Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Sarie Mue ❯ The Great Saiyaman ( Chapter 9 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

And what romance fic would be complete without delving into the embarrassing world of Great Saiyaman and spazo Gohan in high school. And why are there so many fics about this?

Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 12.05.2005 | Pages: 7 | Words: 11.5K | Visits: 321 | Status: Completed

Disclaimer: Okay, so for all of you people out there who think we own Dragonball Z (and who could blame you? Our story is EXACTLY like the show, after all…) we really don't. Got that? Good. Now, moving on…

Arthur's notes: Behold, I have Excalibur! I am King of all the Britons. I like to wear dragons on my outfits, and I say funny words like `prythee' and `verily' and `smite' and `forsooth!' Yea, I verily find myself sighing with great contentment. It's good to be the king.

Author's notes: No, you are not dreaming or hallucinating (or having visions, as I like to give my characters in “The Soul”). This really is the next chapter in “Sarie Mue.” Really. We aren't kidding you. You can check it with our sources. You can put us through a lie-detector test. You can torture us for the information. Or… you can simply read the chapter. Got that? Good.

Prologue: The Great Will of the Macrocosm glanced up from her battle plans as her latest `volunteer' announcer began his introduction.

“THE CITY OF TOWNSVILLE…er…THE WORLD OF…um…FANFICTION?” The sourceless voice, seeming to echo from everywhere and nowhere all at once, let out an exasperated sigh.

“MRS. WILL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO WITH THIS. I USUALLY JUST WORK IN THE ONE AREA…AND I MAKE A FEW FUNNY COMMENTS ABOUT THE POWERPUFF GIRLS OR THE MAYOR AND THEN CLOSE THE EPISODE WITH A PUN. THIS IS A BIT BEYOND MY USUAL SCOPE.”

The Great Will let out an exasperated sigh of her own. “I've already told you, just keep it simple. I mean, even Shatner managed to do this, so it can't be that complicated!

“OKAY, THEN,” said the voice. “DID YOU SAY THIS STORY HAD A SUPERHERO IN IT, TOO?”

“Now, now… We can't give away too much,” the Great Will said. “Just give us a good basic intro and then I'll let you get back to floating omnisciently over Townsville.”

The voice seemed mollified. “ALRIGHTY THEN!” he said cheerfully.

“THE WORLD OF FANFICTION! WHERE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!”

Pictures began to form to compliment his narrative. A city appeared, floating cars zipping merrily by and children running happily through the streets with “I Love Satan” T-shirts proudly displayed, pictures of an afroed-fighter giving a V-for-victory sign plastered across their chests.

“BUT…OH NO! WHAT'S THIS?”

A group of men in ski masks and striped outfits were crashing through the doors of the Satan City Bank.

“A BANK ROBBERY?! WHO CAN STOP THESE FIENDISH FELONS FROM FINISHING THIS DASTARDLY DEED? WELL, WHO ELSE BUT…

THE POW…er…of…THE GREAT SAIYAMAN?!!

The opening credits begin - shots of the green clad fighter flash by, his white head-covering flapping dramatically in the wind in one scene - silhouetted against a sunset in the next - kneeling in front of a blossoming cherry tree in the next…

Cheesy music plays throughout this intro sequence. And, like most anime, the intro song has compelling-yet-strangely-incoherent lyrics. A sultry female voice begins to sing:

Going ever forward, you face ever-new challenges,

Yet never satisfied until you find the battle you seek,

Never truly happy until the thing which you want to prove has been proven,

To everyone but yourseeeeeeelf!

Never forgetting the promise I made to you,

That one perfect day… I will find you again someday -

And even if I never do, then at least my journey

Will have been with the crying of the tears on my faaaaaace!

Walking into a red sunset, with friendship as my guide,

But what is the use of love if you will always walk alone?

What is hiding behind the masks I am wearing?

Seeking that shining moment when it will finally rising,

To fly above the skyyyyyyyyyyy!

Chapter 9: Saiyaman and Sarie Mue

“READY!” shouted one of Frieza's guards.

Sarie prepared herself for the inevitable. After all, at least she wasn't going to be tortured by Frieza. He'd decided to get rid of her quickly.

“AIM!” shouted the guard.

Well, she thought. This is certainly a new way to go.

“F-,” the guard was suddenly cut off.

“What?” Sarie asked aloud, just as the universe tore itself into a thousand thousand pieces.

All the color and all the meaning seemed to fade away until Sarie could see nothing but a jumble of multi-colored lights.

I certainly never thought getting fired out of a torpedo tube would be like a kaleidoscope, she thought.

Suddenly, the colored coalesced into one dominant theme - sky blue with puffy white spots dotted here and there.

“Wow!” said Sarie. “This looks just like the sky.”

It then occurred to Sarie Mue that she actually was in the sky and was falling. This occurred to here because she happened to turn over in the air and see that she was about to collide with the cement-covered ground.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” screamed Sarie Mue. “Aaaaah!” she added.

Just then, a green blur appeared and she felt herself rushing upwards away from the dreaded ground. She felt a pair of strong, polyester-clad arms holding her. Turning around see her rescuer, she saw a bug-like helmet with a dark visor.

“The Great Saiyaman?!” she screamed above the rushing of the wind.

“That's me! Here to save the helpless and protect the…uh…ones who may need to be protected! Justice will always prevail! Hoo-hah!” he exclaimed.

Oh my goodness! thought Sarie Mue. The Great Will decided to skip the blowing up part and drop me right into The Great Saiyaman's arms! This is GREAT! This is what she should have done in the first place.

He landed at a nearby park andplaced here gently on her feet.

“Wow!” she said. “I can't believe it's really you!”

“Uh,” the masked figure replied, one arm reaching back to scratch his head nervously. “Yeah. It's me!” he finally stuttered.

“You saved my life!” exclaimed Sarie Mue. “I thought I was a goner for sure.”

The masked figure suddenly struck a ridiculous pose - one foot one the ground, one foot jutting at an awkward angle out into the air. He stuck his arms above his head and bent them downward, effectively making a “McDonald's” arch. A burst of red and white stripes appeared behind him (looking nothing like the U.S. flag, of course).

At the top of his lungs, he screamed, “IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR,” he sucked in a huge breath, “THE GREAT SAIYAMAAAAAAN!!!”

Sarie Mue simply stared blankly at him. He continued to hold the pose.

She coughed quietly. He began to sweat.

“Are you done?” she asked.

He finally dropped his arms and put his foot down. “Yeah, I guess so,” he said.

“Okay,” she replied.

“You don't seem to be too impressed,” the Great Saiyaman said, somewhat disappointed.

“Oh, no!” she said quickly. “The flying and the saving part - that was all great. It was just…well…” she tapered off.

“What?” he asked. “What is it? Please tell me!”

Sarie Mue thought carefully. She didn't want to lose her chance with Gohan by embarrassing him or upsetting him, but some things were more important. Like speaking out for all the Gohan fans who had to live daily with their dream guy prancing about like a nancy boy.

“The poses and the shouting look really stupid, okay? For Dende's sake! You can fly, you can fight, you can crow…er…well, not really. But still, you're really cool. You don't have to do all of that stupid posturing to impress people. And what's with the doo-rag? You're almost as bad as him,” she said, pointing to a “Mr. Satan” billboard.

The billboard featured a repeating ten second clip of Hercule's victory dance. Hercule turned a cartwheel, stuck his arms up in the air, jumped into several poses which might have supposed to have been martial arts stances, and finally made a McDonald's arch with his arms before sticking his hand out in a “V” for victory.

The Great Saiyaman's mouth hung open in shock. Had he really sunk that low?

“I guess you're right,” he said quietly. “I never realized.” He gave her a look like a lost puppy. “I have to go, now.”

“No! Wait!” she shouted, but it was too late. He had flown off in a flash of green. “Great,” she pouted. “Now what do I do?”

“SARIE!” someone shouted from behind her. She whipped around to see a crowd of school girls calling to her. “You're going to be late for class! Hurry!” one shouted.

She looked down to see that she was clad in the same modified sailor outfit as the rest of the girls. Around her shoulder was a leather book satchel. She reached up to feel that she wore the same cute blue beret as the other girls, too.

“O..okay,” Sarie said, hurrying to join the girls as they ran toward the school building, their skirts blowing artfully in the wind to almost, but not quite, show their unmentionables.

The gaggle of giggling girls made their way to Satan City Orange Star High School. She tried to follow the other girls' lead, not quite knowing where to go. As they filed into the classroom, she waited behind to see which seat was left open for her.

It turned out that her seat was between two vaguely familiar faces. She was to sit between Erasa and Sharpner.

“Hey, Sarie,” Erasa said. “I heard you had an adventure this morning.”

“What?” asked Sarie.

“Don't play dumb!” Sharpner said. “That green guy saved you. Everybody saw it.”

“Oh! Yeah, Goha…..ah…..The Great Saiyaman caught me when I fell…from the top of a very high building…where I was…bird-watching,” she fabricated quickly.

“So, did he talk to you?” asked Erasa. “I bet his voice was really hot, wasn't it? Did he ask you out? Did you get any clue about who he really is?”

Sharpner smirked, adding, “And did you finally tell him that his poses make him look like a wanker?”

“Um…let's see,” Sarie said. “Yes, kind of, no, not really, and none of your business.”

Having finally recognized her surroundings, Sarie realized something was missing. “Where's Videl?” she asked.

“Who?” Erasa looked at her strangely. “I don't know of any Videl that goes here. Do you, Sharpner?”

“Nope,” he said.

“Where am I?!” Videl screamed, looking at the spooky floating starfield in front of her.

“Well,” the Great Will said. “I couldn't very well have Sarie Mue fall in love with Gohan if you were around getting in the way, could I? I had to remove you from that particular reality.”

Videl folded her arms, jutting out her pointy chin defiantly. “When my father hears that I've been kidnapped, he will come and tear your very attractive feminine arms right off you body…starfield…thing,” she declared.

“You silly girl,” the Great Will laughed. “Your father doesn't even remember that you exist. In fact, he never even met your mother. I made a few changes to your reality to keep…well…you from happening.”

“Oh! Mizter Zatan! What else shall Fredericco decorate for you today, eh?” the spindly interior decorator asked.

“Is that all you ever think about?” asked Hercule. “Work, work, work.” He sighed. “Well, then, if you're so intent on decorating, why don't we go examine the bedroom?”

“Oh! Mizter Zatan!”

Back in the classroom, the professor had arrived, a very attractive young woman with an ever-present smile. She was teaching them algebra that day.

“Well, then,” the professor asked. “Let's see, then… Who can show us how to do problem number 17? Motosawa-kun?”

The class turned to see the student she had called on gazing out the window muttering to himself about something. “Pantsu…” he whispered.

“What about panties, Motosawa-kun? Something you would like to share with the rest of us?” the professor asked.

“WHAA?!” he suddenly shouted. “NOT AGAIN!!!”

Erasa rolled her eyes. “That Hideki - what an idiot,” she said acidly.

“Yeah,” agreed Sharpner. “But his persocon is really cute.”

“What?” Sarie Mue asked.

“Never mind,” they both answered.

Suddenly, the door to the class burst open. Everyone turned in surprise to see Gohan looking very embarrassed. He bowed deeply and began apologizing profusely to the professor.

“I am very sorry that one of my wretched status has inconvenienced the class by interrupting your very important lecture, please forgive my insolent behavior,” he said without breathing.

The cheery professor smiled and gestured for him to sit down. As he walked across the room Sarie noted that a white doo-rag trailing out of his back pocket and flashes of a green tunic sticking out of his shirt. A red cape, sticking out of the top of his book satchel, dragged on the ground behind him. But for some reason, no one else seemed to notice this. Gohan finally managed to jump over or avoid all the legs stuck out to trip him to get to his seat.

“There's that stupid new guy, Gohan,” Sharpner said. “What a nerd.”

“I don't know,” Erasa said. “He's kind of cute, but he's certainly no Great Saiyaman.”

“That's for sure,” Sharpner said. “The Great Saiyaman may be a pompous wanker with stupid poses, but even he is a million times cooler than Gohan.”

“Really, though,” Erasa said. “There aren't two people on Earth more different than Gohan and the Great Saiyaman.”

“Yeah,” Sharpner chimed in. “They're like night and day - complete and total opposites.”

The professor smiled at the class. “Now, then, since Son-kun has chosen to join us, we can begin our literature lesson. We will discuss the concept of irony today.”

Sarie, for her part, just stared dreamily at the young Saiyan. She didn't care what the rest of them thought, she knew who he really was. And he would be hers - whatever it took.

After class, she followed Gohan at a distance, watching to see where he went.

He went to the park, sat down on a bench and began to raffle through his satchel, moving boots, a cape, sunglasses, and gloves out of the way to find a book. He finally found the one he was looking for and began to read.

He was so engrossed in his book that he didn't notice her approach. She decided to break the ice by seeing what he was reading. She glanced at the cover.

“The Joy of Mah-Jong - a Guide for the Absolute and Complete Beginner,” she read aloud.

“WHAAAAA?!” Gohan shouted, trying to tuck the book quickly into his bag. “Where did you come from?” The book fell out of his hand and landed on the ground, still opened to a heavily-illustrated page.

“GUAAAA!!” he shouted, picking it up and finally managing to shove it in his bag beside his police radio scanner.

“Sorry if I startled you,” she said.

“Um…no…no…not at all,” he said, laughing and blushing furiously with complete humiliation.

“Hey!” he said suddenly, “I remember you. You're the girl I caught…er…that The Great Saiyaman saved this morning. Right?”

“Yes,” she said. “I'm Sarie. We're in class together.”

“That's right! I knew I remembered you from somewhere this morning…er…this morning when I came to class. Not before,” he said smoothly.

“You remembered me from class when you came into class this morning?” she asked.

“Um…yep. That's right,” he said. “Sometimes, I…umm…forget people from day to day…so I have to remind myself when I see them again…and…yeah…that's what I meant, not that I recognized you from anywhere else,” said the clever master of disguise.

Sarie Mue sighed heavily. “Gohan, it's okay. I know your secret,” she said.

A look of horror came over his face. “No!” he protested. “Piccolo was just training me. It was innocent! It was just that one time. I didn't even enjoy it. I swear…” he stuttered.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“Oh!” he said. “What secret were you saying you knew before I said that thing that has absolutely nothing to do with anything?”

“I know you're the Great Saiyaman,” she said.

He stared at her blankly. “Nooo…” he said. “I'm not the Great Saiyaman! He's waaaay cooler than me, y `know?”

Sarie folded her arms and rolled her eyes until they almost stuck in the back of her head.

“And,” Gohan continued. “I'm not nearly that strong. I'm really weak! Go ahead! Hit me!”

Deciding to humor him, Sarie gave a half-hearted punch to his left arm.

“OWWWW!” Gohan screamed unconvincingly, falling to the ground. “Why did you hit me so hard? I can feel the broken bones rubbing against each other inside my arm! Oh, the agony! That's even worse than when Cell shattered my arm with that ki blast! Aarggh…um…”

She just looked at him.

“Not that I've ever fought Cell,” said Gohan. “Like I said, I'm really quite weak and nerdy and…”

“WILL YOU JUST STOP IT ALREADY?!!” Sarie shouted. “It couldn't possibly be any more obvious that you are the Great Saiyaman. If you had “Hello, ask me about being the Great Saiyaman” tattooed onto your head, it would still not be any more plain to anyone with a double-digit IQ that you are the Great Saiyaman. You have a cape and a vest tucked away in your bag and under your clothes. You have the same voice - you don't even disguise it. You scream at people when they mispronounce his name. You show up late every time he is rescuing someone on a school day. You even start an earthquake when the teacher won't take that lame excuse of going to the bathroom anymore! I know, absolutely, positively, without any scrap or modicum of doubt that you are the Great Saiyaman. Get it?”

His face became very solemn, and he took a deep breath. “Sarie,” he said.

“Yes?” she replied.

“I have something to tell you,” he answered, taking her hand gently in his.

“What is it?” she asked.

“You're right,” he said. “I am the Great Saiyaman.”

“Just a second,” Sarie said, as she tried to unroll her eyes… “Almost…” She gave the back of her head a smack, causing her pupils to roll back down. “There.”

“Now then,” Sarie continued. “Really? Wow! I knew it!”

Gohan stared at her, unconscious of her blatant sarcasm. “You have to promise never to reveal my secret,” he said. “If anyone were to find out, they might go after my family.”

Sarie snickered softly, thinking about some thug trying to “go after” Chi-Chi and Goten.

“Promise me,” Gohan said intensely.

Sarie sighed. “Alright. I won't tell anyone and endanger your almost invincible family.”

Gohan smiled, obviously relieved. “Thank you…. What? What did you say about my family?”

Sarie's mind raced. “I said… uh… I said that they were… highly principled… Yeah! I said that your family was highly principled because… well… of course they would be! I mean, raising a wonderful and smart nerd - I mean - hero like you and all.”

Gohan puzzled over her strange behavior. However, like all those in his “highly principled” family, he just shrugged it off and laughed nervously.

“So,” Sarie began, realizing that this romance was going nowhere, “now that I know your secret, how `bout we go on a date?”

Gohan stopped laughing, sweat rolling in enormous globs down his face. “Date? You mean… like engaging in social activities as a couple with the intent of future… uh… couplings?”

Sarie's smile faltered. “Uh… yeah. Something like that.”

Gohan's weak smile popped back into place. “Um… sure! That would be wonderful. In fact, we could go to the science museum! They have an awesome exhibit on earthworms this week!”

Sarie thought carefully. She had the opportunity to date one of her DBZ hotties - maybe even the hottest, not counting the ones with purple hair. But he was a dork. Apparently the Great Will wasn't going to make this easy on her by giving Gohan…well…a personality.

“Stupid Great Will…” Sarie muttered.

“What was that?” Gohan asked.

She sighed heavily. “I said, `Sure - Great! I will…go see worms with you.”

Gohan positively beamed. “This will be wonderful!” He looked off into the distance. But I think I hear a child crying because a kitten is stuck in a tree. I have to suit up!”

“Right then,” Sarie said. “Bye.”

Gohan went through a series of tacky poses and gestures before running to a phone booth to change clothes. Of course, the phone booth was transparent, and a shocked woman covered her daughter's eyes and walked hurriedly away as he was putting on his boots.

Meanwhile, above the clouds, a sinister-looking green figure watched with increasing interest.

“So,” sneered the tiny green man, “Gohan thinks he deserves to be happy? Ha! We'll see about that won't we? Mwhahahahaha! Mwhahahaha! Mwaha! Ha!”

“Why are you laughing in such an evil fashion, Dende?” Mr. Popo asked, walking up behind the Earth's watcher.

“Hmm?” Dende turned around. “I don't know really. I mean, it's not like Gohan has ever done anything to me. I just suddenly felt the need to act completely out of character and inflict various tortures and punishments on him for no reason at all.”

“Are you sure that's wise?” Mr. Popo asked.

“Well…not really,” admitted Dende. “But I can do it if I want. I am god, you know.”

“I just can't understand why you'd want to hurt Gohan,” Mr. Popo said sadly.

“I do,” a deep, gravelly voice said.

Both Dende and Popo turned to see Piccolo with his back to them, his arms folded as he gazed off into the distance.

“Oh!” Popo said. “Piccolo! I didn't expect you here today.”

“Yeah well, I had some spare time,” Piccolo said. “And I sensed that Dende might need some answers as to why he feels compelled to inflict myriad torments on Gohan.”

“You know of this urge?” asked Dende.

“Of course. Why do you think I volunteered to `train' the twerp?” answered Piccolo. “You see, there is a deep, dark, Namekian secret that I have to explain to you - a reason why all Nameks now and forever will innately despise and abuse Gohan. This is something that your very DNA knows, but you may never consciously register. Yet it will still affect your behavior toward him - now and forever. It's an inescapable reality - an unquestionable truth.”

“What is it?” Dende asked imploringly. “Why do I want to hurt Gohan?”

Piccolo turned, his powerful gaze meeting the wide-open eyes of the young god.

“He's an annoying little bastard,” Piccolo said.

Dende looked at him. “That's it?”

“Yep,” Piccolo said. “That's it.”

“Okay!” Dende chirped. “As long as I have a reason, then I need to get back to it.”

“Give `em hell,” Piccolo said, before disappearing in a flash.

“Sorry about that!” Gohan said for the billionth time.

“S'okay,” Sarie said through gritted teeth. This was becoming a nasty routine.

“I didn't realize that there would be a tornado tonight, or I would have suggested we stay indoors,” Gohan said apologetically.

“No, no…This is just…great,” Sarie said. “You couldn't have known that there would have been a tornado, a swarm of killer bees, fire and brimstone falling from the sky, a surprise visit to the museum by the Olsen twins…” She paused, taking a deep breath. “That a volcano would appear in the middle of Satan City, that a Russian satellite would fall into our table at dinner, that the sun, moon, sky and seas would become a third part blood, that the dead would rise from their graves, that rats of unusual size would attack us, that I would fall into quicksand in the city park, that we'd be attacked by people possessed by hyenas, that a funny guy in orange and purple would annoy us until you made him say his name backwards, that fanfiction.net would shut down for an extended period of time and then be so backed up with people desperate to read and post stories that it would be next to worthless for a while, anyway, that we'd be attacked by ninjas, that they would announce a sequel to Starship Troopers, or that flying monkeys would carry me away to a distant land, forcing you to quest for a mystical sword, kill a witch, and rescue me.”

She stopped, resting her hands on her knees and gasping for breath. “You couldn't have known any of that. It could have happened to anyone during a two hour date!”

“Hey, look!” said oblivious Gohan, pointing. “There's a new book store! Let's go check it out!”

Sarie grimaced. “Sure,” she said. “What are the odds that something cataclysmic or catastrophic could happen to us in the bookstore?”

Gohan pushed open the door of the bookstore. A belle tinkled merrily.

“What the hell are you doing?” the bookstore owner shouted at her. “Go find a bathroom! Don't do that in the floor!”

The beautiful young girl gave a merry laugh and ran out the door.

Sarie gave a disgusted look as the owner sighed and went to look for a mop.

“I can't believe it,” the owner said. “Why would such a thing happen just before he gets here for the signing?”

“Oh!” Gohan said cheerily. “There's going to be a book signing? Who is the author?”

“A Mr. I. M. God,” answered the owner. “I just got in ten thousand copies of his new book. It's expected to be a big hit.”

“Really?” Sarie asked, intrigued. “What's it called?”

In answer, the owner pointed to a display case.

Gohan gasped sharply.

The case featured a life-sized replica of the Great Saiyaman - midway through a stupid pose - and was stocked with copies of The Great Saiayman: A Pompous Wanker's Secret Identity Revealed by one I. M. God.

“I…I don't believe it,” Gohan whispered.

“Oh, believe it!” a strange, girlish voice interjected. “I've finally destroyed you!”

Gohan and Sarie turned to see a green midget with antennae and sunglasses.

“D…Dende?!” they both said incredulously.

“Don't take that incredulous tone with me!” the mini-god said. “You must've known that I would eventually find the way to crush you, Gohan,” he said, sneering as he pronounced the name.

“No...” Gohan said. “Not really. In fact, I didn't even know you trying to `crush' me. I had no clue that you had anything against me. It's never even been implied in any way. It would almost seem like a ridiculous contrived fanfiction plot to pit us against each other. We've always been friends. I mean, thinking back, not one interaction between us has ever, in any tiny way or manner, even hinted at a belligerent relationship.”

“That may well be,” Dende conceded. “I will admit that if someone were to write a story, for instance, portraying you and me as adversaries, then the casual observer would have reason to wonder what in the home for infinite losers was going through their heads, but you forget one important fact.”

“And what is that?” asked Gohan, his eyes wide open with surprise.

“You are an annoying little bastard,” Dende said.

“Oh,” said Gohan, stunned. “Really?” he asked, looking at Sarie.

Sarie shrugged and gave a grudging nod of assent. “It's true enough,” she said.

Suddenly, a horde of sailor uniform-clad girls charged in to the bookstore and surrounded Dende, holding their dog-eared copies of the book for him to sign.

And then…Gohan was recognized.

“It's him!” one girl shouted. “It's Gohan! It's the GREAT SAIYAMAN!!!”

They converged on him like a pack of ravening wolves…or rabid weasels attacking. Well, really, they were more wolf-pack like in the way that they converged, but they were still kind of reminiscent of rabid weasels… It's hard to describe. I mean, the way a wolf pack converges is really distinctive. And although the way they did it was similar, they weren't dead on wolf pack. I'd say that they were about 53 percent wolf pack convergence and 43 percent rabid weasel attack. The remaining four percent is comprised of some lesser-known animal battle behaviors including less than one percent each of elephant trampling, bee swarming, shark killing frenzy, vulture picking, Madagascar hissing cockroach charging, dolphin mating, and yak spitting.

Anyway, there was a bunch of girls crowding around him. He screamed out in horror as their hands were all over him…grasping and clawing to touch even his clothing.

They were so eager to get to him in fact that they hardly noticed they'd trampled Sarie Mue to death.

Hours later, after the National Guard and the Hercule elite force had been called in to remove the females from the store, Gohan knelt, gasping for breath even as he sobbed over the bruised, bloodied, beaten, beheaded, broken, battered body of Sarie Mue.

“Why?” he asked, a whisper.

“Why?” he repeated, a little louder.

“Why?!” he spoke aloud.

“Why?!!” he shouted.

“WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!” he screeched from the murky depths of his soul.

“Why did you let this happen, God?” he asked.

“Because,” Dende said matter-of-factly as he put on his sunglasses. “You are an annoying little bastard, and she had the bad taste to date you.” He opened up the door with one hand, causing a bell to chime merrily. “Well, I'll see you around, Gohan!” he said cheerily, and left.

Gohan finally composed himself enough to stand. “What do I do now?” he asked. “Where do I go from here?”

“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it,” a whiny young girl said from the corner of the bookstore.

He halfheartedly threw a book at her, knocking her unconscious.

“I don't know what to do with my life,” he continued his interrupted soliloquy. “I can't go to school anymore. I can't continue to be the Great Saiyaman. I can't live at home with my crazy witch of a mother. My dad got blew up… I'm alone in the world. What do I do now?”

“How about you stop feeling sorry for yourself and act like a man,” a deep, gravelly voice said from behind him.

He turned to see Piccolo glaring at him with his arms folded.

“Piccolo? What are you doing here?” Gohan asked him.

“I heard your whining all the way from the desert wasteland I was training in,” Piccolo said accusingly.

“Well, to be fair the thousand-mile-wide desert wasteland is just 10 feet away from the city,” Gohan said. “Isn't that why we go there every time we fight someone?”

“True enough, but you were still whining,” Piccolo said.

“Well, if you're so smart, then what's the answer? What do I do now?” he asked.

“Well,” Piccolo said, subtly suppressing a sadistic smile, “I could always train you some more… You remember the training don't you?”

Gohan fell on his knees and began to cry.

“AND ONCE AGAIN THE DAY IS SAVED, THANKS TO… THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!”

The Great Will of the Macrocosm appeared over Townsville, glaring in the direction that she guessed the omniscient announcer would be. “What are you doing here? You're supposed to be finishing off the Sarie Mue chapter. You know… summing it up and all.”

“WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY? IT WAS TOO DEPRESSING AND DISTURBING AT THE END TO MAKE A JOKE OUT OF IT. THE DAY WAS NOT SAVED. IN FACT, IT BROUGHT A SUPERHERO TO RUIN. BESIDES, I TOLD YOU THAT I USUALLY STICK TO COMMENTING ON POWERPUFF GIRL EPISODES. AND I HAVE ENOUGH WORK TO HERE. EVER SINCE THE MAYOR LEFT FOR SOME FRENCH-SOUNDING THING…”

The Great Will held up her hands for silence. “Wait, what did you say about the Mayor? Could that `french-sounding thing' be Le Resistance?”

“THAT'S THE ONE,” the announcer rejoined happily.

Under normal circumstances, when the Great Will found out that Le Resistance had recruited yet another character, she would be angry and worried about the growing status of the dangerous movement. Under normal circumstances, she would be wise and perfectly justified.

Now, she just rubbed her hands together sinisterly.

Deep in the underground lab/fortress that Le Resistance had claimed as its headquarters, Wesley Crusher was showing The Powerpuff Girls Mayor around the lab.

“And this is the surveillance/control center that we use for all of Le Resistance's major operations, as well as searching for new recruits,” the underage, annoying genius lectured enthusiastically. “I built this with Robin, so it's kind of a cross between the Enterprise computer and the computer in the Bat Cave.” Wesley grinned, expecting the appreciation that he never got from the crew of the Enterprise, as well as the fans of Star Trek.

He was delighted when the Mayor seemed to take an interest. “Ooohh…” the short elder man exclaimed. “So many shiny buttons!!”

Wesley flinched forward as the tiny elected official hopped onto the console. “No, don't touch…”

He was too late. The explosion could be heard from miles away.

The Great Will chuckled. “Yes, I think that their new addition will make things very interesting indeed.”

She glanced down at her list. “Well, I'm feeling particularly evil again, so why not?”

Chapter 10: Cell

Thanks to all our reviewers:

Chuquita: I've just seen so many people write about Frieza torturing Vegeta. Heck, I've even done it. I wanted to show the exact opposite. Nice to get praise from a rather well-known DBZ comedy writer.

Lil Shady: You got the thermal exhaust port reference, and the bathing in virgins' blood is actually a historical reference. Can't remember what it was now, though. Anyway, I'll get to reading your story. I just have a sucky connection right now. By the time I check my e-mail, I'm usually bumped off… and too disgusted to try again. I'm praying that I can even update! Anyway, I'll get to it soon as I can.

Nice-day: Thanks for sticking with. No, I wouldn't do anything to any baby kangaroos. Now, koalas are another matter…

Dark Wolf: I have given you a handsome plug in “The Soul.” I've dedicated a whole reviewer special to you, ya prat! And have you read and reviewed? No! Anyway… And, no, I haven't seen Puni Puni Poemi yet. I saw a copy on sale when I didn't have money. It was gone when I did. I'm just now finishing off Excel Saga! It's hard to buy anime when you're broke. Anyway, love ya!