Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Goku gets a Prostate Exam ❯ Goku gets a Prostate Exam ( Chapter 1 )

Humor/Yaoi, Rated NC-17 for explicit sexuality

DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees

Summary: Goku makes a trip to the doctor for that most infamous of male exams, and receives the *royal* treatment.

Warnings: Pervert Vegeta, oblivious Goku, illegal impersonation of a medical professional! May possibly creep out male readers even if they like yaoi??

A/N ^^'"'" Well, here it is, my most demented fic idea yet. This is one of those stories I probably shouldn't have written, but it happened anyway. I was thinking back to an article I once read at WritersUniversity (which is now shut down- what a bunch of crap) that talked about why straight guys hate slash, and the author said it doesn't exactly feel good when things go "up there," like during a prostate exam. I started thinking, maybe that nasty exam wouldn't have to be so bad...

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Goku gets a Prostate Exam

by Orchideater

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Even the vast powers of the supersaiyan could do nothing against the passage of time, and so Son Goku, the champion of Earth, found himself turning 50. Friends and family threw him a birthday party, and Oolong gleefully handed the confused saiyan a black balloon and put a black hat on his head that read "Over the Hill." The others only shook their heads and chuckled dismissively at Oolong's silliness. He had wanted the entire party to be in Over the Hill theme, but they insisted it was ridiculous to have that kind of party for a man who looked 25 and had the energy to match.

Son Chichi, unfortunately, wound up listening to Bulma's horror stories about her father's recent health problems: specifically, his swollen prostate. Bulma lectured that every man 50 and over is at risk for prostate problems and should have an exam, and the exam probably saved her father's life in the long run. She had even tried to convince Vegeta to have one, but he had typically refused in a fit of anger and stomped off.

Chichi, forever trying to convince both herself and Goku that he was human and not an alien, determined that he should go to the doctor for a checkup- never mind that at 50 he had barely entered the prime of life for a saiyan. After the party she bullied him into agreeing, picked a men's health doctor out of the phonebook and made an appointment, then called Bulma to gloat.

A month later Goku sat in the waiting room of a busy clinic, entertaining a pair of children who were marveling at the fish tank. He had been promised a needle-free examination, so his usual good mood remained. Finally a nurse called him back to continue waiting in one of the examining rooms.

Goku's doctor was making his way down the hall, looking over his patient history papers and not really paying attention to his surroundings, when a small, dark figure grabbed him by the arm and turned him effortlessly around to the opposite direction. The doctor looked up in confusion.

"Excuse me, but are you the doctor that's treating a Mr. Son Goku today?"

"Yes I am. Can I help you?"

The dark-haired man took him by the elbow and began leading him down the hallway toward the doctor's office.

"Ah, yes, I was wondering if I could talk to you for just one tiny minute..."

Goku lounged casually in the room, beginning to wonder if the doctor had forgotten about him. Suddenly the door swung open and his examiner bustled in, noisily shutting and locking the door behind him.

"Hello, Mr. Son Kakarot! How are we doing today?"

Goku blinked. "Vegeta?"

Vegeta sported a too-big white lab coat that almost dragged on the ground, had sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and carried a clipboard full of papers. The unnaturally cheery smile plastered across his face completed the ensemble.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm your doctor! I'll be taking care of you today."

"But... But why... I thought I was supposed to see Dr. Hibachi?"

Vegeta pinched the bridge of his nose and laughed indulgently, as though Goku was a 2-year-old asking a question about something that should have been glaringly obvious.

"KAK-arot, think about it. You're a saiyan. You need a saiyan doctor, not a human one who only knows about how humans work!"

"Oh... well, I guess that makes sense. But do you really know about, er, doctor stuff?"

"Very much so. When I'm not training, I am a special consultant to this office as a specialist in saiyan physiology. I know, I know, there's only seven of us, but it's been my dream to provide us with an expert on saiyan health. We deserve it! I drew on my childhood knowledge of our race, as well as studied the intricacies of the human body since our systems work the same in most ways. But, Kakarot..."

He leaned closer to Goku, as if about to indulge a painful secret. "Please don't tell Bulma or anyone I'm doing this. Bulma... laughed at my dream. She didn't believe I could do this; she only thinks of me as a fighter-jock with no other real interests or talents. But you have faith in me, don't you, Kakarotto?" he said with pleading, puppy dog eyes.

"Ohh... Sure I do, Vegeta! I was just a little confused. I had no idea you did this sort of thing. Though, why does your name tag say, 'Dr. Chad Feelgood?'"

Vegeta shut his eyes and rubbed his nose smugly. "Well, that's my professional name."

"Wow, doctors get a regular name and a professional name? How cool!"

"Only saiyan doctors do. Well, great then!" Vegeta leapt to attention. "Let's get started on the checkup, shall we?" He turned away from Goku for a few moments to ready his pen and shuffle and re-clip his papers.

"Now, if you'll just remove your... oh... you're nude already."

"Uh... okay, now... let's see..." Damn, he had hoped to steel his nerves a bit before Kakarot got naked. He took in the sight of that long, sculpted body, honed to a warrior's perfection, that beautiful open face and wide trusting eyes, that magnificent... ahhh... Despite some initial, half-hearted efforts at control, Vegeta felt himself slipping into a trance. For a long while he just stood there, eyes lidded and mouth slightly agape, staring transfixed at Goku's torso.

Goku looked down at himself and began to worry, thinking that Vegeta had found some spot of cancer or other sickness that he hadn't noticed before.

"Um, Vegeta? Is everything okay?"

"Uh!" Vegeta snapped out of it. "I was just deep in thought. Don't interrupt me again, baka!"

"Sorry. Is there something wrong with my chest?"

"No, no, it's just fine. Doing fine. Very, very fine," Vegeta murmured, then pulled himself back before he started to space out again. "Ah-heh-hem! How 'bout we start out with the basics. Let's check your heart rate."

He walked up and placed the metal disk of his stethoscope against Goku's chest, thrilled to watch the nipples tighten as cold metal touched skin. He listened to the strong, even heartbeat for several silent moments, moved the disk around to different places, then took off the stethoscope, looking disgusted.

"This thing doesn't seem to be working. We'll just have to do this the old-fashioned way."

Vegeta leaned in and pressed his ear against the center of Goku's chest, cheek resting against the perfect, deep cleavage. He let his face ride the broad chest as it rose and fell gently with each breath, glorying in the feel of that smooth skin, that firm, thick muscle, and once again felt his eyes drift half-closed. A sappy smile crawled across his face.

Goku could only see the top of his head, and wondered what could be taking so long.

"Um, Vegeta, are you almost done?"

"Dammit, I told you not to interrupt me. Now you've messed up my count. I have to start over again." Vegeta settled back in. Ahhhh...

Five minutes later he pulled back all at once and gave him another huge, phoney grin, his face flushed as if he'd just drunk an entire bottle of wine. "Heart rate's perfectly normal!" he chirped, then gave Goku his back and pretended to write notes on his clipboard.

"Oh, good. You were taking so long, I was starting to think there was something wrong."

"Oh, relax, Kakarot, I'm sure you're fine- this checkup is just to make sure, in the tiny minuscule chance that something could be wrong. Turn around, please."

Goku did so, and Vegeta leaned over and inspected the base of his spine. "Any problems with your tail scar? No pain, redness or callusing? No infection?"

"No, I've never had anything like that. Sometimes I get that 'phantom limb' thing, and I feel like my tail is back and it's cramped up like I'm sitting on it, but that's it."

"Good, good." The scar was very faint, since unlike Vegeta and the half-bloods, Goku's tail had been "professionally" removed by Kami himself. Vegeta trailed his index and middle finger over the spot.

"Ah!"

He pretended not to hear Goku's shocked gasp of pleasure, though the sound wreaked havoc in his pants. "That's a nice smooth scar; it's healed over well."

He straightened up and grabbed the clipboard again. "Go ahead and sit down; I'd like to ask you some questions before we go on." Both settled into the two opposite chairs, Vegeta waggling his pen between his fingers.

"Allll-right. Now! Have you had any pain or swelling in your lower abdomen? Any pain during urination?"

"No."

"That's good..." Vegeta scribbled more imaginary notes. "Do you have any trouble achieving and sustaining erections?"

"Uh, no, never."

"No problems with hardness, staying power, or timely ejaculation?"

"No."

"Very good. And when you do get a particularly hard erection, how big is it?" he asked, peeping surreptitiously over the top of the clipboard.

"How big? Oh, geez, I don't know..."

"What do you mean, you don't know?! Every guy knows that!"

"Well, I mean, I know, but if you want some specific measurement then I have no idea. I've never measured it with a ruler or anything, ha ha! Do guys actually do that?"

Vegeta snarled to himself. Fucking typical! Kakarot had to be the only advanced male organism in the entire galaxy who hadn't measured the size of his cock. "So give me an estimate, in inches."

"I'm not good at measuring things in numbers by sight, Vegeta."

"Try it anyway!"

"Nah, I'd be way off."

"Dammit, will you just guess?! You're ruining it for me! Ah, I-I mean, it will screw up my records if I don't have that information."

Surprised by his tantrum, Goku offered an alternative. "Is it really that important? Here, I can sort of show you. It's like this."

Goku held his hands apart to indicate the appropriate length. Vegeta boggled, then ducked behind the clipboard again so Goku couldn't see his crazed grin.

"Yes! Well! Ohhh-kay! Okay, then! Alright..." he barked, scribbling furiously.

"Vegeta? Is that normal? Is that not healthy?"

"No no no! That's just fine. That's more than fine. You're very healthy."

"Oh, that's good to hear. So that is normal, right? Vegeta? How big is yours, Vegeta?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out," he said smugly. Oh shit! That was supposed to be thought, not spoken! "Eh, ah-hah-hah-hah! That's just my little joke..."

Goku laughed as well. "You're in a weird mood today, Vegeta."

"You've just never seen my bedside manner. Anyway!" Vegeta clapped his hands together and steepled his fingers. "Let's move on to the prostate exam. Are you familiar with how those work?"

"Um, yeah, Chichi told me the basics of what to expect."

"Good. Now, what I'm going to do is administer a digital rectal exam."

"By computer?"

"No no no, by hand- using the fingers. You know, your fingers are your digits?"

"Okay, I see. But Vegeta, I just don't see how that can possibly work. Isn't the prostate too far up?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean, I don't understand how a doctor can possibly reach the prostate with just his fingers. Isn't it way up there by the stomach?"

"What in the world... You're thinking of the pancreas!"

"Oh, they're different?"

Vegeta smacked himself in the forehead. "Kakarot! You're a warrior. You've gained total control of your body through training and meditation. How can you not know which organ is which! Look, the pancreas is up here by your stomach, and the prostate is right down here, in the middle." He poked his own lower abdomen.

"Oh, that thing! I didn't even know it had a name. Geez, people can't expect me to remember the names of every little organ."

Grrrrr...!! Vegeta forcibly calmed himself down. "At any rate, let's get on with the exam." He plastered the phoney smile across his face again. "If you could just stand and bend over the examining table please."

Goku did so, propping himself up on his folded arms, and idly began trying to find pictures in the woodgrain pattern of the paneling in front of him. "Vegeta, how long is this going to take?" he yawned. "I hoped to make it home by lunch."

"Not long, not long," Vegeta strained out. He was rendered half-paralyzed in ecstasy by that gourmet feast for the eyes. Goku stood in the position he'd only dreamed about, that plump, juicy virgin ass hiked up in the air in invitation.

Rivers of tears streamed down his face. This is the BEST day of my LIFE, he thought dreamily, grabbing the jar of lube as he all but sleepwalked forward.

He ran a hand up Goku's spine, gave him a friendly pat on the back, then smoothed his hands around the curve of each buttock, cupping and kneading the flesh. He "accidentally" let his hand stray over the tail scar again.

"Hahh! Uh... this is all part of the exam, right?"

"Of course! This part is preparation. But we can move on now."

Vegeta dipped his first and second fingers in the lube (fingers that had been meticulously filed and manicured the previous night so as not to scratch his koi) and began to press the first in, then the second, all the while watching Goku's face carefully.

His face screwed up in an expression of distaste, but if the intrusion bothered him further he didn't admit it.

"Is this hurting you?"

"No... just feels... really weird and uncomfortable."

"That won't last!" He pressed in further, angling the fingers forward. "Now... THIS-"

"Haah!"

"-Is the prostate. Feel that?"

"Y... Yeah," Goku panted.

"Now let's see..." Vegeta swirled his fingers all around the sensitive lump, trying to act as if Goku's reactions didn't affect him. "Good tissue consistency... feels nice and pliable... no bumps or nodules... good size..." Vegeta ground his fingertips hard against the little mound.

"Nngh! Gh...hh!"

He pulled the fingers back, rolling his knuckles along the passage, then assaulted the prostate again. "How does this feel?"

"Uh... well... kinda... I-I'm okay..."

"Yes, but how does it feel. Tell me!"

"Uhh..."

"Is it a pain or more of a pleasurable sensation?"

"Uh... uh... more of a... more of a... pleasure sensation."

"That's good, good!" He ground the fingers in again.

"Ahh! V... Vegeta... can't you stop doing that?"

"No, it's part of the test," he said, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"B-But it's, uh... I'm kinda... starting to get hard."

Vegeta instantly tore his eyes away from Goku's face to see how things were progressing downstairs.

YES! Oh, god, yes, show me what you got, baby! "That's good! That's perfect." Just perfect... "Now I can perform the second test at the same time as we're doing this."

Vegeta reached around, hand trembling with excitement, and took hold of Goku's rapidly stiffening member and began to stroke slowly.

"We need to check out your sexual responses before I can give you a clean bill of health. So does this stimulation along with the pressure on the prostate feel quite sensual?"

"Uhhhhh..."

"Does it?"

Goku nodded his head furiously, fingers ripping through the paper covering of the table and digging into the vinyl cushion beneath.

"That's good, very good." Vegeta was having a hell of a time keeping himself in check after watching and feeling that long, hot shaft grow to full hardness under his hand.

"Now, I'm just going to check the condition of the penile muscle and erectile tissue!" He pulled several long, tight strokes down the length, gently scraping with the nails once or twice. "Do you feel that?"

"Uhh!"

"And let's check the sensitivity of the head now! Good, full shape, the eye looks fine, precum on the tip- very good. Tell me how this feels..." He pinched and squeezed the head, rolling it between his fingers, teasing the eye and the underside. "Does that give pain or pleasure?"

"Uwaahh! Hahhh..."

"Pleasure then. And how about when I stroke this large vein here with my nail?"

"Nghh!"

"And when I ever-so-delicately tease the shaft like this... and then pull HARD on it like this?! Can you feel both?!"

"Nnnhaahh!"

Vegeta escalated his assault, stroking harder, faster, continuing to grind his fingers against the bundle of nerves inside...

"Hhhh! Oh god... V... Vegeta..."

Oh yeah, say my name...

"Vegeta! Nnh... I-I'm gonna come all over your table..."

"Do it! I-I need a specimen, it's all part of the test. Don't worry, Kakarotto- let yourself go. Let go. Now!"

"AAAHHHH!"

Goku arched and fired out, splattering jets of cum over the side of the examining table. Vegeta nearly passed out in rapture, thinking there could be no more beautiful sight on earth than watching Goku explode in pleasure, no feeling more satisfying than knowing he had brought him to those heights of ecstasy.

Goku's knees buckled and Vegeta smoothly guided him into the chair, then grabbed a plastic specimen cup and scraped up the cum into it, snapped the lid on tight and dropped it in his pants pocket.

"Huf... Huf... Th-That's to send to the lab... Uh, heh-heh."

Vegeta leaned against the table and they both panted and tried to compose themselves. Finally, Goku stood, and fixed Vegeta with an intense look.

Vegeta clasped his hands together, eyes growing huge and sparkly.

Yes, Kakarot! He understands! Tell me you know what this really is, that you know why I've done this- that I'm so desperate to touch you that I'll even stoop to these shameful lengths! Tell me I'm the one, tell me this has been a revelation, tell me you want to go away with me forever or at least let's bang each other on the table like rabid savage animals right now!

Goku's serious face suddenly became a huge grin. "Wow, that exam was fun! I don't know why the guys told me I'd hate it!"

"Waaaah!" Kakarot, you moron!

Vegeta fell to the floor with a splat then instantly sprang back up into Dignified Doctor's Stance, holding his clipboard in a strategic location.

"Well, of course it agreed with you. It was performed by me, after all, and I know what I'm doing. You're in perfect health, Kakarotto."

"Great! So I should make my next appointment for a year from now?" he asked, pulling on his gi and shoes.

"Yes. Well, make it six months. Differences between humans and saiyans and all that. Be sure to make the appointment for Dr. Hibachi, and when you tell people who examined you tell them Dr. Hibachi because I, uh, work under his practice." Vegeta felt confident that the death threats and the total knockout would keep the good doctor quiet.

"Okay then. Thanks, Vegeta!" A grin and a wave and he was gone, the door shut loosely behind him.

"Aaahhh! Kakarot, you airheaded twit! You are so damn naive!" Vegeta slumped his shoulders melodramatically and sighed. "But then that's part of why I love you. What am I supposed to do about this, huh?" He absently massaged the poor, neglected hard-on inside his pants. "You clod, you were supposed to get the hint and do me next. Urrgh. I'll have to go home and finish myself off now."

He shook off the disappointment and remembered all he had gotten away with.

"Ah, who cares, what the fuck am I complaining for?!" He struck a suspiciously "Ginyu" victory pose. "I did it! Hoo-yeah, that was awesome! I popped his cherry, me! Well, just with my fingers, but I say it still counts. No one touches my peasant's ass but me! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! And I even got myself a little souvenir. Oh, sweet heavenly nectar..."

Vegeta pulled out the container and gave the lid a big kiss. "Mwah! Ha-ha." He closed his eyes and let the images and memories of their recent encounter wash over him. "Mmm... This should hold me for now. Someday I won't have to make due, cause he'll be mine."

Vegeta leaned over the table where Goku had stood, wallowing in the heat and traces of ki that still lingered. Suddenly he felt a large form fill the doorway behind him. His eyes widened in delight. It's him, he figured it out!

"You're back!" he shouted, whirling around, only to recoil in horror at the sight of the enormous, greasy mountain man blocking his path.

"Did ah go somewhere? No, ah been waitin' out there for an hour'n a half," he whistled through craggy, tobacco-stained teeth.

The hick unbuttoned his overalls and shimmied them down his bloated midsection while Vegeta turned green, twitching in horror.

"Ah needs you to give me sumfin' for these genital warts."

"Ahhh! Y-You've got it all wrong! I-I'm a foot doctor! Yep! Just do feet! See ya!"

Vegeta blasted out of the room at superspeed, bowling over the man, and took off into the sky. He didn't have to worry about that hard-on anymore.

"Someday!" he yelled, shaking his fist at the heavens. "Someday it'll be different! And the only simple hick that darkens my doorway will be Kakarot!"

Vegeta put on the speed and streaked home to enjoy his souvenir.

See you in six months, Kakarot...

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A/N Forgive me! But I just love the idea of Vegeta drooling and perving over a completely oblivious Goku. Right now I'm imagining an adult version of Chuquita's world, with Vegeta as the Coyote and Goku as the Roadrunner...

Vegeta: Mmm, yes, hunting Kakarotto.

OE: You do realize that the Coyote never catches the Roadrunner, don't you?

V: Uwaah! Don't write about that!

OE: It was just an idea. :)

Master Roshi: Good lord, boy, just look at you in this fic. And people call ME a pervert.

V: Shut up, old man!

MR: I mean, wow. The most I ever did was a little grope, and I always got slapped for it.

OE: Vegeta's punishment was having to see that redneck.

V: See?! I-It was all her idea! She made me do it!

MR: Oh, 'fess up, I saw you helping with the script.

The End