Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Sarie Mue ❯ #17 ( Chapter 4 )

Author's Notes: I don't like dictating. (hahaha) Stop it! (more laughter) Okay. This is unromantic poetess dictating to howler, because he won't get out from in front of the keyboard. (snickering) I personally find it extremely annoying, but I have to humor the old boy. He has a hard enough time putting up with me. (And how!) (laughter) That's enough from you! Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter. We finally crawled out from the cave we've been inhabiting called the horrible real life to bring you yet another episode in the quest of Sarie Mue. (Hey, we've got to do reviewer thanks.) Umm… I know, I know…

Thanks to all our reviewers: Majin Kade (Thanks for the fav list thing! ^_^), Silentchylde (Good job with keeping up with the pop culture references. Yeah, the Gohan pairing is going to be fun… not saying a word…), and HCV (Now, now. We never said anything about "lovers." This is… MahJong… we are talking about. Yeah…)

Co-Author's Notes: Hello, True Believers! I also would like to thank our gracious reviewers. After all, if a Fanfic author writes a Fanfic in the woods, and there are no reviewers there to review it, would the bear that got hit by the tree eat the Fanfic author while no one was looking? Probably. But regardless, it is nice to know that there are people who are enjoying our little opus. (No, it's not dirty. Look it up!) I know it's been slow-going so far. School interferes with important things like writing parody fanfiction. So bear (not in the woods) with us!

Disclaimer: We do not own Dragonball Z. If we did, we'd be out enjoying being filthy, stinking rich instead of writing fanfictions. Not that we don't enjoy writing fanfictions… Anyway, we are disclaimed.

Prologue: As random images of Sarie Mue's various exploits flashed by in quick succession, a man with a distinguished British accent began to speak. "In every generation," he said in a smooth, masculine voice, "there are many rabid fangirls. But now there is a chosen one…One girl in all the world to live out her terrible self-insertion romance fanfics, her unlikely scenarios and shallow plots…She is Sarie Mue."

Pausing to wipe his glasses with a handkerchief, Giles looked to the floating starfield with its delicate, graceful arms. Giles particularly admired her feminine hands. They looked both soft and capable at the same time. The hands of a scholar, he thought.

"I trust that will be satisfactory?" he asked the Great Will of the Cosmos, raising one eyebrow in a sophisticated gesture of askance.

"Yes! Quite so," she replied, impressed with his solid delivery. "So, before I send you back to help Fluffy…"

"Buffy," he corrected politely.

"Whatever…the show should be called `Giles' anyway," she said.

"Show?" he asked. "Do you mean to say that the reality in which I exist is perhaps, in another temporal plane or dimension, a television show? My life is someone else's entertainment?"

For this, I could almost ditch Pedro, she thought, admiring the watcher's keen intellect and calm in what would to anyone else be an impossible situation. "Yes, you have it exactly right, but I will have to erase that tidbit from your memory when I send you back…Hawthorne effect and all that."

"Ah. I quite agree," he replied, with a sage nod.

"But as I was saying, before you go back, could you pleeeeaaaase sing a song? Maybe you could finish up that rendition of Freebird you were doing when Spike walked in and surprised you that time. Please?" for the first time in eons, the voice of the Great Will had taken on a note of pleading.

"I would love to," he said. "But I feel I really should get back to where I belong. I should hate for my existence here to cause any temporal anomalies or that sort of thing. It could endanger the space-time continuum as we know it. I'm sure you're familiar with the theory…a butterfly flaps its wings and causes a hurricane hundreds of miles away…"

"Yes," she said with a sad sigh. "The pesky chaos theory…But it's impossible to predict what effects it could have."

"That is why they call it chaos, after all," Giles said with a gentlemanly reserved smile.

Ooooh…when I'm not so busy I'm going to pull him out of that cursed series and show him the time of his life the Great Will thought to herself. Heck…I'll show him the time of several billion lives…Does the show really need him through the sixth and seventh seasons? I could borrow him…let him do a few episodes every now and then…hmm…

Out loud, she sighed. "Well, I suppose you should get back to saving everyone in Sunnydale while all the credit goes to blondie and the Scooby gang."

With a wave of her hand, Giles disappeared.

"Now then…it's time to get back to Sarie Mue. I think this time, I'll set her up with someone a little different… Someone handsome, with boyish good looks…but with that touch of a dark side that those idiot human girls seem to rush to like a moth to a flame. Someone like…"

Chapter 4: # 17

Jolted to her senses once more, Sarie Mue, rabid fangirl on the rampage, took in her newest new surroundings. She found herself in the middle of what she recognized to be Satan City. In amidst the skyscrapers were many billboards and signs with Hercule's picture on them, with quaint sayings like, "Thank God for Satan!" and "Satan is our friend!"

Walking down the sidewalk, she paused in front of a mirrored glass building to examine her latest look. She saw in the mirror a middle-aged, squat woman with a scowling face and a hawkish nose. She was wearing a wrinkled business suit and was talking loudly on a cell phone, screaming at whoever was on the other end!

Oh no! thought Sarie Mue, I'm hideous! Why would the Great Will make me look like this?

It was only after the woman on the other side of the glass pane walked away that Sarie realized that while the rest of the building was mirrored glass, the first floor was clear.

With a sigh of relief, Sarie walked further down the sidewalk, pausing in front of an antique shop window to look into a full-length antique mirror on display.

Her long blue hair cascaded down her back in waves, setting of her purple eyes beautifully. She wore a loose-fitting summer dress made of a material only slightly more opaque than gauze, which flitted in the light breeze. As usual, her form was no less than stunning, curvy while still slightly athletic.

Well, that's a relief, she thought to herself. Now, who's the lucky man I'm going to fall in love with forever and spend the rest of my life with?

Deciding to window shop until Mr. Right happened along, she continued on her way. She paused to look into an electronics store, listening to the music blasting from a discount boombox they had in the window.

The song had just switched to an old disco tune as HE came around the corner.

Well you can tell by the way I use my walk...

He wore a black shirt with just the top few buttons undone, leaving room for his yellow bandana to fit comfortably around his neck.

I'm a woman's man - no time to talk…

His brown hiking shoes hit the pavement right in time with the music, as Sarie watched his muscular legs rippling under his Buddy Leeâ"¢ jeans.

Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born…

She recognized his flawless face instantly…perfect features framed by straight, jet black hair, swaying gently with each step.

And now it's all right. It's OK. And you may look the other way. We can try to understand the New York Time's effect on man.

Sarie was awestruck. Seeing him up close, she thought, he's like a dark-haired Leonardo DiCaprio. And still the music played on…

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

This was Android 17.

Pausing by the window, 17 paused, his ice blue eyes flashing suddenly toward the boombox. "I've never shot a Ki blast into a store shop window to destroy a radio playing a disco song before," he muttered quietly to himself.

Ah ah ah ah stayin' ali… KA-BOOOM!

The brothers Gibb were suddenly silenced in a blast of white light.

"Well, that was fun," said 17, his voice cold and indifferent.

As the store owner and the customers ran from the store screaming, Sarie Mue just stared at the scene before her, her cute mouth slightly agape. "He just destroyed an entire storefront without any thought for human life. He just pointed and blew it up for the fun of it. He's so…so…"

17 walked by her without giving a second glance to her or the destruction he'd left in his wake, a slight breeze from his stride causing her summer dress to stir.

"So SEXY! OhmygodheisjustthemosttodieforstudIhaveeverseeninmyentirelife!"

Running after him, she called out to him. "Seventeen! Oh! Android seventeen?"

He stopped walking, turning his head halfway over his shoulder, his back still toward her.

"Why would a pathetic human be calling my designation number?" he asked, his tone so flat she could not tell whether the question was addressed to her or himself.

"I just saw what you did," she began, trembling slightly in fear. "You just blew up half of that building. You don't seem to have any emotion at all. I don't think you care about anyone or anything but yourself…so I was just wondering…"

The one ice blue eye he had deigned to turn toward her continued to stare piercingly at her, showing no more concern for her than an insect or a weed.

"Will you go out with me?" she asked hopefully. I just know I can change him, she thought to herself.

He now turned fully toward her. The shock of seeing both of his perfectly symmetrical, pale blue eyes on her almost causing her to faint.

"Are all human females this pathetic?," he asked himself quietly. "She admitted that she realizes I have no emotion whatsoever - especially not concern or interest in her, yet she wishes to engage in pre-mating behavior with me?"

Finally speaking to her, he said, "I think I should probably kill you." A ball of white light appeared on the tip of his finger, as he pointed it in her direction.

Sarie, terrified for her life, cowered back, tripping over her own feet and falling to the pavement. He's going to kill me, she thought. And yet he looks so sexy doing it…

"But," continued 17 aloud, "I have never been in a…" he paused, searching for the unfamiliar word, "relationship with a human." The ball of white light flicked out. "I accept your offer," he said, having decided in the same instant not to end her life and to be her boyfriend with as much concern as he would have shown deciding what flavor of donut to have.

Sarie Mue, being utterly afraid for her life, was somewhat slow on the uptake. "You're not going to kill me?" she asked weakly.

"I've never had a girlfriend before," he said. "So I'll try you for one day and see how it turns out. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

Sarie thought briefly about running. But he looks so good in his Buddy Lee'sâ"¢… "Okay," she said.

17, who had not been particularly interested in her response was already gazing around the city. "Where shall we go on our…date…then? What activities usually occur prior to mating behavior?"

"Well…" Sarie Mue began. "We could…ah…do you eat?"

"I do not necessarily require food in the way you do, but I can take sustenance that way," he responded.

"Great! So what kind of food do you like?" she asked, hopeful that they might actually have a `normal' date.

"Taste is irrelevant," was his only reply. "So long as it is not anything I've had before. I gain enjoyment from new experiences. Much as with this `dating' experiment, the quality and nature of that which is involved is not nearly so important as the new experience."

"Oh!" said Sarie Mue cheerily, not having picked up on the fact that she'd been insulted. "Well, have you ever eaten pizza?"

"Yes."

"Burgers?"

"Yes."

"Tacos? Spaghetti? Sushi? Chicken? Steak? Duck? Porkchops? Pheasant? Veal? Greek Feta? Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?"

"Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes."

17 glanced over his shoulder at a passing bazooka player. "I've never killed a bazooka player," he mumbled to himself as he nonchalantly brought both the music and the player to a fiery end, the odd, piped instrument turning to ash.

"W-well," said Sarie Mue… "I'm sure we'll think of something you've never eaten before…"

Five hours later, in one of the city's more expensive restaurants, having finished a meal of roast caribou with raspberry sauce and a side of roast corn all served over a bed of spinach leaves, 17 looked at Sarie Mue. "Did you approve of this meal?" he asked.

After she finished vomiting under the table, Sarie Mue sat back up. "That was the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten!" she said.

"Yes," agreed 17. "It was truly horrible. What a wonderful new experience."

"Are you going to get the bill?" asked Sarie Mue.

"No. I think I'll just destroy the restaurant." His hand began to glow with white light.

"NO! I mean…I'll pay," she said quickly.

After leaving the restaurant, 17 looked expectantly at her. "What inane human activity shall we engage in next?" he asked.

"Well, we could…go to a movie?"

"I've already done that once," he said.

"We could go ice skating."

"Already done it."

"Bungee jumping?"

"Done it."

"We could go see a play?"

"Done it."

Three hours later, having thrown out every sane suggestion she could think of, Sarie Mue was angry.

"Fine, we'll go spray paint a Siamese Cat green! Have you done that? Have you? Huh?"

He looked at her thoughtfully. "…"

----One hour later----

"Fascinating," said 17. "The feline was quite frantic after the first coat. The three succeeding layers and waterproofing seemed to calm it down, though."

"It was not calm! It was dead!" screamed Sarie Mue, her face still streaked with tears. "You killed someone's cat! You're just sick! Sick!"

"I am incapable of becoming ill," replied 17. "Besides, it was your idea."

This set Sarie Mue to bawling again, clutching a green-smeared collar which read, "Fluffy" close to her ample heaving bosom.

"I see no point in your emotional outbursts," said 17. "Let us return to my home."

Picking her up, he flew away with her to a small log cabin in the mountains. Sarie Mue could not tell what country they were in. She only knew that Satan City was far away. The long trip gave her time to recover her composure.

Upon arriving at the cabin, 17 turned his gaze on her. "Very well. I trust I have met the requirements of your pre-mating behavior rituals. We will now…

Greetings from the Funimation censors. In keeping with good taste and series continuity, we shall continue to provide acceptable substitutions for all objectionable content. Thank you for understand.

"play MahJong," said 17.

"What?! You force me to eat a raspberry caribou, slaughter Fluffy like a madman, and then just expect me to play MahJong for you? Why you…you…"

She stared into his ice blue eyes, taking in his DiCapriesque features and his stylish Buddy Leeâ"¢ jeans.

"Okay," she said, dazed.

----The next morning----

Sarie looked lazily at 17, who was busily plugging himself into…a wall outlet. (What were you thinking, you sicko?)

"Good morning, 17," she said cheerily. "What are you doing?"

"I am recharging my internal battery," he replied simply.

"I guess it really needed recharging after last night," she said suggestively.

"No more than at any other time," he said, his voice stereotypically flat. "I am merely taking advantage of a convenient energy source."

"Oh," Sarie said, slightly disappointed. Then, brightening up, she walked over to him, the bed sheet wrapped around her providing her only covering. (Though why she would use the sheet to protect her modesty after the obviously suggested events of the MahJong marathon of the night before, who knows? But women always seem to do that in movies and cartoons, so ~~~)

"So," she purred into 17's ear. "Are you up for another game of MahJong?"

He turned his ice blue eyes towards her. "But we've already played MahJong. I have already gained that experience. What would be the point in playing another game?"

"But…" she protested weakly. "I thought we…I mean I…didn't you enjoy playing MahJong? Am I not a good MahJong player?" She seemed on the verge of tears.

"Why do you insist on attaching emotions to every data-gathering experience?" he asked her coldly. "As I said, I have already gained the data I need for that particular experience. It would be a waste of time to further pursue the activity."

"But…but…" Sarie Mue burst into tears - not the gushing fountain of action anime tears, but the large twin streams of tears of drama anime running down her face. The soundtrack softened into a soft, poignant piano piece highlighted by a cello counterpoint. The room melted away, leaving Sarie Mue falling backward into a misty, orange-colored emotional void as her misery consumed her. Her voice echoed inside her head… "I really…thought…he loved me…"

"The human female appears to be falling into an emotion void of misery," muttered 17 to himself. "She has become an inconvenience. In fact, I do not believe I have ever had the experience of disintegrating someone I played MahJong with…"

Sarie Mue's misty orange-colored emotional void was interrupted by a flash of white light, and was quickly replaced by an endless starfield filled with swirling galaxies.

Meanwhile, 17 pondered his newest new experience. "I wonder what the human female's name was?"

Giving an almost imperceptible shrug, 17 continued to go over the data of the previous day's new experiences. "The only thing that deserves further study is perhaps the effects of the use of paint products on small domesticated animals. I've never painted a hamster, after all."

*****

The Great Will of the Cosmos floated in the middle of a hallway in a now-deserted building. Various small rooms looked to be hastily vacated, with personal belongings strewn everywhere, giving away the haste of every departure. The Great Will shook her… uh… head. "I am too late," she whispered dolefully.

Her foreboding grew with every name she read off, clearly printed on the doors of each room. Yamcha. Menchi. Krillen. Pedro. Neville Longbottom. Yajirobe. Samwise Gamgee. Wile E. Coyote. Wesley Crusher. Elmer Fudd. Wesley Windham Price. Robin. Donald Duck. Jonathan Levenson. Uhura. C-3PO. Jar Jar Binks. And… too many to mention.

"She's building an army."

Taking one final look, the Great Will of the Cosmos seemed to shrug it off momentarily. Making her way out of the building, a prominent sign above the door of the previously guarded fortress read: St. Stan Laurel's Rest Home for Chronically Abused Minor Characters.

"I suppose I'll have to attend to Sarie Mue first though," the Great Will said to herself with an exasperated sigh. "I'm going to have to go in a whole other direction this time. I certainly have enough to worry about with Chichi building what promises to be an extremely irate and vindictive army.

Perhaps the problem is that the men so far have been too petty, too small-minded. Sarie needs someone grand, someone noble, someone in a position of power. She needs someone like…

Chapter 5: The Supreme Kai