Maintaining

By Pixelgoddess

Warnings: Yaoi, Yuri. Smut. Violence (later), rape (later), angst (right away). A Goku that started out cheerful, but is now as angst-filled as Vegeta. A nice dyke Chichi.

Pairings: Goku/Vegeta, Radditz/Vegeta, Chichi/OC. (Okay, okay, I don't like original characters either, but I think you will forgive me. Besides, she won't mess with your favorite Saiyans at all.) Maybe some other pairs if the mood strikes me.

Summary: Vegeta's life has begun to fall apart, his control slipping away. Will Goku be able to help him hold on, or will he become another victim of Vegeta's past? Yaoi - G/V, R/V, Yuri - CC/OC

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own them. Honestly. How could you think that? I am a goddess, not an extremely wealthy Japanese man.

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Chapter 14 - Falling Apart

"Damn it," Vegeta said, turning to face where Piccolo was pointing. He gathered up his remaining ki and prepared to leave.

Piccolo reached out and wrapped his hand tightly around his upper arm. "Wait."

He snapped his head around to glare at Piccolo for daring to touch him. His angry words died in his mouth as he saw the ki building in the Namek's hand. He couldn't protect himself from that attack! Before he could react, Piccolo moved. His eyes widened in fear but he refused to make a sound when he felt the ki pressing against his chest and entering him.

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"Vegeta. Vegeta. Are you alright? Come on, snap out of it, damn it."

He blinked, then looked around warily, trying to get his bearings. The Namek was supporting nearly all of his weight, holding his arms. He was peering into Vegeta's eyes with concern.

"Vegeta, what's wrong?" Piccolo asked, worry in his voice.

"What in the hell did you do to me?" Vegeta hissed, struggling free of his grasp.

"I gave you some of my ki. I didn't expect you to react like that," he answered calmly, releasing the prince when it was obvious he could stand on his own.

"You could have said something!" He screamed, tail thrashing, fear and relief battling for control.

"I di-," Piccolo interrupted himself and stared at him for a moment, eyes narrowed. Suddenly his eyebrows raised in comprehension. "Oh shit. Vegeta, you thought I was attacking you?"

"What the fuck was I supposed to think?" Vegeta growled.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you couldn't read my ki. You just needed more if you were going to reach Goku."

"Just shut up!" Angry and embarrassed, Vegeta turned and flew away.

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Vegeta shuddered in a delayed reaction as he flew. He really thought he was going to die. He couldn't deal with any more time in hell, and the thought of returning terrified him.

~~I'll bet he is disappointed you lived.~~

--He was trying to help.-

~~He wanted to hear the little monkey prince beg.~~

As he flew he kept questioning himself, doubting the intelligence in what he meant to do. Would it be so hard, so dangerous for him to trust Kakarott? He wanted to - but the other man was so much stronger than him - if he wanted to be like Zarbon and abuse that trust, he would have no defense.

He had never really looked inside himself at what he had gotten from the other from their fusion. He had compared himself to Kakarott and found himself wanting - but he had never examined what he had learned about him. What if…? He reached for the memories he had locked away and reviewed them.

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Even with the ki the Namek gave him, he was sweating and worn out by the time he reached Kakarott. The younger Saiyan was kneeling, eyes closed. Vegeta watched his tail twitching in agitation and was again tempted to capture it and soothe the bristling fur.

He moved to stand in front of him, looking down at the wild spikes of hair. One hand reached out to touch the dark hair, it's color so much like Radditz'.

"Kakarott," he whispered, one gloved finger trailing over the unkempt strands.

Goku's eyes snapped open in shock. He hadn't felt Vegeta approach. His eyes narrowed and he barely bit back a growl as he realized that the prince smelled and felt like Piccolo. He fought with the unexplainable urge to go beat the Namek for daring to touch his prince.

He was distracted from his ruminations to realize the prince was watching him closely - afraid? He blinked up in confusion. "Vegeta?"

Vegeta let his hand drop to his side and closed his eyes. He felt so lost - his strength, his ki, his family, even his pride had abandoned him. The voice continued fighting him, trying to make him change his decision. The battle went on and on - he couldn't trust him - he wanted to trust him - he would take advantage of him… He didn't care anymore - he needed… all he felt sure of was that Kakarott wouldn't kill him…

Goku waited in silence, feeling Vegeta's turmoil. He had sworn he would stop reading his prince's feelings so much, but he found it nearly impossible to shut him out. He didn't understand why Vegeta had followed him here. He was confused because he felt no anger coming from him - only fear, sorrow, and loneliness…

" Kakarott - I…I lied," he said hesitatingly. He kept his eyes closed, unwilling to see the other man's rejection. "Radditz…was my…friend."

Goku's was in disbelief. He knew how proud Vegeta was - to make an admission like this had to cost him.

Vegeta opened his eyes to search Kakarott's face for the reaction he feared. It wasn't there - he was just…listening. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes again, head bowed.

"Frieza was…cruel… Radditz…took care of me…after…" he said quietly, struggling to force the words out. "He was the only person I ever…trusted."

Goku heard the layers behind the words and knew there was more that Vegeta wasn't saying. Vegeta was shivering; his brow tight and lined and he ached with remembered pain. He watched the prince's tail wrap tighter around his waist in protection and his own twitched in sympathy.

"When I…was old enough…he…we…" He fell silent. He couldn't say it. He had never said the words, even to himself. The emotion was more than he could ever deal with, threatening his barely maintained control.

"You were lovers," Goku said softly, his tail gently looping around Vegeta's arm.

Vegeta opened his eyes to stare at the velvet brushing against his skin, then dazed, nodded his head. "It wasn't… allowed…it had…to be a secret."

He sank to the ground, no longer having the strength to stand. "We hid it from everyone - even Nappa - for years. Frieza would have…tortured…killed…"

Goku stared at his prince, amazed. He hadn't seen him anything like this since he had died on Namek. Vegeta was *supposed* to be proud, not this sad, broken person in front of him - and he was the cause. "Vegeta, I'm sorry…"

Vegeta just shook his head. He was so tired, but he couldn't stop. He *had* to make Kakarott understand. "Just before he came here - Frieza found out. He would have… suffered…before he was killed. He knew that. It was better… better…that he…died in battle."

::He doesn't blame me?:: Goku reached out and put his hand on the prince's shoulder, wanting to touch him - to comfort him. He felt Vegeta flinch under his fingers and began to pull back, only to have his hand held in place by a chestnut tail coiling around his wrist.

"He would have… died… no matter… what." He sagged, exhausted, too tired and weak to continue.

"Vegeta!" Goku caught him as he collapsed, Vegeta's head resting on his shoulder. He carefully slid his other hand free of the now limp tail and teleported them home.

He gently lifted his prince, shocked at how light he seemed. Vegeta seemed so fragile, shivering in his arms. He was angry with himself - how could he have missed this?

It was his duty - no, he *wanted* it to be his duty - to protect Vegeta - even from himself. He inhaled the fragrance of his prince - heat and fire to match the flames that normally burned behind his eyes. But also present was the scent of fever, a chill sweat making him clammy.

He raised his ki slightly, passing some to the prince, trying to warm him with his aura as he carried his charge to Vegeta's room. Vegeta muttered incoherently as he carefully laid him on the bed.

Goku caressed Vegeta's cheek with his tail as he stared down at him with concern. Even though he was barely conscious, he could feel Vegeta's fear, but didn't understand its cause. ::Later. Get him warm first.::

He moved away from the bed to go through the dresser, looking for something warmer for Vegeta to wear. After some searching he found some sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"Vegeta," he said softly, sitting on the side of the bed. "You're sick - running a fever. I need to get you out of those damp, sweaty clothes." He didn't know if the prince could hear or understand him right now, but he felt better telling him what he was doing. He was pleased to notice that Vegeta seemed calmer when he spoke. "I'm going to put dry clothes on you, okay?"

He carefully lifted Vegeta up to remove the clinging shirt. "I need to take your shirt off." He had never realized how scarred the prince was, since he usually wore a top that covered the worst ones. Some looked like they should have been fatal, and he wondered how Vegeta got them, although he was afraid he knew the answer.

Vegeta shifted, trying to escape his gentle hold, shaking and making a fearful moan.

"Shhh, it's okay Vegeta," Goku said soothingly, trying to put the t-shirt on him. "You're safe. No one will hurt you." He finally got it on and stroked the prince's hair, purring. After a few minutes, Vegeta's trembling eased enough for Goku to begin working on his tight pants.

He had barely begun removing them when Vegeta froze and Goku was nearly over-whelmed by a spike of panic from the prince.

"Vegeta?" he asked, worried. "What's wrong? I'm not going to hurt you."

He barely heard Vegeta's whispered plea, "Don't kill me."

::Kill him? Why would I…?:: "Vegeta, I won't…" he began, but it soon became apparent that Vegeta wasn't hearing him, just pouring out his terror.

"Do whatever…want…don't…want to die…again…no more…don't kill…" Vegeta was nearly babbling, his eyes tightly closed, a tear escaping to roll down his cheek.

Goku felt Vegeta's horror drilling into him, and he knew he was in danger of becoming crippled by the same fear that was paralyzing his prince. He had to do something to snap him out of it.

"Vegeta!" he growled, shaking him once, trying to get his attention. "Open your eyes! Look at me!"

The prince struggled to escape his grasp, moaning in fear.

Goku released his hold and looked at him helplessly. "Please Vegeta. It's me - Kakarott. I won't hurt you. I promise," he pleaded, caressing the prince's face with his tail.

Vegeta stopped fighting, inhaling his captor's scent. He slowly opened his eyes to stare up at him. "Kakarott?"

Goku smiled in relief. "Yeah - Kakarott. I'm not going to do anything to hurt you Vegeta. I promise."

"Wha…?"

Goku showed Vegeta the sweatpants. "You're sick, Vegeta. I'm just trying to put some warmer clothes on you. Nothing else. Okay?" He put his hands on Vegeta's waistband again, staring into the prince's black eyes, watching carefully for his reaction.

He felt Vegeta's body tense up, but the prince did not protest as he carefully undressed him. "After this," he said, not breaking the stare as he quickly replaced the pants, "you are going to sleep for awhile."

Vegeta continued to watch him, wide-eyed, as Goku walked around the room, closing the curtains, making the room dark. He didn't resist as Goku covered him with a blanket and brushed his tail against his cheek.

Goku made a surprised gasp and felt a thrill of fear when Vegeta gently wrapped his hand around the retreating appendage, not causing pain, but making him stop. He was speechless when the prince brought the black tail to his nose to inhale the scent. Vegeta's emotions were so confused right now, and his gentle fingers brushing through the fur were making Goku's mind shut down.

Goku was shocked to hear himself purr at the contact, and even more surprised to hear an answering purr from the prince.

"Vegeta…"

"Stay?" Vegeta softly asked, putting his free hand on the bed next to him.

Goku nodded, smiling. He toed off his boots and slipped under the covers. He was delighted when the prince curled up next to him, resting his head on his chest. Goku protectively wrapped his arms over Vegeta and wound his tail around his waist, purring him to sleep.

TBC

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Poor broken Vegeta - and I haven't even finished with him yet. No one has come close yet to figuring it out.

I'm hoping the lack of reviews on the last chapter was due to the holidays. Come on people - feed the muses! Give 'em some chocolate. Hmmm…. Maybe I should slow down my updates? (Since I posted Chapter 13 only a few days ago - on Christmas.) More lemon in a chapter or two - depends on how willing my muses are.

Kahlan Nightwing - Zarbon nearly crippled Vegeta, which is mentioned in Chapter 9. I don't plan on any mpregs for this story. I have enough angst and pain planned without that. *g* For the time being, I'm not going to write the Chichi/handcuffs chapter. Maybe I'll add it later - but I decided to spend the time getting the boys together.

Suisheu - Ah yes, the drugging…*evil grin* … bad Frieza, bad Frieza.

My short drabble - Popsicle - is basically this version of Goku and Vegeta in the future. I've also written two other stories - Pound and Crime Doesn't Pay.

Help! Help! I'm looking for a subtitled version of Movie 12 - with Goku and Vegeta's fusion. Does anyone know where I can get it or download it?