Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Onnafied ❯ This is ridiculous ( Chapter 30 )

Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will.

 

Bardock: Miya, you realize this is the week before your finals right?

 

Miyanon: Oh bugger off. People think I'm dead for crying out loud. I'm really close to it actually. Believe it or not. I worked 53 hours at work last week and I had two exams and a paper due too! It's insane! I hate my schedule~!

 

Bejita: -smacks Miya over the head- Calm down, girl. It's all over with now.

 

Miyanon: -giggles insanely- Yes…yes, it is. Isn't it?

 

B&B: -stare-

 

~0000oooo0000~

 

Vegeta saw spots flitting before his eyes from the sudden backlash of pure white. Massaging his eyes, it took a while before he could actually see straight, simply following the younger saiyajin towards his parents.

 

Where was this place?

 

And he wasn't exactly enthusiastic to see his parents, realizing they had both planned this whole “turn Kakarot into a girl fiasco,” especially a certain royal twit who messed around in his mind. Finally his vision was coming back to him, but not soon enough to bump into Kakarot's back when she suddenly came to a stop. Squinting his eyes, the prince was able to make out a mess of people in front of him. Including two winged creatures that looked a hell of a lot like…

 

Vegeta's eyes went wide and he blinked at the distorted image before him. A pinch to his side didn't hurt either.

 

Reality confirmed. His parents were wearing white robes and had angel wings.

 

“@!&^#$%&&#$%” he screeched in a language neither native to Earth or Saiya.

 

Goku could only stare at the duo in amazement, “Wow~ you never told me that your parents were angels, Vegeta. I mean…isn't it kind of weird? Are you the black sheep or something?” However, her surprised subsided when she gazed more closely upon the taller, goateed saiyajin. Something about him…just made her stomach curl unpleasantly. It really didn't help that he was directly avoiding her gaze, opting to whistle and stare up at the pure blue sky.

 

“What the hell- Why are you dressed like that?!” the prince demanded advancing upon the royal pair. “I thought you were down in-” He was immediately caught and smothered by his two heavenized parents before he could damn them. “MMmmMHHh!!” His curses came out as an angry buzz as he fought to wrestle himself out of his mother's arms about his waist and the combo head-lock-face-smother that his father was pulling.

 

“My dear boy, whatever are you talking about?” Bejita asked with a wide, toothy grin, squeezing his son's neck even tighter. Vegeta glared at him venomously and huffed. Fine, you old fart, I'll keep it a secret. Upon the unspoken agreement, the king released his son and patted him on top of the head. His eyes scourged Vegeta's person, evaluating him as he stroked his goatee. “Well it's been a while since I've actually seen you in person. You seem stunted.”

 

“WHAT?! How dare you say that you- ERK!” Vegeta flailed futilely, still trapped in Queen Ruby's arms. “Mother! Release me at once!”

 

However, the saiyajin queen easily ignored the plea. “Veggie-chan, just indulge me a little. I haven't been able to hold you for half a century,” she asked, her hands gently curling fistfuls of her son's shirt. Almost instantly, Vegeta's struggling ceased and he sighed heavily for pure show. It was…actually nice to see his parents safe and sound. And while this blaringly white place wasn't ideal, at least they were out of Hell. (Though HOW they got out was still a completely mystery to him.) Then his hard eyes set upon the people he had already noticed, but denied their existence as he was busy “meeting” his parents. Goku was already engaged in conversation with the motley lot. They included what looked like a holy host of angels who were more like whithered old bats with white wings. There was also the Grand Kai, the ruler of fighter heaven. King (North) Kai was there too, just for the hell of it.

 

“…through these signs, we suspect that Greater Hell and HFIL lead under Satan himself, and I don't mean Hercule, are conspiring to surmount an attack against Upper Netherworld!” King Kai finished, panting after what must have been a long, arduous explanation. Vegeta's subject merely stared at the little blue man, still in the middle of processing the overcomplicated information. Wait, something wasn't right, the prince thought, giving the group another glance. If his parents were here, then shouldn't Bardock be here as well? Why was he missing?

 

“I don't get it,” Goku sighed, crossing her arms and tilting her head in a typical confused Son fashion. “Why does the devil need to kidnap an angel? What could that possibly accomplish?”

 

Kidnapping! Vegeta's eyes widened with surprise and he looked to his parents for confirmation. Their faces were solemn, though he knew saiyajin and his parents well enough to see the underlying guilt and rage. It was one of their own. And the only other one of their own that was up here was Bardock… As the realization dawned on him, the prince's face went carefully blank. He wasn't quite sure what to do first- Scream and jump for joy, or makeout with Kayka.

 

…Oh wait, the making out was off the list until the two settled their differences.

 

One of the angels began to speak. A runt of an alien, who had the letters MM strapped around his right arm. “There are four ways for the fallen angel to invade Heaven. One would be to lay siege, which is impossible and stupid since Heaven is self-contained and self-reliant. Another would be to storm Heaven by force, however our natural defenses would take millennia to work through and we'd notice it long before they'd get through. Then there's just waiting for Judgement Day, but that's a long way off and their activities seem to indicate only the short term. Forth is for Hell's legions to simply walk through the front gate.”

 

Both Goku and Vegeta nearly jolted. Laughing lightly, Grand Kai explained the general's statement, “Angels can open the gates of Heaven to exit and enter whenever they want. They never do because they can simply travel as ethereal beings to their destinations. And frankly it's dangerous to open the gates because anything and I mean ANYTHING can get through.” The fighting master stroked his long silvery beard as he continued, “Simply put, the devil can simply pluck a freshly caught angel, bedazzle the poor fool and then make him open the gate. However, there is a problem in this, because in order to make the angel open the gate willingly, Lucifer has to make him a fallen angel. This sets off a “fallen timer” when the angel transforms into a demon. Of course, that means there's a very limited time that can be used for that angel to open the gates.”

 

“So what are we doing here then?” the prince demanded, finally peeling himself from the clingy Ruby.

 

“Oh, we just want you to help out when Furiza, Cell, the Ginyuu Force, and various other villains invade, such as all the evil forces that have ever existed as well as all occupants of Hell, and HFIL, and all the demons and devils and whatever else you can possibly think of,” King Kai replied sarcastically.

 

Vegeta blinked, once, twice. “I call dibs on Furiza!” he cried at almost the exact same instant as his father, beating him by just a nanosecond.

 

“DAMN!” Bejita hissed, slapping a palm into his hand. Ah well, there's always King Kold.

 

Wait, does this mean I have to fight Coora AGAIN? Goku thought to herself, utterly amazed at the idea.

 

~0000oooo0000~

 

This is ridiculous.

 

The army of angels and heavenly fighters armed to the teeth were simply swarmed up together, lounging as far as the eye could see in the gargantuan courtyard that lay around the gates of Heaven. Rather than a gate, it seemed like a round trapdoor surrounded by marble tiling. It's still impressive though, Vegeta thought, as he stood watch (more like sat watch) over the area. If nothing else, the sheer mass of the gates would draw anyone's vision towards it, making Vegeta wonder how any normal pansy-assed angel could even nudge the thing rather than open it. Its golden representations and runes were also a sight to behold, depicting clashes between Heaven and Hell, with what looked like Enma's castle stuck in between, which inevitably was destroyed.

 

As impressive as the thing was, the prince was still annoyed by his situation. One - he was simply WAITING for Bardock to be corrupted, so that the saiyajin could open the door to Heaven. At least I don't have to wait long. Two - he was stuck keeping watch on a cloud of all things. Three - it was a two man job, so of COURSE the object of all his venom for the past day was stationed with him. Four - said object of his venom was currently laughing her ass off at his wings. Oh yeah, and Five - he had angel wings pasted to his back.

 

The sight of Vegeta in angel wings was almost too much for Goku to beat. However, the prince of all saiyajin could only afford her a cold look as she pounded the fluffy cloud floor in fits of laughter. We're not friendly enough for you to mock me, he thought at her. Obviously, she didn't feel the thought since she took only one look at Vegeta before getting even more hysterical. They're not even real wings for gods' sakes, he sulked, not daring to voice his complaint aloud.

 

Since in wartime everyone in heaven had to have the uniform angelic white wings, Kami no Tsubasa were a product of Heaven for those that didn't want to be branded with the standard wings for the rest of eternity. They looked and felt like real wings, however they had no muscle in them to attach themselves and basically mutilate the shoulder blades (assuming you had any.) Of course, regular angel-angels, like his parents now, had to get permanent wings.

 

Annoyingly enough, Bejita didn't react to the news as Vegeta expected (or hoped.)

 

`What? They don't come off?!' his mother screeched, while Vegeta was being fitted with the paper wings.

The king shrugged his shoulders at it. `Oh well, can't really complain can we?' Then he ate a Philly steak and cheese sub.

 

To say that was anticlimactic would be a complete understatement. Apparently, getting a taste of Heaven and a lot of Hell had mellowed out his father. The thought was disturbing.

 

…And where in hell did he get an addiction to Philly steak and cheese?

 

Finally, Goku had calmed down enough to look at him at least, though her face was still quite red. Of course, the younger saiyajin looks perfect with her own paper wings. Still giggling, she wiped away the tears that had collected in her eyes. “I'm sorry, Vegeta, you look so cute.” Cute? “Sorry, sorry.” The prince sent her a chilling glare, that instantly reminded her of their conflict. Her eyes turned away and she whispered, “Sorry.”

 

“Hn,” Vegeta snorted, turning his gaze away from her and to the golden gates below. Pursing her lips, Goku bobbed up and down on her heels as she watched the lack of activity below. After only a moment, she changed positions and flopped on her belly and watched the host of angels below, wiggling her legs up in the air. Not even five minutes after that, she flipped over and then looked at the group below from an inverted perspective. And then right after that, she - “Dammit, Kakarot! Stop moving around, you're irritating me!” the prince snapped. Goku looked up at him with a cock of the head and then bounced up to a squat.

 

“But I'm bored.”

 

“I don't care,” he retorted, looking away.

 

Goku shifted again, feeling uncomfortable suddenly. Like anxiety was squelching bubbles in her stomach. Vegeta had much too suddenly turned back to his old prickly self, the one that was around before Buu came along. And that was a bad omen, since he did betray the whole lot of them by becoming a Majin.

 

“…Can we talk, Vegeta?”

 

“Talk about what, pray tell?” the sea urchin demanded.

 

The younger saiyajin's mouth formed a moue of anger, seeing as Vegeta didn't want to even come to Heaven in favor of working this out. But the grimace disappeared when she remembered that this was all her fault to begin with. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you,” she mumbled quietly.

 

“Oh? I thought you were in love with me. I thought that was a natural thing to do with someone you love and who loves you back,” Vegeta spat out bitterly, not daring to look at his ally in the eye. There was no way he could face the twit now without doing SOMETHING irrational.

 

Again, Goku's face went red with indignation. “Vegeta! It's not that simple!”

 

“Aren't you the one who always says, `Do what you feel is right?' Or are you just being a giant hypocrite!”

 

“So WHAT if I am! I'm allowed to make mistakes aren't I? I'm only human!”

 

The warrior prince flinched just in time for Goku to see that she had hit a nerve. Eyes narrow, Vegeta turned on the girl and growled in a low, quiet voice, “You are not human. And you will never be human. Stop tying to delude yourself and attempting to fit into those people's conforms.”

 

“Why not, if it kept me from becoming like you?” the younger saiyajin hissed with a viciousness foreign to her. The prince's eyes flashed with anger and his mouth set in a tight thin line as his teeth ground together. His leather gloves squeaked as his hands fisted into tight balls. I can't believe I just said that, Goku thought, surprised at her own words. It was a stupid, awful thing to say. I should take it back.

 

…But she just didn't feel like it.

 

Without a word, Vegeta stood up and stepped off the cloud, gliding away from her. He situated himself right over the gates and merely hovered there with his back to her. Good call, I don't want to see your sorry face either, Goku thought viciously, spinning around on top of her cloud and sulking.

 

Just a little aways, two other angels were doing their own watching duties. However, they were watching the wrong thing. “Oh for the love of-” Ruby started, glaring at the duo from her binoculars, while her mate ho-hummed by her side. “Those two are being complete numbskulls!” she ranted on. “Bejita, why don't you do something? They're your pet project aren't they?”

 

The king merely sighed. “I've done enough meddling. It's because of this whole mess that Bardock is in the clutches of the most evil of all things in the universe and we're just sitting here and waiting for him to be corrupted.”

 

“Honestly, Beji-kun, you don't know whether this turning Kakarot into a girl thing is what got him kidnapped,” she reasoned, though her instincts told her differently. “I mean, it's probably because Bardock didn't even want to be in Heaven in the first place, though I have no idea why. It wouldn't take long at all for him to be turned.”

 

“Ruby, I know from first hand experience that Bardock is not a kind of saiyajin who will ever submit,” Bejita huffed and took a swig of the liquor that he had at his disposal.

 

“…What kind of first hand experience did you have with him that involved submitting?” the queen demanded, suddenly very suspicious. Bejita stared at her blankly, then took another swig of his drink. Damn, Dockers is right, you really can't get drunk here. “Bejita, you answer me right now!”

 

“Honey, what's that?” the king asked suddenly, pointing over towards the gate.

 

“Don't you dare try to get out of this!” Ruby snapped, crossing her arms over her bosom.

 

“No, seriously. Look!” Despite herself, the queen glanced downwards, only to feel a dawning apprehension in her gut. Why did the golden doors look as though a sheet of gray muck had just been sloshed over them?

 

~0000oooo0000~

 

Bardock's tongue grazed over his growing incisors, drawing sweet, sweet blood into the back of his throat. It was a bad habit of bloodlust that saiyajin children were forced to grow out of since they could slice their tongues into ribbons when they got older. However, the former angel couldn't help himself. It probably had to do with pact with Ryuushifa, or Lucifer, that he made just a short time ago. His saiyajin bloodlust, growing even more potent. His canines resembled a carnivore's fangs. His white wings were blotched with mats of syrupy black tar. And of course he had a change in attire. Instead of the annoying gown, he was endowed with crimson and ebony armor that bore a striking resemblance to saiyajin armor. The cape was awesome though.

 

He knew he was just being used… But for some reason, he just didn't really care. Especially not when he was being treated like royalty, as he was being hauled in a special palanquin behind enemy lines (namely Enma's castle) up towards where the Gates of Heaven should be. No doubt that when this was all over, he was merely going to be discarded to all the rest of these wretches.

 

“Not necessarily, o' winged one,” came a sultry hiss from his companion. A being that could easily be mistaken for a saiyajin, save for the long straight black hair that defied gravity, and the ivory, flawless skin that no warrior possessed. And of course, the lack of a tail. Really, this six-winged fallen angel bore no resemblance to the tall tales that Bardock had heard about Satan. He was definitely not a half-goat man with red skin and a serpent tail with a goatee. That sounded more like Bejita compared to this bare-faced, inhumanely good looking thing. The only thing monstrous about him were his blackish claws, his three pairs of ebony wings, and the eyes in particular.

 

For some reason, nothing reflected in his eyes, as though they sucked in all the light that came into them.

 

Plus he could read minds.

 

“Why do you say that?” Bardock demanded, growing itchy where Lucifer's eyes traveled.

 

“Saiyajin, if you're going to be a fallen angel, you have to learn some vanity,” the Devil teased darkly. “I could use one such as yourself in my harem.”

 

Just then, the saiyajin felt like vomiting. He swallowed down the acidy bile that collected up in the back of his throat and grimaced openly. “I bet you're even dirtier than all you own,” he snapped, still queasy. Hell, some blood would be good right now to wash THAT down.

 

Smiling, Satan didn't reply, his lightless eyes narrowing on him. In one graceful motion, far too quick for Bardock to catch, the Prince of Darkness stroked the angel's cheek. Suddenly, Bardock found it hard to breathe, while the interior of the palanquin turned even hotter than a pyroclastic surge. Insufferable chills ran up and down his body, freezing and burning him all at once. Turning to Lucifer to demand an explanation, Bardock faced the most gorgeous being he had ever seen. The heat turned even worse as his quivering eyes roamed over the prince's lithe body. You beautiful bastard, the saiyajin thought, his mind suffering from lustful rage.

 

Without hesitation, Bardock grabbed the devil's neck and wrenched him into a hellfired kiss, his tongue groping every part of Lucifer's mouth. However, his subject became bored quickly and shoved the angel away. Instantly, every heated passion that stirred in the saiayjin's body vanished as sanity was restored in his mind.

 

Experimentally, Lucifer licked his upper lip where Bardock had actually bitten him in his frenzy. “Not bad,” he said calmly, as though he were tasting a new wine, “but a bit aggressive.”

 

Revulsion screamed from every bone in the saiyajin's body as he picked himself up and forced himself to face his seducer. Out of whatever favors left owed to him by God, the palanquin's motion ceased, signaling the end of the journey. Calmly, the devil stood, picking up the hem of his satin robe as he stepped out of the vessel. “slut,” he hissed, as he hovered out into the air, all six of his wings bearing the brunt of his heavy vices.

 

Bardock punctured a hole in his tongue and blood spilled into the well of his throat and dribbled down his chin, in the desperate act of washing away all of the nauseating taste from his mouth. I don't remember why I decided to join up with him, but it damn well better have been a good reason, he thought bitterly to himself as he stepped out of the palanquin.

 

At once he was greeted with a golden pair of doors as large as the base of a mountain. Struck dumb with seeing the Gates so close up, the saiyajin forgot about his self-disgust in favor of trying to find a way to take the entire thing in. How was he supposed to open this damn thing?!

 

A clawed hand touched his shoulder, making him recoil. “Come on now, everyone's waiting for you.”

 

Glancing behind him, Bardock took in the palanquin carriers, two pairs of purple bat-winged monstrosities deformed with wickedness. And just a short distance away were the front lines to an army that extended beyond the saiyajin's sight.

 

…He'd seen whole planets send their entire force at him before, but this was ridiculous.

 

“Do you think you brought enough?” he snarked saracastically. Receiving not a reply, but a shove, Bardock was faced once again with his daunting task. I JUST have to open the gates, huh? he thought, scowling at the doors. There had to be some other way to do this instead of bashing his head in against the thing. Then, the angel spotted a strange mechanism in the middle of the doorway. Bardock reluctantly flew towards it. Suddenly, he was assaulted again with a suffocation and heat not unlike what he had just experienced in the palanquin.

 

The saiyajin sent an accusing glare back at his master. However, his thoughts were still lucid at the sight of him and he could detect no mischievousness coming from supernatural being. Turning his attention back to the doors, Bardock determined that it had to be some sort of divine power. Ironic how it felt almost identical to Lucifer's.

 

So this is why you can't go anywhere near this door, he thought at the devil, who only confirmed his suspicions with a smirk. Having no choice but to plow through, Bardock prepared himself for the agony that awaited him.

 

It started as mere pinpricks, but then exponentially grew worse as he drew nearer. Hot roils oscillated through him and he had to bite his pathetic tongue again, just to keep himself from screaming in agony. It felt as though his skin was melting and he was being charbroiled alive in the rays of a white dwarf sun. Sweat and tears poured from him in rivers as he fought closer (assuming he still had skin) until finally he came to the tiny device that was killing him.

 

…A password lock. A PASSWORD LOCK?! Bardock would have screamed if he still had a functioning tongue. THIS was what had kept Lucifer at bay ever since before time even began?! Any respect that the saiyajin might have had for the devil vanished completely.

 

USER ID:

 

Tempted to sigh, the angel punched in his Angel HQ issued ID. All 40 numbers and letters. Sheesh, no wonder no one comes through this way, Bardock thought, in spite of feeling his brain roasting inside his skull. He punched in the last code and with an air of finality, he pressed the ENTER button. All the determination that had kept him going, suddenly departed and the saiyajin's eyes rolled up into his skull as he lost consciousness. He fell from the gates of heaven, right into the awaiting arms of Lucifer.

 

*******************PASSWORD ACCEPTED***************PLEASE LOCK THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY IN*************

 

~0000oooo0000~

 

B&B: ………

 

Miyanon: Well? What did you think?

 

B&B: YOU MADE US GAY, YOU CRAZY WENCH!

 

Bardock: -glares at Bejita- Made YOU gay? I'M the one who snogged the devil!

 

Bejita: That wasn't consensual! She made me imply that we had relations!

 

Bardock: …THAT JUST MAKES ME EVEN MORE GAY!

 

Bejita: Hellooo~ Did you not see how subdued I was! You were going all macho in this chapter!

 

Bardock: You weren't “subdued,” Ruby just has your ass whipped!

 

Bejita: Talk to the hand~

 

Bardock: -mouth gapes-

 

Miyanon: Aww~ How cute! You guys are arguing which one of you is the more homosexual one! I admire your courage for coming out of the closet!

 

Bejita: …WE ARE GOING TO-

 

Bardock: KILL YOU!

 

Miyanon: -coughs- Ah well, if you don't hear from me again, it'll probably be because I've been done in by these two once and for all. Now excuse me while I run for my life. -scampers off-

 

B&B: GET BACK HERE!