Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ I Feel Like Dying ❯ Part 1 ( Chapter 1 )

"I feel like dying," she said to him. He looked up from the book her was reading with a shocked expression on his face, one that said 'what in the world are you thinking' mixed in with 'I'm listening, please continue.' "I feel like I'm already dead," she explained further waving her hands for emphasis, "I feel… I feel that if I died, everyone would be happier, that I only bring others down."

"Wait a minute, you know that's not true," he countered. "Pan, you know that everyone cares about you and that they would be hurt if you did this to them, that-"

"NO! No one really cares about me. No one, not even you, knows what I go through everyday. I was Bra's best friend. I was supposed to save her from herself. Her death is my fault. Don't you see? Everyone probably blames me too. I was supposed to see what was happening, that she still wanted to die. It's not fair. She was so selfish. I wanted to die too, but she left me here, alone, to bear it all alone. We promised each other we would live, that we would be happy with what we had in life. I thought she was getting better, that she wanted to live. Well, apparently, she didn't. She didn't even trust me enough anymore after that promise to tell me. I wasn't happy either, but I made a promise. I guess promises are made to be broken," she said, voice laced with many emotions as she sat down on the bed and buried her face in her hands.

"Pan," he breathed out as he walked over and sat down beside her. He wrapped his arms around her and began moving his hands up and down her arms in a comforting motion. She shook slightly with silent sobs. Looking down at her, in this state of despair, he remembered all of the other times she had come to him when she was feeling depressed, when her world had crashed and burned to stinging ashes right before her very eyes. She had always come to him about everything. It was a blessing and a curse to him. He was touched and felt honored that she trusted him enough to tell all of her precious thoughts and secrets, but it also pained him to see her hurting, especially like this.

"Pan," he began again, "Bra's death was not your fault. Never believe otherwise. Nobody expected Bra to do that, not even you. Like you said, she seemed happy and both of you seemed to be doing better. I didn't see it coming either. If you blame yourself, you might as well blame me too because I knew about yours and Bra's depressions and manias, your ups and downs. Everyone else thought you were just moody teens, but I knew. I knew, and I didn't tell anyone else." A long silence passed between them.

"It's not your fault. We made you swear never to tell anyone because we knew no one else would understand, only you. Even if it isn't my fault, I still want to die now more so than ever. I lost the one person in the world that understood me, that knew what it was like to feel like I do, that knew what it was like to want to die, to not have any purpose in this god-forsaken life. I don't want to live in a world where I will always be alone. I know now that I'm meant to be alone forever. God took from me all I had. No one will ever love me because I can't even love myself. I don't see any good in the world; I don't see any good in me. How do you love someone like that?" she asked as she lifted her face to him with tears trailing down her cheek.

As he looked at her, so desperate and despondent, he was struck at how beautiful she truly was. This fallen angel that came to him with all her troubles was the most gorgeous creature he had ever seen even in all of her misery. It stirred feelings within him that were not exactly new to him. He had learned in time to control such thoughts of the raven haired beauty leaning against him. To think such things about her would make him a sick, perverted person because they were such unnatural, wrong thoughts. But how can they be so wrong when they feel so right, he thought. He had always loved her with all his heart in a completely friendly manner, but seeing her now, so close to him with all of his buried feelings rushing back, made him wonder if it was really such a big step to love her differently.

He stopped rubbing her arms and looked deep into her eyes, "Pan, I love you."

She looked up at him again and looked into his eyes as well, searching for some meaning to the cryptic words he had spoken. He saw the confusion in her eyes, so he leaned down and kissed her softly for a brief second, over all too soon for him.

She looked up at him, and then turned her eyes away.