Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Satire Strikes Back ❯ POW! ( Chapter 1 )

Satire Strikes Back

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The Z-gang was over at Capsule Corporation, partying, dancing, and getting completely, totally smashed like they usually do when not having the crap beat outta them by evil aliens hell-bent on world domination. Roshi and Oolong were ogling all the female CC employees, seeing as how they were all buxom twenty-one-year-olds with no inhibitions, standards, or morals. They fit right in…

Unfortunately, before anybody could start getting some wild and passionate animalistic monkey lovin', a huge metallic ship came crashing through the atmosphere and landed in the backyard. Isn't that always the way?

As the fighters and their sex toys crowded around the door, shoving each other to get a better view, said door opened, and out sauntered… Someone!

"Pea!" Vegeta yelled upon seeing the voluptuous woman emerge from the ship. He'd had to levitate several feet in the air to do so. Poor chap.

"Jeez, Vegeta, if you have to go to the bathroom so bad, go in the house for cryin' out loud! You know where it is!" Bulma screamed at the top of her lungs, even though he was floating right next to her. Vegeta, Gohan, Goten, Trunks, and Goku (this occurs during those mysterious seven years, but Goku never kicked for some strange reason. Oh, yeah, and Buu's not showing up so just forget about him, akay?) all winced, as did their new visitor.

Said new visitor, aptly named Pea, waved her tail around in agitation.

"Ahh!" Krillin yelled. "She's got a tail!"

"No kidding," she replied. "Most Sayans have them."

"Ahh!" Krillin yelled. "She's a Saiya-jin!"

Then he fainted.

Bye bye Krilly!

Pea continued, ignoring the unconscious bald noseless midget collapsed at her feet. "So. Vegeta. What's up?"

"Nothing much. What's up with you?"

"Nothing much."

The two were silent for a moment, as the crickets chirped and a lone tumbleweed blew past.

"Say, Vegeta, do you know this girl?" Goku asked, scratching the back of his head and chewing on the piece of straw he had stuck in his mouth.

"No, not really. We used to have sex, that's all." He replied, completely nonchalant.

>>>>>>FLASHBACK<<<<<<

**CENSORED**

>>>>>>END FLASHBACK<<<<<<

Vegeta sighed at the memory. Yeah, those were some good times.

Bulma slapped him, snapping him out of his reverie. "You schmuck! I though I was your first!"

Pea giggled. "First? You? Vegeta's the freakin' mack daddy of the freakin' universe!" Turning to her ex-pleasure trove, "How could you lower yourself to a bang someone like her?"

"I fell madly and passionately in love, duh. We even had a kid. He's short, purple, and we tend to worry about his sexual orientation, but he's very strong and I'm just so proud of him!" Vegeta sniffed.

"Oh."

"So there!" Bulma yelled.

"Um," Gohan murmured. "If you're a Saiyan, and you and Vegeta here were at one point knocking boots, why do you look like you're a sixteen year old like me?"

"Oh, I was cryogenically frozen for a while there, that's all."

"Ah." Gohan took this opportunity to look Pea up and down, checking her out.

Pea put Gohan's checking-out time to good use and checked him out as well.

He raised an eyebrow. She raised an eyebrow.

"Say, I'm kind of tired," she announced, faking a yawn. "Would someone, ah, like to show me a place where I can, ah, sleep?"

Master Roshi, Oolong, and Yamcha waved their hands in the air, yelling, "Ooh, ooh, me, me!"

Pea grabbed Gohan by the collar and dragged him indoors. Strange thumping noises immediately ensued.

"Aaw, isn't that nice, honey? Gohan's made a friend!" The local brain-damaged dolt said to his harpy-esque wife.

"Yes, very nice. This means I'll get grandchildren even sooner than I'd hoped!" Chichi replied, clapping her hands and grinning like an idiot.

Unfortunately, as Murphy's law is said to state, all good things must get ruined by some incredibly annoying outside force. The loss of Gohan's virginity was just one of those things. Poor Gohan. If everyone didn't love torturing him so, why, he'd have no use for the therapy he gets five days a week three hours a day!

First, Vegeta had to yell, "I HOPE YOU'RE USING A CONDOM!"

To which Gohan replied, "I FOUND THE BOX HIDDEN IN THE BACK OF YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER!"

"Oh. That's good."

Then, a huge energy force just had to make itself known. Another huge spaceship fell out of the sky and, seeing as how the backyard was already taken, parked in the rose garden. Bulma's mother immediately fainted. Then the door opened, and out walked…

Frieza!

Or, Frieza, if he wore utterly scandalous clothing and was highly endowed with, er, feminine… parts. Yeah. Parts. Y'know. Parts.

"Greetings, Earthlings! I am Friezaburna! Daughter of Frieza! I have come to seek revenge on all those who even looked at my father cross-eyed! You shall all DIE BLOODY HORRIBLE PAINFU--Hi there Vegeta, fancy meeting you here."

Friezaburna winked at the Say-in Prince, and Bulma got the distinct impression that she was meeting yet another one of Vegeta's previous "conquests." Ouch.

"Hi F.B.," he replied, trying to keep his face impassive so Bulma wouldn't cut off his sex supply for too long after this. Darn onna was sooooooo frickin' insecure!

"Well," Friezaburna huffed. "Since you're here and obviously attached to this place and these people, I guess I might as well forget my lifelong mission. Ah well. It was getting boring anyways. So… Any good pick-up bars around here?"

The rest of the Z-team, other than Krillin who was still passed-out on the ground and not liable to wake up again for several days, just stared blankly at her.

"Daddy, what's a 'pick-up bar'?" Goten asked, tugging on the leg of his father's pants.

"I have no idea, son. No idea."

Friezaburna rolled her eyes. "Never mind, I'll just scout out the sexiest ki in the area. Later!"

With that, she flew off, and everything at CC and beyond went back to normal.

Meanwhile…

Out in the desert, a certain exceedingly tall Namek felt a new ki in the area that seemed surprisingly… appealing.

Piccolo looked down at... himself. "Hey, WTF?" he exclaimed incredulously. "How did THAT get there? And what is this new feeling flowing through my veins?"

Our green-skinned sweet thang grabs one of Rae's many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many reference books and flipped through it. "What? Testosterone, eh? Next thing you know I'll have the sex drive of Pablo Picasso, havin' kids into his seventies..."

A chipper, female version of Frieza landed in front of him and winked seductively.

Piccolo looked down at himself again. "Now what does he think he's doing? Damn thing's got a fuckin' mind of it's own," he muttered.

"Hi. My name's Friezaburna. What's your name?"

"I'm Piccolo. I'm lean, mean, and oh-so-green!" He replied, striking a (hopefully) sexy pose.

"Ah. Hello Piccolo. Need help easing a little… tension?"

Once again, he looked down, this time blushing profusely, the green and red making him look like some sort of twisted Christmas decoration. For anyone wondering, the reason Kami and Piccolo separated was because, if he was going to be all-seeing, watching every single person on the planet at all times, he didn't need to be getting distracted every time some chick stepped in the shower. Therefore, Piccolo was the embodiment of evil, and earthly pleasures.

Lucky him.

*NEXT SCENE COMPLETELY TOTALLY UTTERLY CENSORED*

The End.

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Rae says: Do I really need to create some prefabricated reviews for you people? Can't you think of anything original? I think that's just going to be a "C'est la vi" thing. Bob the blue cow, too. He's bored with all of you people…