Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Vegeta's Christmas Carol ❯ Conclusion and Epilogue ( Chapter 7 )

Vegeta's Christmas Carol

by Orchideater

Rated: R

Warnings: Humor yaoi, Gk/V, Christmas cheer, grinchiness, OOCness, nudity, innuendo, a bit of Vegeta torture (the fun kind, not the bdsm kind), and bizarre underwear.

Disclaimer: DBZ and all DBZ characters property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees

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Chapter 7: Conclusion and Epilogue

"It's morning," Vegeta marveled, hardly able to believe his own eyes.

"Dad!" Trunks tugged on his stupefied father's arm to get his attention. "I want you to go find that Santa guy and beat him up."

"Whuh? Santa? What?"

"He's a liar. Mom told me that the mayor signed a deal with Santa for him to provide his services to our city, but there's no presents under my tree! He can't break a contract like that."

"Nuhhh..."

"Dad?"

"IT'S MORNING!" Vegeta exploded off the bed, bowling Trunks over and burying him in the flying covers. "Get up, boy, get up. There's lots to do! Where's Bulma? Why the hell aren't you nagging her about this present business?"

"She's asleep. Everybody's still asleep."

"Asleep?! But it's-" he checked the clock- "7:00! Go wake them up this instant."

"Yeah, ha-hah!"

"No, wait." Vegeta wobbled around in a tizzy, his mind racing a mile a minute. "Where's my good suit, I need something better than this training rag to wear. Get it for me, will you? Right now, go!"

"But dad, you got mad and threw it in the hamper last night."

Vegeta wanted to kick himself. Damn, why did he have to do that? By now it would be wrinkled and musty with sweat smells.

"Shit. I don't have time for this! Trunks, do me a favor and pick me out something I'd look good in, something dressy and new."

With that he dashed in the bathroom to wash up and slammed the door, leaving behind a perplexed Goten and Trunks. Five minutes later he hurried out in a towel and saw the outfit the boys had set out for him.

Vegeta pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Oh, for the love of...

"We did good, huh, dad?" Trunks said proudly. "This shirt's expensive and brand new." Sure enough, they had fetched the pink shirt and red tie from Christmas Eve and laid it out with tan dress shoes and pants.

"Couldn't you find me something better than this?"

Trunks looked crushed. "You don't like it? B-But we thought it would look nice."

The boy had obviously inherited his mother's fashion sense. "Fine, whatever! I'll take anything at this point. Now go wake up those drunken slugs downstairs."

"Okay."

They ran off, and as Vegeta dressed he could hear the racket in the living room directly below. He made out a succession of whining, demanding pleas to get up, followed by the many anguished groans from the hungover adults, and the scramble of frantic footsteps as someone ran off to the bathroom to puke.

The guests had all fallen asleep in random piles around the room, and due to the heavy snowfall (and the high blood-alcohol levels) no one even thought of going home.

"M-o-o-o-m, Mom! Get up! I want you to sue Santa!"

The boys' voices pierced through Bulma's head. "Not so loud, honey," she said, waving a hand weakly at him to stop. "Mommy's head is killing her. How 'bout you go make your mom some coffee, huh? That's a good boy."

"But mom, there's no presents! Santa gypped us."

"What?!" Bulma woke up very quickly. "Oh no! I for-" She glanced askance at the kids. "Uh... Um... Oh, I know what happened. Ah, Santa runs quite a large corporation, and he must have gotten the wrong memo. You see, ah, some kids traditionally find their presents inside a closet instead of under the tree. It's like a treasure hunt. Why don't you go look through all the closets and see which one has your gifts from Santa?"

"Oh, wow, cool, a treasure hunt!" Both raced off, and the sound of swinging and slamming doors could be heard until two shrieks of triumph signaled that they'd found the gifts.

Bulma breathed a sigh of relief. That was close. Even hungover I'm a genius, she gloated.

Before she could sprain an arm patting herself on the back, a hurricane force tailwind nearly blew them over as Vegeta burst through the doorway. "WOMAN!"

Everyone's head rang like a church bell.

"Augh. Vegeta, what is it?"

He zipped over to her and struck a kneeling position at her feet, and took her hand. "Bulma. Last night I had an amazing revelation- a vision! I was shown the way by a pimp, a bitch, a fatso, and a dead guy."

Bulma looked down at him sympathetically, as concerned as she could be when his loud voice was pounding on her head. "Ohh, no. Vegeta's got the DTs."

"I'm not drunk! This is important, woman."

He shifted his position, and took a deep breath as he began. "Woman... I'm sorry. As of today, I want you to know that it's over between us. Thank you for bearing my children, and taking me in, but it's time we admitted it's over, if we had anything to start with. I'm in love with someone else, and so are you. I know about you and that lab boy."

Bulma's heart stopped. "You know about Earl? P-Please don't kill him! We only talked, Vegeta, I swear!"

"It doesn't matter. All I know is we'll both be happier with others."

She calmed a bit and tentatively raised a hand to stroke his face, her expression melancholy. "You're really serious aren't you?"

"Yes," he said softly. "Are you angry?"

"Not really. Just a little surprised. I knew our fire had burned out a long time ago, but... it still hurts to hear when a relationship is over for good, you know?"

"I'm sorry, woman."

"Thank you for being so straightforward, at least," she whispered, then pegged him with a questioning look. "Er, is this person you love the person I think it is?"

Vegeta's eyes flickered back to the drowsy man on the couch and he said nothing, but that simple action told her all she needed to know.

"Yeah. Well, it's no shock to me- you've only been totally obsessed with him since the day you set foot on this planet. Go do what you have to do, Vegeta, just remember Trunks and Bura every now and then."

He nodded and gave her one last tender embrace. The second she let go, though, he zipped over to kneel at Goku's feet instead, and took his hand.

"Crazy prince," she huffed. "I always knew he'd go to bat for the other team sooner or later."

Goku blinked and tried to clear his head, as did the rest of the befuddled audience. "Vegeta, did you really just break up with Bulma?"

Vegeta nodded his head yes. "Don't feel guilty, Kakarot, it's for the best." He grasped Goku's hand and stared up earnestly into his eyes.

"Kakarot, I want to be with you. I-I know we've had a tumultuous past, and I've hurt you greatly. You probably have every right to turn me away in disgust, but I know you've always forgiven my past. So please, give me a chance now. We'll be good together, I know we will."

Goku listened with rapt attention, but in the background Chichi was outraged.

"What do you think you're doing, you homewrecking little psychopath?! That's my husband! Just because you failed with Bulma, don't go trying to ruin our relationship-"

"Oh, put a sock in it, woman! You know full well you wish you could be with that ranger fellow of yours, so just pipe down. Let Kakarot go and we can all be happier."

She clapped her hands over her mouth in horror. "How did you know about him?!"

"You and Kakarot are two of the most poorly matched people I've ever seen. Admit your mistake and move on." He turned back to Goku, who was still studying him intently, a faint pink blush spreading over his face.

"I'm sorry it's so sudden. I had no choice. It's fate, Kakarotto, please... say you'll have me and I'll be happier than I've ever been in my life."

"Vegeta..." Goku reluctantly broke the gaze to look back at his wife and friend. "Chichi, Bulma, do you really love other people?" Embarrassed silence spoke volumes.

He turned to his son, who looked as if he'd just been hit with a fish. The eye contact startled him out of his shellshock. "Gohan?"

"Um... well... Well, I can't say I especially like the idea, but I want you guys to be happy... even if it's not with each other, I guess." Deep down Gohan knew his parents didn't have much of a relationship, and always suspected a break-up might happen someday, but why in HFIL did they have to do this in front of his new girlfriend?!

Goku looked over at the two boys standing in the doorway, clutching fistfuls of new toys. Goten just shrugged and grinned, not really understanding what was going on, but Trunks frowned in worry.

"Dad, you're dumping Mom?"

Vegeta scowled. "It's not a 'dumping,' it's a mutual break-up."

"Are you going to leave?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'll still be here all the time." He grinned evilly at Bulma. "Why, your mother even offered me a small capsule house to set up on the grounds, in exchange for the best super-saiyan security services in the world, ne?"

Bulma gawked. "Oh, I said that, did I? Uf! Whatever. I guess it wouldn't matter, and it'll make Trunks happy."

"We're not going anywhere, brat. The relationship is just changing. In fact, you'll like it even better: If I get together with Kakarot, he'll instant transmission your little friend over here every day, and you and Goten will be brothers."

Their faces lit up. "Brothers? Oh, wow!" They shook little fists in joy and did a happy dance.

Then Trunks eyes suddenly grew even more huge and sparkly. "That means Gohan will be my big brother, too! Oh, I've always wanted a big brother!" He ran and leapt onto Gohan's chest, hugging vigorously, and Goten mimicked and glomped his brother's leg.

"Niisan! You're my new niisan, Gohan, isn't that awesome?"

"Uh, s-sure!"

Goku's expression softened as he watched them.

"You see? Everything will work out. Kakarot... say yes, please. Say you'll come with me, say you'll be mine." I don't want to end up a drooling, lonely vegetable 900 years from now!

Locked eyes searched each other's soul. The two shared an intense moment- till Goku broke into a huge grin and shrugged one shoulder. "Okay!"

Vegeta fell over. As if it had been so easy! He recovered quickly and leapt back up, and jumped on Goku the same as Trunks had done with Gohan. He kissed him long and hard, not caring how he looked or what the others thought. The two shared a warm, almost bashful gaze when they pulled back.

"I- I never dreamed that this would ever happen, Geta."

 "Me neither." Vegeta smiled, and a sudden wild excitement swelled in his heart. He hopped down from his perch on Goku, grabbed his hand, and began dragging him toward the door with manic energy.

"Come on, we're going to see Dende."

"D-Dende? What for?"

"So he can give us some Christmas tail."

He threw open the front door and snow two feet deep spilled inside. Vegeta ignored it and charged out into the drifts, plowing a great furrow in the thick white cover.

"You know what? I think I like this holiday," he yelled back at Goku, bursting into song. "Hark the Herald angels sing, glory to the newborn King!!!"

The group watched them ascend and disappear into the blue sky.

"So," Krillan spoke up, holding Marron on one hip and baby Bura on the other. "Joy to the world, I guess. Who wants egg nog?"

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Epilogue

Christmas, 900 years in the future:

Time defeats even those too tough to die. Vegeta eventually grew very old like anybody else. His teeth and hair fell out, and his body grew weak. But this time, he didn't even mind all that much, because sitting at his side...

"Eeek! Gran'papa Goku, stop it!"

Was another toothless old codger just like him. The warrior's once sturdy frame had grown frail and his teeth and hair had fallen out as well. Only a few tufts remaining of the wayward spikes still jutted every which way. Years of binge eating had finally caught up with him, and he now sported quite the pot belly.

Dressed in simple black hooded monk's robes, they sat in the busy living room of one of Goten's descendants, causing trouble as they watched the holiday preparations. They now spent their days giving lessons to aspiring fighters and tormenting the rest of their offspring the best they could.

"Gran'pa Goku, you're just an old pervert!"

Vegeta's fancy young great-great-great (and so on) grandson Tong turned on his heel in a huff and stomped off after his goosing. Roshi's bad influence had kicked in at last.

The two snickered and elbowed each other, ignoring the admonishments of relatives.

"Well, he shakes that butt around in those tight pants- what does he expect?" Goku said.

"Eh-heh-heh. Kakarot, you old fart."

"Speaking of which- pull my finger."

"Argh, no way!"

Goku laughed until he ran out of breath. "You know, I think that grandson of yours is 'one of us,' Vegeta," Goku said, meaning he was gay.

"Pheh! The hell he is. We were never that prissy."

Goku snagged the arm of one of his great-granddaughters, who was passing by carrying a tray of sweets.

"Ooh, custards!" He grabbed one before she could protest.

"Now just one, gran'papa. You know those aren't good for you." He only stuck out a custard-covered tongue and pulled down his eyelid at her.

Vegeta gave a sly look at the little girl hiding behind her mother's skirts. She smiled at him, hid, then peeked out and smiled again.

"Hey. Hey, Gobie, watch this." He detached his dentures with his tongue and waggled them at her. She squealed in glee and ran off into the kitchen where a knot of other children were giggling madly.

"Gran'pa Vegeta, stop that! It's disgusting, and you're scaring the kids."

"'Scare,' nothing. They love it. Hey, woman, this is going to be my last year with you kids. I'd better get a spectacular funeral fit for a prince! I'll haunt you forever if I don't."

"Me too!" Goku concurred.

"Oh, gran'pa, you say the same thing every year. You'll be going strong for many years to come."

They snickered again as the woman strutted off, but after the laughter ran out, Vegeta grew unusually solemn.

"This time I mean it. You can feel it too, can't you? I won't last much longer than another year."

"Yes," Goku said quietly. "And I'll follow you."

"Heh. I can't wait to have your ass again." Goku jabbed him in the ribs for that. "I can barely remember your 'handsome' face, though. These past two hundred years you haven't exactly been easy on the eyes."

"Hmph! Likewise, Vegeta. You think the gods will remember our wish to have our young bodies restored to us after death? We made it such a long time ago."

"They'd better remember! King Kai wants us to fight in his tournaments anyway, he'd never forget."

"Mmm." They sat in silence for a while, watching the family prepare the holiday dinner. Two withered hands joined.

"It's been a wonderful life, hasn't it, Vegeta?"

He nodded.

"I'll miss them, but I look forward to seeing Gohan and Goten and the rest again on the other side."

Another pause. "Hey, Vegeta?"

"Hmm?"

"After all this time, aren't you ever going to tell me what you dreamed that night before you asked me to be yours?"

"Nope. And I won't tell you in the next realm or any realm after that. I've told you time and time again," he said, secretly fingering a bundle of threads that had once been some very ugly underwear.

"It was a Christmas miracle."

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The End

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A/N: Well, there it is, my Christmas gift to you! In the spirit of giving, please leave a review in the box. ;) Won't even cost you anything, just a minute of your time. And for those of you reading this after the holidays, remember that the joy of giving should last all year long, heh!

Thank you, thank you so much, everyone who found the time to read and review during the busy pre-Christmas week, and I thank in advance those who will hopefully review after Xmas.

Special thanks to Gutterball, Ginia, and Debbiechan at Saiyan Secrets,

And to Chichi Slaughterhouse, Suisheu, Majin Bulgeta, Moonlight-6056, Lordofthepies, Lady Frightmare, Hikari Heijin, Azure Ocelot, and Minka at FanFiction.net for reviewing!

Now, as a bonus, the entire cast is going to sing a carol for you. Come on, everybody, we're going to sing the politically correct Christmas song! Guys, form a line.

(All trudge into position, wearing big poofy coats and scarves)

Vegeta: (frowning as he looks at his sheet music) Where did you find this song, woman?

Orchideater: That's "Merry Christmas, if That's Okay," a song the readers won't hear anywhere else. It's an original Christmas song from my super ultra all-time favorite show, Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Goku (teary-eyed): You mean we're not your favorite show?

OE: Ohh, I'm sorry, honey, but that dubious honor goes to MST3K. But I love you all very much! I've never written fanfiction for anybody else.

(Goku brightens up)

OE: Okay, music! (Music starts) And no lip syncing, Vegeta!

Vegeta: Damn, she's on to me.

Lyrics (Sung like a church hymn):

"Let us all now sing our praises to the Lord today
Although you may not share our belief system
Which is perfectly okay

Maybe you worship an abstract being that is kind of vague
Or maybe you just worship a guy whose name is Craig

Perhaps your religion doesn't include a time called 'Lent'
But whatever your religion is, we support you 100 percent.

So sit around the fire
And have a chestnut roast
Or raise a glass in toast

To Happy Day's Donnie Most!

But if you prefer to eat Indian food on Christmas Day
I can only shrug my shoulders and say "Namaste"

Namaste!

Personally I prefer
Turkey, gravy and salad
But let's never forget

All cultures are valid!

So let's have peace on earth and cut out all the bull.
Let's have a holiday season that's multi-cultural.

If there's one point we'd like to make
With this festive holiday song

It's that Christmas comes
Just once a year
So for a few days
For crying out loud

Can we all just get along?!"

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Goku (sniffs): That was beautiful.

Vegeta: If by "beautiful," you meant "bizarre," then yes.

Goten (tugs on his father's pantleg): Can I say my line now, Dad?

Goku: Sure kid, you're just in time. (Hoists him on his shoulder.)

Goten: (rings a little bell) God bless us, everyone!

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A Very Merry Christmas to you all