Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Vegeta's Christmas Carol ❯ Gold Chains of the Damned ( Chapter 2 )

Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

Disclaimer: (Sorry lawyers, I forgot the disclaimer on Chpt 1) DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees.

Chpt 2 warnings: language and bad fashion

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Chapter 2: Gold Chains of the Damned

Vegeta had no idea how long he slept. When he woke the room was dark, and the house still. Apparently the party had ended and everyone went home. Only the howl of the wind rattling the windows broke the silence, along with the shifting creak of the house and the rustle of branches.

As Vegeta lay awake underneath the covers he gazed out at the darkness, trying to unearth the secrets of the shadows, unnerved at how they seemed to dance when he stared too long without blinking. A deep sense of foreboding settled over him, increasing by the moment.

He jumped as a powerful rush of wind blew open the window. An arctic blast of air and flurry of snow gusted into the room.

Dammit.

He leapt up and shut the window, then dove back under the covers to warm up.

The silence pressed heavily on him, and he could hear the pounding of his heart. Something was coming, he could feel it.

There. In the distance, the clank of chains, slowly drawing ever closer. The clinking, clanking of many chains grew louder, and soon the sound of footsteps accompanied them.

"Vegeta Oujisamaaaa..." called a faraway voice.

Vegeta sat frozen in place, unable to believe his ears. What was going on? Who could be calling him like that? Strange, that voice sounded eerily familiar.

The footsteps stopped right outside his door. Seconds later a faint bluish-white mist passed through the door, and drifted toward him.

Sweat rolled down the prince's face. A... A ghost? But they didn't exist! Right? Someone had to be playing a trick on him.

As the mist drew closer to his bed it began to coalesce and take form. The figure of a man took shape from the smoke, covered in golden chains: some heavy, some thin, some with huge ostentatious medallions. Expensive yet tacky snakeskin boots clopped on the floor. His clothes became distinguishable, as did an extremely garish, bizarre suit. Lastly, his face could be discerned... a scarred face.

Vegeta fell over. "You?!"

"VEGEEETA OUJISAMAAAAA!" the ghost boomed, rattling his chains in Vegeta's face. "I have come to warn you of grave peril!"

"Bah. I'm embarrassed to think I was actually worried for a minute. Get out of my room, fool! What the hell is the matter with you? And how did you do that trick just now?"

"None of your business, and I ain't goin' nowhere till I give you my warning."

Vegeta twitched in anger. "Get out, asshole!" He swung a punch at the ghost, but it only broke apart into mist again and immediately reformed.

Yamcha pulled down his lower eyelid and stuck his tongue out. "Nyaah! You can't hurt a ghost. Or more specifically, a mental construct."

"A mental what? Look, just tell me whatever the hell you want to tell me and get lost."

"I think I will." The ghost cleared his throat. "VEGEETA OUJISAMAAAA!! Dooo not cheat on your wife or you will be forced to wear the chains of the player for all time! Observe my dread fate!" He jangled the profusion of flashy gold chains, medallions swinging to and fro.

"Wh-What are you talking about?" Vegeta stuttered uncomfortably. "I've been thinking no such thing, and besides she's not even my wife. We've never married."

"Lies! The very reason I was called here was by your illicit thoughts of Son Goku, and by the notion you had of seeing him behind Bulma's back."

"I wasn't even serious about that-"

"You've got two kids with her, and though you never took vows she's as good as your wife. You've lived with her for so long you're considered married in the eyes of the law and the eyes of society. That's called a common law marriage."

"Common law? I didn't know about this!"

"No matter how dead the relationship is, you gotta make a clean break with her before you pursue Goku."

"I'm not pursuing him!"

"Behold my grim shackles, mortal!" The chains flailed about. "All it took was one line from a character giving third hand information about the fidelity of a Yamcha from a different timeline, and I was fettered with these gahddammed chains for the rest of my existence, doomed to be villanized by a hundred-thousand crazy fangirls."

The ghost began to pace the floor, muttering angrily to himself. "'Player' my ass. Who was it who drooled over every cute guy she came across when we were kids, and constantly jumped down my throat for stuff that wasn't my fault? She was my first girlfriend ever- how many people make it work with the first girl they ever date? Bunch of bullshit... it's a conspiracy, I tell ya..." Mutter, gripe, complain.

"Umm... And your point was what again?"

"Oh, right. Sorry, man, I zoned out there for a second. HEEED my words, Vegeta Oujisama! You must make a clean break with Bulma before you hook up with Goku-san. The dignity of all involved will be maintained and the transition will be much easier."

"I don't even want that brain-damaged fool! Why, the very thought of it is laughable."

"Hah! I figured as much. You're still in serious denial. Fortunately, the job of tearing down that wall of pride falls on stronger shoulders than mine. Listen well, Vegeta. Tonight you will be visited by three spirits. I am only the preface- they are the message. Take their words to heart, open your mind, and by morning you'll be falling into your precious Kakarot's arms."

"Doubtful, you presumptous moron!"

"The first will arrive as the clock chimes one, the next at the second morning hour, the third at three."

"Convenient."

"They will lead you down the right and worthy path. Now, you're going to do as I asked, correct?"

"NO, because I'm never pursuing Kakarot."

Yamcha ignored him, hooking him with one of his chains and yanking him forward into a one-armed buddy-hug. "But just in case you change your mind-"

"I won't change it. I have an iron will."

"But juuust in the fluke chance that you do ask him-"

"It's not going to happen!" Vegeta squirmed to escape but Yamcha continued trapping him with more and more chains.

"Say, just for the sake of argument, that you got a crazy notion out of the blue and you did decide to ask him. You would break up with Bulma first, right? You must do so, or your chains will be heavier than mine!"

"Alright, alright! If fate delivers me some bizarre twist where I do ask Kakarot if he wants to have a relationship, I will end it with the woman first. Happy? Now shut up and get lost, you poltergeist pimp!"

The ghost yanked the chains free and Vegeta spun and flew up into the air, landing with an unceremonious whump onto the bed, looking ready to kill.

"Hot damn! My job is done here." Yamcha slapped a matching hat with a ridiculously oversized feather plume on his head, and let out a shrill whistle between his fingers. A ghostly aircar full of busty, giggling bimbos drove through the wall and came to a screeching halt before him.

Yamcha turned back to the stunned Vegeta and gave him a wink. "Hey, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, you know? If they're going to call me a player, I might as well roll with it."

He leaped into the backseat between two of the girls and they attached themselves to each side of him. "I gots to git these hos downtown. Later, dog!"

He saluted, and the aircar peeled off through the window and flew out into the sky.

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Vegeta sat bolt upright in his bed with a gasp. What the hell was that? He paused, and heard the music and voices of the party still going on downstairs. It had been nothing but a dream.

That's the last time I eat oyster casserole and sweet pickles together, he thought.

Vegeta heard Yamcha's laughter among the other noises filtering up through the floorboards. Of course. He'd heard the man in his sleep, and the strange foods combined to give him that twisted dream.

Break up with Bulma indeed. Tch. And the three ghosts- that's from that one Christmas book Gohan had read the boys! Yes, it all made sense, explained cleanly away. The story had influenced his subconscious.

So I have absolutely nothing to worry about, Vegeta concluded smugly as he flopped over in bed and heaved the comforter over his shoulders.

Meanwhile, the minute hand of the clock ticked ominously closer to one o'clock...

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