Dragon Knights Fan Fiction ❯ The Dragon Tribe Answering Machine ❯ answeringmachine ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Knights. They belong to Mineko Ohkami.

 

Summary: The Dragon Tribe has an answering machine to help the hectic schedule of the castle. However, the proper usage of it is being severely mishandled, as Alfeegi soons finds out.

 

The Dragon Tribe Answering Machine

 

Alfeegi glowered at the small gadget lying innocently on the Dragon Lord's table in his office. He had been extremely negative about its initiation into the Dragon Tribe right from the start, however as usual, his protests had been run over and ignored. Everyone had been extremely eager at the prospect of having one, caring nothing about how expensive the appliance would be, nor about the cost of packaging and shipping. They had wasted no time finding a model they all had agreed on and so now, here the culprit sat, doing nothing at the moment and yet already greedily sucking the Dragon Tribe's treasury dry at just the fact of being hooked up to the phone line.

 

Alfeegi gave the answering machine one of his infamous Evil Glares of DOOM! If it had not been an inanimate object, it probably would have disintegrated on the spot. As it was, the machine merely rested where it was, the red light signaling stored messages blinking steadily.

 

The White Dragon Officer pursed his lips in a frown. As much as he didn't want to be drawn to the deceptive device along with the rest of his brain-washed colleges, he was curious to hear the first recordings. He was a Dragon of order, and an answering machine would keep meetings and tasks well scheduled. Taking a seat in Lord Lykuleon's soft-cushioned chair behind his desk, Alfeegi pushed the button on the machine to hear the saved messages, then leaned back comfortably and waited.

 

“Good day, you have reached the Dragon Castle. No one is here to take your call, not only because whatever you have to say is insignificant or most probably pointless, but because everyone here besides me is slacking off and lazing around, letting this palace's schedule, which IS important, fall into disarray. I emphasize with your frustration immensely at having no one really care about what you have to say, however you leaving a message will only ensure that the machine wins and that the choice to buy one was a success, which will only boost my fellow tribesmen's egos to an unhealthy level. So please, do me and yourself a favor: hang up and don't ever call back. Thank you and have a nice day!”

 

Beep!

 

Alfeegi smiled proudly at himself for having thought up such a splendid message for people to hear when the answering machine picked up. Everyone had fought for the opening honor, however his mallet was especially revered. In any event, the White Dragon Officer was sure that such a recording would ward off any unwanted calls.

 

“You have eighteen messages,” the answering machine stated in a monotone electrical voice.

 

Alfeegi frowned. This was most unexpected.

 

“First message, beep!”

 

“Hello? Hello? Am I on? Oh, Rasie, I think the answering machine is recording me! Haha! How simply wonderful! I can't wait until I get back from our vacation to hear myself! Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Hahahaha!”

 

Alfeegi felt a storm of sweat breaking out across his forehead and quickly reached out to press a button on the machine.

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

The White Dragon Officer breathed a huge sigh of relief. That kind of message only encouraged other such frivolities and abuse of the device. He would tell Lord Lykuleon that the machine was defective as the reason for his missing message. That should plant the seeds of doubt that perhaps such a gadget was not needed.

 

“Second message, beep!”

 

“Yo, this is just me, Kai-stern, you know, the handsomest Dragon Officer. I'm just calling in to make sure this answering thingamajig works, which I really hope it does, because I wanna irritate Alfeegi. HEY, ARE YOU LISTENING YOU OBSESSED, SCHIZOPHRENIC WORKAHOLIC? I'M ON MY WAY TO A TAVERN WHERE I HEAR THEY'RE OVERLY GENEROUS ON THEIR DRINKS AND I AIM TO SPEND MONEY DEAR OLD RUWALK LOANED ME FROM THE TREASURY TO GET KNEE-WALKING DRUNK! HAHAHAHA! Ahem, oh and by the way, Rath, please do not follow my example unless I am with you. However I do have the locations where several extremely strong demons reside. I shall list the areas out to you-”

 

“Message deleted, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!”

 

Alfeegi took his finger off the delete button which he had held down a bit too long in his anger. He tried to console himself with the fact that no one else would hear the Poor-Excuse-For-A-Dragon-Officer's message. And also with mental images of him whacking in Kai-stern's and Ruwalk's heads with his mallet.

 

“Third message, beep!”

 

“MI! MI! MI! MI! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIII!”

 

The White Dragon Officer's ears were nearly made deaf by the horrific screeching voice.

 

“Kitchel, what the heck do you think you're doing?” Thatz muffled voice could be heard in the background.

 

“DUH! I'm recording myself, lamebrain! See, I got it all figured out. I shall sing a song on the answering machine as it is cheaper than buying my own equipment, break in to the Dragon Lord's office, steal the tape, blame you for the crime, then send it in to Draqueenian Idol and become FAMOUS! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, XX! LALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAA! OH, OH, I AM THE KARAOKE QUEEN! OH, OH, YOU'RE HEARIN' A DREEEE-EEEM-”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

By this point, Alfeegi's nerves were deeply frazzled. Not only was his opening message ineffective, but people were using the answering machine with unappeased vigor, and they weren't even using it properly!

 

He couldn't possibly fathom how the messages could get more insane.

 

“Fourth message, beep!”

 

“Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? PICK UP, IT'S AN EMERGENCY!” Rune's shrill voice shouted from the machine, “OMG! IT'S TERRIBLE! TERRIBLE, I TELL YOU! Me and Rath went down local café in the capitol where they have wireless internet service and we found a website from the Twilight Zone! It has stories about all of us: the Dragon Tribe and Demon Tribe! And these stories are all crazy! They have Alfeegi going insane and being nice, crazy body switching fics, and they somehow KNOW things, like everyone's secret past and whatnot! And they put us in weird relationships like, like-” the elf's voice cracked and sobs could be heard in the background for several seconds, before Rune bounced back with a righteous anger.

 

“THEY HAVE ME PAIRED WITH FREAKIN' NADIL! THE DEMON LORD! WHAT THE HEY? HAS THERE BEEN ANY IMPLICATION OF THAT IN ANY OF OUR PAST RUN-INS? OMG! WHAT IF THERE HAS? WHAT IF HE HAS BEEN HITTING ON ME ALL ALONG? OMG! WHAT IF THESE STORIES ARE TRUE? NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOO-”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

Alfeegi pressed the pause button on the answering machine to take a moment to rub the aching temples in his forehead.

 

And order one of the maids to bring him a bottle of wine.

 

The Dragon Officer had a gut feeling that he would need amazing stamina to hear out the rest of the recordings without giving in to temptation to introduce the machine to his mallet.

 

Once the bottle of wine was safely in his grasp, the man poured himself a large glass and took a long swig before pushing the play button again.

 

“Fifth message, beep!”

 

“HAHAHAHAH! IT IS I, KAI-STERN, DIVINE DRAGON OFFICER! I am calling back because it seems I have gotten lost on my way to the Tavern of Generous Drinks. I am currently in a small cottage I found in my meanderings in the woods. So, anyway, Alfeegi, I was hoping you would forget my previous message, let bygones be bygones and send a Durna escort with some Dragon Fighters to this address: 007 Little Men Cottage, Magical Forest, Dusis. Hmmm, that address reminds me of something…”

 

The sound of a door bursting open in the background could be heard along with several, gruff angry garbling voices.

 

“Oh, yeah!” Kai-stern's voice exclaimed, “This address! I'm in the cottage of the seven dwarves!”

 

The gruff garbling voices became even louder at that.

 

“Sorry, sorry! I meant vertically challenged,” the Blue Dragon Officer corrected himself, “Oh…I…I don't think they liked that comment very much…”

 

Crashing and banging sounds could be heard as the gruff garbling voices became an enraged roar.

 

“OH NO! I'VE ANGERED THE SHRUNKEN MIDGETS! NO, NO, STAY AWAY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ALFEEGI, HELP MEEEEEE-”

 

Kai-stern's blood-curdling screams faded in the background and then there was only the chilling sound of the dial tone.

 

“Message saved, beep!”

 

Alfeegi allowed himself a small evil laugh and another swig of wine. This answering machine was really starting to grow on him.

 

“Sixth message, beep!”

 

“MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CAN YOU HEAR ME, DRAGON WORMS? I, LORD NADIL, EXTREME EVILNESS, HIS ALMIGHTY NASTINESS, SUPREME DEMONISHNESS AM PAYING YOU A CALL! FEEL HONORED THAT I GRACE YOUR WORTHLESS EXISTENCE WITH MY ATTENTIONS! ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW AT MY AWESOME PRESENCE! Ahem, but first I have a minuet favor to ask. There's this guy called Phantom Thief Dark who is suing me because he says I stole his identity. Anyway, I'm reeeeeeeeeeeally scared and was wondering if you all know a good lawyer or something? Like maybe that therapist who gave us all counseling sessions. So, please give me a call and let me know, kay? Ahem, BUWAHAHAHAHAHA! GROVEL AT MY FEET, DRAGON SCUM!”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

Alfeegi at this point, was having a field day.

 

“Seventh message, beep!”

 

“SOMEONE GET ME MY SWORD AND BRING IT DOWN TO THE CITY THIS INSTANT!” Rath screamed furiously, “I'M GONNA HUNT DOWN THESE PEOPLE WHO WRITE SUCH SICK STORIES ABOUT US, SPECIFICALLY ME! THEY GOT ME AS KHARL'S….AS KHARL'S…AS KHARL'S…” the sound of Rath's sobbing could be heard joining Rune's in the background, “THESE PEOPLE ARE EVIL!”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

“Eighth message, beep!”

 

“Hey, this is Lamgarnas. I'm calling `cause Gil left some personal belongings in his room before he went off on his first mission as the new Fire Dragon Knight. So, I was wondering if someone could mail them to us. The items are: a ball of yarn, a toy wind-up mouse, a can of tuna and a bag of catnip.”

 

Lamgarnas's voice dropped to a hushed desperate whispering, “Please…I'm begging you guys…you've got to send the catnip. This is a dry location of the stuff where we are and well…Kittykins is a bit addicted to the stuff and I'm afraid he might-”

 

There was a humongous crash in the background and Gil's crazed raving, “WHERE'S MY CATNIP? I WANT MY CATNIP! GIVE-IT-TO-ME! GIVE-IT-TO-ME! GIVE-IT-TO-ME!”

 

“See?” Lamgarnas hissed frantically, “My cute, sweet, normally calm Catty Whatty is morphing into his demon form! Is anyone listening? You have got to ship that catnip ASAP!”

 

CRASH!

 

SHATTER!

 

BANG!

 

“CATNIP!” Gil screamed.

 

“OH, BLAST IT ALL, I'LL DEAL WITH THIS PROBLEM MYSELF!” Lamgarnas declared and there was a few seconds of struggles, more crashes, some yelling, then an eerie silence before Lamgarnas's voice returned, albeit breathless, “Ahem, yes. I think I have the situation under control. Erm, don't call us, kay? Not for at least an hour.”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

Alfeegi was seriously wondering whether to smash the answering machine or not at this point.

 

Then he rewound and listened to Kai-stern's saved message and all was well in the world.

 

“Ninth message, beep!”

 

WHFTTT.

 

WHFTTT.

 

WHFTTT.

 

The sound of empty static crinkled from the machine before Tetheus's deep voice hesitantly spoke in a slight embarrassed tone.

 

“Forgive me for wasting space on this tape, but the Dragon Fighters insisted we leave a recording and they have written me instructions on paper of what I am to say. Ahem: `Hail all, I am the awesome cheese-master, Dragon Fighter #1 watches Barney…Dragon Fighter #2's nickname for his sword is Tiddily Boop…and Dragon Fighter #3…is a manly drool-worthy stud muffin…'”

 

WHFTTT, went the static on the answering machine before Tetheus spoke again.

 

“One hundred laps around the castle grounds every morning, six months of KP duty, and on the floor and give me seventy-five push ups.”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

Alfeegi took another nerve-numbing swallow of wine before continuing.

 

“Tenth message, beep!”

 

“Hello, all! This is the owner of this machine just calling in to check on my baby and find out how he's doing! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MY BELOVED? TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T SUFFERED ANOTHER AGONIZING HEART BREAK OVER THAT ALTER-EGO SEDUCTRESS AND HER STEALTHY SCHEMES! JUST SAY THE WORD AND I WILL HUNT HER DOWN! Stay beautiful and kawaii now, my beloved, MUWAH!”

 

Wet kissing noises then were heard as the owner of the voice heavily smooched his phone.

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

Alfeegi picked up the answering machine and turned it over.

 

Made in Renkin, it read on the bottom.

 

Ah, that explained it, Alfeegi mused, but who was this “beloved” the alchemist kept talking about?

 

“Eleventh message, beep!”

 

“DUDES, I AM SO FREAKIN' PSYCHED!” came Thatz's excited yelling from the machine, “I JUST RAN INTO THIS GUY CALLED PHANTOM THIEF DARK AND HE TOTALLY ROCKS! NOT ONLY IS HE SUING DILLY-BOY'S BUTT OFF, BUT HE'S TAUGHT ME TONS OF NEW TRICKS AND TECHNIQUES TO STEAL THINGS! You know it's weird. Even though me, Rune, and Rath have cross-dressed before, I didn't realize you could use it for one's own advantage! Oh, and did you know chicks completely dig the whole badass dark character type? Hah! To think that Kitchel's been pining for me in secret! Not that I care or anything. Anyway, me and Dark are off to stake out the local jewelry shop now. Toodles!”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

That was really all Thatz needed, Alfeegi thought, veins popping out on his forehead, More encouragement from a master thief.

 

“Twelfth message, beep!”

 

“This is Sabel. As the new Dragon Knight of Water, I DEMAND the protection of my new tribe to help me! Here's what happened: I was getting a check-up at the dentist's when he announced I had a cavity that was too deep to fill and had to pull out my tooth. So now I'm stuck with this treasure coveted by the most viscous, evil creature alive: THE TOOTH FAIRY! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! SHE'S COMING FOR ME! WHAT CAN I DO? SHE WON'T BE SATISFIED BY JUST ONE TOOTH! SHE'LL WANT THEM ALL! I'M A GONER! SHE'LL ALREADY HAVE HEARD RUMORS ABOUT ME! ALL BECAUSE I TRIED TO FLATTEN TINKERBELL WITH THE FLY SWATTER! BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO FAST FOR GARABA TO SWALLOW! CURSE YOU, SLY, SNEAKY FAERIES! CURSE YOU!”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

Alfeegi narrowed his eyebrows in concentration. Apparently, Sabel had developed his own faerie phobia underneath the spell placed on him by Nadil to fear them.

 

The Dragon Officer made a memo to himself to get the Dragon Tribe's newest member another session in counseling with the alchemist.

 

“Thirteenth message, beep!”

 

“Hello? Is anyone there? This is the Jerry Springer Show calling. We have here two contestants battling for the affections of a certain Mr. Rune-”

 

“RUNE-SAMA, PICK UP AND CONFESS YOUR HEARTFELT DESIRE FOR ME ONCE AND FOR ALL, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE HERE!” Tintlett's voice shrieked from the answering machine.

 

There were excited cheers in the background.

 

“HEARTFELT DESIRE?” Lim-Kana's voice scoffed, “RUNE-SAN, SHARE YOUR MADDENING PASSION OF UNQUENCHED LUST FOR ME! SHOW THESE PEOPLE WHO YOUR TRUE WOMAN IS!”

 

The cheers in the background roared their approval.

 

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU PHILANDERING FLOOZY!” Tintlett raged, “I'M HIS WOMAN!”

 

“HA! WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DESERTS HER MAN IN HIS TIME OF NEED?” Lim-Kana inquired shrewdly, putting her rival on the spot, “WHEN YOU HAD THE OPPORTUNITY, YOU FLED BACK TO DRAQUEEN THROUGH A PORTAL, WHILE I STAYED WITH RUNE-SAN IN DANGEROUS DEMON TERRITORY TO DIE BY HIS SIDE IF NECESSARY!”

 

The crowd in the background went wild with applause and whistling, along with various boos and name-calling for Tintlett.

 

“I HAD A HAIR APPOINTMENT I COULDN'T CANCEL, YOU INTERFERING HUSSY!” Tintlett exclaimed, her voice positively livid, “AND NOW I'M GONNA SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT!”

 

There was a jungle girl type of scream, several huge crashes, the sound of clothes ripping, more shrieks and screeches, and the audience in the background going absolutely ecstatic with stomping, clapping and cheering.

 

“Message deleted, beeeeeeeeeep!”

 

Alfeegi took a few seconds of banging his head against the desk before feeling brave enough to continue the rest of the messages on the answering machine.

 

“Fourteenth message, beep!”

 

“Hello! This is Garfakcy, Master Kharl's personal assistant calling in as a continuation of his previous phone call. He forgot to say this: HE DOESN'T LOVE HIS BELOVED! HIS BELOVED IS A WHINY, EGOTISTICAL, MANIACAL, CHILDISH, PAMPERED BRAT! DON'T YOU DARE COME NEAR HIM, DRAGON FREAK! I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT! I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT! GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IT! Well, it's really a pouch of ash, but there's not that much of a difference. Anyway, STAY AWAY OR YOU WILL PAY!”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

Alfeegi hurriedly wrote down the description of the alchemist's “beloved” before he forgot. He would uncover this mystery person's identity no matter how long it took.

 

“Fifteenth message, beep!”

 

“Hello? Huff, huff!” panted a female voice into the machine, “This is Cesia! I just heard that Phantom Thief Dark is the area and was wondering if it was true! Oh my sweet Dusis, my prayers have been answered! Anyway, if you are there Dark, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please consider going out with me! I have numerous assets that you require in a girl. Number one, I am meals-on-wheels hot. Number Two, um…um…can number one count twice? MWAH, DARK, I LURVE YOU SO UBER MUCH! AND I…I…I AM BEING POSSESSED BY MY ALTER EGO NOW! OH NO! BEWAAAAAAARE…YARGH!”

 

Cesia's voice grew deeper suddenly as Black Cesia took over and her voice drifted out of the answering machine in a low, seductive purr, “Hey, Darky baby, if you're lookin' for a good time, lil ole me knows where to find some. Heh, heh! Tell me, do you have fun possessing people too? This one makes me laugh so much at what I can make her do! Listen,”

 

Black Cesia's voice retreated and Cesia's regular voice returned and began singing in monotone, “I'm a little tea pot, short and stout! Here is my handle and here is my spout! Tip me over and pour me out!”

 

Black Cesia's voice took over again to laugh maniacally at this, before being pushed aside for a softer, more gentle, new voice to emerge.

 

“Please, it is not right to be so unkind and play cruel-hearted tricks on people,” said White Cesia, “Why do not we all bake cupcakes, play croquet and sit around in a circle needle-pointing, sharing what our favorite hobbies are?”

 

“Shove off, Snow White,” Black Cesia stated with disgust as she resumed possession again, “Go back and surround yourself with rainbows or something equally depressing and sickeningly happily. As I was saying, Darky baby, I can show you a really good time. I can also make her tap dance and do the polka!”

 

“Message deleted, beeeeeeeep!”

 

Alfeegi tossed the wine glass over his shoulder, snatched up the bottle and began guzzling down its contents.

 

“Sixteenth message, beep!”

 

“Hello? This is Jonny Storm, aka the Human Torch from the Fantasic Four calling in to report an attempt on my life by a certain pyro-maniac Yokai who goes by the name of Fedelta. He has been pinned down by the Thing and bound by Mr. Fantastic. I tried to call his commanding officer, but there was only some crazy person on the other end of the line screaming about Phantom Thief Dark and how phone intimidation tactics weren't going to work. But he left this number, so if anyone could come by our pad and pick him up, that'd be great. It seems his excuse for trying to kill me was that he felt I was cutting in on his turf with my fire powers-”

 

From the background, Fedelta's enraged yells could be heard, “ALL WHO POSSESS THE NOBLE FLAME OF FIRE SHOULD DIE! ONLY I AM WORTHY! BURN, ROAST, COOK, SCORCH, CONSUME!”

 

“Oh yeah,” the Human Torch said as a final statement, “He also has this weird obsession with spouting synonyms for burning things.”

 

“Message deleted, beep!”

 

There was absolutely nothing Alfeegi could do or think of to say about that message, except keep on drinking wine.

 

“Seventeenth message, beep!”

 

“This is Bierrez, leaving a message for the fake Fire Dragon Knight freak. CESIA'S MINE, YOU GIRLFRIEND-SNATCHING FIEND! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND CUT YOU! I WILL!”

 

“Well that shouldn't be too hard to do, considering you're using the phone at the wireless internet café where me and Rath are,” came Rune's dry, cynical voice in the background.

 

There was a few seconds of silence from the machine, before Bierrez roared, “YOU! THE FREAK! I'LL HAVE AT YOU! PREPARE TO DIE!”

 

“One moment and take a look at this please,” Rune said.

 

There was another few seconds of silence, before it was broken by Bierrez's horrified and appalled high-pitched scream, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? THEY HAVE ME PAIRED WITH THE GOODY-TWO-SHOES ELF? WITH LAMGARNAS'S CAT BOY? WITH THE FAKE FIRE DRAGON KNIGHT FREAK?”

 

Bierrez's sobs could be heard mingling with Rath's who was still hysterical over being labeled as Kharl's lover. Rune joined in shortly and the chorus of caterwauling soon filled the room from the answering machine.

 

“Message deleted, beeeeeeeeep!”

 

Alfeegi buried his face in his hands and moaned, the stress of all the chaotic messages at long last taking their toll out on him. He had decided. The device had got to go.

 

The Dragon Officer swigged down the last contents of his bottle of wine as the answering machine played its final message.

 

“Seventeenth message, beep!”

 

“Oh, 'Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegi-san!” sang a young girl's voice from the machine, “This is Reema! Otherwise known as your lovable, kawaii, Re-Re! Heehee! So, like anyway, I went to this store and bought a package of strawberry pocky and I thought we could…oh…I don't know…”

 

The young girl's voice suddenly grew more mature as she no undoubtedly shifted into her adult form.

 

“'Feegi-san,” teased the woman's voice now, “I really hope you like strawberry pocky! Heehee! Be seeing you! MWAH!”

 

“Message saved, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!”

 

Alfeegi sat still a moment wide-eyed in a whirl of thoughts, unconsciously lifting his arm to wipe away the wine he had spewed out upon first hearing that message. His mind suddenly kicking into gear, the White Dragon Officer leapt up, grabbed the recording tape out of the answering machine and fled the room.

 

What he been thinking, deciding to get rid if the device? Perhaps an answering machine wasn't so bad after all!

 

THE END

 

A/N: Whoa! A DK fic after a long period of hiatus! Sorry, I said I was going to work on Counsling Sessions, but you can't toss away inspiration when it strikes. I really loved doing this. I hoped you enjoyed reading it, and if you did, I have plenty more crazy ones you can read if you like. Please tell me your favorite part. I like hearing what made you laugh! Thank you!