!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
***********************
The setting now switches to a summer resort somewhere. Here we see Hikaru, again in a swimsuit.
Hikaru: Hello again everyone! I'm curious, did anyone ever read this other fic by this author, called 'Tragic Heroes'?
~crickets can be heard chirping in the back~
Hikaru: Yeah, that's what I figured. Well, if any of you had bothered to read it, you'd know I get all-new powers, enabling me to do stuff like this....
Hikaru takes a can of petroleum jelly and smears it all over her body. Then she lays down on a concrete block. Android #18 comes up and sets up a barbeque grilling grate right over Hikaru's body. Then she drops a lit match of her, setting her body on fire, but Hikaru's not harmed in the least. Android #18 then puts on a chef's hat and an apron that says 'Kiss The Cook' and starts cooking burgers with the flames from Hikaru's body.
Dilandau: Don't mind if I do. (walks up and kisses #18, who has a shocked look in her eyes)
~~~~~~
The scene switches a swimming pool some distance away. Nova is there, again in a pink bikini, sitting in a beach chair and reading a Dr. Slump manga.
A loud 'THOK!' is heard in the distance, followed by Dilandau's screams of agony. Dilandau comes flying out of nowhere and lands in the pool.
Nova: Good God, that was the biggest display of stupidity I've ever seen.
Yugi: (from atop a 20-foot tall diving board) BELLY FLOP!!! (jumps off the diving board and does a painful-sounding belly flop, while still wearing the Millenium Puzzle)
Nova: I stand corrected. THAT was.
***********************
From behind a bunch of cardboard boxes, Hikaru pokes her head out. She's wearing an army helmet and a camouflage uniform. She picks up a walkie-talkie and radios someone.
Hikaru: This is Purple Monkey Dishwasher calling Stinky Monkey. Do you read, Stinky Monkey?
Vegeta: (from the other end) What the hell are you talking about?!
Hikaru: It's code names, to confuse our enemies. I'm Purple Monkey Dishwasher and you're Stinky Monkey.
Vegeta: Why the hell is that?!
Hikaru: Because, again, we need to outwit our enemies if we're gonna win this paintball match. Oh by the way, I think that's Juuhachi-chan trying to sneak up on you.
Vegeta: WHAT?!!!
The scene now switches to where Vegeta is. From behind a bunch of potted trees, Android #18 steps out aiming her paintball gun at Vegeta. Vegeta turns around and shoots his own paintball gun, but #18 dashes to the side and fires back.
Oh yeah, and something else: neither Vegeta nor #18 are what could be considered experts when it comes to guns, so their paintball shots go flying all over the place, hitting just about everything.
voice over an intercom: Attention Wal-Mart customers. Apparently, there are two weirdos shooting up the garden area with paintballs. It's a good idea to stay far, far away....
Elsewhere in the Wal-Mart, Dilandau and Kaiba are riding around in a go-kart, plowing through anything in their path and searching for enemy paintballers to shoot up. From out of nowhere, Yugi leaps and lands on the kart, shooting up the riders and causing the kart to crash. And at the registers at the front, Hitomi is weilding two paintball guns like a crazed cowboy and is shooting wildly at Nova, who's hopelessly pinned down, ducking for cover behind a register.
voice over intercom: Oh great, more psycho paintball gun-wielding freaks evrywhere. Someone get security....
***********************
The setting is now a golf course near some retirement home in Florida. Some old guy is about to make a putt, but before he can, Android #18 and Nova jump out from behind some nearby trees and sound off air horns.
#18: Heh heh heh....
Nova: Sucker....
#18 and Nova quickly duck back behind cover. The old guy and his golfing buddies spout off profanities at them. But soon the guy goes back to concentrating on his putt. But again, before he can make it, #18 and Nova jump out and use their air horns again.
old geezer: Damn you! One more time and I'm calling security!!
#18: Oooh, I'm scared....
Nova: Oh don't worry, WE won't try anything....
The old guy goes back to putting. But instead of being distracted by air horns, the silence is pierced by a loud yell and the sound of an engine revving up. Seconds later, Hitomi comes out of nowhere driving a big ATV, heading straight for the old guys golfing.
old geezer: What the hell?!
Hitomi: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
All the old guys have to jump out of the way to avoid being run over. Hitomi drives by and the side of her ATV slams into their golf kart, knocking it over. And just as all the men start to get up, Hitomi does a 180 and drives right back at them, forcing them to dive out of the way again.
***********************
The setting is now, well, get this: in space. High above the Earth, to be exact. All we see, besides a buch of stars in the background, is a single man in a spacesuit holding on to a piece of rope (we don't see what it's attached to). Actually, this guy looks a little short.... Once the camera zooms in on the guy's head, we can see through the visor. It's Yugi.
Yugi: Hello everyone! For our final skit, I'll be, well, I call it 'spaceskiing'. It's essentially the same as waterskiing, but in space. And instead of being pulled by a boat, I'll be getting a lift from Hikaru over here.
The camera pans to the left, where we see Hikaru in her Mashin, Rayearth. She gives a little salute, then speeds off, holding the other end of the piece of rope Yugi's holding.
Yugi: Here we go....... WHEEEEEE!!!!!
Yugi is dragged along high above Earth by Hikaru and Rayearth. For a while, evrything is going smoothly. But all of a sudden, Yugi's body slams into a satellite.
Yugi: OWWW!! Goddamnit! Well, that's wasn't too bad, and.... eh?
The satellite Yugi slammed into appears to now be slowly descending toward Earth.
Yugi: Uh-oh, I don't like the looks of this....
The descent of the satellite gets faster. Now it's begun to enter Earth's atmosphere. And, well, you can guess what's about to happen....
Yugi: AHHHH!!! OWWW!!! OUCH!!! AGGHH, IT'S HOT!!! OWWWWW!!!
~~~~~~
Down below on Earth, somewhere in America, George W. Bush is campaigning,speaking from atop a dais.
Bush: And furthermore, we must unite, to create a stronger America, and...eh?
A low whistling sound can be heard overhead, and it's progressively getting louder....
Before anyone can do anything, a flaming satellite crashes right atop Bush. A few minutes later, Yugi walks out of the flaming wreckage, takes off his helmet, and gives a thumbs-up.
***********************
Heh, if only....
***********************
Well, that's that. Here's my third, and hopefully last, Jackass-style fic. Thank you for actually sitting through this garbage. Now excuse me, but I gotta get out of here before the Republicans send the Secret Service after me....
So long,
Grey
yet another sad attempt at humor
7-22-2004
by Grey
Disclaimer: All these characters belong to whoever the hell owns them, blah blah blah....
First, I pissed off J. K. Rowling to no end. Next, Yuji Naka was screaming for my head. Now, I incur the wrath of some of anime's most beloved auteurs. Here are the people whom are going to participate in this pointless venture:
From Dragon Ball Z, we have Vegeta and Android #18!
From Magic Knight Rayearth, we have Hikaru Shidou and Nova!
From Escaflowne, we have Hitomi Kanzaki and Dilandau Albatou!
From Yu-Gi-Oh, we have Yugi Mutuo and Seto Kaiba!
God help us all.
***********************
Our idiotic story opens up in the middle of a steel works factory. Android #18 is all chained up and is being lowered into a big empty vat. Everyone else is standing around the vat, while Nova is operating the controls.
Hitomi: Sure she can handle this?
Hikaru: She's a Dragon Ball Z character. She can handle anything.
#18: OK, I'm in. Pour the steel.
Nova: Uh, you really sure you want to do this?
#18: Listen, as one sadistic anime bitch to another.... POUR THE GODDAMN STEEL!!
Nova pushes a button, and the entire vat is filled up with molten metal.
Nova: OK, she's supposed to stay in there for one hour, and then come busting out.
Vegeta: And what the hell do we do while we're waiting?
Yugi: They have a bunch of Xboxes and Halo set up in the back.
Kaiba: You're on!
~~~~~~~
And so, after several deathmatch and CTF Halo tournaments (all of which Yugi won, of course) ....
Everyone else comes back into the main room with the vat of steel.
Hitomi: (looking at watch) OK, it'll be an hour right about.... NOW!
Nothing happens. Nothing comes out of the steel vat. Crickets can be heard chirping in the background somewhere.
Nova: Aw great, she must be stuck in there.
Yugi: And the steel's cooled and solid by now. How do we get her out?
Vegeta: Simple, like this! (goes SSJ)
Kaiba: Ah shit, hit the deck! (ducks for cover, and everyone else follows suit)
Vegeta: SUPER VEGETA BIG BANG ATTACK! (shoots huge-ass energy blast at vat, blowing it to pieces)
everyone else: (get up and stare incredulously at Vegeta)
Vegeta: (shrugs shoulders) What?
Android #18 walks out of the smoking pile of rubble. Her hair is charred and standing on end, and her clothes are half-burned-off.
Vegeta: What the hell went wrong in there?
#18: Oh that. Well, I guess I went into sleep mode.
everyone else: (sweatdrop and facefault)
***********************
The setting changes to a scenic mountainside. Yugi walks into view, wearing a duel disk.
Yugi: OK, for our next skit, we have a daredevil stunt by our one and only... SUPERNOVA!
Nova: (walks out wearing a cape and motorcycle helmet - all-in-all, she looks pretty cheesy - and also carrying an empty oil drum)
Yugi: First, I'll need to summon the Catapult Turtle! (slaps card down onto duel disk, causing the hologram to materialize)
Nova: (climbs onto the monster, situating the oil drum on the catapult and then seals herself inside it)
Yugi: Next, I'll need the Labyrinth Wall! (slaps another card onto duel disk, causing the Labyrith Wall to materialize nearby) Now the Catapult Turtle will fire the oil drum, causing it to crash throught all the walls of the Labyrinth Wall! Are you ready?!
Nova: (from inside the oil drum) Just fire me already.
Yugi: OK then... Catapult Turtle... FIRE!!!
The monster shoots the oil drum into the walls, but instead of it going through all the walls, it just gets embedded in the first wall it hits.
Yugi: Um, oops.
Nova: Umm, a little help here? I seem to be stuck.
***********************
The scene now changes to a public park. There in the park, someone set up an inflatable swimming pool filled with chocolate pudding. Out walk Yugi, who's leading Hikaru by the hand, and she's only wearing a skimpy, red two-piece swimsuit. Yugi stops right by the pool.
Hikaru: OK, what am I supposed to do?
Yugi: Just stand right here for now. I'll be right back. (runs off)
Hikaru stands by the pool and waits a few moments. Then, from out of nowhere, comes Nova, wearing only a skimpy, pink two-piece swinsuit. She tackles Hikaru, knocking them both into the pool and getting both of them covered in chocolate pudding. A long wrestling match ensues.
Yugi: (is sitting on a nearby park bench holding a camcorder, taping the entire spectacle)
Kaiba: (walks up) What the hell are you doing?
Yugi: Taping this for me and Jounouchi. This'll be a perfect addition for Jou's 'stash'.
Kaiba: You sick little freak.... (turns and looks at Hikaru and Nova wrestling in chocolate pudding) Send me a copy too.
***********************
The setting changes to a railroad track running through the mountains. Vegta is carrying Android Android #18 and walking toward the track. Vegeta is wearing a tuxedo and a cheesy-looking pohny moustache, and Android #18's wearing a frilly pink dress. Vegeta ties Android #18 to the railroad track, then runs off.
Meanwhile, the sound of a train can be heard approaching. Tied to the very front of the train is Dilandau.
Dilandau: YEEEEE-HAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
When the train hits #18, it pretty much explodes on impact, and the part Dilandau was tied to goes flying off into the distance.
Dilandau: WAAHH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!!!!
Nearby, Hikaru and Nova, still in swimsuits and covered in chocolate pudding, look onward.
Nova: Damn, that guy is screwed up.
Hikaru: And you aren't?
***********************
The scene now changes to Hitomi, Hikaru, and Yugi rolling what looks like a huge plastic ball up a mountain. In the center of that big ball, Kaiba can be seen. Eventually, they reach their destination: the very top of the mountain.
Yugi: Hello. This time, Kaiba's going to partake in what is called 'zoobing', a sort of thrillseeking stunt. Basically, we stick him in this big plastic ball and then roll him down the mountainside.
Vegeta: Pathetic. You humans consider that a dangerous stunt?!
Yugi, Hikaru and Hitomi: (look up to see Vegeta hovering nearby)
Hitomi: Uh, well, yeah.
Vegeta: Feh. Tell you what, why don't I make this a little more.... interesting?
Kaiba: (from inside plastic ball) Uh, what d'you mean by....
Vegeta: (picks up ball and then throws it down the mountain)
Kaiba: (can be heard in the distant background, screaming)
Yugi, Hikaru and Hitomi: (stare incredulously at Vegeta)
Vegeta: (shrugs shoulders) What?
Meanwhile, Kaiba's 'zoob' is rolling down the mountainside at breakneck speed....
As the base of the mountain, a sort of rural carnival has been set up. Of course, it's soon ruined by Kaiba rolling through it in his 'zoob', demolishing everything in his path. Kiosks get smashed to splinters, and people are running away in confusion. Utter chaos is everywhere.
Eventually though, the 'zoob' stops. Kaiba crawls out, but he's all wobbly. He stumbles forward, then he vomits profusely, some of it getting on the camera lens.
***********************
The setup is now like the 'magic circle' from That 70's Show. First off, we see Vegeta....
Vegeta: It disgusts me how people always say Kaiba is the Yu-Gi-Oh equivalent of me. I mean, a little rolling in that big ball and he falls to pieces and pukes on the camera! Pathetic!!
(camera rotates to the left)
Hikaru: Well, just like him, you talk big all the time, only to get your ass handed to you later.
(camera rotates to the right)
Vegeta: Watch your tongue with me, or you'll.... (gets smacked in the face with edge of Hikaru's escudo sword) Agghh, my eye! (covers face with hands and doubles over)
(camera rotates to the right)
Hitomi: (holding a wine bottle, clearly drunk) This stuff is gooood! (takes a big swig from the bottle)
(camera rotates to the right)
Yugi: (in 'Yami' mode, staring disapprovingly at Hitomi) Hitomi, does the word 'underage' mean anything to you?
(camera rotates to the left)
Hitomi: (gives Yugi the finger)
(camera rotates to the right)
Yugi: Guess that answers my question.
(camera rotates to the right)
Hikaru: Ah, one of the lesser-known anime cliches: characters that can't hold their liquor.
(camera rotates to the right)
Vegeta: There's something I've always wondered.... how come we never see Yugi get in a fight? Jounouchi and Honda get into fights all the time, but he never does. Must mean he's a wuss.
(camera rotates to the left)
Hikaru: Yugi doesn't need to fight. He used his brains to come up with ways to trap and outfox his enemies.
(camera rotates to the right)
Vegeta: Doesn't make him any less of a wuss. I mean, I bet even Hitomi here could deck him!
(camera rotates to the right)
Hitomi: Yeah. Yeah I could, couldn't I?
(camera rotates to the right)
Yugi: But you're not gonna try, right? I mean.... (Hitomi fist comes lashing out from the left, hitting Yugi in the face and knocking him down)
***********************
It's the middle of the day, and high in the sky, a World War II-style bomber plane is soaring throught the air. In the cockpit is Nova, wearing some trendy goggles and a scarf.
Nova: Attention! We are approaching the target! Repeat, the target is coming up!!
Vegeta: (from the back of the plane) Excellent! Finally, I shall have my revenge!!
Nova: We all will, my friend, we all will. OK, coming up to drop-off point.... NOW!! (presses a button)
Underneath the plane, a trap door opens. Out comes a huge-ass bomb. And sitting on top of that bomb is Vegeta wearing a cowboy outfit.
(camera angle above Vegeta and the bomb, with the ground rapidly getting closer)
Vegeta: YEEEEEE-HAAAWWWWWW!!!!!! AT LAST, IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!!
The view switches to a building down below. It's the headquarters of FUNimation Productions. A few seconds later, Vegeta's bomb lands on the building, blowing it to smithereens.
~~~~~~
It's now the evening news with Kent Brockman from The Simpsons.
Brockman: Earlier today, at the headquarters of the entertainment company FUNimation productions, some sick twisted individual dropped a bomb from a plane, completely destroying it, and....
Kaiba: (comes out of nowhere and shoves Brockman aside) Anime fans rejoice! We have annihilated one of the companies that butchered a great series. And this was only the beginning! THAT'S RIGHT 4KIDS, YOU'RE NEXT!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
***********************
The setting now switches to a summer resort somewhere. Here we see Hikaru, again in a swimsuit.
Hikaru: Hello again everyone! I'm curious, did anyone ever read this other fic by this author, called 'Tragic Heroes'?
~crickets can be heard chirping in the back~
Hikaru: Yeah, that's what I figured. Well, if any of you had bothered to read it, you'd know I get all-new powers, enabling me to do stuff like this....
Hikaru takes a can of petroleum jelly and smears it all over her body. Then she lays down on a concrete block. Android #18 comes up and sets up a barbeque grilling grate right over Hikaru's body. Then she drops a lit match of her, setting her body on fire, but Hikaru's not harmed in the least. Android #18 then puts on a chef's hat and an apron that says 'Kiss The Cook' and starts cooking burgers with the flames from Hikaru's body.
Dilandau: Don't mind if I do. (walks up and kisses #18, who has a shocked look in her eyes)
~~~~~~
The scene switches a swimming pool some distance away. Nova is there, again in a pink bikini, sitting in a beach chair and reading a Dr. Slump manga.
A loud 'THOK!' is heard in the distance, followed by Dilandau's screams of agony. Dilandau comes flying out of nowhere and lands in the pool.
Nova: Good God, that was the biggest display of stupidity I've ever seen.
Yugi: (from atop a 20-foot tall diving board) BELLY FLOP!!! (jumps off the diving board and does a painful-sounding belly flop, while still wearing the Millenium Puzzle)
Nova: I stand corrected. THAT was.
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From behind a bunch of cardboard boxes, Hikaru pokes her head out. She's wearing an army helmet and a camouflage uniform. She picks up a walkie-talkie and radios someone.
Hikaru: This is Purple Monkey Dishwasher calling Stinky Monkey. Do you read, Stinky Monkey?
Vegeta: (from the other end) What the hell are you talking about?!
Hikaru: It's code names, to confuse our enemies. I'm Purple Monkey Dishwasher and you're Stinky Monkey.
Vegeta: Why the hell is that?!
Hikaru: Because, again, we need to outwit our enemies if we're gonna win this paintball match. Oh by the way, I think that's Juuhachi-chan trying to sneak up on you.
Vegeta: WHAT?!!!
The scene now switches to where Vegeta is. From behind a bunch of potted trees, Android #18 steps out aiming her paintball gun at Vegeta. Vegeta turns around and shoots his own paintball gun, but #18 dashes to the side and fires back.
Oh yeah, and something else: neither Vegeta nor #18 are what could be considered experts when it comes to guns, so their paintball shots go flying all over the place, hitting just about everything.
voice over an intercom: Attention Wal-Mart customers. Apparently, there are two weirdos shooting up the garden area with paintballs. It's a good idea to stay far, far away....
Elsewhere in the Wal-Mart, Dilandau and Kaiba are riding around in a go-kart, plowing through anything in their path and searching for enemy paintballers to shoot up. From out of nowhere, Yugi leaps and lands on the kart, shooting up the riders and causing the kart to crash. And at the registers at the front, Hitomi is weilding two paintball guns like a crazed cowboy and is shooting wildly at Nova, who's hopelessly pinned down, ducking for cover behind a register.
voice over intercom: Oh great, more psycho paintball gun-wielding freaks evrywhere. Someone get security....
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The setting is now a golf course near some retirement home in Florida. Some old guy is about to make a putt, but before he can, Android #18 and Nova jump out from behind some nearby trees and sound off air horns.
#18: Heh heh heh....
Nova: Sucker....
#18 and Nova quickly duck back behind cover. The old guy and his golfing buddies spout off profanities at them. But soon the guy goes back to concentrating on his putt. But again, before he can make it, #18 and Nova jump out and use their air horns again.
old geezer: Damn you! One more time and I'm calling security!!
#18: Oooh, I'm scared....
Nova: Oh don't worry, WE won't try anything....
The old guy goes back to putting. But instead of being distracted by air horns, the silence is pierced by a loud yell and the sound of an engine revving up. Seconds later, Hitomi comes out of nowhere driving a big ATV, heading straight for the old guys golfing.
old geezer: What the hell?!
Hitomi: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
All the old guys have to jump out of the way to avoid being run over. Hitomi drives by and the side of her ATV slams into their golf kart, knocking it over. And just as all the men start to get up, Hitomi does a 180 and drives right back at them, forcing them to dive out of the way again.
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The setting is now, well, get this: in space. High above the Earth, to be exact. All we see, besides a buch of stars in the background, is a single man in a spacesuit holding on to a piece of rope (we don't see what it's attached to). Actually, this guy looks a little short.... Once the camera zooms in on the guy's head, we can see through the visor. It's Yugi.
Yugi: Hello everyone! For our final skit, I'll be, well, I call it 'spaceskiing'. It's essentially the same as waterskiing, but in space. And instead of being pulled by a boat, I'll be getting a lift from Hikaru over here.
The camera pans to the left, where we see Hikaru in her Mashin, Rayearth. She gives a little salute, then speeds off, holding the other end of the piece of rope Yugi's holding.
Yugi: Here we go....... WHEEEEEE!!!!!
Yugi is dragged along high above Earth by Hikaru and Rayearth. For a while, evrything is going smoothly. But all of a sudden, Yugi's body slams into a satellite.
Yugi: OWWW!! Goddamnit! Well, that's wasn't too bad, and.... eh?
The satellite Yugi slammed into appears to now be slowly descending toward Earth.
Yugi: Uh-oh, I don't like the looks of this....
The descent of the satellite gets faster. Now it's begun to enter Earth's atmosphere. And, well, you can guess what's about to happen....
Yugi: AHHHH!!! OWWW!!! OUCH!!! AGGHH, IT'S HOT!!! OWWWWW!!!
~~~~~~
Down below on Earth, somewhere in America, George W. Bush is campaigning,speaking from atop a dais.
Bush: And furthermore, we must unite, to create a stronger America, and...eh?
A low whistling sound can be heard overhead, and it's progressively getting louder....
Before anyone can do anything, a flaming satellite crashes right atop Bush. A few minutes later, Yugi walks out of the flaming wreckage, takes off his helmet, and gives a thumbs-up.
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Heh, if only....
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Well, that's that. Here's my third, and hopefully last, Jackass-style fic. Thank you for actually sitting through this garbage. Now excuse me, but I gotta get out of here before the Republicans send the Secret Service after me....
So long,
Grey