Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Ten no Ai ❯ Part 10 ( Chapter 10 )

She was always the one hindrance, the one thing that always seemed to keep me from even the smallest sliver of contentment. From Bejiita. My feelings, they were like some stupid game to her. This time she'd just gone too far.

| Was that all I ever saw her as? Not as a mother, wife or friend but a hindrance? |

Am I really so worried about being apart from him? Losing him?

Do I love him so much that I would kill for him?

I never though I'd ever hear those words, even in my own head.

What have you turned me into..?

I slump down to me knees. My arms just lie limply at my sides.

"Bejiita look what you made me do..."

A pause.

Finally, Bejiita seems to snap out of his quiet trance.

"What I made you do…?!"

===

"So you finally said it." A sneer developing to accompany my already plummeting mood. This day could get no worse.

"I always wondered if you would somehow blame me for all the shit in your life. Or as if just being around me has somehow tainted your 'oh so perfect' soul! Che' How is it MY fault you couldn't deal with that last insult?! How is it MY fault you killed your own wife!?

...and Buruma." I add, my voice just above a whisper, sickened and enraged at the thought.

"Tell me how that's my fault!"

But he says nothing. Just stares up at me with strange glassy, vacant eyes and an unreadable expression.

"Maybe I've been wrong about you all this time..." I whisper almost to myself.

"Maybe you really are the fool I always said you were..." I say, my vision beginning to blur.

| NO! I cried over him for the last fucking time! |

My heart lurches with deep, profound pain as I turn away from him. The only one I felt I could really rely on. The one I entrusted my heart and soul to. The one I thought would be with me forever. A wave of disappointment crushes my last shred of hope for happiness.

| How...why is this happening? |

I hear him take a quick breath. Even without looking, I sense Kakarotto finally hearing and reacting to my words, then running towards me.

"Bejiita...! Wait...don't...go..." I hear before he runs into me, holding me tightly to prevent me from doing just that. But all at once I hear those same words again in my head, yet they sound so far away. The world around me begins to dissolve into white. Then I'm suddenly forced to take a huge breath, as if it were my first.

I wake up with a start, confused and disoriented, sweat rolling down the side of my forehead. Kakarotto's words still echoing in my mind, his arms still wrapped around me like a vice, even in his sleep.

Look what you made me do.

Don't go...

His head snaps up as he wakes, looking around wildly. He backs away from me, and huddles himself on a corner of a bed.

Our bed. At the Blue Moon Hotel. On a beach in Arilis.

We never left.

"Just...

...a dream." I whisper.

I look over to my mate, who is breathing heavily, his legs drawn up to his chest and shaking like a leaf. I pull him out of his defensive, frightened posture and tilt his head towards me. He avoids eye contact.

"Kakarotto...."

After a long while he looks up at me with the wide, dark eyes, overflowing with sadness, disappointment, mortification, and shame. That is all I need to see to realize we've had the same dream.

"Just...a dream." I whisper again.

He pulls me close this time in a fierce hug. Afraid to let me go. Afraid I might vanish before his eyes this time and never return. He rocks back and forth. The shock from the events of dream... the nightmare still fresh and turbulent in his mind's eye. For some time neither of us says a word. But eventually I feel the need to break the silence.

"Just a dream... I know you wouldn't do something like that…"

"My Kakarotto...would not..."I say softly, reassuringly, despite what has happened. What we thought had happened.

===

My Kakarotto...would not...

| But I would. |

I thought I had.

===

Day Ten (Real)

Kakarotto continues to quiver. Trying to comfort me despite his violent trembling. Trying to comfort himself. Trying to sort things out in his mind. As do I.

Just...what was that? Is that really how I saw Buruma? The nightmare dredged up old, nearly forgotten sorrow, and even shame at how I had treated her. I was never cruel, or abusive. Yet I've always been gruff, even neglectful and acerbic at times. In a way I'd even used her to be near Kakarotto. Yet, she grew to love me anyway. But what I felt for her... it was not the same. It was always a cool, affectionate love, mild and serene, clear and calm. Almost indirect like the sunlight reflected off the moon, and only as warm as the colors on the leaves of a crisp, autumn day.

But Kakarotto. He's so...different. My emotions for him are bright, torrid and searing in its all consuming intensity. Almost blinding in its fiery brilliance. I love the heat...I adore the heat. I would let its flames engulf me and burn me until there was nothing left.

Anything for him.

Everything for him.

Just thinking of it makes me shiver.

===

Eventually Bejiita, though hesitantly, coils his arms around me. Bejiita's touch calms me, and somewhat puts my mind at ease. He was never a man of very many words, and rarely is he one to comfort others, but somehow, he always knows just what to do. I pull out of his now snug, warm embrace. He has a sad, little smile on his lips, and the furrowed brow and eyes of someone with unanswered questions running through his head.

I know what they must be.

A sigh.

I haven't spoken in all this time, but I know right now words are necessary. What I have to say won't be easy. I sink back into his embrace, seeking the comfort again.

"Bejiita… You know, I've been thinking about how you've changed …so much lately. I don't know why, but it took me so long to realize I've changed even more. Once, a long time ago, before I met you, I thought my strange one-sided union with Chichi would have been enough. That even though I was tricked into marriage, I would still be happy."

"There was a time when I was 'innocent.' Even with children people said this about me."

"Innocent" I laugh to myself at that. "Naive Gokuu, would never harm a soul, would never have an 'un-pure' thought in his head." I say, talking more to myself than to Bejiita.

"But that wasn't true. After a while that just wasn't me at all. It happened the moment Iaid eyes on you. Even by the end of our first battle…or when I said killing you would be such a waste...."

I take a deep breath, and shake my head at my own ignorance.

"Kami, how could I not have noticed? Even way back then you changed me. I'm not pure. No child-like soul," I say pulling Bejiita closer, smoothing my hands over his velvety, warm skin hungrily. Burying my nose in his unruly hair, before running my fingers through it. I lean even closer to whisper in his ear.

"The way I think about you, how even now I burn for you... I'd never be able to ride on nimbus again."

Despite the situation, I feel him tremble at that, and I have to restrain myself from doing more. Now isn't the time. After I calm myself I continue.

"I'm not innocent. I'm no saint. I'm not the 'hero' who's always right and just. I've spent so much time bending over backwards to fit this image so many people have of me. But you always saw right past that didn't you? So I stopped. I threw that old me away without a second thought. For you. Anything for you."

Bejiita simply listens. I feel him relax a bit since the whole ordeal began, but some tension still remains.

"But then why did you say..?" he begins.

" 'Look what you made me do' ?" I finish for him. "Bejiita, you misunderstand. I'm not really blaming you, or saying you turned me into some sort of monster. I was just so...shocked at what had happened, and with myself. It wasn't until then, that I realized I really would do anything for you. I would even kill for you. Something I once swore I would never do. It was then I discovered just how strong my feelings were."

I pause, taking another deep, but shaky breath.

"Chichi. I could always take her abuse before. But... not when it's about you. I guess everyone has their breaking point. I found mine... it's you. It was always you."

Bejiita sits there in silence, probably not sure what to make of what I've just said.

"I... was afraid. I am afraid. A feeling I've never truly experienced before. Even though I'm willing to do or be anything for you. Do anything in my power to never leave your side again. Even if I do terrible things for your sake...

Another pause as I feel strange pressure constrict around my chest.

"..But in doing so ... I worry…that maybe what I am, or what I may become, wouldn't be the person you knew anymore. That I would be too different, change so much that I wouldn't be the person you love anymore."

Even with all my efforts, I can't keep my voice from wavering.

I hug him even tighter. If at all possible, I'm even more unsure than before.

"Knowing all that...would you, do you still love me...?

===

I look at Kakarotto but he does not meet my eyes.

I sigh. "How little you know about me Kakarotto. I've never stopped loving you." I whisper, putting one hand over his. "That's the very thought that plagued my mind for so long. Do you know what I was like before I met you? Or how many lives I'd taken and reveled in it? I was the person who'd become too callous and cold. The one no one would or could love. The one no one wanted anything to do with."

"Because of that, for the longest time, I thought my feelings for you would go on unrequited forever. I didn't think anything else was possible for me. Do you know what it's like to always be the adoring one and never the adored? To be hated? But it was never like that with you. You saw in me things that no one else could or had bothered to try to look for. Even Buruma. You understood me on a level that she just couldn't reach."

"When I'm with you, I feel, complete."

I pull away and tilt his face to look him right in the eye.

"Do you know how much you mean to me? If your constant absences and greater strength couldn't sway my feelings then nothing will. I never stopped loving you! I don't think I could if I tried." I say with a small smile. He smiles as well. The pain, uncertainty, and self loathing in his eyes fade into relief.

I just hold him after that. We probably look like a couple of love sick fools.

But I don't care in the least.

===

"You know, I still wonder why we would have such a dream…and why now? What is it trying to tell us?" Bejiita asks.

I sit up finally, scratching my head with the same puzzled look.

"Saa na...maybe it was something we ate…"

"Well we're not going to find any answers in here. Lets go," Bejiita says, trying to untangle himself from the sheets, still rumpled and sticky from our romp from last night. I listen to his bare feet shuffling, and muffled by the thick carpet as he walks to the wooden dresser and pulls out some clothes. Then padding against the cool, tiled floor on his way to the bathroom. A few moments later, sounds of running water, and clouds of steam billow out of the open door. The faint splashing is barely heard as I become lost in my own thoughts.

| What…a horrible dream... |

Just what does it say about me? Was Chichi really as bad as I viewed her? How could she be? She had a right to react that way, to an extent. I was unhappy because the one I really wanted wasn't accessible. Because I was 'trapped' in an unfulfilling relationship, when I wanted so much more. Because what I yearned for was so close yet so far away.

But what about her? What must it have been like to love someone and know your feelings weren't fully returned? Or that you life of happiness with them was a lie, a farce, because that happiness was one sided? Or to know you came second in someone's heart when you should have been first?

It's sad. If we had just told them how we really felt, a lot of the grief in our day to day lives could have been avoided.

I'm such a fool!

She had a right to be angry. As did I. Then why did I react so badly? I've never raised a hand to her before. But I made a promise to him that nothing would keep us apart. I promised! Just like I'd always promised to protect the earth. To protect my family and friends. I cannot break it! My ties to him are just as strong. Yet, I'm shocked and frightened at how far I was willing to go to keep my oath.

Nothing would keep us apart.

And now Chichi...

If given the opportunity, I know I would do it again. I would do anything.

That's what scares me most of all. Bejiita's feelings won't change. Even if I become the devil for him. It may come to just that. He will still love me. He does still love me.

But do I?

Trying not to dwell and lament on it too much, I leave the bed to join Bejiita in the shower.

===

I soap up one last time, not really paying attention, lost in my own thoughts.

How ironic it is that this would happen now. Now when we were so happy and content. I was worried that things were going just too well. I and Kakarotto both. But what's wrong with things going well for once? It took a lifetime for us to be together. We should be ecstatic that we found each other. And we are, but the emotional scars of the past are slow to heal. But they will heal.

"It will just take some time," a voice that could belong to no other than Kakarotto answers behind me. He pulls back the curtain and slips in, immediately reaching for me. As always. He's a very tactile person, always seeking contact for comfort. Not that I mind in the least.

I do the same.

===

Day Twelve (Real)

We spend our time trying to retrace our steps. Still looking for clues, yet still wanting to enjoy our last few days of vacation time.

We walk out of the main entrance of the hotel wondering where to go next. Kakarotto's somewhat quiet, sullen mood suddenly changes to that of euphoria as he catches the scent of free food. In a flash he's over to a young man holding a tray of free samples. That boy looks familiar. Kakarotto reaches for the treats when the boy yanks the tray out of his reach.

"HEY! You again!? You ate all of them before!! Leave some for the others!!!"

"But..." Kakarotto pouts after being denied the tasty snack.

I walk over to them both, eyeing the strange food. Wait, I know these...

"Just what are these anyway?"

He straightens up, still holding the tray away from Kakarotto.

"These are the house's specialty "Unmei Yume." They are supposed to be the most delicious things in the universe despite how strange they look."

"And..." I say, not impressed.

"But that's not the hook! Supposedly after you eat them, depending on how many, or your species, they show you something you really need to know, or something you've forgotten that was really important, or the future, or whatever, through dreams and hallucinations and then..."

"Wait...you mean your drugging people!?" I say outraged holding him up by the front of his shirt. Somehow he still held on to the tray and only dropped a few Unmei Yumes on the ground.

"N...no! Of course not!! I think...the manager said they put spells on them after they cook them, but no drugs!!" he says in a trembling voice, hoping I'll believe him.

"They're still kind of new so...that's why...we tell people to only eat ...one." his voice dwindling to a whisper.

I look over at Kakarotto who after hearing that looks down at the ground sheepishly.

=flashback=

I go on exploring when the smells of exotic and utterly delicious food waft past my nose from the numerous restaurants nearby. I literally float over to the man giving out free samples. I don't even know what they are but they're gonna have a nice new home in my stomach. I inhale them before he's finished 'saying would you like one?'

"Yes I liked them just fine," I answer licking my fingers clean holding the last one in my left hand.

"Kakarotto..?" I hear Bejiita call for me from the desk. I walk back leaving the gaping man holding the empty tray.

"You're gonna get fat you know..."

"Naaa! ...Look I saved you one." I offer the last piece to him. I suppose I could have saved him more. There were over 30 pieces before I ate them.

"Thanks..." he says holding up and inspecting the peculiar looking food, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

=end flashback=

"I remember now." I say, putting the scared young man back down. He wastes no time in leaving, as do we after getting odd looks at making a scene over what looked to be so unimportant.

We begin walking, no where in particular. I think aloud.

"Wait...Kakarotto you ate an entire tray of those damn things didn't you!?" I say annoyed at his lack of control over his stomach. Before he can answer, the aforementioned stomach growls loudly.

"Hn." I say, that was all the answer I needed.

"I guess since we're saiyajin it took a while longer to work," he says trying to draw the conversation away from his uncontrollable lust for food.

"Maybe."

"I wonder why the dream turned into a nightmare...or why we had the same dream."

"I think our being mates had something to do it. Our rapport might have allowed our dreams to flow in sync with one another in the beginning, but then began to split in the middle, then suddenly come back together in then end. My perspective kept changing, and sometimes I felt like an observer of what was going on instead of a part of it. I guess that should have been a clue that was happening wasn't quite real."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, how was it I could see Buruma, but in your mind you saw Chichi instead? Then they started to merge again at the very end of the dream. But only I seemed to notice it at the end."

Kakarotto remains silent, trying to process my theories.

"I guess I should have just taken one like he said," Kakarotto finally admits after some time. "But, why was my side of the dream so much worse? Whenever I looked at you in the later half of the dream you didn't seem nearly as...distraught as I was."

"I guess your relationship with Chichi was...less than pleasant..."

| That's putting it very lightly |

"...Or rockier than Buruma's and my own. Neither of us were quite ourselves in the dream. But I think the fact that you ate so many of those things only exaggerated your feelings about Chichi and your actions afterwards."

"That may be why you reacted so...badly..." I say hesitantly.

Pause.

"Yea...it must be that…"

===

| I wonder if that's really true |

It might have nothing at all to do with the food.

It might just be me.

===

We walk for hours, just taking in the sights and talking off and on. In that time Kakarotto has made several stops at several stores for 'just a quick snack.' He'll never learn, though now he avoids all free food platters with great effort. I'm not one to talk either. I have just as much of an appetite as him. But I can control it. Annoyed with making so many stops, at the next restaurant, I order a one huge meal to go and we just take it with us.

More time passes, more walking, more sight seeing, more talking.

I take a bite of a huge sandwich when I notice in our wondering we arrived at a huge park with tall black trees.

| Haven't I been here before? |

"...They show you something you really need to know, or something you've forgotten that was really important...

...or the future...."

"Hey lets stop and eat under that tree over there," Kakarotto suggests.

I hesitate.

"Uh, let's go sit somewhere else, the grass is wet." I say getting an uneasy feeling at seeing the same tree from the dream. And the same young girl on roller skates. I walk away quickly, avoiding the park entirely and the little girl that pulled my tail, which I keep wrapped tightly around my waist. Kakarotto jogs to catch up.

===

Day Thirteen (Real)

This day is much like the last. We search for our answers in various ways. However, Kakarotto's mood seems worse than before. Our talks from yesterday don't seemed to have put his mind at ease after all. He tosses and turns in his sleep. He is always distracted and distant. I give comforting hugs, kisses, or even a simple squeeze of his shoulder. He smiles, showing his appreciation of my efforts. Yet when he looks at me, there's sadness in his eyes. Always sadness. And something else. Something I've never seen from him.

This ordeal has been much harder on him than I. The Unmei Yume had a hand in that. But I don't think that's what's really plaguing his mind these past few days.

But, this is a vacation. This should be enjoyable. I guess I need to remind him of that. I have to remind him to have fun.

How ironic.

How fitting.

I'll help him in any way I can.

===

We frequent all the places Kakarotto seemed to like the most. We walk until we are startled by a strange woman that suddenly decided to talk to us from a small booth on the corner. Covered in bright, garish colors and too much make up.

"What's with the long faces my brothers? This... is a happy place and a happy time! Why aren't you glad to be alive?" she asked in a slightly annoying sing song manner.

"Could it be that you're unhappy?"

We just look at her giving no answer.

She gives both of us a long, searching stare. She glances from Kakarotto, to me, then back. We are surprisingly tolerant of her scrutiny. After another minute the strange woman speaks again.

"Are you in love?" she asks with a low voice, as if she wanted no one but us to hear. "Yes. You are." she answers her own question, sitting back and smiling triumphantly at her own perceptive skills. I smile.

"Oh that's swell! The problem, what would it be? Could it be, you do not love yourselves?" she asks in another broken melody. Kakarotto manages to look more morose than before.

"But...but you must love yourself!! How can you ever really love anyone else?!" she yells, drawing curious and annoyed glances from passers-by with her antics. Now rather bemused, we wait for some other 'insightful' tid-bit of knowledge. She doesn't disappoint.

"You must loooooove the self! Huuuug the self!! Squeeeeeze the self!! Come on! Squeeze it! WHY aren't you squeezing?!" she shrieks, arms wrapped around, nearly strangling herself. Tired of being part of the scene she's making, we back away slowly and depart quickly.

"Listen to what I said you two!!"

===

When we're a safe distance away we slow down to a normal pace. Now, given even the smallest opportunity, I slip back into my own thoughts.

I...I do love myself! I'm not always happy about the things I do, or feel or say. But that's different! Isn't it? And I do love him! A little too much if anything. He lets me see side of him that no one else even knew existed. That strange way of his to be so horribly cruel and yet so amazingly kind at times.

How strange he is.

How wonderful he is.

I am able to see his lighter side, while I let him see my...other side. The part of me that I was always so afraid to let others see. He shielded his vulnerable side from fear of being hurt. I hid the angry, bitter, darker aspect of myself from fear of hurting others.

How ironic.

How fitting.

===

We walk until the sun begins to set. Luckily having encountered no more loud, eclectic people, or any other oddities of this place. Kakarotto looks down at the ground dejectedly, with his hands shoved in his pockets. I pull one out to hold it. He doesn't resist, but for several minutes, he doesn't really hold back either. I let out a long sigh. Somewhat annoyed with myself for not being able to improve his mood.

===

Day Fourteen (Real)

Our final day on this very strange vacation. Even though they're suppose to be fun, I'm not entirely sure how much of a `good time' I've had. And Kakarotto, the happiest of the happy, who's laughter can brighten even the darkest room, has barely smiled in days.

He waits for me in the lobby as always while I tie up the loose ends, returning the keys, and towels and what not. The room damage fines were even higher than I imagined they would be. And just as I had suspected, the woman behind the counter and the other hotel patrons give us the same odd looks, like before.

| We couldn't have been that loud. Could we? |

"Well if that's all then…" I say turning to leave and she raises and eyebrow, recognizing my voice. I give her an icy glare, challenging her to say anything about our almost destructive activities at night. She holds her tongue. Smart woman.

I join Kakarotto in the lobby and we promptly leave the hotel. Growing tired of their curious eyes. We pass the boy distributing Unmei Yumes again. Kakarotto doesn't even notice him this time.

===

We do not give away our plane tickets, a little more willing to put up with the rabble this time. The food is terrible as always. Kakarotto is lost in his own thoughts for the entire trip. On his face a guarded, unreadable expression. The one I'd spent my life trying to perfect: a look of bored indifference, to hide my inner turmoil. What could he be stewing about? We've already discussed what happened, the dream. It didn't happened. None of it hap… wait.

I see now why Kakarotto wears such an expression. That… nightmare could easily be our future.

That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach began to stir again.

===

We decide to walk back from the airport. We walk slowly, in no hurry at all to get home this time. All the while, heavy, dark clouds roll across the sky, blocking out the warm sun, threatening to spill their load any minute. We arrive at our dome shaped house all too soon.

The door is closed. The house intact, just the way we left it.

Then it began to rain.

Kakarotto looks around, then up to the grey sky. Rain wetting his hair as it molds to his face. His long thick bangs covering his eyes.

===

I'm such a fool. Look at me. What am I worrying about? Chichi? I haven't seen her in so long. Yet she still haunts me even here. But she's not here. I never killed her. She's not here. She was never here. Only my memory of her. Memories of things I'd almost forgotten, but shouldn't have. Things I needed to remember; to learn from. Was this what I needed to see? How could I be so blind?

===

He laughs.

A, loud, full laugh. At our situation. At out needless worry. At himself.

The house… is empty. There was no Chichi. No Buruma. Just the memory of them. No old, forgotten grief to experience anew. No old wounds reopened. No angst.

Just us.

Kakarotto sinks down to his knees on the wet ground and laughs. Face still turned up towards the weeping sky as his own tears run down his cheeks and the rain mingles with them. Washing them away.

His laughter dies down until he just smiles, closing his eyes, bright from tears.

With a sigh of relief, I sink down to my knees as well, leaning against him. He puts an arm around my shoulder, before burying his face in the crook of my neck. We sit there together in the rain, letting it wash away all our old pain, our old, bitter memories of a past life. Washing away all but the lessons we've learned and our feelings for each other. As if giving us a fresh start. A sort or catharsis.

There's silence for a long time.

"Ai shiteru…Bejiita" he whispers against the skin of my neck. Then he says nothing more.

I say nothing.

There's no need for words. We know exactly what the other is thinking.

We sit there, we two, in the rain. Glad to be together. Glad to be just a little bit wiser. Glad our relationship is just that much stronger. Keeping each other warm. Helping each other. Needing each other. Loving each other. Just as it should be.

I hope we can stay like this forever.

FIN

"Ten no Ai / Control Arc / Control "Side" Story" (C) 2002 Rena "Sama" / 'the light'

Started 2/2002, Finished 11/2002

[1] Che = Shit

[2] Saa na = dunno / who knows

[3] Unmei Yume = Fate Dreams

===

Author's Final Comment

A lot of this story is the product of my own self analysis. The things Gokuu and Bejiita think or worry about, what they find great or horrible, some of their personality traits and quirks they exhibit are to an extent things from my own life, or what goes on in my mind from time to time. In many ways the whole experience in writing this fic was a personal exploration for Gokuu and Bejiita as well as myself.

I feel like I've been writing this story for so long. Even though it ends rather happily and is very open to various interpretations, I'm actually a little sad now, but happy at the same time. I'll already miss it.

Sigh. Wow… after all that, I think that's all I really had to say...

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it.

Thank you!