Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Fathoming Love ❯ Chapter 29 ( Chapter 29 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

"I sat in contemplation for a long time after that, avoiding everyone for a while. Rocks stretched for miles around, untouched by traces of her and I wondered over so many things I never thought I'd have to think about again. Love had always snuck up upon me. I never told myself, 'hmm, tomorrow, I think I'm going to find a beautiful girl and fall completely in love with her'. I never saw the people around me as potentials for anything more than what conveniences they could provide for me.


"In fact, for as many people who sought so hard after love for their entire lifespans, I never wanted it. I never looked at Bulma and really, truly, wanted to be with her forever. I don't think at that time, I really could. People in my life had come and gone and left whatever marks of their personalities on me. I was a collection of the people I'd encountered but that didn't always mean that the impact they left was that important to me. I was used to never being attached and the few times I had been, well, you can imagine were impressionable enough not to desire it again.


"So catching myself being so...." He looked to the side. "So in AWE of what a human woman would do for me... was just uncanny. I didn't like that I was so consumed by it but it's like it played over in my head a thousand times. That she'd risked my temperament, that she'd cared enough to follow behind me.... that, she'd seen so much more than a monster and risked her own life to be with me; sometimes, thinking about it was just too much.
"I hadn't had someone actually give a damn about me in so long, it felt uncomfortable. So I avoided her


"Time passed and I worked away in the gravity chamber she'd created for me; a present and yet another thing to mull over for hours. I was still sore from what Yamcha had said, as much as I hated to admit to it, and everyone believed my melancholy reclusiveness was as a direct result of it. Let them believe what they wanted, I figured. Bulma had kept my suicide attempt as just another secret between us and I adored her just that much more for it.


"In so many ways, Bulma was the greatest best friend I'd ever ever had. And that, at the time, was, definitely, enough to live for."


A soft smile crossed Vegeta's features as he relayed this part of the story, his eyes lighter as he gazed at nothing in particular at all. I wanted to grin at how boyish he suddenly had become, how gentle his features looked and how much a contrast this man was from the person I'd met such a long time ago. I wondered quite suddenly at how misleading first impressions could be, marveling at how much respect I had for him.


"So then what?!" I said excitably, leaning over with my chin resting on the points of my fingers.


"Then I made a really big mistake," He shrugged, continuing on. "I swear, I've always been so foolish. Sometimes, I wonder how I can forgive myself for having made so many mistakes in the masquerade of good choices.


"The time came for us to bring Kakarot back to life, as he had died, of course, on planet Namek when it blew. I wondered, in the confines of my quarters (provided by the Briefs as you can imagine and quite large) at how this turn of events would ultimately affect me. I had thought that before Kakarot was brought back, I would have been stronger. In fact, I'd go as far as to say I'd avoided thinking about it simply because I SHOULD have accomplished WAY more than I ultimately had. In the dawn of Kakarot's and Frieza's deaths, I had every intention of creating an army by the time anyone stronger could ever surface. I had thought I'd be immortal, I'd have a empire at my feet and as far as any other affairs, in all my shallow thinking, I guess I didn't really care. I had my two set goals and here I was, sitting like an idiot, all by myself with nothing to show for a year of freedom.


"I wasn't really any stronger, despite my hours with the gravity chamber and as far as an army? I smiled down at the ground, seeing a tiny lady bug running along the shadows of a doorframe.


" "You wanna be my minion?" I asked it with a smile, lifting it up with my finger and grinning at my own childishness. The little insect just looked at me like I was clinically insane, examining the tiny lines on my finger and deciding against my offer as it took to flight towards some unknown destination. I watched it go with a little sadness. How easily a bug could fly free and never know itself as anything else than that.


"Yet me? In so many ways, I understood that I was anything but free. Time had stained me and I sat feeling like a failure because I hadn't become like the person I hated more than any other person in the whole galaxy."


A strange smirk came into Vegeta's eyes, his tongue clicking inside his mouth.


"I remember suddenly something that Kakarot said to me, a very long time ago. I don't even remember what the fight had been about," He shook his head. "Probably something shitty I'd said or done. But he looked me right in the eyes and you know what he said?


" "You say you're free? Than be fucking free!" he said to me. "Or are you still his slave Vegeta? Do you still see yourself in a mirror and want his reflection to stare back, a man that feels and cares and loves nothing? Don't live in his shadow Vegeta. If you're so free, than be free."


"I know I'm getting way ahead of myself but that really made an impact," His eyes went blank for a minute, as if he'd lost his thought entire.


I shifted myself in my chair, trying to get his attention, to bring him back. His skin had an eerie tint to it, very pale considering how healthy and tan he'd been when we'd first met.
"Vegeta," I said finally. "Have you been eating very well? You seem to be losing weight and.."
"I'm fine, I'm fine," He waved me off, as predictably as always. "Tired I suppose. Screaming, despite the amount I've heard in my day, doesn't exactly lull me to sleep you know. Now where was I?"
"You were avoiding her."
"Ahh, of course," he lifted back, clicking his fingertips over the counter. "So there I sat like a modern monk, trapped away in my little world, too cowardly to even admit to myself how much I was starting to care about Bulma.


" "Can I come in?"


"The voice jolted me from my somber thinking, visibly making me bounce, which I hated. She snickered slightly, shaking her head at me when I scowled, angry that she'd caught me so off guard.
" "And what does the toughest man in the universe meditate so deeply over at this time of night?" She smiled, appealing to my weakness for flattery. I flashed her a little grin, letting her know I approved before ushering her inside.


" "So many things," I said in a sigh, resting my face on my hand as I propped it on a desk. I stared gently at her, my mask of anger forgotten as I watched her gracefully pull a chair across from me, stretching into it. A long day of work showed on her face, her eyes tired. It was a kindness, she was showing me, coming here when she was obviously so tired. "A thousand things."
" "Is one of those 'thousand things' about bringing Goku back tomorrow?" She cocked her head to the side, a tiny grin on her face. Ah, always the observant human.


" "Yes," I said honestly, yawning a little. "I suppose."


" "You must have missed him a little," She said, looking upwards. "Having a challenge, having someone like you. Must be a good and bad feeling huh?"


"I remained quiet for a moment, nodding in agreement.


" "It's lonely sometimes," I admitted to her when I never would have admitted it to anyone else. "Sometimes I think I'm crazy for wanting the things I do, for feeling and thinking what I do. I'm surrounded by people with ideas that are so..... contradictory to everything I've been taught. I wonder some days if I'm more saiyan or if I'm more just like Frieza. Or if I know even the first thing about being Saiyan anymore, corrupted as I've been."


" "Hm," She mulled out, chewing on the side of her lip. "I don't know much about Frieza and I don't know much about Saiyans, but I will say, when I look at you?" She shook her head. "I don't see anything that even resembles that slime."
"I smirked, closing my eyes.


" "You didn't even know him," I laughed a little. "How can you even say that?"
" "Well for one," She reached forward, moving a strand of my hair and soothing it back. "You don't look much like him. I doubt anyone ever charmed Frieza by flattering his 'dashing good looks'."


"I laughed with her, shaking my head for the hundredth time. I liked it when she laughed, the sound always calming for some reason. Any tension had long since left the room and it seemed that with Bulma, bad times fell into the category of forgotten much more quickly than they did with most people. It was as if the other day had never really happened and I wanted to thank her again for not only concealing the truth of the matter from everyone else, but for letting even ME forget it for a while.


"She reached forward suddenly, cupping my face with her hand and letting me lean a little into it. I didn't even realize how much contact with another body could mean, never having even been much of a fan of it until Bulma had forced it on me enough times to make me crave it. She'd always made the effort to hug me, to touch me, to give me just that little extra that so many people over looked. And even when I rarely returned her gestures, she kept on with them, undeterred. Sometimes, I think she knew me a lot more than I even knew myself.


" "You're not a bad man Vegeta," She told me seriously, connected eyes. "Don't be crippled by the idea that you are, ok?"


"I just looked away, not answering her at all.


" "Things are going to be different now," She told me, swallowing hard and suddenly refusing to look at me. "Goku is coming back and...and..." She seemed to trace every inch of the floor with her eyes, her mouth dry.


" "And?" I goaded her on.


" "And...." She trailed off again, swallowing what sounded like a rock or something. "And things have come up. Choices have come up."


"I looked at her skeptically, trying to decipher what she was trying to tell me. I hated how cryptic she was being, everything suddenly on edge again.


" "Look Vegeta," She said, scooting forward in her chair and seeming to brace herself. "I've always tried to be honest. I think if there are flaws in me, it really doesn't have to do with anything like honesty. Sometimes, I'm told I'm too honest, too bold. I used to hate that I seemed utterly incapable of complete bullshit but right now, I'm depending on every bit of boldness I have. In fact, it's my crutch as I've never felt like quite as much of a coward as I do right about now. But somethings come up; something serious."


" "Stop with your riddles," I rolled my eyes, trying to cut down the eerie nervousness that crawled up from my toes. "What are you trying to tell me?"


" "Yamcha has asked me to marry him, Vegeta," She said, wetting her lips. "And.... I'm going to say yes."
"It was like proof of God suddenly hit me and right about that moment, he was bending his great ass over and taking the hugest galactic shit ever-- RIGHT on me!


" "I love him Vegeta," She told me, her body seeming to shake beneath her lab coat. "He's a good man and despite the crap between you two, I think you know it."
" "So?" I said, looking away from her as I stood up. "Congratulations."


" "But I'm not marrying him because of that," She said, standing up bravely. I could feel her eyes on my back as I glared at the wall, wondering if I could ignite it with my eyes right about then. "I'm not marrying him because he's a great guy or because I care about him. He'll make a great dad one day and yeah, he's dependable. But Vegeta," She slightly touched my shoulder, bringing me around to look at her.


" "He loves me." She whispered, eyes shaking as she looked up at me. I hardened everything inside and out, refusing to let her know what I was feeling. "I'm marrying him because he loves me more than the waking world. And I need that."
" "Why are you telling me all this shit?" I snarled, tearing my arm from her grasp. "I don't care. Go. Be with your soddy knight in shining armor. I'm sure you'll have plenty of weakling children and be oh-so-deliriously happy together."


" "Vegeta!" She cried, exasperated with me. "I"m telling you this because.... "


"She looked down, her face contorted with anger. Her eyebrows clotted together, her mind seeming to go into overdrive.

" "Because what?" I demanded, gritting my teeth and blinking my eyes hard. I bit my teeth into the inside of my bottom lip, begging her to go on, begging her to voice it, to confirm what we both knew had been brewing for too long a time.


" "Because I think I'm falling in love with you," She said, looking up at me hard. She was shaking hard, using every ounce of her so-cherished boldness. "I think from the first time I saw you, I was so fucking fascinated that I completely lost myself to it. I don't know what I feel anymore," She looked down, her features rock-hard. "I used to think I had all the answers until you came along. I thought I knew myself and I thought I knew exactly where and who I'd be 20 years from now. But I look at you," She smiled lightly, shaking her head. "and it's like I feel like a child again. Like everything I thought I knew is just laughing at me now.


" "You make.... just... EVERYTHING more beautiful. I sing in the mornings, I dance at night," she laughed, looking up in exasperation. "I do all these things that I've never done before because everything is just so... NEW now. All the things I didn't understand before make sense and everything I thought made sense is a complete mystery now. God it's like..." She paused. "it's like I look in your eyes and I feel like I understand what so many poets are writing about, what all those romance novels are trying to tell us. I feel," she touched her hands over her arms, trembling. "I feel like I'm on fire half the time. But I'm not being burned away by it, just burning with it.


" "And I can't marry Yamcha and I CAN'T say yes and I CAN'T move on with my life unless," She swallowed, willing herself to make eye-contact with me one more time. "Unless I know that...that I'm crazy and that I'm making a huge mistake and that any ideas of you maybe feeling what I'm feeling are just lopsided delusions of an immature young girl."


"I stayed silent, looking from one of her eyes to the next. Yeah, I knew exactly what she was talking about. I felt it too. I felt like every inch of my body that was within touching distance of hers was just an inferno of flesh. I woke up in the mornings and thought about her for every instant that I spent before returning to my bed at night. In all the tortures I'd faced, in everything I'd lost, the idea of her marrying that idiot was to the point of unbearable.


" "What are you asking me?" I whispered, unable to keep my hands off her as they roamed to the sides of her beautiful face.


" "Tell me," she breathed, her bottom lip shaking. "Tell me the truth. Tell me that you love me or for God's sake, let me go."


"I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to write her a book about how much I cared about her, how much she made me feel a thousand things I'd told my heart it was never allowed to feel again. She was my best friend and not because it was a convenience and not because she was lonely and not because I made her do anything. She'd summoned up the courage enough to be more honest that I could ever have been and she was making this as easy for me as possible.

"It was like my heart stopped and any brain function just halted for a second as I stared at her. Time ceased to exist and I looked in her eyes and lost myself like I always did. 'Don't let her go,' I kept hearing my own voice plead inside my head. 'Just tell her. Tell her before you lose her.'


" "I..." I choked out, losing the momentum. I suddenly saw everything, as if in that moment of rest, my brain had taken the time enough to jot up every memory I'd ever had, thoughts flooding everything I wanted to say. I saw everyone I'd given two shits about and I saw every one of them die. I saw myself slowly crumbling into this shell I was now, like pieces of a man's puzzle falling down until there were so many parts missing, you couldn't even tell that they originally once formed a person.


Then, I saw her years from now, in my mind, beautiful even in age, Yamcha's children running around as they shared moments together in a picture perfect picnic setting. I saw his arm around her shoulder, his lips on her ear as he whispered so many things I would never be man enough to say to her. And she was laughing, that beautiful, bell-like sound as she swatted him playfully, running as he mock-chased her.


" "I can't," I swallowed, my chest feeling so heavy as the illusion faded. I pulled away, unable to look at her sadness that I knew would show on every gorgeous line of her face. "I'm sorry."


" "You...." She spoke between shaking lips, willing away tears like I knew she would. "You don't love me then?"


"God, she was making it so hard and I wanted so badly to turn around, to pull her against me, to make love to her a hundred times in one night and whisper in a hundred languages just how much I loved her. I wanted to burn every poem, every movie, every book and every person that had ever thought they knew what love was and dance on their ashes with the joyousproof that I indeed, knew something more than any of them ever did. But as I heard the laughter once more, saw the sunset on embracing bodies, neither of which was me, I knew something that made me want to cry for the first time in a very long time.


"He could give her so many things I never would be able to. He would make her happy and so knowing that, I set her free.


" "No," I said in the coldest tone I could manage, glaring hard into her eyes for emphasis. I hardened myself, praying she didn't see how I trembled, praying she didn't notice the balls of my jawline, like ovals of concrete as I ground my teeth together. She searched me, never seeing how tight my fists were, or the whiteness of my knuckles as I willed myself to stay still.


" 'Let her go,' the voice now told me. 'Do something Frieza could never do for you; something Zarbon could never do for you.'


"She very slowly nodded, biting down the tears as she turned and left. And me? I sat down, exactly where I'd been when she'd first come but a changed man for the 5th time in my life."