Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Sarie Mue ❯ Tien ( Chapter 6 )

Miles and worlds away, the fashion world's top executives, all lecherous, middle-aged men, were at an inter-company board meeting, discussing the prospect of the new "transparent" look for the new summer line.

"We'll call it the `natural' look," said Arty, a 48 year-old balding man, tipping his cigar into the ashtray on the table. "We'll get those idiots at Cosmo to run articles about how `Opaque is too fake - Go natural!'"

"Yes!" Mort, 53, agreed, idly scratching at his beer-gut under his new $500 silk suit. "We can buy in bulk and make the clothes from Saran-wrap. Then we can do a 750% mark-up. It's genius!"

Walter, adjusting his toupee, looked up from the latest issue of Maxim magazine. "Just think. If we can trick them into wearing the stuff as swimwear…"

The men all grinned the smiles of pathetic, yet filthy-rich dirty old men, as they each indulged in fantasies of flesh less than half their age covered only by the latest Gladwrap Bikini…

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Sarie Mue, meanwhile, shrugged off thoughts of her illogical wardrobe choices to momentarily take off her hood to see her new face in the convenient mirror. She was olive-skinned with stunning green eyes and gorgeous, pouting lips. Her wavy black hair, tinted red as if from the sun, blew gently in the desert breeze.

"Wow," Sarie Mue said. "This is different…but I think I like it."

She put her hood back up to protect herself from the cruel, relentless, blinding, deadly, evil, malignant, gut-wrenching, agonizing, infamous and all-around yucky desert sun. Looking up from the mirror, she saw she was almost at the first of the mountain chain. As it loomed ever closer into view, she saw that it did, indeed, house a cave system that looked like it would provide adequate shelter from the #%$* mother @&^ son of a ^+#)! desert sun in the =&^(* sky above.

Suddenly, a voice rang out across, echoing in the small valley formed by the mountains against the desert plain. "Who dares intrude upon this place of sanctuary?"

Sarie Mue rolled her eyes. "Not again!" she muttered.

"You have violated the grounds of the deadly assassin and thief Dark Cloud, ruler of the desert. Leave now, while you still can, interloper!"

Having cowered in fear too much, too often, Sarie decided to confront the scary voice head on. In a rare moment of coolness, she called out, "I hate being called `interloper,' and you stole your name from that tiger, dragon movie or whatever. So go ahead and kill me, or give me some water! Frankly, I'm too tired to care which, right now."

A cloaked figure emerged from the shadows of one of the cave openings, followed by another very short figure a few steps behind, its oversized cloak leaving a serpent-like trail in the sand. "I am the dread pirate Roberts!" the cloaked figure said ominously. "I leave no survivors! I am here for your sssooooouuuuuuul."

Sarie Mue sighed loudly, crossing her arms over her ample, heaving bosom. "I've seen The Princess Bride like, a billion times," she said. "I'm not scared of you, so you might as well stop."

The larger figure stopped suddenly, pulling the hood back to reveal the stern features of Tien. "Wow," he said. "You really don't scare easily, do you?"

The smaller figure, not having noticed him stop, lurched forward, bumping hard against the backs of Tien's knees. "Ow!" squeaked Chaotzu, falling down and rubbing his head as the cloak fell off of him.

Sarie Mue laughed at the sight of what looked like an animated kewpie doll poking out its bottom lip in a pout.

"Tiennnn…." Chaotzu whined. "She laughing at me."

Tien turned his stern three-eyed gaze to Sarie Mue. "I don't like for people to laugh at my friend…" he cut his eyes to Chaotzu sitting in the bundled up cloak, a small knot forming on his eerily white head. "No matter how silly he looks," he snickered.

Chaotzu crossed his arms in a huff. "Tiennnnn!"

"Well, I told you not to follow me out here, Chaotzu. You're just not scary, enough."

"At least I don't go off quoting stupid movies. What the ^&$% kind of stupid $^#! was that, anyway?"

Sarie Mue's jaw dropped at the expletives pouring from the puppet's mouth. She knew Funimation tried to clean up DBZ, but she had no idea…

"Anyway," the puppet continued, "you tell the ^$^@ over there to keep her !%#^ laughing to herself or I'll &$^+ blast her, I swear I will."

"Now Chaotzu," said Tien consolingly, "Did you forget to take your medication again this morning? You've been moody all day. Go take it, now."

"Whatever," the puppet said, shuffling off into the cave.

"Sorry about that," Tien said to Sarie Mue. "He's really sensitive sometimes, and the doctor said he's bipolar or something. If he doesn't take his medicine he can get really mean, sometimes."

"That's so sad," said Sarie Mue. "He looks so nice."

"Yeah," agreed Tien. "He is most of the time, but when he gets one of those spells he'll go into these rants - they last for hours sometimes. He gets so mad and stomps his little feet and swears a blue streak. It's kind of scary…but..." Tien cracked a smile. "So FUNNY!" Tien snickered. "I try not to laugh at him, but he looks so cute when he's mad. He's like one of those little barking Pekinese dogs or something, with his squeaky little voice…" Tien kept laughing for a minute before he finally managed to stop.

Sarie Mue laughed with him. Tien, despite the weird third eye thing and his fierce, steely raptor gaze, once he got to talking, he had an easy manner about him that she immediately liked…a lot.

He looked at her…with his three eyes. "I was so busy trying to scare you away that I forgot to ask your name. I'm Tenshinhan."

"Bless you," she said quickly.

He rolled his eyes… all three of them. "That's what everyone says. Just call me..." he sighed, "Tien."

"Okay," she said. "I'm Sarie Mue."

"And she makes fun of my name," he muttered.

"What was that?" she asked innocently.

"Nothing," he said, not wanting to offend this attractive creature who had wandered in from the desert. "Why don't you come into the cave and have some water? You must be parched."

"Okay," Sarie chirped, her mood brightening. Maybe this really would be the one.

Entering Tien's desert hideout, she took quick stock of her surroundings. She immediately noticed something very odd about Tien's decorating. There were two of everything - one large, one small. A large chair sat next to a tiny stool. A 40 inch plasma screen TV was mounted above a tiny 12 inch black and white set. A large couch sat next to a tiny Ottoman, who immediately jumped up off of the miniature couch beside the larger one and ran off into the desert.

"Wow," said Sarie, "This is certainly a… unique… style of decorating. Is it Fungus Shoe?"

"That's Feng Shui," Tien supplied. "And no, not really. But Chaotzu absolutely demands he have his own set of things his size. He is really sensitive about his height. Having to reach for things… upsets him. A lot."

"Can't he fly?" Sarie asked.

"SSHHHHH!" Tien shushed her quickly. "It doesn't matter how silly his hang-ups are, if you point them out, he's likely to go nuts. You've upset him enough already."

"Umm…okay…" Sarie mumbled uncertainly.

At just that moment, a tiny door (next to a much larger one) opened, and Chaotzu marched proudly into the room. Instead of his usual dollish garb, he wore a blue uniform with a red stripe across the chest and a boat-shaped hat. He kept one of his delicate white hands inside the fold of the jacket. In the other, he held a traditional officer's saber.

Sarie Mue opened her mouth to laugh at the ridiculous sight standing in the doorway, but Tien's hand flew out to cover it.

"Greetings, emperor," Tien said, giving Sarie a pointed look. "You grace us with your presence," he said slowly, emphasizing his meaning to Sarie.

The dollish figure cut his gaze to Sarie as Tien removed his hand from her mouth. After she said nothing, the very little "emperor" cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh!" Sarie exclaimed. "Right. Umm… Hi, emperor?" she said uncertainly.

Chaotzu sniffed, not pleased with her greeting, but satisfied. "I demand an explanation for the presence of this interloper!" Chaotzu squeaked importantly.

Sarie Mue stomped her foot. "I am not an INTERLOPER!!!" she screamed.

"You dare to challenge the will of Emperor Chaotzu?!!" the miniature megalomaniac demanded. "I will send you to the guillotine for such insolence in my court!"

"Chaotzu," Tien said consolingly. "She is a stranger here and not aware of our customs. Mercy is the mark of a great leader. Why don't you go to your throne room and take your royal nap. I will deal with her."

The miniscule monarch considered for a moment before nodding his assent. "Very well chancellor. You may take care of this detail for me." He sneered at Sarie Mue again. "I fear though that I am becoming too merciful. I will lose the respect of my people!" he cried with a sweeping gesture.

Sarie looked at the empty room and back to Tien, who was barely suppressing a smirk. "Your majesty will always be first in his people's *snicker* hearts," he assured the petite potentate.

Chaotzu let out a yawn, stretching his tiny arms above his head, prompting an "Awwwww…" from Sarie. Chaotzu looked at her sharply, as she put her arms behind her back and began to whistle tunelessly. "Right then - do as you will with the prisoner and call a review of my troops for in the morning."

Tien grabbed a notebook from the table next to him and began drawing random circles. "So it is written, so let it be done," Tien said solemnly, as Chaotzu headed back through the tiny door.

Tien finally let out a long, slow sigh. "You've really upset him. He hasn't been that bad off in weeks," he said, shaking his head.

"Wow," she replied. "That little door looks just like our doggy door back home."

"QUIET!" Tien urged, again putting his hand over her mouth. "He'll really lose it if he hears you talking that way." Tien leaned in closer to Sarie, whispering into her ear, "He listens sometimes. He's paranoid that people are talking about him behind his back, and I'm usually the only one here!"

Tiens three eyes darted about the room, looking for signs that Chaotzu had heard Sarie's unflattering comment. "You don't know how it is, Sarie. He used to be so well-adjusted. But he got this weird disease… You see, Chaotzus are known for how happy and cheerful they are. But every now and then, one of them gets some sort of alien infection that keeps them from controlling their emotions. And under the surface, Chaotzus have a lot of bad feelings."

"Ohhh," Sarie said sadly. "It's just like Sarek."

"What?" asked Tien, confused.

"I don't know," Sarie scratched her head, confused. Maybe the authors are using me to make obscure references to another show they are obsessed with, she thought.

"Never mind," Sarie said, shrugging it off. "So how about that @$*! kicking son of a ^!&* sun out there?"

"Yeah," Tien agreed, impressed with her swearing. "It's really a *!$% licking !^&$ spanking $&@$ @$&$ing mother !$^$%@ of a &!$! up there, huh?"

"Yep," she replied. "And relentless, too!"

They laughed together, both making crude gestures out the window at the sun.

"But I really am sorry you have such a tough time with Chaotzu," Sarie said, becoming serious again. "I wish there was something I could do to help."

"Thanks," Tien nodded. "That means a lot to me… but let's not talk about that now. I hope you're not bored. It gets pretty dull hanging out in a cave all the time. I'm just used to it. Do you want to play a board game?"

Her hand whipped across his face, almost scratching his third eye. "I barely know you! How dare you ask me to play MahJong with you?!"

"I didn't!" he answered in a hurt tone. He crossed over to a large cabinet next to a smaller one, opening it to pull out a box marked Clue. "I just thought you might want to play Clue, that's all!"

Sarie's faced turned a bright red. "I'm so sorry! I thought…" She clenched her hands into fists. "Those stupid Funimation censors got me confused. They're almost as bad as the !&&$ using !$^!# inserting lover of !&%& and !*^$ sun out there."

"It's okay," Tien assured her. "I'm used to being misunderstood. Remember, I live with a quick-tempered schizophrenic who's so short he can barely reach to tie his own shoes!" he joked.

"I HEARD THAT!" a piercing squeak echoed through the room, the tiny door blowing off its hinges in a diminutive explosion. "I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT ME!!!"

"Chaotzu calm down!" Tien begged, holding his hands out innocently. "I didn't mean anything..."

"YES YOU DID! YOU INSULTED ME!" Chaotzu screeched. "I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Chaotzu put his hands on his head, yellow energy radiating from him in hot, fierce waves.

"Sarie! Get down!" shouted Tien. As she hit the floor of the cave, he threw himself over her.

With a final shout from the enraged doll-like figure, the cave exploded outward, chunks of rock flying in all directions.

A few second later, as the smoke cleared, all that was left in the middle of the desert was a pile of rock and the overturned remains of one large chair and one small.

Tien stood up, regarding his furious friend. "Chaotzu, I've put up with a lot from you. I've played along with your delusions. I've forgiven you when you got mad at me for no reason. I've bathed you. I've clipped your toenails. I've…" he looked at Sarie, who was making her way to her feet and giving Tien a very confused and perhaps disgusted look.

"Anyway, I've put up with a lot from you, but now you've gone too far. You blew up our house!" he yelled, gesturing to the pile of rubble surrounding them.

"!$% right I did!" the stringless puppet shouted. "And I'd do it again, too! I told you to keep that !%#% girl away from me, but did you? !@$% no! You let her in the cave! And then both of you stood there laughing at me! Conspired against my !$^^$ rule!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE A RULE!" Tien screamed. "You rule nothing! You go around telling everyone you are an emperor, but I've never even SEEN another Chaotzu! You just make this stuff up! Just like you made up your invisible rabbit friend! You're a make-up wearing midget who can't even control his own bodily functions properly, much less rule an empire!"

Sarie Mue just stared at them, her mouth wide open as huge anime sweat drops appeared on her head.

"That's right!" Tien said to her. "He wears diapers! And you don't want to know how hard it is to buy diapers when you live in a desert!"

With a desperate, humiliated scream, Chaotzu rushed at Tien, glowing with power and pent-up rage. Tien turned to meet the attack of his one-time best friend, the setting (!#%#) sun giving the sky and sand an eerie red glow. As the two clashed in heated combat, Sarie could almost hear drums and trumpets and French horns blaring angrily along with the sound of the primal screams as friend struggled against friend.

Finally, Dr. McCoy called for a halt as he approached T'Pau… Whoops. Sorry.

After a particularly fierce explosion knocked the two combatants apart, Tien held cradled his left arm as if it had been broken. Chaotzu was covered with dark bruises and dripping blood. "I… can't beat you," Chaotzu gasped, his voice hoarse. He turned a dark gaze on his opponent/friend.

"But I can still hurt you."

He held his arm toward Sarie, a pinpoint of yellow energy forming on the end of his index finger. "She's the cause of all this anyway." His voice took on a desperate, pleading tone. "And if I kill her, maybe we'll be friends again…"

"No!" shouted Tien. "That won't solve anything! Leave her out of this!"

"I…have to," Chaotzu whispered, almost as if he was afraid of himself. "I have to make everything better… You'll see." Tears started to fall from his doll-like cheek. "Everything will be…better." The beam of energy shot toward the frozen body of Sarie Mue, who stood paralyzed with fear.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Tien, leaping desperately between the deadly beam and the innocent girl. He thrust his hands out instinctively, forming a ki barrier to try to catch or somehow deflect the dodonpa beam before it could pierce her chest. The beam deflected off of Tien's hand… and head straight back to its source.

In the instant it took for the tiny warrior to realize his fate, he only had time to utter one final word…

"Tien?..."

And then he was gone, the beam separating his head from his body. (Of course, because those Funimation jerks run the cameras, the camera followed his pointy boat-shaped hat as it artistically fell to the ground in slow motion instead of showing the ultra-cool beheading scene. But if you really want to see it, then go to the Japanese version of this story… Oh wait. There's not one! Oh well… We've ruined the dramatic moment enough.)

"CHAOTZUUUUU!" Tien desperately cried, falling to his knees. Sobbing, he crawled over to the mangled pieces of his best friend. It looked, for all the world, as though a careless child had broken her china doll and left the pieces lying on the ground. A desert bird cried out, "Poo-tee-weet?" So it goes.

(We'll give a metaphorical cookie to anyone who can pick out that reference!)

Sarie walked over to him on shaky legs, tentatively putting a trembling hand on his shoulder as he shook with quiet rage and regret. "Tien, I…"

"Shut up," he growled.

"But…"

"This is your fault. I don't want to see you, and I don't want to talk to you. Just go," he said with a deadly calm.

"I… okay." She started to back away. "It was what you had to do, though… I hope that someday you'll be able to forgive yourself… and find some sort of peace."

"I shall do neither," he said gravely as he rose to his feet, his back still to her. "I have killed my emperor, and my friend."

She nodded and turned to begin her walk through the desert. When she had walked nearly a mile from the shattered remains of Tien's cave and those of his life, she heard a deafening explosion. Turning, she saw a fountain of yellow light erupting from the ground, its brightness rivaling that of the !$^*( dog !$^$^$ing !$&! sun.

She turned quickly away, holding her face in her hands. As she sobbed, she whispered to the desert wind, "If not in life, I hope you've made your peace now, Tien."

Three days later, the !$^!# loving mother !#^^ goat !&!$^$ing spawn of !&&$^%$ and $^!#% sun got its revenge as Sarie Mue died of exposure in the endless desert.

Several vultures had a fine meal that day.

So it goes.

*****

The Great Will of the Cosmos watched the scene through her "Omniscient-Point-of-View-o-Scope," a look of quiet shock written across her… uh… countenance. She hugged a whimpering Pedro for comfort. On one screen the charred remains of two friends still smoked weakly. On the other screen Sarie was artistically sprawled on the desert floor with vultures pecking (artistically) at her bones.

"&*&%&^," the Great Will said quietly. "That is some depressing @%^%$. I was like Blue Gender, Titanic, and the death of Mufasa all rolled into one."

She reviewed the latest misadventures of Sarie Mue, which had gradually gotten covered over with strategies and plans to combat Le Resistance. "Perhaps… I haven't paid enough attention to poor Sarie. Even a shallow petty girl like her doesn't deserve all this. I mean, she's died four or five times in just the last few chapters. This is really getting out of hand." The Great Will pulled out a small purple notebook, regarding the fifty names written on the first page, five already crossed out. With a disappointed sigh, the Great Will put a line through Tien's name. She considered briefly whether or not she should bring the two back to life, but disregarded the notion quickly. Both Tien and Chaotzu were members of Le Resistance.

"I need someone who'll be nice to her, and won't kill her. She has a strange tendency of dying. Someone who's mild-mannered, not impulsive, not a villain, not a fighter… hmm…" Her gaze stopped at name 16 on her list. She debated for a moment, but the decision was already made in her subconscious. (At least, that's what my Psych professor told me.) "He WAS pretty lonely during the Frieza Saga. Plus, Earth isn't getting attacked at that point… why not?" she ended with a satisfied nod.

Chapter 7: Mr. Popo