Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Downward Spiral ❯ Chapter Four ( Chapter 4 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter Four

Goku shivered. It gave him the most eerie feeling; the way the wind lashed and rustled the trees, it just reminded him so much of a horror movie, even the lightning on the landscape seemed familiar. At least the long branches of the willow gave good shelter from the storm, but it was still dark, gloomy and cold beneath it. If it was up to him they wouldn't even be outside, it was Vegeta's idea to be here; he'd somehow gotten the idea that Chi would eavesdrop and he didn't trust her enough not to. They must have been here for an hour, sitting in silence, as neither of them knew what to say, it was starting to make Goku feel awkward.

The river raced by them, struck with thousands of raindrops, a loud distraction for Goku's aching mind. The rushing waters were almost relaxing and he certainly needed some calming . . .

He watched Vegeta curiously. He'd been sitting cross-legged staring into the clear water for quite a long time now, and he seemed so lost in thought with his emotions hidden behind a vacant expression. What was going on in his mind? Was he upset? Okay? Goku sighed and laid down on the moist grass next to him, he rested his head on his hand as he gazed up at his companion with a burning curiosity. He just wished he knew what was going on inside Vegeta's mind.

Vegeta was the first to break the silence. “Kakarott?”

“Yeah `Geta?”

“About what you told me in your house? You said that she-devil has been hurting you.”

“Yeah.” He mumbled; he wasn't quite sure how to reply.

“I don't understand though. You're far more powerful than she is! Why did you let her do it?”

He flinched. Somehow he knew that Vegeta would ask that question, and the answer was he didn't actually know, but Vegeta would never accept that . . . He gazed up into the branches. The swaying was almost hypnotic. He could almost count the seconds that went by as the pain slowly came back, before flooding his senses, his mind raced with the violent images as he choked back his torment.

As the emotions came his mind switched off, his pain escaped, it was if his body shut down, he couldn't feel anything - . . . it was a habit he'd gotten into long ago, when something painful happens shut down your mind . . . It was the only thing he could do when Chi's attacks came . . .

Vegeta watched him curiously. “Kakarott, I'm asking you a question, why did you let her harm you?”

“I don't know.”

“Well couldn't you have hit her back?”

“No! I - I couldn't attack back . . . ” He found himself shivering again from nervous fear. “I might have hurt her and that's wrong . . .”

“But it's not wrong for her to hurt you?”

“No - I know that's bad, but there's no way I could ever bring myself to do what she did. It hurt me so much when she'd just explode, how could I cause that sort of pain to anyone, even her? I mean, that'd just make me as bad as she is and besides, even if I wanted to she's not evil, she doesn't deserve it. She's just . . . confused.”

“Confused? She wasn't confused about anything! She knew what she was doing to you. Well at least this explains those unexplained bruises and injuries you had before our sparring matches, but I can sure as HFIL say that those weren't accidental. If you wouldn't attack her than why not defend yourself?”

“I don't know - I just didn't! `Geta please! I really don't know! It's complicated and I can't explain it, I just couldn't do anything back, I just let her. I'd just freeze and become really numb and when she'd start beating on me I'd switch off, my mind went totally dead till it was over! I was scared and I know I could have done something but I didn't!” Breathing deeply he paused. His body was shaking so much he could barely control himself; he covered his face with his hands before gasping a response. “After a while . . . I guess - I guess I got used to it, you know? I mean it - it started when I was wished back a few weeks after the Cell Games and it's been happening ever since. It's been so long I - it's - I don't know . . .”

“Shit! Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you leave her?”

“I guess I was scared if I told anyone she'd just do it more or kick me out, and I couldn't leave, what would I have done about Gohan and Goten?”

“I knew that bitch was damn psycho but I never thought -!”

“'Geta! She's not a psycho!”

“What? Now you defend her?”

“No. `Geta it's - it's just that - well she's really kind when she wants to be, I mean she's a great mother to Goten and Gohan! She'd never hurt them ever, and she'd never harm anyone else for that matter! She could be really nice to me as well at times . . . but - you know . . . sometimes she'd just . . . snap. I'd do something to make her angry and she'd - she'd just go crazy at me.”

A loud growl escaped Vegeta's lips. Why the HFIL was that baka defending that witch? She'd been abusing him for so long, the punches, kicks, strikes and what -? That didn't mean anything? It wasn't important? She was even divorcing him and kicking him out! After she'd caused him so much pain, he was defending her! Why? Vegeta's stomach twisted with sheer anger and rage, if he ever saw that woman he'd Kami damn rip her heart out! His blood felt like it was at boiling point . . . How could anyone betray and hurt someone they claimed to love so much? She had some bloody nerve!

He dared a glance at Goku. His eyes were welling up and his face had filled with a deep regret. Now he was upset over it all . . . Damn it! Why? Why should he even care about her!

He sighed. He'd just have to comfort Goku as best as he could, after all it's wasn't like Vegeta didn't understand, it'd happened to him as a chibi, and a lot more on top of it as a matter of fact - but he hated them for what they did to him! He'd never defend them! Never! And now, as an adult, he wouldn't for a second let it happen to him again. That's what he couldn't understand about Goku . . . Why?

Did he still love her?

Maybe he didn't? Maybe that's what made her so mad last night? If he did still love her then why did he? Maybe it was time to change the conversations direction . . .

Clearing his throat he started a new topic. “What about Goten and Gohan? Will she get custody?”

“Huh?” Rolling onto his side letting Goku let his tail wave behind him lazily, slowly letting it hang over his waist; he looked gently into Vegeta's eyes. Giving a weak smile he ventured an answer. “Sort of . . . she's been quite reasonable actually - she says I can have them Friday's and Saturdays -.”

“Oh, the two nights that isn't school nights. Very predictable.”

“Yeah - but she also says that I can visit whenever I like, providing I call first, and when I get my own place that they can visit me whenever they like too.” He gave another smile. “We split holidays and they can come over more often when school's finished, and she wants me to be as much of their lives as I was before. She's says she's not going to deny them their father, in fact she wants me to phone them tonight wherever I go, so they know that it's not their fault we're separating, you know?”

Vegeta grunted.

“I'm just dreading explaining this to Goten, Kami knows how he'll take it.”

“Well he knows that you love him and that's all that matters.” Kami, he hated spouting that sentimental crap! But it looked like Goku felt better about it at least. “Goten has that brat Gohan to take care of him too, that will be enough for him to cope.”

“I guess. Gohan's a great kid, he'll look after Goten better than anyone, after all he's really responsible and he's coping so well with this so far. This morning he seemed perfectly normal, which was great! He's been so low the last few weeks it was great hearing him laugh and smile!”

Vegeta's head snapped to Goku's with a raised eyebrow, giving him a sceptical look. That wasn't right - even Vegeta knew that behaviour wasn't normal. Being so low, so depressed and miserable and then suddenly becoming so happy wasn't a good sign . . . His memory took him back to the morning. The boy was pulling at his sleeves, just like the night before - the same way Vegeta always pulled at his shirt when he was trying to cover his cuts . . . That boy wouldn't self-harm though, would he? If he didn't know better he'd say that the boy was in some serious trouble . . .

“So, enough about my problems!” Goku gave a short laugh. “I'm just so glad I get to stay at your place till I get myself back on my feet, at least we'll have plenty of time to chat about all our problems then. So? What about you `Geta?”

“What about me?”

Sighing Goku gave Vegeta a very soft prod in the chest with his tail. Vegeta glanced down at his shirt - the red flecks had grown quite large . . .

Grunting he moved Goku's tail away from his chest. Cricking his neck he looked away. “Oh, that. It's just some cuts.”

“Yeah, but you told me you'd explain why you've been doing them.”

“I will. It's just -.”

“Hard?”

He rolled his eyes. Just like him. How could Goku understand some things so well, and others so badly? Damn, if he knew it was hard to talk about then why was he trying to make him? He was probably just worried and wanted to help . . . and he did tell Vegeta about his issues, even though that was hard for him . . .

“Yeah, it's hard.”

“Well, start from the beginning. That's what you always told me to do. Why do you do it `Geta? Please tell me, I want to help you as much as I can and I can't unless I know why.”

Wrapping his tail around his waist Vegeta found his hand moving involuntarily to his chest, holding his cuts closely. “It helps me.” His voice sounded so small. Was that really him speaking?

“Helps with what?”

He'd kept this secret hidden so long, no one knew about it and he managed and coped just fine like that, no one asked any questions because no one knew and no one was worried about him. Now he'd have to reveal why and Kami knew how Goku would feel. Still, the sooner he explained it the faster he could escape this conversation.

“It helps me with - . . . stuff. It helps me cope with bad emotions, if I feel bad or low I cut and I feel better.”

“Yeah, but how does causing yourself pain make you feel better?”

Vegeta rolled onto his stomach, his hands placed under his chin. The rain thundered down as lightening struck. Now at eye-level with his friend he found himself more relaxed. He smiled to himself, Goku was so innocent and so truly perplexed that it was almost cute - he hadn't the heart to not go on.

“Pain gives me a distraction, something else to focus on and something else to concentrate on. It helps me ignore depression, fear, guilt or whatever I feel at the time I do it. I can't deal with those emotions, I never have been able to; after all they're for the weak.” He paused. “It also gives me control over my self - which I don't have when I feel so awful, and it's easier to deal with a cut than an emotion . . .”

“So . . . You do it because it takes away your pain? For distraction and for comfort?”

“More or less.”

“But why do you feel so bad? You have a great life! A wonderful son, a mansion to live in, Prince of a planet - that was just wished back like a few weeks ago, and you have a whole load of good friends like me and Bulma -.”

“Kakarott you're not making me feel better.”

“Oh - sorry . . . I didn't mean to make you feel guilty.”

Vegeta rolled onto his side staring lifelessly away from Goku into the river. Watching the raindrops hit and the ripples spread he fought against his own pain, it was the only distraction he could find - Goku had reminded him of all the good things, and he was right! Why did he feel so bad when he had so much good? The guilt was spreading quickly, all consuming - he wanted just one cut, he needed just one! Then the guilt would be gone - but with Goku there, how could he?

As the ripples spread Vegeta felt his eyes well up with pain, memories of the past flashed through his head increasing his urges . . .

Goku felt his heart rip. Damn! Vegeta had just opened up, more than he'd ever done in his life and Goku just made him feel guilty! Man, if Vegeta was cutting himself to feel better and Goku made him feel bad . . . He just wanted to help! He never meant to hurt Vegeta! Man, he really screwed things up . . .

A low moan escaped his lips, he felt so stupid. His hand trailed through the moist grass and over Vegeta's back onto his shoulder, he grasped tightly to reassure him, it was the only thing he could think of. “'Geta, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean to upset you.”

“I'm not upset Kakarott. To be upset is to be weak.”

“Vegeta I can hear it in your voice, you don't have to be ashamed of how you feel, especially in font of me. I'll never think any less of you; everyone gets upset at one time or another. I just wanted to know why you feel so bad - I never meant to imply that you shouldn't.”

“Kakarott I know you meant no harm.” He paused and turned again to face Goku, his eyes were blurry and misty like he was on the verge of tears, but true to the Prince he held them back, forcing himself not to show any weakness. “I know you meant no harm and you caused no harm. I am fine.”

Goku smiled dreamily. “It's kind of ironic, huh?”

“What is?”

“Both of us have serious problems and neither of us can talk about them, but if we did we'd probably be much better off.”

“Yeah - I can certainly see the humour in that.” He snorted and rolled his eyes.

Within seconds a low mechanical tune began playing, causing him to look to Goku expectantly. Goku jumped up onto his feet right away, laughing nervously. “Sorry - I forgot to turn my phone off!”

Standing tall he grabbed his phone from his pocket; he read the name on the front quizzically. Now that wasn't right . . . “I wonder why he's calling?” Vegeta moved to his side standing closely from curiosity as the phone flipped open.

Goku gave a short yelp and moved the phone away from his ear, much to Vegeta's confusion. The frantic yells and cries on the other end were deafening. “Damn! Piccolo I think you burst my eardrum! What's going on?”

“What? When - when did this happen?” His face grew grave and pale. A pause. “Kami!” From the corners of his eyes tears grew. “Is he okay? Good - I'll be right there. What? Okay.”

Closing the phone he turned to face Vegeta.

“Kakarott? What is it?”

“Piccolo, Chi-Chi - everyone's there! It's - I can't believe it!” Goku choked on thin air as he found himself falling to the ground gasping for breath. “They're so upset! Piccolo rang. He's there!”

“Kakarott? Goku! Goku, what's happening?”

“It's - it's Gohan! He's in hospital! “

“What?”

“We've got to get there now `Geta! Gohan's really bad!”