Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Sarie Mue ❯ Goku ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z or…well…any other pop culture reference we happen to make. I fear there are too many to mention.

Author's Notes: Well, here we are at the second installment of the misadventures of Sarie Mue. I must thank my review Bardocksgurl for her review. Although, I think you have the wrong idea about Sarie Mue. I may write her in a chapter being ridiculously powerful and smarmily perfect, but only as a joke. Sarie Mue will NEVER come out on top. And now, without further ado, on with… SARIE MUE!!

Co-Author's Notes (or, further ado): Hello True Believers! Howler Wolfe, here. This parody is the first and only fanfic I've ever worked on. I try to help UnromanticPoetess with ideas on some of her other works, but anyone who has read "The Soul," knows, she has a wonderfully deep and dramatic writing style that I just can't seem to add much to! Parody and satire are more my speed. So, again, enjoy! And a prize to anyone who can name all of the pop culture references!

Prologue:

From the depths of an endless starfield, a booming voice rang out: "Fanfiction: The Final Frontier!"

Clad in spandex-tight black pants and a too-tight orange top which did little to hide the "spare tire" bulge across his midriff, William Shatner wondered briefly where he was, but continued unwaveringly. After all, he thought, there's a show to do! Getting into it, he began throwing in his trademark pauses and emphasizing random syllables.

"THESE are the VOYages of one…Sarie…MUE! Her mission: To explore strange…NEW plots…to seek out…SOME ANIME HUNK to…fall in love with…to…BOLDLY GO where…EVERY fangirl has gone before!!!" Shatner completed his monologue, his eyes closed, his hands gripping the air in front of him, still lost in the glory of his epic performance…

"Where's the theme music?!" he shouted suddenly, looking around wildly. "My name should be right there!" he said, pointing to the middle of the starfield before him.

Suddenly, a delicate, slender, white hand grabbed his own, which appeared rather sweaty and pasty by comparison. "Watch where you're pointing that thing, Kirk!" commanded the Great Will of the Cosmos, her voice angry yet still somehow sultry and feminine.

"I've already told you," he said, now petulant and rather whiny. "I'm not just Captain Kirk! I'm William Shatner! I was T.J. Hooker for crying out loud! I am an award-winning author AND a director! I invented TECH WARS!"

Though well-aware of all these facts and essentially every other fact in existence, the Great Will couldn't help torturing him a bit more. After all, if not for his so-called directing, Star Trek V might have been worth watching.

"So, what's it like fighting a Gorn?" she asked. "Can you really construct a rudimentary lathe cannon from bamboo? Why did the Klingons YOU fought barely have any head-bumps? Did the aliens REALLY force you to kiss Uhura, or was that just an excuse? Is it true that Spock did most of the work while you just banged alien women?"

"THAT POINTY-EARED FREAK NEVER DID ANYTHING BUT…" he stopped suddenly, purple and shaking with pent-up rage. "I mean, it's just a show…get a life…" he muttered.

As she transported Shatner back to his writing desk to work on his latest failure, the Great Will of the Cosmos chuckled to herself. "Perhaps I should have just given him his own Mary Sue," she mused aloud.

"Nevertheless, his introduction, melodramatic as it was, will suffice. I now have but to grant Sarie Mue her greatest wish. I think I know just the man to fulfill it…"

Chapter 2: Goku

As reality snapped back into existence around her, Sarie Mue, rabid fangirl on the rampage, still somewhat disoriented from the sudden return of sensation, took in her surroundings.

She turned in a circle, finding herself at the foot of an impossibly-tall mountain range. She was surrounded by dense jungle growth and thought she spied curious eyes peaking tentatively at her through the foliage. Looking to the sky, she saw what appeared to be an orange pterodactyl flying above her, carrying a purple cow.

"Wow!" she giggled malevolently, letting her mind wander to fantasies of a certain purple-haired anime hunk suffering the same fate as the unfortunate bovine.

"No!" she declared to herself. "That part of my life is over. I won't dwell on the past! Trunks and I were just not meant to be."

Thus, putting her behind in the pa…er…putting her past behind her, she prepared to instead charge blindly into the future.

"Well," she said, "I guess I need to look for my NEW eternal soulmate."

Pushing her way through forest, humming Cha La Head Cha La to herself, she came upon a gently flowing stream. Looking down at her reflection, she was momentarily taken aback by her again-changed appearance.

Her hair, which had been jet black in her scenario with…she forced herself not to tear up…Trunks…was now long, straight and blond with a red bow tying it back from her too-cute face, with its round, dimpled cheeks. She was clad in pink fighting armor, highlighted with yellow swirls and designs. Though to be honest, for "armor," it covered precious little of her soft flawless skin. While still wide and overly-expressive, her eyes had changed from green to an unearthly blue.

"This is great!" she squealed. "I'm, like, Britney Spears, Warrior Princess!"

Turning to skip joyfully alongside the stream, she failed to notice an exposed tree root bearing the label, "PLOT DEVICE" in her path. The toe of her knee-high pink boot caught the root at just the right (wrong) angle and sent her careening through the air, her arms flailing uselessly as her mouth opened ridiculously wide, action lines squiggled their way around her, and sweat drops flew every which way…

With a terrific "SPLASH" highlighted by a bright yellow background, she landed in the stream. Suddenly, the once gently-flowing stream transformed into a rampaging river, carrying her swiftly downstream toward sharp, jagged rocks, each of which bore a small tag reading, "CONTRIVED PLOT COMPLICATION."

Closing her eyes, tears flowing from them in over-exaggerated, gushing streams, she braced herself for impact with the deadly boulders. Feeling the hard THUD of her body against one of the rocks, she waited for death to take her away, but something strange happened. The rock let out a startled cry.

Strange, she thought. I didn't know that anime rocks let out startled cries.

Opening her eyes to examine the unusually verbose boulder, she was startled to see not the rock she expected, but the muscular and quite naked body of one Son Goku.

As she fainted into darkness, her last sight was of Goku, characteristically confused, scratching awkwardly at the back of his head with one hand and a spray of water vapor from the stream labeled "Funimation" covering Goku's (ahem)…you get the idea.

She awoke in a sweat, feeling rather nauseous as her stomach turned over and over and over… Opening her eyes, she saw that it was not just her stomach.

Whistling to himself, a now fully-dressed Goku sprinkled a bit more pepper over his catch, keeping one hand constantly turning the spit over the campfire he'd made.

With a high-pitched squeal, Sarie Mue broke free of her bonds and floated three feet above the spit, a blare of trumpets accenting the red and green flashing background. Landing, she screamed angrily at Goku:

"RRRMEHRRGGHARECHHDLRG…" pausing to take the apple out of her mouth, she continued, "What in the WORLD is wrong with you?!! You don't just roast people on a spit, you (We're sorry, but in keeping with Funimation standards, we cannot accurately repeat what Sarie Mue actually said. Instead, we will provide you with a more suitable substitute. Thank you for understanding.) silly person who is a jerk behaving quite naughtily!"

"You mean you're not a fish?" Goku asked, his black eyes wide and innocent.

"Of course I'm not a fish!" she shouted. "Do I have gills? Or scales, for that matter?!!"

"Well," Goku replied. "Not anymore, I had to clean the scales off for cooking…" he said, gesturing to a bright pink pile Sarie recognized as her armor.

Looking down at herself, she realized she was covered only by a convenient cloud of smoke from the fire, labeled, not surprisingly, "Funimation." Blushing a bright red, she quickly rushed to put on her armor, tree branches and foliage appearing mysteriously to block any clear view of her nude, nubile anime form.

"So you're NOT a fish then," Goku said, finally catching on. His face fell as his Saiyan stomach let out a loud rumble.

Now dressed and over her initial anger, Sarie realized that the tall, dark-haired Saiyan was meant to be her eternal love.

He looks even better-built in person than on the screen, Sarie thought to herself. And he is the hero, so he must be the best! He's always so nice and caring and… And I've yelled at him! I'd better try to make it up to him.

"I'm sorry for not being a fish," she apologized. "I know you must be starving…You probably have to eat a LOT to feed that lean, muscular…" she paused as she again became lost in thoughts of his powerful Saiyan body. "Sorry!" she continued. "Why don't I fix you supper?"

"GREAT!" Goku shouted. "I'll get the fish."

Taking his shirt off, he dove into the water, Goku was only below the surface for a few seconds before re-emerging, a 250 lb. bass in tow.

"Do you think this will be enough, uh…what's your name?" he asked.

Sarie Mue, gazing longingly at his taut form as tiny rivulets of water rolled down his manly chest, did not answer immediately. When his words finally did force their way into her ears, she answered, startled, "Mue!"

"Oh! I know this one! You're a cow!" exclaimed Goku. "My turn!"

Goku hunched over in his best monkey impression…well, when he wasn't Oozaru or Super Saiyan level 4… his arms scratching his head and back as he jumped up and down, still bending his legs.

"No!" she yelled. "I wasn't saying, `moo!' My NAME is Sarie Mue!"

"Really?" Goku asked. "That's a really dumb name!" he said, laughing.

"Well I didn't pick it out!" she said in a huff. "Do you want me to cook for you or not!"

Holding up his hands placatingly, Goku attempted to apologize. "Sorry! Sorry! I just meant that it SOUNDED really dumb…I mean…ah…"

"NEVERMIND!" shouted Sarie. "Let's just go so I can start cooking this fish."

Holding the fish by the leg and Sarie Mue by the tail…er…holding the FISH by the tail and Sarie Mue by her leg, Goku launched into the air, blasting towards the Son home, thoughts of food permeating his mind so that he did not even hear Sarie's surprised scream as they barely skimmed the tops of trees and mountains.

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Meanwhile, at the Son house, Chichi busied herself with cleaning, all the while thinking of new ways to be a loud, annoying, obnoxious, and essentially pointless character who becomes involved in silly subplots in almost EVERY saga to DRAG OUT the wait for the most interesting and anticipated battles FOREVER! And most of these subplots were not even included in the manga, and just end up being pointless and distracting and…uh…sorry…So Chichi was at the house.

"Hello Chichi," a sultry feminine voice purred from behind her.

Turning suddenly, and automatically assuming a fighting position as if she actually did any important fighting, she was shocked to see a floating starfield with a pair of flawless, delicate white arms all the way down to her tapered red fingernails.

"Who…What are you?" she asked, her voice trembling.

"I am the Great Will of the Cosmos, Chichi…and I have a surprise for you!" uttered the starfield.

"What kind of surprise?" asked Chichi.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the Great Will told her. "The bad news is that it is rather inconvenient for the young girl I am currently helping that you exist in this dimension…so I'm going to have to fix that small problem."

"What's the good news?" Chichi asked her.

"Well, I promised a has-been sci-fi actor a love slave if he did an announcing gig for me, and you're it!"

Not giving Chichi a chance to respond, she snapped her fingers, and Chichi blinked out of existence and into the waiting arms of `El Capitan."

"Then again," the Great Will mused to herself, "That was probably bad news for her, too… Oh well."

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