Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ And Now for Something Totally Different ❯ Completely Different ( One-Shot )

Totally Different

by GutterBall

GutterBallGT@hotmail.com

one-shot

R

 

Warnings: het lime bordering on lemon, language, a total smart-ass, shameless friends-as-characters and self-insertion (gods help us)...need I say more?

 

Disclaimers: I own neither DBZ not the characters within. No profit is intended.

 

Author's Note: This is, in sum total, for Barb. She wanted some smut for the ol' git--some HET smut, gods help me!--so here's the result. It's based on kind of a running joke that only she and a few others will get. In other words, when you want to gouge your eyes out for having read such drivel, blame her! *laughs and runs away -- taking Kakarot with me...LISA!*

 

 

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT

 

 

So Frieza sent me to the next dimension.

 

I suppose I deserved it. I did fly in the face of both tradition and our contract with the little bastard, but he cheated us first. He betrayed us.

 

At least I took a stand before he sent me to the next dimension. I guess I'll always have that, and the knowledge that my boy will eventually win that particular fight. Hn. My brat--the noisy little runt--will send Frieza to the next dimension, if he hasn't already. Beautiful.

 

So, here I am. Turns out, the next dimension is Hell. Worse, it turns out Hell is boring.

 

It wouldn't be so bad if I could hang around with the other Saiyans I occasionally see, but one distinct property of this place keeps me apart from the rest. We all go to our own personal Hell, and, apparently, mine is to always be ostracized from my race, to suffer with other races who have earned, for what reasons the gods only know, my wrath for eternity.

 

Hell, even I can't stay mad for that long. These little ingrates get off light with me. I knocked 'em around for the first few years, sure, but now I just kind of bark at them. I only really roll the new recruits, and that's more to get them used to the place than out of any remaining anger at my fate.

 

I guess I'm just tired.

 

I know there are other Saiyans here, of course. Every once in a while, I see them pass by on the very outskirts of my...my domain, for lack of a better term. They never hear when I holler for them, though. Whatever keeps me alone also keeps them from even knowing I'm here. Or they're all inconceivable assholes who can ignore the worst cussing I can come up with.

 

No. They can't hear me. No Saiyan I've ever come across could resist the lure of a brawl after such timeless taunts as "your dick makes tail-fur look long" and "your mother's tail was kinked".

 

So I'm effectively alone, and I'm tired. Gods, what I wouldn't give for something...different.

 

* * *

 

Okay, this is different.

 

I swear I just fell asleep for a second, but...but I'm somewhere else. I'm just going to lay here for a second...though I'm upright somehow...and think this out. Where the hell is everyone? And why am I floating in...gunk...and staring at two sets of eyes peering at me through a porthole?

 

"He's awake!"

 

"Sssh! Don't scare him."

 

"Can I see? Can I see?"

 

"Oooh...I wanna diddle him first...."

 

"Hey, quality control on this model is my job!"

 

"Okay, that's it. Everyone out."

 

A chorus of groans and protests greets this command, but whatever fluid I'm in is too thick to really hear the details through. The faces pressed against the porthole glass disappear, and I'm left alone--really alone, at this point. No minions to scrap on, no indistinct Saiyans marching by at the edge of my awareness, no nothing. Just...gunk.

 

Then, the gunk drains out, and I sink to the floor, nearly slipping as the fluid level lowers enough that my legs have to support me. I brace both hands and feet against the sides of the metal...container...thing and spit out whatever's in my mouth and covering the lower half of my face. Gods, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was in a regeneration tank back on Frieza's ship.

 

Surely not.

 

Before I can work up true worry, a hiss and the grind of metal nearly deafens me, and the hatch pops, the door to this...contraption swinging open. My vision is still blurry from the gunk, so I can't really see anything but light and shadow. Digging the heels of my hands into my eyes, I try to work it out without losing my balance or slipping on the cold metal floor.

 

"How do you feel?"

 

Not a familiar voice. Definitely feminine, though not as harsh as any female I know... or knew...whatever. Dammit. What the--?

 

"Here, I'll help."

 

Strong but small hands grab my upper arm, maneuvering me until one arm is draped across narrow shoulders and most of my weight leans on the shorter body at my side. Shrugging, I go with it, confused as hell but rather intrigued at anything different. Has my Hell changed?

 

The female--with all that hair, it had better be a female--leads me to a table of some sort and helps me up onto it, allowing me to sit when I resist laying down. I blink more, trying to work out the rest of the gunk, and rub at my eyes as soon as she lets me go.

 

"Oh, hold on. I can fix that."

 

Her hands push mine away, and I growl, scowling and shoving at her.

 

"Hey! Cut it out! I'm just trying to help. Let me flush that fluid out so you can see."

 

Oh. Swallowing another growl, I cross my arms and sit still, allowing her to tilt my head back and tug my eyelids open with a careful finger. Three drops of cold liquid make me jerk and blink, but it doesn't hurt, so I don't vaporize her. Three drops in the other eye, and she backs away, letting me sniffle and blink out the extra fluid until I can actually see.

 

That's definitely not a Saiyan female.

 

No Saiyan female has such ridiculous curly hair. Or a smile. And no Saiyan female would be caught dead in front of a Saiyan male without at least flicking her tail.

 

"What the fuck?"

 

She laughs and smiles again. "That sounds like Barb's cue. But at least let me find you some scrubs first. Otherwise, she'll have a coronary."

 

I blink, and her smile quirks into a grin. "Scrubs. You know, clothes?"

 

I look down and blush, immediately covering myself. "What the fuck!"

 

Chuckling, she digs in a cabinet and throws me what I presume are clothes. They're too loose for my tastes, but they cover everything that needs covering and have a hole in the back for my tail, and the female at least pays me the courtesy of not watching while I dress.

 

"Tell me what the fuck is going on, woman."

 

"That's definitely Barb's cue." Grinning and not looking even a bit worried, she raises her voice. "Okay, guys! You can come in now! But don't freak him out. Remember, he's new."

 

She looks behind me, and, gods help me, I can't help but turn and look, too. Two other females come through the door, pushing and tripping over each other to be the first ones through. The younger of the two stops and gapes, blushing, while the other simply bullies on through, nearly falling but catching herself with surprising agility.

 

"Oooohhh...he's just like I imagined!"

 

The younger female finally closes her mouth, only to thrust her fists into the air and whoop. "We did it! Our first clone!"

 

"What the fuck?!"

 

The other female reddens, clasping her hands together and tilting her head with the absolute strangest look in her eyes I have ever seen. "That's my old git. Oh, girls, this is lovely!"

 

A hand closes around my bicep, and I flinch away, energy glowing in my hand as I turn on this new threat. The first female smiles crookedly, apparently unconcerned about the instant death I hold in my hand, and gestures at the table with her free hand.

 

"Perhaps you should sit down? You look a little...pale."

 

While an immediate retort flies to my tongue, I don't let it loose. To be honest, I feel a little pale. The energy dissipates, and I allow her to back me up to the table.

 

Turning my head a bit to talk to her without taking my eyes off the other two, I scowl. "Answer me one question."

 

"I will!"

 

"Ask me!"

 

Rolling my eyes, I ignore the chorus. "Who the hell sent me to the next dimension this time? I don't remember anything."

 

The first female frowns a bit and tilts her head. "The next dimension? Oh, you think you're dead?" She smiles, and I can't help but think she's actually a pleasant sort of person. Definitely not a Saiyan. "You're not dead, Bardock. You're a clone."

 

* * *

 

Okay, I'm not terribly proud of myself for passing out. But it was something of a shock.

 

Waking up to an anonymous female kissing me and thumping me on the chest didn't help matters much. Of course, after the first female and the younger one pulled the crazy one off me, they tried to explain that Barb, as the crazy one is called, was just trying to perform CPR--whatever the hell that is. In my opinion, it involved a little too much tongue to be anything but a prelude to a mating ritual.

 

But things are looking up. After all, I apparently get to eat everything in sight, and they keep reappearing with ever more food, so perhaps they can be excused for...whatever the hell they did. Even the crazy one, who keeps turning that bizarre look on me when she knows I'm looking.

 

Just what the hell does she have in her eyes, anyway? I didn't blink that much trying to get that gunk out.

 

"Pesh, I must say that you've outdone yourself," the first female says, giving me an approving nod that mystifies me. "He even has that scar we all love."

 

The younger female, apparently called Pesh, grins and stands a bit straighter. "Well, I can't take all the credit, GB. We all added our two cents' worth to this little project. And thank God Barb had those dragonballs hidden away in her basement."

 

Okay, so the first female is obviously "gee-bee"--what are those, initials?--and the other two are Pesh and Barb. I think I have them all down now. Ugh, there's that look again from the crazy one. It doesn't look like there's anything in her eye....

 

If it weren't for the food, I think I'd have blasted them all by now.

 

"What the hell are you women talking about?"

 

The crazy one--Barb, her name is Barb--blinks rapidly and sighs. "We got this great idea to clone Saiyan bishies, Bardie."

 

I blink. Bardie? What the fuck??

 

"The only problem was that we didn't have a...well, a willing Saiyan bishie to clone. So, I gave up my dragonballs, and GB wished that she and Pesh and I had the knowledge and resources to clone the most drool-worthy Saiyan of all." She blinks again, doing that head-tilting thing. "And here you are!"

 

"Bardie!?"

 

She blinks--not rapidly this time, thank the gods--at the harsh tone and backs away a bit. But rather than recoil, as I half-expect, she props one fist on her hip and extends a finger, shaking it at me as she scowls.

 

"Ungrateful old git! Here we cloned you from nothing, and you complain about your nickname? You don't see Pesh or GB complaining about their nicknames, do you?"

 

Bewildered, I look to the other females for help. No, they don't appear to be complaining. The first one, GB, lets out a little laugh before putting a hand over her mouth and trying to look innocent. The younger one smiles broadly and winks. What the--?

 

"I don't think you females understand. I know what clones are, and I'm definitely not one. I don't know what you did, but it certainly wasn't cloning."

 

The one called Pesh tilts her head, frowning a bit between her eyebrows. "He's certainly very advanced. I had no idea the wish would turn out this well. Even knowing what to do, I gotta say, ladies...I kinda thought we'd screw up."

 

"What the fuck are you talking about? What does wishing have to do with anything?"

 

As the first...as GB raises an eyebrow and pointedly looks down at my hand, I cut off the next question and follow her gaze. Oops. I gripped the table too hard. Who knew the metal was so flimsy? Extracting my fingers from the new dents they'd made, I sigh and clasp my hands together. I may well want to destroy everything in sight later, but mayhem can wait until I know exactly what level of Hell I've descended to.

 

"Look," I begin in a much more rational tone. "I don't know what you did. I don't know where I am. I don't know what the hell is going on. If one of you three--preferably not that one," I grumble, pointing at the again-blinking crazy one, "could explain at least two of those three issues, I promise not to blow up this entire...plane of existence!"

 

"Barb told you earlier, Bardock. Between her idea and having the dragonballs, my drive and ideas for...um...improvements, and GB's careful wording and diplomacy with the Dragon--he's really touchy, and I think we'd have really screwed ourselves, otherwise--we wished for the ability to start a Saiyan cloning facility. We're thinking of starting a business, but we...well.... We have a few bugs to work out, so we started with just making you."

 

"My idea!" the crazy one pipes in, blinking fast enough that I swear I feel the breeze from several feet away.

 

Frowning, I try to keep my temper in check. I've long-since stopped thinking the universe made sense, of course. My own time in Hell proved the insanity of "the powers that be" a long time ago. But this?

 

"I'll say this one more time. I am not a clone. I am a Saiyan warrior who's spent the last gods-only-know how long in Hell. If you've brought me back to life, that's one thing. But I am not a clone!"

 

Oops. I didn't mean to shout. I really didn't mean to jump up and thump my fist through the table and break off a good chunk of it. Surprisingly enough, though, none of the females cringes or flinches or cries. Thank the gods for small favors.

 

But the crazy one's doing that thing with her eyes again. Strange, that one.

 

GB, though, actually looks serious. Her expression, while still very pleasant and un-Saiyan, is a bit troubled. She bites her lip, then shoots Pesh an unreadable look. Pesh frowns a bit, then nods once and leaves the room.

 

"What was that?"

 

A smile. "She's going to call in an expert. If we've really brought you back from the dead instead of cloning you, well...." She shrugs, her smile turning crooked. "That's a whole different can of worms. It might put a kink into later plans for other Saiyan clones. Plus, I don't think it's particularly ethical, if you catch my drift."

 

"Do what?"

 

"Oh, ignore her." The crazy one jumps up and takes me by the arm, standing entirely too close. "She's much better at wiring explosives than dealing with scientific ethics."

 

I blink. That doesn't seem to stop her.

 

"Now, Bardie, if you'll just come right this way." She tugs at me, so I shrug and follow, not really sure what's expected of me at this point. "I need to do a little quality control. After all, we can't market a product if we don't know how it works."

 

"Barb?"

 

She stops abruptly, wrinkles her nose, then sighs. "Yes, GB?"

 

"Ethics?"

 

What the hell?

 

"Oh, bollocks." With a grunt, she lets me go and crosses her arms, turning back to the table I destroyed and glaring at GB. "Fine. I'll wait for Pesh to come back with help."

 

Grumbling under her breath, she stomps back to the demolished table and sits down, idly picking at the little remaining food. GB grins, again hiding it behind her hand as she turns and tips me a wink.

 

"Don't mind Barb. She's had a crush on you forever."

 

I really can't be blamed for this. Surely, nothing I ever did under Frieza's thumb was bad enough to warrant this kind of Hell. None of these females makes any sense at all.

 

And just what the hell is a crush??

 

* * *

 

"This is your expert?"

 

My brat blinks, then grins, putting a hand to the back of his head. My brat, all grown up and looking just like me, but for the scars and the scowl. Holy gods, what a cluster fuck.

 

"So this is my dad's clone, huh? Wow! You guys did a great job! He talks and everything!"

 

Someone please tell me my son's not really this much of an idiot.

 

"Actually, Kakarot, that's kind of what you're here for."

 

Wait a minute. GB--whom I'd previously considered sane--is doing that eye thing...up at Kakarot. She's also hanging onto his arm, much as the crazy one, Barb, hung on mine earlier. That means....

 

"Woman, do you have a...a crush...on Kakarot?"

Her face instantly becomes a miserable shade of red that can't be normal, and she jerks away from Kakarot as if he's burned her.

 

My brat puts his hand to the back of his head and blushes a bit. "Aw, GB, do you really?"

 

The crazy one laughs and chimes in. "Why do you think she wanted to clone you, Son?"

 

The tiny hint of amused grin that I can't help suddenly falls into a scowl. Did that Barb woman just call my son...her son?

 

"Ack!" The first one claps her hands to her burning cheeks. "Guys! Let's stick to the point!"

 

"But...GB, how can you have a crush on me? You know I'm with Vegeta now."

 

What the fuck??

 

Pesh, who'd been quiet since she showed up with my brat, suddenly sighs. "I sure know. That's who I was gonna clone."

 

"Everybody shut up!"

 

For a wonder, everyone does. Taking a deep, calming breath, I continue.

 

"Since none of you people can possibly be sane, I'm about two steps away from blasting the lot of you to Hell. Unfortunately, that would probably only put you there with me, so please, before I damn us all to an eternity of keeping each other company, someone tell me what the hell is going on here?"

 

I'm really getting tired of demanding the same answers and getting none. As is becoming my habit, I look to GB to explain, but this time, Pesh chimes in as the voice of reason. Apparently, GB is too busy hiding her eyes and not looking at my still-blushing brat.

 

"I brought Son Goku here to see if you're a clone or really yourself, Bardock. If you're really yourself, we probably can't clone other Saiyan bishies. I mean, there are only so many, right?"

 

"Who the hell is Son Go--?"

 

I cut myself off and blink. Did she just gesture at Kakarot? Son Goku? At least that's one less thing. For a moment there, I'd really worried about that crazy woman having some maternal relationship with my son.

 

"Why do you have two names, brat?"

 

He shrugs. "I was renamed when I came here. Only Vegeta and GB here call me Kakarot."

 

I blink again, slowly. "Vegeta? King Vegeta? He's...he's here?"

 

Pesh sighs and clasps her hands together, doing that annoying eye thing. Oh, gods, don't tell me....

 

"That's Prince Vegeta...and he's very much here." She abruptly frowns and straightens. "Unfortunately, he's only interested in Goku. Dammit."

 

"Wait, wait." I put up my hands and pray for patience and strength. "My brat, my low-level son, is...with...the Prince?"

 

GB and Pesh both sigh this time, nodding almost in sync.

 

"Good gods. I suppose...I should be proud, boy...but...."

 

Barb--and how the hell, besides from being crazy, did she get named after something sharp and irritating?--comes over and attaches herself to my arm. "That's not all you should be proud of, Bardie-kins. Son is a Super Saiyan, too. Actually, I think GB planned on cloning that fourth level for her personal Kakarot."

 

She fails to wither and die at my glare, and as I shoot death at her with my eyes for the expanded and ridiculous nickname, that last bit sinks in. Super...Saiyan? My brat, my Kakarot...is a Super Saiyan? And there are...levels?

 

Choking, GB wrinkles her nose and squints one eye shut. "Can we please leave me out of this? I mean, you can hardly talk, Barb. You're glomping the object of your affection even as we speak."

 

"I think we've all ventured far from the point, ladies." Pesh shakes her head and crosses her arms. "Though it's a sad day when I'm forced to play the voice of reason."

 

"Oh, yeah!" GB perks back up, most of her blush fading. "So, Kakarot, what do you think? Is this a clone, or did we...somehow...accidentally, of course...revive your father?"

 

Kakarot's grinning face abruptly becomes serious, and I resist the urge to back a step. The change from smiling idiot to Saiyan warrior is so sudden I almost feel sick at my stomach. Perhaps there's more to my brat than I'd initially thought. Perhaps...perhaps he is worthy of being with the Prince of our people.

 

Imagine...Prince Vegeta...here, of all places. Am I really alive again?

 

Then, just like that, the idiot face is back as Kakarot breaks into a slightly bewildered grin. "I dunno, girls. He feels like my father, but wouldn't any clone feel like him?"

 

The three females deflate, and I bark a short laugh that earns me two dirty looks and a frustrated huff.

 

"I didn't think of that," Pesh admits, giving up on her dirty look to mimic GB's frustration. "How the hell are we supposed to find out? The dragonballs aren't active for another year, and I don't want to wait that long for my Vegeta clone!"

 

"Wait." GB again perks up. "Kakarot, you have a direct line to the kais, ne? Can't you just ask King Kai or someone what happened?"

 

The idiot grin takes over my brat's face. "Great idea, GB!"

 

While the poor woman's face flushes to new heights of red, Kakarot frowns and closes his eyes, crossing his arms and bracing his feet apart. Pesh watches him with detached interest--though I have no doubt she'd color up if the Prince walked in right now. The crazy woman still clinging to my arm cuddles closer, if possible, until she practically sits in my lap.

 

"What the hell is wrong with you, woman? You're...crowding me!"

 

I've seen hardened recruits run from that particular tone of voice, but the woman merely turns that ridiculous look up at me and sighs, bettering her grip.

 

"That's the old git I've dreamed of! Oh, I can't wait...."

 

Scowling, I attempt to pull away, but apparently the crazy female's strength is much higher than I initially planned for. I don't budge her an inch.

 

"Wait for what?"

 

Pesh turns away from Kakarot, just long enough to wink and grin. "She wants to diddle you."

 

That doesn't sound good. "What the fuck?"

 

"Ooohhh...that, too!"

 

"Oh, for the gods' sake! Will you people make sense? Are we speaking different languages here?"

 

"I got it!"

 

We all stop and stare at Kakarot. Oh. The idiot look is back.

 

"King Kai says it's really Bardock. You're really my dad!"

 

Before I can do more than widen my eyes in...all right, in a bit of fear, he runs forward, shoves the crazy woman aside, and...and hugs me.

 

"Kakarot, what the fuck--!?"

 

"Dad! This is so great! I've never had a dad before, at least not since Grandpa Gohan...."

 

Squirming, I try to extract myself from his grip, but he simply won't let go. This is worse than that Barb woman! She's clingy, but Kakarot...well, he's strong!

 

"Let me go this instant!"

 

"Kakarot, please. You're embarrassing him."

 

GB's calm, somewhat laughing voice cuts through the torture, and Kakarot finally lets go, blushing slightly and suspiciously bright-eyed. Good gods, is my brat about to cry?

 

"So, what went wrong?" Pesh frowns and crosses her arms. " How did we make the real Bardock when we asked for a clone?"

 

"Who cares? It's really Bardock!"

 

The crazy woman attaches herself to me again, and I simply roll my eyes. I doubt an act of the gods would remove her at this point. Barb is, apparently, here to stay until I figure out what the hell is going on.

 

"Oh, sorry." My brat scratches the back of his head and grins sheepishly. Good gods. "King Kai says you asked for the ability to clone Bardock, which was the right thing to do, but you couldn't clone him without the original. Luckily, Enma kept Dad's body, since he gave it up in an attempt to salvage his race, so it was pretty easy for the Dragon to bring him back. The one-year rule didn't apply because you didn't ask for him to be revived; you asked for the ability to clone him."

 

Sighing heavily and doing that thing with her eyes, Barb grabs on tighter. "Oh, GB! Bless you and your tactful wording! It worked!"

 

But GB looks anything but pleased. In fact, she looks downright worried, so I forget to tell the crazy woman to shut up.

 

"But...what if that means that he goes back to Hell when that purpose is done? I mean, what if he's just here until the strictures of the wish are fulfilled?"

 

The sudden pressure around my rib cage makes it hard to breathe. Rather than trying to squirm away from the suddenly wailing Barb, I blink at GB. That was pretty quick thinking, though I'm not sure I like the rationale.

 

But Kakarot grins and shrugs. "Easy enough. Just don't clone him. They can't take him back if he doesn't live up to the wish, right?"

 

"But...hey!" Pesh frowns, crossing her arms. "If we don't clone him, how are we supposed to clone Saiyan bishies? They aren't exactly growing on trees, you know. And somehow, I don't think Enma preserved any other Saiyan bodies on a whim."

 

GB's frown deepens. "Very true, Pesh. Our whole wish depended on being able to clone Bardock. We definitely don't want to lose him now, but...but I want a Saiyan clone!"

 

I start to comment that I'm sitting right here and can hear everything they're saying, dammit, but Kakarot speaks up before I can do more than open my mouth.

 

"Ladies, please! I'll...I'll let you clone me and see about talking Vegeta into it. All right? Just...just don't put my dad at risk, okay?"

 

My mouth feels...kinda strange. It's like it wants to smirk, but it doesn't want to look hateful. Aw, dammit. I think I'm...smiling. Do I look as stupid as my brat does?

 

The women--and I'm now assured that they're all at least as insane as the one currently trying to climb into my lap--let out a cheer. Ridiculous. I don't know why I feel this idiot grin stretching my face. I can't possibly want to stay here. These people are all insane. I really don't know why I'm...smiling.

 

Could be inarguable proof that, despite all appearances, my brat is not an idiot. Could be that I don't want to go back to Hell.

 

Yeah, that's it. I can live with that.

 

* * *

 

"Is this absolutely necessary?"

 

Not varying her grin in the slightest, the crazy woman lies right through her teeth. "Of course. I'm the quality control supervisor, you know. I have to make sure everything works."

 

"Woman, you have the word of the gods that I'm not a clone."

 

Tugging off my shirt, she continues to grin, her eyes dancing. It's...actually kind of...cute. Not that I care.

 

"Ah, but your body's been rotting under Enma's desk for decades now, Bardie-kins. We must make sure everything's back where it's supposed to be. You wouldn't want to find out something doesn't do what it's supposed to, now would you?"

 

Eager little female that she is, she strips me bare before I can even think of a proper protest, then shoves me until I sit on the edge of the exam table. I study her, weighing my options. She's not a Saiyan, but according to my brat, there aren't any more Saiyans, anyway.

 

She's nice enough, if a little insane. She's obviously too crazy to be properly afraid of anything. And it's been a damn long time. And I'm pretty sure she's not wearing anything under that lab coat....

 

I shrug. She'll do.

 

"All right, Bardie--er...Bardock. Let's check you out, shall we?"

 

She lays her cheek against my chest, her hands resting on my sides, then wrapping around to stroke up my back, then simply holding me still. Raising an eyebrow, I look down at the top of her head, feeling the heat of her blush against my skin. Moments pass, and she doesn't move.

 

"For the gods' sake, woman!"

 

"Oh! Sorry. I...err...lost count. Your heart rate is...is fine. Moving on."

 

Rolling my eyes, I wonder how long it'll take her to get to the point. Does she really think I'm this stupid?

 

She strokes her fingers over my chest and down my arms, that ridiculous look on her face as she studies each scar she comes across. She seems especially fascinated with my stomach, tracing along each ridge untils she's actually gone over the entire area twice. I half want to laugh, but I'm not unaffected by such careful attention. It's actually kind of...nice.

 

Not that I care.

 

"Good musculature," she murmurs, her cheeks red. "So many scars, but everything seems to have healed nicely." All but licking her lips, she stands back a bit and looks me up and down. "Verrrry nicely."

 

Two can play this game. "So I can go?"

 

"No!"

 

Hiding a smirk, I peel her off my chest. I'm again reminded of her odd ability to cling so well when she's such a puny thing. It's...funny. Though I'm so much stronger than her that I could probably break her with one hand, it takes me several minutes to untangle her limbs.

 

Once detached from me, she seems to gather herself. "I mean...errr...I'm not done with my...exam yet. Yeah. Moving on."

 

Now we're getting somewhere. Her eyes move...lower...and I smirk as that part of my anatomy takes immediate notice of her notice. She blushes deeper, but doesn't hesitate to reach out and touch what fascinates her.

 

"Hey!" I protest, though said protest is a bit...weak. "I don't think that's part of the exam!"

 

"Ooohhh...of course it is...."

 

Trying not to gasp, I growl and shift, trying to look uncomfortable while actually giving her more room to work. "Then...why are your eyes closed?"

 

"They are?" Her eyes pop open, her blush reaching critical levels. "So they were! Errr...thank you for pointing that out. I...errr...was thinking of something else. Moving on."

 

My hands grab her wrists before she can even think to move them. "You'd damn well better not move on, woman. And you'd certainly better not be thinking of anything else."

 

Eyes widening, she clenches her hands a bit in surprise and my eyes nearly roll back into my head. That's the good stuff...right there....

 

"I...oh, um...you...you knew??"

 

Nearly purring as she relaxes her grip a bit without actually letting go, I smirk and meet her gaze, smirking wider at the mortified expression there.

 

"Barb, I wrote the book on mating."

 

I don't know how she hasn't passed out yet with all that blood in her face.

 

"You...you did?"

 

"It consists of two sentences. Fuck 'em when they want it. Try not to kill them."

 

Her eyes widen enough that they should surely fall out of their sockets, and then she's nearly strangling me. But that's okay, because she's also kissing me, and I'm pretty sure she's not performing that CPR crap GB talked about earlier.

 

Waaay too much tongue for that.

 

Not that I care.

 

Wait...that didn't come out right. Not that I mind.

 

Yeah. That's more like it.

 

THE END