Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Sarie Mue ❯ The Supreme Kai ( Chapter 5 )

Disclaimer: We do not own Dragonball Z. And, if we're naming things that we don't own, let's not stop there. An existentialist might argue that no one truly "owns" anything. Who can really own anything? Who can own a tree? We are but temporal visitors - if, therefore, our lives are limited by time, then what good is the concept of ownership? At best, we could argue a temporary claim of possession, but even that is limited by how many others could lay a claim to it. A man can say he owns a forest, but the wolves or animals that inhabit that forest might claim it as their own. Therefore, what is ownership but an illusion by which we attempt to gain status over others? Property is one of the entrapments that tie us to… Oh. I guess we do need to get on with it don't we? Anyway, we don't own DBZ, and we're not evil copyright infringers. So there. :p

Author's (and Co-Author's) Notes: Nothing too profound to say here, despite our disclaimer. Took us a WHILE to get this chapter out. Conflicting schedules are so hard. For Poetess, there was a retreat to work. For Howler, there was wisdom teeth to get cut out. *sigh* Much busyness and pain all around. But finally, we come through. As you knew we would. And now, to thank all our reviewers.

Majin_Kade: Howler is the truly comic genius. I couldn't do this fic without him… my style is a bit dramatic, and my humor is mostly irony. But he's influencing me. Thanks for the compliment anyway. *grins*

Silentchylde: Heh-heh… We have plans for Vegeta. It probably doesn't involve polyester. Since he gets so many romance fics… of ALL kinds… we're going to have a lot of fun with him. We're just putting that chapter off for right now. And, yes, we'll always reference Monty Python, the comic gods. Our humor is a mixture of Monty Python, Dave Barry, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and Buffy (for the witty quips). Let's just say we have an odd sense of humor. And, lest we not forget, the Excel Saga.

Prologue: The Great Will of the Cosmos was upset. She was complaining, loudly, of her recent problems to poor, poor Pedro.

"It's not fair, Pedro! I try to add some class to this whole Sarie Mue thing by bringing in some of the great philosophical minds of earth's history, and what does it get me? Nothing!"

Pedro cowered before her. "Please…Pedro is sorry he tried to escape…just let Pedro go back to his adorable son and sexy, sexy wife…please?"

"Beg later, Pedro! I have REAL problems to worry about. As if `the resistance' wasn't giving me enough trouble…that woman…trying to steal away my Pedro…" With a sigh, she shrugged off her worries about Chichi and the others to return to the matter at hand.

"I brought in René Descartes to announce, and do you know what he said? He said I was `an evil demon' and that I was trying to trick him with `automatons.' Me! I hate automatons. They give me hives. That one wanted a job from me, and I sent her to fly a ship on Outlaw Star…but as a rule I NEVER deal with automatons. And then do you know who I thought would be a good announcer? Hmm? Do you, Pedro?"

Pedro whimpered.

"That's right! Socrates! So I brought him here, and all he would talk about was `being excellent to each other' and if I would take him to visit Billy the Kid! On second thought, I don't even know if he would be a good announcer. Everything he says is Greek to me…

"So then, I thought, `Hey, why not Nietzsche? He's always good for a laugh.' But he was busy. He was arguing with some dead composer over whether he should have the rights to the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme. (Quick Author's Note insert: 10 points to anyone who can figure out THAT one!)

"Finally, I thought. `What about good old Thoreau? He won't let me down.' But all he wanted to talk about was watching two bugs fight on a chip of tree bark at that stupid pond of his! I can't believe they even call him a philosopher! He's more like an exceptionally wordy bum! Don't you think, Pedro?"

Pedro merely cried silently, curling up into a fetal position.

"I even went so far as to consider Bill Watterson…not a philosopher in the classical sense, but close enough. But the man was dressed up in a hood and cape and tried to throw a stuffed tiger at me. That guy really needs to get back to writing…he needs an outlet…

"So here I am. No announcer, no fun philosophers to torture, and frankly I'm sick of it, Pedro! Just sick of it! Do you hear me? Pedro? Ped…ro?" Her voice faltered as she realized she was talking to herself. She looked down on the ground and saw a folded note. Reaching with her delicate, feminine hand, she picked it up, noting the insignia of a frying pan with Japanese hair pins forming a cross over the handle. Unfolding it, she read aloud.

"Beware the chronically abused minor characters…courtesy of…`Le Resistance'"

And the Great Will of the Cosmos screamed.

Chapter 5: The Supreme Kai

Sarie Mue shuddered as reality snapped violently in place around her…a little too violently. What was up with the Great Will? Was it that time of the millennium for her or something?

Sarie Mue looked around to find herself surrounded by idyllic, pastoral scenery. The lush green grass spread forever with lakes, trees, and solitary high plateaus marking the landscape.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. "Look at all those strange flat-topped mesas, just sticking up from the ground…that's so odd. I've only seen those in a few isolated areas on Earth, but they seem to be the primary feature of every alien planet!"

She wondered idly which alien planet she was on. The grass was green, and the water was blue, so it couldn't be Namek. The sky wasn't yellow, so it wasn't Yardratt. Everything wasn't red like on Vegeta…or Vulcan.

Passing a pristinely blue pool of water, she looked down at her reflection. Her gigantic hazel eyes matched perfectly with her waist-length dark-brown hair. Her figure, as usual, was stunning, but her clothes…

She blinked in surprise.

She was wearing a skort that barely made it halfway down her thighs, but rather than the skimpy top she had come to expect, in keeping with traditional anime female stereotypes, she was wearing what appeared to be a navy-blue military jacket with puffy purple sleeves. The ridiculous outfit could only be the traditional garb of…

"THE SUPREME KAI DEMANDS AN AUDIENCE WITH THE INTERLOPER!" a gravelly voice shouted in her ear.

Flipping upside down in shock, she hovered for a moment, taking in the silly-looking, yet still imposing figure of Kibito. His gargoylesque face was twisted into an angry glare atop his seven foot tall pink body.

Sarie Mue gave a weak smile before physics caught up with her, dumping her unceremoniously onto the ground in a pile of shapely limbs.

"Interloper?" she asked, somewhat confused. "I'm a good girl, I am! I've never done any such thing as interloping!"

Kibito's head seemed to swell to three times its normal size as he screamed at her, "Stop your whining! Get up and stop laying there like a squashed cabbage leaf! You have trespassed here, violating the sanctity and purity of the Kai Planet! I should destroy you right now for your impertinent, impudent, impossible behavior, you filthy, scum-sucking, monkey-kissing..."

"Kibito," said a quiet voice, interrupting his tirade.

Kibito's gigantic pink eyes went wide in shock as he turned around and fell to one knee before the small, unimposing figure of Kaioshin, the Supreme Kai.

"Yes, Supreme Kai? What do you command?" Kibito asked, averting his gaze to the ground.

Sarie Mue did not even see Shin's hand move as he slapped Kibito across the face. "Shut up," he said calmly.

Kibito rubbed at the bright purple handprint on his face, afraid even to apologize aloud.

"Now," the Supreme Kai said, taking in the figure of Sarie Mue. "Perhaps you could explain why and how you have come here, where no mortal has ever set foot before?"

Sarie Mue was speechless. She slowly took in the short, purple, mohawked figure before her, his black, beady eyes peering at her curiously. "Um… I don't know?" she said tentatively.

"I see," was his terse reply.

"Master," Kibito's voice rang out as he momentarily forgot his earlier command and punishment, "perhaps she is a spy, sent by the wizard Babadi to find our secrets for his own exploitation or to taint the sanctity of this world with the evil of his magic."

Again a small purple hand whipped out, knocking the Kai's servant off his feet. Kibito whimpered as he got up, small tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"That was for talking," came the calm reply of the Supreme Kai. "Do you want another one? Do ya?!"

Kibito bowed to the Kai and shook his head fearfully.

"Okay, you just let me know, `cuz there's plenty more where that came from!"

Sarie Mue had begun to back away nervously, a bit weirded out by this particular servant-master interaction. The show had NEVER shown this side of their relationship.

"Master…" Kibito began cautiously, pointing to the retreating girl and bracing himself for another blow.

"Wha… Oh, yes. The interloper," the Supreme Kai suddenly remembered. He tended to lose track of things when punishing Kibito. "Wait!" he called out. "There's no need to run! What's your name?"

Sarie stopped and turned around slowly, the sun catching her hair as confusion cast over her flawless features. She really didn't want to get involved with either of these DBZ men, but she couldn't really find a way out of this place. And the Great Will seemed to be in a bad enough mood already.

"I'm…" she began hesitantly, "Sarie Mue, rabid fan…" She stopped suddenly, not quite sure where that tag to her name had come from. Perhaps it was fulfilling a running gag that she wasn't aware of…

"Oh," Kaioshin said. "Okay… um… Sarymurabidfan," he got out with some difficulty. "I am…"

Suddenly, the few clouds parted, and a celestial light from above seemed to bathe him in an unearthly radiance. He held his arms open, his expression angelic yet commanding in its infinite wisdom, and, in a powerful yet benevolent voice, he finally uttered the godly name he had carried for untold eons…

"Shin."

As the aura surrounding him abruptly dissipated, the three stood blinking in the wake of the anticlimactic introduction.

This Kibito couldn't stand. "He is Kaioshin, the Supreme Kai, master of the entire universe, the last remaining and strongest remnant of the union of the Supreme Kai's - one-time and only survivor of the battle with the horrible monster Buu and his master Bibidi, along with all of the forces of darkness." Kibito paused, taking a deep breath. "You should take off your shoes and bow before his glory! Lord of all the Kai's, protector of the helpless, guardian of…" Kibito faltered, unable to think of accolades worthy of his master quickly enough. "…little puppies and flowers and…"

"Kibito," Kaioshin interrupted.

"Y…yes, Supreme Kai?" Kibito responded fearfully.

"Come closer."

"Of course, Supreme Kai!" Kibito ran and knelt before him.

"A little closer."

"As you wish, Kaioshin," Kibito leaned in toward him.

The pristine calm of the planet was shattered by the echo of the Supreme Kai's open hand against Kibito's large pink cheek.

"Who's your daddy, Kibito?" asked the Supreme Kai in his implacably calm voice.

"You are, Supreme Kai."

"That's right. And when Daddy says be quiet, what do we do?"

"We are quiet, Supreme Kai."

"Good. I just wanted to make sure we were clear on that little detail. Now go sit on that rock until I call you."

Kibito walked dejectedly over to the rock Shin had gestured to, muttering under his breath.

"Kibito? Did you say something?" Kaioshin asked, his cool tone belying the threat implied.

"No Supreme Kai!" Kibito answered quickly, sitting down on the rock. "Nothing!"

"That's what I thought," the Kai said, turning his attention back to Sarie Mue. "As I was saying," he began, casting a meaningful glance at Kibito, "you can call me Shin." He looked back to Kibito, almost as if challenging him to say anything to the contrary. "Just Shin," he repeated for emphasis.

Sarie Mue was utterly confused and more than a little scared, but still somehow found herself somewhat attracted to this short, purple fellow with his mohawk. "Okay… Shin," she said.

Behind the Supreme Kai, Kibito was biting his lips, trying to keep from saying anything. He let out a moan of pain.

The Supreme Kai seemed not to notice and smiled indulgingly. "There," he said. "That wasn't so hard was it? Now, how about we enjoy a nice meal while we figure out just what to do with you?"

He clapped his hands together, and there appeared before them a picnic blanket and a fully prepared meal.

"As you appear to be an Earth-type creature… humans, I believe they're called?" he looked over his shoulder at Kibito.

"You are correct, Sir."

"Yes," Shin continued. "I have prepared what I understand to be an earth-type delicacy. A meal of roast caribou with raspberry sauce and a side of roast corn all served over a bed of spinach leaves. I trust this meets your approval, Sarie?"

Sarie Mue shuddered in a mixture of horror and disgust, remembering the last time she had eaten such a meal, but, afraid to offend the Supreme ruler of the universe, and risk a fate similar to Kibito's, she put on her best fake smile.

"Yum!" she said.

"Then let us dine…" he said.

_________________________________________

Half an hour later, after just barely avoiding vomiting on the sacred realm of the Kai planet, Sarie had nibbled enough of the meal to claim to be finished.

"That was really…urp…great, Supreme Kai," she said.

"SHIN!" he shouted, causing Sarie Mue to jump back in fear. He quickly regained his composure. "I mean to say, you may simply call me Shin. Titles are unnecessary between us." He gave her a meaningful look.

"I believe I have finished my meal as well," he looked down at his plate, with a few shreds of partially chewed spinach, a corn cob and a several caribou bones. "Kibito, you may eat now," he said, pushing his plate to the pink giant.

"Thank you, Supreme Kai!" Kibito said, biting into the corn cob.

"Well, Sarie Mue…Your presence here remains a mystery, but it is one that will have to wait. Kibito and I have some pressing matters to attend to on Earth. Apparently, someone is trying to revive a great monster there called Buu. We are going to find out where the monster is hidden by making sure they get almost all the energy they need to revive him, which they never would otherwise, and then follow them back to the hiding place. It's a foolproof plan! We're also going to recruit some insanely powerful loose cannons, who might end up supplying the rest of the energy needed to revive Buu, to help us fight some evil henchman, all the while urging them to hurry in long, drawn-out speeches. You may accompany us if you wish, to see our masterful, expert plan in action."

"Umm…Are you sure that will work?" asked Sarie Mue, who, having seen the Buu saga, knew that it wouldn't.

"YOU DARE QUESTION THE BRILLIANCE OF THE SUPREME KAI'S PLAN?!" Kibito shouted. "Have you any idea of the centuries of careful thought that…"

Kibito paused, looked in the Supreme Kai's direction. Pulling his fist back, Kibito punched himself in the face with a thundering CRACK, and fell to the ground bleeding.

The Supreme Kai nodded slightly in approval before turning his attention back to Sarie Mue.

"While usually I do not approve of his ranting, I'm afraid that Kibito was right this time, Sarie. We know what we are doing. You needn't worry."

"O..okay," was all she could reply.

"Now, take my hand and I will transport us to Earth. You can watch some of the battles at the tournament where we will enact our perfect, flawless plan. Then we can return here for… other entertainment." His confident smile left little doubt as to the method of entertainment to which he was referring. But somehow, Sarie Mue didn't find herself minding all that much.

Kibito just shook with impotent rage.

_________________________________________

As many times as she had watched DBZ tournaments on the show, Sarie Mue found that it was much more exciting seeing them in person. There was nothing like actually sitting in the stands, watching all of her favorite fighters go at it. She cheered as young Trunks and Goten fought it out in the junior division tournament. She found it somewhat more difficult to cheer for Krillen as he fought the pompous giant, but managed to grin and bear it.

But seeing Piccolo, one of the greatest warriors on Earth, back down from a fight with Shin had a strange effect on her.

He's short…he's purple…he has a mohawk... she thought. So why am I still so attracted to him? He has that sort of quiet confidence…an inner strength that's just…amazing.

Though at first, she had been sure she could never fall for him, she had begun to see him in a new light. In fact, she was so busy thinking on this newfound revelation that she failed to notice the disappearance of all the fighters and the ridiculous battle between 18 and Hercule. (She'd seen it all on the Cartoon Network dubs, anyway!) She didn't even notice the return of the Supreme Kai, Gohan, Vegeta and Goku to the arena.

Yes! she thought forcefully to herself. As soon as this match is over, I'll go find him and tell him that I don't care how he looks. He is fine on the INSIDE, and that's what matters. Yes! Hmm? Who's fighting now?

This was to be her last thought for awhile as Vegeta's ki blast rolled over the area where she was sitting like a nuclear shockwave, obliterating hundreds of lives, hers included, in an instant.

_______________________________________

Strangely, she did not find herself floating in a black starfield. She found herself as a yellowish blob waiting in line in front of a gigantic desk.

How strange, she thought. Usually, the Great Will pulls me out before this part. I guess I still have something to do here. She grinned to herself, (at least as much as a yellowish blob can grin) Come on, Al! It's time to leap. She shrugged off the impromptu pop-culture reference and awaited her turn in line.

Seemingly days later, she approached the desk. The booming voice of King Yemma bellowed suspiciously at her.

"What are you doing here? You aren't even in our records! Did the Great Will have something to do with this? I've told that crazy chick before not to…"

Suddenly, she and the rest of the yellow blobs disappeared as the mystical powers of Shenlong inevitably worked their magic, sending the crowd of people crashing back down to earth in the rubble of the once-glorious Budoukai stadium.

"Hmm…" Sarie Mue mused. "No wonder Krillen was suicidal. I don't know how many more times I could take the whole dying and coming back thing… Anyway, I need to find Shin and tell him how I feel."

She spent the next day looking for any sign of Shin with no luck, when the people around her began to spontaneously combust. She saw a ball of pinkish/purple light head toward her at lightning speed. She had exactly .073 seconds to remember that Buu was destroying all of humanity in one attack (as per Piccolo's suggestion) and that she was about to get killed again.

"Oh," she said.

Once again, she found herself waiting in line as a yellow blob. The line was much bigger this time, and King Yemma was losing patience. Finally, he told all the yellow blobs to shut up and put the VBC, (Vegeta Beating Channel) on the big T.V. so they could watch Buu beat up on Vegeta. Apparently, the VBC was the prime source of entertainment in the universe for the past few decades.

Despite the fact that Vegeta had killed her less than a day before, she found herself pitying him as Kid Buu pummeled him into mush.

"Break his arm! Break his arm!" shouted King Yemma. Sure enough, a few seconds later, Vegeta's arm was twisted grossly out of shape and hanging at his side. "What'd I tell ya'? They ALWAYS break his arm!" King Yemma shouted to Baba. "Pay up!"

The grumbling old witch began flipping through her wallet. "It's worth it anyway," she said. "All they ever show nowadays is reruns of 18 breaking his arm. They remix it into a half-dozen music videos, but it's still the same old fight…"

Eventually, Vegeta stopped getting beat-up long enough to come up with a plan to save the world, and all the yellow blobs disappeared once again, landing onto the newly formed Earth. Sarie got to listen first hand as Vegeta swore at them telepathically to raise their hands.

"Raise your hands in the air!" he had shouted, his voice filled with anger. "Raise them like you just don't care! Now everybody say Heeey! Now everybody say Hoooo! Now…"

Next Goku had tried. "I know we're asking a lot, but you have to trust us," he'd said. "I want you to be sure that you can trust us! Now, raise your hands if you're sure!"

Finally, the world had joined in, raising their hands, and chanting praises to Satan. Sarie Mue had just wanted it all to be over so she could get back to her short, purple, mohawked Supreme Kai.

The day after they'd returned to earth, she finally saw him again. She `felt' him teleport just behind her in a flash of light.

"Sarie Mue," he whispered into her ear. "I've come back for you."

She turned around, almost faint with relief and happiness at the return of her love, and… screamed.

Instead of the deep purple skin she'd fallen in love with, he was now a washed-out lavender/pinkish hue. Instead of the mohawk she'd finally adjusted to, he now had…a mullet.

"WHY?!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "I finally manage to overlook the fact that he had a mohawk, I die twice and come back from the dead to see him, and now you give him a Michael Bolton mullet? He looks like a pink Billy Ray Cyrus! Just end it now…Great Will of the Cosmos, end it now!"

In a flash, Sarie Mue disappeared, leaving the fused Supreme Kai looking rather confused.

"How did that happen?" he asked no one in particular. "She just disappeared."

"Oh well," he said. "She was not worthy of the great Supreme Kai anyway… lord of all the known universe, protector of..."

He was interrupted as he slapped himself swiftly across the face.

"WHO'S MY DADDY?!" he shouted angrily to himself.

"I am," he replied meekly. "I am."

­­­­­­­­­­ 3;­­_______________________________________________

Floating in an endless starfield, Sarie Mue was glad to finally be dead again. She had known from the beginning that it just couldn't have worked between her and the Supreme Kai…Shin. He was just too…weird. And he was short!

How could she be expected to love someone who wasn't taller than her? She didn't consider herself shallow, but she wasn't without her standards, either!

The Great Will of the Cosmos, for her part, had more important things to worry about. Since the last story, she'd heard rumors of Kibito joining "le resistance." This whole thing was getting out of hand.

"I think I know just the one for Sarie Mue," she said to herself. "Once I get her taken care of, I can turn my full attention to taking care of the chronically abused minor characters. I need someone who can keep an eye on Sarie Mue… in fact… maybe three eyes…"

Chapter 6: Tien