Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Son Gokuh's Family Affair ❯ Son Gokuh's Family Affair ( Chapter 1 )

Son Gokuh's Family Affair

(or, The Saiyajin Saga!)

(brought to you by Sailor Taichichi Vegeta)

(And I don't own DBZ.)

*Jerry Springer's studio.*

Jerry: Welcome to my studio, everyone. Today we have a bit of a "Family Affair." I've been talking to a guy here who's been having problems with his family. Give it up for Son Gokuh!

Gokuh comes out and sits down.

Jerry: Gokuh, why don't you tell us a bit about yourself?

Gokuh: Um…My name is Son Gokuh. I'm a man. I have black hair and eyes. I'm 5'7"-

Jerry: Gokuh, tell us about what happened to you recently.

Gokuh: Well, I was at a reunion at my sensei Kamesen'nin's when a guy dropped out of the sky and said that he was my big brother and that we were both aliens and our home planet got hit by a meteor and I was sent here to clear everybody off and I had better come with him if I knew what was good for me.

Jerry: What was your reaction?

Gokuh: I said it was a load of (beep) and I wasn't coming with him.

Jerry: What did he say then?

Gokuh: He took my kid and ran off!

Crowd: Awwww…

Jerry: How old is your kid, Gokuh?

Gokuh: About 4.

Crowd: Awww… what a shame…

Jerry: Would you like to talk to your brother, Gokuh?

Gokuh: OK.

Raditzu comes out, dragging Gohan by his foot.

Crowd: Booooo!

Gohan: Waaa! I wanna go home!

Raditzu: Shut up kid!

Raditzu sits down beside Gokuh and stuffs Gohan under his chair.

Crowd: Booo! Child abuse! Child abuse! Child abuse!

Raditzu: You all shut up too!

Jerry: Raditzu, what exactly did you tell Gokuh that made him not believe you?

Raditzu: I told him he's a Saiyajin from Planet Vegeta-sei and his name is Kakarotto.

Gokuh: My name is Gokuh! And I'm from good old Chikyuu!

Raditzu: If you have a tail then you're a Saiyajin!

Gokuh: Well I haven't got a (beep)ing tail! I had Kami remove it! Nyah!

Raditzu: You baka! You lost part of your Saiyajin heritage!

Gokuh: What the (beep) is so great about being a Saiyajin?

Raditzu: We are the strongest fighters in the universe! When exposed to a full moon, we are unstoppable! We can clear off planets and sell `em like so many pounds of cheese!

Crowd: Booooo!

A man stands up.

Random Otooko: Did it ever occur to you that we might not want our planet cleared off?

Raditzu: Aw, shut your face!

Raditzu blows up the man.

Gokuh: That was mean!

Raditzu: I'm a Saiyajin. I'm supposed to be mean.

Jerry: Well, Raditzu, I'm afraid that there's someone else here who wants to use Chikyuu for his own evil purposes. Come on out, Piccolo!

Piccolo comes out and sits down. The crowd goes wild--literally.

Crowd: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Piccolo: Really. It's not like I don't wash or something.

The crowd stampedes to the exits, but someone makes a frightening discovery.

Random Otooko 2: Hey! The doors are all locked!

Gokuh: I didn't do it.

Jerry: I wonder how it happened.

Piccolo pulls out of his cape a few shiny objects. He waves them around, and they jingle as he does.

Piccolo: Huh huh huh. Suckahs.

Gokuh: Piccolo, how could you?

Piccolo: Hide under the desk, knock out the security guard, grab the keys, and lock all the doors when nobody's looking. Piece of cake, really.

Raditzu: What the (beep) does he want?

Piccolo: I've been having dibs on this (beep)ing planet! If anyone's going to take over Chikyuu, it's me!

Raditzu: Well, Kakarotto here was supposed to clear off (beep) Chikyuu 20 years ago! He landed here before your sorry green (beep) even existed! Didn't he?

Piccolo: Well, yeah. My dad didn't spit me out `til Gokuh defeated him.

Raditzu: Ooooh! Told ya! Kakarotto, get `im!

Gokuh: Why?

Raditzu: Tell you what. Kakarotto, you can have your kid back.

Gokuh: Really? Gee, thanks!

Raditzu: But first, you have to kill 100 people. And you can start with the green guy over there and everyone in this studio!

Gokuh: Nani? I can't do that!

Jerry: I'm too important to die! Get that witch Judge Judy instead!

Gokuh: But it isn't right!

Raditzu: Who cares?

Gokuh: I do!

Piccolo: And I don't. You are becoming a pain.

Raditzu: Yeah! Kakarotto, you're just a chicken.

Gokuh: *whining* No I am not!

Raditzu: Cluck cluck cluck!

Gokuh: Cut it out!

Piccolo: Maybe he would if you didn't whine so much!

Raditzu: Shut up! This is my spree of random cruelty here! *ahem* You wuss!

Gokuh: *getting mad* I'll bet I'm stronger than you are!

Raditzu: Aw, don't pull my leg!

Gokuh: I won the Tenka'ichi Budookai and I have the (beep)ing trophy to prove it!

Raditzu: Bull(beep)!

Gokuh: *pulls out trophy* See? `Strongest (beep)ing Fighter Under the Heavens!'

Piccolo: Well, I could take both of you!

Raditzu+Gokuh: SHUT UP!

Piccolo: YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

Piccolo, Raditzu and Gokuh start to fight. Much of the studio is wrecked, and quite a few audience members are -um, in the way, if you know what I mean.

Remaining Audience: Jerry, Jerry!

Piccolo: Look Gokuh, food!

Gokuh: Where, where?

Piccolo kills Gokuh.

Raditzu: Nice shot!

Piccolo: Thanks. Hey look, food!

Raditzu: That isn't going to work on me

Piccolo: Too true. *blasts Raditzu*

Gohan: Daddy!

Piccolo: Shut up! You can come train with me!

Piccolo grabs Gohan and flies away.

Jerry: Well, I guess that goes to show that one's family can be a dangerous thing. Hm, looks like one of our contestants is still alive. Any last words, Gokuh?

Gokuh: …i don't see any food…

*Commercial Break-3 years long!*

Jerry: And we're back with what seems to be a continuation of our earlier "Family Affair." Two disgruntled men have come here today, and it looks like they may have something to do with our late guest Son Gokuh! Gentlemen, come on out!

Vegeta and Nappa come out and sit down. The ladies in the studio start screaming and waving.

Ladies: Hi there! Here's my phone number! Hello, handsome!

Vegeta: Pathetic humans. You! *points at Jerry* Where's Kakarotto?

Jerry: I was getting to that.

Vegeta: Hurry it up, fool. I'm getting impatient.

Jerry: Vegeta, why are you so mad? In fact, why are you even here?

Vegeta: Well, a couple of weeks back, Nappa and I were bored as (beep). We looked in a magazine and found out about this fun place on Chikyuu called the Gold Club.

Jerry: But they shut it down.

Vegeta: Yeah, but we didn't know that until we landed here! So now, for lack of anything better to do, we've decided to destroy this sorry planet!

The crowd goes wild.

Random Otooko 3: But we won't have any place to live then!

Random Otooko 4: We're all gonna die!

Random Onna: When will we find time to date?

Vegeta: What makes you think I want to date any of you pitiful beings?

Random Onna: *cries*

Jerry: Vegeta, there are some people here who have decided to stop you from committing this atrocity. Come on out, guys!

Kuririn's Voice: Hold up! People are trying to make out their wills here!

Yamucha, Tenshinhan, Chaozu, Kuririn, Piccolo and Gohan all come out. They look at Vegeta and Nappa nervously.

Nappa: I was expecting the swat team.

Jerry: So um, are ya'll gonna fight or not?

Yamucha: Oh yeah, that's right! Ready, guys?

Tenshinhan: Let's get it over with!

Chaozu: We can do it!

Kuririn: Yeah, let's go!

Piccolo: Humph.

Gohan: …

Yamucha: Gohan?

Gohan: …now I lay me down to sleep…

Piccolo: GOHAN!

Gohan: I'm scared!

Piccolo: (beep) it Gohan, it's not like we're gonna die here!

Gohan: But those guys are gonna blow us up!

Yamucha: Aw, that happened on "Men in Black" too, and look what happened! A happy ending!

Kuririn: *muttering* not for the aliens…

Nappa: Hey! Who are you calling an alien, buddy!

Kuririn: Not you! Not you! Eeeep!

Nappa starts chasing Kuririn around in the background.

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry!

Gohan: Yeah, but the farmer guy got possessed by that roach thingy…

Nappa punches Kuririn across the room.

Yamucha: They freed him.

Gohan: The exterminator didn't get off as lucky…

Yamucha: Life's not fair. You may as well get used to it.

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry!

Nappa slams Kuririn into the ground.

Gohan: And the little guy inside that `old man's' head. Look what happened to him.

Yamucha: The needs of the few for the good of the many…

Nappa fires a ki blast at Kuririn. He dodges, and the blast hits Yamucha instead.

Yamucha: (beep) STUPID MONSTER MOVIES! I'LL NEVER WATCH `EM AGAIN!

*dies*

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry!

Kuririn: Yamucha!

Tenshinhan: Don't act so shocked. It was your fault!

Kuririn: Was not!

Chaozu: If you hadn't moved…

Kuririn: Shut up you little clown (beep)! Nobody asked you anyway!

Chaozu: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tenshinhan: Nobody talks to my buddy that way and gets away with it! KIKOOHOO!

Tenshinhan and Kuririn start to fight.

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry!

Nappa: This is so cool! We can just sit back and watch `em beat each other up! We don't even have to do any work! *eats popcorn happily* Mmmm. Chikyuu food…

Gohan: This isn't helping one bit. I'm still scared…

Piccolo: (beep) it Gohan, stop acting like a three year old!

Gohan: I'm just a little boy! There's only so much I can do!

Piccolo and Gohan duck a ki blast from Tenshinhan.

Piccolo: Watch it!

Tenshinhan: Sorry!

Jerry: Where is my security?

Vegeta is sitting on a pile of broken limbs, watching the fight.

Jerry: Ok, never mind…

Tenshinhan throws a chair at Kuririn.

Kuririn: Yipe!

Kuririn ducks and the chair hits Nappa, making him drop the popcorn.

Nappa: Hey! I was gonna eat that! *looks at Tenshinhan*

Tenshinhan: KURIRIN!

The remaining Z senshi shield their eyes from the blast.

Chaozu: Tenshinhan! *cries*

Gohan: It's okay, Chaozu. We'll wish him back after the fight.

Chaozu: Who cares about that? I'll still have to pay his half of the rent!

Everyone: *sweatdrop*

Piccolo: Kuririn, you think you've done enough damage?

Kuririn: Please don't eat me Mr. Daimaou…

Piccolo: Shut up! I don't eat at all!

Kuririn: *phew*

Piccolo: But that doesn't mean I won't kick your (beep) anyway!

Chaozu: AAAAAAAAH!

Piccolo, Gohan and Kuririn turn around to see Vegeta holding Chaozu upside down.

Vegeta: All right clown boy, give us the dough and nobody gets hurt!

Chaozu gives Vegeta a donut.

Vegeta: Not that dough you dumb (beep)! The money! We want your rent money!

Nappa: Well, I'm still kind of hungry…

Vegeta: Shut up! (to Chaozu) Now give us the money or we'll make your life miserable!

Chaozu: You'll never take me alive you son of a (beep)! *spits at Vegeta and Nappa*

Crowd: Ooooooooooh!

Vegeta: Fine! Be that way! *blows up Chaozu*

Kuririn: Good thing Tenshinhan wasn't around to see that.

Tenshinhan's Ghost: (beep) you Kuririn! You're gonna pay!

Kuririn: Eeeeep! *hides behind chair, takes out cross* Stay back!

Tenshinhan's Ghost: That never works.

Gohan: We're next! I wanna go home!

Piccolo: We can't go home! We have to protect Chikyuu!

Kuririn: Personally, I only want to protect Chikyuu if I can protect my own butt as well…

Piccolo: What was that?

Kuririn: I'm scared!

Gohan: Join the club!

Piccolo: Why is this happening to me? I tried to be a good villain…

Kuririn: A good villain? That makes no sense whatsoever!

Piccolo: Shut it, you!

Nappa: All right. Which one of you losers should I blow up next?

Gohan: *whining* I am not a loser!

Piccolo: Gohan, stop whining!

Nappa: Well, which one of you bakas should I blow up?

Gohan: *whining* I am not a baka!

Nappa: You punks?

Gohan: *whining* I am not a punk!

Nappa: Idiots?

Gohan: *whining* I am not an idiot!

Piccolo: …why kami…why…

Nappa: Schmucks? Wackos? Dorks? Creeps? Jerks? Goofs? Screwballs?

Gohan: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Piccolo: SHUT UP, (beep) IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! AAAAAAAAAAH!

Piccolo goes ballistic and starts banging his head against the first thing he can grab… which happens to be Nappa's leg.

Piccolo:…

Nappa: *unspeakably disgusted* GET OFF OF ME YOU SICK (beep)!

Nappa destroys Piccolo.

Nappa: Humph…hentai…

Gohan: Mr. Piccolo! (I'm not a dubbie, but I think that line is still sort of funny.)

Kuririn: We're the only ones left! Gohan, you'll have to sacrifice yourself so I can get away!

Gohan: (beep) no! I'm too young to die! You sacrifice yourself!

Kuririn: I've already died! It's your turn!

Gohan: None of this would've happened if my stupid (beep) dad had been on time!

Gokuh comes in.

Gohan: Otoosan! Where the (beep) were you!

Gokuh: Such language! What would your mother say? -sorry I'm late. Taco Bell was having this great sale! Look at all of the food I got!

Gokuh holds up a large, greasy paper bag with flies buzzing around it.

Gokuh: Anybody want some?

Kuririn: Um, no thanks…we'll pass

Nappa: Hey, that looks good! I want one!

Gokuh: Who are those guys?

Gohan: Those are Raditzu's buddies. They killed everyone except Kuririn and me.

Gokuh: That wasn't very nice of them!

Vegeta: Kakarotto! About time you showed up!

Gokuh: I thought my name was Gokuh…

Vegeta: Kakarotto, you seem to be a strong person. Would you like to join me? When we take over the universe I'll let you have this half.

Gokuh: I already have everything I want right here on Chikyuu-a family and friends!

Vegeta: You lame(beep) third class bakayaro!

(Hey, that rhymes!)

Vegeta: I'll just destroy you, then!

Nappa: I'm still hungry.

Nappa picks up Gokuh's bag of tacos.

Nappa: These smell good. Ah!

Vegeta: Don't eat those, baka!

Nappa dumps all of the tacos into his mouth and swallows.

Nappa: That hits the spot…………AHHHHHHHHHH! *explodes*

Everyone: Ewwww!

Kuririn: Now I'm real glad I didn't have any of them poisonous rat-crap casseroles!

Gohan: They were tacos.

Kuririn: Same difference.

Vegeta: Where were we?

Gokuh: You were going to kill us and probably blow up the planet afterward.

Vegeta: Oh yeah, that's right.

Kuririn: Gokuh!

Gokuh: Don't worry! I can take him!

*three hours later*

Gokuh: *bruised, bloody and beaten* Ohhhhh… anyone get the number of that air car?

Gohan: *also bruised, bloody and beaten* Nope…my eyes don't wanna cooperate…

Kuririn: *in similar condition* (beep) it Gokuh, I told you not to tell him!

Vegeta: *see above descriptions* (beep) you all for damaging me like this! You're all going to die now! Big…Bang…

Yajirobe's air car lands on top of Vegeta.

Yajirobe: (beep)! Out of gas!

Vegeta: uggggh… *passes out*

Gokuh: Yajirobe! How goes it?

Yajirobe: Oh, hey there Gokuh. Man, you guys look like you went on Jerry Springer or something!

Kuririn: In case you didn't notice…

Yajirobe looks around and realizes where he is.

Yajirobe: Oh…Say, you guys wouldn't happen to have any fuel, would you?

Jerry: Of course. Mr. Takeda, could you bring us a tank of fuel?

(The authoress apologizes to anyone named Takeda. Gomen nasai.)

One Remaining Security Guard: Sure thing, boss. *lights up* Ah, the wonders of Camel…

Takeda comes out with a fuel tank.

Yajirobe: Great! Could you pour it in there?

Takeda: Ok.

Gohan: Look out!

While enjoying his ciggie, Takeda has leaned too close to the fuel! The tank ignites; Yajirobe's entire air car explodes, sending Vegeta and Kuririn into orbit, a la Team Rocket.

Yajirobe: My lunch was in there! (beep) it!

Vegeta: (beep) you all! *ping*

Gokuh: Yajirobe, you did it!

Yajirobe: Did what? Set myself up for starvation?

Gokuh: No, you got rid of the Saiyajin! We're all saved!

Gohan: Yeah thanks, Yajirobe.

Yajirobe: Yeah, well I'm still stranded here and I have nothing to eat.

Jerry: Mr. Yajirobe, for getting rid of the aliens and saving the small remainder of my audience, the show would like to thank you with a brand new air car!

A darkened, bruised Mr. Takeda pushes out a shiny new air car. He hands Yajirobe the key and a gift certificate.

Jerry: And an all-expense-paid lunch at the fanciest restaurant in town!

Yajirobe: Oh my gosh! All my dreams have come true!

Gokuh: I never got anything to eat…Yajirobe, can I come to lunch with you?

Yajirobe: (beep) no! You'll eat everything up and waste my free lunch certificate!

Gohan: Um…aren't we forgetting something?

Gokuh: Yes! The many years of friendship all given up for the sake of one free lunch!

Gohan: That's not what I was talking about!

Yajirobe: What were you talking about?

Gohan: I…oh crud, I forgot. Come on dad, let's go to Sashimi King or something.

Gokuh: Yay! Bye Yajirobe!

Yajirobe: Don't worry about whatever it was, it probably wasn't that important.

Gohan: You're right. Goodbye.

Jerry: Well, I guess that's it, folks. Bye!

As the show goes off and Gokuh, Gohan and Yajirobe go their separate ways, we can see the stars start to come out in the night sky…How pretty…and there's something else out there too…

Kuririn: I can't believe I'm stuck out here like this! Someone get me out of here!

Tenshinhan's Ghost: Hehehehe…Now I'll make you pay!

Kuririn: HELP MEEEEEEEE!

*The End*