Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Perfection ❯ Chapter 12 ( Chapter 12 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Todesengel_ 
"Always the mystery, always five worlds away Goku."
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai / Horror / Psychological | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 05.08.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.0K | Visits: 411 | Status: Completed
"Always the mystery, always five worlds away Goku."
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai / Horror / Psychological | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 05.08.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.0K | Visits: 411 | Status: Completed
"Stay with me," He said suddenly, leaning up. "Stay with me, for a few weeks."
I made an awkward face, having not the faintest idea what I could possibly answer to that. It seemed the universe as I knew it was now one big chaotic puzzle and every piece was bent, lost or broken. I had been so sure that my perception of Kakarot was so cut and dry, the bad guy so obvious in this world as it had been in mine. But where was my beautiful black and white? Why was it suddenly feeling like I'd dove face first into an abyss of gray?
"The Sabbath begins tomorrow," He said, seeing my hesitance in this particular argument. I cocked an eyebrow at that, gesturing for him to explain. "16 days," He spoke in a solemn voice. "16 days to remember, to enjoy, to see the beauty we have all worked so hard to create."
I let him have his silence for the moment, wondering the significance of all this. And then it dawned on me, Krillin's familiar words coming to mind.
'Kakarot as he calls himself now, sat in that house with them for 16 days, more or less alone while they died. I guess it ruined him. Or whatever man he'd let himself be for so long.'
16 days huh? I understood the symbolism now, the need he had for this. 16 days they spent celebrating freedom, 16 days they spent loving and cherishing every minute they had to live and love with those they cared about. They would appreciate these 16 days more than any day of any time of the year and it was his gift to them. 16 days would always be precious.
I took a moment to weigh my options, my loyalty towards those that suffered Kakarot's reign slowly dwindling as I more and more came to attach myself to him.
"Fine," I nodded, watching his face light up. "Show me your world, show me what you've done. I want to see it all."
"And see it you shall," He smiled sweetly, though there was a wickedness to it. "Every last inch."
.....................
The days went by with a bliss I had only experienced once or twice in my lifetime. Days spent lazily, lounging about in the sun, drinking more than I have altogether in my existence. Kakarot was true to his word, showing me the means to which the earth now sustained itself.
No job was useless, none spent lost in the claustrophobia of a four foot cubical. Every person on the face of the earth had an ultimate purpose and hand in correcting the damage that had been done. Automobiles as they had once ruled were now selected only for those who's job description called for their use, and, of course, Kakarot himself was certain to have full access to anything his heart desired.
He showed me the ocean like I'd never seen an ocean before. I saw whales and creatures I'd never even heard of before, diving carefree beneath the depths of the surface, dolphins shrieking out their calls without fear. We stood over the great beaches and took in the complexity as though every detail was a simplicity, knowing that virtually, we had forever. These would never dry up, these would never be condemned to beer bottles, cigarette butts and plastic cans. I tell you beauty had never caught me so awestruck and silent as it did in those first few days and I would silently look over towards him, an unspoken gratitude in my eyes for his kindness, for his showing me these things I hadn't appreciated before.
And then, in the hardest of times, I would gaze across the expanse of the sea, seeing the sun kiss waves like stars glittering in the heavens and I would wish just for one moment that Vegeta could see all this; that it could be him standing beside me as we saw beauty that human words would never do justice. Those days were my most silent and in my ultimate sadness, Kakarot was as far from understanding me as ever.
Sometimes he would stare curiously into my pale eyes, remarking how strange it was that we were the same being yet two different universes would switch up our coloring so dramatically. I didn't want to tell him that as much as my coloring was an attempt to keep my power on alert, all the same, it was my physical need to visually separate us that spurned it the most.
"They look sad," he told me on the third day, cocking his head side to side as he took me in. "Your eyes I mean."
I glanced up at him, squinting in embarrassment.
"Yeah," He remarked softly. "Maybe it's just the coloring or I'm truly crazy. But they look distant, sad or something." He shrugged. "Guess maybe mine would look the same if I dyed my hair platinum."
Strange things would occur to me at even stranger times. I would watch his interaction with servants (he was actually more congenial than you might imagine) and I would think to myself that I felt absolutely no guilt over having explored myself sexually with him. I would stare at the beauty he possessed and I would recall the immaculate features of the prince and I didn't feel guilty. Was that justification? Was that my bringing up my anger at Vegeta and subduing it with Kakarot? Did I tell myself Vegeta deserved it when I honestly realized he probably wouldn't care regardless?
Busier days were a blessing and I felt my gratitude hit their ultimate high when a day's time would go by without the faintest thought of Vegeta. Yes, idleness was a curse when the only person you thought of was the one person in existence that probably hated you above any other.
We would lie in the quiet contemplation of the other, shirtless beneath a summer sun, fresh, cold drinks at our sides as we held our eyes shut. It seemed that everything in childhood that we'd taken for granted, we were reliving together. 16 days where the world rejoiced in its freedom and Kakarot and I would sunbathe for the better part of each afternoon. Such an odd idea. In showing me the world, he was just showing me my favorite past-times because he knew that they were his own. It gave him a power over me that made me smirk. Truly, he did know how to please me in every way.
Sexually, we were off limits to each other at the beginning of days, silently agreeing that the time for loose hormones and things of that nature were on a definite waiting period. Chemically, it was there and there was no real denying that. Every day it was like suffering a self inflicted horniness that only spurned massive stupidity. And he knew it. Hell, we both knew it. We would glance at each other almost shyly, grinning like complete assholes as we read each other's sexually depraved fantasies. I figured I must have been the most narcissistic psychopath for wanting to fuck myself so completely at damn near every ticking second of the clock.
I think we even teased each other, if there is such a thing as flirtatiously teasing yourself, as he would smile almost sadistically at me, climbing from his spacious pool and catching my obvious appreciation of him. I would let my eyes so unapologetically gaze down his bare torso, taking in every glimmering drop of water that reflected the sunlight like tears, tasting his salty flesh as they ventured downwards. Yes, to only be a drop of water in those moments!
I would even laugh at him, as I would spill alcohol (of which there seemed to be no end to) down the collar of my shirt, lifting the base to catch them and revealing the perfect abs underneath. I would grin wickedly as I caught him staring, his eyes rolling as he read my mind. 'Yes,' he'd nod wordlessly, 'I was staring.'
Still, I began to wonder where all of this would lead. We'd been intimidate, though we were giving each other a break at the moment, and that did mean something. I'd never been the type to wander nor to indulge in sexual escapades that didn't have a very real goal towards the end. So yes, maybe I had let loose from time to time as a teenager, perhaps even unknown to my friends and certainly unknown to ChiChi (as we hadn't married at that time) and let myself "sleep around" a bit. I hadn't been quite so innocent as everyone swore I must have been, meeting strangers and to a degree becoming involved.
But what did that mean for us? Was he the same way? Was intimacy reserved for those you wanted to include in future plans? Or had time so separated us that he saw me as nothing more than a means for sexual experimentation?
And then THAT of course would kick me in the shaft as I realized just how truly damaged I was. I had no faith in anything anymore, not even myself. I saw a man, the one man, that I most certainly COULD relate to and when I gazed into his flawless beauty, I was certain that he was none other than Vegeta himself. I had been used and humiliated, mocked and fucked and torn to pieces like a twelve-toed hooker. Did that hinder my trust in Kakarot? That he was beautiful as Vegeta had been beautiful and that inherited my distrust of him?
I'd fallen for a devil with an angel face and perhaps this break we silently held was a direct response to that. I couldn't trust anyone.
I realized many times, as we would explore caves and mountains together, that I was still living in my world. I'd leapt into this one and had so willingly accepted its flaws that now that I saw the truth, I couldn't let myself be here anymore. I just kept expecting that any day, I'd wake up and be back where I virtually wasn't wanted. My life routine was thrown off so much that even though everything in my past was bleak and stained, I wanted it back just because I could understand it. Now that I could grasp that there WAS something between us, I couldn't force myself to live it. Because it wasn't natural, it wasn't possible where I came from.
And please believe, between us, I kept thinking that Vegeta would be there. The constant in my life, friend, foe, lover or other, was gone now and I would cling to his memory, hugging the pillows of my bed tight.
Kakarot had been most gracious in this aspect, my reign of his home as free as his own, allowing me to choose whichever room I wanted to inhabit. I had wandered the castle for a while, clicking open doors to find reds and golds and every other colored room one could imagine. In the end though, I had decided upon a dark blue interior, the walls a shinning orange that oddly enough, didn't clash as horribly as one might expect. Kakarot had just nodded, not even hearing my decision on the matter.
He'd known I would choose that one.
As the days went by, our paradise and my own heaven of ignorance began to fade and I began to glimpse pieces of Kakarot that I hadn't been willing to see until they damn near peed in my face. Though he would take me to my room at night, whispering his farewells for a wonderful day, I knew he stayed up later than I. At the earliest hours of the morning I would feel his energy, as I had the first time ever seeing him, fluctuating dangerously. Track marks didn't fade in his finding me and the circles of black beneath the lids of his eyes only grew more intense.
He was the ultimate insomniac and though he called our meeting the "impossible miracle", the drugs hadn't ceased. Was I really expecting such? True, at that point, I'd never seen him use, in fact, didn't really even mention them. They were a simple fact that I'd grown to overlook, trying to will away memory and common sense as we spent the light hours rejoicing in our discovery of the other. But apparently, that wasn't enough.
My questions regarding Kakarot's intimacy issues were answered by the 9th day, as I so curiously couldn't sleep and sought him out. Though I was always in my transformed state, I had managed to keep my level low enough (through many hours of practice) to that which might resemble a steroid-induced human. I silently crept through hallways, a maze it seemed, seeking out his rapidly expanding and shrinking power level. It seemed to quiver at times and then rise at others and I cocked an eyebrow, following it.
The scent of sweat and immense heat raised to my nostrils and I nearly turned back, hearing noises that weren't exactly hard to decipher. Groans and sighs and gasps met my hearing, what sounded like a hundred people prying away at each other behind two large doors. Light crept between and underneath the frame, hitched breaths and sucking sounds making me step lightly.
Oh, I'd heard of orgies and as predictable as can be, I'd been often curious about the sheer mechanics myself but the idea of actually engaging in one? It was positively out of the question.
Yet even in the moment, my body began to react and I cursed being a male not for the first time. I was thankful for the leather bound pants that held me down, hearing the material creak as I moved forward, shirtless, through the doors. As the light expanded over the smooth planes of my chest, I took in sights that I hadn't figured in a thousand years I would ever come in contact with.
Hundreds of humans stacked up in the enormous hall, almost every one of them naked and gleaming with perspiration. Men and woman matched each other's breathing as they pummeled each others bodies mercilessly while watching other pairs doing the same thing. Women wore strap-ons, yanking the hair of MEN as they dove beneath the fleshy shields of the masculine body, a very warped thing to behold for someone as seemingly virginal as I felt at the moment.
Men and women were strapped to walls with barbed wire cords, screaming in ecstasy and pain as leather wrapped dominatrix's lashed over their bleeding skin with whips and chains and every other sort of flagellating tool imaginable. Sounds of vibrating dildos smacking against wet skin caught my attention and I gasped, seeing men dressed as women and women sporting masculine ties and cuffs as they poured into the other's body. Women grinned up at me from the mask of another woman's vagina, their tongues clicking over soft areas that made me instantaneously rock hard.
Just when I was certain the dreaded "blue balls" had caught me, I glanced over to see two men, their masculine bodies wet in the dull lighting, tearing at each other's clothes with absolute madness. Their human skin was interesting to behold, the seeming "flaws" making their appearance only that much more admirable as they kissed each exposed layer of mortal flesh they could get their lips around. I suddenly ached with the desire to join them, to show them the inhumane aspects that could make sex even more than the modern mind could fathom.
I wanted to levitate their bare bodies in the air, to fuck them over ceilings and pummel their skin into sky, to wrap my arms and rock against them as we tore through clouds and stared at glittering heavens. I was almost doubled-over with the desire, catching myself as my body tried to take me in that direction. Their beautiful tanned bodies and blonde hair thrust upwards, their throats exposed as their mouths lapped at the other's mouth; it was positively breath-taking.
My ascent towards them was stalled, however, when at the very base of everything, on a sort of stage even, I caught a glimpse of pale, white skin clashing with black features. Dark, drug stained eyes caught mine, rims and lids so red that they appeared to almost be bleeding. Clotted blood vessels stained yellowed eyes, the black pupil catching my own. My breath caught before I could release it, held within as I stared at Kakarot. His chest was wet with sweat, beads climbing down walls of muscle as he pitched his lower torso against the back side of a human male, causing a gasp and groan from the weaker being.
He stared at me and I realized how ugly this suddenly was, the entire hall filled with drug addicts and sexually deprived mortals enacting their sick fetishes with each other. He banged inside of the human, his hand grasping the hip until redness and blueness swelled the fragile skin, his other embedded in ebony locks of short hair. Still his eyes locked with my own as if saying that though he was with another, he was fucking me raw with each detached thrust.
Syringes and smoking pipes met my eyes as I tore them from his own, gazing around in understanding that made me ill. I hadn't seen the ugliness before. I suppose horniness had perpetually blinded me to it. Cocaine stained nostrils flared and the clatter of needles hitting concrete floor made me all but ill as I took it all in. I made a face, seeing a girl laying unconscious on the floor, double-teamed by men as blood leaked out of her nose.
Kakarot was oblivious to everything, his face still turned towards mine as he lifted his bottom half inside of the human, small bits of blood leaking from between quivering thighs. I realized that he probably didn't even recognize me, just a beautiful, half naked thing that had interrupted his party and caught his attention.
I scoffed as he stared long and hard at me, hurrying his thrusts as he neared the conclusion of his immorality, blood-shot gaze never leaving the beautiful figment that was me from his mind. I snorted in contempt, turning to leave him to it, hearing the nearness of his hitched-breaths, the hurried gasps that resembled my own to a nauseating identicalness.
I wondered quite instantly, that since he was me in every aspect, had I endured the circumstances he had, did that mean entirely that I was capable of everything he had done? I didn't want to think about the insane probability, leaving the room in a storm of irritation. What sickened me most I guess, was when I turned for one last peek, seeing that the man he drove inside of, had jet-black hair and a very pronounced widow's peak.
Yes, he was mourning Vegeta. He just didn't know it.
Days after, we spoke nothing of it and I silently wondered if he even remembered. Maybe it was best that he didn't, considering the lengths he went to in order to conceal his rampant drug addiction from me. I would see the flesh of his arms and cheeks shiver in moments of withdrawal, his hand in mine trembling at the end of the day. Cold sweat would bead on his forehead and his farewells were hushed and quick, his footsteps over the tile tremendously fast as he would leave me in my solitude.
Whispers of his latest sexual conquests would reach my ears from the servants, tales of up to one hundred persons having been with him in one night. His stamina was apparently unmatched and his appetite for the sadistic and grotesque legendary in itself. Rumors of torture chambers for the masochistic pierced my curiosity and I fought myself on more than one occasion to deny it. Perhaps I fought a growing animosity towards him NOT for the sick world he dove into every night but for the sheer hatred it caused towards myself. I knew that he gave himself the freedom to indulge in absolutely everything that I secretly had always wanted to, only insisting that I was man enough to fight the urge and overcome it.
He didn't follow any of the rules I told myself as a man I had to live by and maybe because of that, I was jealous of him.
Days came and went where I would ignore him entirely, wandering the world alone for once. They were the hardest of any days as I would let my mind wander to times with Vegeta. I would stare across fields, wheat kissed with the last rays of sunlight as oranges and reds and pinks reached over the expanse of the sky and I would think, "I wish Vegeta could see this." I would touch the surface of the sea with my fingertips, the temperature just right as the beautiful salty water would wade over the pads of my skin and I would think "I'll bet Vegeta would love to feel this." And then? Even the fresh spray of salty water against my cheeks would feel ugly.
One night, I escaped the castle, keeping my power level low as melancholy thoughts poisoned my mood. I soared through cold air, feeling nothing of its sting against my soft flesh and I thought crudely how obvious it was that in so many ways, I'd never be free of Vegeta. I'd nearly freed his soul from his body the last time I had seen him yet in so many aspects, he owned every bit of me.
I was mourning and in that, I wasn't getting over him.
I let myself fall from the sky, watching the stars glide away from me as I dropped to the earth. Gray clouds stretched lazily over the full moon and wind tore my hair upwards over my eyes as I collided with the surface of a large lake. I let myself fall through the water, the millions of bubbles I'd created dancing with moonlight as they surrounded me before ascending to the surface.
I sighed the air out of my lungs, feeling them beg for more and groan as I denied them for a moment. I let myself fall into a state of unconsciousness, drifting between this world and the next, the lands of harsh reality and a dreamlike state where every mistake I made could be forgotten in euphoria. I wanted to cry so often these days that I didn't know how to feel when I WASN'T mourning. The times when Kakarot would make me laugh or make me forget, it was like I felt so ashamed!
Like I was being fickle for getting over my sadness; tainting the memory of everything Vegeta had made me feel.
I awoke from my dreamlike state, finding that I'd drifted to the surface on my own and now bobbed like a corpse as I stared at the sky. Even when I breathed the much needed air, I reasoned in my heart, I was still drowning. I blinked out water from my eyes, nearly inhaling the entire lake as I realized that Kakarot was yawning right next to me, levitating over the surface and stretching his arms out.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded non-too-kindly, eyes flashing dangerously at him for interrupting my crappy mood.
"Admiring you," He breathed sweetly, tracing the tips of his fingers over the top of the water. "My Ophelia Immortal."
"Ophelia?" I asked, having heard the name somewhere. He smiled weakly at me, apparently exhausted.
"Killed herself," he said simply. "torn between family and the man she loved. Sometimes, when we keep secrets and are devious, even in the name of goodness, we're doomed in the end."
"You're speaking in riddles," I sighed, closing my eyes and enjoying the tranquilty of the lake.
"You're keeping secrets," He said bluntly, my eyes opening slightly. "How long until you tire of this incessant masquerade Goku? How long until you're willing to open up to me, even just a little bit? Will this lake be dry by then?"
I looked over towards him, wanting to roll my eyes, wanting to diminish the seriousness of this conversation. But I knew I couldn't. He was right. I kept myself so far from him, so much in another life that I couldn't even begin to accept that I needed to live this one. Vegeta wasn't coming and I wasn't going back. Kakarot honestly seemed to give a shit about me, was fascinated by every psychological aspect about me. We could share this world together if only one of us would give in.
But I turned away.
"Always the mystery," He breathed tiredly. "Always five worlds away Goku. How can we be the same person yet I look into your eyes and I have no idea what you're thinking? I want to be close with you," He touched the side of my cheek as an after thought. "I want to share so much with you. But you won't let me near."
He looked away, anger on his features.
"You're cold." He said simply. "Your heart is cold."
With that he left, the water spraying upwards as he tore over it, leaving me to my loneliness and isolation.
That night I had found him, surprisingly hidden in the shadows of his own room, the satin bedspread covering his chest as he stared up through the darkness. I could see tiny bits of moonlight seeping through the skylight, illuminating the shinny whites of his eyes. He seemed lost in a world of his own, perhaps in a drug-induced comatose state or not.
I took a moment to admire him, wondering how often he did this with me. The shape of his face, the slight pout of his dark lips; no wonder so many humans had always summed me up in one word: fascinating. He didn't seem to acknowledge my presence at all, gazing up at the stars as though he wanted to be there; anywhere but the place he found himself.
I moved to the edge of the bed, creeping silently like a feline through shadows as I approached him. I fingered the silky coldness of his satin sheets, waiting for him to notice me.
"I don't understand why you're so cold," He whispered, making me stock still. "It seems that even when I have you here, you're so far from me. I swore all my life that I was missing something, that something or someone vital to my existence was gone and that ultimately, I had to find them. I thought it was just childlike fantasy spawned from loneliness but as I grew older, the feeling only progressed. Like a big part of something that more or less defined me was missing. And now I have you, the other side of my soul as ironic as anything fate has thrown my way. But you're still gone."
I listened to him, guilt welling within me.
"I thought the day that I found you that all the problems in the world rested in the secrets you held within yourself," He continued, voice low and troubled. "Maybe I relied too much on you. But I realize now, nothing has changed. I still feel as alone as I have always felt, as isolated from everything as I always have. I don't find the answers in your eyes like I thought I would and I don't feel the warmth and completion that I had expected."
"Maybe I'm not the person you were missing," I said quietly, eyes lowered.
"I want to believe you are," he spoke honestly. "I want to believe that I wasn't set upon this world only to feel alone for the remainder of my time. I want to believe that fate isn't that cruel and of all the things I have lost faith in, fate is something that I firmly grasp to. But I feel like I frighten you or like....." He paused. "You're sickened by what you see in me because you see them in yourself. I make you realize that everything you've ever desired is personified in me and it scares you."
I gazed at him, unsure of what I was about to do, only going with my instincts as I crawled towards him over the bed. It seemed I was drawn towards the heat that radiated from his body, captured by his pain because it reflected mine. We were fallen angels together, having seen the gates of heaven and now, together, falling from grace. If we shared nothing else, we shared agony.
I crawled over his body, straddling him as I cupped his face with my hands, kissing him chastely.
"If I'm so cold," I whispered, forehead pressed against his. "Than by all means, melt me."
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I made an awkward face, having not the faintest idea what I could possibly answer to that. It seemed the universe as I knew it was now one big chaotic puzzle and every piece was bent, lost or broken. I had been so sure that my perception of Kakarot was so cut and dry, the bad guy so obvious in this world as it had been in mine. But where was my beautiful black and white? Why was it suddenly feeling like I'd dove face first into an abyss of gray?
"The Sabbath begins tomorrow," He said, seeing my hesitance in this particular argument. I cocked an eyebrow at that, gesturing for him to explain. "16 days," He spoke in a solemn voice. "16 days to remember, to enjoy, to see the beauty we have all worked so hard to create."
I let him have his silence for the moment, wondering the significance of all this. And then it dawned on me, Krillin's familiar words coming to mind.
'Kakarot as he calls himself now, sat in that house with them for 16 days, more or less alone while they died. I guess it ruined him. Or whatever man he'd let himself be for so long.'
16 days huh? I understood the symbolism now, the need he had for this. 16 days they spent celebrating freedom, 16 days they spent loving and cherishing every minute they had to live and love with those they cared about. They would appreciate these 16 days more than any day of any time of the year and it was his gift to them. 16 days would always be precious.
I took a moment to weigh my options, my loyalty towards those that suffered Kakarot's reign slowly dwindling as I more and more came to attach myself to him.
"Fine," I nodded, watching his face light up. "Show me your world, show me what you've done. I want to see it all."
"And see it you shall," He smiled sweetly, though there was a wickedness to it. "Every last inch."
.....................
The days went by with a bliss I had only experienced once or twice in my lifetime. Days spent lazily, lounging about in the sun, drinking more than I have altogether in my existence. Kakarot was true to his word, showing me the means to which the earth now sustained itself.
No job was useless, none spent lost in the claustrophobia of a four foot cubical. Every person on the face of the earth had an ultimate purpose and hand in correcting the damage that had been done. Automobiles as they had once ruled were now selected only for those who's job description called for their use, and, of course, Kakarot himself was certain to have full access to anything his heart desired.
He showed me the ocean like I'd never seen an ocean before. I saw whales and creatures I'd never even heard of before, diving carefree beneath the depths of the surface, dolphins shrieking out their calls without fear. We stood over the great beaches and took in the complexity as though every detail was a simplicity, knowing that virtually, we had forever. These would never dry up, these would never be condemned to beer bottles, cigarette butts and plastic cans. I tell you beauty had never caught me so awestruck and silent as it did in those first few days and I would silently look over towards him, an unspoken gratitude in my eyes for his kindness, for his showing me these things I hadn't appreciated before.
And then, in the hardest of times, I would gaze across the expanse of the sea, seeing the sun kiss waves like stars glittering in the heavens and I would wish just for one moment that Vegeta could see all this; that it could be him standing beside me as we saw beauty that human words would never do justice. Those days were my most silent and in my ultimate sadness, Kakarot was as far from understanding me as ever.
Sometimes he would stare curiously into my pale eyes, remarking how strange it was that we were the same being yet two different universes would switch up our coloring so dramatically. I didn't want to tell him that as much as my coloring was an attempt to keep my power on alert, all the same, it was my physical need to visually separate us that spurned it the most.
"They look sad," he told me on the third day, cocking his head side to side as he took me in. "Your eyes I mean."
I glanced up at him, squinting in embarrassment.
"Yeah," He remarked softly. "Maybe it's just the coloring or I'm truly crazy. But they look distant, sad or something." He shrugged. "Guess maybe mine would look the same if I dyed my hair platinum."
Strange things would occur to me at even stranger times. I would watch his interaction with servants (he was actually more congenial than you might imagine) and I would think to myself that I felt absolutely no guilt over having explored myself sexually with him. I would stare at the beauty he possessed and I would recall the immaculate features of the prince and I didn't feel guilty. Was that justification? Was that my bringing up my anger at Vegeta and subduing it with Kakarot? Did I tell myself Vegeta deserved it when I honestly realized he probably wouldn't care regardless?
Busier days were a blessing and I felt my gratitude hit their ultimate high when a day's time would go by without the faintest thought of Vegeta. Yes, idleness was a curse when the only person you thought of was the one person in existence that probably hated you above any other.
We would lie in the quiet contemplation of the other, shirtless beneath a summer sun, fresh, cold drinks at our sides as we held our eyes shut. It seemed that everything in childhood that we'd taken for granted, we were reliving together. 16 days where the world rejoiced in its freedom and Kakarot and I would sunbathe for the better part of each afternoon. Such an odd idea. In showing me the world, he was just showing me my favorite past-times because he knew that they were his own. It gave him a power over me that made me smirk. Truly, he did know how to please me in every way.
Sexually, we were off limits to each other at the beginning of days, silently agreeing that the time for loose hormones and things of that nature were on a definite waiting period. Chemically, it was there and there was no real denying that. Every day it was like suffering a self inflicted horniness that only spurned massive stupidity. And he knew it. Hell, we both knew it. We would glance at each other almost shyly, grinning like complete assholes as we read each other's sexually depraved fantasies. I figured I must have been the most narcissistic psychopath for wanting to fuck myself so completely at damn near every ticking second of the clock.
I think we even teased each other, if there is such a thing as flirtatiously teasing yourself, as he would smile almost sadistically at me, climbing from his spacious pool and catching my obvious appreciation of him. I would let my eyes so unapologetically gaze down his bare torso, taking in every glimmering drop of water that reflected the sunlight like tears, tasting his salty flesh as they ventured downwards. Yes, to only be a drop of water in those moments!
I would even laugh at him, as I would spill alcohol (of which there seemed to be no end to) down the collar of my shirt, lifting the base to catch them and revealing the perfect abs underneath. I would grin wickedly as I caught him staring, his eyes rolling as he read my mind. 'Yes,' he'd nod wordlessly, 'I was staring.'
Still, I began to wonder where all of this would lead. We'd been intimidate, though we were giving each other a break at the moment, and that did mean something. I'd never been the type to wander nor to indulge in sexual escapades that didn't have a very real goal towards the end. So yes, maybe I had let loose from time to time as a teenager, perhaps even unknown to my friends and certainly unknown to ChiChi (as we hadn't married at that time) and let myself "sleep around" a bit. I hadn't been quite so innocent as everyone swore I must have been, meeting strangers and to a degree becoming involved.
But what did that mean for us? Was he the same way? Was intimacy reserved for those you wanted to include in future plans? Or had time so separated us that he saw me as nothing more than a means for sexual experimentation?
And then THAT of course would kick me in the shaft as I realized just how truly damaged I was. I had no faith in anything anymore, not even myself. I saw a man, the one man, that I most certainly COULD relate to and when I gazed into his flawless beauty, I was certain that he was none other than Vegeta himself. I had been used and humiliated, mocked and fucked and torn to pieces like a twelve-toed hooker. Did that hinder my trust in Kakarot? That he was beautiful as Vegeta had been beautiful and that inherited my distrust of him?
I'd fallen for a devil with an angel face and perhaps this break we silently held was a direct response to that. I couldn't trust anyone.
I realized many times, as we would explore caves and mountains together, that I was still living in my world. I'd leapt into this one and had so willingly accepted its flaws that now that I saw the truth, I couldn't let myself be here anymore. I just kept expecting that any day, I'd wake up and be back where I virtually wasn't wanted. My life routine was thrown off so much that even though everything in my past was bleak and stained, I wanted it back just because I could understand it. Now that I could grasp that there WAS something between us, I couldn't force myself to live it. Because it wasn't natural, it wasn't possible where I came from.
And please believe, between us, I kept thinking that Vegeta would be there. The constant in my life, friend, foe, lover or other, was gone now and I would cling to his memory, hugging the pillows of my bed tight.
Kakarot had been most gracious in this aspect, my reign of his home as free as his own, allowing me to choose whichever room I wanted to inhabit. I had wandered the castle for a while, clicking open doors to find reds and golds and every other colored room one could imagine. In the end though, I had decided upon a dark blue interior, the walls a shinning orange that oddly enough, didn't clash as horribly as one might expect. Kakarot had just nodded, not even hearing my decision on the matter.
He'd known I would choose that one.
As the days went by, our paradise and my own heaven of ignorance began to fade and I began to glimpse pieces of Kakarot that I hadn't been willing to see until they damn near peed in my face. Though he would take me to my room at night, whispering his farewells for a wonderful day, I knew he stayed up later than I. At the earliest hours of the morning I would feel his energy, as I had the first time ever seeing him, fluctuating dangerously. Track marks didn't fade in his finding me and the circles of black beneath the lids of his eyes only grew more intense.
He was the ultimate insomniac and though he called our meeting the "impossible miracle", the drugs hadn't ceased. Was I really expecting such? True, at that point, I'd never seen him use, in fact, didn't really even mention them. They were a simple fact that I'd grown to overlook, trying to will away memory and common sense as we spent the light hours rejoicing in our discovery of the other. But apparently, that wasn't enough.
My questions regarding Kakarot's intimacy issues were answered by the 9th day, as I so curiously couldn't sleep and sought him out. Though I was always in my transformed state, I had managed to keep my level low enough (through many hours of practice) to that which might resemble a steroid-induced human. I silently crept through hallways, a maze it seemed, seeking out his rapidly expanding and shrinking power level. It seemed to quiver at times and then rise at others and I cocked an eyebrow, following it.
The scent of sweat and immense heat raised to my nostrils and I nearly turned back, hearing noises that weren't exactly hard to decipher. Groans and sighs and gasps met my hearing, what sounded like a hundred people prying away at each other behind two large doors. Light crept between and underneath the frame, hitched breaths and sucking sounds making me step lightly.
Oh, I'd heard of orgies and as predictable as can be, I'd been often curious about the sheer mechanics myself but the idea of actually engaging in one? It was positively out of the question.
Yet even in the moment, my body began to react and I cursed being a male not for the first time. I was thankful for the leather bound pants that held me down, hearing the material creak as I moved forward, shirtless, through the doors. As the light expanded over the smooth planes of my chest, I took in sights that I hadn't figured in a thousand years I would ever come in contact with.
Hundreds of humans stacked up in the enormous hall, almost every one of them naked and gleaming with perspiration. Men and woman matched each other's breathing as they pummeled each others bodies mercilessly while watching other pairs doing the same thing. Women wore strap-ons, yanking the hair of MEN as they dove beneath the fleshy shields of the masculine body, a very warped thing to behold for someone as seemingly virginal as I felt at the moment.
Men and women were strapped to walls with barbed wire cords, screaming in ecstasy and pain as leather wrapped dominatrix's lashed over their bleeding skin with whips and chains and every other sort of flagellating tool imaginable. Sounds of vibrating dildos smacking against wet skin caught my attention and I gasped, seeing men dressed as women and women sporting masculine ties and cuffs as they poured into the other's body. Women grinned up at me from the mask of another woman's vagina, their tongues clicking over soft areas that made me instantaneously rock hard.
Just when I was certain the dreaded "blue balls" had caught me, I glanced over to see two men, their masculine bodies wet in the dull lighting, tearing at each other's clothes with absolute madness. Their human skin was interesting to behold, the seeming "flaws" making their appearance only that much more admirable as they kissed each exposed layer of mortal flesh they could get their lips around. I suddenly ached with the desire to join them, to show them the inhumane aspects that could make sex even more than the modern mind could fathom.
I wanted to levitate their bare bodies in the air, to fuck them over ceilings and pummel their skin into sky, to wrap my arms and rock against them as we tore through clouds and stared at glittering heavens. I was almost doubled-over with the desire, catching myself as my body tried to take me in that direction. Their beautiful tanned bodies and blonde hair thrust upwards, their throats exposed as their mouths lapped at the other's mouth; it was positively breath-taking.
My ascent towards them was stalled, however, when at the very base of everything, on a sort of stage even, I caught a glimpse of pale, white skin clashing with black features. Dark, drug stained eyes caught mine, rims and lids so red that they appeared to almost be bleeding. Clotted blood vessels stained yellowed eyes, the black pupil catching my own. My breath caught before I could release it, held within as I stared at Kakarot. His chest was wet with sweat, beads climbing down walls of muscle as he pitched his lower torso against the back side of a human male, causing a gasp and groan from the weaker being.
He stared at me and I realized how ugly this suddenly was, the entire hall filled with drug addicts and sexually deprived mortals enacting their sick fetishes with each other. He banged inside of the human, his hand grasping the hip until redness and blueness swelled the fragile skin, his other embedded in ebony locks of short hair. Still his eyes locked with my own as if saying that though he was with another, he was fucking me raw with each detached thrust.
Syringes and smoking pipes met my eyes as I tore them from his own, gazing around in understanding that made me ill. I hadn't seen the ugliness before. I suppose horniness had perpetually blinded me to it. Cocaine stained nostrils flared and the clatter of needles hitting concrete floor made me all but ill as I took it all in. I made a face, seeing a girl laying unconscious on the floor, double-teamed by men as blood leaked out of her nose.
Kakarot was oblivious to everything, his face still turned towards mine as he lifted his bottom half inside of the human, small bits of blood leaking from between quivering thighs. I realized that he probably didn't even recognize me, just a beautiful, half naked thing that had interrupted his party and caught his attention.
I scoffed as he stared long and hard at me, hurrying his thrusts as he neared the conclusion of his immorality, blood-shot gaze never leaving the beautiful figment that was me from his mind. I snorted in contempt, turning to leave him to it, hearing the nearness of his hitched-breaths, the hurried gasps that resembled my own to a nauseating identicalness.
I wondered quite instantly, that since he was me in every aspect, had I endured the circumstances he had, did that mean entirely that I was capable of everything he had done? I didn't want to think about the insane probability, leaving the room in a storm of irritation. What sickened me most I guess, was when I turned for one last peek, seeing that the man he drove inside of, had jet-black hair and a very pronounced widow's peak.
Yes, he was mourning Vegeta. He just didn't know it.
Days after, we spoke nothing of it and I silently wondered if he even remembered. Maybe it was best that he didn't, considering the lengths he went to in order to conceal his rampant drug addiction from me. I would see the flesh of his arms and cheeks shiver in moments of withdrawal, his hand in mine trembling at the end of the day. Cold sweat would bead on his forehead and his farewells were hushed and quick, his footsteps over the tile tremendously fast as he would leave me in my solitude.
Whispers of his latest sexual conquests would reach my ears from the servants, tales of up to one hundred persons having been with him in one night. His stamina was apparently unmatched and his appetite for the sadistic and grotesque legendary in itself. Rumors of torture chambers for the masochistic pierced my curiosity and I fought myself on more than one occasion to deny it. Perhaps I fought a growing animosity towards him NOT for the sick world he dove into every night but for the sheer hatred it caused towards myself. I knew that he gave himself the freedom to indulge in absolutely everything that I secretly had always wanted to, only insisting that I was man enough to fight the urge and overcome it.
He didn't follow any of the rules I told myself as a man I had to live by and maybe because of that, I was jealous of him.
Days came and went where I would ignore him entirely, wandering the world alone for once. They were the hardest of any days as I would let my mind wander to times with Vegeta. I would stare across fields, wheat kissed with the last rays of sunlight as oranges and reds and pinks reached over the expanse of the sky and I would think, "I wish Vegeta could see this." I would touch the surface of the sea with my fingertips, the temperature just right as the beautiful salty water would wade over the pads of my skin and I would think "I'll bet Vegeta would love to feel this." And then? Even the fresh spray of salty water against my cheeks would feel ugly.
One night, I escaped the castle, keeping my power level low as melancholy thoughts poisoned my mood. I soared through cold air, feeling nothing of its sting against my soft flesh and I thought crudely how obvious it was that in so many ways, I'd never be free of Vegeta. I'd nearly freed his soul from his body the last time I had seen him yet in so many aspects, he owned every bit of me.
I was mourning and in that, I wasn't getting over him.
I let myself fall from the sky, watching the stars glide away from me as I dropped to the earth. Gray clouds stretched lazily over the full moon and wind tore my hair upwards over my eyes as I collided with the surface of a large lake. I let myself fall through the water, the millions of bubbles I'd created dancing with moonlight as they surrounded me before ascending to the surface.
I sighed the air out of my lungs, feeling them beg for more and groan as I denied them for a moment. I let myself fall into a state of unconsciousness, drifting between this world and the next, the lands of harsh reality and a dreamlike state where every mistake I made could be forgotten in euphoria. I wanted to cry so often these days that I didn't know how to feel when I WASN'T mourning. The times when Kakarot would make me laugh or make me forget, it was like I felt so ashamed!
Like I was being fickle for getting over my sadness; tainting the memory of everything Vegeta had made me feel.
I awoke from my dreamlike state, finding that I'd drifted to the surface on my own and now bobbed like a corpse as I stared at the sky. Even when I breathed the much needed air, I reasoned in my heart, I was still drowning. I blinked out water from my eyes, nearly inhaling the entire lake as I realized that Kakarot was yawning right next to me, levitating over the surface and stretching his arms out.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded non-too-kindly, eyes flashing dangerously at him for interrupting my crappy mood.
"Admiring you," He breathed sweetly, tracing the tips of his fingers over the top of the water. "My Ophelia Immortal."
"Ophelia?" I asked, having heard the name somewhere. He smiled weakly at me, apparently exhausted.
"Killed herself," he said simply. "torn between family and the man she loved. Sometimes, when we keep secrets and are devious, even in the name of goodness, we're doomed in the end."
"You're speaking in riddles," I sighed, closing my eyes and enjoying the tranquilty of the lake.
"You're keeping secrets," He said bluntly, my eyes opening slightly. "How long until you tire of this incessant masquerade Goku? How long until you're willing to open up to me, even just a little bit? Will this lake be dry by then?"
I looked over towards him, wanting to roll my eyes, wanting to diminish the seriousness of this conversation. But I knew I couldn't. He was right. I kept myself so far from him, so much in another life that I couldn't even begin to accept that I needed to live this one. Vegeta wasn't coming and I wasn't going back. Kakarot honestly seemed to give a shit about me, was fascinated by every psychological aspect about me. We could share this world together if only one of us would give in.
But I turned away.
"Always the mystery," He breathed tiredly. "Always five worlds away Goku. How can we be the same person yet I look into your eyes and I have no idea what you're thinking? I want to be close with you," He touched the side of my cheek as an after thought. "I want to share so much with you. But you won't let me near."
He looked away, anger on his features.
"You're cold." He said simply. "Your heart is cold."
With that he left, the water spraying upwards as he tore over it, leaving me to my loneliness and isolation.
That night I had found him, surprisingly hidden in the shadows of his own room, the satin bedspread covering his chest as he stared up through the darkness. I could see tiny bits of moonlight seeping through the skylight, illuminating the shinny whites of his eyes. He seemed lost in a world of his own, perhaps in a drug-induced comatose state or not.
I took a moment to admire him, wondering how often he did this with me. The shape of his face, the slight pout of his dark lips; no wonder so many humans had always summed me up in one word: fascinating. He didn't seem to acknowledge my presence at all, gazing up at the stars as though he wanted to be there; anywhere but the place he found himself.
I moved to the edge of the bed, creeping silently like a feline through shadows as I approached him. I fingered the silky coldness of his satin sheets, waiting for him to notice me.
"I don't understand why you're so cold," He whispered, making me stock still. "It seems that even when I have you here, you're so far from me. I swore all my life that I was missing something, that something or someone vital to my existence was gone and that ultimately, I had to find them. I thought it was just childlike fantasy spawned from loneliness but as I grew older, the feeling only progressed. Like a big part of something that more or less defined me was missing. And now I have you, the other side of my soul as ironic as anything fate has thrown my way. But you're still gone."
I listened to him, guilt welling within me.
"I thought the day that I found you that all the problems in the world rested in the secrets you held within yourself," He continued, voice low and troubled. "Maybe I relied too much on you. But I realize now, nothing has changed. I still feel as alone as I have always felt, as isolated from everything as I always have. I don't find the answers in your eyes like I thought I would and I don't feel the warmth and completion that I had expected."
"Maybe I'm not the person you were missing," I said quietly, eyes lowered.
"I want to believe you are," he spoke honestly. "I want to believe that I wasn't set upon this world only to feel alone for the remainder of my time. I want to believe that fate isn't that cruel and of all the things I have lost faith in, fate is something that I firmly grasp to. But I feel like I frighten you or like....." He paused. "You're sickened by what you see in me because you see them in yourself. I make you realize that everything you've ever desired is personified in me and it scares you."
I gazed at him, unsure of what I was about to do, only going with my instincts as I crawled towards him over the bed. It seemed I was drawn towards the heat that radiated from his body, captured by his pain because it reflected mine. We were fallen angels together, having seen the gates of heaven and now, together, falling from grace. If we shared nothing else, we shared agony.
I crawled over his body, straddling him as I cupped his face with my hands, kissing him chastely.
"If I'm so cold," I whispered, forehead pressed against his. "Than by all means, melt me."
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