Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Perfection ❯ Chapter 17 ( Chapter 17 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Todesengel_ 
"Tell me what I won't ever see. Tell me what you've stolen from me and make me not miss it."
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai / Horror / Psychological | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 12.21.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.7K | Visits: 340 | Status: Completed
"Tell me what I won't ever see. Tell me what you've stolen from me and make me not miss it."
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai / Horror / Psychological | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 12.21.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.7K | Visits: 340 | Status: Completed
He hadn't even bothered to hide the syringes from me, sprawled out on the end of the table like so much silverwear, his eyes glazed as he gazed over the wooden boards. It struck me as odd that he would surround himself with such simplicities, so obviously obsessed with the best of the best as we were. His fingernails grazed over wood chips, pieces imbedded beneath the skin, blood and bruises appearing beneath sheer, lacquered surfaces.
"You hate me." I said, not so much a question as a revelation in the moment. Every weird idea or contemplation of our future was washed away and in so many ways, I understood that as much as wishing myself away from reality had been a mistake, I'd made every facet of his life nothing more than a figment of fate. Every loss he'd suffered, every death and every moment that he'd spent laying beneath the cover of his dead wife's arms, wishing he could join her, had been all for nothing. I'd created a nightmare by wishing away reality and he had been the one to suffer from it. How would he not hate me? I'd made every struggle in his life seem worthless.
"No," He told me surprisingly, still staring off into the same spot, drifting along the waves of a drug induced stupor. "I don't understand you."
I looked at him, blinking in concentration.
"How are we the same person?" He asked me honestly. "I feel like we constantly have the same reactions to scenarios but the choices we make? It's like 10 years devided us so dramatically that we can't even identify with each other. Do you understand what I'm saying?"I shook my head honestly, telling him that I didn't.
"Everything in my life is trivial," He looked into my eyes finally. "Every moment I spent mourning people I'd lost, it was more or less bawling over a bad dream. I cried over a fictional world that I'd created through selfishness. I spent so long believing and feeling within myself that something was missing that I lost out on so many years that I HAD with a real family. I look back and realize I spent so long believing that something had been taken from me; and than thinking I was crazy for missing something that hadn't existed at all. And now? I understand that it WAS missing. And so many feelings are suddenly confirmed and then wasted.
"Honestly, I don't hate you. I don't know what to feel. So many conflicting everythings sit over me and I just feel like drowning it out. Tomorrow can wait until realization is willing to kick in. For now, I want to know the mundane. I want to understand the parts that reality will never let me admit that I desire to grasp. So tell me, my beautiful one, my dear, my closest friend; tell me about love. Tell me about it as I haven't the faintest chance to experience it before I pass on. We both know you've stolen that from me."
I looked at him skeptically, searching myself in the process.
"You really want to know?" I asked.
"You might as well ask a dying cancer patient what the sun will look like tomorrow evening as it falls behind the mountains." he said coldly. "Tell me what I won't ever see. Tell me what you've stolen from me and make me not miss it."
I sighed, his tolerance at a very low level as I sat across from him.
"What can I tell you that a trillion poets haven't written to word a trillion times?" I shrugged. "I fell in love with someone incapable of returning it. We fell for a monster and became one in the process.""No." He told me, his blood shot eyes drifting upwards. "You keep the beauty hidden behind your eyes. You think I'm going to hold it against you once the realization of what I've lost hits me. But nothing could wound me more than the acceptance that I'll never know love and STILL never have it described to me. So open up, you selfish shit. And tell me in words and a voice that mirrors my own, what is love?"
I contemplated the truth of his words, dismissing their rudeness. Of all the horrors bestowed upon him by my own mistake, I owed him honesty if nothing else. Indeed, he deserved the truth.
"It's like flying," I told him, moving closer. "It's like flying for the first time. The first fall and the first time your strength of will catches you mid air. It's like having sex the first time only the excitement never really leaves. It's like you're constantly in a state of precum, waiting for the next second that person will touch you JUST enough to bring you to climax. Like your favorite EVERYTHING personified."
He nodded, glad that I understood the extent to which he needed this.
"I was once told," he breathed thoughtfully. "by the most beautiful woman... that love, true love, was like the first gasp of air when you've been beneath the surface of water for so long. Like you'd been drowning for such a period of time that you'd almost forgotten that you were even beneath in the first place, your lungs expanding with that first gulp of ecstacy."
"Yes," I nodded. "But sometimes, Kakarot, you keep on drowning. Yes, love brings you up. It fills you up in places that were never empty before. But you bob beneath the waves forever. Love can set you free, that's true. My eyes saw colors that never existed until the morning after I awoke beside him. Everything he did was a pallet of paint, dabbing color into a black and white world that I'd never even noticed. But I bobbed beneath the waves of it. I breathed that air yet he stayed beneath the waves, hands on my ankles as he yanked me under over and over. Love sets you in a new world every day that you step within it. But it can tear you to pieces without knowing that you've left them behind. Perhaps that's the cruellest realization of love. It blinds you. I thought my world was perfect, in fact, missed every clue otherwise, until he was laughing so hard the walls caved in around me. I was selfish for what I did. But he killed us both."
I shook my head, losing myself in the emotion of the moment.
"But he was like, my favorite everything," I whispered, staring off. "Like, the taste of my favorite candy bar, the smell of the prettiest flower. Like the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen." I choked up for a second, swallowing it back. "I swore we were meant for each other. Like the whole universe had been created just to watch us find each other. Like we were both born for the single moments in life we spent together. And then to find it was a lie?"
I looked in his eyes."Sometimes I think you're lucky you never felt it," I told him. "You see it as a loss but maybe, in that way, you don't understand the loss." I glanced away, holding my head propped on my wrist. "I was.... so in love with him."
He remained quiet, just listening to me.
"I was so in love that I lost myself to it," I sighed. "Like I'm not even a person anymore. Just a thing, marching around the world with no real purpose for being there. I once was so stupid to think that I knew the meaning of life; that I could grasp every secret ever told because I had the answers to everything. I lost myself in my love for him and now," I wiped my eye, irritated with the warmth that built behind it. "God, it's like, I'm just an echo. Just the last remnants of a dream, of the person I was when I was with him."
I choked up, looking towards the ceiling.
"God," I gasped, my bottom lip quivering. "I am sad every day."
He stared at me, unfeeling.
"I feel like," I swallowed hard. "like I could cry every minute of every single day. Like the sadness is just a part of me now, as much as happiness ever was. Like when he said all those things,.... like this sadness just took his place in my life and I can't will it away. Sometimes, I just want to hate him SO much. I just want to grab him again and tell him just how BAD he has made me feel. How much anger I have now that I didn't before; how much I wish I could take back everything."I shrugged.
"But I won't." I said in a blank voice. "Because it's a lie. You can't hate so fiercely if there isn't a part of you that hates YOURSELF for still loving that person. I would never wish away what we had because it would be regretting it. And I can't really regret that. I can't want to forget the best times of my life. When we would laugh at each other for no reason, spending nights beneath the stars and trying to count each one just so we would remember it. You can't hate the best days of your life even if you find out later how fictional they were."
"He must have loved you," He whispered. My eyes widened. "Yes, I believe he did. You were too rash in your descision, weren't you? You believed the words he spoke and that was your undoing, OUR undoing. But I believe within myself, if I truly believe in nothing else now, that he loved you most capably. It's nearly impossible not to. You make me see the beauty within myself as no painter ever could. I go so far as to truly believe that there are few people in the world that exist that could deny a love for you, when faced with the truth of who you are.
"No. He stood before you and lost himself in the light that you illuminate. I firmly believe that. But I also believe, that despite the encompasing obsession he must have met with, his hate was stonger. His hate was long lasting, more granite than the ideas of a fickle love affair with a married hero. So he stuck by the unperishable hatred that had spurned a lifetime of survival. His hatred was his constant. It was his life's blood and the last standing statue of his goal: to be the strongest, to be unbreakable. And he couldn't get where he wanted with love. He couldn't stand as second to you.
"I can only imagine the struggle he must have faced; to recall a lifetime spent with one goal that a love for you would rot. To stare into your eyes and tell himself over and over that he had to keep on hating you. Imagine that. Your body and heart conflicting on a constant basis with what your mind had told itself every day of your life. Had you stayed? I don't know what would have been then. Maybe he would have triumphed in his victory for a while. Maybe your family would have hated you for a long time. But he would eventually see the truth: that every goal reached means another to create.
"He would have seen how pale getting what he wanted could be. And he would have returned to you. Of that I am certain."
"He lost himself within you. He lost that hate, that driving force of life that was the one thing that had never changed. He saw a man in the mirror that only resembled the lost soul he'd always been and it scared him."
I contemplated what he said, sitting in silence, in regret and guilt of what I'd done. I missed Vegeta so completely it scared me yet here he sat, devoid of everyone he'd ever loved because I'd made it so. I hated myself.
"So everything I know, everything I've seen," He sighed. "Is a lie."
"That's not true," I countered. "It's just..."
I trailed off, my eyes on the ground in shame. I couldn't even look at him.
"It's just a figment of a world that your desperation created," He spoke in a solemn voice, leaving no room for debate. "My wishes, my world, my..." He choked a little. "My family."
"It's a real world Kakarot," I shook my head. "It's the same as mine. Only we were set on two different paths at one point.""And those two paths are seperated by reality and fiction," He told me. "Everything I've gone through was for nothing. Every moment I watched them die might as well have been a video tape I could have turned off and forgotten about. Every second I heard her screaming, every second I watched his body convulse until he went into that comma, I might as well have been out fishing. Because it was for absolutely nothing.
"I always thought that in every facet that I'd lost faith, fate was one thing that I would always keep. But there is no fate here," He shook his head. "There is no point to any of the things I have seen and suffered."We stayed in silence for the time being, my mind flushed with one thing: guilt.
"Yet I still mourn them," He said in a curious voice, touching his fingers over his chest. "Figments of a fictional world and my pain stays true to their memory. I'm still hurting. The pain tells me it was real enough."
"You say that you don't want to be like me?" He looked suddenly furious. "But I dont' want to be like YOU! Listen to me you piece of shit and listen well. You sit in judgement of everything I do but you abandoned your family. You just left them like a fucking coward because you were too ashamed to look like a failure in their eyes and in front all your stupid little friends. You left them in an unguarded world for whichever one of your enemies decides to take the opportunity for revenge in your abscense.""But Vegeta-..""Vegeta, from what I've seen so far, didn't exactly seem to be much of a human fan himself. For all you know, he's completely demolished that world. Or am I wrong since you seem to have grasped him oh so well. You act like I'm possibly the most awful rendition of yourself but you? You are the most selfish person I've ever met. You lost everything because you wished it away rather than being a man and taking the consequences of stupidity. You aren't sorry that you did it. You're just sorry that it wasn't specific enough for you to get away with it.
"I'll bet you haven't even looked back at them, have you? No. You've been too busy, too drowning in your thoughts of him to even look back. They're just boring memories to you, shadows of wasted times you could have been with him! But to me? I think of them EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. And I don't even see that sadness and mourning as wasted, it's a part of me. THEY are a part of me. Yet you still forsake them with your thoughts, you still betray them every time you think of him. You can't even help yourself. And entire world spawned from selfishness. You should be so proud."
"You hate me." I said, not so much a question as a revelation in the moment. Every weird idea or contemplation of our future was washed away and in so many ways, I understood that as much as wishing myself away from reality had been a mistake, I'd made every facet of his life nothing more than a figment of fate. Every loss he'd suffered, every death and every moment that he'd spent laying beneath the cover of his dead wife's arms, wishing he could join her, had been all for nothing. I'd created a nightmare by wishing away reality and he had been the one to suffer from it. How would he not hate me? I'd made every struggle in his life seem worthless.
"No," He told me surprisingly, still staring off into the same spot, drifting along the waves of a drug induced stupor. "I don't understand you."
I looked at him, blinking in concentration.
"How are we the same person?" He asked me honestly. "I feel like we constantly have the same reactions to scenarios but the choices we make? It's like 10 years devided us so dramatically that we can't even identify with each other. Do you understand what I'm saying?"I shook my head honestly, telling him that I didn't.
"Everything in my life is trivial," He looked into my eyes finally. "Every moment I spent mourning people I'd lost, it was more or less bawling over a bad dream. I cried over a fictional world that I'd created through selfishness. I spent so long believing and feeling within myself that something was missing that I lost out on so many years that I HAD with a real family. I look back and realize I spent so long believing that something had been taken from me; and than thinking I was crazy for missing something that hadn't existed at all. And now? I understand that it WAS missing. And so many feelings are suddenly confirmed and then wasted.
"Honestly, I don't hate you. I don't know what to feel. So many conflicting everythings sit over me and I just feel like drowning it out. Tomorrow can wait until realization is willing to kick in. For now, I want to know the mundane. I want to understand the parts that reality will never let me admit that I desire to grasp. So tell me, my beautiful one, my dear, my closest friend; tell me about love. Tell me about it as I haven't the faintest chance to experience it before I pass on. We both know you've stolen that from me."
I looked at him skeptically, searching myself in the process.
"You really want to know?" I asked.
"You might as well ask a dying cancer patient what the sun will look like tomorrow evening as it falls behind the mountains." he said coldly. "Tell me what I won't ever see. Tell me what you've stolen from me and make me not miss it."
I sighed, his tolerance at a very low level as I sat across from him.
"What can I tell you that a trillion poets haven't written to word a trillion times?" I shrugged. "I fell in love with someone incapable of returning it. We fell for a monster and became one in the process.""No." He told me, his blood shot eyes drifting upwards. "You keep the beauty hidden behind your eyes. You think I'm going to hold it against you once the realization of what I've lost hits me. But nothing could wound me more than the acceptance that I'll never know love and STILL never have it described to me. So open up, you selfish shit. And tell me in words and a voice that mirrors my own, what is love?"
I contemplated the truth of his words, dismissing their rudeness. Of all the horrors bestowed upon him by my own mistake, I owed him honesty if nothing else. Indeed, he deserved the truth.
"It's like flying," I told him, moving closer. "It's like flying for the first time. The first fall and the first time your strength of will catches you mid air. It's like having sex the first time only the excitement never really leaves. It's like you're constantly in a state of precum, waiting for the next second that person will touch you JUST enough to bring you to climax. Like your favorite EVERYTHING personified."
He nodded, glad that I understood the extent to which he needed this.
"I was once told," he breathed thoughtfully. "by the most beautiful woman... that love, true love, was like the first gasp of air when you've been beneath the surface of water for so long. Like you'd been drowning for such a period of time that you'd almost forgotten that you were even beneath in the first place, your lungs expanding with that first gulp of ecstacy."
"Yes," I nodded. "But sometimes, Kakarot, you keep on drowning. Yes, love brings you up. It fills you up in places that were never empty before. But you bob beneath the waves forever. Love can set you free, that's true. My eyes saw colors that never existed until the morning after I awoke beside him. Everything he did was a pallet of paint, dabbing color into a black and white world that I'd never even noticed. But I bobbed beneath the waves of it. I breathed that air yet he stayed beneath the waves, hands on my ankles as he yanked me under over and over. Love sets you in a new world every day that you step within it. But it can tear you to pieces without knowing that you've left them behind. Perhaps that's the cruellest realization of love. It blinds you. I thought my world was perfect, in fact, missed every clue otherwise, until he was laughing so hard the walls caved in around me. I was selfish for what I did. But he killed us both."
I shook my head, losing myself in the emotion of the moment.
"But he was like, my favorite everything," I whispered, staring off. "Like, the taste of my favorite candy bar, the smell of the prettiest flower. Like the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen." I choked up for a second, swallowing it back. "I swore we were meant for each other. Like the whole universe had been created just to watch us find each other. Like we were both born for the single moments in life we spent together. And then to find it was a lie?"
I looked in his eyes."Sometimes I think you're lucky you never felt it," I told him. "You see it as a loss but maybe, in that way, you don't understand the loss." I glanced away, holding my head propped on my wrist. "I was.... so in love with him."
He remained quiet, just listening to me.
"I was so in love that I lost myself to it," I sighed. "Like I'm not even a person anymore. Just a thing, marching around the world with no real purpose for being there. I once was so stupid to think that I knew the meaning of life; that I could grasp every secret ever told because I had the answers to everything. I lost myself in my love for him and now," I wiped my eye, irritated with the warmth that built behind it. "God, it's like, I'm just an echo. Just the last remnants of a dream, of the person I was when I was with him."
I choked up, looking towards the ceiling.
"God," I gasped, my bottom lip quivering. "I am sad every day."
He stared at me, unfeeling.
"I feel like," I swallowed hard. "like I could cry every minute of every single day. Like the sadness is just a part of me now, as much as happiness ever was. Like when he said all those things,.... like this sadness just took his place in my life and I can't will it away. Sometimes, I just want to hate him SO much. I just want to grab him again and tell him just how BAD he has made me feel. How much anger I have now that I didn't before; how much I wish I could take back everything."I shrugged.
"But I won't." I said in a blank voice. "Because it's a lie. You can't hate so fiercely if there isn't a part of you that hates YOURSELF for still loving that person. I would never wish away what we had because it would be regretting it. And I can't really regret that. I can't want to forget the best times of my life. When we would laugh at each other for no reason, spending nights beneath the stars and trying to count each one just so we would remember it. You can't hate the best days of your life even if you find out later how fictional they were."
"He must have loved you," He whispered. My eyes widened. "Yes, I believe he did. You were too rash in your descision, weren't you? You believed the words he spoke and that was your undoing, OUR undoing. But I believe within myself, if I truly believe in nothing else now, that he loved you most capably. It's nearly impossible not to. You make me see the beauty within myself as no painter ever could. I go so far as to truly believe that there are few people in the world that exist that could deny a love for you, when faced with the truth of who you are.
"No. He stood before you and lost himself in the light that you illuminate. I firmly believe that. But I also believe, that despite the encompasing obsession he must have met with, his hate was stonger. His hate was long lasting, more granite than the ideas of a fickle love affair with a married hero. So he stuck by the unperishable hatred that had spurned a lifetime of survival. His hatred was his constant. It was his life's blood and the last standing statue of his goal: to be the strongest, to be unbreakable. And he couldn't get where he wanted with love. He couldn't stand as second to you.
"I can only imagine the struggle he must have faced; to recall a lifetime spent with one goal that a love for you would rot. To stare into your eyes and tell himself over and over that he had to keep on hating you. Imagine that. Your body and heart conflicting on a constant basis with what your mind had told itself every day of your life. Had you stayed? I don't know what would have been then. Maybe he would have triumphed in his victory for a while. Maybe your family would have hated you for a long time. But he would eventually see the truth: that every goal reached means another to create.
"He would have seen how pale getting what he wanted could be. And he would have returned to you. Of that I am certain."
"He lost himself within you. He lost that hate, that driving force of life that was the one thing that had never changed. He saw a man in the mirror that only resembled the lost soul he'd always been and it scared him."
I contemplated what he said, sitting in silence, in regret and guilt of what I'd done. I missed Vegeta so completely it scared me yet here he sat, devoid of everyone he'd ever loved because I'd made it so. I hated myself.
"So everything I know, everything I've seen," He sighed. "Is a lie."
"That's not true," I countered. "It's just..."
I trailed off, my eyes on the ground in shame. I couldn't even look at him.
"It's just a figment of a world that your desperation created," He spoke in a solemn voice, leaving no room for debate. "My wishes, my world, my..." He choked a little. "My family."
"It's a real world Kakarot," I shook my head. "It's the same as mine. Only we were set on two different paths at one point.""And those two paths are seperated by reality and fiction," He told me. "Everything I've gone through was for nothing. Every moment I watched them die might as well have been a video tape I could have turned off and forgotten about. Every second I heard her screaming, every second I watched his body convulse until he went into that comma, I might as well have been out fishing. Because it was for absolutely nothing.
"I always thought that in every facet that I'd lost faith, fate was one thing that I would always keep. But there is no fate here," He shook his head. "There is no point to any of the things I have seen and suffered."We stayed in silence for the time being, my mind flushed with one thing: guilt.
"Yet I still mourn them," He said in a curious voice, touching his fingers over his chest. "Figments of a fictional world and my pain stays true to their memory. I'm still hurting. The pain tells me it was real enough."
"You say that you don't want to be like me?" He looked suddenly furious. "But I dont' want to be like YOU! Listen to me you piece of shit and listen well. You sit in judgement of everything I do but you abandoned your family. You just left them like a fucking coward because you were too ashamed to look like a failure in their eyes and in front all your stupid little friends. You left them in an unguarded world for whichever one of your enemies decides to take the opportunity for revenge in your abscense.""But Vegeta-..""Vegeta, from what I've seen so far, didn't exactly seem to be much of a human fan himself. For all you know, he's completely demolished that world. Or am I wrong since you seem to have grasped him oh so well. You act like I'm possibly the most awful rendition of yourself but you? You are the most selfish person I've ever met. You lost everything because you wished it away rather than being a man and taking the consequences of stupidity. You aren't sorry that you did it. You're just sorry that it wasn't specific enough for you to get away with it.
"I'll bet you haven't even looked back at them, have you? No. You've been too busy, too drowning in your thoughts of him to even look back. They're just boring memories to you, shadows of wasted times you could have been with him! But to me? I think of them EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. And I don't even see that sadness and mourning as wasted, it's a part of me. THEY are a part of me. Yet you still forsake them with your thoughts, you still betray them every time you think of him. You can't even help yourself. And entire world spawned from selfishness. You should be so proud."