Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Stargazing ❯ Letting Go ( Chapter 8 )

Stargazing

Chapter 8 - Letting Go

"Do you know what you are asking me to do?"

Marron tore her eyes away from the ground. After asking so embarrassing a favor from so tentative and new a friendship, it was very difficult to meet the other young woman's eyes. She expected to see Pan's expression dismissive, questioning - or maybe even openly disdainful - but never had she expected that she would look into her younger counterpart's face, blue eyes clashing on brown, and see a deep, moving empathy - a sense of understanding and kindness that was complete, deeply felt, and unmarred except by the simmering curiosity that shone in the quarter-Saiyan's eyes.

Intrigued, she couldn't bring herself to answer.

"You are asking me," the raven-haired woman began, her voice gentle yet firm, "to teach you the one thing in the world that you loathe the most."

Marron nodded.

Pan sat up and shifted her body slightly on the armchair in which she sat. The small change in her position gave her an appearance so different from her previous one that Marron found herself spellbound. There was something about the way Pan was looking at her - it was shocking, attentive and serious, and so powerful - that gave the perceptive blonde the absurd idea that the raven-haired fighter before her was… testing her...

Marron didn't have long to absorb this information, because Pan's next question had her completely floored.

"Why?"

It was so simple a question, really - one comprised of only a single word, one that could be answered in any myriad of ways. One that, unfortunately, required (well, in order for her to be truthful, at least) that she bare her soul to a person who was, in actuality, a complete stranger to her. And she had an inkling feeling that Pan would know if she tried to lie about her answer. There was no getting around it; she would have to spill the beans.

Sighing, Marron's only comforting thought was that some sacrifices needed to be made if she wanted to get her love life back on track. Gazing severely at Pan and flinching slightly when she saw her serious stare reflected back at her tenfold, she told her reluctant friend the truth.

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"I've never really seen anything wrong with my relationship with Trunks before yesterday," Marron began. "We'd always been comfortable with each other, and we grew up with one another knowing that our parents were the greatest of friends. It seemed only natural that we would become the same. Like fate, you know? Plus, even before my feelings for him grew, I found that he was a person who I could easily talk to, confide in, and trust. I guess falling for him was just the next step beyond that."

I nodded, knowing where this was going, and motioned for her to continue.

"I think eventually I deluded myself into thinking that both of us were perfectly content with each other, since that's exactly what I was - happy to be with him, without another care in the world. I had no complaints, so I never expected there to be any dissent on his side either... We were perfect in my eyes because we were supposed to be."

"But I realized yesterday that he wasn't ever truly happy with me. I overlooked his wishes and needs in order to tend to my own, and the result was that we aren't really as close to each other as I thought we were."

My eyes bore into hers as I waited patiently for what I wanted to hear.

And then, as she finally met my eyes with the determination that I sought, it came.

"He's Saiyan. I lost sight of that and assumed him to be just like me - a human being." She paused and exhaled suddenly in frustration. "He's not," she said severely and with minimal bitterness. "I couldn't have been more wrong in my assumption. There are some things - a lot of things, actually - that I never could and probably never wanted to understand about him."

"Like...?" I prompted, even though I already knew what she would say.

"Like... how he's almost... animalistic sometimes in his urges, and he has instincts and a heightened sixth sense about things that I couldn't possibly hope to imitate. Sometimes when he's feeling lazy or content he'll talk to me about flying together in the rain, or during a storm - he has all kinds of wild ideas about what courtship should be like, or would be like if I let it, and it makes me feel so left out... like he's alien - out of my reach - in his behavior at times... which ironically should make perfect sense, considering his lineage, but somehow it doesn't."

She frowned, made as if to stop speaking, and paused. For a brief moment the two of us sat in silence, her mulling over what to say next, and me mentally filing away what valuable information she had divulged.

When she spoke again, it was in a voice so soft and a tone so surprised that it seemed to me that she was only just discovering something important for herself...

"I can't believe that it took me this long to see it," she murmured.

Her eyes made contact with mine, and she read the question in my face before I even voiced it. "To see the distance between us, I mean. How I could never love all of him - just the part that I wanted to love, wanted to see. I ignored half of his heritage because it seemed like an unsavory idea that the love of my life wasn't all human - as if that made him less of a person, or inferior to others. I wished that it was different, so it changed; my wish came true - in my world, at least. I saw him for what he wasn't. But I know now that that's the last thing I'd want - for him to change for me. He is the man I love, and I want him to be happy. Which is why I am going to change who I am, to learn to fight. It's time that I, not he, made a sacrifice for the benefit of our relationship. Everything I do, every drop of sweat that I perspire, every new style that I learn, every blow that I take or give..."

She looked at me seriously.

"It's all for him."

She stopped speaking, swallowed dryly, and was silent, mostly out of the shock that she had actually spilled to me her innermost feelings and worries.

I smiled sadly.

I had been right. My former rival in love, the woman I had hated with the most passion during my childhood and adolescence, was coming to me for help because she wanted what I had - understanding of a long dead race, its traditions, its culture, and ultimately of its youngest prince.

Ironic, isn't it? That she would want what I had - this understanding, this knowledge, this culture - when I wanted what she had - the prince?

That's right, I wanted him. I loved him with every fiber of my being - and I still do. It hurt me indescribably to think that I was going to help him stay with another woman, that I was willingly doing more to keep him from me. I'd sacrificed the past three years of my life to try and run away from my love for this man, to no avail. No amount of time, no distance, and no other men could quench the aching in my heart - the longing for the young Prince of Saiyans to be mine.

I'd had enough of these stupid mind games I kept playing in my head. I couldn't lie to myself any longer. That man, that Saiyan, that prince - my entire life revolved around him; it always had and it always will. My heart would forever be his, and only his. I wouldn't ever love anyone but him. Not Charles, not any man on earth, not any man I met in the rest of the galaxy...

Only Trunks. Trunks, an engaged man - a taken man.

It was about time I came to terms with what I loathed most. I had to face it, now or never. The truth was, he was Marron's. He had always been hers, and after they tied the knot, he always would be.

I could never have him.

It was a harsh world - but life was like that. This fact, this idea, this statement was what had driven me from my home three long years ago.

But it was the truth, and I consoled myself with the thought that I could do something for him, even if my love was unrequited.

I could make him happy, by making his marriage perfect.

I understood Marron's feelings, and I admired her determination. Hell, if it had been me - if making myself blond and bubbly and pampered would have made him love me, if smothering my intelligence and fighting spirit under a mask of false innocence and blind naiveté would have made him want me -

I would have done it in a heartbeat.

I would have done the unimaginable for him. I would have left the world behind, destroyed any number of planets, forsaken my Saiyan pride - all for him. I would have turned the world upside-down for him. I would have hurt, died, even killed for him.

Given anything.

Everything.

Even my happiness, all for him.

I closed my eyes, and in a firm voice agreed to help Marron.

As her face lit up with gratitude and as I opened my eyes a changed woman - my heart completely in shambles but my resolve still in tact - I couldn't help but think...

This was the first time in my life that I was giving up.

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(Flashback)

"Grandpa?"

Goku turned his face to meet the innocent, yet strangely intuitive brown eyes of his only grandchild. Smiling contentedly, he reached out to her as she neared the shore of the lake where he sat. As she reached him, he ruffled her hair, put his hands on her shoulders, and gave her a quick once-over, grinning idiotically along with her as he noticed her state of dress. She looked distinctively different in the training gi that Videl had secretly made her - Gohan had refused to train Pan, so he had gladly taken up the part of sensei (without his son's knowledge, of course) - but she also seemed more free, and more alive, than ever before. Before he had promised to teach her to fight, there had always been something in her life constricting her spirit - not just her body - whether it was a dress, her father, or Hercule. Now, free of such inhibitions, Pan radiated happiness, yet there was also an unspoken torment in her eyes that immediately drew Goku in. He recognized it immediately as an issue regarding him - her grandfather - and braced himself for the inevitable question, stalling for time by lifting her easily into his lap.

The question never came. Instead, she offered a sullen report on the state of affairs back home.

"I couldn't tell Daddy."

Goku smiled a little sadly, but comforted the girl in his arms anyway. "That's okay, Panny. He'll find out eventually. Besides, I think he'd understand all the same." He looked down at the little girl on whose head he propped his chin, expecting the usual happy, chirruped responses she offered.

The child in his lap only nodded solemnly. It seemed that she was finally ready to tell him what was on her mind.

"I heard... I heard what happened during the Cell Games. Goten told me," she began.

A pause.

"Goten said that Daddy tried to take on Cell but he wasn't strong enough. He said that after Cell picked on everyone else, he got mad and got stronger, so he started winning. But Cell cheated and wanted to blow up the earth so you instant transma-thingy-ed him to the Kai planet and he blew up there instead."

Pan paused to catch her breath, and Goku waited patiently for her to continue, knowing what was coming next.

"So you died with King Kai but Cell survived and got back to Earth to fight Dad. Daddy won, and then everyone else collected the Dragonballs and asked Shenlong to bring you back from Other World. But then Shenlong said that he couldn't bring you back to life because you didn't want to be back..."

Pan clenched her tiny hands into fists in a fit of anger that Goku wasn't stupid enough to pass off as a juvenile tantrum.

"Why didn't you come back?" she blurted out furiously. "Didn't you want to be with Grandma? Didn't you miss Daddy? I thought you loved them! They're your family! Did you even like them?"

Goku exhaled and closed his eyes. He wasn't quite sure he wanted her to learn that particular lesson so early in life. Opening his eyes, he met her enraged glare without even flinching.

"Why did you leave them? Why didn't you come back for seven whole years?"

Silence.

"You know I love your grandmother and father very much," he stated truthfully, uncharacteristically serious. "You have no idea how much I wanted to be there to tell Chi-chi that it was over, and we were all okay. I wish I had been there when Goten was born, or when Gohan started blaming himself for my death. You don't know how much I missed my son, my friends, my family, and my life."

He turned Pan around so he was sure she was looking into his eyes. "I chose death because it kept those that I loved safe." To the little girl in his arms, there was something in his eyes that was willing her to understand, something that simultaneously knew that she wouldn't. Not today.

Pan opened her mouth to rebuke his statement, but Goku held up a hand and stopped her. "Sometimes... the best thing you can do for someone you love is to simply let go."

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`Let go,' I mused, almost laughing at the bitter irony of it all. `Well, Grandpa, I finally understand what you mean. I'll try to do as you say - I'm letting him go.'

And I closed my eyes, as if finalizing my decision.

`For real this time.'

So the little girl finally understood, years after her benevolent grandfather was gone.

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"Listen to me."

Marron's eyes snapped up and locked with Pan's in a long, intense gaze. Looking into the Saiyan woman's eyes, she had the feeling that whatever test her friend had issued, she had passed. Her hope and confidence renewed, Marron cracked a small smile.

Her hopes were shot out the window.

"I can't help you in the way that you want me to. I can't teach you how to fight."

"What?" Marron exclaimed, more shocked than hurt. She had been so sure that she had succeeded! Anger quickly replaced her surprise. She had just bared her soul, spilled her innermost fears to this "friend" of hers, and all she got in return for this rare show of trust was complete and utter rejection? This type of treatment, she thought angrily, definitely justified a reason.

"Why not?" came the indignant reply.

The response was infuriatingly calm and understanding, as if her display of anger was not completely unexpected.

"Because in Saiyan families, females were taught to fight by their mothers. What training still needed to be done after a female left her parents' home was done by her mate. Therefore, it would be inappropriate for me to train you. It's against tradition."

Marron waved her hand dismissively. "That's only a trivial detail. Look at the bigger picture -"

"Lesson number one," said Pan in the same calm tone, apparently not having any inhibitions about interrupting Marron's tirade. She quirked a knowing smile.

"To Saiyans, tradition is everything."

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"Mom?"

Android 18 looked up from her magazine into a face that was nearly identical to her own. She smiled - a rarity except when she was around her family - yet still managed to keep her appearance stoic, and looked at her daughter expectantly.

Marron looked into the cyborg's eyes solemnly, and said, with utmost seriousness, what she had rehearsed in her mind over and over for the past hour.

"I want to fight."

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Do you know what they always say about how opposites attract? How life is full of surprises, so you should always expect the unexpected? And how sometimes, although you may not know it, your greatest enemy can turn out to be your greatest friend?

Once, a long time ago, when I was young, naïve, and ignorant, I didn't think anything of these clichés. I tossed them aside, let them in one ear only to flow right back out of the other, and dismissed them all as, well, philosophical bullshit.

Like I said, I was ignorant.

Because the truth is that opposites really do attract. There are some things in this world that simply belong together, despite being completely different. Take the most basic facts of nature, for example. Only fire can melt ice. Only light can conquer dark. And only the poor can show the rich humanity.

I could come up with a thousand other cases where this is true. All I have to do is look at the people around me.

Vegita and Bulma. Goku and Chichi. Kuririn and Android 18. Gohan and Videl.

Black and white. Cold and warmth. Night and day...

Saiyan and human.

All is as it should be.

Take my parents, for example. If you had known them both as children, had compared their lifestyles, and had seen them in the same class in high school, you would never have believed that they would end up together. There are few people who were so different from one another. It was a wonder, in fact, that they ever got along. Nevertheless, my father, with his light-hearted purity and stubborn sense of righteousness, innocent yet strong, was the perfect match for my mother, whose fiery independence, headstrong impulsiveness, and fierce passion complemented his submissive dominance perfectly. They were, unlikely as it was, the perfect match and loving mates, like peas in a pod.

They agreed and supported each other in every aspect of their lives, except one:

Parenting.

Me.

So while my father locked me away behind the figurative door of his overbearing protectiveness, my mother looked at my sheltered upbringing with pity and understanding in her eyes. She had been, as a child and a teenager, not so different from me. Grandpa Satan hadn't wanted her to fight either, and had tried to suppress her inborn talent by buying her toys, dolls and dresses, only to find that the more effort he put into sheltering her from her calling, the harder she fought back at him. She threw herself into her training, surpassing him easily, and learned in the process that no matter how good the intentions of others were, it was better in the long run to find things out by yourself.

It was my mother who taught me not to care about what others thought. Not about the way I dressed, talked, acted, or presented myself in public. It was she who taught me to keep my head held high, to take pride in my independence from others, to never rely too much on anyone else but myself. And it was only because of her silent urging, and by her encouragement, that I finally managed to break out of the thick shell my father had molded for me.

With this upbringing, under the careful guidance of so strong a woman, why couldn't I disapprove of what Marron was proposing? Why did I encourage her in her attempt to change who she was for a man?

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The next week, as promised, I began sparring with Marron every evening for a few hours. Suffice to say, she did pretty well for a first timer - which was to be expected, looking at who her parents are - but I would be lying if I said I didn't thoroughly enjoy kicking some serious ass. Even so, I was careful not to use any of my signature attacks in front of her. Call me selfish, but my pride simply would not allow anyone, especially her, to copy my fighting style.

Life fell into a routine of sorts as the weeks went by. At dawn I would go and spar with Vegita until lunch, work in the Capsule Corporation labs for a few hours (after three years of traveling the galaxy, technology had became my forte), and then I would return to my capsule house to train until night fell, when Marron would arrive. After awhile, I realized that it had become easier not to think about Trunks and my decision to cease loving him (if that were even possible) because I rarely saw him anymore - it was the same thing that had happened when I left Earth three years ago. Distance, as well as time and will power, enabled me to slowly but surely let go of my love for him, as I had decided. At first the devastation of my loss had resulted in my carrying around a terrible ache in my chest day after day, but as time passed and when I threw myself into the cold comfort of daily routine, that ache began to subside. Eventually, I began to slowly accept that he was getting married, and I liked to think that I was also gradually getting over him.

That was probably the reason why I agreed when Charles asked me out again.

I thought that it was about time that I moved on, so as the wedding plans entered their final stages, I began going steady with the vice president of CC - quite a catch, as far as earthlings went. He was an excellent listener, handsome, polite, and extremely clever - I found that I enjoyed his company immensely due to his wit. We went well together, bickering over pointless things and competing in silly games like who could cram the most grapes in their mouth (I won) - and it became such that I felt completely comfortable in his presence, and he in mine, after only a short two weeks of being an official couple. There was, however, one thing that had bothered me to no end...

I still hadn't let him kiss me.

I was fine with him holding my hand, holding me close, touching my neck in that fond way of his, or running his hands along my waist or up my back under my shirt - and believe me, I enjoyed that just as much as the next person - but I just couldn't go any further. He'd tried numerous times to kiss me, and I'm sure he was no novice at the art, either - but whenever he leaned in, and the moment was right - or romantic, whatever you want to call it - I would feel irrationally afraid, like there was something terribly wrong or dangerous about the situation, and my breath would seize up. I always ended up turning my head at the last moment, so the kiss would land on my cheek or at the corner of my mouth, but never on my lips.

I couldn't help it - it was instinct.

We talked about it once - like I said, I was completely comfortable with him and told him whatever was on my mind - and he concluded that I was afraid of letting him love me. He chalked it up to my three years of isolation stunting my emotional growth, and told me not to worry; he didn't mind going slowly.

But I couldn't pass off the feeling that there was something more to it than that.

Nevertheless, I appreciated his understanding nature, but the amount of attention he paid to me - and the intensity in his eyes when he looked into mine - they were all starting to scare me. It was shocking how fast and how hard he was falling for me, but I was afraid - not because I couldn't handle this affection, but because I wasn't falling for him just as fast, just as hard.

That, and, at moments when we were alone and happy, I kept seeing his face darker, his eyes bluer, and his hair lavender.

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Author's Note: Yea, I know, this is long overdue - so sue me, I had writer's block! Thanks to everyone for being patient, and as always, thanks so much for your kind reviews! Please keep in mind that criticism, as long as it's constructive, is also welcome.

About last chapter's rant: It seems that quite a few people agree with me. Unfortunately, it seems that FUNimation either doesn't know or doesn't care, so it looks like the US is stuck with their bad voiceovers. I don't think I'll be able to stomach much more of that, so I won't be watching anymore. I'd take the Japanese version over that any day, heh. ^^

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Disclaimer : The line "I would turn the world upside-down for [him]" is taken from Jim Henson's Labyrinth, spoken by David Bowie's Jareth.

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Disclaimer: Any and all characters belonging to Dragonball/Z/GT are the legal property of Toriyama Akira and/or FUNimation.