Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Being of Sound Mind and Body ❯ Stress ( Chapter 9 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z.

Author's Notes: Alright, this chapter is rather serious. It may even push the rating. I tried to do a few different styles of writing. Let me know how I did, please.

Chapter 9: Stress

Now, where did I leave off last? I probably have to ask that question too much. It's because I wait so long in between writing sessions. It takes me so long to work up the nerve to delve in my memory again. I've never been the type to dwell on the past. No one ever got stronger by dwelling on the past. In fact, it weakens you. Makes you regret things. You can't control the past, but it can control you. For people remember the past through emotion, and most emotions make you vulnerable. They can get you killed. They can make you do rash, stupid things that you'll regret for the remainder of your life. Emotions change things, mostly for the worse.

Anyway. I can't keep waiting so long between writing sessions. We're getting closer to Earth. My time is drawing nearer, and I want to get this done before I die. It would be a real shame if I didn't even finish this account. Of course, now that I think about it, I'm not sure where I'm going to leave it. Can't take it with me. Can't leave it on the pod, since it'll probably get destroyed when Vegeta destroys the planet. In fact, I can't leave it anywhere. I really am a fool to write this. The record of my life will only get destroyed with my actual life.

But I'll keep writing it anyway. I'm beginning to realize the true purpose of the sarka. It's not to leave a record for posterity. Those sarkas were rarely read by anyone not in the elite school. No, most Saiyans couldn't care less about their ancestors. This tradition isn't about instructing and edifying my long-dead posterity. It's about me. This is a mental journey, the closest thing a Saiyan has to a religion. It's a reviewing of life for a people who don't care about the past. It's a ritualized way to prepare for death. I don't understand how so many others didn't get it, but I get it now. And even though it will never be read by anyone else, I will write it. I need to write it. Though, if I do find a way to save my sarka from being destroyed, I won't hesitate to take it.

Well, enough of that. I suppose I need to get on with my life and not stall. I haven't really consciously thought about the story I will tell you in a long time, so just bear with me. I believe I've already told you about the first two years enlisted in Frieza's army. Well, not much changed in the following years. We'd purge planets for a year, then go back and train for the tournament. I think I made it to the finals once more. I could have made it every time, or at least I'm pretty sure I could, but I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself. One of the most important lessons in the army is never set yourself up to be a target. I couldn't be the best anymore and expect nothing but good. So I laid low for a while, downplaying my own strength and talents. I know Xientlap knew what I was doing, and I'm pretty sure Zarbon knew. I've come to accept that Zarbon kept up with his warriors very closely. It's part of the paranoia. Zarbon not only got his high position from his royal blood and commander training, but his loyalty to Frieza. In a place where not even Frieza is immune to the fear, loyal soldiers are more valuable than strong warriors. Zarbon did not want to lose the status of being Frieza's most loyal follower, so he made sure all of his soldiers were at least superficially loyal. Of course, that meant that we were kept busy and got no privacy. And it was foolish. Only a fool believes that constant surveillance is the key to suppressing military insurrection. You're just asking for a mutiny if you do that. It causes too much stress, and soldiers need to be stress-free in order to carry out the non-thinking efficiency that is their jobs. Soldiers resent not being trusted, or not being given the smallest amount of privacy. The combination of fear, stress, and resentment is lethal.

Well, I certainly got of on a tangent. Back on topic, then. The remaining years of when I was in the elite squadron. I was in the squadron a total of ten years. I went on five purge tours and trained for five tournaments with my squadron. I kept my sanity by training and practically raising Prince Vegeta and Raditz. Mostly Prince Vegeta, though, I couldn't just let Frieza and Zarbon raise the boy. They may have been able to teach him to fight better than I ever could, and, if they were so inclined, they could have taught him to be a prince, but they couldn't teach him Saiyan pride. And they definitely couldn't teach him to avenge this people and his father. It was up to me to teach him all that, and I wasn't about to let Frieza mold the prince into an image of himself. I figure that Frieza had high hopes for Vegeta - a commander, maybe even an heir. I had to stop that from happening. I couldn't bear to see Vegeta take that much joy from killing-to say those horrible things. Alright, I know I'm the last person to talk against killing people, but I find no joy in it. It's not how I get my kicks. And I didn't want Vegeta becoming like that. I tried. I tried so hard. I was constantly with him. He may not have always followed my instructions, but he listened. I told him of the glory of our people and his duty as a prince. I told him of the greatness of his father and his mother. I related the exploits of his ancestors. And I told him of Super Saiyan.

Yes, Super Saiyan. I still believe it is a myth, but I used it to give Prince Vegeta a hope and a goal. Even if he can't transform, he can still get ridiculously strong. And he would keep on getting stronger. Although, maybe I wouldn't have used the Super Saiyan goal so liberally if I'd have known the effect it had on Vegeta. For Vegeta believed it. I guess he needed something to believe. He even believed the ridiculous tale of the legendary Super Saiyan. Actually, this was mostly Raditz's fault. You see, the Legendary Super Saiyan is more of a boogey-man type tale. "Don't skip training or the Legendary Super Saiyan will get you." I didn't want to tell Prince Vegeta, since he believed so much in his own ability to go Super Saiyan. But when Vegeta was eight, Raditz was thirteen - a teenager. Raditz was going through a sort of rebellious phase, and he got tired of my teaching Vegeta to give him orders. So, one night, without my knowledge, Raditz told him the tale of the Legendary Super Saiyan, and embellishing it with a few too many details. The Legendary Super Saiyan was supposed to be invincible and kill all the Saiyans. He was supposed to be incredibly strong and quite mad. But the thing that topped it off was the prophesy. It told of the last prince facing the Legendary Super Saiyan, and the last prince would be no match for him. I told you Raditz was an idiot. I beat that boy within an inch of his life when I found out. For it scared Prince Vegeta to death. That prophesy may have been far removed from any recent time before, but Vegeta WAS the last prince. He already had his life threatened daily. He didn't need more to worry about. That silly fear continued through the prince's childhood. I'm not sure if he's forgotten it or not now. It has been a long time since he's mentioned it. I guess it was a childhood fear. Well, he may have forgotten about becoming Super Saiyan. I swear, he must have mentioned it five times a day. I never would have pegged Vegeta for being that superstitious, but he was.

I may not have participated in the tournaments, but Vegeta never missed one. Neither did Raditz, although he didn't win any more in the non-elite. He would get to the final match, but not win. I think it was just rotten luck each time. Actually, Vegeta would do the same thing. He would get the final match, but wouldn't win. It really frustrated Vegeta. He wanted to prove himself the best, but couldn't seem to break out of the second place, no matter how much he tried. He no longer had to fight Zarbon or anything, but it was always someone. When he was eight Kewie beat him out. When he was ten one of the Ginyu beat him. And at twelve a warrior, whose name I can't remember, defeated Vegeta. I do remember the champion was found to be a traitor and executed. However, the title didn't pass to Vegeta. He would have to earn it the next tournament.

The tension in our squadron that next tournament year was near the breaking point. We'd been together far longer than most elite squadrons. We were rather famous for our efficiency and our growing collective strength. But the pressure was on to keep that reputation. Zarbon had spent too much time training us as a group to have the squadron split. He watched us more closely, kept us busy, worried over every little word we said. It was enough to drive even Xientlap to swearing. In fact, once he and Kriei got into a real knock-down drag-out. I'd never seen Xientlap snap like that. We'd just been training, having a mock battle with another of Zarbon's elite squadrons, and Kriei let Xientlap get hit when he was supposed to be covering him. I don't know if it was accidental or intentional, but it sure set Xientlap off. You should've seen it. Kriei could only lie on the floor and get the daylights pummeled out of him, while Xientlap was screaming and cursing. It took me and both sergeants to separate them. Kriei was sent to the rejuvenation tank and Xientlap was put in a cell for a couple of nights to cool down. I'll never forget seeing Xientlap-calm, wise, disciplined holy man that he was - lose control to fury like that. It seemed a step away from madness. I questioned him afterwards, and he just shrugged it off as stress and changed the subject.

Stress. That was the main thing. We were all stressed out about something, mostly life in general. The squadron couldn't work together as well. Oh, sure, we went through the motions. But we could no longer act as a single entity. It was a vicious cycle. The more stress we felt, the more we became disunited, the more Zarbon and the sergeant worried, the more they pressured us, the more stress we felt… and so on and so forth. There were added pressures, too. Zarbon was called into question about the lower efficiency rating. The sergeant was pressured to keep control of his squadron. Vegeta was worried about finally getting a victory in the next tournament. I was worried about Vegeta, and now Xientlap, who looked like he'd snap at any time. Kriei was realizing how much everyone hated him and how much stronger those people were. I really don't know what was bugging Xientlap, other than just living too long under Frieza's rule. I've heard that the years can really take its toll on some people. Tolin was only making things worse, for himself and for everyone else. He was trying to calm everyone down, and he just ended up downright annoying. People let him know, including me. We were also still suspicious of him-we thought that he might be how Zarbon or even Frieza was keeping such close surveillance on us. And who am I forgetting? Oh, yeah. Insics. Computer man. Come to find out, his kind only lived for 25 or 27 years. H would die naturally within the next few years. It was strange. He was still as youthful and as powerful as when I first met him, but he assured us that his "components were degrading." Whatever that means. I think the entire situation was degrading to everyone, but that's just me.

Needless to say, since I've already said it repeatedly, things were at a breaking point. I was NOT looking forward to the next purge mission. Cooped up together in that little ship, all the while at each other's throats. We'd barely survived the last purge tour. We still played cards, but it was in a tense atmosphere. It wasn't fun anymore. We did it mostly out of habit. Even the non-elites couldn't break up the mood. And while we had more freedom on our off year, things were still getting worse.

I didn't think the tournament could have come soon enough, but finally it did. Raditz was in the non-elite tournament-he really should have been an elite-and again pulled second place. And that's only because his opponent had put sleeping powder in his food before the match. Of course, when Raditz found out, he went and half-killed the non-elite champion, but the deed was done. All Raditz did was get his vengeance and not the title. Though I think that's more important. Anyway. Raditz was back from pummeling the cheater in time to see the beginning of the elite tournament. Only Vegeta from our squadron got into the tournament. Vegeta was the only one who even bothered. Things were so bad with the rest of us that we didn't even care anymore. It was like all of us finally saw the ridiculous futility of all these events that we used to hold as important. We were all just sick of that life. Vegeta was young enough to be able to go with it, but we were all old and tired and sick of it all.

Xientlap and I watch the tournament intently, trying to get our spirits up. We knew we were depressed, and we knew depression was dangerous. I could tell Xientlap wanted to tell me something, but something stopped him every time. And both of us must have forgotten about it at the end of the tournament. `Cause you know what? Vegeta won.

Yes, the Prince of all Saiyan finally won the tournament. It happened in the early afternoon, so we celebrated all day. For once we were happy. You should have seen the prince. Not even his obligatory conversation with Frieza could faze him. That night was the first time I let him drink alcohol. I felt he deserved it-something to tell him he wasn't a child anymore. Of course, I didn't let him get drunk. Why let him get a hangover on such a great night? He was in too good a mood to argue with me. Most of Zarbon's soldiers that were planet-side joined in. Such large parties are usually discouraged, but I think Frieza was too amused with Vegeta and the rest of us to step it. All the tension and stress of the past year was forgotten, and our squadron was together right in the middle of it, even Kriei and Insics. I swear I saw Insics smile. Maybe old age was getting to him.

It was late at night when the party finally broke up. Vegeta and I went to a training room to get in a celebratory spar. Raditz found us and joined in, and we laughed and reminisced about Planet Vegeta. Every thing was golden-tinged that night. All the remembered pain was overshadowed by the good times. We talked and sparred until Prince Vegeta was practically asleep on his feet. When Raditz got in a good hit on Vegeta, that's when I knew that it was time for sleep. There was no training the next day, so we planned to sleep as late as we wanted. When we reached the rooms, and Vegeta and Raditz stumbled to bed, I realized I'd forgotten something. Xientlap had told me to meet him in his room and that he had something to tell me. I cursed myself and hoped he understood my lateness. I considered waiting until the next day, but I decided to go see if he was asleep. Well, something just told me to check up on him. When I got there and rang the com, there was no answer. I was about to turn away when I saw something that shook me. It was blood. On the door.

That wouldn't usually have worried me. I've lost count of the times I've returned to my room bloodied from training. But there had been no training that day. Xientlap must have gotten in a pretty serious fight, and maybe he was being too stubborn to go to the medic. That must have been it. I opened the door to lecture him on not taking care of himself. Xientlap was there, already in bed. He was a little bloody. Must have gotten in a fight. I decided to shake him awake and drag him off to the medic because his chest looked sort of funny and he must have broken some ribs and he was bleeding from the chest a little in fact a lot but I would still wake him up and didn't need to be sleeping in that condition he needed a medic so I needed to scold him and I would take him to the medic and he would complain about how I never just leave him along and make fun of me saying I was like an old mother sometimes and we would laugh and talk about Vegeta's victory and how all this bickering within the group was just ridiculous and he would tell me what he'd been meaning to tell me. I almost touched him but the hole in his chest was a little bigger than I thought and the room was starting to smell funny and sort of familiar and if Xientlap was asleep then why were his eyes open and staring at me was he actually awake since when was his room so red but all that could be explained oh gods it was blood there was blood all over but he could still be gotten to a medic. I took a step forward and my foot slid on something. I looked down and it was a heart. Xientlap's heart. I screamed.

Xientlap lay there. The hole I had noticed in his chest was actually the fact that the chest had been opened up and his organs had been torn out and strewn about the room. Xientlap's face was that of utter calm, and his eyes stared at me like so many of the lifeless victims I had slaughtered. That calm slowly transmitted from him to me, because I stopped screaming and started to think. A murderer was on the loose. Who was the one renowned for removing the organs of his murder victims? Kriei. Kriei was out for blood and vengeance. He'd be out for the rest of the squadron. Who did Kriei hate after Xientlap? Tolin. I ran to Tolin's room, and the same sight greeted me, only now a smile had been carved on Tolin's face and the eyes were showing pure horror. I lost no time in mourning. Insics's room was close by. I had to catch him. I raced over there only to find a slightly confused Insics. I'd never gone to his room at night. I didn't bother explaining the situation, but he saw the wild fury in my eyes and followed me anyway. I went where I should have gone in the first place instead of Tolin's. Vegeta's room.

I burst in just in time. Kriei had used special drugs, probably in the alcohol that night, to incapacitate Vegeta, so Vegeta was laying there helplessly as Kriei started to cut into him. I stopped him just in time. The ensuing battle was a short one. Insics got Vegeta to the medic while I fought Kriei. I could tell from his coloring that he was angry and scared. He must have drugged us all. It didn't work on Insics because his machine-like body had dealt with the poison more efficiently than most bodies. I found out later that it didn't affect me because it was one of the few drugs I was immune to. I didn't care at the time. All I cared about was that the creature before me-the creature I'd been forced to trust and work with on so many missions-had killed my greatest friend and had tried to kill my Prince. I don't know which was worse. I lost myself in that fight. It attracted everyone's attention, including the sergeant's and Zarbon's. But it was too late for intervention on Kriei's behalf. Before anyone could stop me, I twisted his head right off.

I remember being extremely dizzy after that. I dropped to one knee, still holding the murderer's head. I must have looked like some sort of macabre ball player. But when Zarbon demanded an explanation, I dropped the head, saw it roll a couple of paces, and stood as close to attention as I could. So many people were around and I couldn't even hear them. I couldn't feel anything at the time-only exhaustion. Reality was suspended in my mind. I remember thinking, `There. I hope Xientlap's happy now.'

That's about where Frieza came in. He was not happy, and thought this may have been some revelries taken too far, since he saw my squadron in the middle of it. The crowd dispelled somewhat, knowing it was disrespectful to crowd around Frieza. I think mostly Zarbon's soldiers remained. This time, when Frieza demanded an explanation, I suppressed my dizziness and found my tongue. Xientlap was dead. Tolin was dead. Vegeta had almost been killed. And I had just killed the murderer.

Frieza just stared at me. For once his stare didn't intimidate me. I was in too much shock to care. He ordered some soldiers to check Xientlap and Tolin's rooms. Then he ordered what was left of our squadron to report to his throne room. We left the corpse behind. Insanely, I thought about bringing along Kriei's body and head. But that would have just invited Frieza to demand that the corpses and organs of Xientlap and Tolin also be brought along, so I refrained from that crazy train of thought. Frieza led the way, with Zarbon slightly behind him, and I followed the sergeant, taking the rear. I couldn't even think. It was all so unreal. When we arrived at the throne room, I just stood there in utter calm and weariness. I had an idea that I might be dying that night. Honestly, I didn't care.

Insics reported after a few minutes, saying that Vegeta was being treated for poison and minor wounds and that it would take a few hours before he could leave the medics. Then Insics joined me. It occurred to me to wonder why we were still waiting. This was all that was left. But my question was soon answered. The soldiers returned with reports on the deaths of Xientlap and Tolin. I remember being slightly annoyed that Frieza hadn't taken my words for truth. Then I prepared myself as the soldiers left. I figured I was going to die, and my suspicions were confirmed when Frieza raised one hand slowly, light and energy forming into a ball at the tip of one finger. He let loose the energy, I steeled myself, but nothing came. Instead, I looked to the side to see a smoking husk where once stood my sergeant. I couldn't even feel his loss. "That," Frieza said, "was for losing control of your squadron."

Frieza's voice and face are still burned into my memory, like the rest of this night. He faced Zarbon, and said, "Well. I guess this squadron is effectively disbanded, wouldn't you agree, Zarbon?" Zarbon only looked down in shame. We had been the strongest card in his hand, but he'd held us too long, and we'd nearly destroyed his entire game.

"It's just as well," Frieza continued. "There were due for it anyway. Zarbon, I'm taking control over them from you. You may go."

Zarbon left quickly, probably to put together a squadron he could take on the next purge tour. I really didn't care. I was more worried about myself. I was no longer under Zarbon. What next? I stood beside Insics, waiting. Frieza dealt with Insics first. He was perfectly aware that Insics had not long to live, and decided to set him to working on computers for the remainder of his life. A very generous retirement, since most soldiers fight until their dying day. After his new assignment, Insics left the room. I never saw him again.

I was alone with Frieza. Frieza had this sort of mocking quality to his voice that never goes away unless he's angry. He wasn't angry. "My, my," he said slowly, "we've had a busy night, haven't we, Nappa?"

I could only bow stiffly. All I could think of was that I wouldn't be dying that night. Or that day. The sun was starting to come up.

"Well," he continued. "You've had enough revenge for your friends' death?" I nodded. "I thought so. I've been watching you, Nappa. I've been watching you and your prince for a long time. I thought you both were wasting you talents and intelligence in that squadron."

So I found out that Frieza knew all I'd been hiding. Of course he knew. He knew me back when I was a general and held no such façade. Was my façade rubbing off on me so that I couldn't realize that? I would have to be careful.

"How would you like to have a small command? Just one person, non-elite, maybe that Saiyan Raditz. I can easily revoke Zarbon's command over him. Yes, you two would make a good team. You'll be given mission worthy of your talents. Maybe one day you can make it up to sergeant. I trust you'll be a better sergeant than that one," he indicated the still-smoking remains beside me. I couldn't say a thing. It was settled, and it wasn't so bad. I'd still have to go on missions, but at least I wouldn't have to put up with anyone else. Just Raditz and…

I stopped thinking there. I knew I was taking a risk, but I bowed low and asked anyway. "Lord Frieza, permission to ask a question." Frieza just laughed and gave me permission. To which I responded, "What of Prince Vegeta?" Frieza laughed again. "How did I know that was coming? What of Prince Vegeta. As you have probably noticed, I've had my eye out on the boy for a long time. You've done well in training him, as has Zarbon, but I think I should take over his training. He needs guidance that only I can give him. Don't you worry; he'll be just fine with me. You'll be alerted on the details of your new command later on today. Now leave."

I bowed to Frieza one last time and left the throne room. I was still walking in a trance. He'd done it. He'd found a way to separate me and Vegeta. I don't know why I thought I could have prevented it. Controlling us was so simple for Frieza. I couldn't do a thing. He had Vegeta, and I couldn't do a thing. I walked through the corridors to my room, passing the medic to make sure Vegeta was all right. He was, but had to take three more hours to counteract the poison. I ignored all questions from curious soldiers. None of them mattered anyway. I just walked to my room and locked the door. I double-checked to make sure my room was still debugged, and then I broke down.

That's probably the only time since infancy I've cried. I didn't think I was capable of it. But when I walked in my room, the room that was identical to all the rooms I'd seen that night, the room painted with Xientlap's blood. It all sank in. He was gone. Xientlap was dead and gone and I'd never see him again. The only person I'd ever fully trusted and he was gone. Even Kriei's death at my hands felt so empty. It couldn't bring Xientlap back. Nothing could. I even mourned for Tolin and the sergeant. I'd spent ten years of my life with these people only to have them torn away so violently. Why didn't I meet Xientlap that night earlier? That could have stopped the whole thing. Why hadn't I killed Kriei earlier? What had Xientlap wanted to tell me? All these regrets and self-condemnations raced through my head as I lay in bed, not even bothering to change out of my bloody uniform.

When I wasn't thinking about Xientlap, I was thinking about Prince Vegeta. Who knows when I would see him after I left with Raditz? He was out of my reach. I couldn't protect him anymore. What if he ended up just like Frieza? What if he became a monster, a thing of evil, who only recognized strength and not things like loyalty and heritage? What if he became loyal to Frieza, like the other commanders? What if I came back and I couldn't even recognize my prince?

By late afternoon I had slept a couple of hours. I had composed myself. I had showered and changed clothes. I didn't even have bags under my eyes. In fact, you couldn't have told by looking at me that I'd gone through on of the most traumatizing experiences of my life. I couldn't show it. I had to go on. When I saw Prince Vegeta, I gave a dry account of what had happened, since he'd been incapacitated since then. He took everything relatively well, and even congratulated me for killing Kriei, until I told of Frieza's orders. He was furious. He said that he couldn't be separated from his subjects - his fellow Saiyans. He didn't want tot be trained by Frieza. Of course, there was nothing he could do. We were trapped again. I appreciated his sentiments, though I wondered how long they'd last under Frieza's infamous training. I warned Prince Vegeta of a few of my fears, and how Frieza would try to change him. He just shrugged it off and said it would never happen. I just wished him the best and said that I would always be loyal to him no matter what happened.

Raditz and I left two days later in two space pods. We had the new scouters that had a communication link straight to Frieza's command central. We could stay out in space for multiple years this way. And that we did. For the next eight years we went on purge missions together. And this is where I end for now. I can't write anymore. Recalling the death of Xientlap has made me so tired. It's too painful. I will resume later.

Reviewer thanks: I know it was you, Bardockgurl, who reviewed me. I just haven't been able to access your review. I've tried every way of accessing it, but I haven't been able to reach it. Perhaps someday in the near future. Anyway, I'm sure you said the chapter sucked. I certainly hope I'll be able to read your review for this one.