Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Why Father? ❯ Conflicting Emotions ( Chapter 1 )

AUTHOR'S NOTE: My second fic here. All of you who have read Lost know I like to write stuff with dark themes, so this won't be anything really new. I been wanting to this for a while, and have just now found the time to actually get on the computer for my fics. This is kinda depressing and contains some dark themes. Some things that also might be classified as Goku bashing, but I won't go too far. I'm a Goku fan, as well as a fan of all the other saiyan males. ::starts to drool uncontrollably as a mental picture of Vegeta and Goku comes to mind:: My mind is wandering off here, so on to the fic!!

Disclaimer: I don't own DragonBallZ or any of its characters.

"Why Father?"

Tepid, taut air strung my body over the landscape as my obsidian orbs fixated themselves on a desolate sepulcher. Ink pools flashing and glittering lifelessly, as their vision blurred with unshed tears. Yet, gratefully stolen and tossed aside they vanished, cleansing the heavy betrayal that had only moments ago grasped my cold heart mercilessly. Exiling any apprehensions, a pleasant bitter chill washed over my body; it's overwhelming essence pleasing every cell with a rendition of stolidity.

Despite my apparent flawless facade, a morose frown alit my lips as my heart prevailed over my mind's bitter intention. Yet this was its only marking of claimed territory as my mind fed from the endless abyss of darkness that was slowly intertwining itself into my very being.

How I managed to even bear this mocking ceremony, with its pretenses and deceptive simulation of sympathy. Rivers of tears clinging to morsels of a bittersweet resolve that not one person present had the right to justify as compensation for another's pain. Through this a barren tomb swelled from the earth and glared defiantly straight through to my soul.

Uncontrollable crystalline droplets that possess the last shards of my pride. These endangered my existence and tittered on the edge of my vision. Yet pain would be my salvation with a profuse nip at my sensitive cheek.

I can't lose my composure…not infront of them at least. Watching my mother walk up to the belligerent stone that had ignited the internal turmoil inside all of our hearts, I observed her weak frame tremble violently with adamant sadness. She held onto Videl tightly, almost to the point of total dependence. This display, yet another valuable testament that advocates my overwhelming anger of you. And yet, through this her face remains vacant of emotion. Why she wishes to hide her emotions is lost on me. Does she still desire to be strong for her two sons? Does she honestly believe that contradicting her heart will bring any bit of comfort to either of us?! However, she does not deserve my seething anger, that can only be granted to you.

You are probably watching everyone from the hydra's cozy den. You know they all wanted to pay their respects to you, but for some unknown reason my feet stay rooted to the ground. Maybe I wish to merely mock them and their grief, yet wouldn't my actions pierce you the most? That coffin that lays above that defining whole contains all my happiness and all my frustration. Yet you wouldn't care about that would you?

The wind ruffles the thick black suit that is wrapped tightly around my body, and I thank the cool temperature. To tear my mind from my conflicting discomfort, I watch them begin to move again. One by one, like lamb to be slaughtered, they make their way up to the tomb, dropping roses or personal tokens inside. Tears glisten on their faces, their grief transforming and growing as they pass. Why must the last strands that ensure closure be the easiest to break? Yet I still will not allow my composure to fall as I watch them grieve. I have endured too many years of false hope to have such a display touch my heart. Thus, here I stand emotionless by a gnarled tree, its uncharacteristic appearance blending in perfectly with my tainted soul. After all isn't hate, loathe, and abhorrence a sin that drowns one within its own Hell.

Gohan and Vegeta lower the casket down, their strained expressions confusing me utterly. What may lie inside that vacant crate, except a few flowers and meaningless paraphernalia? Yet, I secretly know what strains them to the point of exhaustion. The world's weight. Lifted and given so graciously to those who regard you so fondly in their memory. This coffin shall serve in my memory as a desolate tomb. Of no consequence shall it bear over me, but will remind me of that pilfering serpent that robbed us of our last ounce of closure.

Gohan's piercing eyes find me and he frowns disapprovingly. He objects to my aloof behavior, but any consideration of this has slipped from me entirely. He doesn't understand…none of them do…..This fallacy they are willing to drown themselves in….

I watched the dirt pile and mount the earth till the cavity is brimming with mahogany soil. They stand motionless, their heads bowed in complete and utter respect. Then slowly they turn and begin to walk away heedlessly. What's to gain from fleeing this place? Yet one person manages to pause, my mother. She stops infront of me and casts her desolate eyes upon my face; they were pleading with me to grant my respects and leave before I bestow more shame upon you. Nevertheless, I plant my feet firmly on the ground. I'm not ready to leave or grant this false hero my regards, not just yet. I simply turn away from her, knowing that my silent answer was received and I hear her sigh as she moves away…..

~*~*~*~*~

The guardian angel

that protects us all…

You are the one

that I look up to most…

~*~*~*~*~

Alone now, I watch the leaves gyrate around my body. The once gentle wind, churning and gusting as a loud howl breaks over the area. It takes every ounce of strength as I forcibly tear my feet from the ground. Walking up to the broken earth, I observe silently as the crumbles of loam shift and sift themselves into the air. Maybe if I could carelessly follow without will, then maybe this wouldn't be to difficult. Then again we never have that choice do we?

Pain begins to well up in my heart and I allow my knees to buckle beneath me. Falling obediently before this stone, this one action ripping my heart to pieces. Scathing streams begin to sear my cheeks as I clench my fists tightly by my sides, crushing the thickening soil between callused fingers.

How could you have left? The only question that I fear possesses no answer.

Thin crimson streams stain my hand, the piercing needles causing me to loosen my grip. A creamy hue spreads over my fingers as the pallid color flees with my hold. Life's bitter nectar stains once unsullied leaflets and a smile lifts my lips pleasantly. Maybe pain and anger are the only emotions I can allow myself to feel for you. However, the pain, the excessive agony that constrains my body is overwhelming! Why doesn't it go away? Lowering my head, I stare helplessly at the fresh earth that had been piled underneath me.

Why?!? I pound my fist against the ground, my anger and frustration finally beginning to pour out from the dark abyss in my heart. Why do I allow these emotions to control me?! Will fueling my anger allow the pain to stop? Will this agony that I feel every time I recall your face ever end? My mind runs rampant, scathing remarks and thoughts blistering my soul. Yet my silence is never broken…

How could you?!? How could you leave us all alone?!? How can you do this again and again?!? Do you have no heart? No soul? So many speak so fondly of you…your compassion, your power, and ever amiable spirit. Gohan once proclaimed you to even be an angel. An angel that will forever watch over us and is there when times grow grim. Through his scholarly achievements and brilliant mind, I have deduced that he knows nothing of an angel's definition! A heavenly spirit that guards and protects pure souls of innocence and happiness. How could a seraph such as yourself ever become accepted in heaven? A spirit, who's ignorance knows no bounds! Yet maybe I have tainted myself with too much hatred and no longer is regarded as an innocence.

Yet, once again I find myself creating excuses for your mistakes. Your constant absences and disappearances! You left and never gave a backward glance to your loving family! Your instinct to fight and train, drowning your mind and soaking up every minute of every day! Proving beyond doubt that you are oblivious of the pain you cause.

Uubu…. You train HIM everyday of every year. Your presumed one true challenger and only companion throughout the endless days. Sometimes, I wonder if HE is more of son than me. What qualities do you desire? What do you want me to be?

Do you even know what it was like? Do you know how mom's sobs wrench at my heart? Cries that reflected the desolation and sorrow that has engulfed her life ever since you left…They become muffled against her pillow, but don't worry! My inherited saiyan hearing allows me to hear them all too clearly!

~*~*~*~*~

Brother told me you'd always be there

that you would never leave, not again…

Yet, you find your passion

more important than your own family…

~*~*~*~*~

Time. An elaborate concept where details fall within the concept of schedules and order. Minutes, hours days….weeks, months and whole years….How many times did you leave for days on end? Have you ever stopped to count them? These moments may seem like mere specks in your life, moments that can be provided and made up for later. Yet, nothing can make up for an eternity of expectation.

Radditz, Frieza, the androids, Cell and Buu….they have all threatened to take you away from us and I fear that they have succeeded with every one of their attempts. You died by their hands at times and we mourned and grieved when you wished to stay within your newly found home. Yet, why did you come back? Why? Sure, those first 8 years you stayed home. You played and spared, never giving a thought to anyone besides your family. Yet that one day when you met Uubu, everything shattered. You never appeared except to spar and eat and those times had turned into rare occasions. You train for days on end, sometimes I wonder if you and Vegeta had switched places. You spent all your time training him, but never do you come around and ask me to spar with you. What happened? Did you forget that you have a family of your own. That you already have sons who care about you? The earth needs you, yes…but we need you too…

~*~*~*~*~

You trained me and taught me

everything you knew…

You helped me grow

for those few precious years…

~*~*~*~*~

Mom taught me the basics of fighting and Gohan helped in sharpening my skills. Those first seven years…I didn't know you. I never missed you. Not one bit, but wait, I'm lying now. But this doesn't seem to bother me as much as it should.

No one mentioned you and my curiosity didn't catch up till I was four. Not once before then did I see a picture with your face; I believe mother hid them from me. How I wish I had never seen them! How I wish I had never met you! Maybe then, my heart wouldn't hurt as much as it does now. Tell me, how could you forget all those special occasions? The special occasions that a father should remember…

---FLASHBACK---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR GOTEN!! HAPPY BIRTHADY TO YOU!!"

I leaned over the small wooden table and gently blew out the flickering candles. If I blew too hard the cake would end up flying into mom's face. Providing a comedic moment, yet with the anger I would have to deal with afterwards….it isn't worth the trouble. I smile as grandpa holds up the camera and find myself blinded by the bright flash that appears. Gazing about the cheerful faces, I search endlessly for the one person I wanted to be here the most. Where is he?

I turn to the sound of mom shouting out my name and find a piece of cake shoved infront of my face. Taking it, I mumble a quick thanks and settled back into my seat…Where was he?

Eating cake….opening presents….sparing….everything seemed to go by so fast and soon all the events of the night are a blur of images that my mind can't sort through yet. I find myself now resting my head on the table, my eyes half-closed with my entire face set into a disgruntled expression. Mom is doing the dishes and Gohan has just left. They had been the last one's to leave, so now there was only mom and me. Bulma had given me the motorcycle I had been eyeing for a while, though mom forbids me to drive it till I'm eighteen or twenty-one. She said she couldn't decide. Yet I find myself caring little for it….he still isn't here….

How could a father forget his own son's birthday?

My head shoots up suddenly and a wide grin spreads across my face. His ki! He's coming! Jumping from my seat, I sprint out the door. Waiting near the doorway, I sense mom walking up behind me. It felt childish for a sixteen year old to be waiting outside for his father, but I find that my body will not budge. I can see him now, a small dot on the horizon that is beginning to become more visible by the second. He flies down and lands infront of me. The all too familiar goofy grin has taken over his features and I watch silently as my mother stalks up to him. He pales and begins to retreat but finds himself cornered.

"Goku! Where have you been?" She asks, anger apparent in her sharp tone.

"Sorry Chi," He scratches the back of his head in typical style, "I've been training Ubuu all day…"

What gave that away?

"…and I guess I just lost track of time."

Mom backs away and writhes her hands into the small towel that before hung motionlessly in her hands, "Alright then. Come inside."

She made her hasty exit, figuring we would probably have a father and son chat, considering it was my birthday and all. Yet he simply smiles and places a hand on my shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze. I wait for him to say something…anything, but he just lets go and walks inside.

--END OF FLASHBACK-

When Trunks came over the next morning, he asked about the new motorcycle and that's when you finally remembered. You had apologized as you have so many times before, saying that with all your training that it had slipped from your mind. But then again, that simple excuse wouldn't cure my newly found resentment.

~*~*~*~*~

Yet its not enough…

you had to leave again

and I realize finally

that I never knew thee

~*~*~*~*~

To sacrifice yourself for our survival and to do so once again so that the world wouldn't be destroyed. Your endless barrage of endless excuses….will they ever end? Now you are to live for eternity and be with the dragon. An immortal life that you never desired, yet it becomes your fate in the end.

Why do the gods wish to play their meaningless games of fate with you as their pawn? Why? WHY!?!?

We all possess immeasurable strength, and yet it seems that your high position on the pedestal of life shall never be surpassed or filled. Vegeta, he possess the lowly status of your inferior colleague. Yet, his power greatly surpasses my own. Gohan, the prodigal son, he wasn't even enough now was he. No matter how hard we push ourselves to become more, they always seem to choose you…That fact alone bores itself deep within my mind every night, providing never-ending bouts of insomnia. The spur of unanswered questions seeming to create perpetual bouts of confusion as well.

Your sudden disappearance has also made everyone become mute and numb. They no longer seem to have any will or spirit within themselves. Albeit, I don't understand why they act this way. This has happened before, but maybe this is first time they have allowed reality to finally set in.

Mom refuses to eat and she spends every night crying till the point of utter exhaustion. I hate to admit it, but she scares me now….and yet it isn't the same terror that comes from doing something wrong. It's stronger and never leaves, but grows till I feel I can no longer breathe.

She usually has a placid demeanor and puts on a cheerful face, but now she doesn't even try and I can see that she is dying inside. You have crushed her heart too many times and I think this time her sheer will won't put the pieces back together. That desolate look she possesses will forever remain….

Then again she may reclaim her facade, her acting skills once again taking up her entire life. However, I'll always be able to see through this act, this deception. Would you believe that two weeks ago, I was planning to move out at the end of the school year? Yet, with the present situation…I am not so sure anymore. I can't have her living there all by herself. I know grandfather would be more than willing to move in, but I can't bring myself to ask him.

I have become conceited and fear that I have shunned her into this depressing nook that she has crawled into since you left. If only this had never happened, if only you never came back. Mom was at least happy before the tournament. Before your grand reentrance into our lives. Of course, she would have her moments…on your wedding anniversary and birthdays, but that was that and she would be cheerful for the rest of the year. Then you came and she was an emotional wreck. Worried about what you would say or do, every action was scrutinized and adored. Yet love can only withstand so much and I think your naïve demeanor has allowed you to overlook this one flaw in your decision.

~*~*~*~*~

Yes, you are my father

that I cannot deny

Yet why be a father,

if you are never

with your children?

~*~*~*~*~

Denial, you may think, has become my best friend throughout the years. Yet I know lying to you about my elation when you were with us would be impossible. I loved every minute, but hopefully you know that already. Those years seemed completely surreal, now that I recall them to myself. Finally, I had a family that was complete and whole. Nothing was missing and my envy for Trunks soon faded into nothingness. My father was back and here to stay, yet how could I have thought up such a foolish thing. You neither belonged to me nor any one else. You belonged to the world, and to lock you up in your home would be inhumane, right? You never regard your saiyan heritage as Vegeta does, yet you fight and train just as much. An eternal oxymoron, isn't it? You never stopped to relax at home, in fact I have never seen you simply sit on the couch or at the table longer than was necessary. Off and about and for the eight years after Buu, I was happy because you would spend time with us. Training me and sparing with Gohan, getting us out of the house so mom and you could have a few nights alone. You were part of the family and placed us higher in your heart than anything else in the world. Yet, how can such happiness last forever…..truthfully it never can….all I had to do was wait for reality to come crashing down on top of me…

~*~*~*~*~

How could you desert…

What you're suppose to hold the tightest?

How did we escape that big heart

that so many speak of so fondly?

~*~*~*~*~

When it happened, I couldn't believe it. I asked Trunks and Pan, wondering if my hearing was playing tricks on me. Yet, there it was plain and simple in my mind and in their faces. You were gone, forever and there was no possible hope of you ever coming back. How I wanted to scream and yell into your face. Fight you till you would explain what could have possessed you to make such a decision.

Tempted I was…

I may not hold the mirror like image that I held as a child, but mother tells me I still look exactly like you. Another testament that angers me every day. How she would cry by the very site of me, the sorrow that plagued everyone who saw me…

I was tempted…

There are marks on my wrist…silver streaks that display my animosity and desire to rid myself of this life. Yet, as the coward I am, never did the cuts reach that artery that pulsates rhythmically with my heart. I bled, yes, but it would stop after a couple of minutes. Any evidence of the event could be washed away and this comforted me a bit. I still keep the sharp blade by me; I find the temptation sometimes, too irresistible. Yet, the horrified look on mother's face yesterday has made me resist its power that commands me to lacerate my skin. Never did I expect her to do laundry, not in the emotional state she has been in and when she saw the blood…the earsplitting scream that erupted from the house had terrified me. The badgering about the stained comforter and sheets….and, oh Dende, those forsaken eyes that expressed that her last real hope of life had almost fell from her grasp. I never want her to experience such pain again, but yet sometimes I press the blade against my skin. It's cool feeling satisfies my morbid desires and hopefully it always will.

~*~*~*~*~

Tell me how this happened.

How? Oh dear Dende, please!

Allow him to speak…

Allow him to tell me…

~*~*~*~*~

I run my hands over the smooth marker and smile as your grinning face comes to mind. I could scorn and curse you in my thoughts, but never could I truly hate you. This sole factor has kept my heart pure. You left, but that was expected and I find an odd sense of peace that the time has finally passed and I am no longer held within my fearful apprehension. Every time we hoped that circumstances would arise and force you to return. We hated to be elated by the destruction that would be caused, but could you blame us for it?

You don't have to worry…mother will not lose me, I have made a silent vow to keep it that way. Gohan doesn't know, neither does Trunks…no one knows how I truly feel. I just place the same goofy expression as you had and I am forgiven or left alone. Maybe you used it too, maybe you felt the same. To escape questions or curious eyes that threatened you to reveal your true self. Sadly I don't know this and by consequence I didn't know you. Though I wish I did, but the hope of it has died with your abrupt disappearance.

Standing up I place my right hand over the top of his marker and gently laid my one token onto it. Pushing my hands into my coat pockets, I step back and smirk at my contradicting behavior. Maybe the pain will go away….

The wind was beginning to pick up again and the roar of thunder that rolled from the distance promised me that rain was soon to come. I'm ready to leave now. Turning on my heel I retreat from the tomb that had so ferociously attacked me when I had first arrived. Maybe it will go away in time…

Goodbye father…

~*~*~*~*~

Father, do you love me?

~*~*~*~*~

A lone white rose laid against the top of a jutting tablet; its petals stained with crimson streaks. It fluttered softly in the wind, holding an innocent appearance if it were not for its stark streaks. A low whistle fall over the landscape, its melody pitching it swiftly into the air. Yet, fate would smile fondly upon this humble bud. A quick snap of the wrist and it found itself once again resting within a large palm. It's newly found owner, peered at it curiously as his forehead creased with deep contemplation. Closing his eyes, he let his arm fall carelessly to his side. A low grunt escaped his lips as he clenched the stem within his palm. Liberating fresh crimson nectar, he watched closely as it flowed over the dried sanguine fluid that had previously stained its petals.

He had completed their bond, sealing it with the manners of his ancestry's. Crouching near the ground, he dug his hands into the still soft soil.

I do understand….

He gingerly placed the stem of the rose in the small hole and covered it quickly, finishing it with a pat of his large palm.

And I won't worry….

He sighed quietly to himself as he brushed the dirt from his palms. Yet he found himself extending his hand over the stained rose once again. Allowing himself to only briefly stroke its petals with his fingertips before his body completely faded from beside the grave.

Goodbye Goten…..

Goodbye my son….

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What did you guys think, huh? You know who the guy in the end is right? I have never seen DragonBallGT, so if I stated something incorrectly, please don't flame me about it. The poem is mine, just incase your wondering...anyway, I hoped you liked it! PLEASE REVIEW! JA NE!