Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Dragonspaceballs ❯ Runaway Bride ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

DRAGONSPACEBALLS
Disclaimer: I do not own DragonballZ or any of its characters, nor do I own "Spaceballs" (the movie that this story is based on), or any of its characters. "Spaceballs" belongs to Mel Brooks, and whoever worked with him to make it. Akira Toriyama, Toei Animation, Funimation, and whoever else is involved does. I also do not own KFC, or "Simpsons" or Darth Vader or "Star Wars" or the "Spaceballs" theme song that I made a parody out of for this story. I also do not own Foghorn Leghorn; Warner Bros does. Why is Foghorn Leghorn in this story? Just go along with me, you'll find out soon enough. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are in this story too, and of course I don't own them.

P. S. The song parody is mine as well.

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

LONE STARR: Known in this story as LONE PRINCE, played by Vegeta

BARF: Known in this story simply as Hurl, played by Nappa

PRINCESS VESPA: Known in this story as simply Princess Bulma, played by Bulma

DOT MATRIX: Known in this story as Chichi Matrix, played by Chichi

DARK HELMET: Known in this story as Dark Horns, played by Frieza

PRESIDENT SKROOB: Known in this story as President Screw, played by King Cold. He's Dark Horns' father in this story, and like his counterpart, Skroob, he is a ladies' man, something that Dark Horns yearns to be.

COLONEL SANDURZ: Known in this story simply as Colonel Zarbon played by the obvious.

YOGURT: Known simply as Baba, again played by the obvious

KING ROLAND: King Briefs, played by Dr. Briefs

PRINCE VALIUM: Known as Prince Eatum, played by Goku.

CAMEOS: Foghorn Leghorn (his role will be explained later)








So if you're free and happy, and you're living life on a dare,
I'm gonna make you suffer 'cause I really don't give a care
'Cause you got what I need, and all I want is immortality.
Want Dragonspaceballs, right now! Dragonspaceballs!
Now don't get in my face,
So fork over those Dragonspaceballs!
Uh!

Clearing a planet a day, the most fun I ever had!
You can hate me and cuss me out, but it's no use gettin' mad
'Cause there's nothin' you can do.
Hold your breath 'til your face turns blue!
Dragonspaceballs! I want those spaceballs!
Now don't get in my face!
Wanna live? Give up those dragonspaceballs!
Right now!

Now there's nothin' you can do.
Go to mommy and cry boo-hoo!
Hahahahahaha!
Dragonspaceballs!
Right now!
Dragonspaceballs!
Now don't get in my face!
So gimme, gimme, gimme those Dragonspaceballs!
Like right now!

Dragonspaceballs!
Now don't get in my face!
Now gimme, gimme Dragonspaceballs
Right now!

I own the greatest mother ship
Wreck it, you'll get a fat lip!
Want Dragonspaceballs!
Right now!

So you think that you're all that
But to me you're just a rat!
Dragonspaceballs!
Right now!

Dragonspaceballs!
Right now!
Dragonspaceballs!
Now don't get in my face!
Gimme gimme Dragonspaceballs!

I'm mad and I'm mean.
I enjoy hearing your screams.
Dragonspaceballs!
Dragonspaceballs!

Want Dragonspaceballs!
Hehehehahahahaha!

The evil leaders of planet Screwball (sorry, people, it's not going to be called Ice) were basically screwed-up SOB's who weren't happy with the long lives they had, and two leaders in particular, father and son,

President Screw (King Cold) and his son, Dark Horns (Frieza, who is this story wears a helmet fitting his head in first form and a dark, heavy cape) learned of the Dragonspaceballs, golden balls that like in the DBZ series can grant any wish and that these special balls could only be found on planet Droolia.

But Droolia, a normally peace-loving planet considered planet Screwball a menace to all living things, so they would not give them the Dragonspaceballs in secret hopes that the cursed Screwball race would die out, so naturally President Screw and his son did what any normal men of their nature and species would do; they decided to take Princess Bulma of Droolia captive in exchange for the precious Dragonspaceballs.

Today is Princess Bulma's wedding to Prince Eatum (Goku), whom she does not love, but since he is the only single Prince left within five million light-years, and she must marry a Prince,

She has no choice but to marry him.

If you can read this, you don't need glasses or a reading tutor (unless you are cheating and someone is reading this out loud to you).







Chapter One: Runaway Bride

Dark Horn's mother ship was passing through at an extremely slow speed, and he was very happy on this aspect that Sawnya has allowed him to use the same mother ship that he uses in the other stories that she wrote and in DBZ. He even liked the new black helmet and helmet that he wore which was shaped to his head in his first form perfectly, and the heavy, black cape was excellent, perfect to hide under whether he was carrying a concealed weapon, flicking off his father, President Screw, or…um…shall we say…giving himself a little self-love.

Captain Zarbon was admiring himself in his mirror for the hundredth time today, a small gold mirror that dangled constantly from his circlet, so that he could check his good looks and comb his hair on a moment's notice. Of course a comb dangled from the circlet as well, and whenever Captain Zarbon needed to see anything but his handsome face, he could press a small button on the circlet, and the comb and mirror would put themselves away into a small gold pouch that dangled on the back of his head that was also attached to the circlet.

Porto Rico (played by Dodoria), entered the main control room just then, strutting about in all of his blubbery pink glory and eating from a giant bucket from KFC's "All You Can Eat For A Thousand Dollars" special that was being wheeled on a small wagon. He belched loudly, as greasy saliva streamed out of his giant, slurpy mouth. Captain Zarbon looked at Porto Rico with undisguised disgust.

"Captain Zarbon?"

"Yes, Porto?"

"You told me to tell you when we reached Planet Droolia right?"

"Yes, Porto. And?"

"We've reached Droolia, sir," Porto Rico spoke, as he gobbled down two chicken breasts at once.

Captain Zarbon sighed, "You are a true Screwball, you know that, don't you, Dodoria?"

"Um, Captain, I'm called Porto in this story, remember?"

"Who gave you that screwball name?"

"Sawnya, sir. She is calling me that in this story because I am fat and Rico was the original guy's name. By the way, she also perceives me as having the hots for Lord Frieza."

"You have the hots for Frieza-I mean, Dark Horns? Please tell me you're kidding!"

Porto Rico blushed uncomfortably, although a blush would not show on his pink skin. "Umm…I've gotta go now, yeah, I need to get a biscuit." He tried to run off, but Captain Zarbon caught his arm.

"Wait, Dodo-I mean, Porto, have you notified Lord Frieza-I mean Dark Horn--of this development?"

"Sure thing, sir, now may I go get my biscuit? I need some bread to balance out this meat."

"Fine, Dodo-I mean, Porto, you may go."

Someone called out, "Rise in Lord Frieza's-I mean Dark Horns's presence!"

Everyone in the room levitated into the air until their heads touched the ceiling. Dodoria-I mean, Porto Rico, got his spikes stuck in the low-budget ceiling, and two lower minions were now trying to pry them out.

At that moment, Lord Frieza-I mean Dark Horns-entered the room, strutting his stuff gracefully in his first form and new helmet and cape. Dark Horns was doing an amazing job of imitating his idol, Darth Vader, and he almost succeeded until he bumped into the camera filming this low-budget fanfiction (low-budget, as it took no real money to make this) and tripped over the camera cord. He flew into the wall, got his horns stuck in wall, and his helmet was now turned the wrong way.

Dark Horns flailed his skinny arms and screamed. "Help me, I can't breathe!"

Captain Zarbon and Porto Rico (who finally had been freed from the ceiling) rushed to their master's aid and with great effort, yanked him out of the wall, and with no effort, all three villains flew backwards into another one of the cheap video cameras, knocking them over. By the time, the three men managed to straighten themselves out, Captain Zarbon's favorite circlet was twisted, with his mirror broken, Porto Rico had nearly choked on a chicken bone, and poor Dark Horns still couldn't get his helmet turned back the right way. If Captain Zarbon had not rearranged his helmet in time, Dark Horns would have suffocated, and this story would have probably ended in the first chapter.

Dark Horns grumbled, "I'm starting to hate this helmet! At first I thought that it would make me look handsome and like my idol Darth Vader, but now it's giving me more grief than my own father!" He turned to Captain Zarbon and asked, "Anything new, Captain?"

"Yes, sire. Porto Rico has informed me that we are at Planet Droolia now, sire."

"Goody!" Dark Horns exclaimed like a little boy. He then rubbed his fingers in imitation of another favorite idol of his-Montgomery Burns of the "Simpsons" cartoon, and he purred,
"Excellent."

Captain Zarbon sighed. He honestly hoped that Dark Horns's new hobby of emulating his favorite TV and movie villains was just a phase. "Shall I contact your father, sire?"

"Don't need to, Zarb-I mean, Captain Zarbon," Porto Rico interjected. "I've already called him and told him everything."

Dark Horns scowled beneath his helmet, and he said coolly, "You went over my helmet and horns, Dodo-I mean Porto Rico?"

The cool, silky tone in his voice sent an unpleasant shiver down Porto Rico's spine. He began to back slowly away from his liege fearfully, and he himself almost tripped over a cable cord. "No-no sire, more on the side. I-I just thought that it would be quicker-"

"I don't pay you to think, Porto; I pay you to follow orders and respect my authority-what little authority that my father allows me." He then grinned under his black helmet, and he lifted his ring finger towards Porto Rico.

Porto Rico's huge eyes bulged in horror. "Sire, please, no not that, anything but that-"

A green laser emerged from Dark Horns' ring and hit Porto Rico sharply in his groin. Porto Rico screamed in agony and pain, and thankfully he passed out from the shock. Dark Horns's guards quickly dragged the tubby minion away (it took five of them to do so).

"Not much of a loss," Dark Horns said silkily. "It wasn't like he could get it up anyway."

"How would you know that, sire?" Zarbon asked.

Dark Horns was strangely silent for a few moments. Finally, he said abruptly, "Never mind, Captain. Now tell me where Droolia is, for I don't see it anywhere on the radar screen."

"We can't get it yet, sire, but I can, if you will allow me to press those special buttons that you mentioned before. Shall I do so now, sire?"

"No, no, I'll do it myself, thank you, Captain." Dark Horns walked until he stopped in front of a strange machine making whirring and grinding noises. "What the hell is this, Captain?"

"A cappuccino machine, sire. We call it 'Mr. And Mrs. Cappuccino."

"Why not one name or the other?"

"Because, sire, by using unisex names, we keep from getting sued for sexism, or at least Sawnya does."

"The only that our fearless fanfiction writer has worth suing for is a computer and a three-hundred plus Beanie Baby collection; I don't see what she has to worry about."

"Would you like a cappuccino, sire?"

"Yes, you pretty-boy pansy! You know that I always have a cappuccino when I go spying on planets that I plan to raid or clear!" Dark Horns looked around the room through his thick helmet. "Does everyone else here know that?"

All of the men in the room quickly covered their crotches. "Yes, sire!"

"Good. Captain, make me a French Vanilla one."

"Yes, sire."

Within a minute, Dark Horns was lounging back in an EZ-Boy recliner and watching the radar screen, as he slowly sipped his French Vanilla cappuccino.

"Switch to teleview, Captain."

"Yes, sire."

Within moments, a small blue-and-green planet of planet Droolia showed up on the screen. Ten satellites were floating about the small planet, with one of the dangling a clear, flying banner reading, "Buy Capsule Corp Products And Eat At Capsule Café!" The banner was a special one, with the letters glowing in bright pink neon lights attached to the banner.

Captain Zarbon sighed, "That is the most embarrassing display of commercialism I have ever seen!" And with that, Zarbon fluffed out his cape, which read, "Kiss me, ladies, for I am the most handsome man in this ship, as well as the best one in bed!" The letters on the cape could glow in the dark.

Dark Horns ignored him. He said to no one in particular, "Planet Droolia, where Dragonspaceballs were born-wait a minute, was I quoting that brat of Goku's on DBZ just now?"

"Just about, sire," Captain Zarbon replied.

"If I do that again, Captain, you have my permission to slap me."

"With pleasure, sire, although that's going to be kind of hard to do with that helmet on."

Dark Horns continued, "We must break through that air protection shield that King Briefs had encased Droolia in ten years ago. Can it be done, Captain?"

"Yes, sire. I've already planned it out: when we kidnap Princess Bulma from Droolia, we will hold her for ransom, which of course will be the Dragonspaceballs. And then once you and your father become immortal, sire, we can easily clear Droolia, own the Dragonspaceballs forever and rule the universe, just like you both planned."

"Very good, Captain," Dark Horns said happily. He called to his subordinates, "Is that clear, everyone? So when will Princess Bulma be married?"

"Within two hours, we are hoping, sire."

"Good; she better hope her wedding and reception are long, for she's going to have a short honeymoon! Hahahahahaha!" Dark Horns laughed. Then once again, he imitated Montgomery Burns and cooed, "Excellent."

Captain Zarbon whispered an aside to a passing minion, "Kiwi, please hide the 'Simpsons' videos and the 'Star Wars' videos from Dark Horns, please! We must break him of this habit before we hang ourselves to get away from him."

Kiwi agreed immediately. He himself wanted Dark Horns' habit of imitating his favorite evil idols to stop.













Planet Droolia, in the 1st Droolian Church of Droolia chapel…

Everyone entering the chapel read the sign that was right in front of the door, "Today: The Royal Wedding of Princess Bulma to Prince Eatum. Tomorrow: Church Bake Sale."

"All right!" one guest crowed. "It's about time this church had another bake sale! I sure love Chichi Matrix's home-style chicken and cornbread."

"Me too!" another guest cheered, and all the guests with them began to talk excitedly about the bake sale.

A little further away from the chapel, right outside of the doorway, was Princess Bulma, with her aqua hair twisted elegantly into a French twist. Her long white gown was low cut, showing her nice cleavage, and it had puffed sleeves. The skirt was covered with old-fashioned Chantilly lace and cut in a Spanish flare with the skirt softly clinging to her well-shaped legs. Rose crystal shoes with a diamond on each toe accented her dress.

She was the most beautiful bride that the Droolians had ever seen, but there was one thing missing: a smile of happiness that she was about to marry her intended. She was pouting and miserable, and she complained to her father, "Daddy, where's my robot of honor?"

"She had to go for a pit stop, sweetheart. Something about taking a leak, or having one, I don't know which. Anyway, you look beautiful, my child! If only your mother was alive to see this day…"

"Daddy, Mom is alive, remember? She's on her way back from a beauty spa."

"Oh, yes, that's right; I must have confused her with Chichi Matrix's mother." King Briefs was a brilliant scientist as well as ruler, but he was also Droolia's version of the absentminded professor.

"Daddy," Bulma sighed. "Chichi Matrix is a droid. Droids don't have mothers."

"Oh, right, of course."

Chichi Matrix rushed on gold wheels. She was a gold, robotic metallic version of Chichi on DBZ. She panted excitedly, "Sorry, I'm late! Are you ready, Princess?"

"Not really," Bulma groaned. "But I don't have a choice, so let's go." She reluctantly gave her arm to her father to take, and all three entered the chapel, with King Briefs happily escorting his daughter down the aisle. Chichi Matrix was holding the train of Bulma's gown.
King Briefs nearly tripped over a camera cord, nearly dragging his daughter down with him.

"Curse these camera cords!" he roared. "Does Sawnya really need to have so many cameras about?"

An organ played, "Here Comes The Bride!" as King Briefs and Bulma walked down the aisle. Bulma sighed unhappily as she saw her groom, Prince Goku-I mean, Eatum. Prince Eatum was gobbling down chicken pieces from a KFC barrel from KFC's "All You Can Eat For A Thousand Dollars" special. The wagon holding the giant bucket was right in front of Prince Eatum, as he gobbled down as much chicken as he could hold. All Prince Eatum cared about was a good meal, and the only real reason he agreed to marry Bulma was because King Briefs had promised him a lifetime's worth of free fast food from any fast food restaurant stationed on Droolia.

Princess Bulma whispered to her father, "Daddy, must I go through with this? I don't love him."

King Briefs sighed, "I know that, sweetheart, and I'm sorry, but you must. He's the only Prince left in this part of this galaxy."

"Well, can't we move somewhere else? I don't want to marry him. And why couldn't they at least put Yamucha in Goku's role, or better yet, Vegeta?"

"Sawnya wouldn't allow it, sweetheart, and besides Vegeta is playing Lone Prince in this story, remember?"

"Of course, I should have known," Bulma sighed.

Eatum was still gobbling down chicken, along with the generous supply of biscuits, as Bulma and her father and Chichi Matrix finally reached the altar. He mumbled a hello to his bride and continued to eat.

The longhaired, long-bearded minister, played by Master Roshi (who kept staring at Bulma's generous cleavage until King Briefs made a cutting motion across his neck with a finger to warn Roshi to stop), began in a cheery tone, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness this wondrous occasion of our dear Princess Bulma marrying Prince Goku-I mean Prince Eatum…" His voice suddenly trailed off when Bulma abruptly left her father and began to run away from Eatum and the minister, with poor Chichi Matrix still holding onto her train and rolling away from the altar with her.

"And Princess Bulma is heading right towards the exit…and opening the door, which we forgot to alarm…and what-SHE'S LEAVING?"

King Briefs cried out in distress, "Stop her! Stop her!"

Eatum didn't seem to be that concerned. He burped loudly and asked, "Well, since we're not getting married right now, can I have desert?"

Minister Roshi smacked Eatum upside his head, and King Briefs did the same.
















In Princess Bulma's white Mercedes Benz, with four doors a white leather interior, cruise control, power brakes and windows, etc…

Chichi Matrix cried out in protest, as she climbed into the front seat of the car next to Bulma. "Um…didn't you forget to get married?"

"No, Chichi, I didn't," Bulma snapped impatiently, as she started the engine.
Behind the Mercedes, the wedding guests, including King Briefs, Minister Roshi, and Prince Eatum were chasing after Bulma's brand new car, as the car whirred and launched itself off the ground. Within nanoseconds, it was flying towards the sky.

"Come back!" King Briefs cried.

Eatum, with his mouth full of strawberry cheesecake, mumbled, "Yes, (burp!) come back!"

In the luxury car, Bulma said happily, "Well, I'm glad that's over with!"

Chichi Matrix sighed, "Okay, Bulma, I know that Eatum is a pig with the worst table manners this side of the Milky Way, but couldn't you married him to make your dad happy and confine Eatum to McDonald's for the next thirty or more years?"

Bulma was singing to a song on the radio loudly, ignoring Chichi Matrix.

"Do you realize what you've done?"

"Of course I do! I am brilliant, and the daughter of the most brilliant (most of the time) man in the galaxy. And I'm glad that I dumped Eatum, glad, glad, glad! I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with food crumbs in our marriage bed, okay? Maybe I want a man who looks more at my breasts and thighs than the breasts and thighs of KFC, alright?"

Chichi sighed.