Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ MST-Suicidal Rant ❯ One-Shot

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So you've decided to kill yourself.

Goku: When?

Trunks: When Cell started to inflate.

Goku: Oh yeah . . .

Chances are you've thought long and hard about your decision.

Goku: Not really . . .

Vegetta: Thought? You? HAH!

But is suicide really the best answer to life's problems?

Vegetta: Ya betcha!

Gohan: If life's problems are all within the blast radius.

Trunks: And not made of Bubble Yum.

Possibly. Below are 4 myths about suicide.

Gohan: Takedees, the Roman god of taking 50 sleeping pills.

Vegetta: Self destructing will kill your opponent. Ever.

Goku: Death is bad.

Trunks: Death is permanent.

1) IT'S A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.

Gohan: It's not even permanent! Dragonballs, dipshit!

Vegetta: But it does solve problems.

Trunks: They mean YOUR death, dad.

Vegetta: What? Oh . . . never mind then.

Sometimes. But who's to say your problems are really temporary?

Goku: My right hand as it smashes itself repeatedly against my problem's spine.

This is the tricky part.

Gohan: Put tab A into slot B and hold it until the glue dries.

Sure, your suicidal ideation might be just a logical reaction to some insurmountable problems.

Trunks: Depending on what the fuck "ideation" means.

Vegetta: If a problem is insurmountable, just train harder.

Goku: Not to mention that MY problems tend to kill me if they are insurmountable

Or you might not be thinking rationally, might not be putting things into perspective.

Gohan: You might not have a month to think about it before Cell blows up the planet!!!

Perhaps you're downright crazy.

Vegetta: But the voices say I'm just fine.

All: (stare at Vegetta)

Vegetta: WHAT!?!

But if you were crazy, how would you know?

Gohan: Are you wearing your shoes on your head?

Vegetta: Do you have long conversations with fire hydrants?

Trunks: Do you wear a tin foil hat?

Goku: Are you obsessed with being stronger than somebody else?

Vegetta: Hey! Watch it Kakorot!

Instead of offing yourself at the first moment your death wish hits, I suggest you wait a bit.

Trunks: Offing? What a GREAT word that isn't!

Vegetta: How long does it really take to figure out that the next dimension is EXACTLY the same as this one?

If things seem rosier in the future, you can always change your mind.

Gohan: And kill yourself THEN.

On the other hand, if you're pushing up daisies you'll never have that opportunity.

Goku: I don't get that euphemism at all . . .

Vegetta: I think I do . . . since SOMEBODY buried me on Namek!

Goku: I think that was me . . .

One way to tell if you're crazy is to try some anti-crazy pills,

Trunks: Anti-crazy . . .

Gohan: Don't even bother.

also known as anti-depressants and anti-psychotics.

Goku: Anti- . . . what?

Gohan: The little yellow ones.

If being thus drugged changes your feelings about life,

Vegetta: Drugged? Sounds like somebody slipped them into your Nestle Qui-- . . . uh . . . Whiskey.

much (if not most) of your misery was caused by craziness,

Trunks: But definitely not ALL of it.

Gohan: She's a goth, some of it must have come from the dark lord Satan or something . . .

Goku: Aw, he isn't THAT annoying . . .

or in more technical terms, a mood disorder.

Trunks: Dr. Goth is showing off her mad psychology skillz.

If one of these drugs doesn't work, try another one.

Vegetta: Go ahead, they're cheap . . .

Gohan: Take two, they're small.

Go ahead, you can always off yourself later.

Trunks: There's that oh so un-wonderful word again.

I've personally tried about a dozen, with absolutely no response.

Goku: Try mixing them! A blue and a red is almost as good as TWO … purple … ones … WHAT!?!

All: (staring at Goku)

Of course, if your problems are caused mainly by shitty life circumstances, these drugs probably won't help.

Vegetta: So THAT'S the problem!

Trunks: You mean . . . my depression is linked to living in a post-apocalyptic war-zone waiting for the androids to finally end my suffering?

Try ecstasy, cocaine, or heroin (just kidding).

Gohan: I think the just kidding goes at the end of the whole paragraph.

Trunks: I think it goes at the end of each paragraph!

As many people have probably already told you, try to hang in there.

Vegetta: Actually it's more like, "Hang in th-AAAGH!", and then they start smoking.

Goku: Smoking is a revolting habit.

Vegetta: Not for craters.

But what if you've been "hanging in there" for years?

Trunks: Then your arms are probably very tired.

Gohan: Ba-dum CHING!

Vegetta: What the FUCK was that?

Are good times really just around the corner?

Goku: I hope so! Their onion rings are great!

Possibly, but the odds are definitely stacked against you.

Trunks: Yeah, it's probably a Burger King.

Goku: (grumbling) . . .big kids meal my ass . . .

There is no rule that if you hang around long enough, things will magically change.

Gohan: Petrificus Totalus!

Goku: Ala peanut butter sandwiches!

Trunks: Fanficus finitos! . . . damn!

Vegetta: Virgo . . . damn!

In this case suicide might, indeed, be the logical choice.

Gohan: If you haven't ODed by now . . .

2) YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WILL NEVER GET OVER YOUR DEATH, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU EVIL BASTARD.

Vegetta: Flattery will get you nowhere!

Gohan: Yeah right *snicker*

Goku: You weren't traumatized by my death?

Gohan: Being abducted by Pic-- . . . did you just say "traumatized"?

The first part might well be true, but chances are your family will survive without you.

Vegetta: Damned unlikely.

Trunks: I think I'd do okay . . .

Gohan: Vegetta, in his timeline, you're ALREADY DEAD!

In fact, if the circumstances prompting your suicidal ideation are permanent, they'll probably be better off without you.

Vegetta: Especially if said circumstances were nearby, and flammable.

Trunks: Not necessarily, it depends on your definition of "ideation".

If you're my age, 23, you might conceivably live another 40 years (I know, 63 is less than the average lifespan, but chronic stress tends to shorten ones life).

Gohan: Being a whiner is stressful?

Vegetta: You should know . . .

That's 40 years your friends/family will have to put up with your whining and complaining.

Goku: Not to mention feed you.

If your permanent circumstances include being unemployable,

Gohan: Based on the help at McDonalds, NOBODY is unemployable.

that's 40 years your family will have to put up with you living in their home, or giving you a little $$ here and there if you live independently, assuming they aren't cheap bastards of course.

Vegetta: Which might contribute to your suicidal ideation.

Trunks: GAH! NOT THAT WORD AGAIN!

If you're REALLY unlucky, that's 40 years of your family making weekly visits to see you in the insane asylum.

Vegetta: WEEKLY!?!

Trunks: I take it I'd be lucky to get alternate birthdays?

Vegetta: *snort* damned lucky!

I spent a year and a half there once.

Goku: The food sucked.

Gohan: My roommate wouldn't leave me alone.

Trunks: They made me wear a weird shirt.

Vegetta: . . . sounds like my house . . .

It was a pain in the ass for my parents to drive to.

Gohan: PRIORITIES? Hell no!

My second point is that you are NOT responsible for peoples' reaction to your death.

Vegetta: Unless it causes them to be vaporized.

You have the right to self-determination*.

Goku: What a pretty little star.

Announcer: I'm moving the footnote to make the format less confusing.

Vegetta: NOTHING could make this less confusing.

*the one exception I make to this is in the case of dependent children.

Vegetta: Does it count if they are from another timeline?

Gohan: No super saiyan is ever "dependant".

But I'm not going to get moralistic here.

Trunks: You need to be careful not to do that when discussing THE VALUE OF SENTIENT LIFE!

Announcer: That was the end of the footnote. I left an asterisk to show where it was originally.

Vegetta: Why in the FUCK should we care?

If you want to kill yourself, please don't feel guilty.

Gohan: I'm sure you'll forgive you in a week or so.

Trunks: Or, just use multiform to kick your own ass!

Other people will try to make you feel guilty about your intentions, telling you you're selfish for hurting them.

Vegetta: It comes out like, "You're selfish for hur-AAAGH! GIVE ME BACK MY ARM!"

In actuality, they're being selfish for wanting you live out the rest of your natural lifespan in abject misery just so they won't feel bad.

Trunks: So kill them first so you can BOTH go to the next dimention.

The loss they'll feel if you kill yourself is minimal in comparison to the amount of misery you'd probably endure living for them.

Gohan: That makes so much lack of sense.

*

Goku: Here's where that footnote was. Ready? 1 … 2 … 3!

All: (stand up and wave their arms in the air, saying in a deadpan voice) Hooray …

3) THE WORLD NEEDS YOU, SOCIETY NEEDS YOU, AND YOUR DEATH DIMINISHES US ALL.

Gohan: STOP SHOUTING!

Vegetta: What she meant was, "Who'll fight the next space-loser who's all bitter and destructive because it's creator dresses it funny and didn't give it any sex organs?"

In a very general sense, your death makes the world a better place to live in.

Goku: That directed at anyone in particular?

By being alive, you're using up valuable natural resources, resources which cannot be replaced at the rate you consume them.

Trunks: Woah, not even I eat that much!

Vegetta: She means the cars we don't drive `cause we fly.

Gohan: (Nodding) And the electricity we don't use out in the mountains.

Goku: And the underwear we don't . . . um . . . never mind.

You're also generating all kinds of waste which cannot be assimilated back into the natural environment.

Vegetta: Somebody had a little too much Mexican food this morning…

For a more detailed look into this reason for killing yourself, check out: http://www.enviroweb.org/coe/

Gohan: I find it a little hard to believe that this link is going to promote suicide…

Trunks: We got to this page from a link…

As for how your suicide will hurt society, it probably won't unless you're some high-achiever who's actually contributing to it.*

Goku: You mean besides saving it every 20 minutes?

* Of course, not all high-achievers make the world a better place.

Goku: What an odd place for a footnote.

Vegetta: Goddamn announcer fucking around again…

Remember Hitler? His suicide was no loss to the world.

Gohan: This from a gothic?

Vegetta: She's a preppie in goth's clothing! GET HER!

Trunks: Uh…she's not here dad.

If that's the case, please re-examine your suicidal ambitions - your standards are probably too high.

Gohan: I don't think `ambitions' was exactly the right word to use there.

Vegetta: I think `ambitions' was exactly the wrong word to use there!

Trunks: `Ideation' would be worse.

Goku: Or `Mississippi'.

If you're not some prominent figure, society doesn't give a rat's ass about you.

Trunks: Always good to hear…

If your problems are so bad you can't support yourself financially and/or are in and out of psych hospitals, it will breathe a sigh of relief when you're gone.

Gohan: Except for the fact that we have established that society has no fucking idea who you are!

Vegetta: I can just see the headlines: "Random nut job kills her useless self! Celebration in the street and free paper hats!"

I've chocked up somewhere in the area of $700,000 in mental health expenses, the majority of it billed to my provincial government.

Goku: Provin…what?

Vegetta: AHA! SHE'S CANADIAN! NOW I GET IT!!!

Trunks: Jesus, Dad, racist any?

Vegetta: Just a bit…stupid hosers.

I bet those taxpayers would have preferred that I saved them the expense.

Vegetta: Bloodthirsty Canadian taxpayers…

Trunks: (hides his face in shame)

Goku: Wow, Vegetta, is there a personality flaw you don't have?

Vegetta: (Thinks for a moment) I'm not you.

Gohan: Ah, touché!

That money could have actually been used to HELP some people instead of being thrown down the toilet.

Gohan: Damn thing gets all clogged up.

*

4) GOD'S GONNA SEND YOU TO HELL.

Goku: Hell? What the hell is that?

Gohan: Anglo-Christian ideation of the HFIL.

Trunks: (spasms)

Sorry to break it to ya, but there is no god. And you're already in hell, right?

Vegetta: (Looks around) Yup!

Goku: Um…then who was I playing go fish with last week?



SO WHY DON'T I KILL MYSELF?

Vegetta: By all means!

Goku: Don't let us stop you!

Okay, I've admitted my life is hopeless and given many fine reasons why it is best to end a hopeless life.

Gohan: Now let's visit the neighborhood of make believe! Look! Ex the Owl is smoking crack!

All: (stare at Gohan)

Gohan: WHAT!?!

There are many reasons I have not yet made that final exit.

Goku: I missed my turn.

Vegetta: I didn't have change for the tollbooth.

Trunks: I don't even have a car.

Gohan: Trunks! You took mine! Son of a…

One reason is incompetence - I have tried a few times.

Gohan: What the fuck? Announcer, please leave the MSTing to us.

Announcer: Don't look at me, that's genuine.

Vegetta: No shit? Huh…

Another is fear of pain; the most successful suicide methods tend to be the most painful.

Goku: Um…no.

Trunks: Yeah, pulling your brains out through your ass hole with a red hot garden rake almost never works.

Yet another reason is that I harbor some bizarre, unrealistic hope that things might magically get better

Vegetta: A Canadian preppie-goth with hope! I thought it was just a legend!

(I know, send me some anti-psychotics to quash that crazy idea).

Trunks: Only if you promise to take the whole bottle at once.

Vegetta: My foot is a suppository anti-psychotic!

And I have my dependents, three small birds.

Goku: Wow, she's staying alive for the sake of three birds?

Vegetta: Not just any birds, small birds!

But I think the thing that really keeps me going relates back to Suicide Myth #3,

Gohan: Oh don't tell me, this is the part where she claims to be Mother Theresa!

and my response that most suicides make the world, and society, a better place to live.

Goku: There's two directions she could go with this…

Vegetta: All heil the Canadian preppie-goth leader of the universe!

I don't WANT to make the world a better place for my fellow man.

Gohan: Aha! She's a villain! We can pound her now!

Vegetta: Canadian was good enough for me.

Trunks: (Trying to hide under the seat)

I HATE my fellow man.

Goku: I think she's a kindred spirit to you, Vegetta!

Society made me the way I am, so I am going to make society pay.

Goku: (Friesa) I'll make this whole planet suffer!

Gohan: (author) I'm going to write shitty rants like this one!

$930 a month in disability payments that is.

Trunks: SHIT! You make that just for being crazy!?!

Vegetta: That's Canadian money.

I know, it's not a lot of money, but every little bit counts.

Goku: How much is a lot of money for doing nothing?

Many of my province's taxpayers would probably argue that I'm just a lazy sloth and should either get a job or check out.

Vegetta: Well far be it from me to agree with a Canadian but…

Gohan: Vegetta your starting to piss me off.

The ones who argue this the loudest are the same arrogant, charismatic, manipulative types

Goku: I thought charismatic was a good thing.

(these folks have a tendency to sneak into the higher tax brackets)

Gohan: Sneak into higher… what the hell?

Vegetta: They're Canadians. Just smile and nod and pretend it makes sense.

who plunged me into suicidal despair in the first place.

Goku: How did they do that?

Strange how they like to abdicate responsibility for their own creation - after all, their original intentions were to destroy me.

Goku: How Gero-esque.

Trunks: He abdicated responsibility all over the laboratory floor.

Gohan: These evil charismatic Canadians set out specifically and maliciously to destroy preppie-goth?

Vegetta: I would.

I guess they're just pissed off that I haven't offed myself yet.

Gohan: Think she used the word off enough there?

Trunks: I off they're off pissed off that off haven't offed offself off.

Liked my rant? Sign my guestbook. Hated it? Fuck off, I get enough negative feedback already.

Vegetta: I don't think there could BE enough negative feedback for that crime against god, man, and grammar.