Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Wish For The Past ❯ Cookies and Potties ( Chapter 60 )

Bardock: *sweatdrops* Brenda can't say the disclaimer because she's been talking so much lately that her mouth dried out. Good thing, too. If she tried to do the disclaimer now, we'd probably all be stuck here forever! All in favor of shutting Brenda up so we can get on with this story?

*hands shoot into the air like weeds after a spring rain in Texas*

Bardock: Any opposed?

*crickets chirp*

Bardock: *smirks* Thought so. *calmly gags Brenda before she can start speaking again* For any lawyers who might be out there, Brenda doesn't own DBZ.

Brenda: *glares at Bardock*

A short time ago...

Knowing exactly how much his father would have to cook in order to feed six hungry Saiyans, Radditz figured that he had plenty of time to get home before lunch would be ready. Since he was in no hurry, the wild maned teenager dropped out of the sky and landed in the forest, deciding to walk the rest of the way instead of flying. After all, he was on a brand new world, surrounded by foreign flora and fauna, and he couldn't deny a small itch of curiosity, the desire to look around and take in the details of this strange planet.

As he ambled through the lush forest growth, eyes drinking in ever aspect of the plants and animals he happened to see, his sensitive Saiyan nose caught the scent of water in the air, making him realize just how thirsty he was. The training session with Goku, while not exactly taxing on his strength, had still been enough to dehydrate his body somewhat. Radditz angled the invisible path he walked in the direction where he smelled the water and soon found himself by a lake with crystal clear water, sparkling merrily in the near-noon sunlight.

Kneeling at the edge of the lake, he cupped his hands and scooped up some water, slaking his thirst with several handfuls of the cold liquid. That done, he was about to stand up and continue on his way, when movement in the water caught his eye. There, swimming lazily through the blue green depths of the lake, was a fish that was at least as tall as Radditz was, and almost as big around. The sight of the creature brought back pleasant memories of the fish breakfast he'd had just that morning, and a grumbling in his stomach told him just how long ago that had been.

"I could use a small snack," he murmured to himself, eyeing the fish hungrily. "After all, lunch probably won't be ready just yet, and father won't let me eat until everyone gets home... including that damn female!" Thinking back to the ill fated shopping trip he had participated in, Radditz couldn't help but wonder if Bulma would make it home in time for dinner, let alone lunch! Who knew how long he'd have to wait before she either showed up or Bardock gave in and let them eat with out her? "I think I'll just catch a fish or two to tide me over until it's time to eat."

Having made his choice, the fifteen year old boy stripped off his clothes and dove into the water, grinning predatorily as he began to stalk the silver scaled denizens of the lake. His mind completely on the enjoyable task at hand, he never even noticed when three kis suddenly dropped, until each was about the level one would expect if the owner had fallen asleep. If they had disappeared completely, Radditz might have noticed, but as it was, the only thing that had his attention was the flash of quicksilver flickering at the edge of his sight.

In the aftermath of the assault, silence reigned for all of two seconds before Pilaf whooped loudly and did a little victory dance. "Nyahahaha!! I wo-on! I won I won I wo-on!! Those imbeciles never had a chance! I am the great Emperor Pilaf and soon the whole world will bow before m-ooooff!!" His celebration was abruptly cut short as the blue midget tripped on the hem of his robe and fell flat on his face. Scrambling to his feet, he glared at his two companions as though daring either of them to laugh or make a comment on the incident, then straightened his cap before sitting back in his chair. "Agent Mai, you will be more careful when flying this plane!" he ordered snootily. "It was your bad flying that made me fall! Do it again and I'll throw you in a pool of piranhas!"

"Yes, sire," Mai replied with an inaudible snort. She knew very well that it wasn't her piloting that had caused Pilaf's embarrassing accident, but chose not to say anything. Years of service to the childish gremlin had gotten her well used to his antics and so she merely humored him and went on with the task of setting the air craft down in the clearing next to the capsule house.

As soon as the plane had settled into the grassy clearing, Pilaf popped the hatch open and bounded out of the ship, eagerly looking forward to claiming three more dragonballs. That would put them at a total of four of the wish granting spheres, with only three left and apparently no other competition for them. Whoever was in this house seemed to have been the only other people out there collecting the orange balls, so with them out of the picture, it would be child's play to gather the last three balls and make his wish!

"Mai, Shao, you two will come with me and look for the dragonballs," he commanded, immediately making his way for the door to the house. "If we find anyone inside, we will take them prisoner. I want to know how they found the three that they have, and then they will be punished for trying to take my wish from me!" Cackling with glee, he barely waited for his two underlings to catch up to him before waltzing into the house, completely confident that no threat resided therein after what the Thing had done to it and the surrounding area.

With his two agents trailing behind him, the pointy eared gremlin entered the cozy living room and examining the place disdainfully, looking to see if the dragonballs were immediately visible. When this cursory search failed to bring the desired results, he wheeled around and glared at his two stooges. "Those dragonballs could be anywhere! I want you both to search this house from top to bottom and find me those dragonballs!" Thinking he perceived hesitation from the woman and dog-man, Pilaf screeched, "NOW!!!"

Nearly jumping out of their skins, Mai and Shao saluted their emperor and uttered a hasty "yes, sire!" before attacking the room with frantic fervor, tearing the place apart in their efforts to locate the coveted magical balls. Pulling off couch cushions, upending drawers, peering into jars, and in general looking anywhere that the dragonballs might possibly be hidden, it wasn't long before the two henchmen - well, henchman and henchwoman - had turned the living room into a disaster area, and they still weren't done! Pilaf seated himself on one of the discarded couch cushions, which, coincidentally, was just the right height off the floor to make the perfect chair for his stunted body, and watched the chaos with a look of boredom on his face and his finger up his nose.

After only a few minutes of this, the vertically challenged emperor grumbled impatiently and hopped off his make-shift chair, wiping the snot excavated from his nose on the top of the cushion before ambling casually out of the room. He had no fear of stumbling across any of the house's inhabitants. The Thing that had been used on the capsule house generated a pulse of electricity that was designed to short circuit the target's electronic equipment, but also had the added bonus of completely overloading the nervous system of any living creature within the blast radius, thus effectively knocking them unconscious for several hours. Or at least that was what the catalogue, Terrorists 'R' Us, had said, which was where Pilaf ordered all his tools of terror and mass destruction from.

The first door he opened was a disappointment, containing only coats and gloves that didn't appear to have been used in months. Pilaf closed the door with a grumble, deciding to let Mai and Shao examine the contents more closely later in their search for the dragonballs. That was what he'd hired them for, after all, beyond simply to have someone to boss around. The next door, situated right next to the closet, was similarly a waste of his precious time, as it contained all the heating, cooling, and air circulation equipment that ran the capsule house. In fact, unless the owners of this house had somehow managed to cram the dragonballs inside the machinery, there wasn't any place to hide one dragonball, let alone three. Mai and Shao would probably search the rest of the house first, and only check inside the machines as a last resort if they didn't find the dragonballs elsewhere.

Across the hall from the two closets was another door that, once Pilaf opened it, revealed an empty bedroom with clothing strewn all over the floor and furniture, rumpled bed sheets hanging half off the mattress. In short, it looked like a typical teenager's bedroom. Pilaf wrinkled his nose in disgust and closed the door. He had no interest in risking his life entering that disaster zone!

The next two rooms, one on either side of the hall, were also bedrooms, although they weren't in nearly so bad a condition as the first one was. Neither had any clues to what their inhabitants were like, other than the fact that both were apparently much neater than the first room's occupant. Seeing nothing of immediate interest in either room, Pilaf continued on down the hall to the next pair of opposing doors.

Immediately upon approaching the two doors, the self proclaimed emperor knew that one of them was different. Wisps of steam floated into the air, leaking from the cracks of the door on the right, making the air feel stickier and heavier, and there was a tiny trickle of water coming from under the door, glistening in the light that filtered through the skylight located directly above him. The door itself was slightly ajar, as though someone had carelessly closed it without making sure that the latch had caught, and now it had slid back open a fraction of an inch. The room beyond was dark, the circuitry that powered the lights having been fried by the Thing, and since there were apparently no windows in the room, Pilaf was unable to see anything inside. From the steam and the trickle of water, though, he guessed that the room must be a bathroom.

"Perfect," Pilaf muttered to himself, a relieved smirk dancing its way across his lips. "I could really use a potty break right about now!" Figuring that if he left the door open there would be enough light to use the bathroom's facilities, and since Mai and Shao would be busy searching the living room and so wouldn't walk in on him, the blue midget pushed the door wide open, intending to scurry in and use the toilet straight away.

The light from the skylight above illuminated the first few feet into the bathroom and cast a faint ambiance on the rest of the room, allowing Pilaf to see where everything was placed. There was the tub - a rather large tub, at that - still full of water as though someone had been about to take a bath, or had just taken one and forgotten to drain the water away - obviously the source of the steam that Pilaf had noted earlier. And there, on the other side of the room, was the emperor's goal: the john, the loo, the porcelain throne - the toilet! With a triumphant cackle of glee and relief, the would-be ruler of the world darted into the darkened bathroom...

... and tripped over the unconscious form of Son Goku, who had been lying in the shadows, unnoticed by Pilaf's cursory glance. Screaming in alarm as he sailed through the air, the pint sized villain's eyes widened in horror when he realized just where he was heading. With a resounding splash, the unfortunate midget landed head first in the miniature lagoon contained in the porcelain bowl of the toilet. Poor Pilaf, his head was just the right size and shape to nestle itself firmly into the curves of the pristine plumbing, and it was to his utter dismay that, when he tried to lift his head free of the watery confines, he found that he was well and truly stuck.

After Pilaf had left the room to go exploring, Mai and Shao had managed to search every likely - and unlikely - place in the living room for the dragonballs and had since moved on to the kitchen. Their eyes had immediately latched upon a highly suspicious looking container and, after glancing briefly at each other, the two had snatched the jar off of the shelf it had been resting on. Without a second thought, they immediately pulled the lid off and began to "search for the dragonballs" that could very well have been hidden inside the earthenware cookie jar. Oh, those dragonballs were tricky things! They could even be hiding inside those delicious little chocolate chip cookies! Therefore, it was up to Mai and Shao to "search" each and every cookie in that jar. It was a big job to do, considering there were just so many cookies, but it was their job to check any and all possible hiding spots in the house for the dragonballs their master desired. So far they hadn't discovered any dragonballs, but the cookies more than made up for the disappointment!

The two lackeys had made it through about half of the cookies when Pilaf's shrill cry of alarm filtered into their ears, alerting them to their emperor's predicament. The raven haired woman and fluffy tailed dog-man seriously contemplated ignoring Pilaf's scream and finish "searching" the cookie jar, but then they both recalled what would happen to them if they were late in aiding their employer. With twin sighs of regret, they stashed their loot in a cabinet and covered it with a dish rag - to prevent anyone from possibly finding it and stealing the dragonballs that might be hidden at the bottom, they justified themselves - then hurried off to help the hapless half-pint.

Not knowing which room Pilaf had encountered misfortune in, Mai and Shao took the time to glance briefly in each room they passed as they traversed the hallway until at last they found the bathroom. Peering through the open door, the first thing that Mai noted was the unmoving body of a black haired child laying face down in a puddle of water, a damp towel draped over part of his head as though the boy had been in the middle of drying his hair when he had been knocked unconscious. The boy was clad only in a pair of loose black pants and nothing else, though Mai could see what appeared to be a green shirt hanging on the towel rack, probably placed there while the kid dried his hair with the towel that had hung in the shirt's place.

A distinctive gurgle, followed by a "glub glub" drew Mai's attention away from studying the unconscious boy and towards the source of the sound, and that was when she finally caught sight of Emperor Pilaf and the rather... er... unfortunate position he was stuck in. The black haired woman gawked incredulously as the midget's chubby blue legs and lower torso - the only parts of him that could be seen - waved frantically in the air... as they emerged from within the toilet.

"Is that..." Shao lifted a paw and pointed it in the toilet's direction, his own mouth slightly agape.

The black-haired woman's eyes widened in a similar manner as she caught sight of her emperor brought so low, for there was Pilaf, the undersized gremlin who wanted to rule the world, face down in a toilet, legs flailing in a manner most un-becoming an emperor. "Oh no! Emperor Pilaf!" she cried out like the dedicated underling she was, rushing forward to grab hold one the emperor's plump little legs as Shao followed her lead and likewise took hold of the other leg.

"Hold on, sire, we'll get you out of there," Shao consoled his ruler, looking to Mai for the signal to start pulling. Another gurgle emerged from the toilet bowl even as human female tightened her grip and nodded to her canine companion.

"On three," she ordered firmly. "One... two... THREE!"

Grunting in unison, the two agents tugged on Pilaf's legs, hauling back like two mules trying to uproot a tree stump. A distressed burbling erupted from the toilet, followed by the sound of sloshing water and a shluuuck-pop! as Pilaf popped out of the potty, a trail of sparkling droplets streaming behind him. Down the trio went in a tumble of arms and legs, the unfortunate emperor dripping toilet water all over his rescuers.

"You bumbling idiots!!" Pilaf screeched furiously as he roughly extricated himself from the tangle of human, dog-man, and gremlin. A vein on his forehead throbbed in time with his angrily beating heart and he glared daggers at Mai and Shao. "I could have died waiting for you two buffoons to rescue me! And what's the big idea of yanking on my legs?! You nearly ripped them out of their sockets!! What are you trying to do, kill m-AAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!" Shrieking in pure terror, the stunted imp darted behind Mai's legs like a frightened child, staring with wide eyes at the lump on the floor that had caused his fall in the first place.

A lump that was shaped like a little human boy wearing black pants and a towel draped over his unruly black hair.

A little boy with a fuzzy brown tail attached to his backside, visible now that his eyes had adjusted to the dim light in the bathroom.

"IT'S THAT MONKEY-BOY WHO WRECKED MY CASTLE!!!"

If there are any discrepancies in my alibi for Radditz (some characters in earlier chapters said he was sleeping, or checking up on lunch, showering, or whatever) just chalk it up to the confusion generated by the recent trauma. I may eventually go back and edit those chapters so the story all fits, but I'm too lazy to do that right now. *grins*