Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Downward Spiral ❯ Chapter Nineteen ( Chapter 19 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter Nineteen

Damn it; if this was the most natural thing in the world then why did it feel so wrong?

Why was it the thought of telling Goten and Trunks the truth terrified him, they had a right to know about the new cub after all, but still, each time it came to telling them all he could remember was the look on Goten's face when he found out he was dating Goku, and the urge to tell them the truth suddenly disappeared . . . He just couldn't put Goten through that pain again, sure he hated the brat but not enough to purposely hurt him!

It wasn't just that though, was it? He could perhaps cope with the worry over telling Goten, but what he couldn't cope with was the feeling of utter defeat, the fact then each time he thought ahead to the day the baby would be born his heart broke in unexplainable fear - surely for any parent to be that was the most disgusting feeling to have, wasn't one meant to feel overwhelming love and need, a parental instinct? Damn it, why couldn't he feel that? Why couldn't he just be happy?

It was times like this that the blade in his hand was much more reassuring than he ever thought possible. He didn't even need to cut, merely simply hold the metal within his grasp and at once he felt that tug of relief, that knowing thought that if he needed it then the option was there; just feeling the cold metal rolling from finger to finger, the chilling touch warming to skin temperature in his hold . . . it was perhaps a pointless exercise but for some reason oddly comforting.

Silently the wind blew through the open window, the cold breeze shifting the curtains and allowing the warm touch of the morning sun to caress his skin. As Vegeta's hand instinctively shifted to cover his eyes from the light he smirked to himself, it was nice weather really for a bad day, and the natural heat was almost relaxing - almost being the key word that was.

God, why was he feeling like this? Why now?

He had so many good things in his life, Goku of course being the most important, and now he was feeling bad? What kind of monster was he? It was like that old void had swollen him whole once again, pulling him down into its dark recesses with that familiar feeling of self-hate and depression, as if some hideous creature had grabbed him within its claws leaving him unable to escape - all it'd take was just one cut! Just one to make it all better!

Sighing he sat up on the edge of the bed, alone for the first time this week, it wasn't as relaxing or soothing as he thought, in fact every minute longer he spent by himself was a minute more his body craved for some sort of contact, a minute more where he just needed to be with someone - it was so frustrating! The Saiyan Prince actually disliking solitude! Damn it, it was only a week ago that they'd spoken to Chi and sorted the arrangements with Goten, and so far that was going great. He'd admitted to the whole scenario with Radditz (though admittedly he'd omitted the most important part) and Goku had forgiven him, and they'd decided to tell Goten and Trunks about the baby, though they still had yet to do that. For the last week life had been great, and yet why did he feel worse now than he did then?

He jumped as the door knocked. Apparently the damned cub must have been taking up a lot of ki if he couldn't sense someone walking to the bedroom . . .

“Enter.” He snapped.

Slowly the door swung open; with the same amount of trepidation the door seemed to embody Gohan carefully stepped forward. He was wearing the same sad smile he'd for a while had now, though since his time with Piccolo it'd gradually became more sincere, but within his eyes could be seen that hint of desperation and suicidal self-loathing still echoing through him, in a way only Vegeta seemed to notice - maybe that Human saying was true, `takes one to know one.' Maybe just for the fact Vegeta knew how he felt he was the only one who could recognise it.

“Hey Vegeta,” His voice sounded happy enough . . .

“What do you want brat?”

“Not much; dad wants to tell Trunks and Goten about the whole new baby thing but Bulma insisted you be there when he does, I thought I'd come let you know, you know?” He laughed slightly and nervously, enough so that it was obvious something was wrong, “You okay? You're holding that blade like you intend to use it.”

Glancing into his hand Vegeta smiled and nodded; he hadn't really realised it but he actually did intend to us it, the thought never really consciously occurred to him really, but truthfully what other reason did he have to hold the metal unless pressing it into his flesh was an option? Why else would his instincts tell him to pick the blade up, why else would he trace it over his old scars, and why else would even just the thought of pressing down make him feel relieved? Damn it, he couldn't cut, not now, not with the new cub, or Goku or even just for the principle of the thing . . . He just couldn't!

Shoving it into his pocket he watched as Gohan shifted from foot to foot by the door, leaving his sleeves for once as opposed to constantly pulling at them, but staring at the floor in a way that screamed for attention.

What had the brat done this time?

“I'm fine Gohan.”

“You don't look it, Vegeta.”

“I'm fine.” He said firmly. After a few moments he nodded to Gohan with an all-knowing look, his eyes narrowed into a dangerous yet curious glare, “I can't say you look too good though. The way you're hopping from foot to foot and biting your lip like that makes me want to kill you, was that the only reason you wanted to see me, to tell me that Kakarott was ready to tell the brats about the new cub?”

“No . . .I wanted to ask you something actually.”

“I haven't time for mindless chat. Couldn't you ask Bulma or Goku?”

“Ah, well you see,” Giving that same laugh he gave before Vegeta stood gently, holding his stomach lightly as the new ki warmed his hand, why did he have the feeling this was going to be a long day? It was already proving to be frustrating just having Gohan stand there, and now he chose to be nervous and shy? Sometime he swore the kid practised at being annoying . . . Walking over to Gohan he gave a suspicious stare. The boy was just way to jumpy nowadays, “I was just going to ask about you and dad - err, like . . . I was wondering . . . how did you know you were in love?”

“Love?”

“Err, yeah. You two are in love, right? So, you know . . .?”

This was just too humorous for words, after all it was beyond obvious there was some reason for the question, like the way his cheeks burnt red and his hand scratched his neck in the same pose that Goku did when he was scared or tense, the way he stared with a half-grin, the way he shifted back and forth whilst trying to appear nonchalant . . . For God's sake, this kid was as good at keeping secrets as Goku was as good as staying out of the refrigerator! The whole issue of self-harm was obvious from the start, and as was this too, and as no one had noticed the self-harm it was very likely no one noticed this either - were they all blind?

“Why, are you in love boy?”

“What! No, of course not! I was just wondering that's all, Vegeta!”

“Then what does it matter? Don't you have better things to do than bug me with your sentimental nonsense?”

“No - yes -! But - but Vegeta, it's -!” After a long pause and a sigh of exasperation Gohan gave in, “Never mind.”

“Well,” Vegeta said with a smirk, “If it's as important as it seems to be then you could always ask someone else; Bulma is good to talk to . . . or maybe Piccolo.”

“No Vegeta! It doesn't matter!”

“Whatever you say boy.”

“Well anyway, why do you look so glum?”

Suddenly he froze. It didn't seem to matter he was so close to the door, so close to leaving the bedroom for the living room, or even that the stupid question should have meant nothing to him - he froze. It was like he'd been asked to reveal his whole life history, every last secret and every last thing about his being . . . the question meant so much for just a few simple words, words said in a tone that meant `for god's sake, cheer up!' rather than a genuine need to know. So why couldn't he stop his heart racing, why was his hand reaching for the blade in his pocket, the one thing that could easily make it all better?

“I don't know what you mean, Gohan.”

“Yeah you do! You shouldn't keep everything bottled up like this, it's not healthy, and you should just come out and say how you feel and what's bothering you -.”

“The way you did about the whole `love' issue?”

Snapping his mouth shut Gohan frowned. “Fine. Don't tell me.”

“I don't plan to.”

“Good!”

“Yes . . . good.”

The awkward silence that followed did little to help the situation, with both staring at the other with a mixture of anger and confusion, after all for Vegeta to be upset something had to be seriously wrong, and likewise for Gohan to be so cheerful all of a sudden then something had to be very right; however with neither willing to talk what could be done? With a sigh Gohan shook his head and watched Vegeta carefully for any signs that he might want to talk, but the only sign he got was that of Goku suddenly turning round the corner and heading straight for them.

Sensing the ki Vegeta turned around, and without meaning to smiled.

How was it Goku managed to brighten any scenario without meaning to? Just that inane grin or that over-the-top optimism, it just seemed to seep into everyone around him and rub off on them like a bad smell - without wanting to, or without thinking, just one second of seeing Kakarott and you felt uplifted. Folding his arms tightly Vegeta stared at the floor nervously.

“Hey guys!” Goku chirped, “What's up?”

“Gohan's in love,” Vegeta said with a devilish smirk - hopefully distracting the attention away from himself would stop Goku from sensing the pain through his bond.

“Oh yeah, well Vegeta is morbidly depressed!”

“Okay then . . .” Scratching nervously at his neck Goku forced the best grin he could muster, this was obviously going to be a long conversation, and one he hadn't really expected . . . “Well I only came up here to see what was taking you guys so long, it's really about time we told Trunks and Goten what's going on. I guess that can wait though . . . Well I kind of know about Gohan -.”

“You do?”

“Obviously,” Goku laughed, “So why don't we start with Vegeta! Are you okay?”

“Fine Kakarott,” Though the tone in his voice told a different story. It wasn't often that the Prince was at a loss for words; it wasn't often that he'd stare at the ground in silence without shouting back or chastising Goku for his stupidity, so clearly something was wrong. Problem was; what was it?

“Err, Gohan?” Goku chirped, “Mind giving us some room for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure dad! I'll be downstairs with the boys when you're both done.”

“Thanks.”

He waited until Gohan left to speak or act, after all Vegeta was still pretty uptight about his privacy and it wasn't often he'd even talk to Goku, so if he thought for a moment someone else was near he'd refuse to talk entirely - still, everything was okay, wasn't it?

With a sigh he reached out for Vegeta's shoulder, his hand touching him only slightly, so slightly he could barely feel the other man, yet even that slight touch caused Vegeta to shrug away, so pull back like he'd been touched by something contaminated and ugly. In that instant he could feel his heart break; he couldn't remember once Vegeta ever pulling away from him, at least over something trivial, so did that mean -? He'd really thought Vegeta was doing okay! After all Chi wasn't speaking to Goku anymore and Goten seemed fine with what was going on around him, Gohan was better too and Bulma said Vegeta and the cub were fine, Trunks was happy and . . . had he done something to upset him? Hurt him in some way? Surely if that was the case Vegeta would have told him, right?

“It's not you Goku.”

Laughing slightly he nodded; he always forgot about the bond and at times like this it just seemed all the stronger, like it was easier for Vegeta to know what he was thinking, it was a little worrying but it was good when words failed them and they could still know what the other felt or needed, well at least Vegeta could, he still had to figure out how it al worked . . .

Looking into Vegeta's eyes he was glad to see that the other wasn't as depressed as Gohan made out, those obsidian orbs seemed void of rage or sorrow but more . . . worried. It was hard to figure out what was worse - a worried Vegeta or a sad one.

“I'm just nervous Kakarott, for a start we don't know how Goten's going to react to all of this, what if he hates me like he did when he found out we were seeing each other? That broke his heart, what if he takes this badly too? Then there's raising this new brat, what if something goes wrong or we're bad parents, it was always Bulma raising Trunks and I never really did much except teach him to fight, but this will be different, what if I do something wrong or mess up?”

“Hey, relax, it's alright.”

“How can you say that, Kakarott?”

“Easily.”

With a soft smile he pulled Vegeta into a warm hug, letting his arms wrap around the smaller body and his hands rest on his tense back, rubbing at his muscles softly to try and relax Vegeta he leant his head onto the shoulder beneath him. It took a few minutes for Vegeta to relax, and a few more before the hug was returned in Vegeta's usual emotionless way - at least he was feeling a bit better at least, right? Breathing in Vegeta's scent he let his hand wander up to stroke his hair, trying his best to reassure him as best as he could, still smiling despite it all, and eventually Vegeta seemed to melt into him in a rather calming way.

Just how long had Vegeta felt like this? He'd never known that he was under so much stress, never known he felt so worried or so scared; was this normal or just Vegeta's personal demons playing up? Maybe it was all the hormones? Damn, if he had known sooner then he would have done something to help, whatever Vegeta needed he'd have done it! He would have done anything to make Vegeta feel better; he loved him, if he'd have known sooner . . .

“Geta?”

“Hmm?”

“I don't know if this helps but I'm sure it'll be fine. I mean Goten's a good kid and he likes you a lot, even if he does get upset he's young and he'll get over it, and besides, I've seen you with Trunks, with Goten, and with Gohan, and I know for a fact you'll be a great parent. You already are!”

“Thank you, Goku.”

“You know we have to tell them right, we can't stand here holding each other forever?” He felt Vegeta tense again and then relax with a long sigh, smiling he kissed the top of his head and pulled him over to the staircase. “Come on, it won't be that bad.”

“It better not be.” He growled.

Laughing Goku grinned, “Trust me!”

If he didn't know any better he swore he could have heard Vegeta mumble something like, `Last time I did that we ended up expecting a cub.' However the comment just made him laugh more, it probably would just add to Vegeta's frustrations but he'd forgive him eventually! Besides Vegeta had a point and Goku couldn't let him know that, could he? Hopefully everything would be fine, but one step at a time, first they had to tell the boys what was going on, but that should be fine . . . hopefully!