Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Kissed ❯ Chapter 2 ( Chapter 2 )

The boys found Kakarot's book. They carry it around like it contains the secrets of the universe. Like they will find the answers to why he left, why he has been away so long. I know why he left. I know why he stays away. I won't tell them though, if they really wanted the answer they only need to go ask. The Idiot had hidden it but that wont stop a curious Saiyan. It didn't stop me, only a matter of time until those two found it.

 

It feels like eons since I kissed him. Since I touched him with gentleness, since I was touched with affection. In reality it has only been five or six years, only forever, not long at all.

 

Why did I touch him? Why open myself up like that?

 

I was… tired. Tired of being angry, tired of rage, of grief. I was tired of hanging on his shoulders what he was never responsible for, what he only had the luck to escape.

 

Rage helped me survive; indignation kept me going under Freeza's rule. It pushed me to climb ever higher, yet it plateaued and kept me from gaining any further ground. I gained that further ground in a moment of despair, despair strong enough to overcome my natural anger. It was glorious, transcendent, but hollow. Damp the fires of anger, what is left?

 

Once I let go of my anger, the physical attraction nearly overwhelmed me. I won't explain why I entertained the notion of sex with him. I wont say that he had ever done anything to make me think he would be open to sexual contact. I was just tired, had been for a long while, he was there. He smelled comforting, familiar and I wanted him. It never crossed my mind that he might refuse or be insulted. That he didn't still amazes me, at least until I remember the feel of his hands on my skin, then amazement is abandoned for arousal.

 

I told him we would talk in the morning and we did. I honestly wasn't sure what I had intended for the future by having sex with him. I couldn't say I was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my days with him. All I was sure of was that it was a comfort to have touched him, and have him touch me. He was fine with that glad to see we were friends.

 

Now that I think about it, now that I have spent an inordinate amount of time going over it in my mind I realize a few things. First, he must have known that I harbored no true ill will for him all the years I was insulting and angry. Second, he knew he was leaving soon. Both realizations ticked me off, but I was angriest about the latter.

 

 

Love sucks. It makes you into an idiot, makes you change your life on the flimsiest of hopes. It makes you make decisions. I hate it and I resent with every fiber of my being that I wanted to make these changes. That I wanted to not only admit to myself that I felt this soft, useless emotion, but that I was ready to expose my foolishness to the world, to the one who could crush any hopes I had. Absolutely fucking hated it, but since when has hatred changed anything?

 

It is nearly impossible to ignore realizations. Once you realize that there is something missing in your life, you seek it out. Once you realize you are lying about how you feel, you are driven to admit the truth. Once you realize that your relationship is built on laziness and loyalty on both sides, honesty comes easily. Comes no matter how hard you try to stop it, no matter how many times you try to avoid speaking. To my credit, I managed to avoid the whole thing, swim in denial for a year. But in the end what was my stubborn pride winning for me? What was it gaining me? So, I was honest. I did the right thing, not just for me, but for Bulma. Kami, I blame that baka, how dare he infest me with his goodness. The truly shameful thing is I felt better. I actually felt a foreign, alien, not likely to be repeated lightness of heart afterwards. I'm going soft, influenced by this mud ball.

 

The way I waste time, the way I procrastinate, you would think I was immortal. I wasn't going to let a pipe dream make me rash. So I resorted to subterfuge, I sent the boys to see him. To check out the lay of the land, tell me how much stronger he had gotten, how happy he was in the middle of nowhere with Uub. I dreaded everything they would tell me. It was a fucking waste of time. They couldn't tell me much beyond the norm. Unobservant brats, though Goten was happier, nearly glowed that kid. I should have given them a list of questions.

 

So then, I came up with a plan of action. Not my usual style of pounce and pound but it seemed cunning to me. Kami, what was I ten years old again? I moved closer to him a little each day, dropping my Ki a little, as I did. So that he would feel it, if he was looking for it but still get a sense of distance. I used the feeling of increase in his as a guide to distance verses level. Then I watched him, for a month. Lurking, Ki low, downwind, through binoculars. What did I learn? Not much of use. He and the kid met at dawn every other day. They fought; they had lunch, then fought some more. On the days off Kakarot went fishing or hunting. Uub flew back to stay in his village doing chores and following some girl around. I didn't have to watch him for a month to learn all this, but I was reluctant to give up my watching.

 

I was used to following him. I liked it. I didn't need to think just move on instinct, watching him move with innate grace, watch him trip with innate grace. He can be such a clueless baka, yet he's charming. I loved watching him, and that's why I got myself into a rather embarrassing position.