Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ The Mustache ❯ Full Growth Is Obtained ( Chapter 3 )

The Mustache

By Elbereth in April

Chapter 3: Full Growth Is Obtained

Finally it had happened. Vegeta regarded his mustache with considerable glee. It Was Fully Grown! Now things would start to happen!

He cackled wickedly. He would put it to use right away. And the first use, obviously, would be to show his power over Kakkarot!

Bulma, Bra, and Trunks, standing in the hallway, heard eerie, gloating laughter coming from the bathroom. "Is that Daddy?"

Bulma sighed. "What other baka would it be?" She pounded on the bathroom door. "Vegeta! Other people need to use the bathroom, too, you know!"

Vegeta, who was re-combing and trimming his mustache--and had been, in fact, for quite some time--hollered back, "Leave me alone, Woman!"

"It's been over an hour, Vegeta!"

"Shut up, Woman! I've had to wait on you for years!"

"Well, Mom, that's true. . ." Trunks scratched his head.

Bra giggled. "I bet he's working on his mus--tache!" she said in a deliberately loud voice. The others laughed.

Inside the bathroom, Vegeta bristled. So what if he was? They were going out. It had to be perfect. His complete superiority over Kakkarot had to be proven once and for all!

And in the hallway. . .

"Mom, he's laughing madly again. . ."

________ _______

The Vegeta-Briefs Family was meeting the Son Family for dinner. This was a fairly monumental event. The wives had picked out Le Chang's Buffet Restaurant, a classy place uptown. The Son Family was already seated and waiting impatiently when they arrived.

Vegeta strutted toward them, arrogance radiating from every molecule in his being. The others walked sheepishly a little way behind.

Trunks was quite looking forward to their reactions.

Vegeta stopped at the head of their table and crossed his arms. He stared at each in turn, waiting for the acclaim.

The silence was absolute.

"Wow," Chi-Chi said at last, "and I thought I was shocked when you cut your hair."

"It's OK," Videl blurted, "he's still wearing black leather."

She began to blush furiously as everyone turned to look at her speculatively.

"What did you mean by that remark?" Gohan demanded, scowling. "Have you been checking out *Vegeta*?"

Bulma's eyes narrowed as she stared at Videl, and she clutched onto Vegeta's arm possessively.

Vegeta cut off Videl's stammering reply. "Where's Kakkarot?"

"Up at the buffet," Pan responded. "He couldn't wait."

"Hn. Figures." So far Vegeta was displeased. He hadn't gotten the reaction he had anticipated. Could there possibly be something wrong with his mustache? He ran his fingers over it. No, no. . . it was fine, he reassured himself. Superb, in fact. So what was the problem?

Well, he would go try it out on Kakkarot.

He turned abruptly and stalked off to the buffet table, where he found Kakkarot trying to balance three heaped-full plates on either arm.

Goku grinned. "Vegeta--you made it!"

Vegeta regarded him, scowling, fingers drumming on one crossed arm.

Goku squinted in puzzlement. "Something about you seems--different somehow, Vegeta."

Vegeta waited.

"That's a new shirt, isn't it?"

A darker scowl was the reply.

"You cut your hair again?"

Disapproving silence.

"Lost weight? Gained weight?"

Vegeta tapped his foot.

"Nose job?"

He growled.

Goku grinned again. "I'll never guess," he said happily. "You'll have to tell me."

Vegeta gritted his teeth. "My *mustache*, Kakkarot. My mustache."

Goku's eyes grew very large. His mouth formed an "O" of surprise. For a moment, he simply gawked. Then he burst out laughing. "M-mustache! V-V-Vegeta with a m-m-mustache!"

________ ______

Meanwhile, back at the table. . .

"Dad, will you give it a rest?" Pan rolled her eyes at her father. "I think Vegeta looks good in black leather, too, OK?"

"Pan, you're grounded! And I'm taking you to see if you need glasses!"

"Honestly, Chi-Chi," Bulma was saying softly, "I don't know what's gotten into him. It's been so hard not to just laugh in his face some days. And you know how he'd take that! I like Capsule Corp in one piece, thank you."

"What is it with Saiyan men and weird hair?" Chi-Chi mused.

"Trunks," Goten was grinning. "Your dad looks like a geek. Ow!"

Bra had kicked him under the table, hard. "Don't talk about my father that way!"

"Ow! Sorry!"

"Yeah, my dad can whip your butt," Trunks boasted.

"Yeah!" Bra exclaimed.

"OK, OK, I take it back." Goten looked around the table for support. "Hey, Nissan, what do you think?"

"He doesn't look that great to me!"

Pan was pouting. "You're jealous, Dad."

"Of an old man? Ow!"

Bulma had stepped on his foot, hard. "What are you saying about my husband, who is younger than me?"

"Um, nothing, nothing. . ." Gohan waved his hands frantically.

Back at the buffet. . .

"What-are-you-laughing-at?" Vegeta gritted out, his voice and demeanor entirely too calm for anyone to remain unafraid.

Unless they were completely clueless, like Goku. "N-nothing, Vegeta. I don't mean anything. I *like* it!" He leaned closer and nudged Vegeta, shoulder hitting shoulder, as close to a friendly slap on the arm as he could manage while holding all those plates.

"Are you mocking me?" Vegeta hissed, and shoved him.

The plates fell to the floor. Goku made a desperate grab for them, but missed. He stumbled forward into Vegeta.

Who shoved him again, farther away this time.

"Look what you made me do," Goku whined, staring at the spilled food and broken crockery on the floor.

"You are such a baka!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you--ugh! Leave me alone!"

Vegeta turned to walk away. Suddenly Goku was in front of him, blocking his way. "Aw, come on, Vegeta, don't be like that. I said I was sorry."

"You have two seconds to get out of my way."

"Vegeta. . ."

"One," he said, and punched Goku in the nose.

Goku yelped and put up a hand to massage his nose. "You said two! You cheated!"

"You mocked me!" He moved to brush past Goku, who grabbed his arm and spun him back around. Vegeta promptly hit him in the jaw.

"Would you quit it?" Goku, in exasperation, reached out and tugged on Vegeta's mustache. "Ding ding."

Vegeta froze in complete shock. Goku laughed again. "You should see your expression, it's really funny!"

Vegeta's face turned an unhealthy-looking shade of red as his eyebrows drew down and his fist clenched. "No one," he said, very quietly, "touches my mustache."

Goku gulped and backed up a step as Vegeta's ki started escalating very fast, and his aura started crackling around him.

"Oh no," Gohan groaned, at the table. "There they go again."

"If we want food, we'd better get it now." Goten's eyes had widened in panic. There was a mass Saiyan and demi-Saiyan rush to the buffet counter. Bulma, Chi-Chi, and Videl sighed and followed more calmly.

Vegeta chased Goku around the buffet table as the two men and three women also getting food bolted back to their tables. Two more men and a waitress who had been heading that direction turned around and ran away. The Saiyans and their relatives sidestepped them and started filling up their plates.

A waiter came tip-toeing over. "Um, sirs, no running in the. . ." he broke off and dove for cover when Vegeta sent a small ki burst his way.

"Vegeta! Don't kill the waiters," Bulma protested, on her way back to the table. "I may need my drink refilled."

Vegeta ignored her and started firing at Goku. As Goku dodged his first attack, he picked up a new plate. On his successive dodges, he tried to get a baked potato, but it rolled off. So he then tried mashed potatoes instead, and those stuck pretty well. He did a dive ending in a somersault and came up next to the roast beef.

"Kakkarot! You're not taking this seriously!"

"But, Vegeta, I just want to eat!"

"Eat this!"

Back at the table. . .

A ricochet blast flew past Gohan's head. He leaned sideways, keeping his hand protectively over his plate. "That was close."

"Oh, I forgot the butter! Trunks, can you get me some?"

"Sure, Mom. I wanted some more ham anyway." He got up, crouching low, and jogged over to the buffet. "Whoops!" He jumped, as a ki blast hit where he'd been standing and almost took out the butter. "Woah, I'd better hurry."

"Kakkarot," Vegeta said through clenched teeth, "put that food down and fight me."

"Urt, Geta, I anta eat," Goku replied through a mouthful of chicken.

"That does it!" Vegeta blasted the plates out of his hands.

Goku sighed and pouted a bit. "All right. You want fighting? Here!" He grabbed a ladle full of gravy and sploshed it down Vegeta's shirt-front. "Are you happy?"

Vegeta growled and doused him in melted cheese.

"Good luck, Dad," Trunks called in passing. Vegeta nodded just before he was smacked in the face with stuffing. He launched a return shower of strawberries and mayonnaise.

Trunks sat back down and handed Bulma her butter. "Goten, you have milk on your lip."

"Ah." Bra smiled. "A milk mustache."

"Ooh! Ooh! Who am I?"

Unable to help herself, Bulma burst out laughing.

Back at the buffet. . .

Bang! Schlup! Pudding scattered to the high heavens and resettled, like sludgy volcanic ash. Customers at nearby tables were thoroughly splattered. Chili and cream of broccoli soup followed, coming down like chunky rain, ruining the carpeting. A man with a toupe, now dreadfully askew, dripping chocolate and hamburger, stood up and pointed a threatening finger. "You irresponsible puss-brains! I'm sending you my drycleaning bill! Look what you've done to my. . ." His words were cut off as Vegeta scowled and lobbed a roll at his fake hair-piece. His eyes turned into stars as it rebounded off his head, knocking off the toupe, and spinning him around to land face-first into his plate of creamed corn and yams, and incidentally, mildly concussing him.

His lunch companions screamed and abandoned him to his fate, running for the exits. The couple at the neighboring table abandoned their dignity and fled as well, yelling at the top of their lungs and flailing their arms about, creating mass panic. The other diners jumped up, shrieking, running into each other and the waiting staff, slipping on thrown food, falling, getting stepped on, getting up again, jamming into the doorway, getting stuck, shoving the people around them, then finally getting through.

"I'm so embarrassed," Pan said.

Gohan dodged his way around the departing bodies, skirting the soup spill, and cartwheeling around a barrage of thrown melon slices. He finally reached the buffet counter and hastily snatched the tray of brownies to take back to Videl and Pan.

Goku hit Vegeta smack in the face with a large serving of macaroni and cheese. Vegeta wiped his eyes and tackled him, keeping him pinned to the floor with his weight, and dumped a pan of spaghetti and meatballs over Goku's face, followed by a pan of marinara sauce. Then he squished it all in.

Goten made a massive running leap over their prone bodies in order to get more chicken fingers and honey mustard sauce. He discovered that the sauce was ruined. "Man!" he whined. "We can't take them anywhere! I'm going to have to go home after this and have a snack!"

He was almost back to the table when Bra called out, "You didn't forget my pizza, did you?"

He smacked himself in the forehead. "Um, course not!" He turned around and headed back into the fray. His eyes widened at the sight of the two Saiyans. They were covered in food from hair to boots, their features obscured, their clothes caked and gunky. They hardly resembled people anymore. They looked more like the floor of a taxi-cab--or a casserole baked by a psychotic chef. Only Goten's heritage kept him from losing his appetite.

Goku managed to get an elbow in Vegeta's ribs and rolled him off to the side, into a mound of squashed, green-bean-sprinkled jello. He reached up and snagged himself a cornbread muffin, which he ate as Vegeta got to his feet.

"I thought you were fighting seriously!"

"I am, but my stomach isn't."

Vegeta began pelting him with croutons, thrown hard and fast as bullets. "Ow! Vegeta, that hurts!"

Goku retaliated with globs of mashed potatoes. Goten got hit in the side of the face just as he was reaching for a piece of pepperoni. "Dad!"

"Sorry!"

"Serves you right for being slow and unwary, brat!" Vegeta cackled, just before he was struck with a slice of roast beef. It splatted against his neck and slid down.

Goten laughed, and Vegeta splashed him with a wave of ranch salad dressing. "Aw, man!" He retreated back to the table.

"Here." He thrust Bra's pizza at her, with a sulky expression. Bra just laughed.

Meanwhile, at the scene of the fight. . .

Goku zipped behind Vegeta and scattered shrimp down the back of his shirt. Vegeta bonged him over the head with a serving dish. Lettuce, mushrooms, and cauliflower flew through the air. A huge ham roast struck Goku in the chest. Vegeta skidded over applesauce as he tried to avoid chunks of thrown meatloaf. He crashed into a tub of hot fudge and fell to the floor, sticky with chocolate. A dish of M & M's and sprinkles toppled over and coated him with candy. He pulled the dish away but the candy stuck.

Goku, in pursuit, also lost his footing and slammed into the ice cream dispenser. He was promptly covered in soft-serve chocolate-vanilla swirl. He began licking the ice cream off his fingers. He looked over at Vegeta, lying on the floor next to him, and grinned. He plucked a couple M & M's off Vegeta's shoulder, mixed them with ice cream from his own chest, and ate them.

"Kakkarot, you completely disgust me," Vegeta snarled.

Goku reached over with both hands and poked either side of Vegeta's mustache with one finger. "Beep beep."

"Kakkarot." Vegeta looked at him very calmly. "Did you just `beep' me?"

"Yep!" He put one hand behind his head and grinned.

"Did you just touch my mustache--again?"

"Yep!"

"That's it!"

Trunks, standing up to refill his plate with whatever he could find still intact, was knocked back into his seat when a Big Bang Attack and an aborted Kamehameha defense took out the buffet, part of the ceiling, most of the tables and chairs, and the entire back wall.

"Oooh!" Chi-Chi steamed. "They are in *so* much trouble. This was the only all-you-can-eat buffet left in town that we hadn't been thrown out of!"

Bulma sighed. "Yeah. This is why I order out."

________ _______

Later that evening, Bulma walked through the living room where her children were watching the news. She stopped as she realized the T.V. screen was showing the remains of where they'd eaten lunch.

A reporter stood outside the wreckage. "The fight was apparently started by a mustached man." She turned to a traumatized looking waitress. "Could you describe the events?"

The waitress stared at her with crazed eyes. "The mustache," she said. "The mustache. . ."

"Um, yes. Anything else?"

She grabbed hold of the reporter's collar and pulled her until their faces were only inches apart. "Beware the mustache!"

The reporter struggled to remove the eye-witness' hands. "Okaaay."

The woman clutched on tighter. "The mustache!!"

The reporter turned her face to the camera and gave a sickly smile. "And back to you, Larry."

As the picture was replaced by Larry's weak grin, they heard in the background, "Could someone pull this baka woman off me?"

And rantings of, "The mustache. . ." faded into silence.

"Oh dear," Bulma said.

"Don't let Dad watch that." Trunks shook his head. "It would go straight to his ego."

"Doesn't everything?" Bulma rolled her eyes and left the room.

"Beware the mustache," Bra giggled.

"Bra, this isn't funny!"

"I know, he looks like a geek!"

______ ______

"Irresponsible puss-brains" from UHF.

"Like the floor of a taxi-cab" from Ghostbusters.

I own neither.